Letho

Anie literally just followed up with an 8 minute voice message by the way. I'm not going to listen to it, at least not tonight, but she's a really great gal that deserves a great guy and I'll give her some attention tomorrow where I'll expand some dimensions for her then inclusive of the above where I establish the boundaries I noted that serves her highest dignity. But yeah, my point is mate let this be a lesson for you, don't live in your own self created smoke that you'll only end up suffocating yourself on in the future because you made too many assumptions and didn't live in the space of mutually created individuated creative intelligence between one another, as that's what a real relationship is about man, what you two create with each other whether it's a friendship or something more, not the script society taught you you're hoping to fulfil in some predictable ritualistic way like most people assume and then they wonder why either they're unable to deal with their marriage issues that lead to divorce or complacency where you both just accept the slum you're in, which is fine for some people that's their future and I think it's truly beautiful if it's genuinely real as it just means they're not meant to explore consciousness all that deeply, and that's fine, it's not meant for many and so they have to live in marriages that live in those limits. Find your mutual true limit. Creatively intelligize the hell out of it with the most wisdom possible that brings the highest humanity possible to your relationships.

This is a different gal. To help you get out of the "idealism" paradigm and into the "trait analysis" paradigm, you must ask the question "who am I speaking to?" And "who am I based on what I am asking?" So I didn't masturbate over her, I told a white lie. I would never lie about something thats something I should never lie about, while at the same time this is a lie where I may need to do damage control, either she has had a bad day and has some unintended reaction for example or on the other hand she becomes overly infatuated with me, for either case because I already know Anie is a good person I'm going to devote the time regardless to ensure that no damage is done and or at the very least I redeem the situation, however in this case, I posed the question, "who is anie?" And I'm not going to be able to have that question answered by just dancing around nonsense questions where we're both in culturally accepted lines thereby producing culturally predictable responses, you must figure out how to cross those cultural lines while doing so in a way that is as respectful to the other person as much as possible. When you end up in a relationship with someone though where your relationship is predicated on culturally acceptable norms rather than a functional understanding of one another with a level of consciousness depth that supersedes the potential for normalised reactivity towards you, that's the relationship mate sorry to inform you, that's doomed to fail and either one of you are probably either only with you for ulterior motives or they're probably just so poorly developed or have such a shallow understanding of you that your relationship just isn't worth the time of day anyway to the extent that it genuinely adds value to your personal growth. I'm sharing this with you because it feels like part of at least one of the outcomes to your attachment is that you create a cultural dream world of social expectation. This social expectation is something you've been socially conditioned to believe in so that you re-enact that ritual in the real world and then wonder why you're not getting the success you thought you were going to get based on the subconscious rituals you didn't even know you were programmed to follow through with and not get adequate enough feedback from reality to change your behaviour in response to. I'm not saying you should now start telling all the women you're masturbating over them even though you're not, I'm just saying that you need to figure out your own independent way whereby you're going to only spend time on real relationships where you're both in it to be real with one another and get through the crass to get to truly know who one another are underneath and waste the least amount of time with those that have ego backlashes and therefore don't even know themselves enough to be able to even pass these kinds of tests to the point where they can intelligently relay who they are to you and vice versa. "Who is X?" Is the same question as "Who am I?", on one side of the spectrum you (or the person you're speaking to) have full ego identification and therefore almost zero self knowledge and on the other side of the spectrum you have full self wisdom and therefore at the very least enough ego integration to the point where you can generate creative intelligence no matter what someone throws at you and create light and heaven out of whatever they bring to the table for you to mirror the universe off with to you. For me, the faster I can find that ego and or lack of integration to the point where there's a lack of empathy on self and other, the quicker I can get out of there and establish creative intelligence in another direction. By generating harmless social experiments like this where I have full positive intentions and empathy towards any potential damage control needed, I get a quick read on biases that reveal truths that may have otherwise been completely missed and put me in a relationship that landed me in a complete mess months or even years down the line because I didn't get an intelligent objective read across many situations that add to my wisdom in a way where there's mutual respect for one another's humanity, including respect for one another's time aka saving months to years of both our lives. Again, if I tell a woman I love her though, that's not something I just throw out and see what flies back. There's simply lines I will not cross no matter the context, I now have a few gals now including Anie that are happy to have learned I just masturbated over them which I didn't, however there's a lot of women where I just simply wouldn't do that of course because it would be totally inappropriate relative to either the context of our relationship or the ego limits that I'd already for example investigated enough. It's the first time by the way where I've tried that social experiment, and now it's just damage control to ensure they're not anticipating this leads to a potential relationship while at the same time benefitting our friendship because now we've mutually crossed cultural lines where we get to explore new creative territory. You've gotta learn how to do that for the sake of understanding yourself and the sentience you're claiming you're trying to have a sentient aka non-culturalized-zombie relationship with. Hope these three comments serve as good learning mirrors for you mate. Again, hope the Christmas Break is serving everyone well 🎄🌍👌

@oMarcos And this gal is pretending to be all empathic towards me and I do believe she's empathic, like she does have a complex compass however for so many women man, they'll in the next breath happily talk about the guy in which their empathy has switched off towards to another guy, in this case, me. What she's doing right now shows a lack of maturity and so I don't hold her in as high esteem, however I recognise there's multiple factors at play here including the cultural pressures that have made her have the sight she has through the smoke and mirrors of indoctrinated misguided hollywood love potions being created by the guys she's speaking to, so I hope this helps you generate another mirror on yourself to see through your own naivety a little bit better just above the horizon of any potential ego backlash you may or may not have from me sharing this with you. Combined with my previous earlier comment above, you need to make a paradigm shift that allows you to see how your own self-indulgence in your own personal delusions results in blocking your primal cognitive empathy to complement your affective empathy, as a result, you get easily played bro and the way to respond to this isn't to try and outplay anyone it's just to make the best use of your time in your life and consequently stay on your growth curve towards reaching your highest consciousness maturity as much as possible to the point where these situations don't even register in your life as plausible scenario outcomes as you're not the naive one where your love isn't coupled with love that's bolstered by the rest of your intelligence and vice versa: These are two separate guys in the space of the last hour by the way. Wisen up, don't get bitter. The biggest problem is you don't view at least 50% of yourself and herself as a biological entity responding automatically to the forces of life around you continuously, instead a part of you that you need to unplug is stuck inside this magical fairy dust space of "Her and I are spiritual beings finding our spiritual paths" or however you frame it, consequently, your reticular activation system filters reality around you incorrectly relative to the level of inaccuracy surrounding the present paradigm in which you're processing your relationship. Fix the (cognitive) paradigm and you'll fix the filters which will in return change the feedback loops within your biology that create your emotions to appraise this and other situations around you to become socially attuned more accurately. Don't get bitter as said, the goal isn't even to get better as they say you should in just another form of delusion just delicately in a more sophisticated way, get more accurate. Get more accurate and you'll get more of you as you being you, being true. So as much as its a lack of empathy at an objective level, of course I play devils advocate on myself where this situation at the same time is the perfect example to reveal the other side of the equation. My revelations should relay that the nuance still reveals how I'm accurate on both accounts regardless but that the original boldness is still where you need to systematically step by step mature towards being able to know how to categorise empathy across the social spectrum as it presents itself to you situation to situation because to add with this second comment, you'll in return know how to self assess aka like in this situation, where your own self and other empathy is lacking and thus where you need to redeem yourself. In the case of these two examples, where the two gentlemen are stuck in their own self indulgence and are totally oblivious to how she may perceive them and so totally misperceive how she may respond to them in the future, in this case either ghosting or/to playing them. A part of it is their own fault and the other part of it, is however slightly, her own suffering because she then loses out on having a more mature appraisal of the situation that benefits her consciousness growth even though her biological response that reduces her empathy as a survival reaction to screen them out as potential partners at the same time is understandable. Good luck, but create your own luck by looking in the mirrors that give you a more accurate reading on life. Again, I hope everyone's getting the most out of this Christmas Break in preparation for the new year 🌍🎄👌. Spread the mature love.

