TakeCare

Welcome. This will be my journal and I appreciate you dedicating your time to read it. I spent some time thinking about the format that I want to use and in the end I decided to update it weekly. My goal is to keep it brief and concentrated on the things that are most important and I believe updating it once a week might help to avoid a lot of unnecessary noise. Every week I will give brief review of each day and then focus on overarching goals, ideas and issues that I dealt with that week. This journal is supposed to help me stay consistent and to assist me in keeping track of my progress. I have just graduated from the university and I am sort of restarting my life. I am not going to continue living the way I lived. There has been a fair amount of mistakes and self-destructive decisions as well as a lot of attempts to break through. What I lack in self-growth the most is consistency. So here and now I commit to updating this journal once a week at least for one year. First week (which has started yesterday) is about making changes that are necessary for my further development. These are things that I have been battling for the past ten years. I would make a change and after day, week or month I would relapse to my old habits once again. This time I have my initial long-term vision which I will work on as the time goes by. So this is the list of the first set of challenges: - Quitting smoking (I have smoked for 10 years with some breaks lasting from a month to four months) - Quitting any kind of contact with video games (I haven't been playing much lately, but I do keep track of tournaments, streams and live events and this habit drains a lot of time away) - Limited social media time (Facebook - max 10 minutes per day, though it does not include messenger) - Eating healthier (for now I will not go into much detail, I will simply focus on avoiding sweets or any other low quality stuff) - Exercising every morning for at least 15 minutes - Meditating everyday for at least 20 minutes - Setting at least one hour per week to fully plan and reflect on my life. This is where I start. These are a beginner's goals that are mostly about having basic self-control skills. Yes, it does seem quite a lot to me at the moment but I believe that I can manage that. Next update is planned on 2016.07.03

YEAR 1 REVIEW INTRODUCTION One year ago I have made a commitment to keep a journal for at least a year. I am still here so the main goal is completed. Of course, journaling by itself is just a tool. Lets review how useful this tool was. I am slowly reading through the journal and also some random notes that I have since 2015. I hope this review will be useful to someone who has just started or trying to start putting continuous efforts towards turning inwards. First of all I want to thank @Leo Gura for all the content provided an of course this forum. Also thanks to everyone who has been here with me: @schmitzy @saikou @Marc Schinkel @Piotr @ iago iriarte arhatha @quantum @The Motorcyclist @K VIL @-nbolt- @Kenhol @Moximi So, here I present to you an experience of a 26 y/o taking up the path of self-actualization. WHERE I WAS BEFORE THIS JOURNAL I felt like I was afraid to fully live. I felt vulnerable and naturally tried to avoid things that caused me discomfort, therefore I was avoiding life itself. I was tired of not following through and being stuck at the same place for years. It does not mean that I was not moving forward but there were certain bad habits, addictions, mindsets that made moving forward very slow Most of the time my attempts to change something were forced. I overrated immediate will-power and did not fully understand the full power of continuous commitment to taking small steps. It was very black and white – this is good and this is bad. If I fell of track I fell for good. I did not have the courage to deal with failure face to face and this led back to the lifestyle which I was trying to get away from. My efforts were very much cyclical – feeling tired of current lifestyle > creating a plan/making a commitment > brute forcing for few days or weeks > getting first results > feeling better > falling of track once or twice > getting back to the previous lifestyle > continuing until I can‘t ingnore the fact that this is not the way to live life. And the cycle starts again. My efforts were sincere but there was no stable platform to work with. When I finished university I knew life was about to change. It was up to me to choose a direction and start moving. I was reading this forum from time to time and decided to start journaling here. This journal as a tool was intended to help my stay consistent and it did help a lot. MAIN MILESTONES WEEK 1 – started installing new habits. WEEK 4 – first test yoga class. WEEK 5 – daily meditation time increased to 25 minutes, starting to meditate cross-legged. WEEK 7 – started meditating in the morning instead of evening. WEEK 8 – started attending introduction to meditation course. WEEK 9 – started regularly attending yoga classes. WEEK 13 – discovered Ken Wilber. WEEK 15 – attended my first ever retreat (3 days). WEEK 16 – implementing new morning routine (waking up at 6,), meditation time increased to 30 minutes. WEEK 24 – discovered Sadhguru. WEEK 28 – new year led to refreshed motivation. WEEK 29 – reading “Inner Engineering”. WEEK 31 – reading Marcus Aurelius “Meditations” WEEK 32 – got sick and went totally out of control. WEEK 34 – attended retreat (4 days). WEEK 41 – started experimenting with intermittent fasting. WEEK 42 – started “Inner Engineering” course. WEEK 46 – started attending new and more dedicated yoga class. GOAL REVIEW I have embraced the power of excel so I can communicate information more easily. This is a summary of how I did on each of my main goals. JOURNALING – Goal completed Green – full journal entries Yellow – short journal entries Red – no entry I kept my journal consistent. There were some challenging times but I have never ever before managed to journal for that long. EXERCISING – goal completed Did pretty well. 38 weeks of good exercise, 7 weeks a bit fragmented, 3 weeks of lazy ass, 2 weeks I was sick and did not exercise and white gap is for the week which I had no notes on. I was introduced to yoga. At the beginning, I had no idea what I was doing but now I am in a good shape and my back problems are not causing as much discomfort. Also I have touched the surface of what yoga is all about and there are many more areas to explore there. Sometimes it is still a challenge to exercise in the morning but this habit is something I intend to cultivate till the end of my days. MEDITATING – goal completed When I started meditating I was quite neurotic about not skipping a day. It might have helped me to create a habit but later I became a bit less intense about that because sometimes I meditated just to get that check mark. There were days that just did not have a time window for a quality meditation and that is fine. Started with meditating in the evening and after few weeks I transitioned to meditating early in the morning. This seemed to work better for me. In the beginning, I meditated sitting on the chair. Later on, I learned to meditated cross-legged. I can’t do it for a long time period but 30 minutes is just fine. Starting with minimum 20 minutes per day I moved it to 30 minutes. During retreats, I meditated for 4 hours per day. Same as exercising it is still a challenge. As you can see I had 7 weeks where I did not meditate or meditated very little. 6 weeks of half-assing and 37 weeks of solid meditation practice. In general, as for someone who has almost none meditation experience this is a good start. EATING HEALTHY – goal completed 21 weeks of displaying good eating habits. Same number of weeks I had moments where I binged a little bit although any of those yellow weeks are better than my nutrition before starting the journal. 8 weeks I ate poorly. This looks like a 50-50 result but when I compare it to my previous eating habits this is definitely a significant improvement. LIMITED SOCIAL MEDIA TIME – goal completed My habit to share information on social media has disappeared completely. I still browse but I spend little time there. 5 weeks I have been out of control. It went well together with bad nutrition, smoking and gaming. Anyway, goal completed. NO SMOKING – goal failed This is the goal that I failed at the most. Very often I did not even try. Reading through the journal I could easily see that whenever I tried to quit I have experienced more anger. In general, I smoked less because I did not smoke at work but during weekend I mostly smoked like I always used to. I became a bit less neurotic about quitting smoking. At times, I was completely content with smoking but whenever I think long term I always want to quit. It was a bit absurd to read how many times I debated with myself how bad smoking is for me, how many times I tried to quit and I am still smoking. It is a tool to procrastinate or escape from uncomfortable situations when socializing or just simply to distract myself. Goal failed. This has to go. It takes away a lot of energy and attention from what is most important in life. NO GAMING – goal failed 23 weeks with no gaming, 6 weeks with a little bit of gaming and 22 weeks of gaming for at least half a day (sometimes an entire weekend). The fact that this score is still better from what it used to be before journaling is unsettling. I have a program that tracks how much time I spent using certain programs and statistics are just sad. To sum up I meditated about the same amount of time as I spent gaming. GENERAL SCORE If I sum up all the scores from all the main goals this is a chart that I get: This means that more than half of the time I was moving forward, 18% of the time I was hybernating and 24% of the time I was moving backwards. Of course this statistic is mainly for fun : ) SECOND TIER GOALS There is no sugar in my coffee anymore. This was one of the easiest goals. A relatively stable sleeping regime was installed. I tried installing affirmation habit but in the end I just did not find a good use for it. Finger cracking still happens occasionally but it is not a constant compulsive habit anymore. Ending shower with a burst of cold water quite easily became a habit. Attended two retreats. Listened to couple audio programs and read two books on self-development. Watched entire Sadhguru youtube channel. This was not really a goal but improved nutrition and continuous exercising helped me to lose 6kg. I have a stable weight now which has not changed much for the last 5 months. MAIN LESSONS LEARNED Don’t try to change other people. I have become much more reserved when it comes to giving advice. Instead of trying to change them I am trying to be them, to see the world from their perspective. It is something that has to be practiced at any opportunity that is available. Keeping an open mind. Oh boy, can’t stress how important this is. Being overly confident that you know what is right and what is wrong leaves very limited space for self-reflection. As the time goes by illusion gets deeper and deeper and eventually one can find himself living in a very small black and white world. The immense importance of being present. It is all there is. The rest is something that mind has a power to create. Freedom = present moment Anger in its essence is a denial of reality. Experiencing anger (or irritation) has a very direct relation to the amount of sleep, meditating, exercising and nutrition. I was experiencing it when I started installing new habits and also at the times where I fell off track and tried to come back. Also I noticed that whenever I attempted to quit smoking I experienced more anger. Get ready for the change of environment. It is easier to install new habits in a safe home environment but it is way more difficult to implement them once the environment changes. Whatever it is: visiting parents, going on a holiday, travelling, spending time with friends, getting sick (this one threw me off balance big time) etc. It will likely trigger old patterns so get ready. Anticipation of the upcoming challenges is very important. Getting sick is not an excuse to turn off consciousness. I got sick twice throughout the year and both times I fell off balance. If it happens so that I get sick my main focus should be how to get healthy. However, I used „sick time“ as an excuse to do whatever I craved for. This might have actually prolonged my illness. Consistency is the key. During the first month I was mostly in a bad mood. The sheer amount and variety of negative emotions was a lot to deal with. Becoming more aware is not necessarily a pleasant experience because there is no place to hide from your own flaws which have been ignored. It is not easy to become more aware of how rarely I am aware. At times, it felt like moving backwards but now I see that it was an unavoidable part of this journey. As Leo said in one of his videos "first three years of self-development might feel like you are regressing". What matters the most is to stay on track. My mind was my inner self but now I experienced the difference. I am more connected with my body and the signals it sends me (including emotions). There is a lot of work to do but I am moving forward. In general, there is less negativity and more appreciation and acceptance, less fear and more clarity. Also more confidence which helped me a lot at work and while socializing. It is very difficult to fully express the growth that I experienced but I am very very happy for all the things that happened throughout the year. Looking forward to continuing this journey. QUOTES To end the review I wanted to share some quotes that had an impact for me this year: “The person who can freely acknowledge that life is full of difficulties can be free, because they are acknowledging the nature of life - that it can't be much else.” "If you stop constantly trying to make yourself happy it counterintuitively makes you more happy" "Fish discovers water last" "You can't think yourself into the right action but you can act yourself into the right thinking" "The reason why you want to become better is the reason why you are not." "Life is exactly what it is." "Confirming your belief systems does not get you closer to truth." "Being at peace is not a goal, it is a necessary requirement for doing anything at all." "Do you want authority to be the truth or do you want truth to be the authority?" "Purpose of meditation is merging into reality and this is what happiness is." "When the student is ready the master will appear." "Stress is not a necessary part of your life, it is just your inability to manage your mind and emotions." "Confidence without clarity is a disaster." "It is impossible to connect the dots when all you have is one infinite dot." "When one grows he also becomes smaller." YEAR 2 BEGINS I will start a new thread for the second year soon. This has been one long post but I hope it was worth reading for you. Thank you all for the support and see you next year! TakeCare

