Infinite Tsukuyomi

I had my first 5-Meo-DMT trip three days ago and just got back to my computer. I made a 60 hour round trip in order to do so. I could have flew by plane, but wanted to have the contemplation time before and after, and driving helps me do so very well. Pre Trip I fasted for about 30hrs prior to the start of the trip, to avoid vomiting and crapping. I went for a long walk at the beach and a nearby park before heading back home. A bit of Kriya Yoga and meditation a couple hours before the facilitator arrived. The Trip Itself Firstly, I had a facilitator who was accompanied by a musician. The three of us set up a safe space on the floor: a mattress, and pillows surrounding the mattress. We adjusted to a dim lighting in the room and then I got to know them both a bit. They each have done 5-Meo before. I explained my previous substances and trips which were in this order over last year: 2g psilocybin (first time to test), 6g psilocybin (breakthrough)[life is a play], 6g psilocybin [no self], 7.6g psilocybin [mostly me rolling around], 6g psilocybin [nothing for hours, then mild low dose effects], 1.2g psilocybin [interesting message] , NN DMT (a few hits from a pen, I was doing it wrong), NN DMT (5 deep hits from a pen)[unforgettable visuals, landscape altering]. Then we collaborated on dosage, I told her that it takes me medium-high doses to breakthrough from everything I've tried so far. She determined that I would do 60mg. I then requested it be split, so we did 20mg then 40mg. We used Toad 5-Meo. The ceremony took place in this order: A prayer A meditation or contemplation on my death Another prayer A few minutes to evaluate and reaffirm to myself my intentions 20mg hit, where they both laid me back gently to see what would happen. There were no visuals that I could make out, before I closed my eyes. It felt like I was at my own funeral, my body was very relaxed. To me it seemed that my body surrendered and died almost willy-nilly. This did not phase me at all, as "I" was still there aware of it. I remember her calling my name, she asked how I was feeling and I said "Good". She asked if I wanted more and I quickly said yes. I sat up, opened my eyes and began to take the rest of the 5-Meo. At this point, the music was going. They laid me back down, by the time my head hit the pillow, I was blasted clean into infinity. I was undergoing what I'll call a rapid unraveling or infinite self-inquiry. I realize for the first time, what it was that I was actually seeking and asking for in inquiry and meditation. There was no conceivable way I would ever get here with those methods, I thought. In other words, it got really fucking real, really quick. The music is now synched perfectly with my experience, "I'm really going to die". I realized that I had broken my brain, I had broken reality and I was simultaneously horrified yet hungry for a resolution. I reached a point of UTTER INSANITY. At that point, I went back and forth closing and opening my eyes. I looked at the ceiling, then to the left at the musician whose music is the symphony of my annihilation, then to the right at the facilitator who smiled endlessly, then back closed. I felt that I was going away and that I wasn't coming back, the longer I endured, the Truer and Truer it became. "What the hell am I?" "How can it be this big?" "Holy Shit!". I sat up rapidly, and began to rub my face down to my thighs repeatedly. I smiled A LOT and laughed a lot and I completely lost my mind. Then I laid back one final time, endured longer then cracked under the insanity. I said "I think I've had enough". I don't actually remember the facilitator doing anything when I said that, but I know I stopped 'going away' at some point. They offered me rapé, which I declined. She asked if I wanted to discuss anything and I declined that as well, I simply didn't possess the vocabulary to express myself and I felt at the time that I didn't want to 'taint the experience'. I continued to alternate between the body wiping, Wows, laying down and sitting up. They allowed me to be still and silent for awhile. Eventually they began to interact a bit, she gave me some post trip advice such as: integration, journaling, waiting on other psychedelics for 30 days, eating, hydration etc. I felt the my ego start to reform slowly, it was at that time I realized just how persistent it was. I had failed to let the experience consume me completely, as it seemed it would never resolve or rather more truly, I couldn't take more insanity. In the minutes and hours following the trip, I KNEW that I had to do it again, as I felt I didn't go 'all the way' or 'far enough'. These thoughts were a recurring theme, interspersed with awe, wonder, fear etc. As intense as it was, I couldn't abandon God realization until I've fully realized it. That's it for the report. I may remember other details if you ask me specific questions. What's next for me? First of all, 5-Meo DMT is the ultimate tool. It's the no BS method, and there's an instant recognition of this. Now that I've tried it, it has made the manual techniques (meditation, self-inquiry) seem like a joke. Although I also had moments where I felt like they could produce or perhaps NOW they could. If I can get something set up logistically, I would like to use 5-Meo DMT until I can breakthrough. I have reserves of both psilocybin and NN DMT and will follow up with small doses in a month or so. Some takeaways from Martin Ball combined with some takeaways from various Leo teachings I will implement are: Symmetry, surrender (do nothing work), more honestly and authentic self-expression.