Meta-Awareness of Biological Responses: Surfing the Horizonal Analysis of Sentient Evolutionary Triggers. An African American, 6 Police Officers and... Me. The human mind, especially when one attains a certain level of introspective mastery, begins to function in a manner that transcends the limitations of ordinary cognition. What I mean here is an acute meta-awareness that I'm presently meta-cognitive of, feeling the unique sensations of it wash over unusual metamorphoses of my consciousness in the creation of the egoic joint avatar of me moment to moment, an awareness that doesn’t simply acknowledge but actively tracks and unpacks the biological, cognitive, and emotional responses to external stimuli, resonating with evolutionary imperatives embedded deep within my physiology, flames above and surrounding the fire I cannot fully describe the colour to the contours of. This meta-awareness, is like feeling into new waves to surf in the ocean that could overcome me in any moment and swallow me whole, while at the same time remaining an area of deep fascination, an intrigue that forces pausation to discover deeper... Causation... In the moment of its experience, transforming the mere cascade of evolutionary responses into an analysis that reaches a consciousness convergence that generates novel enlightening experiences I haven't experienced before, turning the seemingly trivial into the ineffably indescribable I can speak about to no one other than.. in this journal space here. Meta-awareness is still a juncture, a translation from train station to mastery of all its railway tracks, that's far from either complete or traversed, as the vastness of the biological mechanisms and neurobiological impulses underlying my human to "evolutionary human" behaviorally is far more intricate and nuanced than any simple narrative could capture, or that I have understood yet, and whether any heights I've traversed of "extra-human" is either human, "evolutionarily human" 🧬 or both, is still not fully determined. Regardless, like a tiger staring back on itself like a predator, my continued observation of these internal states allows me to peel back layers of sentience that speak to something beyond mere cognition, the primality of self-aggression on my own self-awareness , evolutionarily encoded in the double helix of my self-gaze, still accessible at higher consciousness when observed with the right sniper scope and protective tension. Presently, I am bound by one of those seemingly mundane scenarios converted into an ineffable aggressive self-awareness. My observation of a group of six uniformed officers surrounding an African American man in a public setting. On the surface, this is a typical interaction, the kind that happens daily in urban environments. However, what is significant is how my own body responds to the array of biological stimuli that convert typical to symphonic at the right temporal timing, the core of multi-layered meta-awareness. Immediately, upon perceiving the situation, my biological responses begin to register. These responses, often visceral, deeply felt in the body before any conscious thought emerges, trigger an anti-authoritarian reflex. This is not intellectualized; it is a reaction, an instinctual urge to challenge authority when I witness what I perceive as an imbalance of power or an unjust interaction beneath the horizon of conscious articulation that on the surface, just looks like a guy, in this case me, casually walking by. The biological impulse to defend the perceived oppressed, in this case the African American man, manifests almost immediately in my body. It is the activation of a fight-or-flight response, an ancient evolutionary mechanism designed to prepare us for immediate action in situations where survival or social justice is in question. The emotional instinct, an almost involuntary sympathy for the oppressed, flows through me. There is an urge to step in, to somehow intervene in the perceived injustice. However, upon closer examination, I notice the second wave of biological response triggered by the unfolding scene. The African American man, although clearly restrained and handcuffed, exhibits a form of confrontational defiance toward the officers. He taunts, provokes, and attempts to assert himself in the face of authority. At this point, my biology shifts subtly like a string of piano notes cascading from high to low and low to high interesecting thunderous yet subtle raindrops. The initial anti-authoritarian instinct is now tempered by another biological response, a defensive reaction toward the police officers. Here, my sense of empathy oscillates between two impulses, two mediational points inside the greater theatre of my own self-observation, both neutralizing and activating my desire to protect, defend, aggress, discern... Observe. The evolutionary tendency to protect the underdog collides with a biological readiness to defend the social order, the officers in this case, who are part of a law enforcement system that I simultaneously respect and see the weaknesses of and thus am vigilant of all mediums of how my communication could play out here. This conflict between impulses is not purely cognitive, it is biological in nature, a direct consequence of the various instincts that we inherit from evolutionary pressures, my surge of my gut tempered by the slow hum of my heart that's sultaneously grounded in the desire for love. On some level, I understand cognitively that the antagonism I feel toward the officers is irrational, that the confrontation between an already restrained man and those who hold the power is likely to lead nowhere constructive. And yet, my biology resists this understanding; it is not enough for the higher cognitive centers to override the biological impulses that exist within me. They are primed to protect, and the biology doesn’t differentiate between context, it only responds to perceived threats and the balance of power. Now, what is fascinating is the level of awareness I am able to bring to these biological shifts. The very act of observing myself in real-time, monitoring how my own biology responds to this external event, provides rich insights into the evolutionary underpinnings of how I experience not only human sentience but the consciousness experience of meta-awareness altogether in expression through sentience; where am I on its universal spectrum and isn't it beautiful that this seemingly anti-fragile experience in the trivial can be simultaneously experienced with the innocent naivety of wondering about where my experience lands on this sentient spectrum? I am keenly aware of my body's reactions, the untouchable stretches of my consciousness within the safe limits of human experience, watching for subtle nuances that reveal the deeper evolutionary currents that govern what we myopically contain with categories like... feelings and thoughts. This level of meta-awareness of biological processes, the awareness of my own bodily response to the social dynamic, enables me to step outside of myself to a degree that I suppose many would find difficult to see beyond the denial and subsequent dissonance of doing so to the point where it's counterpoints results in parameters that open up a new consciousness bandwidth for them to explore and self-realise themselves through . I am no longer simply acting on impulses; I am observing the impulses in meta-temporal "human time", analyzing their origins, and dissecting their evolutionarily grounded nature, observing all of us simultaneously creating our avatars through our consciousnesses and evolving simultaneously with those changes in real time. Continuing my observation, the tension becomes even more palpable. The African American man, having been physically subdued, continues his verbal defiance. The police officers, at this point, remain remarkably controlled at different indices of personal dignity, their expressions betraying traces of annoyance and frustration, subtle shame to dissociation mediated though through hours of trained process. I can sense the power dynamics at play, how the officers, despite their physical control over the situation, are being subtly humiliated by the man’s taunts which makes me want to contain the African American, I notice a meta-simulation of how I might do so accordingly coupled with the bewilderment of imagining the police officers reactions to my doing so. There is something subversive in his actions, a challenge to their authority, even if he is now completely incapacitated, there is freedom in his desire to be aggressed upon further that he can manipulate in future interactions where he courts his own delusional defense. At this moment, I notice a subtle shift in my perception. The biological readiness to defend the officers, which had previously been tempered by a deep compassion for the African American man’s perceived plight, is now accompanied by an even more complex feeling, an almost psychological detachment, a growing sense that the situation is less about the individuals and more about the wider systems of power they represent as manifestations within this universal time lock that separates us from every other temporal lock on the earth at this moment, this... We share uniquely together. As my biology continues to shift, I begin to further observe the subtlety in the interactions. The subtle cues in the body language of the officers, the way they position themselves, the slight changes in their facial expressions as they handle the man, even the way they speak to each other provide me with valuable insights into how dominance, submission, and social hierarchy play out in these moments of high tension. The deeper I watch, the more I begin to see the interplay of complex evolutionary dynamics, and the deeper meta-questions that surface beneath my cells synchronistic concert of self-observational activity that's somehow, a double sided gun. On a biological level, the entire scene is a microcosm of the battle for dominance that occurs in many social interactions, in many areas of my consciousness. The aggression exhibited by the African American man is the expression of a threat to the social order, while the officers’ restrained control is the manifestation of their dominance, and their external dynamics and my watching, an analogy for how I linguistically now describe how the vying for dominance inside my consciousness hierarchy plays out between my internal processes. My own body oscillating between sympathy for the underdog or in part, underdogs, and support for the social order, trying to reconcile these conflicting impulses through a cognitive awareness that allows me to disarm some of the emotional charge of the moment. As the interaction unfolds and the officers begin to move on, I continue to monitor my own biological responses. Simultaneously, my body is primed to be confrontational toward the officers, a protective impulse triggered by the anti-authoritarian stance I take toward any perceived abuse of power. However again, curiously, I also find myself instinctively sympathizing with them, a biological reaction I cannot entirely suppress. I exchange a simple gesture as one police officer walks past me after I had situated myself already only meters away, an expression of mutual recognition, an acknowledgment of the shared social dynamics that exist between us despite the tensions of the situation, for whatever reason they welcomed my close proximity in spite of my own internal conflict that was barely externally visible. This moment, which appears to be a trivial social exchange, is, in reality, a complex interplay of biological drives and evolutionary instincts across all of us. My awareness of these drives, my ability to observe them as they unfold, places me at a unique vantage point not just on the interaction, but from the projected future looking back from multiple reference frames for how it could have played out compared to if I had of just continued walking onwards without the unique interplay of emotions to sort through in understanding my responses through the night of the interaction. By monitoring my own responses, I gain insight into the deeper forces at work, forces that shape how we not only perceive others and how we react to authority, but also how sub-drived like the biological imperative to protect, defend, or challenge is expressed through our sentient awareness juxtaposed with this not only being a shared disposition but one that you may also have conflict with at the same time if it played out that those that were paid to serve and protect for example, went up against a citizen that felt the same consciousness reward but by his own volition against one or more of them. In this way, the seemingly simple act of observing my own biological responses in this social situation becomes a profound exercise in meta-awareness so much that it becomes skin to the ecstatic rise I feel when improvising on the piano across many scales of emotional juxtapositions, revealing the underlying evolutionary architecture that defines the very nature of human interaction and the complexity of moral and social judgments where sound meets emotional symphony and meta-awareness, the simultaneous navigation and creation of meta-causation where subtext, becomes the entire plot of the story. The surf continues... but the ride is just beginning... Hoping everyone is enjoying their Christmas Break 🎄 🌏!

