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Jan 7 ✓ Jan 8 ✓ Jan 9

Note 16. I saw myself being too much of a perfectionist (focusing on trivial details, like font, spacing, emojis, grammar, word choice, etc.). Now enough is enough. Now I have decided to f.ck grammar, if it's understandable. And sometimes do something imperfect deliberately. Yes do it !!!! Cz life is imperfect. Life can't be perfect. Relationships can't be perfect. Health can't be perfect. Nothing is perfect. And of course, journal can't be perfect. So let them be imperfect. When you move on, they don't bother you. They only bother you when you fixate on them.

I also have a strong impulse to take a decision, but I won't. Cz sometimes we need to accept something bad to prevent something worse.

From my personal experience : It's not too big of a problem for me personally. But yes it is a problem. Let's say I have an impulse to do sth. If I know I'd regret about it later on, I'll foresee the pain of regret instantly. And use this "pain of regret" to pause.... and ponder about the pros and cons. Why I'd pause? cz I hate that pain. I know this from my past regrets. And I don't want it to happen again. So if we pause and consciously take a decision, there won't be any regret. Even if regret happens later on, it wouldn't bother you so much. Cz you took the decision consciously. .....

Note 15. An insight on relationships. I see those who run after relationships as animals. (chasing animalistic pleasures). Sometimes I'm also guilty of this. But I am a little conscious right now. I don't want to chase anybody. I don't feel like doing it at all. I think I should approach 2000 girls just for understanding their psychology and nothing else. I mean, "understanding" is primary, and everything else is secondary. I should be single and work only on myself and my projects. But when some pure hearted soul comes to me and proposes me, I wouldn't break their heart. I'd embrace them wholeheartedly. I'm not a very big fan of relationships bcz of some points : Single "me" is dangerous. There's a beauty in being single. You only have your projects to focus on. If you are single, you don't have to worry about their needs, safety or security. You can fight against anyone freely, if you have nothing to lose. You don't have to worry about them judging your actions. You are not answerable to anyone. You don't have to explain things to anyone but yourself. Lack of freedom and time in a relationship. A lot of complexities in a relationship. Obviously it has many advantages too. I can be a fan of it, but not a very big fan. I think pros outweigh the cons, if it's a very meaningful relationship.

Note 14. Sometimes I forget the depressing and traumatic events that happened with me. Why on earth do I forget that gross injustice and torture that happened with me? I need to be angry so that I take some very big steps against my problems. So that I behave aggressively in life. What's more horrible than this.... that you forget and your anger fades away? For now, just focus on escaping and building your life. Later in life, if you feel like it, then you might take a bad revenge.

Note 13. A very ridiculous thing happened in a sub forum. People were debating with me on this topic : A parent must get some parenting license or certificate before giving birth to a baby. Why? Bcz you can't play with someone's life. It's not your personal matter, it's a matter of the whole humanity. If your child becomes a criminal by mistake, they could kill or rape innocent people and become a menace to the whole world. Who will take the responsibility? People say they have created a human being. My foot !! You don't create a human being ever, you are just a vehicle through which a baby is born. A baby is an independent human being (with some human rights) after delivery. It's not your property. You are not the creator. The baby has created itself. I have seen parents raising their children in a very immature and foolish way. And then crying over spilled milk, when something horrible happens. And those people were debating with me. Wow!!! Don't think about anything. Just produce produce produce !!!!! You can't drive your car without a driving licence (to avoid accidents). But you can raise a child without a parenting license. What a joke !! I know it's debatable. But it's important if humans have to grow collectively. I hate idiot parents and idiot teachers. And I respect great ones a lot. 💜❤️ Note : you are allowed to comment in my journals, just keep in mind to keep it clean and it should NOT be trashy. ❤️💜

Note 12. What wrong did I do to anyone? I was born innocent, full of pure love. I remember a scene, when I was a very small kid, I was with my father, he was behaving well, he was happy, everything was good, he took me to the shop outside........ but as I grew older, I got hate and depression. What did you got torturing others? Peace? Satisfaction? Good health? Happiness? Love? Nothing !! Everyone hates you and no one will be there with you during your final moments.

Note 11. I am not very comfortable sharing my private stuff here. It's very personal and private to me, which I don't want to share with random anonymous people. But I had to journal about it. So no worries !! It doesn't feel quite good, cz it's an ugly part of my life, which I'm a little embarrassed to talk about. But it's okay. I wish I had only good and beautiful things to write in my journal. Only useful things. Valuable things. Etc. I wanna give it a professional look. And include some sweet things. Fun and light things too.

