cle103

Preface: This was the first proper trip after my last one which was preceeded by a panic attack and subsequent ego death. I was not entirely sure if I was ready for another round however I felt really good this morning and decided to go in again. The Come Up: Just like last trip the body panicked upon intake of the tea. However this time I was able to stay completely calm. The heart and stomach were beating, yet the mind was calm and clear. And after a couple of minutes the body panic stopped and the trip started. The trip: After the heart beat returned to normal there was a simple sentence that came to me: "Remember, the Darkness is the Light". And as it turned out this should be theme of the trip. The Darkness The trip started of dark. Really dark. Mushrooms can be like that. Someone once wrote here that it's kinda like being dropped of on a random planet. Pretty accurate I would say. Well this planet was at war. I had a vision of someone being tortured. Me being the one leading the interrogation and the one taking the pain. I had vision of a couple young boys having a fight and beating the living shit out of each other. I had a vision of an Asian genocide happening before my eyes. Lastly I had a vision of some violent alien race pillaging the galaxy... led by some sort of hive mind. Note, I include this to be accurate. I don't know if there is any truth to that whatsoever. Yet it kinda felt like a warning. The Shadow After all that darkness I decided to take a little break. Once I came back from taking a piss I lied back down and the darkness revealed itself as the shadow. The male shadow to be exact. The male shadow is anger. And, very interestingly the female shadow is deception. I have not studied shadow work yet, however this is my direct experience. Both energies seemed to be wounded deeply and I had visions of both being acted out by people I know. Then I was also shown how to be a man. Being a man entails dealing with that shadow and shining a light on it (note that everyone has both male and female energy). And very interestingly it includes homosexuality. I have one gay friend however I noticed that I have a bit of a resistance towards being gay. That resistance was surrendered. This side of me which was resistant was able to be re-integrated. I still like women last time I checked but I feel more whole as man. The Light After all of that the Light came. I still had some violent visions however this time it was different. There was a light shining through. There was a particular scene I remember. The light merged with the darkness becoming pure light setting the scene in stone. I remembered that all that darkness is Love. It is light. It is Goodness. Love (with a capital "L") includes all of it. It is it. It is the darkness and the shadow. That is what pure Love entails. And why all the darkness? Out of Love. The Voice I still wanted to break through to God and tried to surrendered further. Then, for the first time I was able to see existence as a projection. It's a hologram. It has no substance. What we call life is a projection onto the screen of consciousness. The body is a thought and has no absolute essence. The mind is illusory and has no absolute essence. My birth is a story. I am a story. What I call "me" is a character in a game called life. It has no essence. What is left then? Isness. Pure self aware Isness. Why is there a voice inside of my head? Most of the breakthroughs I had were kind of narrated by the voice in my head (until the event horizon was passed so to speak). This time I could see how the voice lost itself. It still narrated but it lost itself in a sort of echo chamber of God. It too had no essence of itself. I, as God was talking to myself. There were no bells, whistles of ecstasy this time. It also wasn't a complete breakthrough. More of merging in and out of Nonduality. That's it. Short and sweet. Most important (for me at least) was to be able to face the fear and jump into the deep end again. There is still work to do. Don't know when I will trip again though. Have a good one! Much love

@Nahm #humans lol

@Leo Gura That‘s a good point. In one of the last trips I became aware of this gender construct (you‘re not either or - you are both/none - with a set point somewhere on that „field“). It just felt like this trip was about the male side of the story. @Nahm Thank you ??

@Leo Gura Interesting. This trip mostly dealt with the masculine side (I‘m male). Gotta get more into that.

@lostmedstudent Cheers mate!

Thanks alot for the reply! I've never really gotten into Rupert as he seemed a bit to clean and scientific for me (I'm more of an Eckhart and Adyashanti guy). I will give it go! Any thoughts regarding "fear of death" and how you overcame it (if you did)?

