JKG

Yes, I make progress. Yes, I become more mature. Yes, I am awesome. Thank you for this comment.

Elliott Hulse I watched some videos by Elliott Hulse in the last days. Oh man, I can feel this love, masculinity, authenticity, strength in this guy. He has made a lot of development. There is a lot I can learn from him. I especially find this Bioenergetics stuff interesting. Wim Hof I also become more interested in Wim Hof again. He resonates with Elliott Hulse too. Right now, standing here in the warmth I am motivated to take cold showers in the morning again and get into the garden and let my sister pour cold water over me. Getting Initially out of the comfort zone But everytime when I want to do such things there is this initial resistance. But then when I did this step out of the comfort zone I get empowered. The cold is your teacher, like Wim Hof says it. There is a lot to learn from getting into the cold and beating the resistance. Honesty When I now thing about the book Radical Honesty I almost immediately feel the resistance. I know what I should be honest about. I should have a long conversation with my parents and tell them what I think about their marriage. And I should express love to them, and hug them for example. But this resistance! I will watch how this feeling progresses and journal about it. There will come the right time and I will feel it. I kind of just want to push these thoughts and the resistance away and emerge in unconscious behavior, and not think about such uncomfortable stuff. But then it comes to my mind that life will not improve through this and in the future I will regret it. If I do this I will benefit from it a lot in the future. I would be able to express my emotions, clear blockages... I already became better with it, but really not enough. Neti Neti Meditation I did this today, just for 35 minutes after the mindfulness technique. I forgot how deep I can go with this technique if I am just alert enough. Today I was so deep, so deep I haven't been in quite a while. But this deepness is on the absolute level not very deep, not at all. I want to read the book again and master this technique together with mindfulness. Feeling Blessed Today again was a birthday "party" with the broader family because of my sister and myself. I hate this day of the year, because of all the cake and all the stress my parents have. This time my father made 4 cakes... And that causes a lot of stress and bad mood for him. Anyways, I feel blessed to have this family. I am living in a great time, where there is no war and no people out of a family die because of war. I realized that through studying the German history after the World War II. (In June 1947 the German population just got 750 calories each day!) My family is relatively healthy and wealthy. And I got presents again. I got a big smoothie book. And I got tea, some sort of oat meal and snacks. And I got money (so much )and credit notes. And I got two new books: "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie and "Taming Your Gremlin" by Rick Carson. Just looking through those books made me excited to read and learn from them. By the way: I hate cake. I ate 5 pieces today. I feel terrible. Apes I continued reading "Our Inner Ape" and I am astronished by how much we can learn just from apes. I am in the chapter about power and its so cool. Some stuff I underlined: allegory of modern humanity: like violent apes, covered in our own blood, we long for reassurance. Despite our tendency to maim and kill, we want to hear that everthing will be alright. No male can rule by himself, at least not for long, because the group as a whole can overthrow anybody... = human politics Power is the prime mover of the male chimpanzee death is the ultimate price of trying to reach the top being in a position of power is stressful. stress compromises the immune sytem A male can increase his progeny by mating with many females while keeping rivals away. The females goes for quality rather than quantity. Risk-taking is a male characteristic, as is the hiding of vulnerabilities men have been socialized into hiding emotions girls competed only if necessary, but boys seemed to do so just for the sake of it. they desperately want to find our where they stand relative to one another knocking a male of his pedestal gets the same reaction as yanking the security blanket away from a baby What these male chimpanzees are doing seems to me like a perfect discription of what the boys in my high school are doing all the time. They are just apes, driven by their instincts. So funny of thinking of certain people this way and seeing them as babies covering themselves with blankets, just to hide their true emotions. Change Its a time of change and I really like this change now. I am growing. I love this. Notes I now have removed the old quotes from my door and put new quotes, pictures and ideas from The Happiness Hypothesis on it. Now when I look on my door I see in huge letters "Areté" (virtue, goodness, excellence) and "Eudaimonia" (happiness, a life lived well, flourishing, actualizing). I love these concepts. Maybe soon as much as Brian Johnson:

17/03/10, Friday Eating breakfast, lunch, dinner - Streak 3 Eating without additional stimulation - Streak 3 Programming my Subconscious Mind (15min) - Streak 20 Getting up directly - Streak 17 Mindfulness Meditation (15min) - Streak 17 Dorsiflexion exercises - Streak 3

