Baz

Ok so this one is a bit difficult for me to explain but I'll do my best so that you guys can understand and hopefully give me some feedback. So this is to do with relationships in my life, family and friends. I'm an outgoing person who has a lot of people around in my life I guess one could say, "I'm the one who normally organizes" social get togethers. Anyway over the past two years or so, maybe a little more I've lost interest and have kept myself distance from the regular people in my life, by the way these people I've known for decades. I've even had comments in the past from some people saying..... hey Baz we don't even see no more, or Baz never comes out. I live with my immediate family and that's all good no issues. When I'm mentioning family I'm more talking about cousins, uncles, and aunts. And when I mention friends I'm talking about friends I've known for decades. So lately I've just been contemplating/questioning myself about it, have I lost interest? Why am I distancing myself? Have not got anything in common anymore? I'm more conscious now in the past three years than I have ever been in my whole life maybe that's got something to do with it? Have I stopped following the herd? What really is going on? Any help, advise, suggestions would be really appreciated and if you have any questions on this to ask me so that you may understand it better please let me know.

Thank you that's reassuring to see. I hope this doesn't make me become a loner

@bejapuskas I hear you, it's like I can predict the meaningless conversation even before meeting these people.

@K VIL I'll honestly can say that I most certainly don't want to get together with my farthers side of the family, so my cousins, uncles, and aunts, only on my father's side though because they are very fake. When it comes to my mother's side of the family they are ok however I still keep them at arms way. With my friends I've really closed the gap with regards to the amount I'm very very selective with which friends I spend time with now. I wouldn't say I've exhausted myself with organizing events I've just lost interest in it, I just feel as though I want to grow and self develop more and all these people whom have been around in my life for all these decades just don't have anything that can help or encourage me with my pursuit. @K VIL

I need to watch Leo's stage yellow SD again. So in your opinion you think it's because I'm maybe going deeper?

Your most welcome, Leo has loads of videos on meditation I'd recommend you watch them and start a daily meditation practice. I've been meditating now daily for two and half years and it has transformed my life for the better I got into it from watching leo, leo said in one of his videos do meditation forever until you die that's how powerful and life transforming meditation can be. Mindfulness meditation is very powerful and so is learning how to read and listen to your body. Please note though you have to be very very serious and disciplined about it there is no point doing meditation half hearted you need to put in a daily practice. When I first started I set a timer for 10mins only until I mastered the 10mins and it took me a long time then only did I start to increase my time. I'm now meditating for one hour. Take your time be patient and like I mentioned before check out Leo's videos they are amazing to help you. Good luck and keep us posted on how your getting on.

Start doing a daily meditation practice it will solve your anxiety situation or at the least minimise it the bare minimum.

Greetings one and all. Been a while since I've been on here however I just wanted to let you all know it's been one and a half years since I started meditation on a daily basis I know it's just a mildston although it's truly amazing and life transforming. Thank you for all the help and advice. X

Greetings to one and all, may I take this opportunity to introduce myself. My name is Baz I'm from the UK London to be more specific, I've only just litrality embarked on Leo's Actualized journey I came across it by accident however I'm super excited and intreeged how this journey is going to take my life to higher hieghts. So this is my first post and I would like to ask. What really good quality tips can you give me on meditation, basically I find it difficult to focus and my mind wonders and I also loose interest, I really want to focus and learn how to zone out whilst I'm meditating. Any advice or help would greatly appreciated.

I suffer from approach anxiety when it comes to approaching women, I am single and have been for about a decade. I see a beautiful women and I just freeze when it comes to going up to her either to ask her out or even just to give her a nice kind complement. I've watched Leo's vids on about this stuff, how to get a girlfriend etc etc, and still no progress. Any help and advise would be appreciated.

Yes I do. It ain't something that is just sweet sailing for me, it's hard for me and the only way I can over come it is like asking people on here and working on my psychological state to eliminate this approach anxiety situation. @shin - btw thank you for your sound advise its definitely helpful.