Hey guys, to ask this question properly I have to give you some background. About a year ago I had the following vision on one of my AL-LAD trips: "I" wanted to become enlightened but couldn't "do" it. There was frustration as there was no breakthrough. Then I had the vision of multiple beings around me. Most distinctly I can remember Eckhart Tolle (also there was Adyashanti and some others). They were all looking at me very seriously. Not in a bad way. More like, the play time is over. In an instance I understood what they meant. If you want to be enlightened, "you" have to die. I intuitively understood this however I could not surrender enough that time. Forward to last trip (couple weeks ago) and for the first time I had a proper panic attack on mushrooms. During the last months there were multiple breakthroughs to God consciousness however there was never pure panic. My body/mind freaked out because the mushrooms came on SO fast (normally they take 30 minutes... that time it was more like 3). My heart was beating out of control for multiple minutes. It was naked fear (of death). Here is the thing: I know I need to surrender to death. I also know that psychedelics are most likely the way. HOWEVER I am really concerned that the body dies as well. I think I've broken through enough times that I could surrender to death however I still want to come back and live life. This is more of a health concern. I have to admit, at the moment I am bit scared of tripping. To the more experienced trippers: What would be your recommendation? Maybe a trip sitter (I've done about 20 solo trips thus far)? Much Love ❤️️

Thx alot for sharing! I' curious about a couple points: 1. Could you go more into more depth on how this would look? ^ 2. Did you encounter fear of death (or deep fear/panic in general)? How did you overcome it? 3. What did your day to day practice look like? 4. What did you do in particular to do this? ^

@mandyjw Thank you! The fear only came up during the last trip. I have alot more work to do on that front. Which is quite scary (pun intended). @Leo Gura Thx! Reframe is helpful. Back to work then. @remember Thank you! I'd say that I am quite in touch with my feminine side (which isn't saying too much for a male in Germany). What resources would you recommend regarding shadow work? I have the book about it from the book list... haven't read it yet though. @Nahm As usual thank you! I will actually do that.

@Serotoninluv Got it. Thank you!

@Serotoninluv That's intense! Thank you so much for sharing. This work ain't child play.

@Serotoninluv Thank you! This was tremendously helpful. Have you gone through the anxiety/resistance completely? @peanutspathtotruth Man, thank you. I know I have to face death. I am just afraid of it as it feels so fucking real. Maybe good Ol' Terence said it best: Mushrooms cannot kill you... they can only convince you that they can kill you. I am also aware that death is a joke. Just not in my day to day life. Here I fear suffering... not only for "me"... but more for my loved ones. Ego is a sneaky fella.

Man I can relate to that dying part. Great stuff!

First of all, thank you! Exactly! That's the issue... @Gili Trawangan Thank you! I found it: @AncestorOfAisle6 Easier said then done Even after the panic attack I broke through to full on Nonduality however I came back from it. And here I am... afraid that my body dies and I cannot come back to live and love this dimension of Life. @Serotoninluv I've felt the resistance and it's icky. Every breakthrough before that was smooth sailing. Only this one was rough and rapid. I am aware of the two sides inside of me. It took "me" by surprise how radical the shift is... so the ego puts up a fight. What would be your pointer to resolve this?

How does one let go of/overcome the fear of death permanently (especially in regards to enlightenment work - panic whilst meditating and so on)? What is the relationship between between fear and awakening?

