JKG

studying, studying, studying The first exam will be in two days. I have only one day of full studying for maths and history left. Maybe I will study a bit more for history on wednesday, but I don't know if I am capable of doing that after the maths exam. I feel good about that. It will be finally over. Most of my days for more than three weeks now have manly been about studying history. I am kind of excited to write the maths exam in two days - finally a bit harder tasks. I like it to understand now almost everything. I know everything for maths, and I know almost everything for history. And then I can pure out all of my knowledge in the exams. And after thursday I will hopefully never have to studying again for history. But it is possible that I want to study a bit of history afterwards. I started to like history quite a bit. So today I have started to revise the rest of the stuff that I don't know well yet. I just hope that it stays in my head. Now there are only 9 rather small items on my list left. Today has been a lot of studying. I guess 6 hours of history and 1 hour of maths. I am quite exhausted but I will be able to repeat the same tomorrow. In the big breaks I felt that I really need some relaxation and easy entertainment. I started watching "The Big Bang Theory" again. I used to watch it a LOT about 5 years ago. I could spend my whole day watching it. But I feel a bit bad about it. It is so useless. But its okay for these few days. I just have to watch out for not continuing to watch it after the exams. Yesterday I have only meditated for 1.25 hours, and today until now only 45 minutes. I feel it. It is not a good feeling. I need meditation now for relaxation purposes. family Today I have noticed how similar my sister is to my mother. She acts so similar to her. So neurotic. I just want her to grow up so I can show her the other side of life - the self-actualization side. Its just funny and also tragic how these egos act.

If I would stretch intensively for two weeks I probably could be able to to the front split and the first exercise again. But the side split would take me probably 6 months.

17/04/30 Eating no unreasonable snacks - Streak 0 Eating only once nuts - Streak 0 Eating no oat meal - Streak 13 Eating no raisins - Streak 13 Eating a light raw lunch - Streak 13 Dorsiflexion exercises - Streak 1 Getting up directly - Streak 0 Apple cider vinegar in the morning - Streak 1 Eating a light raw breakfast - Streak 43 Gratitude - Streak 46 I need to be honest with myself. I am tricking myself! I did get up directly, but then lied down again.

In English "Spagat" its called front split and side split. The front split will probably be much easier than the side split.

Tension For a few days now I feel how I get more and more nervous. Its just a slight nervousness and tension in the body, but its not nice. My tics get worse, today it has been the worst since quite a few months. Now only 3 days of studying for maths and history are left. This pressure gets more intense. And I have noticed that studying more than 5 hours a day is not good at all. At some point my mind isn't able to comprehend all the information anymore I guess. Then I start feeling exhausted and a lack of energy. Relaxation So this evening after having finished studying I decided to relax a bit and to do nothing productive. Firstly I tried to meditate. But I became tired. And this tension/nervousness didn't go away. It came back and back again. So I decided to watch a movie, so I forget these exams for a bit. I looked here on the forum for movie recommendations and picked "The Man On Earth." Wow, this was soo good. The story is just so great and fascinating. Understanding And from watching this movie I again felt that I have this deep passion for understanding these interesting concepts about humanity, society, history, spirituality. This idea with Buddha and Jesus was just so brilliant. I am looking forward to starting to study all these spiritual traditions. And to become God. I really like the term "God." And the movie was also fun because you could see all these massive ego reaction from these rational scientists. I just had to laugh. Experience "Do not seek to have events happen as you want them, but instead want them to happen as they do happen, and your life will go well." - Epictetus I said here quite a few times that I just want these exams to be over, preferably just skipping these weeks and not experiencing them. But right now I feel like I want to experience them. I will grow from them. I want to fully experience my emotions.

17/04/29 Eating no unreasonable snacks - Streak 5 Eating only once nuts - Streak 7 Eating no oat meal - Streak 12 Eating no raisins - Streak 12 Eating a light raw lunch - Streak 12 Apple cider vinegar in the morning - Streak 0 Eating a light raw breakfast - Streak 42 Gratitude - Streak 45 Dorsiflexion exercises - Streak 0 Getting up directly - Streak 0 i removed moving our of my comfort zone from the list. right now is just not the right time. i feel that. lets be honest, i dont get up directly in the morning. i sit there around in bed/on the floor and look at my phone for 5 minutes. i should put my phone outside of reach, so that i really have to get up. dorsiflexion again. lets write into the statement "in the morning" i just forgot the apple cider vinegar thing. the bottle was empty and i forgot getting he new one from the cellar.