This is an amazing way of looking at it, I especially love the bit were you say.... "so why not scare the shit out of this one" Now I just need to put into practice!

Thank you!

Wow! Thank you so much guys. All amazing and very constructive feedback/advice. @Visionary - you make it sound so so simple. @Schmitzy - I don't flirt with women at all I tend to just keep it small talk and basic, like..... Hello how are you? Ars you up to much this weekend? Or how was your weekend? Very basic and bland convo. Part of me really really wants to ask "them out" and I visualize it all before hand but when it actually comes to the moment I just freeze and fail to execute. @STC - Do yo mean just go in there like a cold approach? @Axelk - You make a very interesting point, I guess after reading your reply and thinking about it I probably do put women up on a pedestal in my subconsciously. @Poimandres - That's correct I don't even approach because of the "approach anxiety"

Thanx pal, I will be back with an update in due course in the mean time For those who are reading this and have just started my advice would be, give it time but more importantly give it your full commitment. Your garrenteed positive results. Peace out!

Just an update, I've been meditating now for six months (mindful meditation) to be exact. And wow what a life changing experience it is, obviously for the better that is. From reading all your advice and guidance thank you once again. I'm on an amazing meditation journey.

So here it is me and my journal journey which I write daily. Well I try to as you'll see I started it on 25.04.16 25.04.16 Today I created a record notebook to note down how many cigarettes I smoke everyday I've never done this before should be an interesting visual. I went out for a jog havent done that since living in Dubai so I was very pleased will be enlightened to see how I get on. I find it very challenging to live with my dad we just don't harmonise, everyday I think about moving out. Find the dynamic very challenging to look after my niece and nephew for the better and then there mum just sometimes does the opposite of what I've worked towards with them for the better. 26.04.16 Today I tried out a new time for my daily meditation earlier than normal it proved well. I also took the initiative to tell mum to deep clean our cooker so we did it together that's what I call interdependent execution. Like everyday I take time out to read which I did today, I also looked into info about the London Marathon which I want to do next year. I had a little of anxiety with regards to my future, however through my thoughts and awareness/mindfulness I recognized it and filtered my thoughts came to terms with them and recognized it was anxiety which really helped. 27.04.16 Today I wasn't as mindfulness as I could have been which meant during some parts of the day I fell asleep i. e falling into my subconscious so I need to watch this and keep up practicing my awareness. Not to my surprise the situation came up today with resh and kids visiting there dad I just need to improve my delivery on this matter, best way to do this is to tackle it on a principle based decision and to deliver it across based on that as it holds value truth and belief. Kids homework went really well today so I'm well pleased about that accomplishment, went for a jog kept focussed and began with the end goal in mind. Generally felt content today a little bit of anxioty kicked In felt i mind managed it well tho by being mindful and having awareness. Was missing Dubai a lot today kept thinking about how much I miss it and what the experience had done to my life, I want more life changing experiences because I don't want to live a Mundain life. Daily meditation went well. 28.04.16 Man what a day it's been house chores cleaning up after others, finding it really hard to live with my family predominantly my dad and sister, just can't seem to harmonise with them, a lot of what they are and have become I don't want to be it don't get me wrong I'm not say they are bad/horrible people in fact far from it all I'm saying is I feel I'm not moving forward b'cos I feel I'm spoon feeding them and I don't want my life wasted away in doing so, I know this sounds and is selfish but that's how I feel. I want to move out I know I'm entering a paradigm shift which I see things completely different from them hence the relationship feels like a total clash. Is it me is there something wrong with me am I getting mind masturbated with all this self Actualized stuff I'm studying? I just feel trapped and I don't like it. I don't my life to have the out come as my family members in some ways I feel bad saying this my family really supported me when I moved to Dubai but I'm just being honest. My walk went well really enjoyed it. 29.04.16 Today wasn't well at all, need to give up smoking as a long term goal, really really need to work on this for the benefit of my future health. Also need to be aware of Simran not fearing me I want her to know that my I'm disciplining her for the right reasons so she needs to understand the long term goal don't want her to fear me at all. Went out for dinner for laoo-bhai b'day as family which was amazing. Keep mindful about my health. Doctor said I need to keep relaxed and it has to be internally. 30.04.16 Had a real interesting internal thought today which was how when I got back from Dubz how much I saying and believing that we was cursed, how everything was just going against us what with the stresses of resh and her actions, another thought crossed my mind was that, how I've never really worked on myself in the past never at all looked into my own psychology until now and how much this has helped working on my paradgim and only until recent months how much I enjoy my own time to myself and by myself. I felt a gust of wind today that something incredibly amazing is going to happen toy life on top of all the amazing things already happening, feel as tho working on my self development so deeply is because I'm setting and aligning myself for an exceptional opportunity ahead. 