Good lord fucking gracious. I am wholeheartedly grateful I made it out of this one alive. After my last trip two weeks ago (where I boiled the mushrooms to hard and didn't have a full on trip) I decided to go in again. As I took the first sip of my tea I knew that this one was going to go off. And it did. Oh my… I laid down and my heart immediately began to race. Pounding. I experienced this before in meditation. Relaxation was possible. The heart slowed down. Only to give way to purest most terrifying fear I have ever experienced. From the bottom of my heart, I did not know if I would still come back to write this report. I unlocked the door… considering to call an emergency (I would call myself a more experienced psychonaut but I have never experienced anything close to this). It was pure naked fear of death. It wasn’t even about me. It was about the people I love. I did not want them to suffer as I was gone. I opened my eyes. I changed positions. Trying to anchor myself in Love. But it was a full on panic attack. My visual field… my whole body was pure naked fear. Then, after 20 minutes I was somehow able to accept my heart pounding like crazy and in that instance I broke through to God. My previous breakthroughs where much more gentle... this one was brute force. I guess you get what you ask for as my intentions were: 1. What is fear and how can I overcome it? 2. Who am I… for real? Well at this point I had experienced enough fear for multiple lifetimes. God’s teachings are a full contact sport lol. Once I broke through both intentions where realized at once: I am that I am. I am all of it at once. I am this. I am that. I am nothing. I am God. I am. Love. "I" cannot be described. All descriptions are not it. They just slip right off when you try to paste them on. However there is one current… one force which is all of this. And this force is Love. In previous trips this Isness was experienced as consciousness but what came through this time was absolute fucking Love. God is Love. God is pure Brutality. Reality is so utterly brutal. And God… is holding all of it at once and is loving it. The torture, the rape, the insurmountable suffering. It is exploring and experiencing all of it at once. And that I am. It turns out fear is the final obstacle to Awakening. I got this image of a demon screaming in my face. And as I realized that which truly is... the demon bursted into butterflies. All along fear was an illusion. It holds this duality in place so that God can experience itself. Yet you (the one who forget she is God) can still overcome it and realize God. What an ingenious design. The peak was proceeded by laughter and profanity. Then there were periods of crying and thankfulness. Never have I ever been so grateful to be alive. I tried to stand up after two hours but my legs gave in and I just cried and cried. Then there were more realizations: 1. The Truth of the hand. There is no difference between existence and non existence. The two are one. Not only are they not two… the possibility of distinction is also imaginary. In Truth there no thing as distinctiveness. 2. Who is controlling animals… humans… me? There was a vision where I was able to see that every being has a sort of light in it. It was resembling consciousness. God is living their life… experiencing their reality in this moment. It is dreaming infinite dreams at once. A bug is less conscious than a duck… and ever so on. 3. Love is Brutality. God is all of it. All at once. It is exploring every nuck and cranny of Life. Including torture and rape. And on a deeper note: Rape can only happen if both souls agreed on it happening. This is deeper than the body/mind. Both souls yearn to experience it exactly like that. All out of Love. It is all Love. It is the great reason and the essence. 4. Self Love. I was able... for the first time in my life... to truly accept and love myself. This was healing to say the least. I finally truly owned being me. Charting my own way in life. Being totally cool and loving with myself. 5. The purpose of Art As an artist I wanted to find out what Art is about: It is about communication. It is not copying reality… it is communion and communication. --- Thank you so much for reading. I am so grateful to be alive. These have been the most terrifying and beautiful 4 hours of my life. I thought about the title of this report alot... it could have been "Realization, Love & God" but I think "Fear, Death & Brutality" are just more fitting and still the same. Holy fuck. Namaste

@remember Dude, I think you seriously misunderstood what I wrote and meant. I won't comment on your judgements and accusations. Have a good one.

@remember Okay

Lol - you serious? This isn't going anywhere. I wish you all the best but I won't engage anymore.

I've worked with a coach who wrote one of the highest rated books on Leo's booklist. She told me multiple times how lucky I am regarding my good Karma. Although I am not really into that topic (yet). Don't get me wrong. The breakthrough was challenging. But I think it was due to the intention I set for myself (learning about fear and love is a full contact sport - as reference you can watch Leo's first 5meo video including the panic attack). Also I do not know what Karma has to do with what I was writing about (e.g. the more brutal aspects of reality). If God didn't want "this" why would he invent the possibility of it happening?

@astrokeen I've been doing Kriya Yoga and daily mediation for about three years Also this wasn't my first breakthrough to God consciousness. I've done a good 20 trips (this was #16 on mushrooms not 13... I cannot seem to edit the post). @DrewNows ?? @remember Nah dude, justification implies that there is something wrong. Yet from God's point of view there is nothing wrong with rape, murder or torture. If you want to play the ego-card that's fine. I am not enlightened nor do I claim to be. Yet the insight stands. It is my direct consciousness (of course I could be wrong/have been misinterpretating). Find out for yourself if you dare

@Leo Gura Or so I imagined

@Leo Gura I had a vision of my mother giving birth to me. She was screaming in pain. It broke my heart however there was so much Love to it that I just had to cry. It was brutal and also utterly gentle and loving. In the past I mostly saw the beauty in nature... skipping over the brutal aspects. Really they go hand in hand.

@Nahm Interesting. Could you share? The way I understood it was that there is a deeper part to each being - call it soul - that has its own yearning which most beings are not directly aware of. As in God wants to experience itself in every possible way. I am also aware of that one can become conscious of what the soul wants and align oneself with that. However this was only one trip and the topic seems complex.

@Nahm Yes, that is what I became aware of. What is your experience on that matter ?