Never_give_up

@SugarcoatI understand what you are saying and indeed it could be random and not deterministic but then how could there be any mechanism that makes an experience random? Determinism make sense, something was meant to happen this way. But randomness can't have any mechanism, cause why would an experience or whatever qualia be chosen instead of any other? It's like, the more we try to answer these questions then more questions appear and even worse, they have no answers. Everytime I try to answer these questions confusion is the only state I get, it makes me want to quit inquiry

@Sugarcoatthat's so true but then the question becomes , how a mechanism is even possible like that? take programming algorithms for example. They literally wouldn't be able to function if the human programer weren't biased towards a choice. Even when programming seems like it shows a random choice, it actually doesn't, it just picked the specific number from the clock and make it appear as it was random. So yes, you are absolitely right, if everything appeared at once, well how could infinite things appear at once? they couldn't. But that doesn't solve the mystery of how could then God has a choice to pick anything instead of any other thing. It's a total mystery, a totaly can't happen thing that actually happens. I am so confused

I can't find psychedelics, and I have real problems with doing something I don't like , like meditation(it's literally impossible for me to do something that isn't interesting to my brain). I can do contemplation but lately it doesn't lead me anywhere, it just wears me down. Should I quit and no longer suffer from my desire to understand things better or there are other ways?

edit: imagine you were God, and you had to pick between blue, pink , and green. Why would you choose any of these instead of any other? God has no prefrences, and if it has, then what would be the mechanism to choose one instead of another? if you think about it there is no single mechanism that can choose one if they are all the same.

This question has confused me a lot lately. Please don't ignore this question, it may seem it hasn't any validity but I from my POV it's very clear they have and maybe you feel the same. So for example, why I see pink right now and not any other colour (qualia)? Why I live this moment out of infinite others I could live? there must be a hierarchy of moments that will appear, why this one and not any other ? (what's the ''algorithm'' of the appearance of moments and why they are like that?) If every colour is the same (although different in a way) , why would God choose this one instead of a different one? what make this colour so special? There are finite number of colours, why they construct themselves in a certain way, being ''chosen'' when any other colour could be there? To make matters even worse, what if there are infinite amount of qualia of colours that could potentially exist, what would be the mechanism that would choose a specific colour instead of any other different colour? To make things even worse, why there is an assymetry in what I see on the right side and the left side of my visual perception? Why I couldn't see things in the right side that are in the left and vice versa (assymetrical or symetrical doesn't matter)? How could consciousness pick one and favour it when it could achieve the ''same'' experience from the opposite side? Could it be that determinism is an illusion and God is picking something while it could have picked something different? I hate free will , I dread it, but it seems to me that there is no other way for this to happen other than God having free will (randomness). It's like consciousness picks qualia instead of others with the same qualities for no reason. Another thing that has no reason behind it, it's an illogical thing, a paradox. Paradoxes are everywhere. What do you think about all these? Have you ever thought of these things before? Do you have other things that seem to have no reason yourself? Most importantly, how can this be the case with qualia being picked instead of infinite others when they have nothing special more than any other colour? Of course I am talking about colours, but going meta the bigger picture is not about colours, it's about everything, every qualia, every experience.

@Someone herebut if the biggest questions don't have an answer this is so cruel. I really want to know the answers since I was a kid and realising little by little that I will never know it's just super depressing.

or you are satisfied with what you know? Do you know it ''all''? What's left for you to find? Is there any question that occupies your mind? Do you think you will find the answers to your deepest metaphysical questions or you gave up trying to find an answer? If you have questions that you can't find answers metaphysicaly, what would be those questions?

They say in general women are more neurotic(anxiety and depression) than men. I don't know if this helps, but it's the only thing that comes to my mind that men have it better (and it's a big one in my opinion but still I don't know what's better , to be a man or a woman? I think a woman but I hope I am wrong) Personally I have a big life purpose for myself so I distract myself from the suffering of being not only a male but an unattractive male but sadly I've realized that 99% of people don't have a life purpose or the priviledge to be able to chase that purpose if they have one. There are some men that have it better than women and some women that have it worse than men, but I kind agree, maybe it's better if war happens and I get deleted there in heroic deeds or something, or live till 25 like you said and had a full life, but I think it's even worse than you describe it. Not all people were loved or reproduced 10 thousand years ago, maybe I am wrong, but what I have heard is that at 8 thousand years ago only 1 out of 17 males reproduced cause he had all the resources and all the other people were basically slaves. Maybe it's my depression talking I don't know. Another thing I hate for being a man is how we are manipulated to doing everything someone wants us to. You don't fight someone they want you to? you are a coward that will be punished. You have self perservation instincts and selfish desires? you are not a real man and you will be punished by others for that. You don't chase power? you are a loser and you will be bullied. Also I have heard that women have a lot of anxiety when they look after their children. Maybe we have it better? By the way, don't forget the good things men have. We are more passionate about reality and how it works or how things work, we have a body that when exercised is so beautiful to look at, we love logic and learning about the world, we are better at physical activities, I would say in general we have more depth. Don't forget these beautiful things that women don't get to enjoy. On the other hand we get deleted at wars, got no help from others that much, don't get attention, get humiliated, never prioritised and women are more creative (i think), get help, prioritised, have better vocabulary hard wired in them, more mirror neurons i have heard. I don't know man. Maybe you are right, maybe women have it better, but maybe we have it better if you look my last paragraph on the things we men have in general , that women don't have in general.