"When heaven is about to confer a great responsibility on any man, it will exercise his mind with suffering, subject his sinews and bones to hard work, expose his body to hunger, put him to poverty, put obstacles in the paths of his deeds, so as to stimulate his mind, harden his nature, and improve whatever he is incompetent." - Meng Tzu

A School Day - 5 In the morning I've had the maths exam. I liked it. I was kind of in a flow state while doing it. It wasn't particularly hard but I had time pressure. At the end everything with the time worked out well. I feel like I have answered almost all of the tasks correctly. There are just a few minor mistakes. I fell like it will be an A, something like 14 points. Afterwards I was quite happy. Then we had another maths class, but there the other students and our teacher ordered pizza. I did my homework for social science. And we did a picture for the "Abizeitung" too. We all wore our maths hoddies where this is written on. The lunch break I spend with my friend. At some point another student came to us. Just to have something to talk about we asked her what she will do after school. She has no idea. So we started giving funny advices, like studying horse science or breeding dogs. After some time this student was probably annoyed by us and went away to the other cool people. Then we just talked about the time after school and history stuff. In the afternoon I firstly had history. I was pretty tired from the exam and my teacher just talked and talked and talked. Sometimes the stuff he talks about is interesting, but when I am tired I sometimes just want the lessons to be over. At least he told some funny stories. His wife is working in some kind of social organization and there was one case that there is a 29 year old grandfather. There was also other funny stuff but I already forgot it. He also talked about his retirement. In 10 years he will retire and will earn 2/3 of his current income. That will be quite a lot because he is the deputy director of our school. I feel like he has a very good life, for a non spiritual person. He kind of has done everything right. His relationships seem to be very good. He has a extroverted personality, is interesting and has probably good friends. His family relationships also seem very good. His work life is also good. He is very interested in history and such social stuff. He has worked his way up from a normal teacher to a deputy director. He tries to make the school life better etc. His work has meaning to him. Just the spirituality is missing. Then I had also social science. For most of the time we talked about the boring homework which was about how the European union has formed after World War II. We also watched YouTube videos about the different organizations of the EU. My teacher also noted that a secretary in an EU organization earns twice as much as she does, a regular teacher. A secretary 6000€ per months?!?!?!! Always after this history - social science afternoon I feel like it is very important to know the workings of society and to be a responsible citizen. I like it to understand this stuff. At 5:45pm I was home and just prepared and ate food. Now I am writing this and soon its time for the evening routine stuff. Only 3 of these long Thursdays left in my whole life. Almost just 3 normal weeks of school. Scary, strange, awesome, threatening... like always.

I have finished reading "The Happiness Hypothesis" by Jonathan Haidt and made myself a list of the most important practical concepts for myself. I will write some of those down on sheets of paper and put them onto my door. The Happiness Hypothesis - Summary Happiness comes from between It comes from getting the right relationships between yourself and others, yourself and your work, and yourself and something larger than you. -> love, work, self-transcendence The Rider and The Elephant Superego -> Ego <- Id conscience -> rider <- elephant lasting change can only come from training the elephant helping the elephant to make better choices strong rider is needed Passionate and Compassionate Love passionate love: wildly emotional state; like a drug compassionate love: affection we feel for those with whom our lives are deeply intertwined; grows slowly over the years myth of true love: true love seems to be passionate love that never fades -> biologically impossible Happiness Formula H=S+C+V H = Happiness S = biological setpoint C = external conditions -> constant over time, likely to adapt to; most important part love and work (pursuing the right goals) V = voluntary activities -> things you can choose to do; greater promise for increasing happiness Progress Principle "pre-goal attainment positive affect" -> pleasurable feelings you get as you make progress toward a goal "post-goal attainment positive affect" -> arises once oyu have achieved something you want; short-lived feeling of release -> we get more pleasure from making progress toward our goals than we do from achieving them Relationships strengthens the immune system, extends life, speeds recovery, reduces the risks of depression we need to interact and intertwine with others; we need to give(!) and to take; we need to belong you need constraints/obligations to have something worth living for Virtue areté = (functional) excellence, virtue, goodness eudaimonia = happiness; an activity of soul in conformity with excellence or virtue a good life is one where you develop your strengths, develop your potential, and become what it is in your nature to become Attachment attachment brings pain but also our greatest joy inconspicuous consumption = goods and activities valued for themselves; consumed more privately -> striving for the right attachments

I have found a good (scientific?) explanation from Jonathan Haidt at the end of his book "The Happiness Hypothesis."

