Curious_classic

Hey @Raze , thank you so much for sharing this with me.

I know that meditation works, building habits too and alot of self help books give insights and inspiration, I did it before, I kicked smoking and drugs so hard, I lost weight, built muscles, crushed the grip out of porn addiction, but masterbation only for 30 days is my best score, ( some don't believe in nofap I totally get that ) But that legendary phase of my life,where the changes I've made looked so good to be true I lost everything after it, now I masterbate to porn everyday, share my secrets, smoke, wach anime and play video games all day, I procrastinate the important stuff, I never go to the gym, I eat junk food. I'm here to seek advice, should I go back to nofap, although it's not scientifically proven, I think it kinda work, or maybe it was something else, I don't know what I was doing back then, I just want it back, I don't care about people saying self improvement is a myth, I know it's effective, I saw it, experienced it vividly, I was shocked that I could achieve what I have achieved back then, my willpower just spiked my mental health was very good It felt uphoric, I was disciplined, now what changed is that I started taking olonzapine 10mg and antidepressants, and back to masterbation, wich I think was the main cause of my pleasure seeking destructive behavior, but now i don't want to stop it, i care about what happens in the next one piece episode more than i care about building habits, finding my passion, and that's the big fucking disappointing stuff, i did the lp course multiple times, but i couldn't answer alot of assessments i got stuck on some shit , like i started to find writing fiction lacks visuals and sounds then video editing is something that exites me but i want to decide what happens in the film, i got stuck inside a maze, and i couldn't defeat the invisible power that was pushing me far away from my true life purpose, so i gave up, and nihilism got the best of me, and i started finding excuses that i won't be seccessful at whatever i do, and i got hooked into the lifestyle of working, making money, and buying consoles and gaming accessories, im a loser, and i love this lifestyle, im hooked, where should I start now?? What should I do ? Help!

I don't know if I'll ever be able to resolve this issue and conflicts between my aspirations, desires, and my mysterious passions. The first reason is that I can't communicate the issue to myself and to others in the way it needs to be communicated. ● the lp course that I failed at: I did the life purpose course three times now. The first time, I jumped to the conclusion that I need to be a writer. How? Let me introduce you to the stupidest jump to conclusions in my life. I watched a documentary of Leonardo DaVinci, and I was moved. I thought to myself, "I can do everything he did in my fictional stories." To think of it, how dumb I was and still am. ● what I like about creativity: And the way I think of it, I know it's just BS, but I gravitate towards creating a mix of memories and emotions and channeling them into work; it can be therapeutic. Coming up with and fishing for ideas, especially those that come while doing mind wandering and brainstorming using mind maps, emotionally impacting others—I just want it. I feel the loss once I let go of writing. ● love hate relationship with writing: But here's the thing that pisses me off: I don't want to write in Arabic. I don't agree with their agenda. I like to write for an English American audience or any country that is as far as possible from interrupting my freedom of speech and thought. So, my English is awful for a writer. I didn't even put time to punctuate properly. The thing is that I can't understand novels that well, so I get bored, but maybe it's due to me being uninterested, maybe. Now, I like coming up with ideas, but the process of writing—I procrastinate it like it's going to kill me. I can't write even for 10 minutes. I go through phases during the day, from thinking that words aren't enough and visual storytelling is better, to phases where I fall in love with the beauty of abstract concepts and the inspiration they bring. I have a love-hate relationship with writing. ● not enjoying the process of writing: I want to add that prior to this, I was a graphic designer and video editor. I used to draw all day non-stop, so this leads me to doubt that I love writing even more. I become very disciplined when I do video editing or draw something, but with writing, I can't. I can be disciplined reading but not writing. Maybe it's the act of booting the PC that's stopping me because when I do write with pencil and paper, I write for about 2 hours maximum. But the problem isn't discipline; it's that I think writing doesn't have any results. I see some people work on big projects for years to only receive 100 readers. This made me lose hope. But the biggest killer of all hopes is artificial intelligence. It's making me want to end it. The creative process doesn't matter now; it's all down to a phrase and clicking generate. What is the use of going fishing for ideas if all the ideas are on a free vending machine? I'm losing my mind, and there is not enough literature about this topic. ● robert Greene's mastery: I tried Robert Greene's perspective. I've read Frames of Mind, which is, by the way, rubbish according to science. I tried to search for the signs and get back to my childhood only to find myself mystified and stuck in a maze. Between love of cartoons, music, technology, and history, this led me to think that the self-help industry is very flawed, and BS is everywhere. And the idea of the life task in itself is a delusion. There is no such thing as you are meant to accomplish only one thing. I believe in aspiring to something, then achieving it, no matter what type of intelligence you have. And the best piece of advice I took from self-help is from "So Good They Can't Ignore You": "Don't follow your passion." Well, now I've transitioned into e-commerce, and my goal is financial freedom. As toxic as it is to follow money, it's not as toxic as a life of weakness and poverty that is led by intuition and passion.

