JKG

17/1/4 - Streak 2 lunch salad green lettuce with chicory root, fruit and an avocado 1 pear 2 apples with beet root "snack" 1 pear 1 apple 1 banana 1 blood orange grapes 5 walnuts 5 cashews 2 Brazil nuts some pumpkin seeds dinner soup (3 plates) Brussel sprouts, potato, carrot, noodles 4 grapes What went well? drinking tea less resistance and desire, could easily handle it pushed the snack again until 5pm in the morning I visualized the eating habit for 5 minutes What will I do tomorrow? drinking tea visualizing Did I challenge myself too much? No, I could handle it well. The willpower-battery didn't run out so fast. I did some breaks while "working". No contemplation was needed to "distract" myself. I noticed that I eat almost everyday almost raw until dinner. Cool. It's like raw till 4 but rather like raw till 6 or 7

Following my intuition, making strategic bold life changes happen, going to a vipassana retreat, and changing one habit at a time.

17/1/3 - Streak 1 lunch salad green lettuce with some fruit beet root with 2 small apples 1 pear "snack" blood orange 2 small apples 1 pear grapes 5 walnuts 5 chasews 2 Brazil nuts some pumpkin seeds dinner (1.5 plates) potatoes cauliflower eggs carrot, grapes What went well? withstanding the desire to eat out of boredom actually feeling how my stomach was empty a few hours after lunch I pushed eating the snack until 5pm I "distracted" myself from eating through sitting in silence&solitude and contemplating (eliminating beliefs, how can one know that there is an external reality - that got my mind crazy and I forgot food) drinking a big can of tea What I will do tomorrow? drinking tea again contemplating again Did I challenge myself too much? I felt once that my willpower-battery drained very quickly. So I allowed to do some other distractions to let the battery recover itself a bit and to grain some willpower to withstand from eating. It worked well and didn't overdo it too much. I am happy how it went today.

I applied the pre-mortem technique on this habit. Some things that I will do: asking myself each day in this journal whether or not over-challenge myself, so that I don't trick myself into trying to change more habits than this eating habit reaching at least a streak of 21 consecutive days with a good eating habit visualizing that for a long time I have tried to change this habit but never was able to change it long term facing my inner deamons rewatching the videos "overcoming addiction" and "how to stop backsliding" regularly making myself responsible through my best friend - giving her some food each time that I "fail" setting some intermediate goals My fist intermediate goal is it to reach a streak of 21 days of only eating three meals a day without snacks. One at lunch, one between lunch and dinner, and finally dinner.

How can you say that. Have you experienced it yourself? Did you really consider all the evidence? Be open! Practice Not-Knowing! Honestly I have not really researched the subject enough to say that I know this for certain. I can never know this for certain. Anything. I have only watched four YouTube videos yet. I can imagine that this is true. And if it is true it would be horrible. Discuss this rather here:

Watch this! Perfectly for your and my situation! Don't try to change multiple habits at a time. That is a 99.9999% chance for failure. Did this method ever work for you? I bet it didn't. NEVER! Choose one habit! ONE! Don't trick yourself into wanting to change more than just this one! Just waking up earlier or just quitting television. ONE of them, NOT BOTH! Do the pre-mortem technique here with this ONE habit!

I've heard of it but never thought about it very much until a few days ago. Many people can't handle the truth. Stuck in their lives people just want easy entertainment and just can't handle this shit. I understand that perfectly. My head goes crazy! Please! I want to know the truth!

Components of Sadness Why does sadness arise? Why does it exist in human awareness? What is it build upon? What is its use? an unwanted experience being powerless/helpless to change the unwanted experience an event happening in the past and the possibility of the future His could be applied to things like... the death of a loved one chemtrails seeing animals or other people suffer How to eliminate sadness? Simply eliminate one of the components. not not-wanting the unwanted experience not resisting the unwanted experience - embracing it, not wanting to change it being completely in the present moment - eliminating the possibility of time and therefore the possibility of a better future

Isn't it so that everybody's impact statement is related to increasing the consciousness or open-mindedness of humanity or something along those lines in one way or another? Or maybe raising the "stages of humanity" (Spiral Dynamics)? And does one then has to make his impact statement after realizing this more specific? This is kind of like a theory of mine that I'd like to get confirmed.

