Beans

You lashed out after I made a comment about calling you an animal because you didn’t bring your epiPen just in case of an allergic reaction.

All I could think of was things you’ve said I feel conflicted. Part of me wanted to enjoy our time together. The other part was seriously questioning everything. Doesn’t matter where we are. I felt that you weren’t paying attention to me while at the restaurant. Though I dropped it, because I was afraid of how the heat and stress would affect you. I enjoyed reading beside you. Everything was going wrong. I became more stressed worrying I’d screw up our date. I was too stressed to ask for help. And eventually felt dehydrated, I also wanted to share your snacks, but felt like I’ve already been enough of a bother. I felt shame. And like a burden, because you already bought me a cake and tea. All I could hear in the back of my mind was “I think you like this” I felt afraid of eating. All I could think of were your comments in our last argument. How you were going to an event they didn’t have a vegan option. You made a comment about them being pigs, because they were eating meat. I feel afraid of your judgements. I felt after you made that comment. That you were passively telling me that after upsetting you, because it wasn’t until I entered the shelter did I began eating meat again. My dad would tell me “if you think it’s so bad here why don’t you leave?” the same person who ruined my life. Saying just leave. If I could I would. though I’m completely on my own. Pure torture.

So much went wrong today. I really enjoyed my cake and tea. Thank you. I would’ve liked to share your popcorn. I also felt really dehydrated but felt scared to tell you. I felt afraid of asking. I am sorry for having you pick up my tab. I wish I could literal shrink and not exist. I wish i was a rock. I was to afraid to say anything in fear that something else would be wrong. I.a. Bad breath, looking unflattering, saying something stupid, or just smelling bad in general, or my own emotions overwhelming me. I really enjoyed reading with you. I didn’t think it was possible for me to find joy in reading again. I just felt like the stress of the world wouldn’t stop trying to get me. And it wouldn’t leave me alone. I feel shame. I feel like a failure. And it is hard taking care of my mental health. It’s so hard doing this on my own. my head is hurting and I don’t want you to leave I feel irritated that I cant tell you this myself, but instead I just stare at you. im sorry.

I feel very sad.

Def felt fear before seeing you, but I feel better now :)) (seeing you)

Rip to ur tummy :)) I’m having fun

Not a bother at all :))

:3 I was very triggered by this website Joy is teaching me patience i am a student :3 mwhahaha >:D

It’s always a pleasure please call me or text me any time

Let’s wash our hands together again

I love you too

I wasn’t ignoring you. Just listening. To find any contradictions. Sometimes we say things that are different from how we feel. I worry your feelings and thoughts are two separate things. I don't want to be two separate things. together and being separate is difficult for me. regardless if it’s actually us being apart or us having differences

🥒

Either we upgrade and expand or continue disconnecting. Or well maybe we just accept that perhaps we are incompatible.

Duality.

You are a pair I am a singular unit. vice versa I was born into a pair and you were born as a single unit. im not interested in controlling you. I might be possessives, demanding and quite bossy. Though my end goal is not control. Though it to me is becoming clearer that I cannot convince you of my intentions. Even if I’m honest with my intentions. When I say it’s been awhile since we’ve seen each other. It’s not me going out my way to demand you share my perspective, but something I’ve noticed. It is a sleeping bear. That you are afraid of. While I on the other hand. For some reason was born without fear of disturbing a sleeping bear. I cannot help. That I want to poke at it. To be with me is consideration. I wouldn’t force you to burn your hand for something I might enjoy. I don’t expect for you to ask something like that from me. I think individuality is important and something I cherish myself. Sure. I can be away from you, but I also have the desire to be around you. I can’t help, but to crave your energy. im force fed negative energy. Sue me.

A month has been quiet some time… (I don’t think that would make my sense of time out of wack. 😒 )

joy and I spoke on the phone yesterday and when I showed them a old photo of my grandparents the phone was suddenly losing connection. Joy had an interesting insight to this. When I thought nothing of. Joy’s perspective was my disconnect with family. And it immediately hit me and made me tear up, because it’s interesting how the universe sends you little messages. She shows up in small ways. I think for me I tend to not be comfortable with disconnection, because it scares me. one of my favorite things about joy is that when I feel scared, or uncomfortable, or angry they don’t disconnect. Mind you we have before, but it’s nice relearning with joy. im looking forward to seeing Joy. its been since joy feels worried about all the intense emotions this is me except when I think of intense emotions I often think of distressing intense emotions. And with Joy it’s like my stress isn’t stress. It just feels like “ahhh” and then we both nod our head lol. people put a lot of expectation on both of us. I just want to live life. Peacefully. And joy wants that too. which is all I need. i don’t feel stressed when I’m around joy, because I don’t feel as if their energy is intentionally trying to drain me or hurt me. id rather see joy than be stuck with others who do the opposite of what joy and I do together.

I can’t help it… hehe I am selfish. I am spoiled. hehehe

Joy can be very sweet and sometimes has their moments ^^ though so do I. lolololol though joy is very good to me. So I try my best to be good to joy regardless of how insane they might drive me sometimes. We try to find balance. It’s difficult, but worthwhile. I love joy. Very much. shhh shh I didn’t say that. This is a simulation. We’re all dreaming hehe jk jk :3 plz be nice to my pookie and treat them right. Thank u for ur cooperation.

I believe. In my own experiences. That whoever you may believe in. Regardless of it being a “God” or Religion. That our spirits are a collective thing that forms this “God” I personally do not believe into a “God” or Religion. I believe in spirituality. And collectivism. I listen to my body, heart and soul. And In that I walk into the directions it takes me. And I have found that as I continue to do so. I’m always where I should be at the “perfect” timing. Even if I am late. (which rarely happens, but everything happens for a reason) I have found. That tuning into who I was, and who I am, today. Are two completely different aspects of my soul. I am anger, and love. I am divine, and scary. And a lot of people don’t like that. Neither do they understand the shape shifting forms, that divine transformation can give you. In my lifetime I will be a chameleon, because my soul is infinite. I believe even in Death. Our spirits and souls connect to us. Just in different ways. for an example. When I experienced the loss of a loved one. They came to me in butterflies. What a beautiful offering. It is now my duty, to offer safety, comfort, and love to butterflies. Not because God told me so, but because of how powerful love. And spirituality is.