Firstly, A Statement of Intent. Intent is the home of understanding our place in this universe. It helps us understand someone even if their actions are wrong and it helps us see through the deceptions of someone even if their actions are right. Intent therefore has a psychic component to it. It lives beneath the surface of social gatherings and explains without us having to say anything at all how humans no matter how seemingly different, are able to come together in the same vicinity. Intent then, creates a vibe. Vibe to, vibration. Vibration to, alignment of intent. This psychism is the basis for our digital empathy and where then, weaknesses in our character development lead to where it falls short. How much we misunderstand our own intent is a measurement of our own self-deception. Is a measurement of where we felt we thought we were aligned with our truest calling and where, we weren’t. Alignment waits for and therefore relies upon the sorting of intent in the least of these preparations in the awareness, formation and adherence to purpose. Purpose is intent with an arrow of time, the curation of effect in mind in explaining the cause of one’s actions. Purpose then, is not without cognition but in the same breath, nor is it without heart in explaining the full breadth of one’s intent and therefore, the full measurement of one’s level of alignment with their true self, where truth here, is not without consciousness coherence, for if it is, then the truth is instead on reflection upon the causation that’s come in the lead up to this wakefulness that now bares the fruit of its wisdom. To learn from and take responsibility for the experiences that have preceded places us in the greatest position of power to set a good example for not only others but also ourselves and every variation of ourselves that led to this moment. The biggest heartbreak I’ve had to endure is not the heartbreak of losing someone I love but the heartbreak of facing the time I lost from my own absence that created the heartbreak. I have to face all those times I was only semi-aware and therefore only semi-truly myself and because of that I allowed the mind to become corrupted from smoke and mirrors that I didn’t even realise I was creating within myself. I have to force myself to return back in time and re-question the haphazard truth that curated the intent that created my own purpose for explaining the actions I took and the words I said which I now hold closest to what I can learn from. There is an expression of authenticity “being ourselves” and then there is our own negligence that no one has the right to overlook the examining the potential falsity to no matter how seemingly, “well-intentioned” they are unless they wish to admit to themselves and others around them how much of a child they still are in that respect if they wish to remain naive to the ignorance that explains their chosen path, which I wholeheartedly admit, indeed I was. My father was on the edge of passing away last year and I did absolutely everything I god damn well could do to hide from that potential reality surfacing and believe in the seemingly impossible chance of his survival. I was not yet a man that knew how to imagine his life as something that could go on after losing my closest relationship, and that led to me lashing out, characteristic of how I lashed out in the past due to other frustrations I had not yet had the life experience to know how to handle in a way that I could honestly be proud of. Instead I hid behind my intentions, “Well I meant well!”, when in reality I was irrefutably irresponsible and I caused much more drama than others had to put up with because I wrongly felt entitled to being able to do that due to my own victimhood. Victimhood that was of my own making because I did not align as deeply as I should have with truth. To align with truth requires so much more more than mere intent. It requires an intent that is refined by the experience of how to align ourselves emotionally, cognitively, socially, empathically and even culturally, with the latter here especially so if we take the western context into consideration; I’ve been doing a lot of traveling of late, slowly making my way to Ukraine as I’ve signed up for the International Legion of Defence for Ukraine, an action that along with many other life lessons that have transpired over the past 12 months have forced deep developments in my psyche. I felt justified because I was emotionally aligned with intent, however I didn’t have the experiential compass regardless as to how good I felt my own moral compass was to accurately gauge my own potential for self deception. I felt that what had happened to a former member here was morally wrong and so I contended with the person now gone that tried to do a PSYOP on the forum about that. I felt that how Leo responded to the situation was wrong so I made a moral contention about that. I felt that what that person did to Leo was wrong so I made a moral contention about that. And for everything else you can be confident that the story there goes a little something like, “well I felt morally that…”. And of course I now feel that how I behaved in the past was morally irresponsible, so I apologize for that publicly to everyone. Since joining the International Legion of Defence for Ukraine I’ve completely done a backflip regarding my own perceptions on aggression in light of the positive example I wish to set for my nephews. It is of my strongest belief internally that all things being equal social aggression should only be used in so much as it is truly for the defence and protection of others and the margin for error is far less than 20% and where alternative courses of action are less than a 5% chance from being successful. I never so much as tried. What does it mean to stand in allegiance to the truth? What does it mean to no longer cower behind our own resolves of intent we’ve spent a lifetime crafting or even feel justified in holding onto in the ephemeral moment? The defenses we’ve carefully built to keep our identities safe from self-questioning? Today, I’ve begun to answer that question here for myself and I hope for anyone else as well who finds themselves hiding from responsibility when they should be stepping forward into the light to discover with bravery the next step in their evolution. In saying that, I realise that in order to move forward on this forum and take part in good conscience, I must hold myself responsible so that others are aware that I’m aware of what’s was expected of me implicitly. That I’ve learned to focus instead on how I can sweep my own porch first and foremost instead of trying to look outside to escape from having to face my own misalignment with my truest and deepest callings, something we all must do and trusting first and foremost on the natural illumination that follows to set us on the right path. I know what its like to live in the shadows of my own fears, dancing around the edges of my own truth, hoping that somehow I could avoid facing the parts of myself that scared me the most, and that’s often what I did in the obfuscation of bringing more wisdom to my past self’s intents due to my lack of life experience. I’ve sought comfort in identity, in trying to manage my own self-perception without sight on the undercurrents of what drove my behaviour, believing that if I could just keep all the pieces in place, I could avoid the collapse that invariably followed. But here’s the lesson I’m learning: truth doesn’t bow to our control nor to our wishful thinking when it comes to the curation of our neat identities. Truth demands surrender as much as it demands resolve on all that remains after diligent self-scrutinisation. And reviewing the past now with more wisdom, it becomes an ongoing relearning and refining of our own alignment with the truth of our beings, intelligently learning to identify the areas that makeup our intents and then re-question them only for the certainty that the truth requires of us in order to articulate ourselves into the next moment with our deepest alignment with truth. When my father’s health faltered, I felt the ground beneath me begin to quake. I felt my own identity, one that I’d built around certainty, around being the one who was heroic and wanted to protect others — begin to crumble. And instead of confronting that fear directly, instead of standing tall in the face of it, I lashed out. I let my own inner turmoil spill out into the world, looking for someone to blame, someone to carry the weight I was too afraid to hold myself. And in those moments, I was a coward. I let fear dictate my actions. I let my ego, in all its fragility, lead the way. I wanted to hide, to make myself small, to ask for anonymity here because it felt safer to be unseen than to risk being judged. But safety is an illusion when it comes at the cost of our own integrity. Courage isn’t about the lack of fear it’s about facing that fear head-on, without flinching and then holding your nerve even if you do. It’s about standing in front of the mirror of our own consciousness and refusing to look away, even when what we see there is painful, messy, or uncomfortable. It’s about choosing to step into that illumination I spoke about earlier and being made by that, even when it’s blinding. I used to think that forgiveness was about making peace with others, about letting go of resentment or anger. But now, I see it’s about that and much more as well. Forgiveness is about making peace with ourselves — with our own limitations, our own mistakes, our own humanness and being vulnerable enough to share that with another. It’s about understanding that we all stumble, we all falter, but that doesn’t define us. What defines us is what we do next. As long as our adherence is still to truth, we can still find our way there as long as we remain open minded. So here I am, Leo, standing in front of you and everyone else, saying this: I choose not to hide. I choose not to shrink away from the discomfort of my own growth and instead I allow these words to define my intent into the future. I choose to confront the narratives that have kept me small, that have kept me from stepping fully into who I am meant to be. This is not a plea for redemption. This is a commitment, a commitment to stop living in the shadows of my own ignorance, to stop letting my ego that grows out of that to dictate my choices. This is about finding the strength to say, "I was wrong," and "I will do better." This is about dedicating myself to a higher standard of truth, not just in words but in action, in how I share my experiences on this forum and learn from others in the continuation of mine and others growth, a journey we’re on together. The path to truth is not always easy, but it is the only path that leads to true freedom. It is the path where we learn to love ourselves not because we are perfect, but because we are willing to grow, to change, to evolve. I know now that to live with integrity means to live without pretence, without the masks that keep us safe but also keep us small. To live with integrity is to say, "I will face myself, all of myself, and I will do so with courage and honesty." And that’s what I’m doing here today. Leo, I respect whatever decision you make regarding my place here. This is not about seeking your favor; this is about making a stand for my own growth, my own evolution. I have been knocked down by my own illusions, but I am choosing to get back up, to dust myself off, and to move forward with clarity and purpose. To truth. To courage. To a life lived in alignment with what is real. My next post will be on alignment and how to get that right using the wealth of my life experiences in this achievement. Briefly, we have many aspects of ourselves that are inter-communicating to forge the solidarity of the intent within us that feels the most consistency as ourselves, kind of like energy centre, so how you may have heard how there’s an intercommunication between the heart, mind and gut within our beings. My goal is to establish a conceptual bridge that I hope to be useable for others and that I hope to speak about from a few different angles, i.e. one that is more experiential, another that is more theoretical. Best wishes and much love to all. - Lastly, attached to each post I would like to share the journal entry (i.e. that preceded it), so that I can begin to more intelligently build cause and effect relationships between what I have expressed and what I have designed. Before I share this entry, as a testament to how I wish every word I express to be counted against my character and that I am fully responsible to each thereto, I have chosen the sacredness by which I hold my surname to be the name that I pen my entries with. "Letho" hails from my grandfather's changing of our previous surname, "Eleftheriou", which means freedom, or less generally, to be philosophers of freedom, of which I wholeheartedly am. My grandfather changed to Letho when he came to Australia from Cyprus because in the early 1900's people really struggled pronouncing our family name and my grandfather was always such a humble guy that never wanted it to be made a big deal out of. To that final end as it concerns coming full circle on my entry above where I said "What does it. mean to have allegiance to the truth?", I can't see any better way to have an allegiance to my own name and therefore truth than to also have that as my way of standing by it with every entry that I make on this forum. JOURNAL TITLE Rainbow Wolf 31st of August When I open up the mind, what truly lives on the other side of it? I can attempt to understand this question when I do comparisons between different people and different parts and contexts of my own life. What does it mean for my own mind to be truly open, surely it means something much greater than merely comparing to a population average that is stagnant and for many demographics, circling a drain? At least in the immediate if not long term sense, it’s frightening to step into this space for me. I can imagine so many permutations of consciousness, and at least one of those behind the veil of this immediacy explain all of the barriers of this present consciousness. I am landlocked inside the limits of my self-understanding of the meta-language of consciousness. There is a level of meta-communication that I yearn to achieve within my own consciousness that would allow me to fully tap into the intelligent movement of information throughout my entire spiritual-biology. I can imagine the mapping of my now consciousness terrain, invert it in different ways and make a study of those inversions as a way of advancing my self study to self-expansion. What is a possible higher consciousness that is my own, a lower one too and how is the present one their balance and what kind of balance is it relative to a hypothesised ultimate scale of consciousness? What if I were a wolf? This pondering makes the endeavour of expanding the openness-intellectual horizons of human consciousness much more commendable, rational and its opposites simultaneously understandable while at same time something we obviously need to prudently avoid, given our likeness. Given our likeness not just to wolves but all beings and creatively, we can find likeness not just in our biology but more so in being encapsulated by the same limitations in consciousness. Ergo the colloquial formation of terms like “Birds of a feather flock together”, “Black sheep of the family”, “Wolf in sheep’s clothing”, “Raging bull”, “(those people are a) bunch of sheep!”. We only very rarely question this likeness as well much less actively attempt to stray from what we could say are evolutionary inroads. Pathways where there exists a predetermination in the movement of the substance of soul consciousness in so much as that consciousness is not accompanied by the power of awareness. This power, as I’ve experienced its expression awakens what we know of as meta-causality and due to its nature, that is, being bound by this abstract object of “power”, self-communication is predicated on the depth of where the edge of that power hits the beginning to end point of that meta-causality. And of course, the awareness that is experienced here is something that is totally taken for granted, often within my own psychological apparatus as I have thus far experienced as well as witness it in others, the surface layer of psychological experience runs much more dominant than the layer of awareness that defines both its pronouncement and through that filter, its change and transformability. This means that not only can we safely separate awareness from the substance of psychological experience, it means that we ethically cannot use our mere sentience as a vehicle for distinguishing our own existential superiority outside of intellectual utility. Unless we are going to discriminate between humans in the same way, of which many demographics actually silently lead with as we of course know, so be prepared to be discriminated against even on this forum, that is an unchanging truth outside of the awareness that creates it. This leads me to bringing up that previous phrase I mentioned here where one needs to learn the art of instead of being the black sheep aim to instead be the “Pink sheep of our Collective Human Family” when it comes to living a life that is as close as possible, aligned with truth, objectivity and maintaining one’s personal integrity as it pertains to continually aligning with the implications of this socially and culturally. “Pink” is where you have to standout, kind of like the pink panther, however pink also represents friendship, affection, harmony, inner peace, compassion, nurturing and approachability. I could say be the “golden sheep”, however there is another surface layer here of psychological experience that of course I want to be tentative when it comes to activating, the human ego, and the myriad of ways I may also unintentionally do that in myself before understanding has preceded action, which is what most often happens when it comes to the human ego. Let me distinguish between four forms of power here that bring balance to the growth of power itself overall across all relevant levels, including the ego, as it concerns the natural release of unhealthy forms of power as well as having the sentience to negotiate the maturation of power via transcending previous levels to higher levels of ego. We have the power of awareness, love, truth and ego, with the first three being protective of the healthy development of number four or to the other side of the spectrum where unhealthy developments in these areas can at the very least serve as potential correlates for explaining dysfunctions in egoic power. Each of these first three are unique access points with their own intelligent abstract “Axis of Intervention” where with the use of the right internal behavioural awareness, agency can meet its intelligent use in the fate of power actualisation, but not without losing some of our “Axis of Cultural Dharma”. “Dharma” is that which is regarded as a universal truth as taught by the Buddha, ‘Cultural Dharma’ then here is the interaction between the perception of truth and a cultural program that upon their intersection, act very analogously to its action of consequences, aka what’s referred to in this tradition as someone’s karma. With every loss of this axis then, we gain in the recomputation of the simulation of reality as it forms in automatic consciousness in the same way as there is a distinct difference between the automatic simulation that’s say generated in a wolf compared to every new animorph evolutionary form it goes through until it reaches the state of achieving the full range of capacities of human consciousness. Returning to the first question I asked, in order to maintain any sanctity of life within myself and the order of my evolutionary motion to greater transcendence I am forced to learn how to experience and maintain an intelligent emotional order on feelings of power and powerlessness simultaneously. Power in the openness and openings of mind, combined too with turning on the rest of the systems of my being including my heart, and too, the terrifying powerlessness I experience in the inflexibility by which I hold those perceptions yet the scaring flexibility by which I do so compared to the population average, and how this stray from the norm teaches me how to stand figuratively naked in front of everyone, even if I am the only one aware that I am doing do. As much as this power extends me to realise frontiers beyond anything that parallels, the vulnerability of standing in the unknown still stretches my experience to being compared to that of an inordinate naivety comparable to that of said above actual wolf that’s suddenly had its awareness transformed to rival that of the greatest, scared of just what its experiences of its own limits could be, as well as, limits its unknowingly imprisoned itself inside, “How have I unknowingly been teaching myself to pace up and down in a new way in a cell I didn’t know I was imprisoning myself inside but could have escaped from if I just honed my consciousness on the Axis of Consciousness Dharma?”