@mr_engineer I can see you have a good point, I will indeed continue barbering, but at the same time my aim would be to satisfy my curiosity, I'll keep experimenting things , because it's not easy for me to drop writing I compare quitting writing as quitting an addiction it comes hard to me even tho I struggle to write for 10 minutes I'm still having hope that this struggle is caused by my lack of the English language skills I'm still b2 level and my lack of knowledge of other genres and structure and plot, I just can't stop thinking about it , you are right it's building castles in the air but I can't stop doing it I'm attached to it, that's why I'm trying to force myself even tho I hate the process I like alot of things about it not just Fame and Recognition it's the idea that when I get a great thought I can do something with it the freedom I get from it, it's what I've been looking for for a decade because for me it’s something meaningful. I heard a tedtalk recently the guy was talking about how much he hates writing yet his job is a writer, why? Because of its benefits and the small moments of joy you get while writing here is the link:

@Ulax thanks, I'll give it a read.

@mr_engineer I'm a barber and I'm about to get into ecommerce, I don't hate both but I think it's meaningless work for me, i can do better.

In my entire life, I've never faced an obstacle as hard as this one, I ask myself what is the thing that I'm going to dedicate the rest of my life to? Then i get lost in Fantasy land without reaching any worthy conclusion, is it writing ? Well I kind of like reading, books I liked are 1984, the catcher in the rye, 12 rules for life.... But i can't write for more than 1 hour,and I feel that words aren't enough from the perspective of emotional impact, the aesthetics for me they mean alot, but i can't stop talking about the importance of the story being told by those visuals, and for me I usually enjoy existential things I'm really into answering questions about the universe creation, the mysteries of the self, are we living in a dream, I can't stop talking about how surrealism hunts my thoughts, I also like art that I relate to that expresses a familiar experience that I had, or an emotion that I can't express when I see someone express it, I feel relief, i gravitate towards historical art like about the medieval era and especially Religious mythological stuff and if it's visual and with sound i can't be more happy, i like spiritual and Religious topics meditation is one of the things i do daily, and i find myself waching Religious debates because of how fascinating and important they are to me, one video i keep repeating is called "the story of religions by sherif gaber" one of my top favorite youtubers, but can you see the pattern here? This is what i want to make art that is visual preferably with sound and it must be existential and historical especially medieval and Psycological and has storytelling (words), so now i hit the wall of reality, in order to do this you must become a director and a screenwriter or the cheaper option wich is comic artist or mangaka or even the cheapest one a novelist, i don't see how am i going to be the next david lynch especially in this piece of land called Algeria, i don't have the time to be a comic artist (i need to work full-time)or i'll die , a writer i can because i have my spare time that is somewhat enough. These are the things that i gravitate towards but i don't think i like the process of writing, writing is very heavy and hard for me, one time i forced myself to write for 4 hours i finished them with tears, i felt real pain, its like going through torture, this one thing destroyed all my faith in finding my life purpose, because how come i gravitate towards fiction and art so much i think about it all day, but i can't sit down to write, i suggest because im simply Romanticizing it, i'm stuck in the abstract, i like doing those things even somtimes i enjoy writing but it feels like a normal experience, i don't feel full of life when im making a film i feel its very good but it's not the complete thing i can do. What am i good at, well i don't think this question defines what i love bcs im good at photoshop, drawing illustrations, but i haven't done them in years, i don't see anything else that am good at, some people say my writing in Arabic is good, others say im good at computers, others say im a deep person as a compliment, i recive alot of compliments when im talking about reasoning and religion i get called smart, i don't know what else, but i think i haven't figured it out. I read alot of books i like" To Kill a Mockingbird" alot, i was impressed by crime and punishment. I don't think I've mentioned it all but i'm intrested to hear other thoughts from you. And thanks for this opportunity to talk to like minded people.