JKG

No problem Advice is always appreciated

Thanks for the advice and the videos. I'd like to share the one by Sadhguru with all the people in school They are so dead serious. Next week I will be on a study trip with school. Maybe I will spontaneously do the comfort zone challenge with laying down on the street or something similar. "Asexuality is not a hormone imbalance. Many asexuals have had their hormones tested and have been found them to be within normal levels. Some asexuals have undergone hormone therapy for other conditions and have not reported any change in their sexual orientation. In general, asexual people do not experience any of the other signs of a hormone imbalance (hair loss, erectile dysfunction, depression, hot flashes, etc.), so even when they haven’t been specifically tested, they can be reasonably sure that their hormones are in order. Also, a loss of sexual interest due to a hormone imbalance is often sudden, while an asexual person typically has never experienced sexual attraction for their entire lives, so it’s not like anything was “lost”, because it was never there." - http://www.asexualityarchive.com/tag/hormone-imbalance/ I just looked up which vegan foods contain a lot of iron, and how much iron I approximately ate yesterday. Yesterday I ate 19.2 mg. I think that is enough. There are some foods I really love and eat 2 to 3 times a week like chickpeas, beans, lentils, oatmeal etc. So I do not assume that I have a deficiency. But still I will get my blood tested somewhen next year.

Self Inquiry: Who is perceiving? What is perceiving? Who sees the markings on the white background? Really! Nobody? Lets examine that. What is there? Sight, sound, touches, feelings, tastes, smells, sounds in the mind, pictures in the mind, feelings in the mind, what else? Is there somebody? No, just the perceptions I have mentioned. The mind created stories about stuff, but that are sounds and pictures in the mind. But I feel like there is somebody perceiving. I am perceiving, I am doing things, I am. I know that the ego not exists. I want to feel like the ego is not there. But it feels like it is there. The ego is an illusion, it is a concept. I know this, but I do not experience it. I feel a concept? No, I do not feel a concept, I think about a concept as being true. Who is perceiving? I am perceiving. The concept things that it is perceiving, but really the true self perceives the concept and thinks about it is true? Does this makes sense? Then I just have to realize that the only true thing is experience itself. Is this Truth? What is Truth? Truth. true. Wahrheit. wahr. What is the definition for Truth? Truth != false. Truth is not false. Truth == true. Truth is true. Truth, Truth, Truth, Truth sounds weird. Then what is false. Concepts are false. Is something else false? There are only concepts that can be false. Then Truth does not contain any concepts. Truth != concepts. And what else is there except from concepts? Experience. Truth is experience without concepts. That sounds logic, but in self inquiry I shouldn't use logic, just direct experience. Do I experience that Truth is experience without concepts? Sometimes I do experience that, sometimes there are a lot of thoughts and concepts. What is knowledge? I have knowledge when I know something. What is something? Knowledge is when I remember a concept or a thought and understand it. That sounds to complex to inquire about it. Knowledge is when a wanted thought arises. A thought comes into my mind, which I already had before. A thought arises. That is a experience. Recognizing that I had this thought before is another thought, another experience. Then what is knowledge? Just thoughts? Maybe, but where does the initial thought come from? From the memory? What is the memory? Can I experience the memory or is it a concept? It is a concept. Knowledge is just a thought arising from nowhere. Knowledge is a thought arising in awareness. Knowledge is a thought. A thought. And what society things about knowledge is a concept. - 34min