WEEK 51 DAY 354 Finally, I woke up at 6 in the morning. I did not really meditate, I sat and drank lemon water really slowly. Contemplated my current situation and what I am going to do next. I feel like I know everything that I need to know for the current moment. Every moment I become more conscious I am immediately focusing on what is most important right now. I fix my sitting posture, I relax my shoulders, I focus on the task at hand, I listen to my thoughts reminding myself that I am not my thoughts and so on. No coffee. Practiced hatha yoga. Just one day I already feel way better. I did smoke in the evening though and ate a bit more than I needed. DAY 355 Woke up with a question: why smoking is a problem for me at all? Nobody is forcing me to smoke but now I am sitting at work and dealing with cravings. I can either go to smoke or to keep working until it passes. I will not smoke until I get back home - thats for sure. Woke up at 6 in the morning again. Meditated for like 10 minutes then laid down and fell asleep. It is so easy to drop good habits and it takes immense effort to reinstall them back. I really tried this morning... I guess it takes a bit more time to restore sleep schedule and morning routine. Yoga class was amazing as usual. DAY 356 Morning routine completed successfully: pranayama + exercise + meditation + cold shower. This morning in a bus I saw a girl. Still thinking about her. As much as I try to stop idealizing people she seemed to be incredible. She seemed somehow wise and her looks were not flashy but as elegant as it gets. I know I am in a relationship. Things like these happens I suppose. The thing is that this encounter triggered something very deep inside of me. I felt motivated to be the best I can be. There was a connection with a strength inside that simply abolished all the so called "problems" that have been worrying me lately. I have reconnected with that sensation multiple times throughout the day. Qoute: "You can't become better, you can only become something else." DAY 357 45 minute meditation this morning. It was alright although I started doubting am I really meditating? I know I am not sleeping but am I meditating? My mind starts wandering and I bring it back to breathing but soon enough it goes wandering again. Mind attacks were intense today. Keeping distance from the chatter was not easy and inconsistent but overall I was quite aware of what was happening inside. DAY 358 Skipped morning meditation so I could go to yoga class in the morning. And it was amazing (as well as amazingly tough). I contemplated a lot about certain kind of attachments which I have never thought much about. Well, I thought about it a lot but I have never considered that to be an attachment. What I am talking about is emotions (especially ones that I love the most). I take certain action because I expect certain result. In the end that result is almost inevitably an emotion. External physical world is just a tool to get into certain states. Seeing how attached one is to external physical world is easier than understanding attachment to emotions. I guess it is normal human nature to prefer feeling pleasantly but feeling poorly should be accepted too. "Whatever you can do - you do, whatever you cannot do - you cannot do" DAY 359 Crystal clear morning and relatively quiet day with time and space for relaxation and reflection. DAY 360 Basically spent the whole day reading through my journal and working on year 1 review. WEEK 51 REVIEW Goal review Routine goals: Exercising + breathing exercises daily - Check (6/7) Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Check (6/7) Cold shower - Check (6/7) No smoking - Failure (no effort) No gaming - Check Limited social media time - Check Eating healthy - Check (very good this week) Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check. So that’s it. Year 1 completed. Writing a summary at the moment. See you soon, TakeCare

Lately I became inconsistent. Here is very short summary of my scrabbled notes from last three weeks. I got sick and that really threw me off balance. WEEK 48 DAY 333 Still not feeling well. Missed my morning meditation because I felt like I really need more sleep. --- As I sat at my desk at work I commited to keeping an excellent sitting posture no matter what. --- I managed to sit really well today. Listening to Ryan Kurczak for a bit. I find his material really helpful. Also, there is an amazing youtube channel that I want to share with you. I found that very often I can't listen to music because it affects my concentration. I was looking for a while and then I found channel called "meditative mind - meditation music". There are tons of all kinds of ambient sounds that provide a peaceful background for work. That has been my go to place for the last couple of weeks. DAY 334-339 I got sick. This time it was no joke. Spent some time in bed, some time watching tv series, some time sleeping. Did nothing of value throughout the week. Couple of times I tried to really feel what I was feeling and it was horrible. WEEK 49 DAY 340 It was my last sick day. Did not do much. Mostly felt confused and not ready to get back to life. DAY 341 Well, hello there! I came back right into tornado. There was no transitioning, just an immediate jump into ice cold water. There was so much shit going wrong at work that there was no time to worry about how I feel and that actually was refreshing. DAY 342 I am not really here yet. I am once again sinking into the depth of compulsiveness and I just can't seem to break the pattern. Probably because I do not really want to. DAY 343-344 No entry. DAY 345-346 Traveled a little bit these days. WEEK 50 DAY 347 I am backsliding and that is obvious to me. My morning routine was almost non-existent these last few weeks. I have kept up with exercising but it lacked consistency. I haven't meditated for the last two weeks and the result is apparent in my daily life. DAY 348-349 No entry. DAY 350-353 Travelling abroad. FEW WORDS ABOUT WEEK 48-50 So, a lot of backsliding these last few weeks. Some efforts here and there but in general I did not do very well and eventually it even led to self-bashing. There are some questions concerning my professional life, relationships and future that I am struggling with. There are no easy answers or solutions. Also, my first year of continuous focus on self -actualizing is almost over. There will be an entry next week and then year two begins. I want to end this year on a good note.

WEEK 47 DAY 326 Woke up not feeling very well. Went to the other room to start my morning routine and laid down. I wanted to sleep. No motivation to meditate. I had thoughts like "well, I am feeling poorly, it will not be a good meditation anyway" but something clicked inside and I knew what will happen next and that was meditation. I sat and had one of the most focused meditations in a month or so. During the weekend I started experimenting with my meditation method and this morning I proved that it is the way to go. Also, had few insights this morning and the most significant one was that observation is not necessarily something that you have to put effort to. You do not have to focus intensly to see what happens in front of you. Once the mind quiets down it is very natural and I experienced that very clearly this morning. --- I am sitting at work and I just can't comprehend that life is happening right now. Also, I have consciously and effortlessly skipped my usual morning coffee. --- Towards the end of the workday experienced some cravings for a smoke. DAY 327 I am getting sick. Not feeling well at all. Hits hard on my motivation to do anything. DAY 328 Well, I got sick. Spent day at home drinking tea and mostly lying in bed. DAY 329 I felt better this morning so I went back to work. Despite the circumstances there was strong motivation to push through apparent problems. Yoga class in the evening was awesome although my back hurts a bit. It is my weak spot. Actually, I got into yoga because of this problem and now I am practicing it for much bigger reasons than that. DAY 330 There was a significant birthday celebration at work and once again it was apparent to me how easily I can loose balance. DAY 331 Morning routine more pleasant than usually. It was very peaceful. It has been a very active day and I was happy and exhausted in the end. DAY 332 My sickness has came back and my will power has vanished. I might have spent too much time outdoors yesterday. Day was spent gaming and drinking herbal tea. Oh and I smoked. Oh and it means I do not having consistent motivation. The direction in which I attempt to move forward is disrupted by my addictions and neurosis. Nothing new. WEEK 47 REVIEW Goal review Routine goals: Exercising + breathing exercises daily - Check (5/5) (skipped couple of days because of ill health) Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Check (5/5) (skipped couple of days because of ill health) Cold shower - (1/1) Cancelled because of sickness. No smoking - Failure (no effort) No gaming - Failure (Sunday lost) Limited social media time - Check Eating healthy - Check (because birthday, otherwise fine) Bus study habit - Check (4/4) Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check. Thoughts I am loving my new yoga class. Now I am starting to understand what I am actually doing. Environment is really nice. There is also an atmosphere of commitment and dedication. Not to mention that after finishing the introduction class there are opportunities to move forward. It is not only hatha yoga that is being taught there. I won't go into details but what I want to say is that I am really thankful that I found this place. Thats it for this week, TakeCare

Before I begin I forgot to tell one little thing about last weekend. As I told I spent Saturday gaming, smoking and eating whatever. After I was done I still had 3 cigarettes left so I decided to throw them away because I intended to not smoke on Sunday. Before throwing away I broke them into 4-5 pieces because I knew I will probably be craving for a smoke pretty bad tomorrow. Here comes fun part - on Sunday I woke up, had breakfast and went to my trash can looking for the broken cigarettes. I collected what I could and thought I will make new cigarette from what I managed to scrap. I did not have any rolling paper though because I threw it all away some time earlier. I spent about 10 minutes looking for solution and in the end I rolled tobacco into a receipt and went to smoke. It was not a good smoke. It was full of shame and self-bashing. So here it it. I hope this will be the last episode of this nature since the new week has begun. WEEK 46 DAY 319 I have dreamt a moon tonight. Then another one appeared. Then another one. Eventually sky was full of moons as ir became bright as day. --- Compulsions are the way to avoid life. --- Since I was very determined not to smoke I did not have any compulsions to do that. Instead of craving for a smoke I faced strong cravings to eat more than I need, preferably in sugar form. I did fine though. --- Did not smoke today. Finally at least one day successful. It has been a while. Could not fall asleep easily though. I felt so messed up, shit. I just could not lay down still. Panic was settling in. I actually started praying at some point and surprisingly I relaxed and fell asleep. It happened so naturally it was weird. The entire day was weird and full of everything. DAY 320 Had a grotesque dream tonight. It included choking kittens to death. My subconscious is going wild. At least I know why - it is because I was pushing really hard yesterday and I intend to keep doing the same today. Also, my new yoga class starts today. ---- It is tough at work. Not because of the work but because of that I resist so many things. Problem is that most of the time I do that unconsciously. Sometimes I cannot grasp what I am resisting. Pressure on chest is back. I did not have this feeling when I was attending to my cravings. Today there were two strong waves of cravings which I observed. ---- Moving towards the end of the workday - really want to smoke again. How does it feel? Where does it feel? Is it shifting or staying the same? After trying to answer these questions I understood that it feel a lot like thirst. Maybe I just want to drink? DAY 321 I woke up at night and couldn't fall back asleep. I thought maybe its 5 or 5:30 in the morning so I decided to wake up because I can't sleep anyway. I checked my phone and it was 1:30 at night. Well that was unexpected. I remembered a good tip from Ryan Kurczak, where he said he never complains about not being able to sleep. If he can't sleep he goes to meditate. So did I. I meditated for a bit more than half an hour and then went back to sleep. When I woke up I actually felt worse than I did did at 1:30. In the morning I chose to drink tea rather than coffee. Every time I drink coffee after an hour or so I feel really thirsty and want to drink again. Not to mention all the extra trips to the toilet. ---- Today there is a lot of resistance towards work. Trying to just do things and observe. There is pressure builduing up in chest area as I type. Doing fine fow now. Head is sleepy though. ---- Feeling a bit better after dinner. I also had coffee and a little sugar intake. I was getting desperate and taking care of those cravings helped me to move along with my work. I know its a temporary solution. It is not that I wanted sweets or coffee specifically, I wanted anything that would feel good immediatelly. ---- When I got back home after work I was just so so tired. Really wanted to smoke but I made it through. An hour or so later I was really happy I did not smoke. I do not want to go back to square one. DAY 322 Happy birthday to me. Feeling weird, not sleepy nor awake and not somewhere in between. Feels like my head is full of water. Today there was yoga at work and then yoga class after work. I still feel pain from the lesson on Tuesday. DAY 323 Today is my day off to do the work that I haven't done last weekend. I sat down to work but after half an hour or so I am dealing with cravings for gaming. Did alright nonetheless. Worked for three hours then took a break. Completed my morning routine at midday because I used this day off as an opportunity to have extra hour of sleep. I have a feeling that I might be lacking sleep a little bit although it is really hard to tell because my body is simply going crazy this week - no smoking (still staying strong), increased amount of yoga and general strive for alertness keeps things at some sort of stable-chaos which is like a chaos within some relatively defined boundaries. Blah. Words. I just feel unusual, that's it. Also there was some resistance during exercise and meditation. While I was cooking I had a minute of involvement with sweets which resulted in 100% craving driven mindless eating. Amount was very moderate. I did not even feel bad that I ate those candies. What I did not like is my emotional/mental state at the time of indulgence. Anyway, going back to work. --- I think I should avoid drinking coffee for at least a week. I have a habit of drinking two cups of coffee everyday and I crave for it if I don't get it. I am do not think it is the best time to do that next week because I kind of have my plate full with new yoga class and not smoking. Relapsing is a posibility so I guess slow and steady is the way to go. Anyway, if I do not want to drink coffee I do not have to do that but I want to avoid setting a clear "no no" on drinking coffee since it can create unnecessary resistance and tension. --- Watched Leo's retreat report and probably related to him more than ever before. So I want to say big thanks for all the content he provided. Thank you. DAY 324 So there was a celebration yesterday. I drank what I consider as an optimal amount - 2 beers. Unfortunately, I smoked. I just do not know how to hang out with drinks and without smoking. Anyway, there are no hard feelings. I woke up today and I do not want to smoke. As long as I do not relapse into a daily smoking it is fine. So far so good. --- I am feeling pretty well after yesterday so I decided to sit for one hour of work just to see how it goes and all of the sudden I want to start gaming. --- So I worked for an hour and half and started gaming. What happened later was interesting. I played for about an hour and half and all of the sudden I stopped. There was no effort to stop. There was realization that I do not really want to do that. I wanted when I started but now I really would rather do something else. So in the end I worked for another hour and I am feeling really happy now. I could have resisted playing and would probably keep bugging me throughout the day but problem kind of solved itself for now. This is great! Also, no relapsing to smoking. That is also great! --- I have really overdid yoga this week. I feel like I rolled down the stairs. Everything hurts. DAY 325 So… Woke up, completed morning routine, worked for an hour and then my consciousness has gone somewhere else. I played games for like 7 hours and smoked 4 cigarettes. Week was going so well but I have stepped back on today. WEEK 46 REVIEW Goal review Routine goals: Exercising + breathing exercises daily - Check (7/7) Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Check (7/7) Cold shower - Check (7/7) No smoking - Mediocre (completely did not smoke for 5 days, a lot of effort) No gaming - Failure (a bit on Saturday and shit ton on Sunday) Limited social media time - Check Eating healthy - Mediocre (because birthday, otherwise fine) Bus study habit - Check (4/4) Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check. Other updates: Started attending another yoga class. Thoughts This week journaling was a bit more "live". I often wrote just after something has happened rather than sitting down in the evening to write about the last day(s). This week was great. There was a lot of progress. I messed up a little bit on Friday and a lot on Sunday but I feel like it has been a great week nonetheless. By the way, new yoga class looks very promising. Thank you for being with me, TakeCare