Before I discovered actualized.org, spirituality or consciousness work I was always curious about the origin of reality. While talking to my ex-boyfriend one night, he asked me "Why are you so obsessed with God?", I was atheist at the time but I liked to talk about it. I always had a desire for Truth ever since I first asked my mother "why do we die?", "are you going to die?", "am I going to die?". Combine that with a later discovery that I was gay (and grew up with Christianity) and you have a nice Truth seeking starter pack. I can't remember how I answered my ex's question, but I do remember telling him this random insight I had the day prior. Which was this: "You know what, I was thinking yesterday that if you met God . . okay, imagine this, let's say God's real. He walks into this room right now, I bet we would instantly dissolve." I further explained that this being would be so powerful that even it's Love would be too much to handle. I don't recall thinking my way to this idea, it just sort of landed on me. I had a very dualistic idea of God, it hadn't dawned on me at the time that I could be God. The indoctrination and fear of death led to my child like curiosity which eventually led me here in a very non-linear way. And of course while writing this, I think "who are you writing to?" lol. Gay Hendricks in Conscious Living says "Don't settle for easy answers to the mystery" Albert Einstein said "Never lose a holy curiosity"

As long as you keep making more videos, expanding on the stages in future videos etc you should be good. I personally like seeing people's intros, so I would say to make one of those, helps associate your channel with whatever quality you end up putting out.

She only spoke before administration and then good while after I came back down. I thought the prayers were interesting but I went with it. Okay, that's one of his videos I haven't seen yet. I'll check it out. As far a meditation goes, sometimes I think the ego likes a drawn out process.

I've seen so many of Leo's videos and many of them multiple times over to extract more out of them, apply at different times etc. I have not yet watched this one. Next time I'm sitting down to study I'll put this one at the top of the list.

I like how she sees dancing. I saw Leo's original post about it as well. Martin Ball also mentioned in one of his interviews that he prefers dance like no one is watching even over sitting meditation. This is something just as of yesterday, I've decided to incorporate.

Awesome, mine will also be happening for the first time in about a week. I wish us both a profound awakening to our true nature.

True, I've found contemplating death to do the same. While the thoughts that come up about are scary, it does help restore that background mystery to this thing. Amazing.

This is a cool dream, perhaps a dream journal if you don't already keep one. It's fun trying to find meaning in dreams but since they come from unconscious mind, the unconscious mind probably knows its meanings.

So last night, I was headed to a friend's house and stared driving over there. My car's bluetooth picked up my music where it left off which was a binaural beat youtube video that said it was good for ADHD. I was listening to it earlier in the day while doing some other work. Two hours prior I did NN DMT, 3 decent hits from a vape pen thing, the experience lasted 10 minutes or so, as it normally does. Immediately after, I sat upright, cross legged for open eyed meditation. Strong determination style, allowing itches, the pain in my knees from being cross legged etc. During this time, it felt like the right thing to do to treat my thoughts as if they were coming from a little kid, I would give them an inner smile. I meditated for about 1/2 an hour then started getting ready for my drive. Getting ready took me another hour and a half or so. Now back to the drive. At some point during the drive a sudden sense of having lost complete control came up. My car had gone from being driven by me, to me being pulled along by the car!. Each traffic signal, every car, every person on the sidewalks, the moon, the night . . perfect and uncaused and impersonal. The acceleration of the engine, each transmission shift, the decisions to change lanes, all of it perfect. The movements of the body (and the frightening realization that it was vulnerable and could die at any time), the thoughts that came in, teary eyes and now a racing heartbeat. "What the fuck?" "Everything is moving by itself" "Am I gonna die? (did I say that?)" "Am I driving or . ." Were among some of the thoughts that came up. It felt like I was being pulled along by something I couldn't see, and that it had been pulling me forever. The absurd idea that his house was a "house" when I pulled up. The 16 minute drive was wilder than the NN DMT trip I had a week earlier or anything from just a couple hours prior. It's been on my mind all day today, and honestly even after writing this I'm not quite sure that I've explained what I actually experienced. I didn't want to wait too long to mention this as I'm still processing it as we speak.

