Infinite Tsukuyomi

Beautiful MotherEve. This is a monumental breakthrough that will lead you to who you really are. The sudden immense vulnerability that is the fear of death is frightening yet awe inspiring. Don't worry too much about whether your descriptions make sense, others that have had these experiences will be able to tell.

Now with mindfulness, inquiry and psychedelics (including 5-MeO) my consciousness is radically different than when I was atheist. My atheistic stage of understanding just threw the baby out with the bath water. Religion crazy = God doesn't exist, a strange conclusion The depth to which I was unconscious of God/Absolute Truth was abysmal. My desire for Truth pushed me through Christianity, atheism, then materialism, then ontological mathematics and finally my 'self'. Looking back, I realize how religion was just the first clue. It's very easy to get stuck at this stage since questioning God is out of the question in Christianity. The step that atheist don't take, that I eventually did, was consider that there could be a God but that religion is simply wrong about God is. This allowed me to make the leap from materialism finally to the adjacent higher perspective. The saving move for me was to aim for Truth (since the word 'God' is corrupted by religion) A story/symbol about Truth (religion) >>> abject unconscious denial of truth (atheism) >>> pseudo-truth (materialism) >>> conceptual truth (ontology, theory, embrace of paradox, ideas, fantasies) >>> Truth

Where a wristband if you don't already. If you want more consciousness around your attention seeking, it can help remind you throughout the day to look for where you are doing it.

As a gay man, I have told my straight male friends to show more dick print on there. Looks like someone does, and it works well. It simultaneously has a rebellious air to it, which I think works well.

@Elton My advice as someone who has been having a wild ego backlash, and dealing with #2, #3, #5 somewhat, #10 and #11 is to do completely random things each day for a couple hours. They can be stuff you always wanted to do, or just whatever. The work is just acknowledging how you want it go, then deciding ahead of time to accept however it ends up going. Here’s how that looked for me this morning: I promised myself I would wake up and film myself doing whatever at a lake about 30 minutes from where I am. I was planning to voice over the clips at a later time for youtube. Anyway, I didn’t want to when I got up, I was no longer motivated by the idea I didn’t think it would turn out good, it would be cold outside (25 degrees), it’s a waste of gas and so on. So I decided that it didn’t matter if it turned out good, or if I enjoyed it. I just needed to follow through with what I said, so self trust. I ended up finding a heavy log from a tree in the woods, and just did a few sets of military press and curls with it on camera. The rest of the time I just got footage of nature and of myself, sitting, thinking, walking etc. Try something like this, plan something today and expect to not want to follow through tomorrow. The idea is that you can build momentum arbitrarily and bypass your subconscious. The less the activity means, or the less you care about it the better. When you’re down the subconscious mind wants meaning but isn’t finding it, switching to a meaningless momentum mindset can do wonders. Repeat daily, perhaps even 21 days of this.

Well, since contemplation is something we picked out of reality as something that exists, it too must collapse at the end. My answer to your question is <%100. Contemplation can help you realize an unknown percentage of reality, but what is known is that it too will collapse when you completely realize.

Everyone is suggesting that you are creating your own emotional interpretation of your awakening. You just aren't aware of how you're doing it, that's what really makes it frustrating, let me explain. The ego operates almost entirely unconsciously. *The feelings of not being able to enjoy human life is coming from the subconscious/unconscious mind as an ego in the dualistic hallucination. The ego is good at taking Truth and attempting at interpretations of it. I realized a few days ago, that I also have been having a hell of an ego backlash (5 MEO 30 days ago). I had many moments of "what's the point". A few more days of enduring my own suffering made me realize that these feelings are a result of the ego's sense-making and meaning-making, taking place in the background (subconscious) of my mind. You and I have an attachment to meaning. I've been using an idea from Gay Hendricks called a body map, it may not be his original idea though. Anyway, I can locate where meaning exists in the body, for me its right in the middle of my body just under the rib cage on my torso. Energy arises in this area at the same time as loneliness/solipsism etc. Our work is to dissolve it (or live with it). Of course letting it go is that last thing we want Interestingly, what is this post? Just more meaning making! *My answer to your question is that the loneliness is ego.

As long as you keep making more videos, expanding on the stages in future videos etc you should be good. I personally like seeing people's intros, so I would say to make one of those, helps associate your channel with whatever quality you end up putting out.

She only spoke before administration and then good while after I came back down. I thought the prayers were interesting but I went with it. Okay, that's one of his videos I haven't seen yet. I'll check it out. As far a meditation goes, sometimes I think the ego likes a drawn out process.

Before I discovered actualized.org, spirituality or consciousness work I was always curious about the origin of reality. While talking to my ex-boyfriend one night, he asked me "Why are you so obsessed with God?", I was atheist at the time but I liked to talk about it. I always had a desire for Truth ever since I first asked my mother "why do we die?", "are you going to die?", "am I going to die?". Combine that with a later discovery that I was gay (and grew up with Christianity) and you have a nice Truth seeking starter pack. I can't remember how I answered my ex's question, but I do remember telling him this random insight I had the day prior. Which was this: "You know what, I was thinking yesterday that if you met God . . okay, imagine this, let's say God's real. He walks into this room right now, I bet we would instantly dissolve." I further explained that this being would be so powerful that even it's Love would be too much to handle. I don't recall thinking my way to this idea, it just sort of landed on me. I had a very dualistic idea of God, it hadn't dawned on me at the time that I could be God. The indoctrination and fear of death led to my child like curiosity which eventually led me here in a very non-linear way. And of course while writing this, I think "who are you writing to?" lol. Gay Hendricks in Conscious Living says "Don't settle for easy answers to the mystery" Albert Einstein said "Never lose a holy curiosity"

I've seen so many of Leo's videos and many of them multiple times over to extract more out of them, apply at different times etc. I have not yet watched this one. Next time I'm sitting down to study I'll put this one at the top of the list.