Note 10. My story. I hate every moment when I'm with them : Abusive father Toxic narcissistic sister They've made my life hell since I was born. I don't have words to describe it but I'll do it in short. I don't want to write about it in mental health sub forum bcz I might receive a few insensitive comments, which I don't want at all. I don't need any sympathy afterall. I even dislike ...if someone shows sympathy or gives advices (that come from a place of lack of understanding)....or sees me as a victim. (except few cases) I don't want to whine or look like a victim. 🖤 These days : I'm living with my father only (for few days only). He constantly shouts on me, takes sadistic pleasure in mentally abusing me. Controls me as if I'm his servant. Annoys me. Criticizes all the other family members. Hates me. Keeps watching me from time to time (to see whether I'm doing something against him or contemplating suicide). Tries to diminish my self worth by saying .........you are this, you are that, you are an idiot, you are a nobody.......but still I have my self worth intact. It's pure torture. 🖤 Why I don't resist his torture? Cz I'm programmed since childhood to be quiet. To bottle up all the emotions. To be afraid. To maintain my survival. 🖤 I had forgotten my past, but he made me remember that again, which is good, cz I now realise once again .... that how badly I need to be free. Freedom is a non-negotiable, fundamental human right and need. Freedom from both outer and inner demons (inner ones are distractions, procrastination, laziness, depression, neurosis, etc.) Why are you alive if you are not free (or if you're not trying to be free) ? 🖤 He used to be very violent with my mom (and sometimes my sisters too). And I dislike my mom that she tolerated everything... Even the worst and the most brutal ones. She has also contributed to my suffering. So she will also have to pay a big price. Now, violence is mental (not physical, cz he's afraid to go to the prison). I don't want to write the specific events. I just have to imagine those scenes whenever I need to be angry about my situations. Sometimes when I remember those events, I start thinking, "why on earth I had forgotten the gross injustice done to me?" 🖤 I don't want to write about my toxic sister right now. She behaves with me and my mom very rudely. Depresses me. Doesn't care about others. Narcissist. So many things I have.... but I don't feel like writing about her. 🖤 I get very suicidal from time to time. A few times I came very close to killing myself. I will never forgive anyone in my family. I didn't deserve this. I have no family and no friends at all. I am all alone. And I'm fine. The only person I love is "myself". I won't forget the extreme injustice done to me. And I have to escape this prison. I have to turn around my life (and of others too...in future ....who are stuck in the sewer of life.) I want a completely new and fresh life.

Another point I wanna add : When I committed a big mistake and failed miserably in life, everyone was criticizing me for the outcome, and no one....not a single person understood my background. No one understood the underlying causes. Only I knew what I felt. I knew I didn't deserve that. That criticism. I deserved empathy. So now I know what I have to do with my future child. No matter how big of a mistake they commit or how miserably they fail in life, if it's unintentional, I have to have some understanding and empathy. And calmness. No one makes mistakes intentionally.

Note 9. Reminder for myself. If someone behaves in an abnormal way, instead of self-doubting or judging them or feeling uncomfortable, think about "what might have caused this?" I mean take a look on their background, instead of focusing on the behaviour. Let's say, someone is angry or reacting, instead of feeling bad, can you consider what might have happened to them to cause it? Maybe they are a sweet person, just that they have some bad mood or mood swings. It's very normal. At the very least, try to do this. If someone is being a narcissist and toxic, then that's a different matter. Let's say if someone is panicking too much and crying unnecessarily, instead of judging them, just take a look at their background and treat them with empathy. This is called maturity. Let's consider school shootings in USA, do focus on the outcome, but also take a look at the background of the shooter. They might have a bad experience in past.

Jan 4 ✓ Jan 5 ✓ Jan 6 ✓ Didn't get time or space for masturbation. No porn obviously. No urges. No sex drive. I remember something : During a time when I was too disturbed by a rape incident, I had low sex drive and some part of me....didn't want to masturbate. When I was doing it, some part of me hated it.... some disturbing stuff was going on in my mind.

Commitment 2. I will escape from my toxic family. 100% clear to me.

Clarification : I will use main discussion sub-forums only when needed. No unnecessary debates. 💛💛

Note 8. Random thoughts. 1. Whenever we go through some articles/posts/videos and see some cool words/phrases/idioms, it's automatically added to our daily use vocabulary. And we also use the same in our writings and speeches. 2. Learn statement analysis and intelligence to extract 1000 pieces of information from a text, which are not visible to an ordinary mind. Know things that someone doesn't even reveal. That would be bad'ss. [💜 Reminder !!] Must do it. We reveal much more than we realise. Wow. Great. 3. If I had to pick one inspirational video of the year 2024. That would be this : It made me cry. It made me smile in the end. It gave me hope that I can come out of my "sewer" too. She lost her brother, had severe alcohol poisoning, se'ually a'sau'ted, had anorexia, had been in a pathetic state.....etc.

It's too painful. Before arguing, get some knowledge about how painful it is. It's as painful as if someone broke your 42 bones. Don't be so selfish to ignore your partner's pain. C-Section : It's a surgery performed under anesthesia (spinal or general). It avoids labor pain but involves recovery pain post-surgery. Population is too much. Resources on Earth are less. Consumption is too much. Quality and value of humans is reduced when quantity is too much. (People like Elon Musk run after net worth, that's why they promote giving birth to babies. Don't listen to them.) Population must decrease especially in China and India. And USA too. There are millions of abused, or underprivileged children, why don't you adopt them? Why are you creating new ones and burdening the planet? If you genuinely want to raise kids, then there should be no problem in adopting. @Evelyna @Emerald @Thought Art