01.05.16 Had a some what productive morning today so I'm happy about that executed what I needed to do (carpet) had fun getting Simran ready as always. Simran accidentally smashed a bowl today at breakfast she started crying even no one shouted at her or told her off we told her don't worry it was an accident, mum and dad (and I fink I did) started clapping and chanting... Well done well done, very good very good, as tho it was sarcasm in some way or form. Anyway later on that afternoon I asked Simran why did you cry she replied, b'cos Nana and Nani was clapping and saying well done as tho it was done by purpose and they do that a lot, basically she read the sarcasm and didn't like it, very interesting awareness to find out her thought process on it. I felt it was a very nice thought and effort for those who organized Gita & Shivarni b'day surprise. I felt I was keeping a conscious effort today to keep awareness throughout the party, I'm also noticing how the more I'm working on my self development I see in others the things I'm trying to change and self Actualize on, but I must be careful not to judge it nor look at myself as being above anyone else. A positive habit I'm trying do everyday is at the end of my day I rewind the days events as accurate as I can and just be mindful of what happened and with who and how my interaction went. This is a very helpful exercise. I think I'm becoming more of an introvert this is so interesting to me so I'm going to keep an eye on this as it's an area that is new to being me. 02.05.16 Wow today it was evident today that I still have a nasty seance of rage in me my inner chimp went wild, even tho I'm working on self development, and I've practiced and read the chimp paradox, resh drove out of harrow shopping center carpark and didn't notice a car approaching and pulled out nearly causing a accident, it was resh's fault for not paying attention. Anyway I was in the back with shiv and mum Simran was in the front, I let my window down and signed to the other driver calm down as he was understandably irate, he replied by saying.... I don't think you need to tell me to calm down you need to tell me "sorry" so I got irate and was pritty angry, anyway resh said sorry to him but I signaled him the middle finger and he done the same back then he replied is that all your goin to do? I nodded yes, he got even more pissed and called me a pussy this really started a rage kicking into me one that I've not had in years, just goes to show me I still have to be mindful a lot. Just a powerful observation I had today. On a more lighter note I'm so happy I have the time right now to invest in my personal development as I'm slowly and clearly realising this is such a power investment for my future. Also just want to close on my highlight of my day going for run this moring in Hyde park central London it was beyond amazing can't wait until the next time. 03.05.16 What day today has been, I've totally been hijacked by my inner chimp, taken my emotions and negative thoughts to another level really feel as though is it all worth it working on my personal development is the most hardest and challenging project I've ever done, just as you think you've made progress and then you get hit with a paradox of old school thought and it knocks you for six so hard to handle. Feels like a drainer. I observed resh doing the kids homework with them and as much as it was a reasonable effort it's far from, in fact, it was a million miles away from attention to detail, she just does not have it in her very unfit, tired, lack of focus, no awareness, now call this a judgement if you may, I'm aware of how negative I'm being and it's unjust of me I know but isn't easy to live with. It's just generally been on shitty day even tho I'm trying to manage the whole mindfulness of it. Life's fucking hard living with others. 05.05.17 Met Dee today enlightened me on why my sister is making up her lost time with kids by buying them materialistic things and more often then not feeding them crap this is due to her guilt this is her way of paying them back from all that's gone on and all that she can't and failed to provide and not provide, she knows deep inside her she has truly failed, this so powerful for me to know as it helps me deal with it. I had a priceless time with the kids today with taking them to swimming. 06.05.16 It's been silent treatment with kids today b'cos of the way they have behaved yesterday, in my mind I speak this... They have no appreciation no discipline and control over stimulation, there mum has no control over these matters. Am I not being open minded enough, am I judging it to much, also the silent treatment is such a danger as it's history repeating it's self from how we've been brought up and how it clearly show lack of communication skills and this history of mind set is dangerous for the kids to replicate. Also was full of anxiety today really hated it. Went out for Kush b'day even tho I have no money but my good friend Jose covered me and was really nice to buy my drinks I didn't want to go b'cos of my financial situation however I'm glad I did b'cos you know what making an appearance for Kush meant a lot and she was so pleased and she really appreciated it, just goes to show it's not all about money weather you have it or not, there are beautiful people in your circle to look after you and I'm very greatful for that. 07.05.16 A day of anxiety and confusion really felt lost and my emotions running wild, I felt as though I have no direction in my life then I'm asking myself am I looking and thinking into it all to much, am I reaching for the impossible, am I imposing my