@Moximi Thanks! Well, it was not easy but having a certain format and posting once a week seems to work for me. I will make sure to check your journal. WEEK 45 DAY 313 Woke up later, therefore did not have time to complete morning routine. But I found time to make coffee and go for a smoke. Luckily this is not the end of the story. In the middle of a cigarette I threw it away, went back to my room, collected all the rolling tobacco, papers, filters and other shit and threw it all away. Now I am sitting at work with some intense fucking cravings. DAY 314 Finally woke up feeling well. Had a productive day. Still smoked today. I came to a point where in the evening I think one thing and in the morning I think totally opposite. It reminds me of my teenage years. Of course it is less messed up now and it mostly concerns smoking. My super serious yoga class starts next week and I want to be ready for it. Also very soon I will have a birthday and that is, probably for the first time, unsettling. This weekend I intend to finish "Inner engineering" course then few days later yoga class starts and few days later there is my birthday. Sounds like a good time to realign and move in one direction. DAY 315 What does it mean to want something? Wishes can be vastly different. It is possible to define them by their nature, timing, recurrence, consistency, triggers, possibility, necessity, by the needs they met, what emotions they cause or if they are long-term or short-term. There are many more ways to define and categorize what one wants. Wanting something can have different names - like "a wish" for example. If one does not like what he wants it can be called a "craving", or "compulsion". If something one wants triggers strong emotions it can be expressed as a "desire". Well, English is my second language so I am only touching the surface but the point I am trying to get to is the fact that one can describe same thing in many different ways. By choosing one way to describe something you also change that very thing in your psychological reality. In existential reality things are not affected by words but in one's perception words are powerful. I kind of knew that but today it hit me real good. Or it ringed a bell. Or it clicked for me. Or it became present in my consciousness. Or it was an insight. Or it struck me as never before. So many ways to describe. Maybe I do not value words as much as I should. Sometimes I feel like every sentence should be crafted with utmost precision. First of all it would be really useful to contemplate on this symbol system that we use to communicate and define every single word that I use. Not only read the definition in the vocabulary (which might be useful too) but also define it all by oneself. Is that necessary? For every day life - probably not. But damn it would change the way one talks. DAY 316 I thought about sails today. It is kind of overused analogy but it is very accurate. Wind can change its direction but if you know how to use the sail you can always keep going where you want to go. I came back home and played guitar for a while. Just played some random chords and sang some random lyrics until I started crying. There was no specific reason. It kind of came out of nowhere. Also, it did not last long, just half a minute or so. DAY 317 & 318 Last week I mentioned that this journal is becoming a journal of shame. Well, this weekend I reached a peak. This is going to be really awkward but here comes super-honest confession. Basically I did what I used to do when I was 10 years old. I lied a lot and convincingly to avoid responsibilities and get what I want. Weekend actually started quite well. I attended lesson in "Inner engineering" but after an hour or so shit hit the fan. I knew that next week there will be changes and somehow old pattern was triggered which suggests doing whatever you crave for because few days later I will be on track anyway. It is the LAST TIME, just do whatever. I fought for like 10 seconds and then gave up. Saturday was spent playing games, smoking, eating random nonsense food and not working (I was supposed to finish a project). Sunday I woke up in shame and feeling like shit (smoked an entire pack yesterday). Then all of the sudden I came up with a story that my windows have crashed and I had to reinstall everything. Therefore all the "progress" that I have "achieved" on Saturday has disappeared. I played victim to save my ass. Does not feel good to lie. For that I paid with self-respect. Fair enough I guess. On Sunday I slowly recovered and the second part of the day was rather productive. Finished "Inner Engineering" course. WEEK 45 REVIEW Goal review Routine goals: Exercising + breathing exercises daily - Mediocre (4/6) Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Failure (3/6) Cold shower - Check (6/6) No smoking - Failure (really tried this week but still no continuous commitment) No gaming - Failure (Saturday hours dedicated for gaming) Limited social media time - Check (not counting Saturday though) Eating healthy - Mediocre (Saturday was crazy, otherwise decent) Bus study habit - Check (4/4) Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check. Other goals: Finished "Inner engineering" course. Thoughts I am counting on next week as the beginning of a new chapter (isn't it how I end my every weekly journal entry? lol). Stay strong, TakeCare

WEEK 44 DAY 305 Morning studying in the bus was awesome. Here starts new habit! Today I realized that I can change it all at any moment but I choose not to. I am not talking about the results that one can only get after some time but about the direction. I am kind of moving forward but I feel it is time to step up, to focus on what is dearest to me. During yoga I naturally visualized myself during the next weekend - meditating, eating healthy, spending very little time on the internet, not smoking and it all seemed so pleasant. Now it is difficult to fully reconnect with that experience. DAY 306 Yesterday decided it is time to take some action towards quitting smoking. So here I am, sitting without smoking and without breakfast and it is not fun. Came back home tired as usual and there were cravings for smoke. I chose not to and went to eat dinner. I ate too much. Food was healthy but the amount wasn't. I sat down to work because I have few projects that are getting closer to the deadline. In the end of the day I smoked one cigarette and it made me feel awful. I was very tired already but after smoke I just had no energy left at all. Trying to record this experience in my mind as vividly as I can. Before going to sleep I sat to meditate for 20 minutes extra. DAY 307 Today I am continuously trying to be more present at work. It is difficult. Trying to keep body and mind relaxed. Sounds very basic but it is tough. After lunch I made coffee and for the first time in quite a while I considered adding some sugar. I already feel out of balance and I am looking for an external solution to an internal problem. I drank coffee without sugar as usual. Staying strong. Cravings for a smoke at work hit me like 4-5 times. Managed to postpone it until I got back home. DAY 308 Since the end of the last week intermittent fasting has changed as an experience. I used to be totally fine without breakfast when I started, but after some time it has changed and I started struggling. I can feel the difference especially well this week. When I wake up I feel fine, I do my morning routine and feel alive and awake. After an hour or so I start to feel sleepy, there is some sort of heaviness on my head and it stays there until I eat. It would probably be better to skip dinner, not breakfast. I will look for a way to try that but for now I will get back to my earlier eating regime. Also, I met some people that I haven't seen for quite a while and they all said I look skinnier although I have never been visibly chubby. I should not go overboard with fasting. Breakfast was good. I really missed it. Morning started really well today, more focus on existential reality than psychological reality. Gradually it went back to normal but there definitely was more presence and less noise. I noticed myself tensing so many times and every time I breathed in and relaxed. Eventually I got tired but there came a sense of moving forward which I welcomed very much. DAY 309 Had an emotional roller-coaster today. Experienced total helplessness as well as proactive and braver than usual behaviour. DAY 310 & 311 & 312 Monday was a day off so I group these three days into a one because as an experience it was one hell of a same fucking story. Smoking, eating shit, doing nothing productive, behaving like a chimp. I feel useless and just simple plainly frankly fucking dumb. Fuck. WEEK 44 REVIEW Goal review Routine goals: Exercising + breathing exercises daily - Mediocre (5/8) Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Mediocre (5/8) Cold shower - Check (7/7) Intermittent fasting - Check (3/3) (goal completed for now) No smoking - Failure (some attempts but no continuous commitment) No gaming - Failure (5 hours dedicated for gaming and even more time for passive involvement) Limited social media time - Failure. Eating healthy - Mediocre (workdays fine, weekend unconscious) Bus study habit - Check (5/5) Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check. Other goals: No progress on "Inner engineering" course. No progress on reading. Thoughts What about the conscious weekend that I planned to have? (...) It has lately been a journal of shame. I have became cyclical with my relapses. Sometimes I feel that I am very good at torturing myself. Hey! Somehow amidst all the struggle I managed to install new habit - studying in the bus on my way to work. It is a small one but will accumulate some value in time. So here I stand once again, Still here, still chaos. TakeCare

WEEK 43 DAY 298 Woke up all mellow and with no motivation. Just because of the habit I prepared lemon water and sat down. Drank some, did yoga. Sat for a while. Finished drinking water and meditated. Felt better immediately. Went to shower, did not want to turn on cold water at the end. Did anyway, just because I felt that I can enjoy it a little bit. Felt hungry, decided not to do intermittent fasting today. Opened the fridge, reevaluated situation and the fact that I am actually not that hungry and followed through with intermittent fasting. This is where habits pay off. Even day with a start like this transitioned into a beautiful and productive day. DAY 299 Quite a moderate day. Going to work earlier, leaving a bit later. Busy times continue. I registered to a yoga class which I wanted to attend for quite a while. Finally new group is being formed. It will start in three weeks. Looking forward. Very much. DAY 300 Today I prepared a lot of material for my e-reader. I had an idea to study certain work-related stuff but I could never find time. Everyday I take a bus to work and I have almost 15 minutes for studying. I listened to a lot of audio material during last months but currently I have nothing to listen to and also I kind of want to change the format for now. I decided to switch to reading. Going to try it out tomorrow. DAY 301 Turns out my e-reader does not display pdf's properly. I have changed file format (thanks to internet pdf to epub converters) so next time I am in a bus it should be fine. This content will keep me busy for a long time. Also, it is very important information for my profession. Morning was very tough. Slept poorly, bad dreams. Sat down to meditate and after 10 minutes I stopped. I will try to have a short meditation and yoga session at work during lunch break. I am trying to be flexible. When I started installing new habits I was very rigid. If I decided to do something I did it even if sometimes it did not contribute to my bigger goals. This morning I decided not to meditate because I felt poorly physically. I do not meditate to put a check-mark next to my goal, there is a bigger purpose here. Earlier it used to cause me some discomfort if I had to reschedule things or switch plans at the last minute. Now it comes more naturally. Successful mini yoga session and meditation at work. I am really grateful for having this opportunity. DAY 302 It was an interesting evening. Nothing bothered me. Whatever happened acceptance came naturally. It was a fluid and pleasant experience. DAY 303 Attended lesson number 4 in inner engineering course. This lesson so far had the biggest effect on me. Did some sightseeing in the city. All in all active day. One thing went wrong though - food. DAY 304 Shit hit the fan. Woke up feeling horrible. Sunday morning more stressful than Monday morning. I kind of put a lot of pressure on myself because there was a lot of stuff to do and as a result I attended inner engineering lesson 5 but did nothing else. Old patterns kicked in. I played games once again. The urge is so strong my mind goes blank. There was nothing else I wanted. Sad face. WEEK 42 REVIEW Goal review Routine goals: Exercising + breathing exercises daily - Check (6/7) Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Check (6/7) Cold shower - Check (7/7) Intermittent fasting - Check (5/5) (feeling good!) No smoking - Failure (no attempt here) No gaming - Failure (Sunday madness) Limited social media time - Check. Eating healthy - Mediocre (workdays fine, weekend too random) Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check. Other goals: Attended two lessons at Inner engineering course (2 lessons remaining). No progress on Kelly Mcgonigal "Will Power Instinct." Thoughts All in all not a bad week. The main focus for the next week is to HAVE A WEEKEND THAT I WOULD BE PROUD OF. It will be a three day weekend so I can really do some outer and inner work. I will eat healthy and will take part in no gaming. No matter who texts me or how I feel. I give my word of honor here. Gotta show some commitment. Thanks for being with me, TakeCare

