Howtolive

Thank you for the insights. She mentioned going to different city’s for these bachata evening. First there is teaching from 9-12 and then there is open dance 12-6 in the morning. She also was part of events where you go to different parts of the world or cities. You say they are more used for hook ups ? I would say it’s a very special hobby if you also want a stable relationship.

This is more directed at the guys, but also open for some woman’s POV. I meet a girl and we click good so far. She is dancing bachata since some years. it’s a very close/sensual dance were the partners have lots of contacts with the Hipps etc. Generally girls that dance I find very interesting/feminine. To me it’s just a bit to much when I see other guys being that close. Plus I heared that los of men join these bachata party’s more as a social event to find girls. So Not an atmosphere where you want a possible partner to spend much time in. To me these Latino dance styles also always appear a bit to hedonistic for me. Has anybody experiences with this dancing Szene or being in a similar situation ? When is it a value clash and when is it insecurity? Happy to hear some thoughts

I get you. For me it’s important to also show respect for the relationship. Like not posting pictures on social media with lots of sexy photos or being in environments that are possible tempting for a relationship. Goes for male and female. I would say more like healthy standards compared to postmodern view -> individuality and fun above relationship norms.

She mentioned dancing till early in the morning and also sometimes that there are events yes.

Thank you ! Did she continue to dance when you guys were being together ? If so was that a problem for you?

I see. If that true then it would be a no go to me.

I see nice observations. So is it fair to say that it’s not comparable to other sports where you meet in a club. For example, tennis club, boxing, golf any form of sport that meets somewhere and trains? To me a sport where dating is so much in the foreground is not really a sport then per say.

How was the experience after the classes ? Are the people really there to dance or is it more about socialization? Sometimes the batchata looks a little bit like foreplay to me.

Thanks ! Where are they from ?

So you describe the people there as not so promiscuous ? It’s a bit off for me, when it’s so much connected to dating

Hey guys, Down below I summarised my thoughts about casual sex and why I belive its full of "shit". I am interested in getting feedback on my line of thought. Maybe I am to radical ? Maybe I am overseeing something here? Maybe I have wrong premisses? Happy to hear from you ! I often hear women say that they need a sense of connection and safety before engaging in sex, even if it’s “just sex.” Very often (unless people meet in a nightclub), it’s obvious that women need some form of a “mini relationship” before participating in short-term sex. Even on dating platforms, you can clearly see that many women want to be seen for their personality first and then sex may happen. From my own experience, and from conversations with many other men, I’ve realized that there is a big game of self-deception going on. Men who have “game” and know their way around women will make a woman feel good, respected, and emotionally seen. Sometimes they even create the feeling of a mini relationship. All of this sends the signal: “I care about you as a human being not just about sex.” But the uncomfortable truth I’ve discovered is this: Many men don’t actually care. They will do almost anything to get sex, including pretending to like a woman more than they do. I would even argue that many men don’t truly respect women they have casual sex with, because on some level they know the woman is believing a story that isn’t fully real. If a man genuinely respects, likes, and finds a woman attractive, he will usually consider a relationship with her. There are exceptions, for example, if he has just come out of a long-term relationship, but overall, this pattern holds true. If a man only sleeps with a woman for sex, it often indicates one of the following: • He does not find her attractive enough for a relationship • He does not like her personality • Or both In some cases, men even date women they are afraid to be seen with in public. That’s why they might suggest secluded walks instead of going for a drink at a local bar. This is especially common because it’s hard for many men to get very attractive women for casual sex, those women usually have many options. So men often “date down” (in terms of looks) when it comes to casual sex. If men were brutally honest about casual sex, it would sound more like this: • “I don’t find you attractive enough for a serious relationship, but I’d still like to have sex with you. Are you in?” • “I don’t like your personality or your views on life. I wouldn’t spend time with you if you didn’t have a body I want. Are you down for sex?” • “I don’t find you attractive, I don’t want to be seen with you, and I don’t like your personality, but you’re available. Let’s have sex.” In all these cases, it’s clear that the man is on a hunting trip, not meeting another human being as an equal. Male sexuality is deeply instinctual when it comes to reproduction. Often, it’s less about connection and more about conquest. Because of this, it becomes very difficult for a woman to be truly seen for who she is when a man is in “hunting mode.” At the same time, many men experience an inner conflict: They want easy access to sex, yet they also find it subtly repulsive to get that access without investment or genuine respect (even if they are not consciously aware of this). That’s why I’ve come to believe that casual sex is often not what it appears to be. For men, it’s rarely just a “fun activity.” It’s often a deeply instinctual hunt, about power, validation, and domination more than about human connection. Even if a man appears submissive in the bedroom, the underlying dynamic is still one of pursuit and conquest. Because of this, I believe it’s healthier for both genders to engage in meaningful, honest sexual connections rather than shallow interactions built on half-truths and unspoken intentions. What do you think?