. “Axis of Consciousness Dharma” is what I’ve newly coined to describe the symbiotic karmic communication point that follows from the attempt at intelligently intersecting all of the above described axis at their “Axis of Intervention”, where together, its an “Axis of Symbiotic Intervention” that’s simultaneously something that’s built from and destroys one’s karmic path. Imagine you’re building a ladder to the next level of a castle and then upon reaching the next level you kick out the ladder from underneath you. That teaches us the lesson of how we’re forced to accept where we are and to originate creatively with what we have and then to simply let go and embrace the next level upon when we achieve it, never allowing ourselves to slip back into old consciousness patterns, something that is impressed upon consciousness the more intelligence that went into building the ladder of course. I haven’t before lived so seamlessly with this wisdom though in my life, to be so easily preoccupied with dual meta-realisation of the prison I’m unknowingly cementing myself in with each pace. It’s the hidden pitfall of deep thinking that doesn’t even need to edge into rumination in order to be a potential negative, it gives the illusion of deep thought while entraining habits emotional too that shape the creation of a personality that isn’t articulating itself from the perspective of its frontiers, one without awareness on the location of its origination to futuration point, the nexus of space that has hardly any piece of the sociocultural narrative of everyday speech outside the Truman Show that paces back and forth between the limits of its coloured extremes. Coloured wolves encased within sheeps clothing, the necessity of politeness engraved in the automacy of our daily collective social behaviours for if we push the needle of our consciousness just slightly too far beyond that thin red line, fear encases the self-justification of our caution to escape but then from what and to what as well as from what colour? Our auric field is only coloured as our awareness of it and to the degree of our lack of awareness, we are blinded by something else, for we’re always blinded as Plato’s Cave said and how blindingly does the most audacious one blind themselves through their ignorance compared to the one who does so through their cowardice in the experience of their supposed likely in part at least with respect to perspective false knowledge? The pink wolf audaciously moves forward with knowledge in agreement with their environment while never in betrayal to their inner truth. They find their “Axis of Intervention” across all four axis and leverage this in awareness to build the ladder up towards a higher light out of of Plato’s Cave relative to their level of development and maturity of consciousness. They learn how to free themselves from the past while not being unhinged from the wisdom to navigate this material plane, thereby engendering a new equilibrium between the forces that create their experience of consciousness. A new balance where fear instead of becoming something that controls, holds them back and blocks them from experiencing the heights beyond its horizon, instead is able to be used as a leverage point into higher consciousness while still tethered to the rope of wisdom that scaffolds them permanently to the self-insight that now instead of self-justifying fear, self-justifies the exhilitating of its prudent expansion. Teaching higher and higher levels of this leverage point to transform the awareness of false knowledge in consciousness to the transformation of consciousness via the embodiment of the truth of the knowledge that truly expands across the “Axis of Symbiotic Intervention” and through that the courageous losing of the “Axis of Cultural Dharma” into the beginnings of the experiencing of the beauty of the openings of the Lotus Flower of one’s new consciousness possibilities. An opening into the first time experience of channeling a dual self-universe hypnosis that is no longer with the cultural confetti that restricts my own independent self-comprehension of growth and my experience of truth with the divine. A shedding of “cultural karma” being an absolute necessity in the evolution of my own unique partnership with universal meta-realisation. Where “Pink” of wolf here is in the altruism of sharing experience that can add to the consciousness of the collective while encouraging its own independence, for how much better it is to live trying to fly if we know that we are able to be caught by the wisdom of fellow sentiences, as I have been caught in part in by my creativisatiom of Plato, the best of cinematic visions, Buddhism, Leo’s work obviously and more. So as much as there shouldn’t be any outsourcing between ourselves and the divine at the energetic level, intellectually, we rely on and often only push ourselves to mirror the least acceptable limits, however if we can cherish the nurturing of our divine connection, we also have a much better chance of cherishing the discernment of our own limits thus growing what would otherwise be a point of negational socialisation, like the conditioning of fear, instead too be a leverage point for self-determined creativisation we learn to manifest, create and reign in our own nature across unknown terrains in our conversations with the divine. Thereby bringing balance between the internal and external, social and intra-social, we bring balance to the release of unhealthy rigid anti-culture into instead the living out of the continued healthy co-creation of culture by coming at it from a place of peace, understanding and actualisation of our beings rather than something wended to program one another to believe in order to call ourselves a certain culture that isn’t predicated upon ideas that have survived the wilderness of our deepest sentience. In consolidating this integration and revitalisation into embracing the unknown depths of being, let me contemplate the patterns of consciousness that align with what I’m coining in light of the above as the “Axis of Integration” vs the “Axis of Disintegration”. “Axis of Integration” vs the “Axis of Disintegration”. Positive vs negative stimuli The automacy of the stimulation of stimuli is increasingly either positive or negative, regardless, there is a momentum in some direction and awareness on this feedback loop needs to translate into lessons that feed the intelligence of my intent, thereby channeling a higher intentful awareness. Being is charged by and in return charges the experience of consciousness through that medium of spiritual exchange between the perception of stimulus and the internal structure and function that regulates and evolves from it. Regulation: Bodily awareness. Where am I experiencing the interaction? What is the relationship between the psychism of the mind and the experiences that are being created in the feedback loop with the stimuli? More precision, where do I feel it in my heart, mind, gut and the rest of my body? Establish increasingly more precision and accuracy in describing this across all energy centres with good measurement on the interaction to feed awareness for the betterment of my ongoing evolution. In feeding the loop of higher integration, we have better differentiated categories, more precision in their sensory definition and greater accuracy in learning trials towards redefining towards a more enlightened positive. To its inverse, at the worse end we have self-justifying ego which becomes an expert at self-justifying its negativity. Positive/negative stimuli is to positive vs negative experience As above, increase the sophistication of my self-understanding of how the energy moves within my being and always and only see it as my own responsibility to continually empower the path towards my greater self-regulation and personal agency. I have spent far too much of my life separating soul consciousness from an examination and development of agency over the regulation of energy within my being and one of the consequences of that involved simply accepting the fete of whatever energetic frequency my being harboured whether it was depression or otherwise due to socially reinforced ignorance. I have now of course learned through my training that I have exponentially more power than I previously believed over my energetic frequency and it was just a public ignorance I allowed to perpetuate itself in every corner of my drive for self-understanding that explains my own just, clownish attempts really at carrying out a transcendent human experience. That’s where the fear is of course as well that I described earlier, the knowledge that I could have so much authorship over my own being is somewhat frightening for the parts of my ego that have spent so much of my life not having this power. And so, invisibly it negates my training that leads to this self-fulfilling freedom, a freedom that I alone create. It feels partly scary that I could create that for myself without ever having anyone else that I know of at least that exists to guide me in that achievement, to also do so when the mainstream thought on this runs so contrary to this level of self-actualisation in many ways, leading to a feeling of slight awkwardness in recognising how much further along my own self-understandings are in the nature of energetic being and our power to self-author our state with proper training. Rigid Linear Conventional Consciousness Stanzas versus Flexible Dynamic Creative Consciousness Stanzas Imagine the moment of any one experience of consciousness as analogous to reflecting the stanza of a poem. There are millions upon millions of stanzas, all attempting to encapsulate and generate a unique state of consciousness, in some way. Every state of consciousness is able to be poetically encapsulated, and this encapsulation is either something that is going to run along the lines of the left or right hand dichotomy. Utilise the energetic weight of this stanza, to meta-causally inform the next stanza and then through their further meta-realisation, I need to learn to practice this art of of constructive redefinition that follows the natural motion of consciousness to its next stage of transcendence. Realising the intelligence of this dichotomy really makes me see just how restrictively I’ve lived my own awareness. If I imagine reality as a world of millions of interconnecting dreams, I allowed too much my own dream to change based on the dreams of my sociocultural external, again I return to “Axis of Cultural Dharma”, however this is an even deeper layer there where I can see it act on me much more biographically rather than just seeing it via the stereotypical lens of cultural conditioning. I spent so much of my own life not only not knowing how to even look at my own dream without being energetically enmeshed in that external, I had no idea how to look at my own pursuits through the lens of owning them myself. At an unconscious level, I allowed other dreamers to influence how I created my own, which when viewed upon in this thought experiment of just imagining all of us asleep, it seems entirely absurd to allow anyone to have any senseless influence over the creativity of our dream. And this is where we simultaneously make sense of Cultural Dharma and the relationship between our sense of self and the influence of social objects, aka introjects, which superimpose themselves onto our self and therefore our dream creating inclinations, wrapping us in the mirror projective permanence of their energetic entanglement with our psyche. Which seems scary at first, but that’s only when its behaviour reflective on a foundation of Rigid Linear Conventional Consciousness Stanzas compared to utilising awarenesses energetic appraisal of consciousnesses intercommunication here as a leverage point into further opening into greater Flexible Dynamic Creative Consciousness Stanzas. Coupled here then, the practicing of identifying psychological schemas, introjects and projections as a leverage point for reshaping identity via this progressively fluid meta-realisation. The Pink Wolf to now, the Rainbow Wolf Behind the hidden veil of the earlier noted fear that’s arguably attempting to cloak itself in its agreeableness with the environment via gentlemanliness, aka the symbolic meaning of the use of “Pink” here where it pairs with “Wolf” as it concerns having the graduations of one’s consciousness out-string and out-stanza the most unshackled aspects of one’s intrinsic nature, is shame. Outside of my own intrinsic evaluation and that I hold myself to, I’ve been conditioned to simultaneously shame and bastardise my own animalistic nature and fit it through a dogmatically thin paper tube that’s appetizable to the surrounding constraining cultural norms, in doing so, there’s an unbridled recklessness that via this intercultural suppression, has no choice but to find explosion relative to the lack of awareness that's neither fortified by the wisdom that would guide this more maturely, something the lessons of the last 12+ months have really forcefully taught me to grow out of and into the next phase of development in my maturity. This dichotomy between the "Pink Wolf" and the "Rainbow wolf" visibly speaks as well to the limits of black and white thinking and how energetic contextualisations allow me expansion points into domains of consciousness that spread far beyond the limits of the initial confinements that lived prior to my awareness. Black and white thinking can be bindings of many kinds, from being too animalistic to too intellectual, both are traps however both must intelligently meet in the middle in order to truly transcend to the next level of growth. “Rainbow” is to the multicoloration of multidimensionality at every level of being and its bridging via the scope of interconnection. In my experience of viewing someone angry, quite often the person is totally encompassed by this expression, their inability to bring context to this encompassment being a reflection of the rigid inflexibility and lack of dynamic creative consciousness, as such they can often only experience one of a few different colours and if they are multicoloured it is only across different intervals. For example, the movement of anger to sadness to isolation to depression is just one of many alternate possible patterns. However the key of understanding here is that most are not able to become meta-aware enough that they can co-exist simultaneously in all of these states and leverage this awareness towards a positive internal good as the knowledge and intelligence of each is communicated back and fourth to all as opposed to being landlocked inside the rigidity of their linearity, as I know, having once being bound by the limits of this level of development once before. Awareness Bound Valuation on Intents is the Predetermination of Value Driven Beliefs Value Determination. Firstly, what needs to be recognised is that the changeability of my own beliefs on anything in the moment is entirely solely predetermined by the span of intents that I am able to hold in awareness and no less than this. To this end then, by the structure and function of my perception of my awareness so too is that the sword by which life will be seen or unseen by me and the depth by which I see, can experience and learn from this life. It is thus also then directly here where I can draw a line in the sand and say this is precisely where I can say a philosophy is either for life and thus reflective of what any purpose for life would be or it is instead reflective of a subconscious that is, in that moment, unconscious of how it instead has a life philosophy that worships death, however unknowingly.