Everyday I see how my parents are so unhappy. They are totally neurotic, complain about tiny irrelevant problems, keep themselves busy with stupid stuff, and never find time to be happy. My mother stopped working as she got pregnant with me. At that time I think she read a lot and wrote poetry. It seems like she was happy. But with the time she became more and more neurotic. We live in a relatively big house and she cleans it all day long. She complains about every single unclean part of the house and can't stand a messy room. She directly has to clean everything up. She spends so much time of the day cleaning the house or the garden, and in the little bit of free time she gives herself, she watches television or reads the newspaper. About a year ago I motivated her to do sports. I am pretty happy about the fact that she now makes sports on a regular basis and lost a bit of weight, but she also became so neurotic about this too. Her motivation to do sports is exclusively negative. She beats herself up for eating too much or not having the time to work out that day. And her motivation for doing sports is that she does not want to become like her (fat, lonely, never going out of the house because of pain, thousand illnesses). This didn't make her more happy, just more and more miserable. Her relationship with my father is also not going so well. She is pissed of when he comes home earlier than normal and complains about him to me so often... They definitively do not love each other anymore for a couple of years. At least they do not fight as hard as others... Almost everyday I see her so unhappy and miserable. I want to help her and teach her all the stuff that I have learned. The problem though is that I am terrible at explaining things, convincing people or at argumenting. If I could, I would make her meditate for 2 hours a day, clean the house only once a week, and letting her work on her life purpose (probably something with books). She is probably in the best situation with security and a lot of time to do all those things. She could accomplish so much in the rest of her life. I just want her to be a little bit more happy. So my question is how I should start teaching/coaching her some basic principles of personal development? How can I make her wanting to improve her life? I have no idea of how I could start a conversation about this. I do not want to say something like "hey mom, I see that you are so unhappy. I want to help to improve you life". If I would do it that way, she would not understand me at all, or would not even try to grasp what I am saying - sometimes she is very narrow-minded. How can I make her question her beliefs, realizing that she is neurotic and the potential of her life? How would you approach this problem? I will appreciate ever answer.

Self Inquiry: I am. No, not I, just being. BEING. Nothing else? I don't know. Do I know that there is just being through my own experience, or is it just a belief that I picked up from Leo? Seldom I have brief moments where there are no thoughts in my mind, then there is just experience / being. But thoughts are also experience. Are thoughts different experiences? Almost everytime a thought has a meaning, and almost everytime other experiences also have meanings. Thoughts are not different from other experiences. But how can I know that? Is that just another belief? I just touched my nose because of an itch. There was a meaning behind the feeling of the itch. "Touch your nose to make the itch go away - the itch is bad." Why? Can a feeling be good or bad? What is good? I don't know. Can something be good? Can a sight be good, or can a sight be bad? I see hair on my arm, can it be good? It is pretty bright, the skin of my arm is rather brown. Is that good? Society would tell me that it is a good thing, that would look good, healthy, attractive, whatever. Is that a belief from society? Yes. Then can the sight of my arm be good? There are colors ordered in a certain way, the colors build shapes. Are these colors and shapes be good? No. They just are. Is that another belief? No. I just imagine poop. Is the sight of poop bad? At the first sight it seems very bad and disgusting but is it really that way? No, they are colors and shapes and they just are. But can being be good or bad? Being itself seems very good, beautiful and relaxing. Can it be that way? I'd like to call it good. Can anything be good or bad? Is there even a thing as good or bad? What is good? What is bad? These are sounds in the mind, these are black markings on a white background. Those things are concepts, just concepts. What else? They can produce sensations like mentioned above. Are concepts true? The produced sensations are true. Is the meaning of the concepts true? There is clearly a meaning behind the concept, and this being of the meaning of the concept is true, it is, and being is true. But the concept wants to describe reality with itself. The concept want to cover the true nature of the experience up. That is certainly true too. But that the concept can describe reality and all of experience is false. concept != experience. Is this the whole problem of humanity? I do not care, I do not want to do mental masturbation, I want to experience. Experience without concepts! I try but don't get it. What is trying? Translated into German 'to try' means 'versuchen', 'ver-suchen'. 'suchen' means searching, 'ver' is a prefix and means something like not getting it, not accomplishing it, but certainly noting positive. Trying -> not accomplishing the wanted in the search? I should not try to experience without concepts. I should just do it, experience without concepts without trying it, just experiencing it, without expectations for it to work out. There is no one who could try. So why should I try. I am getting of track. I do not care. There is no I that can care, just the concept of caring. - 42min