17/04/28 Moving out of my COMFORT ZONE - Streak 0 Eating no unreasonable snacks - Streak 4 Eating only once nuts - Streak 6 Eating no oat meal - Streak 11 Eating no raisins - Streak 11 Eating a light raw lunch - Streak 11 Apple cider vinegar in the morning - Streak 26 Eating a light raw breakfast - Streak 41 Gratitude - Streak 44 Dorsiflexion exercises - Streak 1 Getting up directly - Streak 5 I didn't know what to do today to get out of my comfort zone. It was just another day of studying. Except for running I was at home all day, like most of the days. I need to come up with a bigger list of stuff that I could do.

17/04/27 Moving out of my COMFORT ZONE - Streak 2 (I drove with the car to a store and bought three packs of mineral water) Eating no unreasonable snacks - Streak 3 Eating only once nuts - Streak 5 Eating no oat meal - Streak 10 Eating no raisins - Streak 10 Eating a light raw lunch - Streak 10 Apple cider vinegar in the morning - Streak 25 Eating a light raw breakfast - Streak 40 Gratitude - Streak 43 Dorsiflexion exercises - Streak 0 Getting up directly - Streak 4 tomorrow the dorsiflexion will be one of the first things in the morning.

just writing i fell like writing something now. just the stuff that comes into my mind and that i want to get out of my mind. and i feel like writing without CAPITAL letters. right now i feel like this looks cooler. whatever i have been watching my mother today. how her mood changes. how she gets angry. what kind of television shows she is watching. what she is interested in. what she is doing all day. is sad to see that i know almost all of the solutions to her problems. i sit there peaceful and think about this while watching her getting angry and neurotic. the biggest cause to her suffering i think is that she has no goals, no ambitions, no vision... she just lives everyday, does her usual stuff, and it repeats, over and over again, for now 18 years, since i am born. since then her way of life has not changed much. most of her day is occupied with household stuff. i was sitting today in the living room and studied there. in another part of the room she was still watching tv while eating lunch. sometimes i listened to the shit these people were talking about. it was like an "educative" show for parents how to raise their children. it was on a tv sender for the lower lower class. and i just thought about how these parents are limiting the freedom of their children so badly. they raise them to be neurotic soldiers of the government, which are just there to keep the state alive. when i rarely talk to her and try to give her advice she is so unapproachable. she is just arguing that she is better than all the other stupid parents. they are eating totally unhealthy, make no sports, don't go outside... when i just give her the advice to eat a little bit less salt! one of the factors which brings the most suffering to her is my father. she is so annoyed by him. there is no love at all anymore. she is so dismissive to him. she is not interested in anything he is telling her. she is excited when he is away, or when he comes home late from work. and she even shows this him that she doesn't like him without even noticing it. and then she wonders why he is in a bad mood. this relationships is so toxic and since i started reading "loving what is" i see which stupid reasons their suffering has. she needs a vision for a better future, but her beliefs, homeostasis, self-image, whatever keeps her stuck. do i even want to give her advice? well, another topic. final exams. today in a weeks time i will be done with two exams. i will be so happy when i am done with history. - well, i just set a condition for my happiness. i have 5 days left of studying for history and maths. maths makes a bit of fun. i do like one hour each day when i am annoyed of history. and i just have to study to get into the topics again. i already know everything. i just have to refresh it after three weeks of no maths. but in history i could still study so much stuff. but in the end most of the studying will we useless, because just three topics will be there. my ego would want me to revise everything perfectly. i just have picked a few topics that i still want to revise, because its very probable that they will be part of the exam. and maybe i will practice one or two old exams. but what i worry the most of is the time. for the exam we have three ours time, with additional 30 minutes to choose an exam. but these three hours are pretty brief in comparison to how much i could write. especially problematic will be the first task which is about summarizing a text (or a caricature, which i will definitively not choose). in the past this was the part where i have lost most of the points. so i have to make it more detailed, but that takes so much more time. and the other two tasks also take a lot of time. i could also push my luck a bit and quickly decide for one exam. then i would have have a few more minutes to write. i have already