A School Day - 4 Yesterday I realized that I will miss the school a lot. The time flies by so quickly. If I don't be careful it will be gone in a blink of an eye. I feel like I need to make sure to capture as much as possible in this little time left. My morning I spent stretching and studying a bit of maths. I revised old stuff and looked for some definitions I forgot. Then at 10am I went to school and had maths class. We just talked about questions of others and about the exam tomorrow. Afterwards I rode back home and got pretty wet from the rain. I meditated for an hour and did self-inquiry. Perception is so weird. I looked at summaries about the happiness hypothesis to get some inspiration for my summary. I ate a salad and a smoothie in my sisters room and then went to school. I was allowed to drive to school with the car on my own because it rained a lot. I was a little bit nervous because of the parking situation at our school. But I found directly a good parking lot. In chemistry to revised the rest about electrochemistry. The other students had to do tasks which I already had done at home. I got other tasks to do. Then we started revising the worst topic, acid-base-reactions. I remembered quite a lot and we started doing tasks about that too. They were pretty easy as soon as I understood what they wanted from me. In the break we also took group pictures for our "Abizeitung" (a paper with memories and pictures of all the photos). We all wore our T-Shirts where is written "talk N Er Dy to me" is written on. The "nerdy" is made out of elements from the periodic table of elements. Now I am back home, drink tea and continue to sum up The Happiness Hypothesis.

17/03/07, Tuesday Eating breakfast, lunch, dinner - Streak 0 Eating without additional stimulation - Streak 0 Programming my Subconscious Mind (15min) - Streak 17 Getting up directly - Streak 14 Mindfulness Meditation (15min) - Streak 14 Dorsiflexion exercises - Streak 0 No excuses, not letting homeostasis gradually kicking in! I need to be firm with my goal. I want to eat light, feel light, have a lot of energy, eat raw vegan, doing fasting periods, detoxification... to have a healthy, functional body, and longevity. I need to tackle this now. Really! I need to start visualizing this. This should be my focus at the moment. When this habit is handled, I will be able to focus more efficiently on other goals. Then my focus will not be between many different goals and I can work better on future goals. In 21 days I will be done with this eating habit. On the 29th of March I will be done! No cake, no snacks, no distraction! This is my only goal at the moment!

A School Day - 3 Today in one month, on the 7th of April, I have my last school day ever. 3.5 weeks of normal school, and one week of "Intensivwiederholung" (intensive revision). Kind of scary. Therefore I now want to capture some more regular school days. I woke up at 6am, did my normal morning routine stuff. I normally have in the first two periods no classes. I looked on the school homepage and saw that I also had physics class free. That meant that I had time until 11:30am. I went running, had breakfast, meditated for an hour, and then went to school. Then I had two hours of the additional maths course. I just practiced for the maths exam on Thursday. In the lunch break I stayed in school and continued studying. Also my history teacher came to me and explained to me a lot about the exam. It is kind of funny because he just speaks and speaks and speaks and I maybe say 5 words... In the afternoon I had computer science class. We talked about networks, I participated well and I found it a bit interesting. It was about peer-to-peer-networks. At some point one student asked something about the dark net. I found that particularly interesting (because of psychedelics ). After school I went in-line skating for 20 minutes. I recognized that I have to learn to slow down, while I drove down a descend that lead to a big street. It also began to rain a little bit, but not too much. Now in the evening I started watching a documentary about people who were acted against the NS-regime like Georg Elser.

