Hello everyone,
The concept of sharing to random people on the net feels a little foreign to me but I'll just go ahead.
I am a 27 y o Male, lives in Tunisia - North Africa, Working as a Computer Engineer
I have been experiencing a very annoying depressive period (the last two weeks) and this has been really keeping me stuck. It first started with a relationship breakup, it was a girl I seriously enjoyed her company, that was very pleasurable. Although the relationship duration wasn't that long (a month or like 40 days) and most of it was long distance (we were talking by phone every night), but it has a deep emotional impact on me and we were so much close (at least "I" felt that).
Regardless of the relationship, I was having some tiny problems, like work stress (since I am new to the professional world) and also tiny overspending issues which are easily resolved, those weren't much of a problem for me before, but now that I have moved on to the depressive side (the dark side), I'm seeing them as cataclysms that are destroying me. So now I am left with the feeling of uselessness, tightness in my chest, chronic sadness and envy, emptiness. And more dangerously, not only did I lose the energy to improve my life, I'm not even able to stay at work, but I also lost taste in the things I was enjoying, I was writing articles and going out with friends as a hobby, but now it's all tasteless
This girl was amazing, she was an old friend from High School, we lost contact after school, but then we recently (exactly start of February) made contact. We became interested in each other, Facebook, phones and Viber got us back together. Everything started the day she came over to my place, from that moment onward, everything felt like a dream, I am actually tearing up right now just from writing about it. It was amazing, it lasted for a month, and she visited me 3 times, each time staying for three days.
Those were actually the best days of my life. Periods of time in which I REALLY felt fulfilled, secure, and most of all... Happy and at peace... I really wasn't demanding anything else in my life, I was satisfied, and just wanted things to stay the same... never moving again... but ALAS !
This girl was having, from the start, problems of "radio silence", long periods of time in which I have no news about her, not answering neither her phone calls nor texts nor Facebook, NOTHING ! One of these times, two weeks ago exactly, I really couldn't stand it anymore, not only didn't she answer my calls, but she even picked up when I called from an unknown number...
That was it ! The rage, the feeling of being let down, the feeling that my trust was misplaced, I quickly grabbed my computer, opened Facebook, sent her a message going like "you betrayed me" and "I will always wish you hell in your life" and "you really hurt me" and all this kind of angry crap, and then, finally, the topping, I blocked her...
After that message she instantly called me, and said her mother has confiscated her phone, and she just got it back just right now.
I knew then... That with her not answering, she was already having second thoughts about me... And now with that neurotic reaction, I have just confirmed all her fears... It was OVER !
Now I'm left all alone, with the memories of these wonderful days only hurting, with her traces and left items in my house hurting, with guilt about what I've done hurting, with thoughts about other men sleeping with her hurting, with thoughts of my kids whom she's not the mother hurting... It feels as if a family member has died. It feels awful. Finding true love and living the best days of your life and then seeing them go away, helplessly... Now this pain is starting to seep to the rest of my life... I have no more energy to work and will get fired, I have no more taste to enjoy the things I was enjoying before... I'm starting to lose friends and close family members, who are starting to get fed-up with my depression, and telling me "it's only a chick, get over her" I don't want to feel misunderstood cause that's typical victim behavior, but I'm forced to think so... I'm sad, I'm crying all the nights, I'm starting to get sucked into severe addictions like alcohol and tobacco... I'm stuck in my life !
I have already watched most of Leo's videos on Youtube, and since I'm in Tunisia, most of Actualized.org material is not accessible in my country, but even while watching and reading about self-actualization, I am always distracted in my own thoughts, I quickly lose taste... Or I just outright forget everything the following day.
So what I want is... I just want my life back, I was living normally before, enjoying myself... But now that this girl have entered my mind, she became all I think about, and this is keeping me always sad and always stuck.