studied enough to get enough points to not get into the oral reexaminations. but my ego wants more. it wants at least 13 points, and even better 14 or 15. i only got 14 points in history before. there is always the potential to lose some points here and there. i know that i don't need particularly good results. but me ego wants especially good results. what about detachment. i could just relax for the next few days a bit and just study a bit. just revising a bit. all of these many many hours of studying will come down to three hours where i have to present my knowledge. and when the exams are all shitty its like all wasted. or when i don't feel bad... slow down. does it even matter? well, it are the 4 most important exams of my entire school career. i am glad that i will begin with the maths exam on wednesday and not with history. i will write history next thursday. and on 12:30 that day i will be done! and a week later on wednesday at 2:15pm i will be done with chemistry... my room at the moment is just a chaos. of different folders, papers, notes, books, sticky notes... there is information to so many different topics. i don't like chaos. i like order. well, just embrace the chaos. surrender to the chaos. today i have been running a bit in a forest nearby. and there is this little trail i really like. all around the trail are growing little trees which are like 5 years old. it was so green, the temperature was nice. and i was thinking about what i was reading in the book of not knowing. experience is what matters. and insights will transform my life. get into the state of not-knowing. this spiritual stuff is what matters, not the results of exams. i allow the light of the universe to work though me. to guide me on my path. for the well-being of all. i am here to grow, to awaken, to fulfill my highest potential, and to give my greatest gifts to the world. and this is not done by functioning well in the system and getting good grades in exams. i am here to change the world for the better. and the universe is showing me that my time is better spent doing spirituality stuff, than studying. i still like studying history a bit. but this pressure is not so nice. today my amazon order came. two days ago i have ordered the next two books by peter ralston - pursuing consciousness and the genius of being. but firstly i want to finish the book of not knowing again. just by reading a few chapters of it again i got so much. how could i forget about it? i need to read ralstons books over and over again, my entire life, til full liberation. my mother was just coming into my room and asked what these books are about and if peter ralston is a mentalist, or a meditation guru. how could you explain to a housewife about consciousness, being, enlightenment, ego? on some days i am pretty happy - like today. on other days i am pretty own, annoyed, pissed off, suffering. but each time that i am coming from a bad day to a good day, i see that it will all be good again. bad days are just a phase. and the reasons for my suffering are just pretty irrelevant. a few weeks ago i had a bad mood because of a lack of social contacts. now i have no problem with it at all. everything changes so quickly. and a positive mood is especially enhanced by 432hz music! i love the music of this man of no ego. alright, i am going to write the rest into my private journal. and then i meditate a bit until i get tired. then i go to sleep, wake up tomorrow and do it all over again. bye to all the beautiful people out here.

Self-Doubts are real.

Yes! We have to find this balance between the feminine side and of the male side. I also tend to rather to this rather male meditation stuff like self-inquiry. But then surrendering in a contrast feels very good. But motivation doesn't make the time go faster. I will still sit here for another month studying this shit, no matter how big my motivation is. Uh, suffering. This is karma. this is the stuff, that I should learn from now. I have taken the LPC last summer already, and have figured out the direction. Now I want to slowly start making it real after the exams. I am excited for that.

17/04/26 Moving out of my COMFORT ZONE - Streak 1 (I asked my history teacher quite a few questions via email) Eating no unreasonable snacks - Streak 2 Eating only once nuts - Streak 4 Eating no oat meal - Streak 9 Eating no raisins - Streak 9 Eating a light raw lunch - Streak 9 Apple cider vinegar in the morning - Streak 24 Eating a light raw breakfast - Streak 39 Gratitude - Streak 42 Dorsiflexion exercises - Streak 0 Getting up directly - Streak 3 whats up with my dorsiflexion exercise? I just forget it. I have just added "Moving out of my COMFORT ZONE" to the list. I just need to make a habit out of that. Otherwise it will never happen and I just procrastinate. It does not has to be a real challenge. It could also just be that another person gets me into an uncomfortable situation or that I have no influence on it. Baby steps are better than nothing.

