Infinite Tsukuyomi

I have completed books 1-4 of Neale Donald Walsch's Conversation with God as well as a separate entry called Home with God: In a life that never ends. For some background on me, I have been following actualized.org teachings for about a year and a half but I only joined the forum in the past few months. I have had four distinct awakenings, three of which I experienced what we call "death". In Home with God, God described three stages of death and to avoid spoiling the actual material, I will say that the stages 1 and 2 line up precisely with my direct experiences of death. The entirety of the five books I've finished so far have all surprised me as I was able to verify and confirm. These have my thumbs up if you want a written/verbal attempt at a description of the moment of death. It is not a replacement for having an awakening (in which you die) for yourself. The book is guided by 18 remembrances or facets about life and death told to Neale by God. What I like about Neale is that he isn't afraid to call out God (he does often struggle to understand that he himself is God though.) Going through the dialogues in any of these books are really helpful for getting a look at how little debates and language do at getting to what's True. Leo and other teachers/messengers have mentioned these over the years. So the material is never really new, but through repetition the teachings slowly start to form new mental pathways. God covers suicide, child death and near death experiences. Methods of having your own experience of it through meditation and other techniques you've heard of from various teachers God also mentions. Other than the identical experiences of the first two stages of death mentioned, is the mention of dance as one of the techniques. This is was interesting and a pleasant surprise to me, as I had two of my awakenings through dance. The first was after the effects of magic mushrooms had worn off and I began to dance. The second was after a 7 day modified meditation retreat I did, the night of the 7th day. The retreat itself ended around 4 or 5pm that day, and I went home frustrated, irritated after having tortured myself with boredom (do nothing work), concentration, self-inquiry, meditation and mindfulness. I used a very small amount of thc to calm myself down and then completely gave up trying to even have another awakening and started to dance. I allowed myself to be completely consumed the music until I suddenly noticed I was no longer controlling my movements. In a moment, I went "oh fuck" and then I slipped into the primordial chaos of Infinity/Insanity. It still shocks me how completely terrifying and amazing the experience is simultaneously. Dance may be a missing ingredient to your consciousness work if you already meditate, inquire etc. The trick/hack is to give up and surrender. Become a puppet to the formless God that you haven't realized yet. Home with God has a 5 out of 5 from me, I actually picked it up from the local library after having purchased the other titles. If you haven't begun the series I do recommend starting from book one of Conversations with God. Believe or not, I was listening to this from Youtube in the background while dancing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RG2IK8oRZNA&t=13995s&ab_channel=GreenredProductions-RelaxingMusic Enjoy

@cjoseph90 You'll love this book then I returned it in six days, reading a few chapters per day. It is 300-315 pages or so. It can definitely be read in just 2 or 3 days.

Best to have a few tools in your arsenal for sure.

@AJBrew Lots of time, I don't get a breakthrough in any work including meditation unless I give away what it is that I want. During your meditation try surrendering any images and sensations of love and compassion that come up. Notice them, let them have some space in your mind and body and before the thoughts go away, visualize yourself handing it over. I find that in the coming days, I am more authentic in daily life. The more authentic I am, the more I can try to embody Truth and this leads me to accept life the way it is more. That's what I see as Love manifest. You could give this a try and see if it works for you

Yes I have had a couple profound breakthroughs in my baseline consciousness during all my work. The first, allowed me to keep an almost constant state of how you feel on low doses of mushrooms. In this way, I recognize (even now) that even my own hands as I see them are appear within consciousness. I see how each movement (such as cars driving and making turns, people walking, tripping on a rock, sneezing, water gently swirling inside of a plastic bottle) as absolutely perfect and True. After a 7 day meditation retreat, I am constantly aware of the orchestration of life's play, the cosmic joke. When standing in the kitchen with friends and family, I can appreciate that they are held within consciousness, and engage in the game with them. Play and joke around, all while understanding the truth that is right in front of 'us'. I totally agree with you that accessing new states, especially when they become apart of your baseline and not just temporary are exhilarating. One of the benefits of this work considering all the suffering, boredom and confusion that can come with it, when you go at it hard.