WEEK 42 DAY 290 Tension at work was steadily building up and before lunch break I already felt quite tense. The effect of yoga practice was amazing today. Everything seemed so light and I enjoyed every moment of it. Smoked 4 cigarettes. Here goes my attempt to quit. Attended 3rd lesson in an "Inner engineering class . This one was a bit difficult to fully comprehend. Mainly because of the way word "responsible" was used. Responsible - able to respond. DAY 291 Today I had thoughts that all this journaling is meaningless. I am trying to communicate experiential information which converted to wards becomes very much dry. There is so much happening. There was tension at work as well. I noticed how quickly my state changed when I shifted from being overwhelmed by new information to being focused on task. This is the transition that I want to learn to achive quickly whatever the circumstances. It would be best not to become overwhelmed by all the "problems" in the first place but if it happens (and it will happen for sure) I want it to become a habit to transition smoothly and quickly. Although, whatever becomes habit also has a tendency to become an unconscious activity. Therefore, becoming overwhelmed can lead to becoming more conscious. When I will be more conscious overall I think I would not get overwhelmed at all. DAY 292 Super intense day at work. DAY 293 No entry. DAY 294 Woke up all grumpy because of poor sleep quality. My drive to be better than others is actually what prevents me from growing. It is not easy to never look up to anybody and never look down on anybody. To make it really manifest in my life will take time and effort. I am trying to be continuously conscious at work. What I found out is that I am unable to sit with my back straight and body relaxed for more like a 30 seconds. I am so tense at work JESUS CHRUST! This will be my priority. This is such an obvious and important problem that I should be focusing 100% of my attention. How do I even survive? 8 hours of this state 5 times a week - it is a torture! DAY 295 Day did not start so well. Could not complete morning routine because I wasn't at home. Soon enough I got in a state where I ate too much of sweets and smoked very compulsively. There was an inner conflict happening as usual. As the day went by I was constantly "trying" to change the direction of my actions but the problem was I did not act consciously. I was just thinking - preparing. Physically felt terrible couple of times. DAY 296 Still not at home. Damn. I can't meditate. Change of environment did not work out well although I did not have any choice. I made a commitment to go and so I did. It is Easter after all. Which actually means nothing for me except that it is always the time to visit relatives. DAY 297 I will add Monday to this particular week just because it was holidays. I spent it in a horrifying mindless mode feeling desperate. I am even looking forward to going back to work tomorrow because it will help me to get back into rhythm. WEEK 42 REVIEW Goal review Routine goals: Exercising +breathing exercises daily - Mediocre (5/8) Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Mediocre (5/8) Cold shower - Check (7/8) Intermittent fasting - Check (5/5) (new goal! I will be practicing intermittent fasting during workdays, so far I really like it) No smoking - Failure (sad face) No gaming - Failure (I spent half a day gaming) Limited social media time - Check. Eating healthy - Mediocre (good during workdays, bad during Easter) Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check . Other goals: Completed watching Sadhguru's youtube channel + attended one lesson at Inner engineering course (4 lessons remaining). Also, started reading Kelly Mcgonigal "Will Power Instinct. Thoughts One thing I do not talk much is progress that I made at work. There is still so much to learn and improve but my responsibilities and skill is growing week by week. Otherwise, a lot of struggle with my very basic routine goals. That's it for this week, TakeCare

WEEK 41 DAY 283 Yoga was tough. One hour later after practice already felt some energy turning on inside. Getting back track. When I was about to leave work cravings hit hard. All of the sudden thought pattern have changed. I did not smoke until the evening but I did eventually followed my compulsions. I will be starting intermittent fasting from tomorrow and keep the regime for 6 days (until the end of the week). I will try 8/16 fasting which means that I have 16 hours when I eat nothing and 8 hours when I can eat as many times as I want. I can drink water, tea, or coffee (without milk though) but no fruits or snacks for 16 hours. I thought I might have gotten some weight during the last two weeks but it did not change despite of really poor eating habits. DAY 284 Woke up on time, routine completed successfully. Physically feeling a lot of weird sensations in my head. It felt as if part of me was sleeping although I was productive at work. It was clear that I am not operating at my full capacity but I am getting there. If not tomorrow then on Thursday I will be on point. There was a strong power surge during one of the meetings where I felt unstoppable. Not leting environment dictate my reaction can result in sudden flashes of directed action which feels amazing. Watched Leo's video about infrastracture. I haven't head his voice for quite a while because I dedicated a lot of time for Sadhguru content. DAY 285 Alright. It was really challenging to complete full morning routine this morning but I did it. A little bit of coughing and sniffing and just general sleepiness do not help but completed nonetheless. Intermittent fasting seems fine. I do not get very hungry until twelve. I feel some hunger here and there but that is not causing much problem. Day at work was intense today, I came back and brought home that tension. Finally took care of my "lost weeks" in the journal. Feels good to be back. DAY 286 There were some crazy rumbles in stomach around 11 o'clock, but it did not bother me much. I had my lunch/breakfast around 13:30. I did not even want to eat dinner today. I did though because I wouldn't make without food till moon tomorrow. So far feeling quite excited about intermittent fasting and it is not as hard as I have anticipated. Today I was thinking about smoking. I actually think about smoking everyday and that bothers me because I do not want to take that much space in my mind. I thought that I will never say to myself - alright, I can live with a smoking habit for the rest of my life. If I could say that to myself and really believe that it is the way to go I would lose a lot of worthless thoughts and reasoning why to smoke and why not. I wouldn't have to feel guilty for smoking. But will never commit to a smokers life. Since the very time when it all has started I always thought that it is just a temporary thing. It so happened that I smoke for about 10 years to this day. I had couple longer periods (like 6 months or so) where I did not smoke at all and felt fine. Actually, I felt great but in the end something would trigger my old patterns and I would come back to square one. Just imagine, it was easier for me to install valuable habits (like waking up at 6 in the morning, meditating and exercising daily, journaling) than to give up smoking which is something that I always saw as an addiction and a sign of weakness. I am struggling to commit again. It always feels as I am losing something. I managed to quit smoking at work but after work.. It is something that I am unable to resist. Or in other words, there is something that keeps me from fully commiting to go through a certain amount of pain until I feel comfortable without smoking. I know that essantially there is only that is standing in my way. So. Here I go again. I will end this now. It is a crucial stepping stone for me which prevents me from going forward in some areas and makes it harder to progress in others. Benefits that I will receive are numerous, I will just list some of them to remind myslef: Health!; Waking up easier in the morning; Not having a habit that often can become a short procrastination; Having more energy; Not having fears about how it is going to kill me or make my health terrible some day; Having extra cash to spend each month; Eliminating addictions is very important in raising consciousness; I won't have to spend my energy thinking about it. DAY 287 Today was a bit different. Mainly because tasks at work were a bit unusual and also my eyes felt so tired in the morning. I had a hard time looking at monitor. I am wondering can it be because of the change in eating habits? Lets see if it happens again. Did not smoke today. DAY 288 This morning I woke up and enrolled in "Inner Engineering" online course. I will start working on it tomorrow when I get back home. Looking forward to it. It is one thing to watch Sadhguru videos on youtube but it will probably be quite different. When visiting my parents home I noticed the rug pattern in my room. I lived here for a long time but never spent more than a few seconds studying this pattern. Well, maybe when we were buying the rug I paid more attention. It is easy to overlook something that is always near to you. I like the saying "fish sees water last". It so happened that I started Inner Engineering course today. First I thought it is much like youtube videos that I have watched but after finishing first lesson I can see that it is more structured which eventually gave me fresh clarity about certain fundamentals of life. On top of that watched a lot of Sadhguru videos on youtube channel. DAY 289 I really wanted to eat this morning. It so happened that I had to go to work today. It was difficult to concentrate and I decided to have lunch earlier. Not eating for 6 hours after waking up is probably not the best idea. It might be better to skip dinner instead of breakfast or maybe I can keep skipping breakfast but only on workdays. Not sure yet, just thinking "out loud". Today I attended a second lesson in "Inner engineering". Also smoked. Also seriously considered breaking up with my girlfriend but did not do it. I feel like I am procrastinating here. It is so difficult. I am not sure if it is a right thing to do. It is a possibility. Somewhere inside I feel that this will happen sooner or later. Second part of the day was a mess. WEEK 41 REVIEW Goal review Routine goals: Exercising +breathing exercises daily - Check (7/7) Affirmation habit - Removing this one. I do it sometimes but I am not going to make it something that "I have to do". Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Check (7/7) Cold shower - Cancelled for this week (0/0) I have a little sniffing and coughing going on this week. No smoking - Failure (there was an attempt once again to quit - result is 2.5 days) No gaming - Check. Limited social media time - Check. Eating healthy - Check. (Got a bit loose on the second half of the Sunday but very good otherwise) Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check . Other goals: Watching/listening through Sadhguru's youtube channel: 10 videos remaining (watched 152 videos throughout last 4 weeks). + Inner engineering course (5 lessons remaining). Thoughts I have displayed a high effectiveness in clearing my to do list which was really full this week. I have also finished Sadhguru videos on youtube but since I made the playlist already 48 new videos have been added to his channel (38 were watched this week). Combined with an "Inner engineering" course there is so much more to watch. I need to sort out my relationship situation. As most of you know this is really heavy stuff. I do not know what to do. I need some calarity. Oh, and I will work on removing my smoking habit. Part of me wants to remove all the entries on how I tried to quit this week and failed. But it is important to not lie to myself and to you. That is my journey. See you next week, TakeCare

Hello everyone! I have been gone for some time. There were some notes made, there were days without journaling, there were days where I gone off track big time. WEEK 38 DAY 263 Tough morning. Overslept. Yoga class was awesome as usual. Felt really down today but after meditating in the evening everything kind of arranged itself back into place. I talked very little today. DAY 264 Meditated in the morning and at midday. Same with yoga. Day felt much longer this way somehow. Maybe because during these activities I am more present than usually. For example when I play games time flies by and after I do not remember many details. I remember few highlights. If I meditate time generally goes slower (although there are exceptions) and after meditation I still have that effect of "presentness" going on for some time. DAY 265 Did not follow through morning routine. I woke up and felt like I really need some more nap naps. I drank lemon water and slept for almost an hour. Completed my meditation and exercising later in a day. For the last few days I had this reoccurring idea about thinking without words. Several times a day I randomly picture something pleasant like someone smiling or nature. It could as well be called a visualization. DAY 266 Morning meditation was exceptionally fine. I watched how various thoughts arise in my mind and what kind of emotional imprint they leave. It is becoming more natural for me to keep a distance between my thoughts and myself as a being. I should note that I have this experience during meditation, when it comes to daily life I do get lost and identified with my thoughts very often. Three hours at work was enough to get me all very tense. Yoga as usual restored the balance. I want my relationship with work to be more relaxed because now it just becomes very unpleasant to be in my body. Once it is too late it feels really intense and being conscious becomes almost impossible. Came back home, resisted temptations to surf the net for entertainment purposes and sat for another meditation. It was quiet. DAY 267 No entry. DAY 268 & 269 20% of the time spent working. 80 % of the time spent for… you know. Same shit. There is no review for this week, because I can't really review it since couple of weeks have passed after these entries. I can only recall that I have meditated 5 days out of 7. WEEK 39 This was a lost week. It was the first time I meditated only couple of times max and I exercised like 2-3 times. I can't explain what happened but it happened. Life goes on nonetheless. WEEK 40 I was on Holidays. Traveled to Netherlands. Ate a lot of random food, cycled a lot, smoked a lot and did no journaling at all. No meditation. No exercising. That is the part I want to admit the least. Aftermath So here I am right now. Feeling lost but ready to get back on track. I feel as if I will have to learn how to walk again. I will though. Stay strong fellow travelers, TakeCare

I am a bit late on the update this week. I had my notes ready earlier but there was something holding me back. WEEK 37 DAY 256 Day of recovery. Nothing new, as usual the day after chaotic weekend is always tough. Yoga was very challenging today. Not because it was particularly hard routine but because I was not ready physically. Mentally I did alright but damn that was tough. DAY 257 Overslept. Did not meditate in the morning but found time to meditate during lunch break. Did a little bit of yoga before meditation and something peculiar happened. I was holding my leg in my hands for one of the asanas and suddenly was not my leg. It was not even a leg, it was just a thing. Also my hands were not really "mine". They were two things holding another thing and none of which was me. It was very strange experience, a new level of disassociation from my body which I have never felt so vividly. At that point a wave of thoughts surged inside which seemed to be just happening. I put my hands on my face and hold for a minute or two. Later I sat with my eyes open and watched a bird walking on the slope outside. I was absorbed by present moment and there was nothing else happening. What I felt was so different from my usual state. It was some sort of crystal clear intoxication. After I got back home I sat for another meditation. I did not expect to relive this experience and I did not feel a need for that. I was still filled with a feeling of some sort of magic inside and around me which seemed to be one. DAY 258 Morning routine completed and followed by short yoga and meditation session during lunch break Random quote - "If there is more overlap there is more space for both conflicts and love." Balance between life of expression and perception is something I have never thought about. DAY 259 I woke up feeling terrible. There was a strong physical-emotional sensation in the bottom of my stomach. Being aware of it is no fun. After I went to work it started to melt slowly. In the evening I felt fine but an entire day could be defined by that unpleasant, sort of depressive feeling. DAY 260 No entry. DAY 261 & 262 On Saturday I visited my parents. I do not like my parents too much and I have finally admitted that to myself without feeling guilty. I still call it "home" although it does not feel that way. The place where I live now feels more like home than the place where I grew up. I thought a lot about things that bother me until I came to conclusion that this is not a way to go. In a way I do not really have problems. WEEK 37 REVIEW Goal review Routine goals: Exercising +breathing exercises daily - Check (6/7) Affirmation habit - Mediocre (5/7) Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Check (6/7) (missed one day but meditated a bit more than usual on the other days) Cold shower - Check (6/6) No smoking - Failure (no efforts put there) No gaming - Failure (did a little bit of gaming on Sunday) Limited social media time - Check. Eating healthy - Failure Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check . Other goals: Reading: No progress this week again. Watching/listening through Sadhguru's youtube channel: 117 videos remaining (watched 55 videos). I will remove my smoking and gaming goals. Let the things play out on their own for now. I do feel that it is not the biggest problems. And by the way, what kind of goal is to not do something? It does not empower me neither it feels rewarding. If I focus my attention somewhere else these things might change naturally. If one tries to run away from something it tends to keep chasing. I will let it be for now, lets see what happens. Thoughts There was a decent progress on Sadhguru video watching this week. Most of the videos are less than 10 minutes, but some of them are as long as two hours. If you (somehow) have not heard of Sadhguru be sure to check him out. Eating habits got messed up this week. I attended two birthdays (one of them was celebrated twice though) and there was women's day with cakes and stuff. To be honest, many things were out of balance this week. I do not fully commit and I keep running in circles. I have installed new habits (which I am slacking a bit these days) but I am still in the same cycle of addictions. There was this remarkable experience on Tuesday though. It was the closest thing to an enlightenment experience that I have had. I am not sure if that categorizes as one but it does not matter much. Once I try to put it into words I feel that it loses its essence and I would rather just let it be there. That is it for this week, TakeCare