Note 7. Random thoughts. 1. I wanna create a new life for myself. I mean, I wanna turn around my life completely. Plus, I wanna help others turn around their lives. I can't see any human being stuck in the sewer of life. 2. Real greatness is when you can save someone's life putting your own life in danger. Or even losing your own life. I remember an incident in which a girl was violated publicly on the streets, in the most horrible ways. People saw her and not a single person came to help her. Instead, some people were filming the incident. I can't do this. I can't....I will lose my life, no matter how precious it is...but I'll fight for someone if I see them being violated and crying helplessly. Otherwise I won't be able to forgive myself for my lifetime. 3. Wow. Wow. Great post. https://www.instagram.com/p/DCHc2wtu2jv/?igsh=NTZyNzJjZ3RxM25z

Note 6. Doubt solving : Why I am so much interested in understanding female psychology? Because as I discover things about them.... it intrigues me, surprises me, confuses me, and overwhelms me. Definition of intrigue : ❤️❤️ I strongly wanna know things like these : Why they behave this way? Why that way? How do they feel? Do they feel the same way as men do? Do they also avoid crying? Do they also feel bad while crying and seeing themselves in the mirror? ^^ Do they also detect vibes from a person....in the same way as I do? How exactly? Do they also get attracted to the opposite sex....as much as men do? What are the things they are attracted to? And how does it feel like? What do they like in men? How do they feel when someone cusses? Do they also masturbate? Do they also get horny? And many more doubts .... ❤️❤️ Bcz they are humans too... but they have a very different psychology and biology. And I don't wanna be unaware and ignorant about any type of human being. It's like......when some foreigners do some xyz thing that's relatable to me (that is also in my culture), I'm surprised, "they also do this thing !!!" And I'm curious to know everything about them. How they live? What they eat? What they wear? Etc. Females should not look like alien beings to me. And gender gap must be almost zero (at least for me). That's why I have to approach 1000 girls and spend time with them. I have to be FULLY comfortable with being with even the hottest woman in the world. It's so unfortunate that in schools....since childhood..... teachers separate boys and girls. There's a lack of co-education. Even if it's called a co-ed school. So there's a big lack of understanding between males and females. (at least in India, don't know about other countries). It upsets me to see this gender gap and..... men and women fighting with each other. ❤️❤️ When I see a woman (on Quora, Insta...) talking about crush, sex, horniness or masturbation, it's a bit unusual for me. I'm surprised, "they also !!". Cz mostly I have seen men talking about these stigmatized topics. So if I see something rarely, it's unusual. I wish men and women both talked about sex comfortably. I wish it were not unusual for me. I mean ZERO social stigma. ❤️❤️ I sometimes feel bad.....girls seem so inaccessible. I haven't seen the world. I'm lonely since childhood. I couldn't make male friends in college....let alone female friends. (I dropped out of college due to many problems...) ❤️❤️ But the thing is....no matter how deep your knowledge is, it will always have some limitation, unless you actually experience life as a female. It's an uncomfortable truth that I don't know about my opposite sex. ❤️❤️ ^^ I feel bad cz I don't wanna look like a victim. And tears don't suit my face. When I'm crying and see myself in the mirror, I instantly stop crying cz it looks very ugly.

Note 5. Some random thoughts : 1. I don't know why I get so triggered by sexual abuse/assault survivors, even though I haven't experienced it myself. Maybe it's because I put myself in their shoes too much. I imagine how it would feel if someone did that to me. And I get desperate. I don't know what to do. How to help them. 2. Sometimes when I hurt someone unintentionally, it feels bad. I quickly forget and move on. But a tiny scar or guilt remains for lifetime (whenever that incident pops up in my mind.). This has happened few times (both online and in real life). I journal about it for some closure. 3. I don't trust anyone (man or woman) bcz I would never want anyone to outsmart me. Why I don't trust anyone, bcz I have seen extremely smart people and honey trap stories. And I am okay with it, cz if they are genuine and show exactly what they are from inside, I would know it. And if they are not, no matter how smart they are, I'll detect it using my intelligence. By detecting subtle behaviours, expressions, feelings, etc. And 99.9999% people are not that smart, that they'll outsmart me. (Of course, no one is perfect and some tiny red flags would be there even in ideal cases, cz everyone has some bad/dark side too, no matter how great they are).

Note 4. Stop being a people pleaser. If it's not possible to completely get rid of it, at least minimize it as much as you can. An amazing video on this, wow :

Note 3. Sometimes, when I see someone having problems very similar to mine and highly relatable to me, I strongly feel like helping them and discussing with them. Especially if I have discovered some techniques or tools. Why? Because unity is strength, problem-solving becomes so much easier when done together. But what happens is that.....some people welcome it, others don't. And that's okay. May God give them the strength and abilities they deserve. ❤️

Why is it okay for a woman to cry, but not for a man? I cry whenever I need to (when I'm overwhelmed). But a few times before, I looked in the mirror and instantly stopped crying; it felt so ugly to see myself cry. If I were a female, it wouldn't be the case. When movie actors (males) cry, it feels okay. Is it social conditioning or biology? Why tears seem so ugly on a man's face? I feel good or emotional seeing a woman cry.

Why don't you lock this men vs women thread?