In my mind the worst part is that this elite wants to decrease the human population for their purposes. They want power. They want to spread their genetically modified seeds which are resistant to Aluminum. It seems like they rob our health, beautiful nature and freedom. That gets me somehow motivated to experience as much of our nature and use as much of the freedom we have as long as it is still possible. Maybe in 10 or 20 years we are already dependent on Monsanto's seeds, the beautiful nature on Hawaii is already deteriorated or our health is already so poor. It is so sad but through this sadness action can be inspired. It seems like one cannot do anything against this. One wants to resist but is powerless to do so. But that is also in a way the essence of Enlightenment. Not resisting the present moment but accepting it totally as it is.

I need to prevent my father from becoming angry I need to prevent other people from offending me in some way because I am emotionally weak I will not show my true emotions but need to hide them

Sample Bottom-Line Contemplation subject of contemplation: why it feels uncomfortable to show love I don't want to show love. It is okay with my sister, but when other people see that we cuddle I feel so weird. I don't want other people to see that. It feels uncomfortable. I have fear, some kind of fear. They could see underneath my skin, underneath my facade. They could see a part of my authentic self while they haven't seen the authentic me yet. They could see my true emotions and that feels embarrassing, uncomfortable. I think the same goes for the emotions/feelings of sadness, fear, hurt and unconditional love. It is embarrassing to come out of meditation with the feeling of unconditional love for everyone, calmness, bliss. Why is it uncomfortable to me that others could see and know my true emotions? It feels as if they could hurt me. They could go behind the facade with their hands and do something that I don't want/like. Like they could tickle a little, naked, helpless infant without protection. What could they do to me without the protection of the facade? They could see my vulnerability. The y could see that I get easily hurt when somebody says something mean to me. They could judge me because of my vulnerability, laugh at me, joke around with me. They simply could hurt me. And the negative emotions could arise after they have left the protection of my facade. I would cry, go away to be alone and protected and feel bad. Emotions of being not strong enough, inadequate, weak, not worthy, self-guilt, not being appreciated, not being loved, without help or support, all on my own. I don't have the control about what happens to me when I open the facade. I could get pushed around and feel so bad afterwards. I run away from this fear of being seen vulnerable through anger, hiding or denying that I feel bad. I don't want anyone getting too close to me except for my sister, with her it is no problem. It is like a threat to my life. They could kill me easily behind the facade because behind the facade I am not strong but helpless and weak. I have to hide my vulnerability through a fence where other people cannot look behind. But when they get to see through it they can see the vulnerable me with cannot protect itself. Therefore the ego has to maintain and strengthen the fence. It defends the fence by hiding or simply going away from uncomfortable situations. It maintains the fence by keeping up my self-image and the opinions others have about me. And it strengthens the fence by fixing bad, inadequate parts of the self and finding new identifications. When I feel inferior the fence gets threatened, when I feel superior the fence gets strengthened. (I wrote this text this morning after waking up on a piece of paper. Not edited afterwards. It took me about an hour)

17/1/2, Monday intermittent fasting until 2pm big smoothie - lunch 3 apples 1 banana a piece of ginger some powder a lot of kale big salad - lunch 1 chiccory root half of a radicchio 2 tomatoes balsamic vinegar avocado oil fruits - lunch 2 apples 1 pear nuts - snacks cashew - too much walnuts - not too much Brazil nuts - too much, about 5 pumpkin seeds - not too much raisins - snacks a small hand full - way less than what I would normally eat frozen fruit - snack a 'winter fruit mix' with rather exotic fruit - a small cup dinner potatos, peas, celery - 1.5 plates walnuts - snack (while cracking walnuts) 2 figs - snack a package of healthy chips - snack kale chips with beet root (30g) (I got it for Christmas) 1 hand of raisins - snack What could I do better generally? I ate the raisins and frozen fruit just to please my desire for food while waiting for the dinner to get ready. This is not necessary The snacks after dinner were also not necessary. I watched a documentary and cracked nuts meanwhile. The food was just a distraction. What I will do better tomorrow? drinking at least 1 cup of tea first if I feel the desire to eat while waiting for dinner brushing my teeth after dinner