WEEK 36 DAY 249 It was a very productive day. I reconnected with my passion for excellence. I feel driven to act in an outstanding fashion. DAY 250 I did not smoke yesterday and I felt it this morning - it was much easier to wake up. There were perfect condition for me to smoke this evening. I came back home tired, hungry ann there was an emotional void which I wanted to fill. I sat down, put my earphones on and listening to music for 10 minutes. Did not smoke. My thought pattern in reaction to triggers has changed so quickly and so easily after I made a very firm commitment to pay 10€ for every cigarette. Finger cracking kicked in once again. I won't be pushing this hard because smoking alone requires enuogh will-power. DAY 251 Tension at work. Damn. I must be doing something wrong. I quit smoking, maybe this adds some tension. I feel kind of alright at work but after I leave there is like an hour or two until I start feeling like a human being. I try to focus on breath but often times it just evokes panic, it feels as if I just can't stay at peace and there is a need to distract myself and not be very conscious. If I try to stay conscious (which I still attempt only in a more careful way) the pressure on the chest builds up until I just have to distract myself. My conscious process makes things worse. At least for now. Maybe if I was more conscious at work I would not let this tension to accumulate to such a high level and then I wouldn't have to go through this painful discharge. This is a serious problem. It had many different shapes and forms throughout my life but it was around since my teenage years. I will do some reasearch about excesicve tension in body. Also, if you have any ideas that might be useful please do share. There is an energy inside me which at times bursts out defying any limitation that there is. It is an intense and exciting feeling. I am keeping my energy levels high. Even when panic comes I do not fall back immediately. I resist comfort and distraction until it disappears or can't handle it anymore. I have just realized that very important fact is that I am sure about creating this panic all by myself. I don't blame anything or anyone, I am fully aware that it is an inner process. Therefore, when it happens, there is some distant feeling of blame. I blame myself for making myself feel this terrible. I am also afraid, that whatever I do will make things worse (because I have created this feeling). That's why all my conscious efforts often makes things worse. This creates a closed loop. DAY 252 I am extra present today and that is not all too pleasant. I am actively observing, maybe pushing too hard at times. Losing it so oh so often but getting back on track whenever I notice. Part of me says that I should be careful. It tries to protect myself. Maybe there is no one to be protected. My energies fluctuate a lot. "Do you want authority to be the truth or do you want truth to be the authority?" - Sadhguru DAY 253 5 seconds there, 10 seconds there, 3 seconds here and there. When I say I am more present I should also mention that it is still very much fragmented. I am actively keeping my energies high but it started winding down towards the evening. Now I just wanna rest. DAY 254 & 255 I felt a temptation to be a little dishonest in my description of how I spent this weekend. Mainly because I am going to tell you a story that you have read few times already. I fell off track. I had very few obligations for other people this weekend which resulted in me doing whatever I wanted which turned out to be playing games and smoking. I will note few things that were different than usual. I saw myself making those choices. I remember very very clearly that at that particular moment there was nothing else I really wanted to do and cravings grew strong. I pushed myself hard throughout work days and I very likely exhausted my willpower resources. I could have fought harder. Friday in the evening I had few moments where I noticed myself vizualizing gaming. I did not do that consciously, it just happened and I noticed it happening. On Saturday half of the day was completely fine. I walked a lot in the city, did some sight-seeing and shopping. I got tired and cravings for a smoke hit me. I sat down on the bench and sat there for a minute feeling the absurdity of the situation. I think at that very moment I already knew that I will smoke. I just sat there trying to find a logical solution to my situation but logic was the worst choice at that moment. When I finally laid down on Sunday evening I promised myself that I won't complain or judge myself and that I will use this experience for growth. There is nothing wrong with what happened unless I decide that it is. It is all very insignificant. I feel that large chunk of my motivation is neurotic and that is exactly why I lack consistency in certain commitments that I keep making and breaking. I am doing well with meditation, exercising and journaling because I experience the value clearly. It increases quality of my life. Problem with smoking and gaming is that my attitude towards these activities is inconsistent. All the commitments I make are sincere but also naive. There are emotional states that flip my pririoties upside down. WEEK 36 REVIEW Goal review Routine goals: Exercising +breathing exercises daily - Check (6/7) Affirmation habit - Mediocre (5/7) Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Mediocre (5/7) Cold shower - Check (6/6) No smoking - Failure No gaming - Failure Limited social media time - Check. Eating healthy - Mediocre (once again weekend a bit loose) Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check . Other goals: Reading: No progress this week. Watching/listening through Sadhguru's youtube channel: 172 videos remaining (watched 45 videos). Thoughts Work routine will bring be back on track. It helps me to be more stable. If I did not have a job I would probably have a longer periods of randomness and compulsions. All this story that I am writing here is becoming a long one and I want it to be inspiring. I feel like I am moving forward but few obvious habits are causing a lot of trouble. There is still a hundred days left to my commitment to journaling. Just enough time to break those vicious cycles. Thank you for being with me, TakeCare

I started journaling by making a commitment to journal for at least a year. There is a specific format that I use every week which includes daily notes, goal review and sometimes additional thoughts and new plans/goals. I post once a week. What helps to follow through is leaving very short notes throughout the week (like main events, emotions, insights). Then on Sunday (or sometimes Monday) I sit down and elaborate on my experiences. I try to make it easy to read (for others as well as for myself) and also make it useful. I do not journal just because it feels good (and it does not always feel good). My aim is to stay on track with my goals and after a year I will sit down for a serious review of the progress which will result in making plans for the next year. Also, do not overthink it. Just try journaling. There are plenty of journals in this forum, just go through and find the format that you can relate to. Good luck!

@The Motorcyclist I am impressed that you took time to read through entire journal. I haven't done that myself yet, kind of postponing it until I reach one year of journaling. I am planning on taking a day off at work or having a weekend to fully focus on drawing some conclusions and making plans for the next year. My main two habits that I have hard time getting rid of is smoking and gaming. Main triggers for smoking: Coming back home from work, feeling tired and having a need to just take some time to chill; Social gatherings. I have learned to not smoke at work and I do not have any cravings for that except if there is someone's birthday and it starts to feel more like a social gathering than work. Problem is that many of my friends smoke (and so does my girlfriend), therefore, I really have to get ready for cravings in advance. It works if I say strict 'no' to myself before meeting someone who smokes. When it comes to workdays it would be a good idea to find some other form of reward. Maybe I should just sit and listen for music for 10 minutes with my eyes closed. I will try this next week. Triggers for gaming are of different nature. I do not game much these days. It does still happen on weekends or holidays. It is a form of distracting myself and having fun. I work hard throughout the week and sometimes I just feel as if I can't take it no more. It does result in gaming at times. For some people social gatherings are good way to recover but for me it does not work this way. I generally do not feel rested after meeting with friends. Often it is the other way around. Reading might be a good alternative. I have started reading couple months ago and there are still a lot of books on my reading list. Although sometimes I feel like I just want to disappear and gaming does that. I focus on the process intensely and nothing else exists except what is happening at that moment. To be honest, I am ok with gaming as long as it does not interfere with my main goals but I would love to find a healthier alternative. Maybe I should change the environment more often. Thanks for the advice. I listened to the seminar recording that you have shared. I liked the methodical and concrete approach. Primary patterns - chain, loop and spiral (just writing it down to not forget). Also, patterns have vulnerability (good choice of words), they rely on stimulus, thoughts and response. WEEK 35 DAY 241 My ride to work was on vivid experience of everything - the external environment, smells, sounds, combined with all my emotions and neurotic thoughts seemed to float in a some paradoxical whole. It was so strong. Everything. Throughout the day I felt the initial effect winding down and it did not bother me. Some of it has became a part of my life experience and will leave an imprint and an increased chance for this experience to reoccur, probably not in the same exact but definitely profound way. I had a busy day at work and I feel this so familiar feeling of tension in my shoulders and in my chest and I welcome it. It tells me a lot. There is no possibility to run from it. I will embrace it and love it till it will teach me all it has beneath the initial appearance of something scary, heavy and unsettling and after that I will love it even with more clarity and wholeness. Thank you life. Oh, and I have received a raise at work but as important as it is it does not even get close to this love I feel right now. DAY 242 It was a dream intensive night. When I woke up I recalled six different dreams. One of them was particularly disturbing. Very intense day at work - so much tension! I see it in entirely new light this week. Whenever I become conscious enough I try to really feel what I feel instead of trying to make myself feel great. I focus on my breath and feel it. DAY 243 Once again a lot of dreams. Still adapting. A lot of stress. I feel like after retreat my sensitivity is increased which is a good thing if one is ready. Well, I had a short but quite strong panic experience. I tried to breath into my heart so that I relax but it felt like my heart has stopped beating and there came the panic. DAY 245 I was listening to an interview with Ray Dalio in the background while working. It was mostly about economy and his life story when all the sudden he starts talking about the effect of meditation and how it has completely changed his life. Pleasant surprise. DAY 246 Morning routine very focused which helped a lot because my girlfriend woke up in terrible mood. Step through the fear at work once again. Spent an evening socializing. Met some friends, got to know few people. In general, people are so different it is difficult to comprehend. It kept me awake for some time before I finally fell asleep. DAY 247 & DAY 248 I woke up and decided that I will just let this weekend happen. I did not want anything. Woke up soaked up in meaninglessness and allowed it to take me wherever it would. Watched tv series, ate whatever I wanted, went to the museum, bought couple of clothes, played games for few hours and slept longer than usual. It all ended on Sunday's evening when out of nowhere there came this strong drive to do stuff which resulted in washing dishes, washing clothes, planning my next week, reading few bookmarked articles, taking care of some work related stuff and creating a new plan for quitting smoking. WEEK 35 REVIEW Routine goals: Exercising +breathing exercises daily - Check (5/7) Affirmation habit - Failure (3/7) Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Check (5/7) Cold shower - Check (6/6) No smoking - Failure No gaming - Failure Limited social media time - Check. Eating healthy - Check (weekend a bit loose) Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check . Other goals: Reading: Started reading Ken Wilber's "Sex, ecology, spirituality". Read 20 pages and had to start once again. I really want to understand it. Watching/listening through Sadhguru's youtube channel: 217 videos remaining (watched 35 videos). New goals: Full commitment to quitting smoking: After work instead of smoking I will sit for +/- 10 minute music session; Get rid of cigarettes, all the lighters I have in random places, rolling paper and other stuff related to smoking; I will pay my girlfriend 10€ for every cigarette I smoke (to prove the point I will go to smoke in few minutes, explain her the situation and I will pay her just to see how it feels; Having chewing gum with me at all times. That’s it for this week, TakeCare

