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@Serotoninluv Got it. Thank you!

@Serotoninluv That's intense! Thank you so much for sharing. This work ain't child play.

@Serotoninluv Thank you! This was tremendously helpful. Have you gone through the anxiety/resistance completely? @peanutspathtotruth Man, thank you. I know I have to face death. I am just afraid of it as it feels so fucking real. Maybe good Ol' Terence said it best: Mushrooms cannot kill you... they can only convince you that they can kill you. I am also aware that death is a joke. Just not in my day to day life. Here I fear suffering... not only for "me"... but more for my loved ones. Ego is a sneaky fella.

Man I can relate to that dying part. Great stuff!

First of all, thank you! Exactly! That's the issue... @Gili Trawangan Thank you! I found it: @AncestorOfAisle6 Easier said then done Even after the panic attack I broke through to full on Nonduality however I came back from it. And here I am... afraid that my body dies and I cannot come back to live and love this dimension of Life. @Serotoninluv I've felt the resistance and it's icky. Every breakthrough before that was smooth sailing. Only this one was rough and rapid. I am aware of the two sides inside of me. It took "me" by surprise how radical the shift is... so the ego puts up a fight. What would be your pointer to resolve this?

How does one let go of/overcome the fear of death permanently (especially in regards to enlightenment work - panic whilst meditating and so on)? What is the relationship between between fear and awakening?

Good lord fucking gracious. I am wholeheartedly grateful I made it out of this one alive. After my last trip two weeks ago (where I boiled the mushrooms to hard and didn't have a full on trip) I decided to go in again. As I took the first sip of my tea I knew that this one was going to go off. And it did. Oh my… I laid down and my heart immediately began to race. Pounding. I experienced this before in meditation. Relaxation was possible. The heart slowed down. Only to give way to purest most terrifying fear I have ever experienced. From the bottom of my heart, I did not know if I would still come back to write this report. I unlocked the door… considering to call an emergency (I would call myself a more experienced psychonaut but I have never experienced anything close to this). It was pure naked fear of death. It wasn’t even about me. It was about the people I love. I did not want them to suffer as I was gone. I opened my eyes. I changed positions. Trying to anchor myself in Love. But it was a full on panic attack. My visual field… my whole body was pure naked fear. Then, after 20 minutes I was somehow able to accept my heart pounding like crazy and in that instance I broke through to God. My previous breakthroughs where much more gentle... this one was brute force. I guess you get what you ask for as my intentions were: 1. What is fear and how can I overcome it? 2. Who am I… for real? Well at this point I had experienced enough fear for multiple lifetimes. God’s teachings are a full contact sport lol. Once I broke through both intentions where realized at once: I am that I am. I am all of it at once. I am this. I am that. I am nothing. I am God. I am. Love. "I" cannot be described. All descriptions are not it. They just slip right off when you try to paste them on. However there is one current… one force which is all of this. And this force is Love. In previous trips this Isness was experienced as consciousness but what came through this time was absolute fucking Love. God is Love. God is pure Brutality. Reality is so utterly brutal. And God… is holding all of it at once and is loving it. The torture, the rape, the insurmountable suffering. It is exploring and experiencing all of it at once. And that I am. It turns out fear is the final obstacle to Awakening. I got this image of a demon screaming in my face. And as I realized that which truly is... the demon bursted into butterflies. All along fear was an illusion. It holds this duality in place so that God can experience itself. Yet you (the one who forget she is God) can still overcome it and realize God. What an ingenious design. The peak was proceeded by laughter and profanity. Then there were periods of crying and thankfulness. Never have I ever been so grateful to be alive. I tried to stand up after two hours but my legs gave in and I just cried and cried. Then there were more realizations: 1. The Truth of the hand. There is no difference between existence and non existence. The two are one. Not only are they not two… the possibility of distinction is also imaginary. In Truth there no thing as distinctiveness. 2. Who is controlling animals… humans… me? There was a vision where I was able to see that every being has a sort of light in it. It was resembling consciousness. God is living their life… experiencing their reality in this moment. It is dreaming infinite dreams at once. A bug is less conscious than a duck… and ever so on. 3. Love is Brutality. God is all of it. All at once. It is exploring every nuck and cranny of Life. Including torture and rape. And on a deeper note: Rape can only happen if both souls agreed on it happening. This is deeper than the body/mind. Both souls yearn to experience it exactly like that. All out of Love. It is all Love. It is the great reason and the essence. 4. Self Love. I was able... for the first time in my life... to truly accept and love myself. This was healing to say the least. I finally truly owned being me. Charting my own way in life. Being totally cool and loving with myself. 5. The purpose of Art As an artist I wanted to find out what Art is about: It is about communication. It is not copying reality… it is communion and communication. --- Thank you so much for reading. I am so grateful to be alive. These have been the most terrifying and beautiful 4 hours of my life. I thought about the title of this report alot... it could have been "Realization, Love & God" but I think "Fear, Death & Brutality" are just more fitting and still the same. Holy fuck. Namaste

@remember Dude, I think you seriously misunderstood what I wrote and meant. I won't comment on your judgements and accusations. Have a good one.

@remember Okay

Lol - you serious? This isn't going anywhere. I wish you all the best but I won't engage anymore.

I've worked with a coach who wrote one of the highest rated books on Leo's booklist. She told me multiple times how lucky I am regarding my good Karma. Although I am not really into that topic (yet). Don't get me wrong. The breakthrough was challenging. But I think it was due to the intention I set for myself (learning about fear and love is a full contact sport - as reference you can watch Leo's first 5meo video including the panic attack). Also I do not know what Karma has to do with what I was writing about (e.g. the more brutal aspects of reality). If God didn't want "this" why would he invent the possibility of it happening?

