Candle

Note 25. Everyone wants to live with dignity, self esteem, respect and freedom. No one wants to live like a loser or under someone else's control or domination. It diminishes my self esteem and dignity. It's so embarassing to type it out. It's such a shame. Still I'm writing this.

was being violated. (grammar correction).

I didn't say that. I just answered what you questioned. Probably your question was in a different sense. (I mean, you asked only about friends or loved ones.)

Note 24. Either I'll live with freedom and mental peace. Or I'll kill myself. I have 12 months to decide. 💛

People in my family care about my survival only bcz of their own survival needs. And literally no one in the world cares about my survival. No one. People throw insensitive comments or start debating or criticising or spewing hate very easily. People are very selfish. And I don't want to see anybody. Any stranger who's crying helplessly and no one's there for them. If sth is happening with them that triggers me. Already written about it in my journal :

Note 23. I remembered few violence scenes I had witnessed in my home in past. And became desperate to do something. It was horrible. I hate my mom for tolerating all the brutalities and making my life hell. I had suicidal thoughts today. I don't know what's holding me back from returning to the state that existed before my birth. Death is peaceful. But I wanna live.

Note 22. Remembrance : I miss some classroom scenes (from my school days), when some lectures were very calm or soothing, reality seemed very beautiful to me and being immersed in those scenes was hypnotic. Nostalgia is painful.

Note 21. I welcome constructive criticisms or feedbacks from everyone. Cz I doubt myself and need external validation sometimes. 💛 Also : I'm gonna journal about how I'm grappling with ADHD and mental health issues. 💛 Sometimes I think who cares about these random notes.

Note 20. I have ADHD. I used to be a good student at some point....But today I feel like I have mentally retarded or stunted or become very neurotic..... year by year, it has gotten worse. It’s okay, though. I understand why everything happened, so I don’t have any guilt. Things had unfolded in such a way that it happened. But I know there’s something great ahead, and I can’t connect the dots looking forward; I can only connect them looking backward. I will understand the point of all this later on. But for that to happen, I will have to work too. It’s been a lot of time since I have studied anything properly. For ADHD : Make to-do lists relentlessly. Just do it. Push yourself through the friction. Figure out what works for you along the way...

Note 19. What to do exactly? Set t=0. Prepare for xyz exam. To study not only for score but also for knowledge. It's my own ambition and I am incomplete without it. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself ever, if I couldn't complete it. After exams ➡️ Get into a college. And make money along with studying. Again, study for your own knowledge and ambition. Routine, personal development, hobbies, etc....do these things too. Save enough money and leave as soon as possible. Leave...college, home, everything.. It's quite daunting and overwhelming, but you're capable. You can continue your education** later on. I know it's quite ugly and a messed up situation.... But eventually... everything will be sorted out. **I want knowledge in a subject and its degree for my own satisfaction. ...... After some 5-6 months, I have to go to college. Until then, I can't do anything to make money (situations are not favourable). Cz I can only sit confined at home and study for the next 5-6 months. Also, I need to save enough money before leaving my family. It'll take time. So I'll go to college, away from my family, and do something to make money. Without telling anyone about it.

Current mood. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0eUgjybPwlo&t=25 https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LAyZUZkiAI0

Note 18.

Consume a hell lot of knowledge. RELENTLESSLY !!

Note 17. Whenever you react you do a lot of bs. Only to regret later. But it's okay, you're gradually improving as you get more and more experiences.

An experience : I always used to watch porn for few minutes (just to arouse myself) before masturbation. I was not a porn addict. Still I started a challenge to test myself. And after so many days without porn, I feel like it's somewhat detrimental or ugly or bad. I don't know which word to use. I have developed a disliking. (Even though I was not an addict). While watching porn, it feels good biologically, but when we are far away from this shit, we don't feel like going there. I don't even feel like going there. Your POVs might differ. I'm just writing what I feel right now.

Look, change won't happen overnight. I might have to deal with a lot of failures in the beginning. But I know what I have to do. Keeping all the small and big commitments. (I mean...once I write sth or say sth that I'll do, it's gonna happen no matter what.) Setting clear priorities. Unwavering commitment to purpose. Education. Personal Dev. Routine. Hobbies. Books. Knowledge. Etc. Business or making money. Along with studies and other things. Escaping the toxic family. With meticulous planning. No room for silly mistakes. Designing a great life.

How? What you're gonna do?

What are their habits? Whining about motivation, distractions, discipline, and shit. Making commitments and breaking them. Distracting from the main problems. And indulging in philosophy, politics, mental mstrbtn, debates, comedy, etc. Dreaming and not doing anything about it. Half-assing.

Commitment 3. A big decision : Not to be limited. Not to be average. Not to whine, regret or struggle like normal everyday people. To change everything about myself. To be sharp. To be meticulous. To take back full control of my life in my own hands. To harness the extreme intelligence inside this brain (you know what it is, still you forget it !!)

Thanks. I wish you the best.

@Sugarcoat yea... love you ❤️ I am also feeling so bad 24x7. I have a heavy head. I don't have words. I don't have words. No dopamine. Nothing. But I know I still have to get up and take some big decisions and write them in my journal. I just wanna tell you, if you have any loved one, hug them. Try to get some strength, get some support from them. I'm all alone, so I'll fight my battles alone. And I'm fine with it. We have nothing to lose. So let's face the pain. Let's see how hard it can go.

It's inevitable.

Do not kill yourself. Somehow get through it. Somehow !! It's a matter of some 6-12 months. Then everything will be okay. You'll appreciate this life a lot, later on.

Ya I know... but sometimes long notes are needed !!!! 😄

Are these short notes that you've written? They are so long !!! No one's gonna read them !!!