What I've learned it is important to let the blood circulate regularly to activate the lymphatic system many times throughout the day raise your frequency to attract what you want visualize abundance to attract money there are relative truths which we have to design our lives around, but there is also the absolute Truth Christmas is absurd, but you can get out of this tradition feel to feel more my father distracts himself from a lot of inner emotional pain with music, food, the internet, little technical projects, everything... surroundings rob your energy; that's why monks live in monasteries feeling-awareness != concept of feeling I need to be more vulnerable and to show my vulnerability Soft or Hard? Polarities: If I want the one, there has to be the other Victim - Victor Feeling = physical + emotional adapting to the principles of the human body -> effortlessness experiencing negative emotions and letting is happen is like detoxification of the mind insights will let you learn faster 5 principles of effortless power relaxing feeling the whole body + spacial awareness finding the center being grounded being calm I want to express my emotions fully I want to build a conscious community my family is very blue. And I see how easy it is to stay in this stage forever. You can focus so much on all this family stuff and never get to see something outside of this stage being willing to experience the unwanted and dropping resistance will eliminate fear and anger Pre-mortem technique before you begin a project visualize a spectacular failure make a list of causes of failure find solutions for potential failures and implement them You just have to ask! How I moved forward cleaning up my room and wardrobe a bit standing a lot at my new standing desk writing long emails to my friend finishing my list of values making my morning routine stick buying more vegetables doing yoga/stretching in the morning with dorsiflexion exercises normally not using the internet until 10am reading and making notes on Zen Body-Being making mind maps about the Book of Not Knowing doing a lot of shadow work and bottom-line contemplation contemplating taking a gap year learning stuff from Teal Swan feeling emotions doing little comfort zone challenges uncovering my childhood vows analyzing my father writing a review about 2016 doing a death contemplation exercise beginning to collect arguments for taking the gap year going for walks rereading the Book of Not Knowing doing relaxation exercises running around outside in a shirt (0 degree Celsius) drinking tea instead of eating snacks beginning to read "Radical Honesty" doing the Pre-mortem technique What my intuition is telling me lately removing all the red colors out of my room and bringing more nature into my room visualizing more eating less sweet stuff and more vegetables preparing the gap year more acting slowwwww using this forum only twice a day letting my father see what I do all day never making commitments. I hate commitments! doing more feeling-awareness exercises not meditating in the morning, but when I am fully awake and alert to concentrate on the meditation using the time in the morning to discover emotional stuff while the house is completely silent doing an experiment with sprouts next to a wlan rooter trying to explain my idea of the gap year to my mother and see how she reacts What I did differently putting ginger into my smoothies singing while biking quietly doing running exercises while running pass an old couple singing quietly while biking pass other people standing on the middle of the road (while no cars where in sight) smiling to people sitting in the car driving by Happy new year. Will 2017 be the best year of your life.

@Mango1998 May I add something to your unofficial "good-resolutions-list"? Something that is not so hard and over time will change your whole life around? Change every month one little habit. Because how will you be able to change your whole life to the better with shitty routines? And how will you be able to make more drastic changes if you cannot even change one little thing every month. I would begin with the morning. Build a good morning routine which will prepare you for the whole day. I'd suggest at the beginning just to wake up immediately. That is hard enough. When your first alarm rings firstly stand up, get out of your bed, and only then turn the alarm off. Then go into the bathroom and do your stuff. Then go back into your room and not lay down again! Stay awake! Thats it. Do this for one month. Without excuses. And to remember yourself to do this, do the following: take a normal piece of paper and a pen. Write onto this paper "GET UP!" and put it on your wall or door. And everyday you wake up immediately, check the day of mach einen Strich an eine Strickliste (I didn't know how to put it in English, so I wrote it in German). Do that now! And if you want you could implement also this little exercise which takes less than 5 minutes. It could be a little meditation.

"some Buddhist sects emphasize a lifetime practice of fully and profoundly feeling every nook and cranny of the body, believing that all consciousness resides in the body in one form or another." by Peter Ralston in Zen Body-Being

"In many schools, teachers and students alike are led away from the door through which I believe they must enter. Consequently, they grow enamored with the landscape along their paths, and many stay there and consider it right. Thus, one sees them making a great uproar over the most insignificant educational theories and arguing among themselves over what is right and what is wrong. The landscapes along the way are merely appearances fashioned within the framework of the mind. As regards to the landscape, the details could be discussed without end." - Chozan Shissai, 17th-century swordmaster

I just noticed that I have started to implement almost every little habit which I wrote on my Intuition Incubator list and did almost every item on my Intuition-Incubator-to-do-list. Very very pleased with this. And it feels like I have made a lot of progress, just in the last week. The last few days have been filled with so many negative emotions - anger and fear. I have dealt with them. Now was the first day with rather positive emotions. So grateful right now about this progress. If all of 2017 would be like this, wow.