Dear @The Motorcyclist , thank you for your kind words and ideas that you have shared. I will get back to you in my next entry since I am falling asleep this very moment and I really want my response to be adequate to the depth of your comment. WEEK 34 DAY 234 No entry. DAY 235 In the morning I pushed through with my routine. Lack of motivation was compensated with willpower. Not a long term solution but lack of motivation is also not a long term problem. I have also noticed that my will power has really grown a lot. There was a situation at work where I was unusually strict with one of clients who has a tendency to be really annoying by simply lacking patience and not trusting that information will be delivered at the time it was promised. Being raised as a "good boy" after the phone call I felt like I have done something wrong and and that had a strong impact to my emotional state. I am glad I did that because I am slowly learning to be firm when it is the most sensible thing to do. Also there was one very significant moment at work. As the day was winding down I was looking for some easy task to work on. Having read and studies a lot of material about productivity I knew it was not the right approach. Here came in will power once again and instead of focusing on the easy task I chose to focus on the important task. I have been so productive during the last hour that I have almost finished the task also making my tomorrow's to-do list shorter. This experience gave me so much satisfaction! I might naturally find myself doing the same in the future just because doing the most sensible thing is so so so rewarding. DAY 236 Yoga class was very tough today. Not because of the increased level of difficulty but because of my emotional state. Later on I had a lot of cravings and felt a bit anxious throughout the day. I think it is because I am going to take part in a 4 day retreat. I have researched few sources for information about how to make the retreat epxperience most impactful and here is what I found: Don't have specific expectations; Follow the instructions, don't just do the same stuff that you are used to; Choose meditation posture and stick with it, some physical discomfort will happen no matter what you do; After waking up early stay awake for the rest of the day - if tired go for a walk or a shower (last time I took multiple naps during the breaks); Do not eat too much; Practice mindfulness in between meditations; Don't get distracted by opposite gender; Be ready for emotional roller-coaster; Don't hesitate to ask questions if something really bothers you; Do a summary on the last day. And so it has begun. First experience was massive amount of negative projections onto other people. There was also an important point made which emphasized avoiding making meditation absolute and instead of that suggested to focus on making retreat experience whole. Eating, resting, walking, talking is also a part of the retreat and all are very significant. I made a list of questions that bother me in areas of work and relationship. DAY 237 I woke up at night because one of my new roommates were snoring like I have never heard before. When I woke up at night I was seriously afraid that there is godzilla on the other side of the room. I could not continue my sleep and after half an hour I went to sleep… in a sauna. Knee pain hit me immediately after first morning meditation. After second meditation I felt better. I felt as if I have been here for five days already. During third meditation I used a bench and it was much less painful. I feel that part of me already wants to go home. My mind keeps wandering about what I could be doing if I were home. DAY 238 Morning meditation was tough. Once again enormous amount of negative projections dominated my thoughts. That is so weird because I feel more clarity and calmness but at the same time I feel confused and a bit angry. Week, most of the anger is directed towards the snoring guy (slept in sauna once again). Part of me still wants to go home and do stuff reminding me of the rule 8 (be ready for an emotional roller-coaster). I am trying to listen to people without prejudice because I noticed that sometimes I discredit what someone is saying because I think I know better. Sure it can be true but it is a limiting habit because I might miss something (someone) important. During second meditation I focused on that overlaying unpleasant feeling that kept me company for quite a while. I reconnected with an earlier insight that things are exactly as they are and that brought me peace. My knees are causing pain even when I am using a bench but it is fine. I feel like I might getting close to a balanced state but I should not forgot about ongoing emotional roller-coaster. At one point I was waiting for dinner and going through a cooking book when all of the sudden I remembered my girlfriend and immediately I was so full of love my eyes were getting teary. It was paralyzingly strong only for 10 seconds or so but it was totally unexpected and hit me hard like a train. Few similar moments occurred in the next hour. Couple of insights: Part of me always wanted to meditate more but now it feels like I "have to" meditate. Well, I don't have to do anything. In fact, all the external circumstances allow me to meditate more. I don't have to meditate, I get to meditate. I noticed that after I judge someone in my mind I immediately start to judge myself on top of that. I focus on the fact that it is "bad", "wrong", "mean" or whatever. I kept pushing all the judging experience away from me which multiplied the pain significantly. My judgements are exactly what they are and they are nothing else but my natural response to the environment that are based on my conditioning. Getting free from them by denying is impossible. If they happened it means they happened. Every judgement becomes past almost immediately unless I keep it alive in the present for some time. I am not a "bad" person because I dislike somebody, I am not a "bad" person if I felt some anger or jealousy towards anybody. I am just simply a person (that’s the word for now, I know it could go deeper but that’s enough to illustrate the point). Third meditation was spent repeating "life is exactly what it is". That’s the mantra that really resonates for me. My mind wandered a bit but the mantra stayed continuous for the most time. I feel lighter, I feel present. DAY 239 I was wandering about what I will be bringing back home after the retreat and I remembered tip number 1 (do not have specific expectations). Also thinking about that does not help me to be present. I had a tough morning meditation. Mainly because of the knees. During second meditation I struck "gold". Which was an insight into how much suppressed anger I have inside. To put it frankly, I hate people for million reasons. What see when they look at me is someone who is very diplomatic, cares about people and wants everyone to be happy. And that is true! Well, it is a partial truth because at the same time I hate people who want to "show off" (although I do that, just in an indirect way), I hate lazy people (although I can be lazy too), I hate people who judge people (although that is my full-time hobby), I hate indecisive people (because they remind me how indecisive and uncertain I can be) and so on and on and on. It all is just a bunch of projections, alright, I get it, my intellect is capable to see that but it does not stop me from getting triggered to feel what I feel. How do I change that or how does it change? I guess natural first step would be to become fully aware of that. Well, I thought I was aware already until today it all hovered in front of my eyes not letting me to see anything else but my projections. My awareness of this particular aspect has deepened. Big chunk of my thoughts are projections of expressions of dissatisfaction with myself. Maybe that’s why I feel like I can't relax completely. Even now there is a heavy cloud hanging over me. Keep in mind that while I am saying that I want to emphasize that I have never ever been so happy and fulfilled as I have been for last few months. Also, I have never experienced so much continuous growth as I did for the last 239 days since I have started journaling. Who could have thought that discovering how shallow and delusional I am could be so rewarding? I feel that being honest with oneself is invaluable and everyone naturally agrees with this idea but the true meaning of self directed honesty, when it comes to experiential level, is not something I am capable to put in words. Third meditation was amazing. Even my knees were relatively quiet. I sat there smiling and I was simply happy. Light, clear and happy. I felt like I had a rope in my hands which was slowly moving through my palms and there were knots which I haven't seen before. I was untying one know after another with care and peace. That’s a sketchy metaphor but it was very vivid this evening. Fourth meditation was combined with zikra practice which I had a hard time with. I go naturally with mantras, but zikra practice feels a bit too much for now. Did it nonetheless (tip number 2 - Follow the instructions, don't just do the same stuff that you are used to;). DAY 240 Morning meditation was probably the worst so far. My knees were screaming and on top of that it was cold. Later I had an insightful conversation with one of the new friends I have been blessed with. We talked a lot being good boy/girl, suppressing and expressing anger. The tone of conversation was light and fun but at the same time deep and meaningful. I became aware (or rather it was pointed out to me) that I have this weird language pattern where I switch the "I" with "you" when telling a story. It is quite subtle and there is a meaning beyond just grammar. There also were kind-hearted and honest comments about what others saw in me that left me speechless. The end is coming and I have this weird feeling of uncertainty. Also some cravings. I am waiting for the end while fully aware that nothing really ends. I am back home and there is so much resonating inside I am having a hard time doing the most simple stuff. It is not entirely a pleasant feeling it just too much of everything. There is a storm inside. A storm of wonder, uncertainty, excitement, fear and love. WEEK 34 REVIEW Goals There will be no goal review because of a completely different week format. Thoughts It is really difficult for me to add something more to this entry. One thing that I will do though is I will go through the tips that I read before retreat and leave short comments based on my experience: Don't have specific expectations; (very important, having too many expectations may keep one away from what is) Follow the instructions, don't just do the same stuff that you are used to; (good point, some practices brought me out of comfort zone big time but they were very valuable) Choose meditation posture and stick with it, some physical discomfort will happen no matter what you do; (this one I do not agree with. I switched my posture quite a lot but I did not feel like I had much choice. If I stayed cross-legged all the time I probably would have spent much more attention on pain and might have experienced some physical trauma) After waking up early stay awake for the rest of the day - if tired go for a walk or a shower (this one might depend on the retreat routine,. The emount of sleep I had through the night was not enough to keep me going through the day. Forcing myself to stay awake did not seem like a good idea because if I don't have a certain amount of energy and sit to meditate the meditation becomes all about not falling asleep); Do not eat too much; (kind of obvious and is also easy to do with vegetarian food. In my daily life my diet is not vegerian.) Practice mindfulnees in between meditations; (very very important. Everything can be seen as meditation during retreat) Don't get distracted by opposite gender; (Yeah, this happened. Easier said than done) Be ready for emotional rollercoaster; (Good point to remember. Helps to avoid resisting certain emotions) Dont hesitate to ask questions if something really bothers you; (I did not ask questions except internally. But yeah, if there is something bothering inside it is important to ask) Do a summary on the last day. (my summary is this journal entry) Back to daily life! Not sure how to do that. 5 hours of sadhana for four days has its effect. Looking forward to meditation tomorrow morning. Looking forward to living the rest of my life which is all in the present. Thank you for being with me, TakeCare

WEEK 33 DAY 227 Still not 100% healthy but feeling alright. The day has began with a sense of mystery. Everything felt like something new. Cold weather outside, people, traffic. I felt like I was back, ready to continue the journey. I also felt that it all is going to move into next phase which is all about dealing with the consequences of the last week. The week of sickness, the week of laziness, the week of stimulation and compulsions. The week where the cold I caught became a big enough reason to temporarily lose any kind of active involvement in making decisions and all was determined by compulsions. Fingers cracked 5 times. DAY 228 Morning routine restored ! I am not doing cold shower this week because of health reasons but all the rest was on point. During the first half of the day I was experiencing a lot of resistance for a certain task I had at work. I had to change my approach several times until I managed to get it done. It was so easy to get distracted. Once I felt that I do not want to do this task immediatelly I was presented with a bundle of reasons for avoiding the task. Each little step I took forward was a little breakthrough. That was probably one of the most rewarding experiences I had at work for a long time. Fingers cracked 6 times. DAY 229 I had a vivid insight today about how all the self-growth and self-development is an illusion. I am always going to be exactly where I am. I cannot change or grow into anything. I felt that the real me is something that is permanent. Circumstances might change, environment might change, emotions might change, habits might change, needs might change but that which is me is what it is and there is nothing else that it can be and that is the reason why it is me. Sounds like a play of words but shit that is something deep that I am trying to communicate and don't get me wrong - it is not something scary that has happened. Actually, this insight felt liberating. Fingers cracked once. DAY 230 I had an interesting idea today. Whenever I am able to concentrate on any task to a certain degree I generally have a good time. This means that having a good time is more about being able to concentrate on what you are doing than about what are you doing. Also today was a presentation for our closed office competition and I won third place Hooray! I should mention that there were only three participants though but the thing is that I showed initiative since most of the people did not have an entry at all. Also the price of 100€ was aquired which is nice. Fingers cracked once. DAY 231 Fingers cracked 2 times. DAY 232 I spent two hours walking in my hometown. No specific purpose in mind just observing both the environment and my wandering mind. I remembered that I am afraid to walk on ice. Logically I knew it for sure is strong enough to hold me but there were almost no people around and I had this scenario playing out in my imagination where the ice breaks and there is no one to help me get out of the lake. It did not stop me from walking on ice but there was some tension. I think I always knew that I am afraid of that because I had an accident many years ago although I have never honestly admitted having this fear. Also note to myself: going back home is always a challenge to my eating habits. I was balancing alright except one occasion where I definetely could have stopped eating earlier. Fingers cracked once. DAY 233 Slept for 10,5 hours tonight. I woke up, switched off the alarm and thought that I will lay down for 15 minutes or so. It so happened that 15 minutes became 2,5 hours. On workdays I always wake up immediately. There are no debates in my mind whether to sleep some more or not. On weekends I am not that strict although I am starting to think that I should change that. Based on my experience, for most people sleeping long time is a pleasure. For me almost always it feels like a waste of time. The thing is that physically it does not feel good. Even now I feel a bit dizzy and not fully awake. If I set an alarm I might as well wake up. On those rare occasions when I feel that I really need some more sleep I should set alarm for another 15 or 30 minutes. That’s it. I felt pretty crappy for first few hours this morning. It is still very difficult for me to fully own those emotions. The impulse to distance myself from what is unpleasant is like a bad habit. I did well though. Meditated for an hour today. Next week I will be attending retreat for four days so I decided to meditate longer since there will be four daily meditations which last one hour (unless it will be different this time). It was refreshing. I laid down on the floor for another 10 minutes after it thinking about thinking. It seems that verbal expression is like an echo of an actual thought. The pure thought is much faster and I do not necessarily need to put everything in words to understand it. Is it possible to develop ability to think without words in a daily life? Or is it so different that it is not entirely correct to call that "thinking"? WEEK 33 REVIEW Routine goals: Exercising +breathing exercises daily - Check (7/7) Affirmation habit - Check (5/7) Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Check (7/7) Cold shower - Skipped this week because of recent illness. No smoking - Failure. No gaming - Check. Limited social media time - Check. Eating healthy - Check (weekend was not perfect though) Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check . Other goals: Reading: Finished reading Marcus Aurelius "Meditations". Watching/listening through Sadhguru's youtube channel: 252 videos remaining. Thoughts After last week's sickness I have came back into my routine with a fast pace. Really glad about that. Also, I have finished reading Marcus Aurelius "Meditations". It is not an easy read. It demands a certain level of focus. I did smoke this week. Did not attempt to do anything about that. I will next week. I will quit eventually. If you have some time please don't hesitate to watch this video. There are quite a few golden nuggets there. That is it for this week, thank you for reading, TakeCare