new beliefs onto others to much, I mean I haven't even got it down to a T myself and it's all still so new and difficult for me. I just keep on repeating to myself I don't want a average life, even though I've been living one since I was born, is it to late for me and do I just go with hope, in all honesty I think I am just going with hope and hoping it all works out, am I over thinking it all then on the other hand surely if it's hard and all the hard emotions and all the mental mindset change is going to be hard that's what should pay off to have what I want which is a fulfilled and purposeful life, I'm concerned that I will turn a bit bitter and disconnect from my friends and family with regards to having nothing in common is that what this does is it, is it? Went out for dinner this eve all six of us for dads b'day to pizza express which was delightful we also went for a drive into and around London b'cos mum wanted to that was nice, also made amends with laoo-bhai although that could take a turn at any point. Really felt my meditation today had a deeper level of experience. I said to myself today that looking after/playing the role I do which the kids is not for me I don't want it, am I saying this b'cos I want to give up on doing the extreamely hard role and draining emotions that comes in doing it, I also thought that looking back at my track record what with my career that I give up with everything that happens to me in my life I get excited in the beginning and I'm super committed focused, but then after a few months I loose all that I feel as tho "what am I getting out of it?'" Do I just not see that this is life, life is a battle am I derlooded in thinking life is effortless and smooth I reckon I am. I'm always giving up when the going gets tuff, how can I ever see progress with this mentality. 08.05.16 Absolutely amazing start to the day today went for a jog in central London which was so beautiful such gorgeous views and sites, a added bonus and full fillment was when I randomly high five a passing fellow jogger. Also today attended prayers in honer to those who passed away in the past year it was very humble and the singers were really good. I even served drinks in the food court which I haven't done in years. 09.05.16 Anxiety kicking in today infact I'm noticing it happening to me a lot recently, I have huge concern about my financial predicament. It sometimes really scares more times than others or is it the fact that im working a lot on my personal development and that I'm learning so much about myself through my own psychology that infact it's that what is freaking me out. I was thinking today I need to push myself more in this area but at the same time I don't want it to exhusitng and draining I get that it's going to be hard however I want it to be smooth hard kinda difficult to explain this emotion. Went for my walk today which is always so beautiful and today it was raining earlier so I really really loved the smell of the left rain just something satisfying about it here on London that you just get anywhere else or not that I've experienced not like London. Towards the end of today pritty much on and after my walk I feel a sence of relaxation a sence of inner peace a sence of where I am right now in my life and a visualization into my future life. 10.05.16 Got up this morning laoo-bhai running his tantrum not waking up, my emotions and thoughts are saying if he doesn't wake up on time before I do the school run then I'm going to leave him. Is there an actual problem that he needs guidenss in and am i missing something that I need to understand? Do I need to look into it more from a mindful perspective and not be judgemental I think do so to counter act this I suggested to Resh that we meet up this week set time aside to workout a action plan to resolve this ongoing unwanted situation. Went shopping with mother today we talked about how as family we realistically only 10/15 years together that was a very deep realisation to say the least kind of puts priorities more into perspective. I also need to think more in the way intelligence thinking for myself and not just take everything everyone else has told me basically question everything this will create more success for myself for the right reasons in what I want for my life. Had amazing fun with the kids today that's always priceless. Really do love my family. 12.05.16 Today on my walk I'm really deeply trying to workout how I can be different to be successful and not follow the herd I know that's what the majority of the population want however not everyone has whatever it takes to reach those heights. I know I don't have a strong academic history and that is a result of not paying any attention to studying back in school. But surly that isn't all means to success. I want to or at least know how to find my success. On my walk today I stopped off in the church on harrow on the hill I sometimes offten go there, infact I'm in the church right now whilest writing this. It's so peaceful in here. Back to the latter, I really really want to self-actualize I don't want an ordinary life a mandaine life a common follow the herd life, I'm not saying or feeling this because I want to feel superior or above anyone else. I truly and honestly want this for my life I want the financial status I want the fulfilling career, I deserve it and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to gain it all however for the right reasons I just need to how to get in touch and harmonizse with whatever it is that's waiting for me I just need to know how to connect with it. I mean seriously it's been five months now since I've been working on self Actualize I have a life long way to go but this is my best shot I believe that. 13.05.16 it was all go go go today preparations for mine and Virals center parcs holiday. Felt the pressure quite a bit made me realise the other side of the fence as I haven't felt this in a while. It's all good tho just made me mindful for the fact that with all the time I have being out of the rat race how much actual preasure I'm not under compared to the herd. I noticed I smoked more today. It's amazing being with Viral I haven't had this quality time with him in years so I'm forever grateful thank you. I noticed how the center parcs staff are so delightful that's very rare in today's corporate businesses. Viral and I are just going to be having a blast. 