I promised in my 5-MeO post that I would eventually talk about my trips that happened before that. This is the report of my first breakthrough ever which was on 6g of magic mushrooms. I did this trip in the forest on a rainy day (I figured that not many people would come out there in the weather and I was right). This was 7 months prior to 5-MeO. To get a feel of what dosage would be good, I had done 2g trip indoors a couple weeks prior but didn't experience anything significant enough to mention. I also meditated inside my car for 1 hour before consuming the shrooms. A humming bird kept pecking at my window while trying to do so. In this report, I will talk about the themes and insights. I was on an empty stomach, and about 10-12 hours fasted but brought food with me in a cooler to have afterwards. Skip to 1st Awakening section if you want to get to the main course here. Body Awareness It took about an hour before I started to notice a body load come on. I remember just walking about enjoying nature in the woods. Then I started to walk towards a nearby road. Just as I exited the trees, I had an rapid re-contexualization, here I noticed that I was like a spirit that had a body. In this state, I had perfect posture, perfect stride and what felt like true confidence, true authenticity. It sort of felt like I was in a video game playing myself. I enjoyed the fuck out of just walking, so I walked up the road for awhile. I came across a bridge and got the urge to run, being in my body felt amazing, so I ran. It felt like I could run forever, while running a wisdom came over me, that said not to stress the body too much, so I lowered my pace and eventually returned to walking. Emotions I had some direct exposure to the nature of some emotions. Eventually a guy did show up on the road, younger than me and walking his dog. I debated whether to say anything due to my pupils beings enlarged. I was noticing, the pull of sexual attraction. I also noticed my making decisions in real time, it went through logic (having a conversation while tripping), emotions (will I regret not talking to him?), reasoning (between logic and emotion). I compromised and decided to talk briefly and continue walking, conversation went great and the dog was very friendly and felt nice to pet. I had dark sunglasses/shades to hide my enlarged pupils. Even though I decided not to ask him out it did give me chance to experience regret as he continued on. It was then I noticed, how there are so many choices at any given moment. Toward the end of the trip, I came across a lake and came up to the edge of the water (shallow water). Across the water was another bank, and just below it I could see the splashing of large fish. As a fisherman myself, I starting connecting dots rapidly about what was going on. I knew the carved out holes under the bank were likely home to large catfish and that carp were probably trying to get in to eat catfish eggs and were being driven out by the catfish themselves. Then, it occurs to me that the bank is the same on the side of the lake that I'm standing on. Sure enough I look down and see just massive fins sticking out the water, which startled me and I took a few steps back. Large carp were right beneath me the entire time. This gave me a close up internal look at my own fear. I stayed there for awhile and contemplated reaching in. Here I realized that approaching and handling fears has to be handled case by case, sometimes jumping right in and other times slowly moving toward them. The unknown as a fear itself became evident, I've caught probably a thousand fish and some larger than the ones I saw. The element of surprise, the unknown was more evident to me. (I'll post a picture of me with a large catfish I caught in the past.) Contemplation After finishing up my analysis of my own sense of fear and fear itself, I sat down and started to think about a job I was starting in two weeks. I would be in a leadership role again. So I began to contemplate how I wanted to lead this time as opposed to in the past. I was extremely successful in my previous role but wanted to be more holistic. I wanted to see how much Love and creativity I could bring into my work. Here I realized how much I enjoyed being a leader and I also realized that leadership was my zone of excellence but perhaps not my zone of genius. (I had read The Big Leap the previous month). I may write about how things actually went in another post. 1st Awakening During the peak, I had made it near where my car was parked, and decided to walk past it to go in the opposite direction. As I got closer, I couldn't believe me eyes, for the first time I saw my car as simply an appearance, a prop. Then I got closer, and a thought floated through my awareness "what exactly is awakeni. . ." Then in an instant I was swept over by a profound state of awareness, where I recognized that I was on stage. It didn't know whether to laugh to cry. It felt like I had just woken up from sleep. I saw a sign post near my car, and this is where I noticed that life is a play. I laughed and laughed and even started clapping, as I acknowledged that I had been fooled. I turned around, then I had a direct experience of what I called at the time Glory. I could not see glory, but I knew what it was. "This is what glory is", I said out loud. I entered the forest again, now on the other side of where my car was. Still at the peak, I stopped and enjoyed each tree. I saw a bench and headed towards it to sit down, as I was overwhelmed with what I was experiencing (in a good way). Just before I arrived at the bench, I looked to the left and about lost my shit completely. What I was seeing was trees behind a different bench, and the lake behind the trees. But what I recognized was a moment in time, a moment that I had personally created, and I remembered without a shadow of a doubt having done so. My mouth was wide open, "I don't believe it", yet it was absolutely True. I quickly got to the bench and proceeded to laugh and simply be for about 10-15 minutes. Post Trip I stayed in the forest all day until all effects wore off. I did have a significant headache for a couple hours after as well. I felt the ego start to reform but not completely back to it's old self. I had tapped into gold on this day. I was also very excited to continue my own consciousness work and doubled down in the months to come meditating and so forth.