WEEK 32 DAY 220 I woke up a little bit sick this morning. Sat down to meditate and it was really challenging. I scanned all the sensations in my body and it did not feel pleasant. At that point I did not understand that I was about to get sick. Another thing that I did not anticipate at that point is that so many things will be so different for the rest of the week. DAYS 221 & 222 Woke up feeling poorly, went to job two hours earlier just because I couldn't sleep. Finished the work that was necessary for today's meeting and left telling my co-workers that I will work from home today. Working at home while sick? That is not something that I wish for anyone. Basically I struggled a lot with my not so difficult tasks, had a hard time concentrating and also experienced some anger because I should be lying in bed and not working (although that was my choice). DAYS 223 & 224 These two days were a giant leap back to living a compulsion driven life. Eating all the sweets that have accumulated during Christmas season? Sure, why not. Spending hours on youtube watching entertainment based videos? Oh yes. Smoking? Of course, I do not even care that I am sick. Playing computer games? You know the answer. Friday in the evening I sat down in the kitchen and just did not know what to do now. How do I get back on track? I tried to read Marcus Aurelius "Meditations" but my eyes were too tired because of gaming all day long. DAYS 225 & 226 These two days were my first steps towards recovery. I had a lot of work to do on one of the projects because we are having a competition at work where I can win a small amount of cash but more importantly express my creativity and boost my reputation before asking for a raise (this will be coming in a couple of months). And so I worked. I think it was about 12 hours both days. Still felt pretty poorly dealing with a cold by drinking tea, spraying stuff into my nose, sitting at home dressed as an eskimo. Managed to complete the task and enjoyed a feeling of actually completing something important. WEEK 32 REVIEW Routine goals: Exercising +breathing exercises daily - Sick. Affirmation habit - No attempt here. Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Sick, although I feel that I could have at least tried (1/7). Cold shower - Sick, No smoking - Failure. No gaming - Failure. Limited social media time - Failure. Eating healthy - Failure. Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check. Other goals: Reading: Started reading Marcus Aurelius "Meditations" (only read one page or so) Watching/listening through Sadhguru's youtube channel: 265 videos left. Prepared for a competition - Check. Thoughts What about doing the most sensible thing at any given situation? Ech... Next week will require active effort to balance my routine. If you are reading my journal for a while now you can easily see behavioural patterns that I constantly get back to. Sometimes I am have doubts whether I am actually moving in some direction. Luckily, whenever I take time to answer this question I always honestly come to the conclusion that life is moving forward faster than it has ever did before no matter how rocky the road might be. Thank you for being here with me, TakeCare

WEEK 31 DAY 213 I woke up feeling good. Usually, after such a day as yesterday, I would feel devastated. There was some pressure on my chest. If you read my journal some time ago you know that I was struggling with it. It is the feling that used to lead to panic attacks from time to time. Came back home, did not smoke, ate healthy, did not waste time. I even sat for a second 30 minute meditation. There is more tension than usual, I think it is because of yesterday's overstimulation. Fingers cracked 4 times. DAY 214 As usual I woke up immediately after alarm went off. Prepared lemon water, completed breathing exercises, yoga routine and meditated for half an hour. Seems like a good way to start mindful day but 10 minutes later I get into argument with my girlfriend which continues for like 15 minutes. Not to mention it was totally stupid argument about small daily things. Gosh.. I came home and all of the sudden I was overwhelmed by a mix of sadness and dissatisfaction (for no particular reason). I laid down on bed for few minutes and thought about what I was going to do. I knew that I have already decided - I will smoke this evening. And I did. Fuck. My. Life. Later, with a hope to restore balance, I sat for second meditation today. I have finished audiobook on binaural beats and following that I will be experimenting for a while now. First experience of meditating with binaural beats felt different from usual meditation. Can't distinguish if it was less or more effective but it was obviously different. Fingers cracked 4 times. DAY 215 Morning train of thought was crazy. 20 different topics with several bullet that cause negative emotions. Non-stop. All of it is more or less sutle but stuff accumulates. Level of awareness has been high today. I think there are very good reasons why in general awareness is limited. One has to be ready to handle it. Every increase in ability to perceive "what is" can and most of the time is challenging. That is based on my experience. The pressure on chest visited me once again. For quite a while I did not experience this only last few days I started feeling it again. Is it related to smoking? Or maybe this feeling is linked in some indirect way ( smoking causes something that causes feeling pressure?) Shit. It is really heavy. After lunch it got better but there still was some tention hanging around. Had major cravings for a smoke after I got back home. Started reading Marcus Aurelius "Meditations". Fingers cracked 4 times. DAY 216 It is morning now. I will do my best to stop this finger cracking habit. --- Yoga class was tough today. Also, I just realized that for a while I had a constant negative stream of emotions working in the background. Feeling fine now though. Jesus fliipin Crust I have just semi-accidentally cracked a finger. Shit. Fingers cracked 1 time. DAY 217 While preparing breakfast (which lasted not more than 10 minutes) I found myself feeling tension in my shoulders. Not once, but seven times !!! The day was just beginning, I have completed my morning routine and despite of that I can't keep my body relaxed. In the evening I was so tired. It is not a big surprise to feel exhausted when I am so tense throughout the day. Fingers cracked 2 times. DAY 218 I experienced some anger this morning. I got triggered by the negativity experienced in the external environment which was created by another person. Before I had a chance to react it was already accepted by my system and became my anger. All this event is a minor issue I might be blowing it out of proportion but it is important for me. I am striving to become emotionally unshakeable when it comes to reacting to external events. Fingers cracked 2 times. DAY 219 Today I had an occasion to celebrate with my closest relatives. Generally in my home environment I get triggered very easily but I did fine today. It was far from perfect but there was a better level of self-awareness and more enjoyable time than usually. Fingers cracked 1 time. WEEK 31 REVIEW Goals Routine goals: Exercising +breathing exercises daily - Check (7/7) Affirmation habit - Check (6/7) Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Check (7/7). Cold shower - Check (7/7) No smoking - Failure. No gaming - Check. Limited social media time - Check. Eating healthy - Check Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check. Long term: Reading: Started reading Marcus Aurelius "Meditations" Watching/listening through Sadhguru's youtube channel: 286 videos left. Thoughts: The main issue that three days out of seven I smoked and I did not feel bad about it. I am once again considering smoking "from time to time" which is bullshit in a way. I am not that well-balanced. I feel that I need to at least set some limit to how much smoking is ok. But once I set the limit immediately some tension arises and when I am in one of my "downs" I might ignore the limit. It happened many times before. One of the scenarios could be if I smoked from time to time without having a compulsion to smoke. Something like once or twice a week. Ideal scenario would be for me to really feel that smoking is stupid and that it makes me feel bad physically (and sometimes emotionally). I do see it this way sometimes but sometimes it is the thing that I crave for. So. The plan is to not set any boundaries. I will do a visualization every morning where I truly focus on how it makes me feel. I will have no expectations and I will not use will power to stop myself. The only thing I will do I will just ask myself if I truly feel that it is the thing that I really want to be doing. That’s it. Besides that it was a good week. I will have a lot of work coming next week which is fine because it is something that I want to do. In general I want to focus on just simply doing the most sensible thing. Not the right thing, not the wrong thing, not the good ar bad thing but the most sensible, the most appropriate thing at a particular situation. This is the mindset that I am trying to make the core of the way I am operating. Thank you for reading, TakeCare

WEEK 30 DAY 206 I felt different in my body today. My back is a trouble for almost a week but despite of that I felt vibrant. I also felt lighter. I think continuous yoga practice has started delivering some physical results. Also, I did not smoke for two weeks already and that also affects my physical well-being. New affirmation appeared unexpectedly many times throughout a day - "pay attention". Finished reading "Inner engineering". It was a very good reading material even though in the very end there was some stuff that I had hard time taking seriously. I still identify my personality as "rational". It is more open-minded than ever but still really suspicious to various woo-woo concepts. Tomorrow I will start listening to Bill Harris "The new science of super awareness" Fingers cracked 5 times. DAY 207 Towards the evening my life powers have disappeared. It has been a while since the last time I felt so tired. I have no idea why though. Also I feel there is no way back for me. I can't see myself completely dropping the path that I am treading on right now. Fingers cracked 4 times. DAY 208 Everyday listening a little bit of "The New Science of Super Awareness". So far quite interesting although still not much talk about the actual mothods that are going to be shared. Looking forward to that. My days are different from what they used to be. Fingers cracked 2 times. DAY 209 Intense day at work. Awareness was lower than usual. Once stress is perceived awareness drops significantly. Yoga class was tough. Feeling fine though. Fingers cracked 4 times. DAY 210 I had an important meeting this morning and another one in the afternoon. A different pace than usual. This evening urge to smoke presented itself in a very subtle form. It did not look like it is a bad thing, I even was sure that if I smoke now I will not start smoking daily. I dropped that certainty few minutes later when I finally smelled that it is bullshit. I felt tired at that time and I was looking for some form of reward. I did not smoke but it was a risky situation. Fingers cracked 3 times. DAY 211 Morning routine required a fair share of will power. I was not at home, maybe that's why. Different pattern. Later on day became very mellow. I do not mean this in a positive way. It was mellow but also heavy. I often find weekends more challenging than work days. Maybe it is because in 5 work days a lot of unresolved questions and suppressed emotions accumulate and weekend (or at least one day of the weekend) goes for restoring balance. I started noticing new windows of possibility that open for just a few seconds. It might be in the middle of conversation or when choosing what to do next or when seeing a possibility to go beyond certain blocks that keep me stuck or whatever but the thing is that it is scary. I think I am slowly starting to be more and more aware of how often I actually choose safety instead of growth. What this means is that once I have enough awareness I actually can start making choices consciously. Easier said than done though. Fingers cracked 4 times. DAY 212 Today was a majestic leap back to old habits. This was like a completely separate reality. I did almost all the stuff that I wanted to avoid for the last three weeks. I did not play any computer games but I ate unhealthy, smoked, skipped morning routine and generally had a lazy time. And you know what? That is fine as long as I get back on track tomorrow. I really pushed hard since the start of the year and there was a lot of stuff which I felt like I "have" to do. I followed through just fine but something was out of balance. Goals *Sunday is not included into goal review. ** Also, goal review format is a little bit adjusted. Routine goals: Exercising +breathing exercises daily - Check (6/6) Affirmation habit - Check (6/6) Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Check (6/6). Cold shower - Check (6/6) No smoking - Check. No gaming - Check. Limited social media time - Check. (although I think my time spent on facebook is slowly increasing) Eating healthy - Check Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check. Long term: Reading: Done reading Sadhguru's "Inner engineering"; Started listening to audiobook "The New Science Of Super Awareness " by Bill Harris Watching/listening through Sadhguru's youtube channel: 351 videos left. Yoga: Found a 15 lesson yoga class which I will attend when there will be a new group announced. Also, I need to save up some money, this ain't cheap. SUNDAY WAS A TORNADO OF COMPULSIONS! Thoughts Yoga that I have at work two times a week is very good for me but I feel that it is only scratching the surface. We do not talk much about the non-physical part of yoga. Mostly we are following instructions by doing what the teacher does and that’s it. This is the reason why I decided to find some other place to get more knowledge about what I am actually doing. Also, I want to meet people who are taking this seriously and don't see yoga as just a physical exercise. I will save up money and wait until registration for the next group will be open. This might be after couple of months. Finger cracking - damn. How easily it came back into my life.. Gotta take care of it once again. I do not want to talk much about Sunday. What happened - happened. I believe I will recover tomorrow. If so then all this unhealthy behaviour might have been useful. It is possible that I have faced too much shadow material during these three weeks, More than I could handle. Or I just became lazy and used all the negativity as an excuse to dive into compulsions. Time will tell. Thank you for reading, TakeCare

