I've been reluctant to discuss this until it felt resolved, but more as a warning to those who choose to swim in deep water.
Firstly, this needs to be prefaced by saying that I have the utmost respect for Leo and his willingness to share and be open about his experiences.
Secondly, I consider myself a psychonaut with 20 years of experience. Perhaps not to the extent that some may consider, but to give some context: I've done 50+ ayahuasca experiences, 5-MeO breakthrough doses 5+ times, and at least 20 hugs/handshakes, as well as iboga, countless High doses LSD and mushroom trips, and various other experiences.
I've never been on antidepressants and never felt suicidal. I've been open to the realms that these modalities offer, mostly out of curiosity and interest.
On average, 99% of my trips have been good—challenging at times, but ultimately transformative. They have taken me to the edge, and I have learned through facing the fear. Of course, some trips involve shadow work, but I have come to embrace this wholeheartedly.
So, this isn’t my first rodeo. I know what bad trips are like. Having worked with ayahuasca in the Amazon jungle for years, facing a multitude of spaces, I felt well-prepared.
March 2024
I found Leo’s video on "The Other God Particle" interesting and located the substance from a very reputable source, trying Malt as per Leo's suggestion (plugging).
My first experience was with a very light dose (7mg) to see if it was legit and matched his description. The first experience was incredible and exactly as he described. A light dose but I knew that it was legit However, I will say that my recollection of the experience soon disappeared after grounding. All in all, it was a net positive.
A week later, I decided to increase the dose to 12mg - still fairly light
Administered in the same way, this experience was even more beautiful. I navigated the space wonderfully, and at the peak, I was floating in a realm I can only describe as absolute bliss.
Then, in an instant, like a switch being flipped, everything vanished. As high as I had been, it all disappeared. Gone. As infinitely vast as the love and bliss I had just experienced, I now found myself in the polar opposite. No matter what I did—no matter what shamanic tools I had spent over 10 years developing—nothing could resolve it. I was in a perpetual inversion of love. It felt like my entire existence was being sucked into a pit of disgust and sludge.
I tried to engage with the state, to reason with it, but the only response was "No, no, no, no." I knew there was no way out.
Just as one can experience infinite love in quintessential 5-MeO experiences, this was infinity—but of absolute hell.
I eventually opened my eyes and found myself back in the room. I tried to shake it off. I grounded myself as best I could and wrote it off as a bad trip - and continue my day.
However, instead of the high-frequency thoughts I was familiar with after a transformative ceremony, this was the opposite—horrible.
Then Things Got Worse
My dreams began to change. Upon waking, my thoughts felt alien, as if they were not my own. Almost every thought had a tint of something that was not love. Years of work connecting with divinity felt severed.
For six months, it got progressively worse.
At my deepest core, it felt as though my connection to divinity had been completely severed, and worse still, my thoughts were not pure.
It wasn't that I was thinking of doing bad things to people, but I wasn’t thinking of doing good to myself.
May 2024
During these months, I attempted a small handshake dose of classic 5-MeO. All seemed well until the very end when the same sludge and darkness filled the space. This was not what I was familiar with. I knew something was seriously wrong.
June 2024
I tried a weed gummy - as the trip peaked, I felt an endless sensation of darkness and a perpetual cycle of sludge. I was with a woman I loved and felt nothing toward her. Worse, I felt disgust. As I tried to fall asleep, the only way I could describe it was being on a hamster wheel where I couldn't change my thoughts and they were perpetually relapsing this void of love.
It felt as though the seed of my incarnation had flipped into the "opposite of love".
Day by day, the world began to reflect that.
I knew I needed to seek guidance—someone experienced in these realms. I consulted with various shamans and practitioners and decided to undergo a flood dose of 5-MeO to investigate what was happening.
October 2024
The private retreat I attended conducted three ceremonies: one hug and two flood doses.
The first hug felt like I was being torn between two worlds, one very dark, and one very light. It didn't last very long it wasn't profound but it wasn't anything like what I remember 5meo to be.
Then came the flood dose. Just like before, I was hurled back into hell. It felt as if everything I loved was gone. It whispered to me that I would never experience true love again. It felt like the keys to the kingdom of heaven were gone.
When I emerged from the second hit, I spoke to the shaman about where I had gone, and the only thought in my mind was how I would say goodbye to those I loved because I knew—without a doubt—that I was going to kill myself.
I had gone from a happy, normal life to a single experience that flipped a switch and nearly destroyed me.
After the second 5-MeO flood, the only thought that existed in my mind was, “I need to die.”
Having touched divinity many times before, I knew I had broken something within myself.
The shaman and I discussed the events surrounding my Malt experience and considered the possibility of an entity attack—something feeding on ‘Loosh.’ It’s an esoteric concept, but well-documented. If people are interested, I can share more.
In this darkest of spaces, I decided to take a third flood dose, but this time with one singular intent: expelling whatever had attached itself to me.
I had recently completed a Bobinsana dieta in Peru (November 2023). She is a protector, so I called on her spirits.
I went in with everything I had, and the shaman did the same, knowing now that this was potentially paranormal or non-ordinary.
Going back in, going into the darkness, the third ceremony was just like the second, Hell, all I tried doing was focus on love and perhaps even prayer and then, something happened.
Like a flickering heartbeat of light, something reignited within me. Just as the switch had turned off in March, something switched back on. The dark sludge that had cloaked my perception vanished instantly.
The only words that escaped my mouth were: “I’m back.”
From that day onwards, I haven’t had a single feeling reminiscent of those six months.
I recently had a deep mushroom trip, and it felt normal—full of the familiar mystical qualities and none of the vile, invasive frequencies.
Conclusion
I truly believe that whatever this was has left me.
I believe it did not have my best interests at heart.
I spoke with another person who had the exact same experience—at the peak, something dark touched his third eye, and for two years he wanted to kill himself.
Some will say, “Oh, it was just your shadow.” Having worked in the Amazon, I know people who have encountered true evil. This could have been one of those cases.
We swim in deep waters- Protect yourself in these states
But the last thing I’ll leave you with is:
Never give up.