@astrokeen I've been doing Kriya Yoga and daily mediation for about three years Also this wasn't my first breakthrough to God consciousness. I've done a good 20 trips (this was #16 on mushrooms not 13... I cannot seem to edit the post). @DrewNows ?? @remember Nah dude, justification implies that there is something wrong. Yet from God's point of view there is nothing wrong with rape, murder or torture. If you want to play the ego-card that's fine. I am not enlightened nor do I claim to be. Yet the insight stands. It is my direct consciousness (of course I could be wrong/have been misinterpretating). Find out for yourself if you dare

@Leo Gura Or so I imagined

@Leo Gura I had a vision of my mother giving birth to me. She was screaming in pain. It broke my heart however there was so much Love to it that I just had to cry. It was brutal and also utterly gentle and loving. In the past I mostly saw the beauty in nature... skipping over the brutal aspects. Really they go hand in hand.

@Nahm Interesting. Could you share? The way I understood it was that there is a deeper part to each being - call it soul - that has its own yearning which most beings are not directly aware of. As in God wants to experience itself in every possible way. I am also aware of that one can become conscious of what the soul wants and align oneself with that. However this was only one trip and the topic seems complex.

@Nahm Yes, that is what I became aware of. What is your experience on that matter ?

@Nahm Thank you ?? What you mean by assertion things?

@Shaun Not at all. You‘re missing the deeper component of the soul. I am not saying that rape is ok and should be legal. I am saying that all is Love and God experiencing itself in even this way which is perceived „fucked up“ by most humans.

@SoonHei Thank you ??

@okulele Thank you ??

@okulele Great stuff! Thx alot for sharing. I’m curious: What did your day typically look like? What practices did you do and for how long? Also, what tips would you give someone planning his first solo retreat? - Much Love

Includes my first (brief) alien encounter on mushrooms:

@Girzo Ahh man what a bitch. First they take our AL-LAD now this... Thank you for clarifying ??

Hey guys, after my last trip I am planning on getting some DPT. However there have been some law changes in July in Germany. I read the law but could not really get through all the chemical jargon. DPT is not called out specifically but there are some chemical links that are banned outright. Does anyone of you know if it is still legal in GE? Cheers!

I've thought long about if I should even post this one as it was so strange and not even really a trip. But anyhow - here goes nothing. The tale of the whale began a week ago. After finishing my evening meditation I sat down in my room and just enjoyed the silence for a bit. The meditation was meh... but the after state was a dense silence. Then I journaled a bit. I jotted down some questions based on observations I made earlier this week: I was walking through the park on my way to work and just looked at the ducks. It was really interesting. Why do they do what they do? Why do they fight over food? Yes, they are programmed! They just play this program called survival without being aware of it. Very interesting. In this instance I also realized: Wait, I am doing the exact fucking thing! I am running my survival program! But who installed the program? Who is really running the show? Interesting question. This thought process came back up that evening and I just wrote down more questions... and it all came down to: Who am I? Not in a villy nilly way (in which I did one year of self inquiry) but in a very threatening way. It felt like I asked this question for first time for real. I proceeded to go to the bathroom and as I sat down to take a piss my complete identity just slipped away. It was complete silence and there was the urge to think but nothing came up. It was just a blank. There was still a body sitting there but it was not born, it had no parents and no image of itself. That was freaky to say the least until it went away again (one minute or so). --- Then, on Friday I was walking through town and again asked myself: "Who am I?". Then there was a voice in my head. The same one which talked to me multiple times during my trips. It said: "Ask a better question!". I answered: "Who is asking this question?". (This was totally spontaneous). However in that instance my mind flipped completely from the inside out. There was no "outside" there was only inside. This only lasted a couple seconds but was very radical. --- On Saturday I wanted to make my monthly trip. I weighed out 3.5g of mushrooms, made my tea. Sipped it. Laid down. The come up was slow. Then there was an insight: I had a vision of a bug of some sort which was trapped and tortured in some sort of device. It was really heart wrenching. I sent the bug love but there was no change. Then the insight hit: Love is what brought the bug there. Love is what made the device. And the torturer is acting out of Love. In that instance the device disappeared and the bug was set free. --- This was so deep but it still went on: Not only does "good" or "bad" not exist in the realm of Truth, there is a much much deeper level to it: For duality of any sort to exist, there first must be the possibility of distinction. HOWEVER, there is no distinction, there is only absolute... and THEREFORE good and bad do not exist! --- After that there was a vision of some heroin and coke addicts. I put my arms closer to my body because they were injecting themselves and I am afraid of needles. Then there was the insight: They are doing the exact same thing as you are. They are searching for the great white whale. They are searching for God! --- Another insight was: If you want to be enlightened you have to surrender the commentator. I notice this in myself especially. My mind has become much more quiet over the last months but there is still this voice which comments on everything. It's not even that malicious (that's what it tells me at least ) but it still puts everything into categories and narrates my life. This has to be surrendered as well. --- All this happened in the first two hours of the trip then something very, very strange happened. I've never had these auditory hallucinations before, it sounded alien, mechanical even. And then... don't call me crazy (or do, I don't care)... for one second... on the top right of me... an alien popped up. It was small-ish (1-2 feet), had a big head, was grey and had black eyes. This could absolutely be a figment of my imagination. I have no idea at all. But I can clearly remember it. This way or the other it was there. And what was even stranger, the trip stopped after that. It was basically the come up - no peak - come down. All in 4 hours max. This NEVER happened to me. I then proceeded to go on with my life and decided to re-dose later that evening. I did so at about 6pm with about 3g's... but yet again, there were only mild effects but no where near where 3g's have taken me in the past. It was barely noticeable, like 0.6g's maybe. This was quite disappointing as I had some big questions lined up. However the show must go on and the search for the great white whale continues. Thank you for reading!