The Chemistry Exam What was the exam like? Not as good as I expected. I sat there, got the exam, looked at it and thought "shit, it is not the carbon fiber exam." It began with electrochemistry and I firstly didn't understand even the first exercise. I was very unsure. I did something and that looked kind of right at the end. But I knew that there were mistakes. It was about electrolysis and that part I don't like about electrochemistry. There are other topics I like much more like the Faraday laws or solubility product. After 1.5 hours I was done with this first half of the exam. The synthetic material part was better. It was about chewing gums. I already saw the solutions and I have most of the stuff correct. This part took me longer because my concentration faded a bit. After the exam I was knocked out. I talked with the other students and they said that they also didn't like electrochemistry. We all had so many different solutions for this task. But now I know that I have the wrong one. And because of that I have also other parts of the exam wrong. It will definitively not be 15 points, nor 14. With luck maybe 13, but rather 12 or 11. At the lunch break I was pretty disappointed. My mind got into this loop of negative thinking. I started comparing myself to others. "I have studied much more than the others and will probably not get a much better grade than them. This is so unfair..." I also felt kind of shitty throughout the rest of the day... At the very low I just wanted to have these spiritually happy times again. Why can't just life be all the time easy, good, happy... Why did I even want to be so good in the exam? Why do I start thinking all this negative shit? Why do I suffer from this stuff? Ego, ego, ego. There is still this inferiority stuff inside my mind. I want to be superior, feel superior, get appreciation... I have neglected working on this stuff. All the time when I felt inferior I have pushed this aspect of myself, that I am not always so superior, into the shadow aspect of myself. I have to face these fucking inner demons. I have to do the shadow work... And through interactions with my parents today (they were annoyed from each other), I saw how all these people also have these deep emotional problems within themselves. If they would just work on this for some time, they will benefit their whole life. But I see myself also resisting this work. I am not much different from the ordinary person. i have to do the emotional labor. Otherwise life will be like hell. Suffering, suffering, suffering, created by the ego, ego, ego...

17/03/06, Monday Eating breakfast, lunch, dinner - Streak 0 Eating without additional stimulation - Streak 2 Programming my Subconscious Mind (15min) - Streak 16 Getting up directly - Streak 13 Mindfulness Meditation (15min) - Streak 13 I resist writing about this. I again made excuses. One was a very good excuse, one a very bad excuse. The good one was that I wrote an 4.25 hour exam and therefore needed to eat some fruit to keep my brain working throughout the exam. The bad one is that I came back home, my father said that we had cake left over, he just gave me some, and I just ate it. Then I even got another piece. And I really was conscious making the decision to make the excuse. I have some problems with this eating only 3 times a day habit, because of two more exams in the next two weeks and more birthday stuff. The exam stuff is okay because it is a good excuse. But this week my sister has her birthday and I will again feel obligated to eat this fucking cake in the afternoon, and the same happens on the weekend again because there more family members come for my and my sisters birthday. I could be able to get myself out of this situation on my sisters birthday because I have long school. But on the weekend... Either I will just pause this habit for the rest of the week, or I endure the emotional labor of saying now and being looked at weird by my family. Shit.

Exams Tomorrow I am writing my first pre final exam. The exams happen under final exams conditions, so we get familiar with the conditions for the actual exams. Teachers track when we go to the toilet, we are not allowed to leave the corridor... And the exams take 4.25 hours. I feel well prepared. I know almost everything and can apply my knowledge well and relatively quickly. I practiced a few old exams and they went okay. Today I even found an synthetic material exam about carbon fibres, a topic we discussed lately in class. Maybe my teacher will pick this exam. I practiced it and understood all of the solutions. It would just be great if she picked this one. Within the field of electrochemistry I have little gaps of knowledge just because every textbook explains it the same way and every explanation makes no sense or I don't understand it. Nor my teacher does, nor the other students. What the hell is the difference between "Polatisationsspannung" und "Diffusionsstrom?" I just memorized most of the explanations. I hope this is enough. Today I kind of analyzed my learning style. I learn and memorize well when I collect, filter and sort information from studying materials and then make my own notes out of it. I have to use the information actively. Best is creating diagrams, mind maps or pictures out of it. The disadvantage is just that it takes a lot of time. Speaking about the material and explaining it through language would also be okay. But I hate just processing the information passively. I learn almost nothing from just reading or hearing something. At some point I get bored and don't pay real attention to the material anymore. I love studying with the promodoro technique. I get very much done in relatively little time, without distracting myself. I tested out some apps and now found a good one. I start at 7 to 8 am and then do 4 sessions. At that time I am kind of exhausted and make myself some breakfast. Then I continue with another 2 to 4 sessions. This way I get easily 3 to 4 hours of effective studying. Tomorrow in the morning I want eat a smaller smoothie and take some fruits with me for the exam. I plan to go to the toilet maybe in the 4th period, so I shouldn't drink too much in the beginning. And in a few minutes I want to try something out with the subconscious mind. I want to program it for 30 minutes for total confidence and success in the exam. I want to get into the exam in a good mood, expecting having fun from the tasks. I will solve the problems easily. If I have a block I will continue with the problem later on and in the mean time my mind will figure out the solution out for me. It will work perfectly, I will feel great, be in flow, have enough time... And in a few weeks I will get my exam back and it will say "15 POINTS!!!" I know the structure of the exams, I know how to deal with the exams. I just have to remember to read the exam carefully and understand the tasks correctly. This were my main mistakes from practicing old exams. It will work out so great. Tomorrow at this time I will stand here again and write about how well the exam went!