17/04/25 Eating no unreasonable snacks - Streak 1 Eating only once nuts - Streak 3 Eating no oat meal - Streak 8 Eating no raisins - Streak 8 Eating a light raw lunch - Streak 8 Apple cider vinegar in the morning - Streak 23 Eating a light raw breakfast - Streak 38 Gratitude - Streak 41 Dorsiflexion exercises - Streak 1 Getting up directly - Streak 2 good day! but I just have found out that cashew nuts are not raw...

17/04/24 Eating no unreasonable snacks - Streak 0 Eating only once nuts - Streak 2 Eating no oat meal - Streak 7 Eating no raisins - Streak 7 Eating a light raw lunch - Streak 7 Apple cider vinegar in the morning - Streak 22 Eating a light raw breakfast - Streak 37 Gratitude - Streak 40 Dorsiflexion exercises - Streak 0 Getting up directly - Streak 1

It wasn't so bad for me. My sleeping habit is the easiest one. I just wanted to be rested and not sleep deprived all day.

studying and exams I feel how I slowly but steadily become slightly nervous about the upcoming exams. Tomorrow the first final exam starts (German) and happily I don't have to write my exam in German. My first exam is in 9 days, but I feel with my school friends who write tomorrow. And my mind comes up with all sorts of horrible scenarios which could happen on the days of the exam. My bike could break while I am on my way to school and I will be late. Or the batteries of my calculator run out of power. Or I could forget my pens. Or I don't find the room. Or I have a black out.... Today I just was so annoyed of studying history. I know everything broadly, but not perfectly. There are also topics which I could study a bit more. There are always a few dates that I could memorize. It is so tedious. I just want to be done with this fucking history exam. 10 days... Then I started studying a bit of maths, but the exercises were so boring and easy that I also was annoyed of maths. I just want these exams to be over. So badly. I don't want to study anymore. I want it to be Friday next week, then I could start studying chemistry - what a variation. Or even better today in a month, then I am hopefully done with it all. I now know that I have to do something later that I am passionate about. Otherwise my whole life will be around stuff that I am annoyed off. And recently I even got doubts about whether I really want to study computer science or not. I'll see. But I think I will now apply a great wisdom that I got from Matt Kahn: If you don't know what to do, let the light of the universe work through you. I guess this is a bit like intuition. And what the universe is telling me with this feeling is: slow down. You don't have to study that much. Your grades do not really matter at all, as long as I get these 100 points. If you want to study, study. If you don't feel like studying, do something else.

Jealous. So much to do, so little time.

17/04/23 Eating no unreasonable snacks - Streak 1 Eating only once nuts - Streak 1 Eating no oat meal - Streak 6 Eating no raisins - Streak 6 Eating a light raw lunch - Streak 6 Apple cider vinegar in the morning - Streak 21 Eating a light raw breakfast - Streak 36 Gratitude - Streak 39 Dorsiflexion exercises - Streak 0 Getting up directly - Streak 0

What if I would die in x days? This morning I had a headache. It was a strange headache, it was like inside my skull, numbing my face. Somehow my mind got the idea that this could be a huge tumor inside my head. And then I remembered a story of a adolescent that had an unnoticed tumor and died from it. My headache is gone now but I "seriously" considered the possibility that I could be dead soon. What would I do if a doctor would tell me that I would be dead in 3 months or so? Lets examine this. (I have often heard this question on the Internet but never considered it, because I found it boring.) Firstly I think I would be okay with dying. I am not afraid of death. I would accept it and make the best of the rest of my life. I cannot do anything against it, so why worry? I also think that I would start eating much healthier. Just because I feel much better when I eat healthy. I feel more alive and energetic and I love this feeling. On the other side I hate the feeling of fullness. I have once seen a YouTube channel of a guy who had cancer and then cured himself just through a very healthy lifestyle. Raw foods that fight cancer, a lot of fresh air, exercise... And maybe I would then get the chance to continue living. I would be more outside in nature. There I also feel alive and happy. I love the color green there, I love the sound of the birds, I love the smell, I love moving there around. I would meditate more. Maybe I would get the opportunity to have an enlightenment experience before my death, which my ego guesses would be cool. But even if this doesn't happen I would be more happy for the rest of my life. I would be more loving, grateful, peaceful, calm... I would do everything to try out psychedelics. I would spend more time with the people I love. Socializing just makes me happy too. I would get more outside of my comfort zone. This makes me also happy. It gives this freshness to live, more energy, aliveness... I wound want to see some more manifestations of the absolute. I would like to travel a bit to other places with a lot of nature, like Canada, Hawaii, New Zealand, South America... I think that this was it. I would not change much more. Otherwise I am pretty content with my way of living at the moment. I would just continuing doing what I do on a regular basis. I would continue studying stuff - maybe not history/chemistry/school stuff, but spirituality stuff. It makes me very happy to understand these spiritual stuff, but also other paradigms and concepts. To sum this up: living super healthy being in nature meditating taking psychedelics socializing getting out of my comfort zone seeing other places studying But why do I say "I would do xyz, if I would die soon"? It is sure that I will die soon. So I should do it, not just considering it.