15.05.16 Super start to the day been away with Viral in centerparcs the past few days. Nice to be away. Just within my own awareness I have to say every time I think of my job and financial situ I feel anxiety that being said every time it happens it feels less and less of the actchual time the anxiety lasts this is due to accepting it and understanding why and reasons behind it. Spending at centerparcs with the outstanding service and quality time spent with Viral just goes to show me what makes me happy yes money does matter to me only because it can provide me with more meaningful and purposeful life experiences. I said to myself early today... Amazing things are going to happen to me in my life and you know what they are. All this time and effort I'm putting into my personal development is amazing because it's all putting me in meaningful place in my life long may it continue I'm forever greatful. 16.05.16 feeling very accomplished with my role in taking Viral (my friend) to centerpacs and also doing a good deed for yesssssssssss T (my friend) today helping her move her belongings to her new place. Was surprised that ted Baker didn't have any openings for me really don't know what to make of it, part of me feels to just let my career fall into place and another part of me feels really lost in what to do with my career, that brings the question am I doing enough of what needs to be done to really make it happen. THE BIGGEST THING IM STARTING TO BE AFRAID OF IS NOT HAVING MY LIFE FULLFILLED WITH A PURPOSE. 17.05.16 Today has been a bit of FML day feel like I couldn't really give a shit, said out loud no job, no money, not direction, feel frustrated, it all got a bit to much for me today even told mum I need to step back from my duties with the kids. Today I just feel as though I'm goin nowhere in my life, emotions are running wild, mindfulness just lost its way today. I even rattled at mum which now I realise was uncalled for I just got caught up and tence with all my thoughts and made a horrible and depressing story from them by place negative images just all took its toll however I'm going to try and recap and make a sence of it all so that I can have more control and understanding. Towards the end of my day I felt better or else I think I feel better. 18.05.16 Today I said to myself I'm not going to let y'day emotions thoughts hijack me like they did, I don't want it and I refuse to let it control me, no no no! Had some spontainious thoughts today pritty good to what they led to, swimming with kids we had abundance of fun and once again priceless quality time together. 19.05.16 Today I was in rat-race mode with regards to getting the kids chores done after school felt really pressured and was being very direct and non negotiable. Simran really go thd brunt of it so much so she said to me, mamu you never let us doing anything your always doing it your way, she obviously felt pressured and felt as tho all I do is dictate. And so we got into a bit of a heated discussion. I said to her ok well if you feel as though all I do is dictate and boss why don't you do your own thing from now on like get your own self to school, bath and get ready on your own, prepare and have your dinner by yourself. I also said Simran you know mon-thurs is a calculated and structured routine fri-sun are the days you can be free I said everything I do is out of love and care and I don't need you to tell me what your saying that's not fair on me I work so hard for you kids all for the right reasons (well that's what I think I may well be wrong) I didn't say that to her tho. Anyway as I explained and it was rather tence she understood. And the rest of the eve went amazingly well. Is it true that sometimes you've just got to give it people bish bash bosh no negotiation manor? Really want to practice on mindfulness a lot need to master it. 21.05.16 An amazing start to the day kicked off with a one and half hour yoga session. It was very challenging to say the least but loved it. Another successful and joyful time with Simran and getting her ready. I was really thinking hard today about Shiv's love for football or is it just the idea of falling in love and following the herd, I tested it by asking Shiv name me all the players in barcalona who he seems to be loving and praising. He didn't know, fa cup final today manu V palace Shiv didn't really seem interested ones got to question this surely. I'll be deffinatly keeping an eye and being mindful on this. 22.05.16 Come on life show me push me, I don't want to die having lived a normal 9-5 life I want my life to reach limits of behond fulfillment I will not settle for ordinary yes a lot has happened amazing things life changing positive experiences and I'm forever grateful. I know I'm going through a shift in paragdim I know I am it's so hard tho good because it should be and I need this right now to make a self Actualized life full of purpose and meaning. Fuck going through the rest of my life what's left of it unconscious, no way. Am I doing enough though? That is the question, there most certainly has been a difference since I started in January 2016, I got to keep going as I believe working on myself will place me were I want to be. 23.05.16 Had a fantastic journey today and the past couple of days with my meditation have now accomplished two 