WhatAmI

I am meditating and want to grow spiritually, but I think relationships are important as well. You never ever hear of monks or spiritual teachers caring about sex. Sex is a human pleasure that you are supposedly supposed to get over once you realise that you can reach higher states of bliss and connect with the divine nature of consciousness. But in my experience, you can grow a lot from relationships and it is one of the beautiful things about being human. I don't want to give it up. Is the fact that im finding it hard to detach from relationships signalling that I have a long way to go before being enlightened?

Let me be honest - I love my boyfriend. He is an amazing person. However: I feel like the more I look into Leo's videos, and meditate, the more I realise that my true source of happiness is realising the Truth. My boyfriend does meditate but he doesn't take it very seriously. When I see him I have made an effort to make sure we meditate, but the issue is that maybe 5-10 minutes of meditating together, he starts to be suggestive and we just end up having sex. Whilst it is nice to have sex - It's just not fulfilling because I know that deep down, what would have made me happier is if we meditated for half an hour like we planned. I have told him that this is bothering me but I don't think he gets it. I don't want to be annoying and continue repeating myself because he is smart enough to comprehend me. this issue has been going on for months. I don't feel like he is making enough effort to meditate on his own. its just bothering me because I don't see us lasting if we aren't progressing at the same rate. Reasons why I feel like I shouldn't break up with him: 1. Instead of meditating, he is better at practicing mindfulness in daily life than me. I often find that I am so caught up in progressing with meditation etc that I neglect important things such as planning for a future, and succeeding in a career. I find it hard to work on my career/studies because I would just rather meditate. As a result - I am struggling to pay for things and always am stressed about money because I don't put much effort into improving my career. Being with him has taught me that it is important to have a career because it will take away a lot of stress within this physical life, as being an adult unfortunately involves having to pay rent/groceries/bills. Instead of having this idea that "i should be meditating" instead of studying, he reminds me through setting an example, that happiness is found with engaging in the present moment. 2. He is extroverted and better at engaging in this physical human existence. I have existential crises VERY OFTEN as a result of meditation and self inquiry. Because he doesn't meditate as much, he doesn't really get caught up in the emotions that come with ego death and is able to just BE in the moment. 3. He practices unconditional love for me. Here I am, complaining that he is not good enough, but despite my faults, he does love me. He finds it easier to experience 'oneness' with others, whilst I find it easier to sit in 'nothingness'. He teaches me that connection is one part of spiritual growth, whereas the path that I often go down is that everything is nothing and nothing is everything etc. Reasons why I should break up with him: 1. He doesn't watch any of Leo's video's that I send him because they are 'too long'. This bothers me so much because its like whats the point being together if we can't even talk about deep content. 2. He doesn't take meditation seriously and just wants to live in the moment. He doesn't do self-inquiry, just mindfulness meditation. 3. He wants us to have a future living together, have a family together etc one day. I am just not sure that that is my path. I just want to pursue spirituality deeper and that having a family to raise is just a waste of time. I feel like if I continue being with him, it might disappoint him one day because I can't give him the future he wants and he won't be happy with a future that I want (which is basically just to pursue truth all day every day but Im not sure how I can make this a full time lifestyle but its what I would want one day) I have expressed my opinions about the possibility of us breaking up. Because in reality, we don't NEED each other. We are complete on our own without needing another person. He has always convinced me that we are helping each other grow/develop and that no one is perfect.. Im just not sure. I want to be certain before I bring it up again. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Definitely will see him less often, that's a good tip.

Thanks for your input everyone. It hit me, from reading your advice, that I am trying to change him. I have also forced him into meditation related events that I am interested in, and because he loves me, he does go sometimes, but sometimes doesn't. He has his path and I have mine. I'm going to meditate independently and do my own practice. Without having to force him into it. And ill try meditate before seeing him so I will become unattached to the idea of us meditating together. To me, the ultimate couple goals is successfully meditating together. Maybe that could happen for us one day but it's not meant to happen at this point in life and that's okay. I feel better now, thanks again

The main thing that I got from leo's video is just to be authentically 'you', and apply your masculinity (or femininity) to whatever activity you are doing. so for a girl, it would mean being feminine even if the activity is stereotyped as something guys would do, like pulling weeds, or changing lightbulbs or fixing things. I consider myself on the extreme end of femininity - i do everything gently and i'm super emotional and I follow my intuition instead of my brain. I don't like doing anything super strenuous like boxing or fighting or eating anything that's too heavy like steak or something. But leo's video made me realise: hey, there is masculinity in me somewhere, and I need to somehow figure out what that would mean for me. The list i'm thinking of is: 1. do logical things - like read my bank statements, go to work on time (i usually avoid reading anything that's serious and involves numbers, which reminds me I still need to do my tax return) 2. be more vocal/courageous about what I think - like say things with no fucks given, instead of holding stuff in and agreeing with people But I can't think of anything else! What other practical things could girls do to cultivate masculinity? any feedback is appreciated xxxx

Yeah I think it's incredible what you experienced as well! so many people live there entire lives meditating and still would not have felt what you did. Don't let internet trolls dishearten you. they're words are just as meaningless as anyone else's. the only person whose opinion matters is yours! because you created it

I'm curious about how it happened too! did you meditate and then suddenly this realisation came to you? or were you doing something and then it happened?