Self Inquiry: What am I? Where should be an I? Where does the idea come from that there is an I? Sights, sounds, smells, tastes, touches, feelings, thoughts..., nothing else. Seeing black markings occurring in the vision. Where do they come from? They are just there, right? There are meanings behind the black markings, I hear sounds in my head regarding these markings. Sights and sounds, but where is the meaning? Where does a meaning come from? Where is the meaning located? Does it exist? It certainly does exist, but in which form? Is a meaning also a thought? Why do 'I' want to know that? I know that there is a meaning, isn't that enough? Knowing what a meaning is, is just another concept. The meaning does exist, but is it true? It is true, because it exists. But the real meaning of the meaning isn't true, the meaning of the meaning is an illusion. I just drank water, but who moved the hand to grab the bottle of water? Let's do it again. Who decided to do it again? Who decided to do the action now? Who is right now feeling the cold water in the mouth? I think it just happened, no one decided to do anything, it just happened. Lets look again. Who decides to grab the pen with the hand? No one, no thing, just experience. But when the mind thinks that the same time "I just grabbed the pen, the illusion of an 'I' and free will occurs". Who wants to touch the itch in the face? Now that I become clear about it, no one. But who wants do it all the other time? Is that the illusion of the ego? Yes, the ego wants to do things, the true self wants to be. Who wants to disturb the meditation sessions and wants to eat? The ego does, the ego covers everything up and becomes so big, that the true self gets forgotten. Who knows that there is an itch in the face? No one. That is just experience. But who calls this sensation an 'itch'? The ego, the mind, the monkey mind?? How can they label something when they are just illusions and are not real? It just happens. Everything just happens. There is no one that does things, things just happen. There are belief in the mind, beliefs like that there is a face at a certain location. What is a face? The ego says, that it is the thing where the eyes lay and from they are looking into the world. Labels, labels, labels. And whats real? All of experience is real. I can think of what the ego refers to in the true experience. But is that a face? 'face' is a marking on a screen, face is a sound in my head, face is a meaning, face is a concept. The sight of the marking and the sound in my head are true. The concept / the meaning of the meaning is false. There is just experience. I was told by external experiences that it is a face. I was told that true experience is a concept - what a lie. - 36min

Spiritual happy days: Today in class I sat next to a 'friend'. I would describe her as fat, lazy, gossiping a lot, materialistic, but I still like her. We had nothing to do and she asked me what I do in all my free time. I hesitated but then told her that I meditate a lot. I tried to explain a little bit of Enlightenment to her with the equation suffering = discomfort x resistance. I think she got that, but she found it really hard to just think about dropping resistance. Telling that her made me really happy. I found it so funny that she was shocked by this insight. I again realized that everything is meaningless but beautiful. I dropped a lot of resistance about being in school and around idiots. I was just very happy for the rest of the day, even though I had classes with teachers I didn't like. I participated well. At lunchtime I was at home with my best friend and showed her a video by Adyashanti about the Basics Principles of the teaching. She finally understood what Enlightenment means, after all of my confusing explanations. And I showed her this forum. She will even sign up here. This made me even more happy. In the last two months I had many of these spiritual happy days. All the meditations without results finally pay of a bit. About a year ago I started to meditate longer and had occasionally a very calm blissful mood for a few hours. Then many months without nice meditation experiences came - you could call it a plateau. And in the holidays I had a high with a lot of meditation and nice experiences and a few insights. Now I will settle down on a new plateau, and this plateau is beautiful. I am just at the very very beginning of my journey. How beautiful can life be when you proceed further or eventually reach Enlightenment?

Look at Ken Wilber. He speaks about a lot of profound models, including the Clare Graves Model.