I try to understand paradoxes and reality so much that my mind starts to hurt. I have gone to a point that I start to feeling sad , I feel like I am diving in darkness metaphorically speaking. It has become an unhealthy obssesion. I can't stop it, I was born a deeply curious person. Whenever I tried to stop for some years I always felt something missing and went back to philosophy to understand it. When I don't try to understand reality I feel something is missing, whenever I try to understand reality I see only paradoxes and I am getting angry and sad. I hate paradox, why does it even exist? Meditation in order not to think of any question doesn't help me, it just makes the thoughts go away for some time and then I just feel bad that I don't understand reality. I plan to do psychedelics in the future but I can't do them all the time, only when I will travel abroad which I will do in 1 or 2 years but the problem is that even people that do psychedelics say things like ''reality is a paradox'' or ''this or that thing is a paradox''. How can paradox exist I don't get it? I am really angry at paradoxes. How can some things have no answers? How can reality defy logic? I want to understand why some things are illogical, paradoxical, how reality exists. But when I try to contemplate my mind gets hurt, my psychology goes down. When I try to search it online (cause I have never found anyone that cares in real life), I find nothing. I am like a rat in a wheel. I try to find something that seems like it doesn't exist and then I try to find why something that exists has no reason to exist. I can't be the only one that feels like that. I am so dissapointed. If I stop searching I feel bad, If I search I feel bad. It makes me crazy I hate it. My purpose in life is to understand reality. This is not a game to me, this is what I live for. It's a game only in the sense that it's extremely exciting (it was at least till paradoxes and dead ends had to appear). I don't care that society doesn't care about reality. I personally, individualy do with all my heart. If I don't understand reality I feel like nothing else matters that much. Have you ever felt like that? How can I feel better cause I need to relax a little? Have you ever solve paradoxes?

Can someone be great at mathematics for example but very bad at visualization or can't manage to create a simple joke? How can I be great at some things that require intelligence and extremely bad at other things that require intelligence? Is this how it supposed to work? Am I low IQ or not? How to make sense of it? (I don't want to give examples cause it will make it too long to read.) Do you have examples from your own life that you seem not to be that intelligent but other examples that you seem to be extremely intelligent? if yes , how do you make sense of it?

I had thoughts of determinism since I was 13, but a decade later I decided to search it on youtube. I found Leo talking about it and understood that I am not crazy and I am not the only person that is deeply curious about reality (cause most people don't care at all about reality). That made me watch other videos of his. I definitely didn't know that my life will change forever after that, mostly in very good ways.

Reality seems like a paradox, so how can you be so sure that you are not wrong about determinism? Personally I think determinism is true and I like it that way, free will (randomness) seems very scary to me, but sometimes I wonder, if reality seems so paradoxical and illogical , how can I be so sure that determinism follows logic then? maybe reality is so illogical that it is random and not deterministic. I am so confused. (This question is mostly for Leo, but if anyone else wants to answer, you are more than welcome to answer)

I thought I understood all of reality thousand times before, and although I was wrong every single time, I felt a sense of accomplishment, zero confusion, and I felt everything made sense, and for 10 seconds I felt awesome but after that it became mundane. Even if I understood reality correctly , I think the result would be the same feelings. So I wonder , is it worth to try to understand reality, probably for 40+ years, just to have a tiny chance to understand it, only to feel great for 10 seconds? or if you understand reality correctly the benefits are more? Does anything extraordinary happen after you understand all reality? Do you feel awesome every time you remember how everything happens? I just remembered Leo has a video ''how awakening feels like'' which I am going to see right now, but in case it doesn't answer my question, I wanted to make this question here.

like in art for example, should someone that can't draw from imagination practice for years, or it's futile and he will never do it? or like Jordan Peterson says, only 2% of people are creative and the rest should not even try?

They made me feel amazing, but I can't find anything close to it ever since.