Hi all.
I've been lurking on this forum for a bit and I believe this is the right place for this question.
During my childhood I was bursting with enthusiasm and confidence. Fear was a foreign concept to me as I constantly pushed boundaries, I didn't give much of a fuck about what others thought of me. I remember vividly giving speeches to the whole school without a hint of nervousness; it just all felt natural. I had plenty of friends, and a lot of girls had crushes on me. Athletic endeavors came easily to me and I was considered highly intelligent by most of my teachers, I always wanted to become a doctor. It seemed all perfect.
But things took a turn when our household fell into financial troubles due to government malpractice. It led to some traumatic experiences that gradually transformed me from a confident and ambitious young boy into a social recluse. Consequently I was spending most of my days in a dark room lost in gaming, or desperately searching for ways to support our large family. Transitioning to high school only deepened this isolation. I started losing my confidence and being unable to stand up for myself as I once did. I also believe that being raised by a single overbearing mother without any male role models further solidified these feelings of assertiveness and fear within me.
Fast forward to now. I'm 24. Since COVID I've had a bit of a redpill/blackpill phase delving into my identity and learning more about the world. It started with watching content from dudes like Elliot Hulse and Kevin Samuels and it snowballed from there. I've been actively working on myself stepping out of my comfort zone, taking better care of my appearance, making friends at the gym, exploring nightlife, sleeping with a lot of women through dating apps. I've also been fortunate enough to see a bit of the world, and overall, I'd say I'm in a decent spot.
But despite all this progress, I can't shake the feeling that I'm barely scratching the surface of my potential. The sense of living beneath my capabilities has lingered since I realized what I missed out on during high school. Unlike my fearless childhood self I still find myself inhibited by fear. I feel like it's holding me back from forming genuine connections or creating fun experiences. I feel like I have some deep healing to do. I suspect that one of those traumatic experiences may have influenced my fight-or-flight response, but it doesn't quite explain why I care so much about how others perceive me (maybe it's just part of growing older?). For instance, when I have to give a presentation now, I'm consumed with the fear of appearing weak and insecure. It starts days beforehand, and during the presentation, if I notice my voice trembling, I mentally torture myself.
Has anyone else experienced something similar or wrestled with similar feelings? While I've never experimented with drugs beyond an occasional drink when socializing, I've been contemplating the idea of exploring (microdosing) psychedelics as a means to delve deeper into my psyche and uncover what's holding me back. I also wonder if it could potentially offer inner healing for my mother who has been deeply affected throughout the ordeal. But Im also quite intimidated by the idea of distorting reality. I'm genuinely open to any insights or advice.