Long day of school: I never had 10 lessons a day. I was in school from 8am to 5:30pm. I had German, English, Physics, History and Social Science, each for 1.5h. As I got home I was tired, unconcentrated, unmotivated, hungry... I had many negative thoughts throughout the day, but was relatively positive in comparison to my schoolmates. I had some periods in the beginning of the day, where I got conscious and stayed conscious for maybe 20 seconds - thats nice. In English class I had to read loud a bit of text. I was surprised how well that worked. Normally I read very quiet and stumple a bit. But today I read pretty fast, loud enough and with a good pronunciation. In the most classes I participated well - the most in English. Everybody talked about how bad our teachers are and I took part at those conversations. But when I think now about the lessons, they were okay and not that boring. It is just the resistance against their situation in class, which makes them suffer. As I got home, I ate and wanted to work on a new coding project. But the code didn't wanted to work and I didn't have the motivation. So I just watched a few spiritual videos Now I am tired, but satisfied. I just want to relax and sleep. I will 'do' do nothing and then go to sleep. Extended thought about society: Dumb idiots from school are valuable, Hitler was valuable, Trump is valuable, I am valuable, Insects are valuable, ignorant family members are valuable. Only with bad examples society can grow. Without them everything stays the same. Try to change people, but do not care about them. If they do not want to change, thats the way it should be. If I reach Enlightenment or I don't, it doesn't matter at all. I can serve as a role model either way. Society will learn from me, even it is just a tiny tiny tiny bit, even if I contribute just as a little little number in a statistic. I am valuable as a negative or a positive role model. But at the same time everybody and everything is worth nothing. In the future humanity will die out, no matter what. And even if humanity does not die out, we are just matter. We are some protons, neutrons and electrons ordered in a particular way. And the universe does not care about how our matter is ordered. We are valuable. We mean nothing. What we do does not matter. Let go of any need, because it does not matter. What a relief!

A green smoothie or a green juice. But try out different things and look how you feel for the rest of the day. I used to eat a huge bowl of oat meal, then transitioned to a smoothie, and not I eat nothing until lunch.

Negative thinking habit in and about school: Negative: All my schoolmates are so dumb, egocentric, without empathy, not thinking about their future, overly hedonistic, unhealthy........... I do not want to be around such people, they are distracting me, they are so toxic. Positive: Why do I criticize them so much? These things are my own problems, they project on me. I have the great opportunity to learn from them. Then I can learn from them regarding my own neuroses and I can take them as a negative role model. Negative: The classes are so boring! I'd rather want to be home and do something useful. Positive: I can use this time here to practice mindfulness. Here are a lot of things that I can focus my attention on. I could also learn from the people around me. I could e.g. focus their body language. Negative: I think too negative about school. Positive: Now I see that I 'should' let go of any needs. Should statements I make in school: I shouldn't think so negative | I should think so negative I should be more mindful | I shouldn't be more mindful Classes should be more interesting | Classes shouldn't be more interesting The school system should be better | The school system shouldn't be better Students should do personal development | Students shouldn't do personal development People should be healthier | People shouldn't be healthier People should meditate | People shouldn't meditate I should participate more in class | I shouldn't participate more in class Teachers should teach better | Teachers shouldn't teach better I should get better grades | I shouldn't get better grades I shouldn't speak negative | I should speak negative I shouldn't gossip | I should gossip People shouldn't gossip | People should gossip People shouldn't care so much about their physical appearance | People should care a lot about heir physical appearance I shouldn't get homework | I should get homework I shouldn't have to write exams | I should have to write exams Thought about society: Everybody contributes society, whatever they do. We just play a role in society. If x is a very materialistic, consumeristic type of person, x will teach society that so much materialism and consumerism isn't good for the planet. If there are enough x-people, other y-people will recognize that we need to care about our environment and the planet. The x-people (orange) taught unconsciously / unwillingly the y-people (green) that its important to care about the environment and and about each other... And eventually z-people will see how x- and y-people fight against each other. Then z-people have the opportunity to learn from them that open-mindedness and a broader perspective is very important... Each group of people will teach each other something. And with the time the groups will learn from each other and some people form a group will grow into the next higher stage. Individuals just play a little part inside of a group, put every little part of the group is important and contributes to the larger picture. The orange people are important. They should be there to 'help' other people transcend into higher stages. Everything should be the way it is. Society makes so much sense to me right now. Beautiful

@Siim Land Do you think that 1 hour of eating is a big difference to eating for 3 to 4 hours a day? And for how many hours a day to you usually eat, and how much time did it take you to get to this time frame?