It's because you did not see having a relationship with those girls from the start I guess ? Friends with benefits is basically the friend zone for females

I also agree. Can you explain what you mean by : overinflates how much we have actually done that. ?

Maybe that’s explains why nearly all cultures tried to regulate casual sex. Back then the affects were much bigger of course without the pill and condom. Yes I agree with the male instincts and that’s why I think it is based on a like, even going so far that if woman could listen to our thoughts, they would not engage in casual sex with us.

Did they not care with the woman they slept with or the ones the wanted to have a relationship with ? The issue usually does not arrise if the men was promiscuous.

thats a good point. Woman can have all the casual sex they want and men , too. But I belive each gender had to live with the consequences of their actions. I would also argue that the hurtful/distrust feeling men get when hearing the spouse had lots of men before them is deeply rooted in biology. So in a way casual sex for woman usually less appriciated by males who seriously want to date.

Man , you framed it better then I could myself. Thanks !! yeah that’s it

It's more that I guess that most men are not really honest to themselves or the woman. Most males around me have the same sexual aggression I describe

Exactly it's how you carry yourself. The instinct I just that, an instinct. But I belive every man has this instinct. If there is an instinct in man that can go as far as rape, I would say it's a good idea for male sexuality to integrate that instinct into meaningful relationships. I would say in casual sex this instinct is way more destructive than people realise.

For exmaple at the end of second world war countless Russian men raped a lot of German woman. There is a beast inside of men when it comes to sexuality which is very primal an raw and which can lead men into rape. Thats why I say this is not just a playful instinct for men. It's very primal and has a lot to do with dominance. If not integrated correctly can become very destructive. I actaully see it as the men always being the dominant act during sex, even though it is a submissive position the man is in. If the man is able to give his seed it's automatically a win by nature. And his DNA able to reproduce. His instinct stays the same. Lots of male mammals need to fight other males in order to get excess.

I agree with you. I am talking about the instinct though. Human is more then that of course. probably back in stonage, things looked different. And casual sex is the opposite of a loving relationship. So I argue -> closer to stonage

I wrote you a dm .:) Basically I belive that sex is viewed differently by the sexes. I think for most men it’s not just play, it goes much deeper into the psyche. maybe seeing sex as play is the cultural programming here ? Just a thought to be thrown into the mix. If both sides were completly honest about the situation. I belive both have not much honor/character when engaging in it. In a relationship when the woman made the desicion to submit to you, because you really care for her. It’s an exclusive very valuable act from the woman. The men respects it a lot. if the sex has been given to many men before him, who did not really care about the woman(maybe even disrespected her), the submission has less value. I think I don’t respect the woman, who let me have sex with them, even though I do not care at all about them emotionally. Very hardcore opinion now hope that doesn’t hit the forums rules or something… I belive if men would have not been socialized the way we are right now. We would basically have an instinct to „rape“ woman. I belive this is how strong the sexual instinct in men is, if we were to be completly honest. thanks for taking it good !

Probably true. Doesnt change it for me though. Feels more like deep down they now its shit but they overlook it to have sex. Which is exactly my point. Not a good idea. why dont you state them ? this is what the forum is for, no ?

I am curious: The girls you hook up with, that are down for something casual. Would you ever think about having a relationship with them?

what I am trying to say is that when looking at my sexual instinct only: Why do I like sex so much ? What turns me on when having sex with a promiscuous girl? Its the fact that I "use her" , "Own here" (in that moment), And this gets boosted a lot whith girls who are there for casual sex (the aggressive side of the instinct/ the animal in me is getting pushed to the surface). When having sex with a girl I am also romantically invested in. The instinct is still there, but this time less boosted. It's more a form of bonding, protecting, leading her, being proud that she submitted to me in a sexual act. I am willing to give a lot when a woman submits like that to me. So this is my conflict-> Causual sex brings the dark side of my instincts to the surface. During sex its a Raw dominating act which turns me on, maybe even seeing the girl as less ( its not my view but what the instinct turns on). I like having this easy excess and at the same time cant really respect the girl for bringing this dark side to the surface. She willingly taks the risk of being seen as less. At least for many men "less" in the sense of not relationship worthy. Myabe that explains it ? To answr your question: I actively looked for woman that are easy for sex in the past on dating apps and that worked. But I never respected them for doing it. And also now not respecting myself for it. Because for me it's based on a lie. And turning a relationship girl into a hookup was never a thrill, would always feel like shit if I did that. But of course just being able to get a girl to sleep with you is, In my experince, a big ego push for a man. It's like nature telling me I did a good job. And I "owned" that woman for a moment. Might sound super wrong but I belive if man were really honest about there sexuality... it looks like that. Thats why I also thing casual sex is not about "fun" for men. Drinking beers with friends is fun. Having sex is pure act of winning/dominating.