Both of those of are lower case l/love and lower case t/truth. Songs about l/love are normally about human romantic love. L/Love, God's Love is horrifying and amazing and would easily be dismissed as not Love by almost everyone if people sang about it. People sing about the things that are also included in L/Love such as pain, suffering and confusion but they are not recognizing that as love but as something less than that. Choirs and gospels think they are singing about T/Truth but are actually singing about t/truth. They are singing to a 'separate' God.

Exactly, sanity is taken for granted because no one has insanity to contrast it with. The saving move is the realization that the illusion of free will and everything else that you deconstructed works fine even as an illusion. Your mind will re-stabilize in the coming days and weeks most likely. Continuing to get on here and chat with everyone will help as well.

A few months ago it actually occurred to me that there was not much music about Truth. I only realized because I had the contrast of having come from a Christian background and remembering all the songs about Yahweh and Jesus growing up. Since I'm not a singer I didn't pursue doing so myself, but such music could be an intro to Truth and get people to have some insights. I dread the "what kind of music do you like?" question in meeting new people because it's mostly instrumental. Of course, one would have to care about Truth to begin with to sing about it.

Beautiful MotherEve. This is a monumental breakthrough that will lead you to who you really are. The sudden immense vulnerability that is the fear of death is frightening yet awe inspiring. Don't worry too much about whether your descriptions make sense, others that have had these experiences will be able to tell.

Now with mindfulness, inquiry and psychedelics (including 5-MeO) my consciousness is radically different than when I was atheist. My atheistic stage of understanding just threw the baby out with the bath water. Religion crazy = God doesn't exist, a strange conclusion The depth to which I was unconscious of God/Absolute Truth was abysmal. My desire for Truth pushed me through Christianity, atheism, then materialism, then ontological mathematics and finally my 'self'. Looking back, I realize how religion was just the first clue. It's very easy to get stuck at this stage since questioning God is out of the question in Christianity. The step that atheist don't take, that I eventually did, was consider that there could be a God but that religion is simply wrong about God is. This allowed me to make the leap from materialism finally to the adjacent higher perspective. The saving move for me was to aim for Truth (since the word 'God' is corrupted by religion) A story/symbol about Truth (religion) >>> abject unconscious denial of truth (atheism) >>> pseudo-truth (materialism) >>> conceptual truth (ontology, theory, embrace of paradox, ideas, fantasies) >>> Truth

Where a wristband if you don't already. If you want more consciousness around your attention seeking, it can help remind you throughout the day to look for where you are doing it.

As a gay man, I have told my straight male friends to show more dick print on there. Looks like someone does, and it works well. It simultaneously has a rebellious air to it, which I think works well.

@Elton My advice as someone who has been having a wild ego backlash, and dealing with #2, #3, #5 somewhat, #10 and #11 is to do completely random things each day for a couple hours. They can be stuff you always wanted to do, or just whatever. The work is just acknowledging how you want it go, then deciding ahead of time to accept however it ends up going. Here’s how that looked for me this morning: I promised myself I would wake up and film myself doing whatever at a lake about 30 minutes from where I am. I was planning to voice over the clips at a later time for youtube. Anyway, I didn’t want to when I got up, I was no longer motivated by the idea I didn’t think it would turn out good, it would be cold outside (25 degrees), it’s a waste of gas and so on. So I decided that it didn’t matter if it turned out good, or if I enjoyed it. I just needed to follow through with what I said, so self trust. I ended up finding a heavy log from a tree in the woods, and just did a few sets of military press and curls with it on camera. The rest of the time I just got footage of nature and of myself, sitting, thinking, walking etc. Try something like this, plan something today and expect to not want to follow through tomorrow. The idea is that you can build momentum arbitrarily and bypass your subconscious. The less the activity means, or the less you care about it the better. When you’re down the subconscious mind wants meaning but isn’t finding it, switching to a meaningless momentum mindset can do wonders. Repeat daily, perhaps even 21 days of this.