Magnets wouldn't stick at our refrigerator, but still a good idea. Maybe I will paint a few big pictures and hang them around my room and the outside of my door. @Key Elements Which quotes do you use to inspire your family?

I will not continue with writing here daily. Some days I have nothing important to say and it would be irrelevant to write it down here. A summary of my week should be enough. If I have a few interesting thoughts or experiences I will write them down here. For example today I tried standing meditation. After 40 minutes of sitting, I stood up for 15 minutes, then 20 minutes sitting and 10 minutes standing. This might be a good technique for doing longer sessions. If I don't want to do strong determination sitting and be more concentrated, not distracted from the pain in my knees, I can keep going much longer - at least I think so. As I stood, if felt no differences to a normal sitting. I didn't move, except from balancing. And I decided that next year I will definitively drive to Amsterdam to try there weed once or twice and to buy there some psychedelics to use them at home. I just want to gain the experiences once.

I would make it maybe like this: Make the background behind these categories a bit darker than the rest. And when you slide with your mouse over one of those boxes, let it become a little bit darker, so that you recognize it is selected. And anytime you go with your mouse on the boxes and click, you should go to the category's site - not only when you click on the heading of the category. I would like it that way. Its a bit like the windows 8 theme.

@Frogfucius @Matthew Lamot @Matthew Lamot @Pelin @Leo Gura @Emerald Wilkins thank you all for your lovely answers. Here are a few lessons that I will try to apply: I will try to let go of the need to change other people and accept them as they are. Maybe I will this karma yoga thing after my morning meditation. But I still don't just want to watch them suffering. I will at least try to inspire them, so that they have the possibility to become interested in self improvement stuff. If they are not open-minded enough, I will have to accept it. I already have a few powerful quotes hanging in my room. I hope my mother reads and understands them. I think if I get the possibility I will also leave home for university. Then I will be free from distractions, can do whatever I want and might inspire them by working on my life purpose. I already apply this a bit with my ignorant and rude father. But its good to hear that you really should do it. Now I have an idea for my mothers birthday present. Thanks! Soon I think I will tell my mother something about positive and negative motivation. She should understand this and be open enough for it. I hope she will apply it.