Questions to answer before you die Hello there, I am J and I died yesterday. Now you might ask how I died. Well, I was 114 years old. The last years of my life I just spent mostly meditating in my little cabin in the woods near a ecovillage. I went to bed - really peaceful, quiet, calm after helping at the ecovillage in the permaculture gardens. After this day of physical work I slept in. And didn't woke up again. I died a really easy death, no pain, no nothing. I didn't even notice it. And now I am here. I want to apologize. I want to apologize to my mother. I never showed to her how much I value her dedication to raising me and my sister. She was a really good mother. She loved us, was there for us and cared for us. She understood me. She was soft and not so hard like my father. She even quited her job because of her pregnancy with me. I apologize to my sister that in her childhood I was sometimes mean and acted like my father. I want to apologize to my father, that I never showed him my love, that I didn't fulfilled his expectations and brought him suffering and fear. I never told him that I was grateful for that he provided my family a comfortable and safe life, with no worries about money, with some vacations, with good food. He cared so much for the future of me and my sister. And he didn't receive goods from his effort. Not from me, my sister, nor my mother. I apologize to my grandfather that I didn't spent much time with him. I didn't even know that he was ill and I never was able to say goodbye to him. He is already gone for so long. I apologize to my grandmother that I also didn't spent much time with her. I never appreciated all of her gifts so much and I didn't cared for her wellbeing. I apologize to my other grandparents for not talking with them much, just taking for granted everything they do and give to me. I apologize to my uncle that I never showed my love really back. I apologize to my godmother that I spent almost no time with her and never gave her something back. Whom do I need to tell "I love you" to? Well, to many people because I never said "I love you" to almost anyone. I'd like to say "I love you" to my mother, my father, my grandparents, my uncle, my cousins, my friends, the rest of my family and all the people who care and support me, with all my heard, really meaning it. What things would I have done differently? I wouldn't have taken school so seriously and spent my childhood more with other activities like socializing, making friends, maybe taking a exchange year, going traveling for some years. I would have learned these rather basic skills like communication and making life experiences. Expressing my emotions and being authentically, being myself. I wouldn't have gone to university. I would have developed myself internally, living at a place with like-minded people, maybe in an ecovillage or spiritual community. I would have meditated a LOT and then went began to teach people while traveling around the world, making a little business out of it. And somewhen I eventually settled down and build my own community. And people from this community spread and built their own communities around the world too. And what about this particular year 2016? Mmmmh, what would I have done differently. I could just think of using my willpower more and making a habit out of changing habits. I struggled really with this eating habit. I would have taken the willpower, sat through this challenge of eating less and finally made it. Then I would have had way less days on which I just felt miserable because of overeating. What things are you glad you did? I am very very glad that I found this path of personal development and later the spiritual path. Oh man, what would my life have been without meditation at all. I am so grateful that I have met my best friend. At the beginning I hated her but then... She changed my life, brought me into Buddhism which later turned towards the seeking of Enlightenment inspired by actualized.org . She made me more open-minded and aware of different lives, different cultures. Thank you @Mango1998 , so much! I am glad that all of this happened so early in my life, that I was still open-minded enough as a little teenager. I am grateful for installing this meditation habit from so early on. And then I am grateful for making bold life changed, breaking out of this cycle which my parents wanted me to go. Thanks whatever for giving me the courage to break out! What will people mostly remember about me? People often tell me that I radiate this calmness. I want to be remembered for that. For bringing people in touch with the present moment when they are around me. That they have this feeling of secureness and love around me. That I have helped so many people breaking out of the "orange"-cycle, the speed of life and that I have opened for them the possibility of more. That there is more to life, that one just has to be open-minded enough and then to see radical, beautiful, mind-blowing possibilities. That I have spread consciousness and open-mindedness into the world and have influenced so many people, even if it just was indirectly. What legacy am I leaving behind? Well, I have built an amazing community with spiritual people. A place for presence, love, helping each other, spiritual purification, freedom and spiritual development. I have influenced many other people also built their own spiritual communities around the world. I have influenced the whole world, brought open-mindedness and consciousness around the world. I have changed the life of many people around. And these people will influence many many other people after may time in the 22th century. This will become a chain-reaction of consciousness and open-mindedness. Humanity will transform into turquoise with my help. But what legacy would I leave behind when I would have died on the 31th December 2016? Maybe some people would remember me as meditating a lot and inspiring them a little bit for eating healthier or moving more. But not so much. If I would get another chance to live life from the beginning on, what would I now have the courage to do that I didn't have before? I would express my emotions fully, from the beginning on. I would never repress my emotions. I would be as authentically as possible and just do whatever I want. I would take on the call of my hero's journey completely. I would totally commit to spirituality and my life purpose. I would live out my life purpose to the fullest. What else should I do? I would never let my family and negatively people, who don't have the results that I want, hold me back. I would only listen to the people having the results that I want and to my inner wisdom, my intuition, my inner muse. Oh year, I will! (I didn't reread this text, so there could be weird sentences)