WEEK 29 DAY 199 I dreamt that I smoked. I got very frustrated because I "forgot" that I am not doing that anymore. Luckily it was just a dream. Yoga class was smooth today. It felt more natural than usual, stretching was more pleasurable than I am used to. In the next days I will experiment with awareness and sleep. I will attempt to be aware the moment I fall asleep. Sounds like it is impossible. Maybe it is. It does not matter. It means nothing until I bring this idea to direct experience. In the evening while I was reading there came a thought that my biggest weakness might be that I think I know some stuff and I identify with it very firmly. Then I start to make distinctions between people that know and the ones that do not know. If I know and they don't I look down on them, If they know and I don't I look up to them. Now I read what I wrote and it does fully express what I want to say. I am not able to communicate this properly. DAY 200 Yay, two hundred days already. I do not see how falling asleep while being aware is possible. It might need several years of continuous practice and it might very well be worth it. It was a weird day. I found time to sit for a extra meditation in the evening. DAY 201 I spent my lunch break doing short yoga + meditation session. I am grateful to have this option at work. DAY 202 Can I stop trying to improve things? Can I stop attempting to change myself? It is an obsession for me. Can it be that this very obsession is what actually is preventing me from growing in certain areas? Can I just do what I do without evaluating what is right and what is wrong? After all, it is just my opinion, I do not really know which is which. Spent two minutes on facebook today. Found one useful link to an article. All else was just noise. DAY 203 Tough start. I am often evaluating my momentary situation by what I get from it. If I do something I must get something back. Well, not only something random but something that is equal to the amount of effort I put into specific activities. This is where I tend to generate a lot of noise and negative emotions. If life was a trade deal, first of all, I would have to pay for the very fact that I exist. I am in infinite debt instantly. Can I just do things that I find most appropriate at the specific moment/situation and just observe what happens? Once I do something and expect a certain result no matter what result I get I evaluate it in comparison with my expectation. This leads to distorted perception of reality. Therefore, whenever I closely identify with specific expectations I can not see what is really happening. DAY 204 I went to buy a new keyboard today. Once I entered the shop there was a pc glaring at me with my favourite game open. It was directly in front of the entrance. Oh the irony. I do not want to play it but I want to watch some tournaments. Cravings have resurfaced. I have spent 10 minutes reading some info about upcoming tournaments. DAY 205 Awareness during meditation was higher than usual. I have installed a timer for facebook because I started loosing track of time there. I am not getting lost completely, just a little bit. Today it was four minutes. I watched a video about a fox which was rescued and raised in captivity and some photos of some people that I do not really care much about. I worked for 5 hours today and later had some gaming streams on in the background while taking care of some mundane stuff. At the moment I do not feel bad about that although I feel like I should. And I also feel that if there is something that I really should do maybe I actually should not. That is also a should. Logic is taking me nowhere I just want to shut up. Thoughts Several times this week I was looking at the mirror with the feeling that something is different. I am not sure if it is actually physical or if it is just my perception of my physical body that has changed. It is a weird feeling. Living with addictions can be easier. It can be more painful but at the same time it is easier. There is always something to wait for, there are things that always make you feel better. Once you quit something there eventually come times where you just do no know what to do and you do not want to do anything. It is a feeling of emptiness that screams to be filled with some stimulating (and probably addictive) activity. Goals Morning routine: Exercising +breathing exercises daily - Check (7/7) Affirmation habit - Check (6/7) (a little bit everyday except Sunday) Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Check (7/7). Cold shower - Check (6/6) Others: No smoking - Check. No gaming - Check. (watched some streams though) Limited social media time - Check. (4 days with only one minute social media time, others <4 min) Eating healthy - Check (ate some sugary stuff on Sunday) Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check. Progress on yearly goals: Continue reading Sadhguru's "Inner engineering". I think I will finish it next week. Bought tickets to travel to Netherlands in March. Register to a retreat on February. Moving forward ! That is it for this week, TakeCare

@Kenhol It is indeed, thanks. Helps me to stay on track. When the year will be completed I will do a in-depth review of what has happened. I am sure it will be very useful for me and I hope it will help to someone else too. WEEK 28 DAY 192 Meditated, practiced yoga, ate healthy, did not smoke, did not waste time, spent one minute on social media, went out of comfort zone to meet with the people that matter. Overall, great start ! DAY 193 I woke up at 4 in the morning. Felt thirsty. My body started cleaning up because I did not smoke yesterday. I had several half-awake dreams where in the end I got confused about being awake or sleeping. I had a dream in which I went to sleep and then I woke up in real life. I was so confused when I woke up I was not sure how to continue being. So again I meditated, practiced yoga, ate healthy, did not smoke, did not waste time, spent one minute on social media, kept learning using new software. I noticed a fair amount of negative imaginary conversations and also increased tension in body. It takes effort to get back on track and all non-smoking situation affects my mood. I did not struggle though, no cravings or anything that time will come later I suppose. Although physically I felt quite poorly today. In the evening something happened to my stomach, I had to lay down and rest for a while. DAY 194 Woke up at 3 in the morning. Thirsty once again. Few more days and this shall pass. Later on morning routine took place. Still very much difficult. I noticed that I am often trying to find some sort of comfort in my yoga and meditation practice. This is a big trap. These practices are not about comfort. My life is not about comfort. It is not easy to get over it because it is how I lived my entire life. I am not saying that I never got out of comfort zone but in a way it always has been in an attempt to get comfort later. It is like a delayed gratification which in its essence is still a gratification. I don’t want this to be a guiding light for me anymore. Also, there was a birthday at work. There was a cake. I ate none. In a way I have transcended the cake lol. Towards the evening emotional storm has started. Externally I was fine but inside... I had some cravings for food and for smoking. My mind was rattling non-stop with various contradicting ideas. I have VERY difficult time not identifying with my thoughts. Uf. Great day nevertheless ! DAY 195 Tonight I woke up at 1 o'clock. Thirsty again. It is happening earlier every day. There is so much happening. If I look closely I get overwhelmed by observations. I was very tired in the evening but found some time to learn despite that. DAY 196 Woke up tonight again. This time 12 o'clock. Not sure what is happening but the way it is going it will end soon. Meditation was very strong. I kept counting from 1 to 10 trying to keep focus. It is not easy. I also understood that I did not put my best effort to meditation lately. I got kind of comfortable and started daydreaming more and actually meditating less. Well, this week it has been different. Especially this morning. DAY 197 Sometimes I underestimate how much I overestimate my growth. I am moving forward there is no doubt about that but once I change my environment to some extent I tend to go back to old patterns. I went of my comfort zone and went to meet some friends I have not seen for a while. I probably was more present with them than I have ever been before but still it were just moments. Moment here, moment there but all in all I was somewhere else. This journey is. DAY 198 I woke about half an hour before alarm clock. I laid on my back and tried to focus on breathing. It was an interesting half-awake half asleep state. Later after I woke up I felt very peaceful which made my morning routine very deep and present. Spent 5 minutes on social media today. I thought maybe I will review all the stuff I may have missed during the week and (not a big surprise) I missed nothing important. Politics are more or less the same as it was. Tragedies are being reported from all over the world. As usual a lot of click-bait articles. I watched a dog too afraid to go through the glass door which had its' glass removed. Cute. That’s what I missed. Can I live with one minute of this per day? I believe I can. And suddenly my day was struck by some news which resulted in me working for 8 hours on Sunday, getting really really angry and dealing with high level cravings. I was doing so well this week it was to good to be true. Well, today put things in balance. I was pissed. Man... I do not remember being this angry for a long time. I was so frustrated then I went to sleep I just couldn't lay, could't relax. There was a heavy pressure on my chest. I also ate a decent amount of pie today and drank 3 cups of coffee. Did not watch any gaming related content although I was so so so close to doing that. Shit. In the process of being angry I asked myself: who is the one that is being angry? I also tried focusing on breathing, repeating affirmations. No matter what I did I got stuck in an angry state because I had so much stuff to do till the end of the day. I didn't have a luxury of taking another half on hour to meditate. I just worked and raged. Not a pleasurable but a very important learning experience for me. Thoughts This week I have spent about 10+ hours learning couple of the programs from my new year resolution list and turns out they are very easy to use. There is still stuff to learn but for now I know what I need to now. I have learned features that are actually useful for my day to day work and the rest I can learn for fun at my spare time if I want to. The thing is - I have already completed one of my new year resolutions. I thought this will take a lot of time but since I already work with a lot of programs to learn couple of new programs is not hard. Feeling great about the progress that happened. There were quite a few occasions where I was about to open facebook or news portal just out of a pure habit. If there is a moment where I am not sure what to do my starts hovering towards facebook bookmark. Just few seconds of daydreaming and here it goes. Not feeling a need for social media. 1 minute per day seems to be enough. Experimented with binaural beats this week. Can't really tell if they have any significant effect but I liked the process. I will be doing more of this. It is difficult to explain but sometimes I get a really weird feeling. When I become aware of how many things are happening at this moment and how incredible and endlessly intricate reality is I imagine myself trying to explain it for someone and I just can't. I start to feel resistance because I feel a need to be able to explain my experiences in words. This pattern happened few times already and it always brings me down a little bit. I am listening to Sadhguru almost everyday. I decided that I will listen/watch every video that he has on his channel. The content that is provided there is just amazing. Also I am reading his book "Inner engineering" (as it was mentioned in my new year resolution list). Goals Morning routine: Exercising +breathing exercises daily - Check (7/7) Affirmation habit - Check (7/7) (a little bit everyday) Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Check (7/7). Cold shower - Check (6/6) Others: No smoking - Check. No gaming - Check. Limited social media time - Check. Eating healthy - Check (Weekend was a little loose) Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check. Progress on yearly goals: Learned to use two new software programs - completed (well, that was super fast.) Read half of Sadhguru's "Inner engineering". Very happy with the results displayed. Probably the most productive and most full of awareness week I have ever experienced. Thank you for reading, TakeCare

WEEK 27 There will be no daily review for this week. To sum it up: I have used willpower of a 5 year old. I did very little exercise and meditation. Daily engaged in excessive eating and various kinds of low consciousness activities. I tried to convince myself that it is the last days of year and it is an "experiment" to remind myself how I used to live. I did not buy it though. I understood that in its essence I just wanted to in various pleasures and comfort but I went along anyway. What I noticed is that my baseline level of awareness was higher no matter how little effort I put to be actively aware. So. 2017 here we go. Instant goals: Give up smoking. Give up all gaming related shit. There are absolutely no excuses or valid reasons to even consider doing any of the above. This year will not be about me "trying" to change those things. It is done. Life goes on. If I will discover that I was more fulfilled doing those things after a year I will come back to old habits. Goals: Attend minimum of 3 retreats. Experiment with diet (do a one week ascetic diet). Continue meditation practice. Continue yoga practice. Travel to 2 different countries. Learn to use 2 specific software programs that would be useful to my job. Continue minimizing the time I spend on social media and news to one minute per day. Read list: Sadhguru "Inner engineering" Ken Wilber "Sex, ecology, spirituality" Marcus Aurelius "Meditations" Epictetus "Discourses" Series of journals and two books related to my profession (not going into the specifics) + Adding more books when this list is completed. Underlying theme of the year - transforming my need for comfort. I am willing to go crazy so to speak. That is it. Wish me luck, TakeCare

WEEK 26 DAY 180 Uf. I twisted my arm a bit so no yoga at least for today. Meditated for 5 minutes. Just could not sit there. I will get back on track tomorrow. DAY 181 Woke up in time, exercised then managed to meditate for 10 minutes (sadly, this is an improvement), then went back to bed. I have this feeling from time to time that I just want to do something crazy, something radically different. It feels as if I cannot keep going the way I am going although when I look at my life it is better than it has ever been before. Well, first thing that I am going to do is meditate since I did not manage to do that in the morning. --- It was refreshing. A lot of thoughts and level of awareness was relatively low but refreshing nonetheless. DAY 182 Christmas is almost here. I realized this morning that I have to seriously dedicate some time to get ready to face all the challenges that await - communicating with relatives, food, laziness, more challenging morning routine and so on. Also, I came to work two hours earlier. I found the way to do my morning routine during lunch break. There is a room where I can go during lunch break, usually no one goes there. So I did my 20 minutes of yoga and 30 minute meditation undisturbed. I am glad that there was a certain level of flexibility expressed. Not in yoga but in being able to complete what I want despite circumstances (yoga was great too though). Oh and by the way, I removed all games from my computer. Not the first time this year but still a necessary action to take at the moment. DAY 183 Crazy times at work but I feel energized. I observe myself and environment, I keep bringing attention to my breathing and it feels amazing. Also, I got a bonus at my job. That was unexpected. Funny thing is that I first became excited and only then I was informed about the bonus. Bonus did not make me happy or excited, it intensified those feelings but they were present before good news came in. I guess my efforts on consistency that I have displayed was noticed. DAY 184 Christmas almost here. What it means this days is so far form what it originally was all about. My country is considered to be christian country although almost none of my relatives consistently go to church or pray (unless something terrible happens). Culturally it has a strong impact to daily routine. You get day off to meet your relatives and embrace the limit of your stomach by consuming extreme amounts of various food. I am going home tomorrow. Anticipation is not really there. My Christmas experience is generally very mixed up and overall it has a disempowering effect. DAY 185 & DAY 186 Staying strong. Balancing the food pretty well although there is social pressure to EAT fucking everything. Try this try that, someone spent hours making a cake or a stake so you HAVE to try it. You have to. And "trying it" means eating a full portion. Also people getting into discussions that really mean nothing. One distortion against another distortion without an intention to find truth. It is all about trying to convince someone. Another popular topic is called "time flies fast". I was not understood when I said that time goes in a pace as it goes and it always has been this way (I really felt an urge to add that there is only this moment but that would have been a fuel for another useless debate). I was told that I am still young and that is why it looks this way for me. "You will not notice how fast life goes by" someone said. Well, thank you for projecting your version of reality on me. I even have people my age saying "shit another year passed, I did not even notice". I guess that is a weak spot for me. Triggers me every time. There was also some drama, some tears, some people trying to fix stuff, some people drinking too much. Just like always. Christmas. This might very well be the last Christmas of this kind for me. WEEK 25 REVIEW Goals Morning routine: Exercising +breathing exercises daily - Fine for Christmas period (4/6) Affirmation habit - Fine for Christmas period (5/7) Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Fine for Christmas period (5/7). Learning for 30 minutes in the morning - Removing this goal. I will change it to more specific by making a plan to learn specific stuff in a specific period of time. Cold shower - Check (6/6) Others: No gaming - Check. Limited social media time - Check. Eating healthy - Lol. Of course failure. One does not easily withstand Christmas when it comes to food. Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check. Thoughts Chaotic week. Worse than my usual week but better than any other Christmas I have ever had. Also, I have already started making a plan for next year. This is exciting. Thank you for reading, TakeCare