17/04/22 Eating no unreasonable snacks - Streak 0 Eating only once nuts - Streak 0 Eating no oat meal - Streak 5 Eating no raisins - Streak 5 Eating a light raw lunch - Streak 5 Apple cider vinegar in the morning - Streak 20 Eating a light raw breakfast - Streak 35 Gratitude - Streak 38 Dorsiflexion exercises - Streak 8 Getting up directly - Streak 60 I was on a birthday party... with a lot of unhealthy snacks.

17/04/21 Eating no unreasonable snacks - Streak 3 Eating only once nuts - Streak 4 Eating no oat meal - Streak 4 Eating no raisins - Streak 4 Eating a light raw lunch - Streak 4 Apple cider vinegar in the morning - Streak 19 Eating a light raw breakfast - Streak 34 Gratitude - Streak 37 Dorsiflexion exercises - Streak 7 Getting up directly - Streak 59

Getting out of the comfort zone Today was the day that I got out of my comfort zone very often, several times. And it feels so good. Today was one of the most happy and different days of the last weeks. Making something different really releases energy, its so refreshing. I accomplished my little goal of getting this amazon card. Then tomorrow I will just have to figure out the rest of the stuff with the account. The next thing tomorrow will be participating actively in conversations and active listening. Not being stuck inside my mind all the time, but experiencing what is happening in the conversations. My feelings, the feelings and wants of others, the surroundings... And a great thing I learned today for conversations: talk about the present moment! Thanks to @Gabriel Antonio!

17/04/20 Eating no unreasonable snacks - Streak 2 Eating only once nuts - Streak 3 Eating no oat meal - Streak 3 Eating no raisins - Streak 3 Eating a light raw lunch - Streak 3 Apple cider vinegar in the morning - Streak 18 Eating a light raw breakfast - Streak 33 Gratitude - Streak 36 Dorsiflexion exercises - Streak 6 (not yet but in a minute) Getting up directly - Streak 58 Mindfulness Meditation (15min) - Streak 0 I don't want to have to do mindfulness meditation when I don't feel like it. I will concentrate on this concentration stuff when I feel like its the right time. Now I just want to feel my feelings

17/04/19 Eating no unreasonable snacks - Streak 1 Eating only once nuts - Streak 2 Eating no oat meal - Streak 2 Eating no raisins - Streak 2 Eating a light raw lunch - Streak 2 Apple cider vinegar in the morning - Streak 17 Eating a light raw breakfast - Streak 32 Gratitude - Streak 35 Dorsiflexion exercises - Streak 5 Getting up directly - Streak 57 Mindfulness Meditation (15min) - Streak 57 no problems at all.

Thanks for the compliment. I know that I am awesome But there are much more productive people than me. I still can improve a lot - as well as you. But it takes time. Its not nasty, its beautiful. What is emotionally most challenging will probably let you grow the most. I get angry and annoyed very seldom, I don't take life too seriously anymore, I am more happy, more calm, I can observe my thoughts, I understand most of the stuff Leo talks about, I have less tics, I have more will power, I grow... The ego gets a lot from meditation