Candle

Note 44. Leaving my toxic family and building a great life is non-negotiable for me. 🖤 Being in a toxic family is shameful. 🖤 Being average is killing me every moment. It's causing me low self esteem, insecurity and shame. Why? Bcz if I am average, I'm a nobody. Who admires me? What great things do I have to give to the world? What great experiences I'm having? This is haunting me. That I am not on my full potential.

@youngonce love you bro. Don't be trapped in too much self guilt. We have to change ourselves with full commitment. Wishing you the best !!! Take help from other members as and when needed. A lot of things can be changed by simple and small adjustments in our daily life choices. Let's see what happens. I'm following your journal. 😊

So you are healthy. I'm not. I saw a woman writing about tummy pain after masturbation. Everyone has different biology. Like some get periods pain, others don't. Anyways in future, I'll see a doctor for full body checkup, not only for this small issue. @AION could you change your profile pic bcz it's annoying for me to see. It's colour is bad.

This pain is so common I guess. I have read this many times online. Maybe that's a sign of weakness. But it's rare and only happens when we do it in excess. (for many days consecutively). Chatgpt told me : True or untrue depends on person to person. If you are physically weak, won't ejaculating frequently will decrease your good chemicals and make you lethargic? If you are strong and healthy and replenish the nutrients, only then it's okay to ejaculate frequently. It's simple logic. Body has to do more effort to manufacture nutrients and chemicals, the more you lose it. (And it also has to manufacture many other enzymes like digestive enzymes) Biological urges, survival mechanism is a different matter. Do it when urges arise. If you have high sex drive , do it frequently. Many times we do it even when we don't have urges. That's not necessary. ...... If you have to live a normal life, you can masturbate daily. But if you want a high energy/vigour life or you have to compete in MMA or wrestling, let's say, can you do it 3x a week? No !! You will not have as much stamina as other competitors who sacrifice more. (Of course stamina depends on other factors too, but masturbation is also one of the factors). Isn't there a difference between ejaculating 1x and ejaculating 3x a week? There's a difference !! It's nuanced. It depends on how healthy you are, how frequently you do it, and how much you replenish the lost nutrients. I will take a challenge to decrease its frequency later . (It's easy). And then I'll share my experiences on the forum.

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That'd be cool. 😄 (if such thing happens between similar age siblings) But if it happens between a parent and child (gross !!), it would blur the line between "friendship/relationship" and "authority/parenthood". It might be confusing for both of them. No

Rel are important or not? Depends. ✓ It's important for most people. Especially for those who need emotional support from someone; those who wanna understand the "relationships" aspect of reality; those who want self growth from it (unity is strength). ✓ It's okay to be single if this is the scenario : You have too many projects and don't have time. You are committed to a big purpose. You already have so many commitments that you don't want extra ones. You are very strong in yourself. You don't need any emotional support. ✓ It's better to be single than to be in a relationship that's draining you or has a negative impact on your life. ✓ It's worth going into a positive, meaningful relationship. It's a must, in fact, if you want good things for your life. ✓ Things are not inherently meaningful, it's our choice and biases that we give meanings to things. We can make anything meaningful or meaningless. ✓ On happiness : don't chase happiness beyond a certain limit, some depression/sadness is needed to feel happiness. Happiness is temporary. Happiness doesn't matter. Fulfilment/purpose matters. Happiness is a petty and shallow goal of a relationship. Go for something deeper and more meaningful.

Note 43. Things that are bothering me : Loneliness. I feel embarrassed bcz of some xyz mistake. Mother nagging me and monitoring me from time to time. Panick due to some xyz challenge. Loneliness. It both kills me and is beautiful in some sense. I feel upset that I'm not connected with people. I am lonely, especially when I have almost left the main discussion forums. I have been lonely most of my life. And this has made me both depressed and aggressive to work for my goals. It bothers me a lot that I am a nobody. I wanna escape this dungeon and get connected with 10,000+ good people from all around the world. I wanna be such an exceptional personality that I won't have to run after people or friends in the world. People will come to me automatically. This is one of my deepest desires : I don't want to chase relationships. Rather, I want someone to fall in deep love with me. So I have to work today in silence. And face the loneliness, no matter how hard it is. Great things are built in loneliness and silence. (That's the beautiful part about loneliness). Just that keep in mind not to lose your potential or time !! Another point : ya it feels good having friendly talks with people, but I can't be needy for it. It's totally against my self esteem and dignity. So I'm not whining or being needy here. I'm just expressing what I'm feeling right now. ..... Insight 1 : If I'm busy working 24x7, I won't feel lonely at all. Insight 2 : I'm not alone feeling this way.

Note 42. Kindness. If someone is innocent, pure-hearted and suffering in life, have kindness and empathy for them. If someone deserves love, give it to them. Boost their self-esteem by talking politely to them and appreciating them for their good qualities. (So that they would feel that they are deserving, and not dumb). For example, if I had a child or a younger sibling, I would understand them, forgive them for their unintentional mistakes and failures, help them with their needs, and take good care of them. Parents don't understand this, that's why I dislike (or hate) most of the parents. They lack beauty. I remember my school days : at home, people used to degrade my self esteem; and in school, some teachers used to boost my self-esteem by respecting me and appreciating me for my qualities. I remember their names too : Sh....i ma'am, A..t sir, Sh..m sir , etc. (names hidden for privacy reasons).