I like how she sees dancing. I saw Leo's original post about it as well. Martin Ball also mentioned in one of his interviews that he prefers dance like no one is watching even over sitting meditation. This is something just as of yesterday, I've decided to incorporate.

I had my first 5-Meo-DMT trip three days ago and just got back to my computer. I made a 60 hour round trip in order to do so. I could have flew by plane, but wanted to have the contemplation time before and after, and driving helps me do so very well. Pre Trip I fasted for about 30hrs prior to the start of the trip, to avoid vomiting and crapping. I went for a long walk at the beach and a nearby park before heading back home. A bit of Kriya Yoga and meditation a couple hours before the facilitator arrived. The Trip Itself Firstly, I had a facilitator who was accompanied by a musician. The three of us set up a safe space on the floor: a mattress, and pillows surrounding the mattress. We adjusted to a dim lighting in the room and then I got to know them both a bit. They each have done 5-Meo before. I explained my previous substances and trips which were in this order over last year: 2g psilocybin (first time to test), 6g psilocybin (breakthrough)[life is a play], 6g psilocybin [no self], 7.6g psilocybin [mostly me rolling around], 6g psilocybin [nothing for hours, then mild low dose effects], 1.2g psilocybin [interesting message] , NN DMT (a few hits from a pen, I was doing it wrong), NN DMT (5 deep hits from a pen)[unforgettable visuals, landscape altering]. Then we collaborated on dosage, I told her that it takes me medium-high doses to breakthrough from everything I've tried so far. She determined that I would do 60mg. I then requested it be split, so we did 20mg then 40mg. We used Toad 5-Meo. The ceremony took place in this order: A prayer A meditation or contemplation on my death Another prayer A few minutes to evaluate and reaffirm to myself my intentions 20mg hit, where they both laid me back gently to see what would happen. There were no visuals that I could make out, before I closed my eyes. It felt like I was at my own funeral, my body was very relaxed. To me it seemed that my body surrendered and died almost willy-nilly. This did not phase me at all, as "I" was still there aware of it. I remember her calling my name, she asked how I was feeling and I said "Good". She asked if I wanted more and I quickly said yes. I sat up, opened my eyes and began to take the rest of the 5-Meo. At this point, the music was going. They laid me back down, by the time my head hit the pillow, I was blasted clean into infinity. I was undergoing what I'll call a rapid unraveling or infinite self-inquiry. I realize for the first time, what it was that I was actually seeking and asking for in inquiry and meditation. There was no conceivable way I would ever get here with those methods, I thought. In other words, it got really fucking real, really quick. The music is now synched perfectly with my experience, "I'm really going to die". I realized that I had broken my brain, I had broken reality and I was simultaneously horrified yet hungry for a resolution. I reached a point of UTTER INSANITY. At that point, I went back and forth closing and opening my eyes. I looked at the ceiling, then to the left at the musician whose music is the symphony of my annihilation, then to the right at the facilitator who smiled endlessly, then back closed. I felt that I was going away and that I wasn't coming back, the longer I endured, the Truer and Truer it became. "What the hell am I?" "How can it be this big?" "Holy Shit!". I sat up rapidly, and began to rub my face down to my thighs repeatedly. I smiled A LOT and laughed a lot and I completely lost my mind. Then I laid back one final time, endured longer then cracked under the insanity. I said "I think I've had enough". I don't actually remember the facilitator doing anything when I said that, but I know I stopped 'going away' at some point. They offered me rapé, which I declined. She asked if I wanted to discuss anything and I declined that as well, I simply didn't possess the vocabulary to express myself and I felt at the time that I didn't want to 'taint the experience'. I continued to alternate between the body wiping, Wows, laying down and sitting up. They allowed me to be still and silent for awhile. Eventually they began to interact a bit, she gave me some post trip advice such as: integration, journaling, waiting on other psychedelics for 30 days, eating, hydration etc. I felt the my ego start to reform slowly, it was at that time I realized just how persistent it was. I had failed to let the experience consume me completely, as it seemed it would never resolve or rather more truly, I couldn't take more insanity. In the minutes and hours following the trip, I KNEW that I had to do it again, as I felt I didn't go 'all the way' or 'far enough'. These thoughts were a recurring theme, interspersed with awe, wonder, fear etc. As intense as it was, I couldn't abandon God realization until I've fully realized it. That's it for the report. I may remember other details if you ask me specific questions. What's next for me? First of all, 5-Meo DMT is the ultimate tool. It's the no BS method, and there's an instant recognition of this. Now that I've tried it, it has made the manual techniques (meditation, self-inquiry) seem like a joke. Although I also had moments where I felt like they could produce or perhaps NOW they could. If I can get something set up logistically, I would like to use 5-Meo DMT until I can breakthrough. I have reserves of both psilocybin and NN DMT and will follow up with small doses in a month or so. Some takeaways from Martin Ball combined with some takeaways from various Leo teachings I will implement are: Symmetry, surrender (do nothing work), more honestly and authentic self-expression.

Awesome, mine will also be happening for the first time in about a week. I wish us both a profound awakening to our true nature.

True, I've found contemplating death to do the same. While the thoughts that come up about are scary, it does help restore that background mystery to this thing. Amazing.