Plan for my last year of school: At the beginning of each school year I make a plan of what I want to accomplish and do. Everytime it does not work out and its funny to read the plan at the end of the school year. Maybe this year the plan will work out. Here it is: Grades: Explanation of the German school system: In Germany in 'high school' we get points as grades after each half year. 13-15 are almost equivalent to an A, 10-12 an B and 7-9 a C... The first two numbers will state how many points I want to reach in the two half years. If there is a third number, that means that I have an final exam in that subject, and the number will represent the points I want to reach there. The numbers with () are more ambitious goals which I do not have to meet, but it would be cool if I would. Maths and Chemistry are my 'advanced courses', those grades are much more important regarding my final grade, than the others. Maths 13(14),13(14),13(14) Chemistry 13,13,13 History 13,13,13 English 12(13),12(13),12 Physics 13,13 Computer science 13(14),13(14) German 11(12),11(12) Sports 10(11),10(11) Social Sciences 11(13),11(13) Those goals I 'should' meet without much more effort than in the last years. Even last years grades are on average probably better. The points with () might be a bit harder, but if I feel motivated and happy in class, and not so bored like last year, they should also be no problem too. Time in school: Last year I was very negative most of the time that I had to spend in school. The people around me projected their mood upon me. This year I don't want that, I want to stay positive and relatively conscious. I want to enjoy my last year and make good experiences with my school friends. I especially want to spend more time with my best friend, because its very likely that we will not see each other very often as soon as I am done with school. I want to participate more in class, especially in maths and computer science. Everytime I do this, I feel much better and happier. Normally I just say something when I am absolutely sure that my answer will be right and I have a good sentence in my head. I do not want to care about what other people from school think about me. I want to wear more comfortable clothes, even if they do not fit their social norm and do not look as good like my hiking trousers or my running shirts. Free time at home: I will have not that much free time. So I have to use my time wisely and without so many distractions. Everyday I will have lessons in the afternoon (except for Tuesday every second week). Each day I want to... meditate for 1h in the morning visualize and stretch a bit in the morning make sports (1h) (Monday and Thursday are rest days) or at least move a bit work on my life purpose (1h) meditate again (1h) do homework or revise for school (1h) , so that I do not have to work so much on the weekends Food in school: Last year if I had to stay at school in the afternoon and didn't have the possibility to ride home, I brought an oat meal with me and 1 liters of water. This year I do not want to eat in school at all and try out much longer intermittent fasts. At the moment I start eating at 1pm and in school I would eat at 2pm. If I do not bring me food to school, I will fast until 4 to 6pm. I want to try that out. I will bring my a lot of water, maybe 2 liters. In one bottle of water I will put some lemon pieces and mint, in the other one matcha tee and some green raw powder out of spinach, kale, mangold... Others probably will look at me very weird, when I will drink that green water

This might be a good resource too

As I laid down in bed yesterday night and heard music, I felt so great. I just wanted to laugh and did it. Then I started to think about society, peoples problems and challenges; all those things seemed so irrelevant and meaningless, that they became funny to me. And as I heard the last half of Leos new video I became so joyful. I loved myself and everything, I was grateful for everything, and so authentic. It was hard to fall asleep afterwards because of all the excitement and joy, so I meditated a bit in the dark. I trusted the silence and solitude. Life is beautiful

Sunday, 16/08/21 Why do I call all these sections 'work', like 'Enlightenment Work', 'Life Purpose Work' or 'School Work'. The effect is that I think of these things as work, but they are not work. How can I 'work' towards Enlightenment? It just happens, and everything will just happen. There is no self that decides to 'work' now. Enlightenment: 67 minutes of do nothing and letting go in the morning and 68 minutes of letting go in the afternoon. Today I didn't use bells to indicate how much time is gone and twice I stopped after almost the same amount of time. The last days it has been the same. Funny to recognize. I desperately tried to let go of the need to reach Enlightenment or anything in life. Everytime I hear Leo from the guided meditation in my mind like this: "and if you cannot let go of the desire, just let go". Haha, how can I 'just let go', if I cannot let go. There I realized that letting go is the wrong method. Why not let it be. 'letting go' is trying to do something 'letting be' is letting the experience be; allowing the experience happening as it is doing vs. being I assume that Leo meant with 'letting go' allowing all experiences, but I desperately tried to let go, that it became doing instead of being. I will know call this method 'letting be'. Life Purpose: I finished prioritizing my values and started to define them. I am not done yet, but I really like the results until now. Everytime I think about them, I become so calm, peaceful, full of love. I just love my values. I didn't code anything, because I spent a lot of time doing stuff on the computer. School: I continued reading the drama for English class and I realized that these battle rap boys are pursuing their life purpose. In class we will probably call this that they are pursuing the American Dream, but I don't care. I will call this the life purpose. I just have two more whole days left, do get done with all my revision and reading the drama. Things that I am grateful for: being and letting everything be writing down my thoughts great music Things that I recognized about my mind: I try to remove should statements and that works good. BUT I still say in my mind that e.g. I spend TOO much time on the Internet, or do TO LITTLE work for school. I still judge my actions a lot. This is just a observation of my mind. I do not try to stop that, I just recognize it. It was strange that Leo published todays video only at around 1pm. Normally it is up at 9:30am, so that I can watch it while eating my lunch. Today I saw that he uploaded it right after I finished lunch. So I watched about the half in the afternoon. The rest I will watch now while I lay in my bed and try to become tired.