17/03/05, Sunday Eating breakfast, lunch, dinner - Streak 0 Eating without additional stimulation - Streak 1 Programming my Subconscious Mind (15min) - Streak 15 Getting up directly - Streak 12 Mindfulness Meditation (15min) - Streak 12 I ate two pieces of vegan apple cake as a part of lunch, because I am not allowed to eat cake after lunch. How often do I need to experience this? After eating cake I just feel bad, very very bad. In the afternoon I then had absolutely no desire to eat. Maybe half an hour before dinner I ate a few grapes, but thats okay. Is that really okay? Isn't this homeostasis? Yes, I have to reset the streak. No excuses. Breakfast I ate with my parents after 4 promodoro chemistry study sessions. Lunch I ate (without watching Leo) in my sisters room where my little cousins were playing. And dinner I ate with the family. I did a 1h SDS session again. I haven't done SDS in a while, but now I want to get better at it, longer durations, enduring pain... For the first half I was pretty tired. Sometimes I just closed my eyes and then my body automatically lend forward. So I had to stay in this weird position for the rest of the hour. I could have gone longer. It was hard to do mindfulness while being sleepy. I still need to figure out the optimal time to meditate. I was awake directly and looked on my phone for 5 minutes. I felt very much resistance against doing the idea from yesterday. One thing at a time. I think I should turn the bright lights on while programming my subconscious mind in the morning. Sometimes I also get sleepy there, so bright lights could lower my melatonin level.

17/03/04, Saturday Eating breakfast, lunch, dinner - Streak 0 Eating without additional stimulation - Streak 0 Programming my Subconscious Mind (15min) - Streak 14 Getting up directly - Streak 11 Mindfulness Meditation (15min) - Streak 11 As I said above, I fool myself. I make little excuses here and there. For example I ate lunch on Sundays while watching Leo. That is kind of a ritual I really like, but IT IS AN EXCUSE! Or today I ate cake in the afternoon and many other unhealthy snacks (my birthday). Or on Thursday afternoon my teacher brought us apples and I ate one. These excuses are generally not bad, but they are excuses! At the moment I don't make tooo many excuses, but in the future the excuses would become more and more. Then homeostasis kicks in more and more and I am back at normal. Eating is my weakness and there I have to be especially cautious. It is kind of frustrating because I want to implement many other habits too. But first things first. First eating less. Otherwise it will never work out in the long term. But still I want to try something new out, regarding the getting up directly. I want to try out a function of my alarm that I have to take a picture of a certain object. Then I will have to go to the bathroom/shower, change my clothes, work out for 10 or 20 minutes, then take a cold shower... Just trying it out. Inspired by this German video:

I fool myself!!! I need to be radically honest to myself!!! HOMEOSTASIS IS KICKING IN!!!

I don't want to continue my daily private journal anymore. Therefore I will post more there, more thoughts, more ideas, more plans... Just private situations I will write down in my private journal. Birthday The 4th of March is a strange date. It looks cool to me. Always when I see "4th of March" I think on what a cool sounding day I have birthday. I am 18 now. An adult. Thinking about it is strange. I have a greater sense of freedom - more opportunities, I don't have to ask my parents for something, I can write my own sick notes for school, I can drive alone... I was allowed to pick up my grandmother alone with the car. After I dropped her up at her home and I drove back home, I could make the music in the radio as loud as I wanted to and sing to it. That was nice. And I like driving car at the moment. Its fun. I got new in-line skater blades and in the morning I was outside with my sister driving them. I like it and it opens a new possibility for movement. At some point I will get a futon, a Japanese kind of hard bed. My family doesn't like it when I sleep on the floor, but a hard bed would also be fine. My mother bought me vegan food stuff like raw cacao beans or coconut puree. My sister bought me a calender with quotes about dreams. It is funny to read those quotes because they say exactly that what my family doesn't want me to do... My father searched for old childhood pictures of me. Those he projected onto a wall while the family was there. I must say that I was a cute baby I laughed a lot - at least on these pictures - and it looked very nice. But when puberty began I laughed less and less and my smiles looked not so nice anymore. My little cousins are there. The smallest one is soo cute. My family has prepared way too much cake. I ate three pieces, one was vegan... But now I feel bad again, like every time. And I noticed that I am still very bad at expressing love. It feels so embarrassing in front of my parents/family or towards my parents/family. That is something I have to work on.