Well, since contemplation is something we picked out of reality as something that exists, it too must collapse at the end. My answer to your question is <%100. Contemplation can help you realize an unknown percentage of reality, but what is known is that it too will collapse when you completely realize.

Everyone is suggesting that you are creating your own emotional interpretation of your awakening. You just aren't aware of how you're doing it, that's what really makes it frustrating, let me explain. The ego operates almost entirely unconsciously. *The feelings of not being able to enjoy human life is coming from the subconscious/unconscious mind as an ego in the dualistic hallucination. The ego is good at taking Truth and attempting at interpretations of it. I realized a few days ago, that I also have been having a hell of an ego backlash (5 MEO 30 days ago). I had many moments of "what's the point". A few more days of enduring my own suffering made me realize that these feelings are a result of the ego's sense-making and meaning-making, taking place in the background (subconscious) of my mind. You and I have an attachment to meaning. I've been using an idea from Gay Hendricks called a body map, it may not be his original idea though. Anyway, I can locate where meaning exists in the body, for me its right in the middle of my body just under the rib cage on my torso. Energy arises in this area at the same time as loneliness/solipsism etc. Our work is to dissolve it (or live with it). Of course letting it go is that last thing we want Interestingly, what is this post? Just more meaning making! *My answer to your question is that the loneliness is ego.

I had my first 5-Meo-DMT trip three days ago and just got back to my computer. I made a 60 hour round trip in order to do so. I could have flew by plane, but wanted to have the contemplation time before and after, and driving helps me do so very well. Pre Trip I fasted for about 30hrs prior to the start of the trip, to avoid vomiting and crapping. I went for a long walk at the beach and a nearby park before heading back home. A bit of Kriya Yoga and meditation a couple hours before the facilitator arrived. The Trip Itself Firstly, I had a facilitator who was accompanied by a musician. The three of us set up a safe space on the floor: a mattress, and pillows surrounding the mattress. We adjusted to a dim lighting in the room and then I got to know them both a bit. They each have done 5-Meo before. I explained my previous substances and trips which were in this order over last year: 2g psilocybin (first time to test), 6g psilocybin (breakthrough)[life is a play], 6g psilocybin [no self], 7.6g psilocybin [mostly me rolling around], 6g psilocybin [nothing for hours, then mild low dose effects], 1.2g psilocybin [interesting message] , NN DMT (a few hits from a pen, I was doing it wrong), NN DMT (5 deep hits from a pen)[unforgettable visuals, landscape altering]. Then we collaborated on dosage, I told her that it takes me medium-high doses to breakthrough from everything I've tried so far. She determined that I would do 60mg. I then requested it be split, so we did 20mg then 40mg. We used Toad 5-Meo. The ceremony took place in this order: A prayer A meditation or contemplation on my death Another prayer A few minutes to evaluate and reaffirm to myself my intentions 20mg hit, where they both laid me back gently to see what would happen. There were no visuals that I could make out, before I closed my eyes. It felt like I was at my own funeral, my body was very relaxed. To me it seemed that my body surrendered and died almost willy-nilly. This did not phase me at all, as "I" was still there aware of it. I remember her calling my name, she asked how I was feeling and I said "Good". She asked if I wanted more and I quickly said yes. I sat up, opened my eyes and began to take the rest of the 5-Meo. At this point, the music was going. They laid me back down, by the time my head hit the pillow, I was blasted clean into infinity. I was undergoing what I'll call a rapid unraveling or infinite self-inquiry. I realize for the first time, what it was that I was actually seeking and asking for in inquiry and meditation. There was no conceivable way I would ever get here with those methods, I thought. In other words, it got really fucking real, really quick. The music is now synched perfectly with my experience, "I'm really going to die". I realized that I had broken my brain, I had broken reality and I was simultaneously horrified yet hungry for a resolution. I reached a point of UTTER INSANITY. At that point, I went back and forth closing and opening my eyes. I looked at the ceiling, then to the left at the musician whose music is the symphony of my annihilation, then to the right at the facilitator who smiled endlessly, then back closed. I felt that I was going away and that I wasn't coming back, the longer I endured, the Truer and Truer it became. "What the hell am I?" "How can it be this big?" "Holy Shit!". I sat up rapidly, and began to rub my face down to my thighs repeatedly. I smiled A LOT and laughed a lot and I completely lost my mind. Then I laid back one final time, endured longer then cracked under the insanity. I said "I think I've had enough". I don't actually remember the facilitator doing anything when I said that, but I know I stopped 'going away' at some point. They offered me rapé, which I declined. She asked if I wanted to discuss anything and I declined that as well, I simply didn't possess the vocabulary to express myself and I felt at the time that I didn't want to 'taint the experience'. I continued to alternate between the body wiping, Wows, laying down and sitting up. They allowed me to be still and silent for awhile. Eventually they began to interact a bit, she gave me some post trip advice such as: integration, journaling, waiting on other psychedelics for 30 days, eating, hydration etc. I felt the my ego start to reform slowly, it was at that time I realized just how persistent it was. I had failed to let the experience consume me completely, as it seemed it would never resolve or rather more truly, I couldn't take more insanity. In the minutes and hours following the trip, I KNEW that I had to do it again, as I felt I didn't go 'all the way' or 'far enough'. These thoughts were a recurring theme, interspersed with awe, wonder, fear etc. As intense as it was, I couldn't abandon God realization until I've fully realized it. That's it for the report. I may remember other details if you ask me specific questions. What's next for me? First of all, 5-Meo DMT is the ultimate tool. It's the no BS method, and there's an instant recognition of this. Now that I've tried it, it has made the manual techniques (meditation, self-inquiry) seem like a joke. Although I also had moments where I felt like they could produce or perhaps NOW they could. If I can get something set up logistically, I would like to use 5-Meo DMT until I can breakthrough. I have reserves of both psilocybin and NN DMT and will follow up with small doses in a month or so. Some takeaways from Martin Ball combined with some takeaways from various Leo teachings I will implement are: Symmetry, surrender (do nothing work), more honestly and authentic self-expression.