@oMarcos dude gtfo of this asap. You're dreaming, not living. Very clear boundaries: what makes a relationship isn't the attachment its trait based. Attachment minus proper tested traits is actually what leads to you wasting your life filled only with regret if you're without either the sense of mind, deep life lesson or both. This is NOT a complicated situation. Act quickly with the paradigm shift. She clearly doesn't have enough empathy. Who gives a fuck why, whether it's lack of maturity, life experience or genuine deficit, measure what you actually see. That's what you're meant to do as a man and then respond to it objectively, decisively and with momentum. You lack wisdom and that's what's holding you back right now so you must have a serious look in the mirror, remove the ignorance, implant knowledge and your future self will thank you later. Traits create passion that's long lasting and therefore a meaningful attachment that you look back on fondly into your old age, attachments can create passion but without the traits the passion is instead a hollywood delusion ruining your life while you live totally in denial about it. Anyhow, we're here to share and grow from wisdom together so don't let me be the last commenter on this one! Very operationally, two traits I filter every relationship through now or rather the wisdom of it is purely chain reasoning around empathy and family. Pure, simple, beautiful. Done. Best wishes and Merry Christmas mate, sincerely I really hope it works out for you and everyone else struggling with any similar situations present/past.

Right into New Year's Resolution, yeah no messing about: Become the richest person in my country by the end of next year. I literally didn't give a fuck about my wealth yesterday, however as of today even though it's been looming in my subconscious for a number of months now, I am worried about my own future freedom, including the future freedom of people I love. So it's as simple as off-setting that. And yal know how much I've talked about that being an entrenched ideal in my genetics. This is probably going to be like my Bangkok run, I'll just make it to Phnom Penh but fuck, at least I'll make it to Phnom Penh by the end of next year and something will have to perhaps physically stop me from going any further as what happened with immigration heh. And it's pretty feasible. Thought I'd just jump right into it, get folk thinking about how they're going to step into the running tracks before Jan 1st. I'll start sharing my own financial creativity in January sometime after Eleftheria/MemVinci. And please remember previously noted disclaimer for all intensive purposes concerning all my share here. Without expressing it in my journal just privately criticise the fuck out of me in a way that advances your own critical thinking haha, as the stuff I'll be sharing will be advanced so as long as you're doing it in a way that's self reflective you'll only be advancing yourself and it'll drive your own passion to serve your own freedom in the right way. Heh, I love this journal space. I'd personally hate for my journal or any journal I have to go viral in any way, I prefer anonymity but I love a small flock in the right temperature to just share my mind without any hayfever. Love yah and Merry Christmas, sincerely, just go have a fun bash 🎄🌎👌. Find the love, find your own personal new years resolution to run out the gates with before the years beginning. Best Light.

@ShardMare Speaking of 'Special' just caugh the following on Facebook. I mean, people have lost their minds from Facebook now, that's abundantly clear Quote: "Hello my dear.... I am first hybrid bloodline of the Anunnaki and I was called Ib-Braham(a). I was also a Pharaoh and I and my army guarded the spaceport in the real Jerusalem. The common version of my name is tpday Abraham, Ibrahim or Avraham. I was King Art(h)ur and the most realistic version as a film about him was Guy Ritchie's film, which I saw once in 2007 at the Kabbalah Centre London - just like Madonna. I was Grand Master of the Knights Templar Jacque de Molay (Prieure de Sion), Thomas Beckett, Thomas Moore and El Morya Khan. And from Morocco, Persia to Scotland, many incarnations worldwide on this little world map of lies. The soul of El Morya lives in me. It took me 14 years to allow myself to say it, because NOW is the time for change! This dome construction of this ‘earth construction’ is unbelievably large, the current earth maps are falsified and there are Nibiru, Asgard, Sirius and and and underneath. The sky is so deep blue at night because our dome is surrounded by an infinite ocean. And we are not small and insignificant. But the part where you live has been manipulated into a matrix of incarnation without memory. I permeate you, I am nothing special, but I have full memory. I am HE, I am SHE, I am IT, I am EVERYTHING. Lightworkers, now is our time to step out of our shyness and be A King to serve God (THE ONE)!," And posts like these are the norms in so many demographics there, and that's just the start to tasting the spectrum of demographics on Facebook these days. I peruse their on occasion to take a walk through a sci-fi zoo when I need a touch of the bizarre to hit my consciousness and learn something from. And I thought people from here were off heh! Dude seems like an interesting guy to have a beer with but! I found this humorous only because I made a joke not long back that I went to a psychologist where through one of our "past life remission" sessions we learned that I was a pharoah and some other stuff, again just for humour. It's a George Carlin (the comedian) schtick. Sincerely, Merry Christmas yal, and no disrespect if you want to dress up as the baby Jesus and re-enact Bethlehem saying you were Mary, Jesus, one of the apostles or whatever, each to their own I guess! 🎄🌎 But genuinely, I hope everyone's not having it too rough and you're creating good family memories, or at least recalling and learning from them. Best.

I have a responsibility to complete what I setout to do here, however I've still got a bit of work to fully adapt to the medication. I'll figure it out eventually. Just not entirely sure when this mind-body mechanism will adapt; it's pretty challenging. At least this humbles me. In other news, deciding on wife qualities has never been easier for men these days. https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/real-life/news-life/gold-coast-porn-star-shags-schoolies-team-gets-evicted-from-airbnb/news-story/9c226dfa4f6f35464f9fb892697ce72e?dicbo=v2-QG1kpvF& I was so dazed from the incident and from the medication I kind of still am, so I never even bothered to get the details of the attending physician. She seemed like a normal woman. She taught me a lesson, after some introspection today I realised. It doesn't matter what ethnicity a woman is, what matters is her heart and consciousness development. In today's world, you need to minimise and prioritise criteria rather than either maximise or go with the flow, its paradoxical, you'd think you'd need a whole sleuth of things to vett through however in reality, you just need to identify cultures biggest problems and move in the opposite direction with respect to dating choices. Today it's cluster b personalities, especially those that are reactionary as in defense mechanisms which are the shadow variant of cluster b. Moreover it doesn't mean you vett for cluster b, instead you're just working to accurately scope the variation of empathy in someone. We've reached a point in society where because of our conformist behaviours, subconsciously empathy is actually being screened out rather than something you would normally just assume people look for, however because we're micro-expression screening organisms we're also unconsciously initiating micro-behavioral changes by the same indices, where before you know it, it's become the norm that empathy isn't even cared about perhaps even frowned upon within some social circles without the tribal group even being consciously aware of it to the point where if they were questioned on it, it would cause a chain reaction where there was some potential for redemptive change within the group, however for most cases in light of it only very rarely being flagged anyway, it would reduce back to the mean. So those are my two traits now, family and empathy and that's with friendships as well, I've mentioned family in the past. The two predict one another but they're both independent enough that it's rational to make accommodating shifts for both. Empathy is really the gold standard though to begin with, and it's just something everyone in light of today's culture needs to self educate themselves on as an intelligent reaction to unhealthy norms, like I'm a pretty savvy guy on this kind of stuff but I'm saying I need to work on the depth of my own system of understanding there, it's not easy. So everything now, a woman's intelligence, creativity, sensitivity, attractiveness, height, occupation, literally everything will be funneled through my own metrics for understanding the depth of how empathy 'behaves' in her versus where it doesn't 'behave' and why, it's also a fantastic foundation for how you understand someone as well. It's become so normalised now to not have our emotional needs met, it starts as a micro-expression that translates into micro-behavioral changes all the way to new broad social norms that characterise the limits of the humanity demonstrated to one another where said limits materialise it as mirroring something almost non-existent or arguably even a delusion. They've shifted from something that as a social norm partners as a whole culturally used to enjoy fulfilling to something that they treat like it's a job rather than a love to even not caring at all to being a complete burden. I now hold myself to a new set of personal standards concerning social norms now that I'm more deeply aware of these cultural issues we have in the west, vetting every possible micro-behavior I can within myself to take responsibility for the influence that I have, it's also the only real power we have over the cultural situation but it's a lot of power the more we can exert this discipline over our decision making. It's a decision that leads me to consciously understanding that more and more I have to workout how to monopolize my own individuality, however by the same token, it's the illusion of freedom and individuality that got us into this mess, so by the same measure also re-sourcing the people I choose to have around me, trusting their counsel given they're in my life because of the fact they're trustworthy people, not because I've ignored and made excuses for unhealthy behaviours in the past or just behaviours that I just... Didn't fully understand. I hope my self-admission here empowers others to contemplate the environment of their own consciousness in the behaviours that it manifests, that in saying so they too have the power if they want to build the awareness to identify patterns within themselves and assert with their own authority and philosophy what they deem a positive versus a negative adaptation for their own development, in this case for example I would cite my own past aggressions as one example of a compensatory behaviour that developed as a consequence of not knowing how to regulate the environmental influences of my own consciousness and by the same token, execute the level of personal responsibility that I was certainly capable of and that we may never know we're capable of until we have someone reveal by their own example that they can indeed make a choice, that it's within their power to chart their own course in their personal development with slow, mature, incremental appraisals and not only the right social influences hut also the right judgement calls on where their own individuality fits in the larger collective picture; removing their naivety on power they don't have and expanding the accuracy on their level of powers they do have is one behavioral adaptation that can bring enormous progress in someone's development. I would also cite how in the past due to cultural influences I've felt the need to be more narcissistic than I actually am, these days now I am more than happy to just simply choose company where I don't feel the need to act in any way that is outside my own personal integrity towards the continual building of my own character. As for medicine, wow, yeah this situation has coincidentally coincided in a strange way, I'm in no position to begin studies in 2025 and my GAMSAT scores will be valid for two years anyway, I'm just extremely grateful I did as well as I did to expand on my freedom of choice however at the same time, I don't think I've utilised that freedom as wisely as I could have in the past. For me, given Ukraine is not only not a wise decision for me early in 2025, medically I'm not going to get the clearance I need because of the epilepsy now and on top of that there's a few geopolitical red flags I'm still unhappy with concerning the conflict; becoming a medical doctor though long term for me just seems like a wise decision, including socially, and where for 2025 I will just focus on money, investment and preparing my mind in a way that I can strategize my studies to be as seamless as possible while living a full life as of course that's the biggest thing medical students struggle with the most during their education. In sum, to make it in this world today in the sense where you truly live an internally rich life you've gotta figure out a way to enjoy the process of going inside of yourself, objectively sorting out your own patterns and then like a surgeon, removing or even adding in carefully thought out behaviours that simultaneously you can do while still feeling in alignment with your true self. To do that though you've really gotta take complete ownership over who you are and what you're creating from moment to moment and that's super difficult for a lotta people especially when so many good people as well struggle when it comes to personal awareness. The best advice I have in that regard is just to be honest with where your struggles are and then socially, being honest with where there's influencers that either positively or negatively encourage the wisest movement forward for someone and making the judgement call there that's going to be within your wisest interest there. We don't get to choose how we're born or what we're born into, however, even in spite of any cavernoma your brains already moulded it's adaptations beyond, don't ever let anyone especially yourself convince yourself that you can't choose the patterns for how you proactively respond to the world. We design our own limits in as much as we're unaware of them, we get designed inside the gap of freedom we give the external world to run a muck; don't view the external as an enemy, no, it's a collaborator now and this collaboration has standards that need to be met that you won't fall below just as much as you don't accept any less, in this case, a translation of cultural vetting into familial design intelligence into responsible consciousness self-engineering; that's what's going to design the life self-authorship otherwise hidden foreground that's usually kept from view to something that's instead replaced by unconscious and unhealthy reliance on micro-cultural patterns. All the best for the Christmas holidays everyone 🎄.