Note 41. An insight : Why are we not able to change ourselves sometimes? Cz we are someone but we wanna be someone else. To bring a change, something very profound is needed. An identity level change is needed. (watch videos on it if you don't know about it, if you ask me, I'll share with you some good videos). Some aggression is needed to overcome the inertia. There's a lot of inertia (or ego backlash) the body-mind produces each time we try to change something. Half-assing, self-pitying, whining, etc. won't change anything. these are just distractions.

Every man doesn't has this thing. I don't get triggered when looking at a girl. (She might seem attractive to me, but not triggering). Sometimes I try not to look her on a sexual level at all (even if it's 1%). But on a mental level. I can leave porn without any issues at all. Cz I have sex-like masturbation (and it's already very pleasurable). So I won't have wet dreams. When I first had wet dreams in my life (onset of puberty), I was worried (such an idiot I was !). I didn't know how to orgasm then. Yes, I agree, if you masturbate-orgasm less, you will have more vitality and good feelings. It's simple logic. Body has to manufacture good chemicals and nutrients. The more you lose it, the more effort it has to do. But also keep in mind that it's completely natural. (It's not like alcohol or smoking which actually harm your organs). And natural things can also be harmful if done in excess. It's okay to masturbate frequently if you have HIGH sex drive, but you also replenish the nutrients as much as needed. (by right food, exercise, etc.) I will take a challenge to decrease my orgasm frequency later. Right now, it's not that urgent.

Note 40. Making things clear. [current goals] ✓ hardness** ✓ studying habit ; defeating adhd. ✓ to do a job or a business. ✓ to leave my toxic family. ...... **hardness : I have realized I have become very dull, mediocre and sluggish, just bcz my mental resources haven't been used for a long time. When we do hard things, we become very sharp and proactive. So what I have to do : Studying PCM (obviously), managing my time well, reading books, learning spanish, watching my "watch later" videos on youtube, creating many habits, integrating many principles and rules into my life, etc. ...... Bottom line : bring some real change in life, instead of just thinking or planning.

But sometimes (often times) I am unable to do so. I do take it personally. (unconsciousness).

Jan 9 ✓ Jan 10 ✓ Jan 11 ✓ Jan 12 ✓ Jan 13 ✓ Jan 14 ✓ It's so easy. I haven't watched porn (or explicit images) at all in the last 17 days. I'm sure I can go without it for 365 days, if I wanted to. I wasn't addicted to it ever. I am just testing myself.

If it's truly consensual, and between two adults, there's no such problem in it...... Except one : It might result in confusion, guilt, or identity struggles for both parties due to the taboo nature of the relationship. Let's say brother sister or father daughter. If it's that important, go make a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Why take the risk of guilt or regret? Anyways it's your life your choice, who we are to judge? But also be ready for consequences whether good or bad.

Note 39. A great experience today. (insight). I have had this insight many times in the past, but I forgot it. I had this today again. My so-called father was shouting and spewing anger/hate at me. I suddenly disconnected my mind from the talks and focused on the fact that all of that was just a manifestation of his conditioning, and it wasn't meant for me. I need not take that personally. He was just expressing what was inside his mind. It was just his habit and it had nothing to do with me. No one can affect me with their words unless I allow them to do so. I was conscious and I don't have words to describe precisely what I felt. This is called wisdom. Suffering vanishes when we are conscious.

Note 38. When someone does something ridiculous, I make fun of them or have second hand embarassment. But when (sometimes) I myself do something ridiculous or shitty, it feels very ugly afterwards.

Eckhart Tolle is trapped in self-deception. He went extreme and became almost thoughtless. He does focused thinking sometimes. (Consciously). He doesn't want to be a philosopher, though he has a lot of potential. Wisdom and mental sharpness is the answer. Some people are so mature that they never fail. Like, you can't imagine Khabib losing an MMA fight. Of course, he is sharp only in the MMA domain. Not necessarily in other domains. It happens when your fundamental concepts are strong about a subject or domain. There's no best way. There are many great ways to live, each having its own beauty. You choose for yourself what's the unique and great way you have to live. I also had such questions when I was a small kid. I used to complain to myself that I don't know how to live. What's the best way to act? I still have such questions but I have more understanding now than ever before.

Note 37. Reasons To Survive : When I visualize these vividly, I feel excited. I have to become one of the richest persons in the world. I have to do some giant projects. I have to be connected with the whole world. I have to meet 10,000+ great personalities. I want exposure. My ambitions : [companies] Web Browser. Software. AI. Robotics. Luxury automobiles. Perfumes. Beauty. Biotech. Food. Pharma. Health. Education. E-commerce. Movies production. Social media platforms. Airlines. Hotels. Restaurants. Etc.

Note 36. Some good members : trenton Sugarcoat Buck Edwards Leeo_SA soos_mite_ah Xonas Pitfall puporing Nilsi Preety_India Hibahere Thought Art Evelyna Husseinisdoingfine Etc. I'll go through their content when I get some time.

I remembered exactly the same while writing that.

Daniel Mackler https://youtube.com/@dmackler58?feature=shared