I just found out that I am taking L-Theanine through drinking matcha once or twice a week. But I didn't know the effect of it.

Sexuality Here I will just write down my thoughts which I got in the last couple of days regarding my sexuality to clear up my mind. I always knew that I was not normal. As a kid I played with toys for boys rather than with girl stuff like dolls. I also didn't like to dress like a girl, I hated dresses and pink clothes. I found boy stuff and boy colors much cooler. And this didn't bother me for most of my childhood. Then when I came into puberty and the new school my difference to the other people came more into my mind. And happily I had a little group of friends and didn't get bullied by the 'cool' kids. Some of my friends and the most of the 'cool' kids got into 'relationships', but I really didn't care about getting into a relationship. I was very happy single. But in the back of my mind always was the thought that I am not normal. And at this time I new nothing else than heterosexuality, homosexuality, and later bisexuality. If I am not normal ( = heterosexual), I have to be abnormal ( = homosexual). And for a few months I considered myself as being homosexual, but told nobody about it. I was really uncomfortable with considering myself homosexual, because of social conditioning and the possibility of getting bullied. What would all these other people and 'cool' kids think about me? etc. And while I considered being homosexual, I found out that I am definitively not homosexual. If I were homosexual, I would have to be attracted by other women, and I would have to like looking at big breasts... and this was not the case. I find the male body attractive, and absolutely not the female one. Then I started to consider myself as being heterosexual again... I never fell in love or had a crush on someone. I told myself that I just don't find a boyfriend because all the boys in school are idiots. And once my best friend of that time said to me that I would be asexual like Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory. I denied that, I would be so normal. Probably at the age of 14 I tried out masturbation, because of my friends talking about orgasms. I didn't know what an orgasm, masturbation or a blowjob was, so had to do my own research on the Internet. There I found out that everybody would masturbates and that it would be soo great. So I tried it out and found it pretty disgusting But after a while of trying masturbation out, I stopped. I never ever was 'successful' at masturbating, it didn't felt so satisfying, and I never got an orgasm. From time to time I tried it again, without 'success'. It never bothered me not having an orgasm, I never have a need for masturbating, having sex, or being in a relationship. I like thinking about having sex or being in a relationship, but have no desire for it at all. About 9 months ago I found a video on You Tube about a guy who came out as asexual. I never thought that normal people would be asexual, just weird people similar to Sheldon Cooper. But I found out that the description of asexuality fitted to me really well. Asexuality basically means that you do not want to have sex. I think the day after I found that out, I told it my current best friend, and she just said "aha, cool." So I considered myself as being asexual for almost nine months and felt pretty good with it. But still something was not right there. A few days ago I came across some coming out videos from asexual people and watched them just for fun. In one of them the person was not just asexual, but also aromantic. I never heard of that before, looked it up, and decided that I am also aromantic. That means that I do not want to be in a romantic relationship with another person. And I feel pretty good with that label too. While doing my research I also found this video series of seemingly thousand of explanations of different asexual and aromantic terms. It's astonishing how many different orientations exist. So now I know that I am not just asexual and aromantic, I also found a lot of other fitting definitions and labels for myself: aesthetic attraction ( I like looking at male bodies), low libido and sex and romance favorable. I can imagine having having a relationship somewhen in the future with somebody who is very similar to me. That means he would have to be vegan and healthy, going after Enlightenment and Self-Actualization, pursuing his life purpose, spending a lot of time in nature... I think it will be very hard to find someone like this out there in the real world (not on the Internet). Then if I would find someone like this, love this person and get into a relationship with this person, I could imagine having sex with that person. Having deep intimate sex with multiple orgasms in a row and experimenting with hypnosis meanwhile could be very awesome. This is what I mean with sex and romance favorable. Until now I told just my best friend about my sexual orientation. My mother probably is not sure if I am hetero- or homosexual. A few years ago she even asked me if I am trans-gender - no I am not. And everybody else in school thinks I am a lesbian because of my not so female physical appearance. I do not plan coming out to my family. I could imagine telling it my mother in the future, when she will ask me if I am in a relationship... But I don't know how my father would react. He is very narrow-minded and would assume that I have hormone issues or other illnesses. This whole text is just a story with a lot of labels. It is good to be clear about the labels that fit to me, but they do not define me. I am what I am and if I spontaneously have the desire to have sex with a random person I meet on the street, I do not care about my labels. The labels could even change with the time.

