LookingForTruth

Please don't be mad at me Leo I have been addicted to this making content lol For anyone wondering it's a woman drinking a love potion and looking directly into your eyes while she's doing it

I'm 40 years old with no friends no online friends nothing thank God I have family I guess my ego was protecting itself from harm and I'm ready to try again I think but The thing is I've been isolated for so long maybe 10 years from talking to people outside my family and therapist I'm still looking for a twitch community to be part of but to be honest most of the twitch communities I have seen I just don't like very much so I don't really have much interest currently besides learning stuff from actualize.org meditating and watching dumb stuff to turn off my brain from time to time although the stupid stuff just really isn't doing much for me I'm thinking about joining a discord community and perhaps joining the voice chat and actually trying to talk to people I attempted to talk on ome.tv but I warn everyone not to go there this is some of the most low brow beings you will come into contact with I'm talking people who will point a gun at you and threaten you because they don't like the way you look or whatever the reason was I don't think talking existentially in twitch chats works though i don't think i know how to be normal anymore it's either that or I'm refusing to conform anyways any advice would be appreciated thanks p.s. I'm scared to death to talk to people on discord lol oh yeah i do like to rap and post youtube videos about my raps I'm also homebound for the most part I have no car maybe joining one of those online support groups would be a good idea

So I was meditating and I was questioning what I knew then I was like how does my internal system know anything because it could be incorrect I didn't know if insecurity was insecurity I didn't know if young people were young people and so on keep in mind I am a man in his 40s I have been addicted too stupid low brow entertainment and I have dabbled with actualize.org in the past when I was younger here and there it's only recently I've been taking it more serious and I kid you not this stuff is not a game especially if you have a history with doing activities that are centered around pleasure I don't know but I think the reptilian part of my brain is pulsing in my head or something I decided to take a break for a little while today and watch dumb stuff I tried listening to music but I couldn't even enjoy it and this robotic bird in my head claim to be God and had a level of control with its thoughts like it wasn't triggered to say things like if you told it pink elephant it wouldn't say it anyways I just wanted to express myself here while I'm waiting for my next meditation session

@Human Mint Okay I understand have a lovely day sir

@Yimpa Okay it would be cool to see you there hey thanks I'm glad you like my flow

@Yimpa hey thanks I followed insomaniac rap on twitch I'll definitely join if I can make it That's my YouTube channel

@Raze Hey thanks appreciate it

You know what the irony of this post is just shortly after I had a meditation session where I was aware that I could make my own Bliss and happiness through meditation and I didn't necessarily need anyone else to create my bliss and happiness and to the gentleman who said I would not like to be your son there's no need to diss anyone because you don't understand them or whatever is going on with you to say that

I don't have a car to get around so online stuff just seems easier yeah I realize there are a lot of weird people out there just trying to find my tribe and I am highly insecure socially I just hide it as much as possible when talking to real life people I think probably to a dysfunctional point i have however been improving socially with family due to Leo's videos like I held a 1 hour conversation with my uncle so I think it's a step in the right direction we used to have maybe 20 minute conversations before I'll start I think with an online community then I'll step my game up to a support group in person I would have to ask a family member to take me but they got their own things going on so they can't probably always take me I just have to remind myself things are improving at least

OK here we go the Taco on the wall with a jet pack on its back with eyes flew through the roof made of cotton candy and with its eyes lookED at the world made of rubber and said where am I it didn't know so instead of black space it was instead white space so it went into white space and said Oh my God it's bright so it closed its eyes and found itself by closing its eyes OK I wanted to write something maybe something no one has ever written before I watch leo's episode on self deception 2 I couldn't resist my thought lol yes I know there is an error I left it intentionally still original maybe even if it doesn't make complete sense

Like Leo says just pixels on the screen lol totally ruin it for me but maybe it won't after all I'm a jerk so I got to be good at the jerk part of my low brow humor education

LMAO yeah I am addicted to Leo recently watching nmp lol Romance and other stuff just doesn't compare reminds me of that song going against the grain is easier