@rachMiel well, to be specific it's not just a thought form, it's literally screwing with your identity. Ground yourself in that. Life is short man, it's not fun to let this stuff get the better of you. Merry Christmas, sincerely. Being away from the monotony of the middle of the year can make it easier for us to resonate with the parts of life that ground us in our humanity 🌲🌎.

@quantumspiral totally feel you man. I'm glad you posted this as well so I could share my answer as I've definitely thought about it and I can totally empathise with people whom don't even want to be a part of this world because there's so much suffering. Because I've already answered this for myself, I can give you an accurate perspective from my viewpoint. You've literally just gotta be real. If you are real, then you're never going to have parts of yourself that are unreal in which case you'll never have a mind that's clouded with the depressive illusions that can easily infect us and that we sometimes need to receive from reality to remember where to plant our feet on the ground. We especially in the west live in a fake world and there is so much suffering compounded even further because the west creates non-real value metrics that reward centres feedback loop on. By purely simplifying life and getting to the raw constituents of being without any nonsense outside of learning to creatively find your way to mastery, you become the antidote the world needs, without even grandiosely thinking of yourself as the antidote nor "what the world needs". Peace. Sincerely, find what comfort you can over this break. To whatever level you can I hope you find love, solace, strength and connection during Christmas. Best wishes 🌲 (and the same to everyone else).

@Husseinisdoingfine Americans cease to amaze me. I took in far too much of their nonsense today as an antidote to my own blindness to some of the messed up stuff in the world. Where other countries are just straight down the line, "yeah we got bombs and we explode stuff.. and ah... We also want your land", in America, they have spectrums of genres on how to master being toxic fools. To any American and elsewhere as I've got friends sprouted all round, just remember what this holiday season is about, visit your childhood and I genuinely wish you a warm cheer and great Christmas holidays 🎄, at least as much as is possible 🌎🙏.

@Flowerfaeiry yeah for me ego is just the boundaried self. And we need it for survival purposes. "Identity" is more along the lines of how I perceive your version of ego. I find it easier to separate them. Awareness is the differentiator and it's a bit like "magic" when it comes to being fooled and by the same power or more, seeing the patterns create themselves in real time.

@Basman I was a bit harsh before. I didn't watch the video. Teal did a good job. I didn't watch all of it. She just talks so much crap though for stupid people I wouldn't be able to do it, commend her to that end.

@rachMiel you're not a nihilist you're a human being, it's the biggest mistake philosopher types make. You've just got to unplug and replug back into the rawness of your experience. It's become hip these days to "see the matrix" but most of those folk don't see their own self-conceited bs. You've gotta connect and feel what it means to be human. I briefly heard in the news today that something like 3 quarters of today's youth in Melbourne have mental health issues. It's absurd. There's nothing wrong with your intrinsic experience, we're kind of meant to be human beings. Trust me, when you unplug from the digital matrix and you wakeup to purely what you are, not god, not vampires, not some Messiah, just purely what you are, all this nihilism stuff will vanish. And Merry Christmas 🎄, sincerely.

@integral I don't think you designed this life, I feel a whole bunch of people forgot to turn on their empathy when understanding existence and then gave their resulting thoughts a positive label then used their confidence to convince others of their thoughts. There's an other, and they're right now eating a salami sandwich somewhere wondering why you're getting tongue tied. We're just humans, intellectual grandiosity leads us to making proclamations that are cognitive steaks too big for our brains to digest. Venn diagrammatically, that's our delusional territory as a species. Sincerely, Merry Christmas 🎄 and I hope your environment is supportive of a good Christmas cheer and positive warm memories 🌍.

@caspex there's benefit to everything, chess is fantastic I got amazing insights from it, one those being deepening my understanding of abstraction. You're only limited by your creativity or character with respect to what you can learn from something. Lots of folk struggle with out of the box thinking so they give inside the box rationalizations on subjects. You should be asking yourself the question and then forming your own independent opinion based on accurate critical thought. Merry Christmas, sincerely.

@Shane Hanlon there so many evil, delinquent, rubbish fucks in the world that I am definitely pro-eugenics and not even first and foremost concerning physical genetics, I just mean morally speaking. If you're a good person, you've gotta sometimes go out of your way to download that stuff off the internet otherwise you're like me and you'll walk around a bit blind as to the disturbing demographics we have in society. Let's have exponential growth of a cockroach infestation, yeah not the brightest idea and I don't trust Musk's tripe less or more than I trust his enemies other than to say you've just gotta call bullshit where there's bullshit in these situations unless you personally know someone and even then, where are the conversational lines of truth drawn. Regardless anyone if you're reading this, just tell someone to have a great day and genuinely mean it for Christ's sakes the world's more and more getting off on the dumbest stuff just looking into the Luigi Mangione rabbit whole a little bit. Sincerely, have a great day yal! 🙏 🌍🎄

I feel so blessed to have figured out that I was having seizures in such accommodating circumstances, my doctors never figured out why I was waking up in extreme pains over the last few years. Well, I worked it out pretty quickly after I was alerted on Friday by a doctor that just happened to be walking by me at an airport where she saw me having a seizure bless her heart. It was the first time I've ever been informed by someone that I was having a seizure. This seizure medication has already had a really positive impact on my mind in spite of the incredible lethargy that I've already reversed engineered a way out of, and a bit of dazedness as caught on the video just above but it's really no biggie. If you want I can link it again here if it's difficult to find. No really it's no trouble at all, I'd love to share the video again. Oh you don't want me to share it again? You didn't like it? You don't like my true self? You got offended? It's just a video. Or not 'just a video' as it's me in it but you get what I'm saying. Anyhow, I've been thinking of printing t-shirts for one of the certain freeze frames on that video if you're interested. Just sayin. It's naturally irresponsible for me to share the kind of medication publicly, however needless to say it's radically altered the way I perceive my own mind in spite of the massive impact it's had on me and the fact that I've never taken drugs before outside a little bit of marijuana, antibiotics and some neurofen has only enhanced the impact. Granted, it's still going to be a learning curve in terms of overcoming side-effects however it's now led to completely new ways by which I steer my own development. Anyhow I'm just going to replant this Christmas message here below to leave this journal in a good spot. It's a little ruminative but that's just the medication, it's now finding equilibrium so the worst of it is over, the rest of it is just up to building my own internal relationship with the medication. Even though it's just a very basic medication, I'll never view my own mind in the same way again. Yeah so, the medication has had a totally unexpected reboot for me. All the best for this holiday break I'll be fine, Merry Christmas 🎄. Stay safe, stay strong and... Remember your homeliest memories for this Christmas.

So the cavernoma has been confirmed...