I was doing some self inquiry yesterday and was thinking (not through my mind but through experience): Who is aware of my breathing? I am breathing in and out irregularly and sometimes holding my breath so therefore i am not my breath. And i became fully aware of everything in my body. Am i the awareness of my body? sometimes i am aware of my body and sometimes i am not, my awareness shifts from inside my body, to my external surroundings, to my thoughts. You are always aware, so you are 'awareness', but you are not anything you are aware of/observing. But what about when i am asleep? At this point i literally fell asleep. When i am sleeping, i am not aware. I am still me, even though i am not conscious/aware of existence in deep sleep. So i cant be awareness. So if i am not awareness/consciousness, what am i? Thats when i think: i am nothingness, when im sleeping. So now im thinking, is my journey in this life to get me to consciously feel as calm and unatttached as i am when i am asleep? Because when i sleep, i literally merge with reality without judgement and ego. Is this my true self? Your thoughts are appreciated xxxx

@Emerald Wilkins wow that's so sweet of you to do that!! I'm definitely going to watch now and subscribe thank you so much xxxxx

@ishaq you don't 'need' to be fully aware of every single cell in the body. I meant that I was aware of my awareness. The subject of my awareness is not important. Don't become attached to the object/feeling/thought that you are being aware of - that's the trap

@Mat Pav I can focus on my true nature through self-inquiry, whilst at the same time do personal development nothing wrong with embracing your true nature in this physical realm and improving your everyday lifestyle choices

@Leo Gura @Emerald Wilkins OMG that girl is literally me. I could never ever ever have the body acceptance to do a number two at a guy's house!!! I would feel so uncomfortable, I physically couldn't do it. I remember one time I was on a date with a guy and I really needed to poo when were were at a restaurant, but I didn't feel comfortable to do it there and held it in for over 6 hours until he dropped me home later in the night. It would be to the point that if I ever farted in front of a guy, I would be so filled with so much shame and embarrassment that I would probably stop seeing him. This just goes to show how attached I am to my ego is I guess, and how insecure I am about my nature Even though I'm not 'this body', I just feel that I could never show this part of myself to a man unless I was like married to him or some shit, and have full faith that he would not be revolted by it or leave me. Not that I need a man to prove that I am feminine, I just personally would not 'feel' feminine doing that in front of him. Maybe I'll attempt to do this in a couple years when I've let go of myself enough. @Pallero awww thank you!! That is such a good list! I am always so embarrassed when I say that I am scared of children/puppies because it is so not feminine. I'm going to try and embrace that now and also go after my dreams! I have this terrible habit where I sometimes 'play dumb' because I don't want a guy to think that I'm going to 'outsmart him' or make him feel inferior. I prefer for him to have the ideas and thoughts and I want to support him with that. But you're right, there's nothing wrong with being smart and I'll try to not be ashamed of that part of myself.

@Lucas OMG me too!

millions of people have seen this video and agree with what he says. which is great, its all great. but why do I think its bullshit (at this point in life)? relationships are a distraction. having a boyfriend is not going to make me happy. its an illusion. his body is going to die. our future children are going to die. the 'perfect' life that we would spend 30 years building is just going to be past onto other humans who themselves will spend THEIR entire lives building illusions. All my life i have made my top priority about being validated by a boyfriend. being loved by something external to me. the amount of years gone, the amount of effort, WASTED on that shit, when what I SHOULD have been finding my True self. The speaker in the video is promoting self-image, of loving others when in reality, none of us TRULY know what it is like to love. How can you love someone's true nature when you don't even know what your true nature is. I realised that I never 'really' knew what love was. Guys in the past have made me comfortable with the ego that I tried so hard to maintain. but none of it is real. and now I am seeing someone that I actually care about but I know it isn't going to make me happy. what's going to make me happy is knowing what True existence is. sorry if this sounds so fucking negative but honestly I need to vent this out. when i try to talk to people about this in real life, they just tell me to "get out and live life" and then i go out and have fun and enjoy life for a moment, I always come back to this question of "What am I". and then I get annoyed at myself for giving into social pressure and fitting into the cultural mould that everyone else is forming into. for those that have watched this video - how do you guys approach relationships in this physical life whilst pursuing enlightenment? how can you have a normal relationship, KNOWING full well that in pursuing enlightenment work, that this relationship isn't real? the relationship is happening inside awareness. The guy that I am currently interested in is into spirituality as well, but I can sense myself resisting any progress with him because I know that I cannot give him the love/affection that he deserves, without knowing myself what love/truth/reality really is. I feel bad because we were hooking up and it was like a super intense/romantic moment and then halfway through it, i had this sinking feeling in me that "this isn't real". and there was this ache in my chest. and he kept on asking me "what's wrong", and I was like "nothing". because literally there is 'nothing' wrong, its just a fucking idea that something is wrong. and I am observing myself getting fucking worked up over a fucking perception that is distracting me from me. I'm so annoyed at myself honestly for being so concerned about this petty/trivial human problem, but i feel like if I get some closure about how to approach it, then i will have less monkey chatter about it and can be calm with it, thus freeing up time to do more serious enlightenment work.