Review of 2016 The new year started pretty shitty. My mood was down and I think the reason for it was a lack of purpose. For Christmas my father bought us a pretty good telescope and for me two books about astronomy stuff. I studied astronomy a bit and kind of came to the conclusion that there is absolutely no meaning in life. The universe is soo huge and one human being makes absolutely no difference at all neither humanity. We are just some particles, some matter, some energy ordered in a certain way. The universe still expands or eventually collapses and everything will become so dense again. I still think that this is true but I made the wrong conclusion. I took it a nihilistic way. I was too deep into rationality. I didn't see the beauty of this. At that time in my mind the only possible, reasonable life purpose was it to contribute to science, physics, mathematics, astronomy, etc., although the discoveries again would have been meaningless. So I started researching a bit, studying a bit, reading a bit. But I was not fulfilled. I had no meditation highs anymore like I used to a few months prior. I was stuck with my old bad habits and even slided back into some habits that I already have overcome. I ate a lot, I spent a lot of time on the internet, wasted time with other activities... I had nothing meaningful to do. I even didn't liked it to have no homework to do. I remember one day that I had nothing to do and that I felt so empty. Then in the middle of February my father decided that I should begin with my driver license. I finally had something to do. I could study for the theoretical test. I always listened to the same songs, again and again. Now I associate these songs so much with my driver license stuff. I loved it to have practical driving lessons. After every lesson I was kind of just waiting for the next one. Then after about three months I got my driver license without failing any tests. I have stuffed the emptiness with diver license stuff. Another reason for the deep phase was that I got injured. On the first day of the year I went running. I decided that I would start the year with a long run (13km, this is long for me). I felt great, but as I got home I felt pain in the front of my left foot. This meant that I could not run and I loved running at that time. I could not run for two or three months. I got into biking, going on a crosstrainer or doing bodyweight exercises and stretching instead. I hated that. And I didn't make any progress. I was stuck. After my injury had cured I got into more endurance sport again but it was more balanced - half of the time endurance and the other half of the time strength. But in the summer I identified again more with endurance, then after the summer again more strength, and from fall on again more balanced. I know, I change my priorities a lot. I noticed when I get to rigid with either endurance or this strength stuff I identify myself too much with it. And when I don't get results and progress I suffer. Balance is important and as well as doing it out of fun and intuition. At the moment I have relatively little identification with sports. I do what I want, intuitively. I noticed that I don't like strength stuff so much. I rather like endurance and something like yoga, stretching, handstand... I don't know what the exact trigger was but somewhen in May or June my overall mood became better. I discovered the website and app "Habitica". I tried to improve my habits with it. It kind of worked for a month but it was very neurotic. I also was finally able to purchase the Life Purpose Course with he help of my best friend. This was a huge thing. I went through the whole course in two weeks while cleaning up my whole room. My results were okay. I still don't know my exact life purpose but I got a good perspective and good understanding about the whole topic. I began to work on my life purpose in the summer holidays. At the time it was "I spread consciousness through teaching wisdom." I began reading philosophy books and tried to write blog articles. I also thought about creating a permaculture garden where I can teach enlightenment related stuff. Later the life purpose shifted to making art (fractals) through programming or through programming something else. One thing that I am very clear about is my impact statement: contributing to increase the consciousness of humanity. Right now I feel like I want to coach people. I want to bring them more in touch with their emotions, help them with their shadow work, make them more open-minded, etc. At the beginning of the summer holidays I went with my father into the Alps. With a group we hiked over them in about eight days with a 10kg backpack. I really enjoyed the nature, the beautiful landscape and the physical exercise. I was by far the fittest one of the group. But I really disliked the very unhealthy food there. Afterwards I often thought about doing such a tour again in the future. And some habits improved. I ate less raisins and oats. In the fall holidays I went with my family to Denmark for two weeks like