Christmas Haunted Hospital and Lessons to Learn from the Carol Sphere: The days here in the hospital are becoming increasingly indistinguishable even though this night at the haunted house of comic variation of Ghost Buster's has only just begun, as though time itself is quietly slipping through the cracks of the sterile walls around me, injecting bubbles into my skin on the strike of midnight forcing a floating to the ceiling for nurses in the morning to preach that they'll be reducing my medication from now on. The hum of machines, the distant murmur of footsteps indistinguishable from spiritual friend or foe, everything seems to echo with a rhythm I can barely grasp, each second passing as if it were part of something larger, something I can almost understand but can never fully reach other than to say that on the edge of all enquiry, humorous and otherwise, I deeply miss my father and I have no doubt staying in the hospital under the conditions I am including being back in my home country reminds me of my father's late stay much more. I can’t help but feel as though I’ve wandered into a space between spaces sometimes as I try to build a trench between my thoughts so I can take the time to reflect on what my mind builds, neither fully here nor entirely there, where the past and future bleed into one another, losing their distinct boundaries, and for me at least that's hardly glass behind glass I see myself from solely because of the medication; there's an existential yearning, a deeper spiritual closure I seek with my father, that we all seek with our loved ones concerning the movement of life as it departs from ours. I find myself sitting with this feeling, tracing the outline of time, like someone searching for meaning in the fog sometimes as I stare out the window where there's a helipad not far from me. The silence presses in, and yet it somehow feels familiar, there's no chimney here but if Santa wanted to, he could come through the window here given there's helipad access from my window and yes, my adventurous side has certainly thought of it, both the child in me dares me while reminding me of early childhood memories of the looming Christmas and the films that surrounded, Home Alone Three was a big one for our family for many years; everything just felt.. special. Like home. The times of his times used to be not just generational but historically without this digital era, when it didn’t feel like something to be managed or measured, but something that simply was, in the same way our freshly cut Christmas tree simple "was", it didn't need to do anything it could just be the beauty of nature both in life and, following it's natural course. I can’t help but think of the years long past, before the weight of responsibilities and decisions started to press down on me. Back then, there was a magic to time, a sense of wonder. I remember Christmas from when I was a child, how the entire season felt like it carried with it an essence that couldn’t be captured, but could only be felt in the quiet moments leading up to the day where my younger redheaded sister and I would playfully fight over where we were going to sleep underneath the tree. I’d stay awake at night on Christmas Eve, we'd listen to Christmas carols and roast marshmallows in the fireplace, and then when put to bed waiting for morning with the sparkling lights above we'd know something incredible was just around the corner, but not quite yet, we could feel my mother and brother moving about as elves placing presents around as gently as possible in the sacks and under the tree but still we held the dream within before it was spoiled. The anticipation itself was the gift, not the wrapped presents, not the food or the decorations. It was the feeling that the world was full of endless possibilities, each moment loaded with potential. Time felt different then, in that simplicity and we were treated in that way as well. We weren't spoken to or posed questions like we were going to generate encyclopedic responses or write the next Frederich Nietzche in our following sentence, we just were like the tree, accepted with the flow of the rest of the environment in the way it unfolded like a story still being told. Each day leading up to Christmas stretched on forever, and yet, somehow, it never felt like a burden, it was an adventure, a slow reveal of something yet to come. The pine cone collection, the long walks and explorations in the backyard and neighbourhood followed by the 6:30pm ritualistic rich smell of dinner that would flow from the kitchen seemingly out to wherever we were far enough that it would grab our attention to return as dutiful soldiers back to our holiday barracks. I can still recall the stillness in the air, the quiet excitement that built with each passing hour. It was a kind of magic, the kind you can’t hold onto, the kind you can only recognize in retrospect. Now, I find myself looking back at that version of time, at the simplicity of it all, and feeling a loss. The thought of losing dad, mum or any of my siblings never crossed my mind as a possibility and reflecting on everything now makes me realise how oblivious and vulnerable my own love for everyone around me was. There was something undeniably beautifol about those years, before the world asked me to grow up, before I had to start keeping track of minutes, hours, days. Time became something that had to be controlled, regulated and responsible for, just to keep up with the demands of an adult world. But even as time has sped up, there are moments when it pauses as I remember to take in my father's sense of humour and my mother's desire to cook a loving meal, when everything slows down just enough for me to take notice beyond own intellectual drunken stupor. Maybe those are the moments I should cherish the most as well, when I can just sit at a dinner table and laugh in hysterics with family and friends where my mind it's totally unpreoccupied with the next intellectual dilemma I'm trying to solve. It’s not the anticipation of something that’s coming, not the pressure to perform or succeeed during holiday times, but the moments that seem to hang in the air, suspended that really captures everything, that's when you know you can really feel safe and that, you've got everyone's safety too in your desire to protect them. Those are the moments that remind me of the Christmases I used to know, the ones where time didn’t feel like it was slipping away, but like it was something to be savored, that the rest of the world's didn't exist other than all of us around the same time of year co-contributing to the energy field of the spirit of Christmas. If I can’t hold onto the slowing of time while looking at my slowly evaporating marshmallow in my hit chocolate as a kid, then perhaps I can learn to appreciate it for what it is. Not as something to rush through, but as something to live through. To breathe through, a way to learn to rebreath is what I believe holds as something more on the other side of the lessons of Christmas for me to come that I look forward to. I’ve realized that the rush of daily life, the constant ticking of the clock, can’t be avoided. It’s inescapable, even the clockwork here in the hospital. But there’s a kind of beauty in allowing time to flow around me without always feeling the need to control it, at least, that's a powerlessness I've just had to embrace while being here stuck in a hospital bed allowing me to a get a new perspective on consciousness in this period of the year. The struggle to manage each moment, each decision among all of us, there’s a certain exhaustion in that, a weight that seems unnecessary now even in its mastery. I think back to when I was younger, when life seemed so full of possibility, and I wonder if maybe, just maybe, the key to living fully is in letting go of the constant need to be in charge, at least to a degree. Instead of rushing to the next thing, perhaps I need to simply exist in the now, to breathe and observe, to take in each moment as it comes, without fighting against its current. Sometmes, in the quiet of this hospital room, I find myself wondering about the path that has led me here. How did I arrive at this point, and what of it is mine to control? The noise of the outside world, the weight of the decisions I’ve made, it all fades in these moments of reflection. And in this space, in the absence of distraction, I realize that what I truly seek is peace. Not peace as the world defines it, but peace within myself. A stillness that isn’t bound by the ticking of the clock or the pressure of time. Time moves forward, granted, but it doesn’t have to drag us along with it at the speed it demands. We can choose how we respond to it. We can learn to let it pass us by, not with resistance, but with understanding. This hospital room, this sterile space, feels both temporary and eternal, as though it exists in some place between those temporal gaps I brought up, almost as if I can slip through we extra-dimensions. I can’t help but see the parallels between this space and the way time works in my life, how my own mental exhaustion is the personification of the opposite I experience in existential limbo. Everything seems fleeting, but in those fleeting moments, there is such depth, such potential. I feel the surge to grasp it, but then I'm restrained by the physical calamity. The fleeting moments were the first thing I noticed upon my return to Australia, the obliviousness of the special expanse of time while simultaneously people were totally ensnared by its most rigid perception, the same dimensions I felt myself entrained in. The truth is, time doesn’t need to be feared or avoided. It’s not something that needs to be conquered. What if instead of trying to outrun it, we could find a way to embrace it, to let it carry us forward, to maximise our riding of the energetic waves we create together during our deepest moments? There’s an art to that, a subtle kind of grace. It’s not about letting time overwhelm us; it’s about understanding that we are participants in it, not its victims. Perhaps it’s not the seasons or the milestones we count that make time meaningful, but the small spaces between those events, the quiet moments when the world seems to hold its breath, when everything feels suspended just long enough for us to take it all in. I think back to those childhood moments under the tree with my sister and playing with my next new toy with my brother's who's pretending to have a lot of fun, the quiet before the storm of presents, love and food, the excitement building, not in the external world, but in the space of my own imagination; there's both a longing there and a magic there that I have to appreciate for its force to truly empathise enough that the lessons can be learned. That was where time lived then, in the spaces between the clock’s tick, in the breaths taken before not just something new arrived but where we all got to arrive to one another, safely, lovingly and completelye free to be ourselves. Time, with all its insistence, its forward motion, leaves us with a paradox from the mirror of Christmas, it is both the fleeting of moments of love held in memory and yet the eternality of its intentionality that truly make it beyond the materialism, where the materialism if anything, achieves what it setout, to be the mere decorations of what is a family and community ritual of love and cheer. And perhaps the only way to reconcile that paradox is to accept that we are not the masters of time in this sense as expressed, but its companions. We are not here to fight it, to bend it to our will, but to learn to move with it, to flow alongside it, in rhythm with its silent carol. As I sit here in my hospital bed still, waiting for answers, I feel something shift inside me. Maybe it’s the recognition that time, in all its forms, its rushing, its pausing is a gift, not a curse. If I can learn to navigate it with grace, with acceptance, then maybe I’ll find something that has always eluded me, peace. Not the peace of stillness, but the peace of being fully alive, fully engaged with each passing moment, however it comes. And if I can do that, if I can truly learn to live in harmony with time, then perhaps I will finally understand what it means to live, not just to exist, but to truly be in the way I know my father would want me to remember him. And as I reflect on all of this, I can’t help but wonder if this sense of time, this space between past and future, is something many others have felt as well in their reflections during this period. I don’t know if others experience time the same way, but there's a beauty in it the more souls that do who may just understand the rhythm, the pulse of it all. It's like, in the collapse of those gaps between space, it's another way you can resonate with another when you know they just get your experience. Time, in its strange way, always brings us back to the present. And here, in this moment, I find myself quietly thankful for the stillness, for the opportunity to reflect, and for the potential of what may come next, even if I am stuck in this bed awaiting my MRI results. At least they've hung Christmas lights and decorations around and if I'm here till Christmas, heck I don't see why someone like me wouldn't figure out a way to open the window to sit up on the helipad on the night before Christmas with a hot chocolate to help me get back to the early days of the night before Christmas. Now as for the energetic spirits I seem to be noticing and experiencing at night? Well I don't have anything Einsteinian there to surface unfortunately, and unless I get myself a Proton Pack which is what I believed they used, I'm stuck reminiscing old can-do Ghostbuster films to make it through the eerie night. And who knows, maybe there's something more at play I can integrate into my experience from their influence; open-mindedness. All the best for the break.

Fly Me To The Stool. - A new sky. A new pattern. The nurse, with a touch of urgency, asks, "Michael, when was the last time you had your stool?" Without missing a beat, I reply, "Oh, maybe 36 hours, 22 minutes, and 25 seconds ago." "Okay. You sure?" she presses. "Why, are you planning to witness the next one? It's fine, I’m selling tickets, but I’m not sure you can afford them," I respond, amused. "No, that's not it. I just really want to know," she says, an undercurrent of sincerity in her voice. "I get it often. People just approach me on the street with the same curiosity, it's like a hook they think will reel me in," I offer, wryly. "I’ll check in with you in about 3 hours," she says as she turns to leave. Now a rif/improvisation of "Fly Me To The Moon/Stool". As I reflect on the encounter, I can’t help but notice how strange it is to be here in the hospital, yet with no other option but to occupy myself. I’m disconnected from computers and laptops, a deliberate choice. While it leaves me at a disadvantage when it comes to journaling, especially with this tiny keypad and an out-of-sync video camera that I call my new cheap phone, there’s something oddly freeing about it. The world keeps spinning, and I’m here still, in a room where time is less relevant than the rhythm of my own thoughts. Meditation feels like the next logical step in this space of nothingness. The COVID diagnosis hangs heavy, though there’s a hint of hope for clarity with the MRI scheduled for Monday. It could be a cavernoma something you can look up reader, months of medication, they say, but I don’t see it that way. It’s not the meds that matter. It’s what happens next, what this moment invites, regardless of what the curtain reveals. Fuck meds I say. As I mentioned in a previous post, I no longer invest in phones or laptops. That’s why you're at an advantage, dear reader, with your digital journaling. But me? I'm stuck with this outmoded setup, a small keypad, a camera that can't quite sync itself to my audio. It’s clunky, but it's my method now. The truth is, I’m not sure what path lies beyond this hospital. I feel like I'm wandering through a mansion of my own making I call a self. Every floorboard creaks underfoot, every door is coated with the dust of the past, and my ghosts linger in the halls. There’s this looming cloud over everything that doesn't feel as bright as I was brought up to believe, humanity. It's as if every moment of peace I manage to create is quickly overtaken by the relentless weight of the lack of altruism in the world towards one another, the contrast in particular from the east has left me unsatisfied from the west, and I’m left grasping for something more solid, something lasting, something that... I will have no choice but to call my own in the same natural skeletal rawness I spoke of in my previous post. The existential irony is painful, the search for meaning, the hope that somehow I can outwit the illusions we all build for ourselves. It all feels like trading one delusion for another as I parsed in my writing here four comments ago. There’s something larger at play here, though. I can sense it. The mind, in its vastness, exists beyond its own self-imposed limits. Right now, I feel as though I’m fumbling with an ancient key, trying to unlock a room in the mansion of self whose contents remain a mystery. I wonder what world I’ll discover behind that door. And once I cross the threshold, I’ll have to shut it behind me, leaving the familiar behind. It’s nullifying as "I'm trying this once more haven't I done this?" No further still the voice says, but also necessary, because it’s only in this journey that I can understand the structure of the self I’m constructing, timber board hy timber board, in this strange and unfamiliar space. Cavernoma as they're so far predicting, a mere dubious munchies medical term, doesn’t define me. It’s a hiccup on the road, a taxi driver that had a drink before beginning our trip and so needs just a couple of extra detours plus an unspoken promised discount I'll ask out of him by the time we're done. The real question is what happens when the curtain rises? What new room awaits me? Maybe as even as far as, "Well you're not going to let me reach for what I really want in this life? Well I don't have to live it then I will instead slowly die still trying to reach my aims so that I am not fooled from the truth of its truer substance," This exploration isn’t about fixing or solving, it’s about sitting with the unknowing, returning to what I always was, letting go of all of my social referential points while still having a voice that can sing Fly Me To The Moon and not have it so easily replaced with the myopic perception of its overlap with what's to come from AI already, and what's knocking on every musicians door; feeling, differentiating, feeling, differentiating. It’s a moment to take apart the patterns of my mind, trace them back to their origins, and watch as they unravel. There’s power in observing the mechanisms of the self, in understanding the logic that creates us, and the awareness that precedes all action. What remains on the other side of this reflection? What is the pattern that will find me when I emerge from this room of shadows?

