Hello self-actualizators,
Now I'm going to lay down all my problems here. I feel awkward most of the time. I'm in high-school and I still haven't build my confidence and I am extremely shy and insecure sometimes. I always worry about how I look and what people think of me, I feel bad for the words I say and the list goes on. I can make it unbelievably long... But as I think, I'm a normal person.. What could be wrong with me? I want to go to university and find a fulfilling job, but when I make a decision I don't keep it. I'm not sure what my interests are, what i'm good at.. I have no motivation. And the problem is when someone gives me a compliment, I feel happy just for the moment and that's not how I see myself and if someone hurt me or some stuff happened I see myself even worser and hopeless. My 'so called' friends ignore me and always make me feel bad somehow. I don't get on with my parents. I fail at communication and so on. I have excellent grades at school, i'm doing a sport, i'm not starving, there's a roof above my head, but i'm still not happy. I can't control my mind. I see no point in my existence even though I have dreams to make the world a better place. I spend my nights watching Leo's videos, right now I read this book 'How to win friends and influence others', but I fail at following the tips. This self-help work is just so hard. I don't like my parents, I don't like myself and i'm just a miserable victim and i'm not sure exactly what I can do about it. I am blocked in depression, since I broke up with my first love which was before 2 years. Guilty and shame are feelings that always pop up. See, when I told my parents I'll go meditating, my uncle said that there's no point in it, there was that electromagnetic radiation that make people freak out. It was the same when I told him I may study medicine, his answer was that doctors are paid to kill people. He said you rather study engineering. And maybe I also have those black glasses by the influence of the people around me. I want to change for the good. That's why i'm here. Because I believe that life cannot be only suffering. But maybe I'm not trying hard enough. And that doesn't motivates me, it just makes me blame myself. I'm compassionate, kind and I think I can love. Why I always screw up myself?!?
Thank you for reading.