In the letting go method of leo's latest video he talks about 'becoming reality'. Instead of being in your mind, be 'out there'. Doesnt this contradict neti neti which says you are not an experience? Why would you become reality, when 'becoming reality' is itself an experience? What you really are is that intangible thing experiencing reality..

@Epsilon_The_Imperial oh okay thanks for clearing it up!! So would u say the main ways to find the true self is neti neti + strong determination sitting??

@Matthew Lamot ???

Also, yes we are already aware without doing anything. But because i can perceive myself being aware, i cannot be awareness/consciousness

If anyone is from brisbane, (Queensland, Australia) would totally be keen to meet up in real life and discuss enlightenment

I'm from brisbane!!! haha

Because AP is about getting out of your physical body, but you are getting out using your mind. Is the experience of astral projection 'reality' or is it just your imagination?

wow guys I wasn't expecting people to actually make that much effort in replying! I guess I am so confused about where I am at the moment. One day I'm focused on detachment from this body/reality, the next day I'm focused on feeling connected and loving to everyone, and the next just focusing on my breath/sensations. I feel like every day I'm doing a new kind of 'spiritual' practice and I'm not really sticking to one form. They say that you need 10,000 hours to do something well, and like i feel like i'm not getting anywhere whilst being so spiritually confused with all of this material. So overwhelming!! I've been trying to get my hands on different medications that will induce out of body experiences and to astral project in the hopes it will teach me about myself. I astral projected this week, it wasn't to a different reality or dimension or anything, it was just in my room and having a conversation with my mum, but it FELT extremely real. But then when I woke up, I woke up to this reality. I woke up to my awareness. I woke up to my everyday human experience. This is SO unbelievably frustrating. I thought astral projection was going to teach me something but honestly like I know it's not Truth. I can observe the fact that I am astral projecting so it's not my true self. SO WHAT THE FUCK AM I.............

Hi. Ive been meditating every day and have noticed that i am calmer and more aware of my actions and self expression. However, i feel like i want to be progressing faster. Where i live, theres a three year buddhism program that teaches you about enlightenment and nirvana and shit. Theres assignments and activities and exams. Should i attend this? I watch leo's videos and they havr helped me so much, would this course be a beneficial add on? My concern is that its just going to put more beliefs and dogmas in my head.To those that study buddhism, has it helped you or hindered your spiritual journey? Thanks in advance Xx

Ive been readig a lot about chemicals in the brain. The feelings and experiences that 'i' think I'm having are not actually feelings created by me, they were created by my brain. After trying psychedelics, i realised that I create my own reality. What I am seeing, i will never know if it is actually true. Its only true for me. A blind person or a deaf person will have a different experience of reality. But the common thing that all humans share is that we can observe our experience, once we draw our attention to the "thing" thats observing. We can all be aware of our experience, even if all our experiences are different. But is consciousness actually real?? Is the thing thats observing my reality actually real? To me, at this moment, i feel that the observer was created by my human mind. And that it is just a spiritual concept that humans used to be content with the fact that they can be aware. Animals cant observe themselves, though they can feel their experience. So would you say they are not conscious? And that humans that are enlightened are simply attuned to their brain chemistry and nervous system to such an extent that they feel that connectedness fullyand long term, in a similar way that psychedelics make you feel it short term? I know everyone on this forum is a human with a human brain and human experience and human capacity for observation so naturally we will never know beyond what our brain is capable of. I just wanted to get this off my chest and if anyone has thought about this or has any counter points to suggest the observer is in deed REAL and not a figment of my imagination then i would love to hear it xxxx

Being the observer can make life so boring sometimes because i know 'i' am not this feeling. Yet i still want to experience life to the fullest and still enjoy sex and friendships and all that other good stuff. Right now, i am either being one or the other. I am either a fucking detached stoic or I am a super connected being just chilling with life. How can you be fully engaged with life but detached/observing it fully at the same time? Would love any tips or advice xxx