Ioana

Today clicked for me. I had always thought of self-healing as a process. But instead I found something else. Let me tell you a story… _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I went through immense suffering (psychological, self-aggravated) past 2 or 3 years now, depression, destructive anger, wanted my life to end, I wanted all loved people in my life to disappear, die or to leave me in my unimaginable suffering and sense of futility. All my life I had this feeling. It only grew. In different points in my life I dedicated myself to some kind of introspection, observing people, study psychology, grew a big fan of NLP, hypnotherapy, time line therapy. But no technique, or psychotherapy could get me the relief of the suffering that just was there. It was not an unwanted emotion (as anger, guilt, fear, sadness, shame), it was suffering. How could I have this state of suffering as the oldest sensation in my body …? How does one make suffering? At some point in my life, someone referred to my condition with the term of Undeveloped Self. It’s true I never really knew what I really wanted, even in the simplest aspects of life, most of the time I was accepting the will of other on me, mainly from a sense that I lacked the power to impose my will, to make that difference. As an adult I used the classical addictions (work, food), various ways of procrastination… to numb me in forgetting the sensations inside, the continuous pain. We may also say that I had a strong External point of reference as a meta-program (or more simply said, I was a people pleaser), and built my life on the perceptions of others perception of me, acting according to what others needed me to be, building my self-image from their opinions of me, from their affection or lack of affection. You can imagine, that didn’t feel true. I didn’t feel real. I lost the sense of life. I only found meaning for short periods of times in bringing service to others, to the world, and I continued to live with the suffering that just grew (and presented itself more and more acutely in my life, I was screaming inside of continous pain). __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ We found early on as NLP students that “The map is not the territory”, that what we call reality is actually a “map”, bits of information that our mind (mostly unconscious) selects from the immense information found in the real world, or the “territory”. But the territory is not only the world outside of us…. but also, what it is inside of us. And this map conditions our way of viewing the world. Another important presupposition of NLP is that “Perception is projection”. What we perceive in others is a reflection of one’s self. You may figure that given my story, it was really easy for me to identify suffering in other people’s lives. I thought that in relieving other’s pain, maybe I could figure out how to solve mine. I became a doctor... Only to observe more how people were attached to their suffering and to their life story… what irony I sense in this statement now. How others are actually the mirrors for us to see ourselves in it. I mostly lived my life numbed, in an unconscious hypnotic trance… with my eyes wide shut. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ So, this evening, I’ve stumbled upon some questions, that did magic… just shifted things for me. How we create the “map”? Or even more…. who creates the “map”? What I learned this evening was that, there is no map without somebody to create it. And the one that created the map is part of the same reality as the map. We cannot put ourselves outside the map we build. Or, we are part of the world that we observe. It’s a paradox.... a part tries to understand the whole which contains it. Some have called this “entangled hierarchies”, some have symbolized this paradox as the mythical creature the ouroboros, biting its own tail and forming a “loop”. So… How can we change something which we are part of? My attention was always on the hole of the “loop”. What shifted today, was that I brought my attention outside the closed “loop” What if…. I bring my attention to a level which I cannot represent with a “map”? And I clicked. This was instant awakening for me. Consciousness. Suffering freed. I realized instantly I had the ability to change what I see in the world inside and out, and this came with an infinite sense freedom and possibilities on how I can choose to look at the world. As we see the “territory”, we can modify the map instantly as we bring it to our conscious attention. In other way, we may have to bite ourselves, but we can always choose to bite another part of ourselves. The map of the world INFLUENCES us, but we CREATE the map. We are the head of ourselves. We become creators of our reality (*). I cannot say that suffering will be gone forever :). What I can say is that this last question just... unmade suffering for me. I have a different sense of myself, I feel free, I have glimpses of amazing possibilities in the future. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ How all of this happened?. Well, it took place after a desperate Google search on “how to be free from suffering nlp point of view”, which brought me to the book of Marco Paret, NLP3 and Quantum Psychology for Beginners (Google’s IA did magic for me this evening :)) ). I attribute my new gained freedom to the lessons I’ve found in this book (*). I am really grateful for this platform and to you all. May this story bring you hope, love, serenity.

Today's motivation:

Dear Diane, I've been reading your posts for some time now, probably since the beginning. It felt like I had a companion in my quest, and I would very much like to thank you for sharing your experience. Unfortunately my schedule is very tight, but I hope some day I will share with you my experience. For now, I think it would be useful for your quest to search more about "META-health". Tom Bilyeu has a Youtube Channel with a section - Health Theory, that I recommend. Also, be aware of the fact that patients will benefit immensely by the simple fact that you truly believe in their limitless potential ... wether it is to be a better person, or in (better) perfect health, or more concious etc. And that you can also limit them, by believing otherwise. Lastly, I share this quote with you: "Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen, few in pursuit of the goal." (Friedrich Nietzsche) Just fight for your goals Diane, give all you have for it, believe in your limitless potential and hope amazing things will follow. With all my heart, I wish you a wonderful journey! Ioana (just another doctor)

I begin this journal hoping that writing in it regularly will keep me hooked to my main objectives this year. But firstly a few words about me. I am 28 years old, finished medical school, and I am simultaneously into both clinical and scientific training (since in my country it is permitted). In three months now I will give the exam to obtain my clinical practice certification in the specialty I have chosen after finishing med school. So studying will be my first priority. Also, I have left 1 year and 8 months until I have to finish my PhD research and thesis, with an ongoing 2 years fellowship that will finance a part of the research project. And during all this time I have classes with medical students, mainly for financial reasons. On a personal level: I have a beautiful family and a lovely 11 months old daughter. Pursuing this career requires a lot of my time, and you might ask why I chose to have a baby so early and not after finishing the trainings. Well, I somehow thought that for a doctor there will never be a perfect time to give birth and I hoped that the baby will grow along with all the professional accomplishments. My childhood/adolescent dream was to find balance and to bring balance to the world, but after transitioning to adulthood it has been hard to follow this thought. Now after becoming a mother thing have complicated a lot. I think I have heard Tony Robbins saying that there is no work and family balance, but only work and family adventure. Well, in this journal I want to talk about the details, the struggles and the joys in my path… in this adventure. I hope to write soon. Have a lovely day!