every year. I finally wanted to move from just doing the theory to doing the practical stuff. Therefore I committed to not using the internet for one week. It worked out and I got a lot of stuff done. I did a lot of shadow work, meditation, self inquiry, visualization, values assessments, self-love... I also began to discover my whole belief-system, my identifications, etc. In the second week I began to use the internet again but less. I also had a little awakening experience or just a meditation high. At one moment in self-inquiry I began to feel soo much love. It lasted for a day or two. I started to become more authentic and go out of my comfort zone - at least a little bit. I questioned cultural norms and stopped removing hair so often. At the moment I don't shave my legs, my armpits only once in a while, and do nothing with the bit of facial hair anymore. Well, it is easier in the winter. I will probably shave more regularly again in summer - or maybe not, it depends on my courage at that time. At home I don't wear bras anymore, even in the summer in T-Shirts. In the winter it is again easier because I mostly wear just hoddies. Sometimes I even don't wear a bra in school when it is not so visible. I also wash my hair only once or twice a week and endure having oily hair - my parents don't like that at all. Because I cleaned up my wardrobe and minimized my amount of clothes, I wear often the same clothes. In school they probably think that this would be very unhygienic. I started becoming more honest. I tell my best friend some rather uncomfortable stuff regularly, wrote an honest letter to a former best friend and became more honest with my mother. I begin to feel more into my emotions, look at all my judgments and listen to my intuition. In November I purchased the booklist, again with the help of my best friend. She also ordered me the books "Neti Neti Meditation", "The Book of Not Knowing" and "Zen Body-Being". I got into a very good reading habit effortlessly. More little insights and discoveries about myself followed. I am slowly implementing all of it. I will be getting more books in the future. I think 2016 was until now the best year of my life. I think I say/think this every year since I got onto this personal development track (2014?). I finally feel like I see a little part of the exponential growth curve that lies in front of me. What will life be like in 5,10,15,20 years? Thoughts on 2017 2017 will be the year. The year of the years. The year for which I have been waiting for such a long long time. It will be the year in which I will turn 18 and finish school. Little J used to think "Wow, 2017 will be the year of the years. I will finally be independent. And so grown up. But it will take so long until I am there." I will gain more freedom and a bit more independence from my parents. But together with this freedom will come uncertainty and fear. I am confused about what I should do. Should I go to university? And then to which university and which major. Should I move out? This road would be more certain but would also "imprison" me for 3 to 5 years and maybe even more. Or should I do something else like taking a gap year and travel. And should I after the gap year go to university or take on the call for my life purpose. This would be the very uncertain path, the path with fear and resistance, which my family would dislike soo much. I am confused. Well, there is one thing I do know. I want to follow my intuition. I trust my intuition to guide me through those tough decisions. It will take the right decision. I will just have to take the courage to follow the decision. And if it choses the uncertain path there will be sooooooooo much resistance. AAWWHWWWAAHAW!!! Another thing is that I want to go to a 10 day vipassana retreat. And I want to finally work on my eating habit. Should I decide on a motto for 2017? What about "Shut up and follow the intuition"?

open-mindedness

Why do I get angry? People are occupying MY free time in which I could do something more useful to develop myself. I have planed something with MY time and they destroy those plans. I cannot control my time. I am out of control with my life. I am incapable of controlling. What do I fear? I fear losing the support of my family. I fear being completely on my own. I fear being rejected by all of society. I fear failing, having no money left, no place to be, no help by friends, so that I have to come back home, have to ask for support, and just get rejected. I fear being hated by my family. Rejected. I fear getting hated, rejected, not loved by anyone.

No, this is very different. This feeling comes from CORE assumptions that I have made. These core assumptions influence almost EVERYTHING I do. Every emotion, every thought, every action, almost. And this fear is not just a "normal" fear. It is an existential fear. This goes way deeper than just passing an exam. It is about surviving or dying. And the ego does not want to die, it wants the self-image to persist.

@Siim Land Have you already read all the books from Leos booklist?