Beans

I plan on doing my first marathon joy is thinking about joining me i’ve been pushing myself to hit the three mile mark almost there, but I still need to continue building my endurance. Though I’m happy to say that I was able to hit the two mile mark. I’ve always had a terrible relationship with running until I was inspired by a content creator overseas who shared their story about their own hardships. And one of their favorite hobbies was to run. So one day I was like “maybe I should try it out” and I did. It use to be so much more difficult in the past. I couldn’t run a mile without feeling so much strain on my body context I was an asthmatic and very overweight child. I didn’t know how to cope on my own, and my parents weren’t very involved in my life. So I pretty much raised myself. However, when I was with my grandparents it was a very different story. I was very active, I would climb trees, run outside, look for insects, etc. though when I reintroduced running into my life at the end of my workout I realized “hey this isn’t too half bad. And I feel really good right now” I knew my dad had a love for running, but any time I tried joining him he never allowed me too. The same when I would see him box i would express my interest in it and ask to join only to be immediately shot down. it was very painful. All i wanted was to bond with my dad. he was always extremely hard on me because in his mind I was “too sensitive/ or too weak” any chance he got he would antagonize me until I began crying he would always tell me that “you’ll never make it in the world being the way you are” and for a really long time I believed him, but the more I tried to suffocate that part of me. The more depressed and suicidal I became. when I finally had enough and was convinced on ending my life. neither did my mother or father cry for me. i didn’t care who would miss me i didn’t care if my sisters would I didn’t care if my parents would i didn't care if my best friend would I told my nana (grandmother) what I had done while calling her I explained the situation and she immediately broke into tears. it really wasn’t until that moment that my depression and anxiety bubble popped. It shattered my heart hearing someone whom I love and cherish so much to cry for me like that. In that very moment I asked myself “what on earth am I doing? How could I hurt the woman who raised me, who loves me so dearly? How could I have forgotten?” I was so buried in grief, depression, anxiety. That I had completely forgotten how much my grandma loves me. from that moment on i swore to never do anything like that again. And I kept my promise. And I plan on keeping it. slowly but surely I’m finding myself once more. in innocent ways such as running which was something I did enjoy doing as a kid climbing swimming singing Reading running im finding things that brings me happiness again and im beyond grateful for it. beyond grateful for the amazing impact everyone has on my life

This makes me feel. it sounds like it makes sense. It feels like a repeat of the event. and in a way Im doing the same thing. Feels like a similar story though certain perspectives and situations have shifted Not to sure what’s going to happen Im just walking the line

Are you still on the phone with the insurance? I need your help with my password

I was avoiding telling Joy I no longer had car insurance. I felt shame. Immense shame. For not having my life together. I felt shame, because I was afraid joy would reject me since I came with so many other burdens. That day I was too afraid and embarrassed to let anyone know. not you. not the form. just myself suffering from the weight of my own assumptions and heavy guilt for not having things together.

I think our distracted mind is to blame. It’s no curse to learn new lessons.

I also apologize for my appearance I don’t have makeup wipes forgot to take off yesterday’s makeup. next time I’ll do better

I’ve hit another weight goal of mine. still have a long way to go, but I’m happier.

We must dismantle this mindset it’s not about right or wrong its about hearing each other

Internalized homophobia/transphobia is valid. And a very real thing I struggled with myself. I don’t doubt your abilities to free yourself from this. you got this.

Please forgive me for making you feel like I didn’t care. I do.

I have our fruit packed. let us go celebrate our trans identity while also supporting our trans community 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

Please come with me to our picnic

I am sorry sometimes I get very absorbed into my own world that it’s difficult to come back down I don’t mean to make you feel like I don’t care I’m constantly wanting to be everywhere at once

I wish you were here you would’ve loved it

I’ve never been so confused in my entire life