Really appreciate the kind words Whitney couldn't have come at a better time after hearing Leo talk about self-deception a little bit lol it's softened the blows

Thank you integral for your very wise words it's good to know I'm not losing my mind and I am rewiring it and that I am not breaking I am becoming I don't think I have a problem with nihilism because even what is the point it's only a thought and a thought only has as much power as you give it but I will keep it in mind that it could become a problem I am currently watching Leo's video on self-deception actually I currently plan to watch a video every day not sure if that will happen but this is the third day I'll try to think of ego backlash too I'm actually trying hard for once okay I'm going to go back to watching the video

Hey thanks for all the replies I think you're right someone here I probably did hang on to some knowing I did feel liberated for a little bit but then my mind went wild and James that made me laugh out loud like a madman the crocodile I think I'd rather not play with it it seems dangerous Maybe I want to get to a point where I don't know anything but thanks for the suggestion

I was meditating and there was a certain horror knowing that I don't know what anything is and I don't even know if horror is horror but that's the best way I can explain it just thought I'd share my thoughts while I am waiting for my next meditation session

I'm asking because I'm pretty pathetic at least the illusion of the human that I am sure feels like it so to me the urge to want to be something so pathetic is a pathetic desire I won't go into detail just know I've lived a pretty pathetic life

@gettoefl So the universe is correcting itself is what you're saying I think since I am God supposedly well if that's what you're saying I hope it's true I'm honestly tired of this Avatar's bull crap

@gettoefl but who is misinterpreting the situation if it's the universe does that imply that God is in some sense dumb but yeah things have been going good lately I need to study more and not believe everything My Mind Is Telling Me I guess it's time to get back to work going to study Leo's content and meditate I think Leo has an episode on intelligence or something going to watch that one thank you for your comment it really did help me out

@gettoefl What do you mean everything has been corrected yeah some days my mind gets to me too

@gettoefl Who else but God chose to have fun if all is one but it's not over yet I hope to awaken with meditation and yeah I did choose fun for most of my life but the past 3 months I've been meditating quite consistently I'm just wondering if this Avatar is a dumb part of God because it gets to me sometimes

@Malelekakis Okay but if the universe is exploring itself in some capacity God is stupid and I just feel like I'm the part of God that is dumb

Is it possible to find yourself in meditation I hope it is'cause that's my only hope right now for a happy life I don't feel like watching YouTube videos playing video games or even making raps all I want to do is just sit in silence and meditate some videos Leo says you can in some he says you can't

Thank you for all the responses I'll continue with my do nothing meditation technique

Hey cool it's 1111 right now I've been seeing that a lot lately although I don't attribute it to any meaning but it might have meaning and what is meaning does anyone have moments where they have no idea what anything that goes through their head is I have moments like this for instance I ask what belief means then I realize I have no idea what belief is because I only have my thought and a feeling to tell me what that is and I don't know if it's correct because I have nothing to compare it to sometimes I realize that everything is imagination in my mind and I cease to believe anything at all in my head only for like 5 minutes or so then I go back to sleep by watching YouTube videos and getting lost I really like ASMR Glow wish I could be with her she's such a unique woman I have this silly fantasy where if I find out who I am then maybe I can be with her but if I am infinite then eventually I will be with her I'm distracting myself from back pain if you're wondering why I can't meditate right now I sure did put myself in quite the hellscape if I am the truth God universe whatever sometimes I resent myself for it because I have this belief system that I have adopted that all is 1 I am like a child in my head whining and complaining quite often really my voice speaks hope but my mind is poison for me I am aware that direct experience is king right now in this moment is the only one that exists perhaps I don't know if people believe what they say on these forums but some wild stuff has been said for me I find comfort in the belief of nothing although it's hard to retain it's so beautiful Being free of thoughts it's very hard creating strings of logic in my mind now probably because I've been doing do nothing meditation for quite a while I think it's a blessing in a way because ignorance is bliss kind of like that guy from the matrix who ate the steak well my intuition is saying that's enough so onto something else bye me