Title: Hey dad, seems I'm a knocking. And you're replying with this next evolution of mine. Miss and Iove you. Truth of your eternity is your existence in my impact. In the precipice of an unexpected minor existential crisis that I carry on my brow while shooting up the tavern filled with all of John Wicks enemies now, one being this looming diagnosis of cavernoma unfurling like a multi-dimensional riddle, without the dry fix of vodca at the end of my glass after putting all the blood to the walls. One that defies not just medical comprehension but the very notion of agency that I have long held as a defining characteristic of selfhood, putting a straight jacket on me reflecting my earlier thoughts today that I felt like a character in the film One Flew Over the Cucko's Nest. The paradox I confront is not merely the fragility of the vessel I inhabit, but the dissolution of the self-concept itself under the unbearable weight of its own inevitable collapse, separating me from the deeper conversation I was forming with my brain and heart, this couldn't just be a coincidence, another challenge before me to test what I could do with a broken spirit. Here, the dissonance is not limited to the body; it penetrates deeper into the fabric of meaning that unfolds from the depths of my heart. For what is will, that most exalted force, if it cannot maintain its supremacy against the undeniable tide of fate and it cannot do so unless it's only surrender is that to the will of the heart? And yet, I feel the refusal within me to yield, as if surrendering would reduce life to a mere mechanical process, devoid of essence. A part of me would just love to curl up into and disintegrate into a pile of leaves where my spirit finds its way back to my father, abandoning this world, for it has so many of my own disappointments thus what is my response to those post this ailment given this is now potentially one more? As Simon and Garfunkel reverberate through the corridors of memory, sound blasting my ears while the nurse takes my bloods beside me, their harmonies emerge as more than just echoes of the past as they're an invocation, a bridge between temporalities, where the flux of the past and future is manifest in the beat of each heart. Their music ceases to be nostalgia; it becomes a dialectic between the self I was and the self I am becoming in my meeting with my late father. It is a reminder not merely of what was where I was first taken away by their music as a kid listening in the car in our travels up the mountains for skiing but of what persists beyond the transient self, a connection to the deeper currents of being that remain unaltered by the ravages of time. Herein lies the question... What is will in the face of an immutable reality? When the corporeal self is destined to succumb to forces beyond its control, what is left for the mind to cling to? The will does not resist fate; it integrates it, acknowledges the fragility of existence, and yet moves beyond it. Perhaps true will is not an act of defiance but an acceptance so profound that it transforms the very nature of what it means to be. In this synthesis, resistance and surrender are not antagonistic forces but mutually defining aspects of the will’s deeper truth. This is not merely a struggle for survival; it is a confrontation with the very structure of life, the entrails of memory ripping away at me in my gut and the reluctance to accept my present consciousnesses boundaries over how it creates the limit between myself and it's visions of growth. To experience illness in its most raw form is to encounter not an obstacle, but an opportunity, the invitation to reshape the boundaries of self, to reimagine what it means to be in a world that is always in flux, where most men wouldn't dream of either knowing how to take a bullet from John Wick or be John Wick when it came to the protection and redemption of the cutest creatures being his pet dog. Here, the diagnosis ceases to be a death sentence; it becomes a crucible for transformation, a process of becoming that cannot be divorced from the meaning we generate in its wake, however my visions of the past are so divorced from to the adaptations I see myself as having to make that I still have more time to submit to in terms of reconciling all the aspects of myself of who I am, this story though I feel so drained from continuing to create, this existentialism seems myopically unreal to the point where when I place my hand on my veins here, the pulse of cynicism becomes an unavoidable truth I don't know what to do with yet. In this context, the struggle is not to survive but to transfigure my deepest openings that sprout to create my unchangeable universal identity, to transcend not only the limitations of the physical body but now also all the mental constructs that tethered me from anything between an illusion of permanence to the illusion of cultural identity. The tragedy is not in the confrontation with mortality but in the failure to see the unbounded potential in every moment of existence and be shackled by every limitation that reflects this failure while looking to the world for meaning, its unmistakably... Why so many struggle. It is not enough to endure; one must reconstitute the very conditions of meaning, and they cannot be rigid. Why is it a sin to contemplate my own passing? Where I evaporate into dust where I am here in one moment and gone the next? Is there going to be a simpler means by which I will be taken away in the future anyway? Thus how can I justify the living if it is not as simply as I came into this world and will leave it? Rather than be filled with all the mirages that have caused such cynicism to run through my veins. I shared earlier in this journal that my biggest lesson I learned from my travels was love, which is true, however it is also truth. The truth to just allow to be the most simple, pure and beautiful aspects to all existence, starting with yourself. We create a grand stage of illusions from the start of our lives to their end spending little mental recourse on our births and deaths for how they come together to tie the knot of every appearance in between and therefore the interlocking of that which is real and the separation with that which is mere illusion. For any great future challenge, it is not a great challenge for me. It is of simple aptitude and there is little need for anymore colour to provide the venture with esteem. If I want to do it I do it. If I want to die that way I'll be prepared to die that way. However I will not have humanity, our species that is struggling to tell itself the truth and give itself the love it needs over the simplest things, to have any stake over how I define myself and to entertain any notion that it ever did in my life, I will instead accept the fact that I was fooled to believe in a trend I shouldn't have, and that I will just unite more deeply with the foundations of truth pertaining to intrinsic identity given to all of us from the universe. Life is no longer exciting in the stereotypical sense anymore, in fact I now feel that I am just growing into the skin of an Elder even if my body is still young. I live, not of solitariness of thought but in solidarity of being, needless of nothing but the truth unable to be stimulated by anything that admonishes against it by that very degree, preparing for and maturing beyond further still, the leaves of burning ashes that will one day take me away. I am no longer excited by my own goals I am excited by my own intrinsic will to simply be nature first and foremost, it doesn't feel authentic otherwise, in fact it feels like I was taught by society to have those goals to cover my authenticity, but now, I've realised, I can peel one more further onion layer back. On that note; thanks dad for helping me become the person I am meant to be by nature's sword and not the world's around me, returning to the simplest, purist and strongest existence, just as I most strongly remember you.

Postponement of 25th possibly, COVID-19, Seizure and more brain scans: I have COVID 19. Legit. Just got tested following hospital stay for my first ever seizure/variation (potentially). Not sure how long I'll be in the hospital. Waiting on doing an MRI. Have had already done two other brain scans I'm looking forward to getting the results back on, going to be pretty badass when I get results back as I do have a mate that is a neurologist he's just not in my city. Apparently there's a bit of bleeding in the left hand side of my prefrontal cortex, bleeding of which they refer to in the brain when it's a seizure as a postictal hemorrhage /related. Naturally expectations have changed for release on 25th but. Will just take life as it comes and be grateful for what I have. I was told given the circumstances in which it happened (smashed my head on the tiles following) I could have easily died yesterday. I did the GAMSAT here in Australia a few months ago just to see how I'd go, I scored at least in the top 2% found out not long ago so the options there if I want to start medicine next year however I still have other ambitions I want to complete beforehand if I do. I accept my own death all I'm all I'm not trying to speed the process up. Regardless it's a good time to introspect on life, death and the future including medical studies I'm really glad I made my post just previous as it's set me up for reconciling it with today's revelations, making the existential distinctions I have really brings me at peace with my own passing, underneath the last nearly two years I've secretly just wanted to be with dad but I know it's not my time. I should be fine yal. More challenges await. All the best for this Christmas!

Literally just had a seizure at the airport. Albeit not the greatest thing to have happened, during the midst of being aided by hospital staff I, and I'm not making further light of my previous post thats just for kicks and I'm actually glad it happened as it deepened my humility following the previous post... came up with a new way to reconstruct the limits of self from moment to moment. Realising that any perception of self awareness to begin with is an intersectional limit and there's a co-creative relationship between networks that create that limit from moment to moment which alters relative to our interaction with that limit which, as I've done and most of us have done our whole lives, have thought of that limit as non-malleable, especially from moment, and this is of course already been disproven from hundreds of studies spanning the effects of physical exercise to technologies like tdcs to meditation to doing something as simple as having a debate with someone in the spirit of good fun. What is the practical value of this? As I've expressed before, there's a clear fundamental difference between the intersectional self and the true self, the awareness, the life spirit that supersedes our regular moment to moment activity and it's fluctuations. Evolutionarily, we're pre-biased to perceiving people precisely through this way however which isn't at all surprising because ego constructs that imperception in real time unless we diligently spend the time to train ourselves to understand ourselves through the co-creative network limit with respects to how it re-creates our identity from moment as opposed to taking the creation of our perception of the present moment for granted, and at the end of the day that's just a natural byproduct from slowly advancing our self knowledge via self-enquiry, social intelligence including its corresponding experiences, science and philosophy. I'm sharing this here as I never write anything down all things being equal and I don't want to replicate Chris's experience as expressed in the video just above of course in terms of either writing something down and losing it or not writing it down and just forgetting it; humour. To make it clear, I like Chris just based on what I know of him, however we need to demonstrate leadership on every area of human enquiry which includes the functioning of ego, it's not about bringing Chris down like I don't actually endorse the video outside of the humor of it which is the only place where I would bridge it's exposure with existence otherwise I don't like to see anyone's reputation, public perception unnecessarily or overly injured in anyway given the lack of fairness of doing so. Darkmatter whom I've only just learned about has done a great job with the video, I was laughing so hard, however in general I think Chris has had a little too much of things like the video for what is stretching beyond a decade now. We've all got areas regarding the way our identities are created through that co-creative interaction between networks, grounding ourselves with the enormity of the universe and the magnitude of moment to moment collective experiences is the bare foundations for how we can not only bridge ourselves with beginning that journey it's also the creative space for how we can cross-reference personal experience with our knowledge of our collective universal experience by transposing what we learn regarding the network functioning of others into how we can more deeply reflect on and understand our own experience in that greater social context. I feel like Chris could learn and progress his own means of relating his own memetic structure to his deeper self from personal coaches that specialise in marketing that would be able to benefit his brand image to improve the way others perceive him. We don't live in a perfectly moral world so there's always going to be people that will try to hurt anyone, however it would be a great start. I think the original interviewer of Chris had good intentions as well however he was obviously a bit naive in constructing his own perception about how Chris was going to be perceived by not just demographics that would genuinely empathise with at the very least curiosity and admiration for Chris but also those... Well, you know right.