40/45min sessions since I started back in I think it was march/april. Done something that I haven't done in years today which is started to paint our garden fence felt like a karati kid for a moment all good tho. Spoke to laloobhai this morning about what vision he has to become at professional footballer that was pritty intense to say the least also had a meeting with resh with regards to how progress is going with the kids and her. I was very much to the point direct and honest so lets see how it goes advised a few changes and for her to be more mindful, you know whilest doing it I felt a sence of purpose and fullfillent and while writing this a sence of calmness. I'm starting to really feel a shift in my existence it's what I wanted in reality it's hard work but I'm guessing the type of hard work it is it's having a purpose it has a meaning it has concious awareness I so much want my life to move in the direct of this. Make the necessary changes and most certainly make the difference. 24.05.16 Today felt more tired than normal for some reason. Be patient I said to myself today. I visulised myself as someone whom others come to for advise and answers I also visulised being a millionaire and so many family members asking me how I made it and asking me what's my secret and I would reply with "work on your self development" I went a bit all out Simran this morning with regards to her general basic what she should know e.g what day of the week is it? When is the next school term holiday? How long is it for? I showed her from the school holiday chart how it works and she didn't seem to get it, so I pressed on at her saying this is basic info she should know. She felt under preasure is it right that I sometimes I put her under preasure I feel I do as this will push her. 25.5.16 wow what a day of procrastination and turbulence emotions going wild, just can't seem to get it right is this a off day or a reality of im not and far from were I thought to be. I believe I'm a million miles away. Am I off track the way I shouted at shiv today was out of order and I owe him an apology. My thoughts are telling me to move out and that all this minding the kids and my involvement is way to excessive feel as though to take a step back. What about my life is this holding me back? If I'm not aware and mindful enough then my life will just pass me by resh will make minor adjustments she will never change deeper within and I'm not going to charge that I can't and to be honest I don't want to as it's not my responsibility. My inner chimp ran wild and out of control. It's pritty crazy because part of me is saying good this happened becasue this is by no means an easy ride and that trying to achieve something great is going to have these hurdles and it's my job no one else's to over come them. I think one needs to understand and be open-minded with the reality. Weather that is possible is to be questioned. 26.05.16 so this morning I apologized to shiv and explained the way I reacted was unacceptable my awareness was not there. He told he was frighted when asked him was he scared. I really need to beware that he is still a child and for this reason he doesn't know as of yet fully right from wrong or even understand things. I also apologised to Resh having made the both apologies I felt I managed my ego and that felt more good than the apologies in all honesty. Put some real quality time in today with regards to job hunting found it to be productive. In my hearts of heart I really want to live a fulfilled life. 27.05.16 Today was a fab start to the day, also had some amazing quality time with kids me and Simran had loads of laughter and me and shiv went bike riding and played football. Just priceless times. Spent some time on my personal development. Went for my daily walk in the eve and it all went FML from there just don't seem to get it. All this trying to better myself work on myself fullfil myself make my life to a purpose what the fuck. Am just dreaming wishful thinking, wake up baza. Got hijacked and can't seem to find way to manage it. Think I've got it all worked out yeah yeah what ever baza. Just feel like I'm getting mind fuck and mind mastabated. I'm really what was am I thinking. Fuck it! 28.05.16 Today went out for my daily walk but this time spent some real quality time sitting in the fields reading loads and just spending time on my own. I really love my own time now. Today I thought about how detached I've become from friends and family more so with friends and all this personal development I've been working on. I was asking myself what if all this really talks it's toll and I as a result I loose my network or forget how to be a part of because I see things totally different from everyone and soon could result in having nothing in common. I also zoned in a lot on trying to understand resh and still everyday think about how much better off I'd be moving out. It's so scary to think my life could be wasted in being just an extra body whom the family relay upon. Don't get my wrong it's not that I don't want to help because I do ì just don't want my life to go by in this situation because that's very easily done if I'm not concious and aware of it. 29.05.16 so today I reached another successful 40mins meditation session I'm very pleased as is clearly showing me progress. Also today while I was sitting in the park as I often do these just to read and reflect on my life and manly figure out what my inner self desires. Anyway I had a really deep inner revolution which was that I never really as of yet followed the career path ln industry I've worked in and boy have I worked in a few I've just fallen into it and it never was what I really wanted to do there hasn't really been any planning towards it yes I've worked hard and had amazing experiences but they haven't been fulfilling or even more importantly had a PURPOSE