I don't know if such a topic already exists, but I'll post this anyway. Once in a while I reach a point in my spiritual practice where I don't want to continue anymore and just take a break. Then I want to do something normal which involves no emotional labor at all, like watching a documentary or a movie, eating chocolate, wasting my time... Stuff that I normally don't do. This often occurs when I am doing more meditation and self-inquiry than usual - when I meditate for about two hours or more. I reach a point at my self-inquiry where everything is just confusing. I just want to shut of and get out of the way of these questions. I want this certainty back that I know how the world works, that I exist, that everything is like it seems, that I know what I should do... I ask myself why I am doing all this shit and why I cannot be just a ordinary human being who doesn't has to deal with all this resistance. Today I sat there in self-inquiry and when I noticed this resistance against self-inquiry occurring, the monkey mind came up with all sorts of good excuses why I just should end this meditation session now. "I should take a break from this now, so that this feeling goes away. This is too painful. In a few days I will continue with this serious investigation..." Well, the monkey mind won today. Its like a tone of energy is released in my head. And now this energy is flowing around through my body and is driving me crazy, insane. Does it has something to do with charkas?? I already had these periods, in which the feeling got too painful and meditation too. Then I slowed down my practice for some days, until the feeling was away again. But it feels like this point where I reach this feeling is the point where the most growth can happen. When I just work through it, and just continue meditating... So, what should I do? Where does this feeling of resistance come from? Is there a term for that? Should I just try to continue my meditation sessions, no matter what, until a breakthrough happens? Have you experienced similar things, and what have you done?

Teachers I think I will miss some of my teachers. Although today was a long day of school, I enjoyed most of the classes because these teachers often just talk about interesting stuff, and they have a lot of life experience. I will miss my history teacher. I am grateful that I had him now for three years. He knows almost everything and tells so great stories. You don't just learn all the relevant stuff for your exams, also background stories and an understanding of how history works. Today for example he explained us why the people in the DDR (the former east Germany formed by the sowjet union) still felt like they were free although the economy was highly controlled by the state and the sowjet union. They were highly sexual. And also they liked it to be on "FKK-Stränden" (beaches where everyone was naked). They even had sex there! My teacher tells the stories brilliantly. He also prepares me and a "friend" very good for our exams (only we two write an exam out of our whole class). I also like my computer science teacher. I would consider him to be yellow. He makes me fascinated about certain topics within the field of computer science. I can also see that he is very nice, kind, loving, empathic... I like my current social science teacher (although she is just a replacement for my normal teacher). She can just talk and I am very interested in what she has to tell. You can see that she is also interested in the subject. She is engaged in project groups. She sells fair trade organic chocolate and sweets with students from lower years. And the money they earn she sends to projects in Africa. And today she just brought us apples. Just for fun And I got 14 points from her. Thats also nice. Aaand my chemistry teacher. She as a person is not very interesting or has particularly interesting stuff to tell us. But I like her character. She is pretty old-fashioned but that makes her kind of cute. Some of her reactions to swearwords which some of the students make is just totally funny. Almost only 5 weeks left... I feel like I need to savor these experiences and enjoy the last weeks with the teachers and other "friends." And in two days I will turn 18... Scary.

