Paradoxed

That's not how to use psychedelics. You should just leave her alone bro. Im gunna call the cops

UMBC is a great school with a nice campus.

I didn't say those experiences wouldn't carry emotional weight. Just because life isn't catering specifically to me doesn't mean it isn't infinitely beautiful and amazing. The universe is perfect in its intelligent design despite my suffering. The grief we feel when losing loved ones is selfish, because you want for that person to still be here with you. Of course that grief reflects the love you shared, but that doesn't make it not selfish. The best course of action would be to accept what you can't change, and allow yourself to feel those emotions.

My mom is dead already. And I didn't say I wouldn't cry if something like that happened. I would cry, in that moment life would not be beautiful for me. Of course I would be upset at that situation, because I am a human with an ego who's top priority is survival. Does that mean life is not beautiful, just because it is not beautiful for me in that moment? Just because things aren't going my way? Just because life is not exactly how I curated it and manipulated it to be and I couldn't keep myself safe? You know what wouldn't help in that situation? Crying like a nine-year-old girl. Sure we would all do it, but that's actually not going to help you. What would help? Acceptance. Accept that you are in that situation and doing your best to work with it. There will be moments like this in your life, horrific situations you just have to accept. You can present hypotheticals all day about horrifying situations and how we would all feel bad in them. My point is that there is truth outside of your emotional human perspective that you can't see. Nobody said life is going to be pure unadulterated bliss from start to finish.

I would take a step back from both options and really assess what you can imagine yourself doing, then see what degree you'd want in order to facilitate that. This "If I can't become an engineer I'm going to kill myself" thing doesn't make any sense. If it was right for you, you would be able to pass that class, especially if you took it 3 times. And it doesn't get easier after passing calculus I I'm sure. After 10 years of having a pretty successful career, I decided to ditch it and go to school to become a medical laboratory technologist. It's a two year program. I see myself working in labs, I find that environment interesting, so I worked backwards from that. "What would I need to make that happen?" was a question I asked myself. I can see building a bigger career after getting some lab experience and finishing out a BS if I choose to. But I'm not putting extra pressure on myself. You need to stop freaking out and just take a second to figure out what life wants for you. You will change your path in life many times. When you think about your path and it gives you anxiety and you feel like a failure it's probably because you are forcing something or lying to yourself. When things don't seem stressful and you are not forcing that's probably a good sign. Also, just because you can't pass a class doesn't mean you will never understand high level math/science, you can study on your own and prove to yourself you can learn it. Sometimes the rigid fast paced schedule of school is what does your head in. So there is no need to feel like such a failure. Please don't kill yourself.

True, even if it feels like you would stop breathing you probably wouldn't.

I think this is common with 5meo, I would say you could stop breathing potentially. People do go blue and stop breathing and facilitators remind people to breathe so just be aware it can happen. You also hear about yogis not breathing for long periods of time, like with Kriya yoga.

Those things are only upsetting from your selfish biased human perspective. I have lost loved ones, some of them to cancer. You are framing these situations as negative because you view death as this horrible thing. Do you know it's a bad thing? No, but still you fear it because it is unknown to you. When an animal dies in the forest, is that upsetting? It's not upsetting to you because you're not that animal and don't identify with it. How about a bug getting stepped on? If you weren't a human, you wouldn't be conceptualizing reality to the degree you are, and none of this would be bothering you. Maybe suffering is a gift that will lead you somewhere if you don't fight it. Everybody and everything suffers. You just don't see the utility in it.

That's where you are but you can't realize it from your perspective.

Read Allen Carr's Easy Way

You should try regular DMT, there are many insights to have there, and you would like it. I like "dissodelics" but you should be careful with too much ketamine, it is very bad on your bladder. Go on the ketamine addiction subreddit to see for yourself. ketamine is like my favorite drug, but there is too much risk involved with prolonged use. I'm sure you are aware of this but if you aren't just be careful. People have to use urostomy pouches (bladder bags) because of damage from ket (look up bristol bladder). Ket feels so loving that it tricks you into thinking you are doing serious work on yourself while destroying your body.

Fair to who? You or me? Who decides what is fair?

5meo is really uncomfortable when you don't breakthrough. I would be careful doubling the dose, just work your way to higher doses. I've experienced the same thing with the chest, heart and throat. That may be the chakras you need to open to be able to fully let go? You may be clinging, and surrendering on other drugs is much much easier. It's hard to say, but if you do breakthrough you will feel like you are actually dying, physically and psychologically, then love and gratitude as you return. You don't need intense breakthrough doses though, and if you do be careful and work up to it. I stopped doing 5meo for now because there is too much body load and risk. Have you tried n,n-DMT?

The self prioritizes survival

The bitcoin president!