30.07.16 So I took a comitment that in the month of July which is now well not for long as July is practicality over, that I will spend five minutes everyday on saying affamations myself. If you haven't already I strongly recommend you try affamations they work wonders. I'm also very slowly realizing the positive results of working on self actualization it's been about seven months now since working on Leo's material. And I've adopted some positive habits daily and also work dam hard on changing my paragdim, it's all still work in progress although I've made positive productive changes so I'm very happy about that.

10.07.16 Today I used a strategy of interdependence and will see how the results prove in the next few weeks. I need to practice more open mindingness and also understand before being understood. I'm questioning if everything is within our control I'm certain not everything is, although need to get clarity on this matter.

07.07.16 What am aiming for? What is a self Actualized life? Is there really such a thing? Shall I move towards god more and leave it all in his or her hands? Seriously sometimes no actually a lot of the times everyday in fact I feel I'm getting somewhere then the next I feel the opposite I'm getting no where. Am I taking enough action? All these questions rat racing through my mind, six months of self development work implementing and actually changing towards positive habits and carrying them out. Well guess what.... my reality is I have no money, don't have a regular job, my family situation is totally fucked up and distorted, can't find my passion, watched Leo's latest video today on starting your own business scared the shit out of me, where is my life fucking going? I'm 43 years old and in this position and I tell myself all the time I just want to better myself and grow and develop, and here I am with all the above mentioned really does make me think is it all worth it? They say it could be worse and think positive it can only get better well right now I find that hard to digest. Oh and I don't have a girlfriend nor am I father aint had a girlfriend in over a decade, don't even have my own place to live, every time I want my own privacy I go out for walks or a run, have completely distanced myself from all my friends and family feel like a loner.