Understanding I feel like I have already studied too much. In chemistry class today we talked about the homework like all the time. I was one of the few who has made the complete homework. I was very bored, the class was very useless. I participated often and understood everything like perfectly. If I could decide I would like to write the real final exam already in a few days. I feel so prepared already. Maths is also no problem. Just a few days of studying would be more than enough to get an A. And for history 2 weeks would also be enough. But I like the studying in a way. Yesterday I practiced an old exam about synthetic materials and electrochemisty and it is just fun. My mind comes up with the answers or solution processes almost automatically and intuitively. I just know how to solve the tasks and don't have to think much about it. Thats the reason why I think "analyzing problems and finding solution processes" is my zone of genius. Yesterday evening I watched the documentary Leo posted about the inventor/discoverer/creator of MDMA (Ecstacy). He and this group of people who got interviewed there were chemists and by my now good knowledge about chemistry I was inspired too. It is so nice to understand a topic like chemistry deeply. I want to study chemistry in my free time in the future too, just because I love the understanding of it. It would be also useful for my research on psychedelics. Their view on psychedelics was also so cool. There are just these receptors in the brain. They have to be there for some reason. And they study which chemicals activate these receptors and what the receptors do with our consciousness. It depends on which substituents are on the molecules. And their view on the American war on drugs is also interesting. Psychedelics will definitively be a subject for me to research in the future. Not just theoretically, also practically I also like understanding history deeply although I am not interested in it intrinsically. I like to understand how society evolved over time and what to learn from it. I could be fascinated by any topic if I just study it deeply enough. Physics, Biology, Sociology, Economics, Mysticism... But I will chose the subject that will be most relevant at the time. This shows my character strength: curiosity and interest in the world! Throughout the day I just think of so many stuff that I could write here about and hear my inner voice already formulating the text... Then when I stand here and want to write I forgot most of the stuff... Ah I got something! Intuition In chemistry class I thought (while I was bored) about that I want to send all my "friends" in school after leaving school a text message with some personal development videos. I want to at least just give them a hint for the topic. And there is this one "fiend" who has funnily the same first name as I, which has so low self-esteem. She is quite extroverted, but she has so many limiting beliefs. I want to send her soon her a video about limiting beliefs. Just because the intuition tells me this, to get out of my comfort zone, and I am curious to see her reaction. Insight Some little insights. They were not very deep, but at least little insights. Maybe they were insights and then converted into conceptual knowledge, but better than nothing. I am my perceptions - I just want to touch those perceptions and sights like a material picture to see what they are made of. There are just these freaking perception. But what are they??? I am so alone. There is no one else there. Just perceptions. Every perception just gets converted into a concept. For themselves the perceptions have no meaning. I don't even know what they are made of.

Moderate exercise outside or just a few minutes of fresh air (and some deep breaths) will give you energy too. Make yourself an alarm which is really annoying. Put the alarm further away, so that you have to get out of bed to turn it off. Then just stay up, do not lay down again for "just a minute more."

Connection One of my values is connection. And I felt how much happiness and fulfillment one can get from that. In the last days or in the last week I spent more time with my sister. I tried to understand my father. I went with my family on a hike. I tried to feel their presence. Today I met my best friend, we talked a lot, and I feel that we can be pretty authentic around each other. Not perfectly authentic, but a lot. This made me happy too. When we were walking around in the forest for about 2 hours I felt this deep sense of groundedness, like after a root chakra meditation, just more fulfilled. Also nature brings connection. Nature brings connection towards nature, towards other beings and towards oneself. I feel this love some times. It feels nice, very nice. I've read in The Happiness Hypothesis about how important social relationships are to your happiness, fulfillment, health, immune system...... In the past (10-15 maybe) I was so "depressed" by this idea that one needs relationships so much. I was shy and didn't wanted this to be true, that I would have to get out of this comfort zone. But now this has changed a bit. It is a huge possibility. I can approach to people if I want to with not too much resistance. I can learn so much from other people, from my reactions to other people. I can get out of my comfort zone. I can get new ideas and inspirations from them. They can open me to new opportunities... People are beautiful. Not just people, all beings. Hello all beings! You are beautiful. I love you.

The Book of Not Knowing by Peter Ralston

17/02/28, Tuesday Eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner, without additional stimulation - Streak 12 Programming my Subconscious Mind (15min) - Streak 10 Getting up directly - Streak 7 Mindfulness Meditation (15min) - Streak 7 Getting up directly gets easy through just not laying down again and just sitting in bed until I get out of bed. The eating stuff gets easy too. I often feel full and don't want to eat. Normally I still eat because of habit. It would be strange to just skip dinner. But the often I eat less. It is doing towards the right direction. Eating without additional stimulation is also easy. I just sit in the living room, on my couch or in my sisters room. I try to practice a bit of gratitude for the beautiful food and try to eat slow and mindful. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't work so well. But I definitively eat less because of that. I want to increase my mindfulness a lot. I already am able to act a bit slower and more mindful throughout the day. Just while studying its hard. I want to do a lot more mindfulness meditation. I want to make out of March the "Mindfulness March" . I mainly want to do mindfulness meditation. It seems like I did the contemplation stuff just to distract myself from the main problem, the annoying monkey mind and that I just am so bad at mindfulness meditation. I created a new vision board which I will also use to program my subconscious mind. Maybe I will also create a video where I put in all the other great pictures which didn't fit onto the vision board. Life is great. Constantly improving a little bit. The future will be amazing.

I stayed up late and did this.