Thank you Leo, I will aim for that range.

With my 5-MEO DMT trip coming up in just over a week, I figured I would go ahead and start posting here about other work I've done late 2023 and 2024. Here I'll write what I can remember about a 24 HR Dark Room Retreat. I went to stay with a friend in Texas in his spare bedroom and let him know I would be locking myself in the room and not coming out for 24 hours. He honored that, and it was difficult leaving his cat alone while he was work. I started consciousness work December 2023. This took place January 2024 The rules were: I couldn't leave the room and I couldn't speak (out loud) Some context: At the start I had already fasted for 12 hours to avoid the need to leave the room for #2, I brought green tea and water into the room ahead of time and a large container for #1. I covered up the windows obviously and the slit under the door to prevent light from coming in. I set an alarm to let me know when it was over. I interspersed: Meditation, Do nothing meditation, Holotropic Breathwork, Concentration and Self Inquiry. Some of the observations I made included: 1.) How bad monkey mind was for me, as I drifted off often into sexual fantasies, arguments that have never happened, old jobs etc. Hunger didn't play a role unless one of my daydreams also involved food. This attempt helped me appreciate the seductive nature of thought, and how easily seduced I was. 2.) Plenty of pretending to be nothing as a mental recording of Leo was saying "don't pretend to be nothing". Plenty of trying to "figure it out", once again as already advised against. Since sleep was allowed, once it had been dark for awhile, I assumed it was late enough to sleep. About 1 hour in to the sleep I felt slightly ill. Then I tossed and turned for the next 2 hours (I'm guessing the timeframes). I sat up with excruciating pain in the left half of my face. Using my tongue I noticed my gums on that side at the bottom were inflamed and swelling a bit. I laid back down, and continued to toss and turn for probably another hour and a half without being able to get back to sleep. Finally I break at the pain and leave the room, and go to the kitchen to see that it nearly 6am on the clock. I had done 17 hours of the 24. It was a wisdom tooth that decided to grow on the retreat. I went to walmart and bought pain meds. It was Sunday, and more dread came over me that there were no dentists open, I searched and searched online and couldn't find anything. Then I noticed an expensive "emergency dentist" office pop up after looking again that would open at 8am. I left them a voicemail and they called at 7:50 ish to get me in. Some personal insights about authenticity and confidence came up that I wrote in my journal. At the time it didn't occur to me but looking back months later, perhaps even the tooth issue was a way for the false self to break the retreat. Nothing ego dissolving so early in my journey. I'm way more advanced now, and will aim to complete 24 hrs and longer stretches in the upcoming year.

THE RIVER IS AFRAID WHEN ENTERING THE OCEAN They say that before entering the sea, the river trembles with fear; He looks back at the entire journey, the peaks and mountains, the long and winding road that crossed between jungles and towns, and sees in front of him an ocean so large that entering it can only mean disappearing forever. But there is no other way. The river cannot return. Nobody can come back. Going back is impossible in existence. There is no other way, the river cannot return. The river needs to accept its nature and enter the ocean. Only by entering the ocean will the fear dissipate. Because only then will the river know that it is not about disappearing into the ocean, but about becoming an ocean. You've probably seen or heard this one before as it is not my own.

Weed definitely has some tremendous benefits outside of the enlightenment work, as other's have said, it is very easy to use. I didn't use weed until I was 27. My first edible was so intense, that when I closed my eyes I saw all sorts of fractals and images. Surprisingly, I recognized all the images. I had not become aware of consciousness work when I 27 yet. Looking back, that very first edible was similar to closing my eyes on a psychedelic. An experience like that never happened again with weed. I think weed has good use if eaten. Here's what I recommend with weed. Take 10mg edibles and cut them into either four or eight pieces. Eat only one of the pieces. I have found that this even tinier dose opens up my mind to regular personal development without getting high. Since being high feels so good, it's better to leave behind the getting high part and extract only what you really want from it, which is insights, creativity and open-mindedness. After starting consciousness work and using the tiny edibles I cut, I found that I spent most of my time contemplating how to embody more love at work with my employees as the director of my workplace at the time. Nothing wrong with using the weed, although compared to the psychedelic class it's not as good. I would agree it is easier to get yourself to sit down and meditate or contemplate or something.

@AION It is often attributed to someone called Khalil Gibran. However I found the metaphor in a random facebook post.