06.07.16 felt really suffocated today, feel as though I'm like a mouse stuck in a maze and trying to find freedom but just keep on banging into dead ends. I know it all how I filter my thoughts and emotions and actions but all that is easier said than done until you know how to apply that process. You see the thing is I still live at home and my family don't get on when living with each other we only get on when we live apart. It isn't easy to just move out due to financial reason's but I'm working on that. It's sad to feel that I'm unhappy in my family home surely that's one place that should have peace and love. "Clearly not" what's even more sad is that we aren't even going to be together as a unit for much longer what with age. My house is a very unhealthy environment to live in we have no bond and absolutely not synergy what so ever.

05.07.16 What a day of anxiety, worry, feeling low, fed up, and so on and so forth. I haven't felt all of these in one go in a while. This self development work and working with Leo on l Actualized is sure one hell of a rollercoaster ride. One day is yes I can do this just got to keep going, and the other day is fuck this self development self actualization journey it's way to difficult and I'm just living in wishful thinking land. In all honesty all these emotions, feelings, thoughts, and trying to work on myself is my fucking head in. I don't even recognize parts of myself and I've only been doing it for six months What the hell is going on. Please somebody who ever is reading this give me your perspective I would really appreciate it. I'm really finding working on myself so hard. ??

04.07.16 This month I've committed myself to start doing five minutes of daily affirmations so let's see how I get on and the idea is to keep it going for months to come and see if I can keep doing it perminantly. Yesterday really proved that I'm a million miles away from self control even though I've been following Leo in his self Actualized work for the past six months. I went to a friend's birthday party and took a substance. Sometimes I feel as though I've got my life under control and I've worked out how my brain works but reality is in fact I haven't and I'm a million miles away. All I want in my life is to find my passion and to make a difference in the world with it, but I can't seem to get there. I haven't spoke to my father for weeks it's just a empty hollow relationship sad I know but it's the truth. I'm going to keep working as hard as I can to find my life purpose and fulfill with meaning and truth. Who's knows I maybe just chasing something that doesn't even exisit and I'm just in dream land finding myself disconnecting from everyone especially those whom have been in my life from day dot.

30.06.16 Just have to accept even more and that now accept it that it's my reality that I don't nor did I ever have a father figure nor do I have a relationship with my dad. Its has been a dead relationship from day dot. And to think we ever had a father and son relationship would be a lie. It isn't at all easy to say/write this although it is what it is and I refuse to let my life go down hill because of it I'm going to use this as an advantage and learn from it everyday to make sure I never ever replicate it if and when I have children at the same time be so aware and mindful that Iz don't become a reflection of my father. I can go on and on until the cows come home with all my father's faults but it's not worth it that being said he does have some amazing qualities sad thing is they are directed to people outside his own family. I find it so sad to say this but I'm going to because it's the truth, my father just drags me down and for me he's just not healthy to be around.

28.06.16 Today monkey mind took over for a while I'm feeling stressed with home situation and what with the amount of work I put into my niece and nephew. I can't stress enough how vitally important it is for me to be aware and mindful that I make sure I don't get fully caught up in looking after them so much so that I forget my own life to live because trust me it can so easily be done. And then as a result of it one gets resentment I don't want to be in that situation. Need to make sure I continue to move forward with the attitude of (start with the end goal in mind) which is be financially independent so I'm in a position to move out, my dream would be to settle abroad although before that need to get established in my career. Also was thinking today that I need to keep my life fulfilled and meaningful. Really tired now can't write anymore my eyes are closing.