If you really would have accepted your situation, you wouldn't bother about not changing anything and you wouldn't become angry about it. But maybe I am going to far here. Accepting everything basically equals Enlightenment

Saturday, 16/07/20 Enlightenment Work: 52 minutes of do nothing in the morning, 60 minutes of the guided (edited) neti neti meditation. As I was really trying to find the nothingness in the neti neti meditation and I failed. And later in that sitting after finishing the guided part, I realized that I want to reach Enlightenment too much, and this wanting/attachment prevents me from getting it or experiencing the nothingness. I need to let go of that and of everything else (like success and good grades in school), but that is hard. How should I do this? Life Purpose Work: I prioritized my values again and tried to figure out my new Zone of Genius, but this is hard. I don't know if the answers I am writing down at the work sheet are right... I wanted to code a little bit, but the Internet was gone. And coding without being able to search for solutions on the Internet is not so sensible. School Work: I summed up stuff for chemistry and wrote it down nicely. And I revised stochastic stuff for math and did a few exercises. I love math, but I hate probability stuff. Things I am grateful for: calling my best friend seeing how depended I am on having Internet access seeing that I am too attached Since yesterday evening our Internet and telephone connection was gone. So until this afternoon I only had Internet access on my phone and that was really slow. I had to do things where I don't need the Internet like school work or thinking about my life purpose. I also stopped procrastinating and started to edit the neti neti meditation. I wanted to do this for a long time, and finally I did it. I edited out of the audio file the stuff where Leo explains things about open-mindedness... which just annoyed me. And I added a few breaks with just silence where Leo is to fast for me.

Friday, 16/08/19 Enlightenment Work: 53 minutes of do nothing in the morning, 16 minutes of death contemplation before lunch, 40 minutes of letting go before going to bed. In my normal meditation sessions I first just relax and try to still my monkey mind with do nothing or letting go. That takes 30 to 60 minutes. Only after that I start with self inquiry, but at that time my mind also begins to thinking about when I could quit, what I could do after the meditation, boredom... That interrupts my self inquiry attempt so often, that I never get deeper into the self inquiry. And after I hear the bell that indicates that I did 60 minutes, I normally stop not much sooner. Life Purpose Work: I prioritized my values, but nothing more. School Work: I started to read the book for English class. It is about the American Dream and about Hip Hop / battle rap, what a chimp game... The new timetable for the upcoming school year got published on the website of my school. And my timetable is very shitty... Almost everyday I have school in the afternoon (once or twice until half past 5pm, and the other times until 5pm) , but many free time in between the lessons. That is somehow annoying. But once or twice I only have to go to school at 10am. I talked with my best friend about the new timetable and I got into this negative thinking and complaining mode. In the school time I am always so negative, because everybody else is it too. I complain about the organisation, the teachers, other students, homework... But when I think about it objectively, it is not that bad, it could be much worse, and I am really lucky that I have the possibility to go to school. So why do I complain? Things that I am grateful for: getting started with school work knowing my new timetable My parents are back home... they annoy me, but I now I don't feel so lonely anymore Today I was really lazy. Almost the whole morning I just watched stupid You Tube videos and didn't move at all.