Before I discovered actualized.org, spirituality or consciousness work I was always curious about the origin of reality. While talking to my ex-boyfriend one night, he asked me "Why are you so obsessed with God?", I was atheist at the time but I liked to talk about it. I always had a desire for Truth ever since I first asked my mother "why do we die?", "are you going to die?", "am I going to die?". Combine that with a later discovery that I was gay (and grew up with Christianity) and you have a nice Truth seeking starter pack. I can't remember how I answered my ex's question, but I do remember telling him this random insight I had the day prior. Which was this: "You know what, I was thinking yesterday that if you met God . . okay, imagine this, let's say God's real. He walks into this room right now, I bet we would instantly dissolve." I further explained that this being would be so powerful that even it's Love would be too much to handle. I don't recall thinking my way to this idea, it just sort of landed on me. I had a very dualistic idea of God, it hadn't dawned on me at the time that I could be God. The indoctrination and fear of death led to my child like curiosity which eventually led me here in a very non-linear way. And of course while writing this, I think "who are you writing to?" lol. Gay Hendricks in Conscious Living says "Don't settle for easy answers to the mystery" Albert Einstein said "Never lose a holy curiosity"

As long as you keep making more videos, expanding on the stages in future videos etc you should be good. I personally like seeing people's intros, so I would say to make one of those, helps associate your channel with whatever quality you end up putting out.

She only spoke before administration and then good while after I came back down. I thought the prayers were interesting but I went with it. Okay, that's one of his videos I haven't seen yet. I'll check it out. As far a meditation goes, sometimes I think the ego likes a drawn out process.

I've seen so many of Leo's videos and many of them multiple times over to extract more out of them, apply at different times etc. I have not yet watched this one. Next time I'm sitting down to study I'll put this one at the top of the list.

I like how she sees dancing. I saw Leo's original post about it as well. Martin Ball also mentioned in one of his interviews that he prefers dance like no one is watching even over sitting meditation. This is something just as of yesterday, I've decided to incorporate.

Awesome, mine will also be happening for the first time in about a week. I wish us both a profound awakening to our true nature.

True, I've found contemplating death to do the same. While the thoughts that come up about are scary, it does help restore that background mystery to this thing. Amazing.

This is a cool dream, perhaps a dream journal if you don't already keep one. It's fun trying to find meaning in dreams but since they come from unconscious mind, the unconscious mind probably knows its meanings.