eskwire

This is probably not the sub to put this. My brother needs a kidney transplant. My parents and I will test for the best match, but the probability that it will come from me has been hanging on my mind. I feel like I have to or I'm a gigantic asshole (belief). My brother and I are very close now, mostly through personal development. We are both into it. The undercurrent is... He was cruel to me for most of my life. He just started being civil 2 years ago. He called me a fat, ugly moron most days growing up, during my formative years. This continued into my adulthood. Big brothers are supposed to toughen you up, but he was so cruel, I always thought he made me weaker by cutting to my core daily. If it is the case, I will give him my kidney, but I am angry about it because I know he would not have done the same for me. He refused to hug me goodbye when I left for college because he said it didn't matter that I was leaving. I know....expectations about the behaviors of others, forgiveness, understanding how his suffering spilled onto me... I know it, but don't feel it.

Thank all of you for sharing your thoughts. You seem to have a lot of love, and also boundaries. This is exemplary of the self-actualized life. The theme is that I need to talk to my brother. He loves me very much and I also love him. We should be able to talk. I don't know if I will be the donor, but this incident has made it clear that we need to have a conversation. If not just for the kidney, for the potential of connection. Again, thank you all for helping me through this by listening to me. Often, sunlight is the best disinfectant. There is sunlight on old issues now and that is a great opportunity. My heart was recently broken and I've been very bitter. But I can feel a new little heart, ready to grow. Thank you all. ❤

@Venus I live in the Bible Belt and have also noticed this. Not being able to see their insides is a big part of it. In Christian circles, secrecy is key. People pretend they don't drink, they aren't gay, and they aren't angry. It's part of the culture to be easy-going and forgiving. When I see their 5 divorces and junky houses, I wonder about their mental state. Seems like a lot of repression. The advice I've received about how to deal with problems from these people is to repress issues. "Don't complain, be grateful, forgiveness is just a decision." Their outlook is toward peace, but the methods to get there are so overly simplistic. They think they just decide to be peaceful because they have free will. And, in a way, they do decide to be peaceful because that's what they decide to project and enforce. That's my take on it, anyway. I found myself bewildered by this earlier, too.

@InDaZone I am right there with you. I think I am highly prone to delusion and it worries me.

You're very kind and, apparently, have love to give. I don't feel love at this time.

@Nahm Yes and no. One tool might be expression of these feelings so we can have a healing conversation. As to just throwing my ego out the window right now as the solution, I'm not there. I've had glimpses of that but it's not lasting enough to carry me through long life experiences with no fall back. It also seems to be a way to suppress things instead of dealing with them at lower stages of consciousness. It's theory and maybe a backfiring mechanism until it's real.

What's coming from me?

@Venus I read this right after I started doing 3 activities daily, consistently. I have always felt very incapable of being consistent. So, taking action that built my self-esteem, then learning about how that process was happening theoretically, was very powerful.

@Venus YES!!! I love this damn book so much. You know, two years ago, I asked my therapist what self-esteem was because I knew mine was terrible. She shrugged. I swear to god, she shrugged. Now I have a rock solid understanding of it that makes beautiful, magical sense.

Invalidation. ? I haven't worked to embrace this. Ideas? What's da plan?

Using the word "dump" means you are using other people like a journal. Use a Word doc or something for that. Talking to other people to see where your blind spots are is helpful. Of course, it's also good to have deep relationships of substance and that necessitates talking about what you're really thinking about. But dumping all your untrue thoughts and other such garbage that goes through the mind on other people is a great way to 1. push healthy people away and 2. attract mentally unhealthy people. Talk when it's appropriate and truly helpful. Don't talk when it's not. I agree with the comment that friends aren't going to be that helpful anyway. A therapist or life coach is an appropriate confidant for mental dumping, aside from your journal. Rethink what relationships are for. What is their purpose? Are they trash cans for mental garbage or something else? And how do you feel listening to people doing the same thing? I've had the same issue and have thought about this a great deal myself. Thanks for your question.

@OneTimeMan

Sometimes, when I do self-inquiry, I ask, "Kat. Why do you have such a big crush on Daniel Stern?"

@bloo First, your ego doesn't want to change, so you're backsliding after having an ego diminishing experience. Second, you have nothing to live for because you are focusing on your possessions. Gf, friends, job, meaning. Anybody who has that shit needs to understand it's temporary. Your gf could leave you tomorrow. Your friends of many years might not answer your text. And they might never talk to you again because your consciousness is rising above theirs. You could get fired after lunch. Your ideas about the world could be a cookie factory of broken dreams in a half hour. Fixating on possessions brings suffering. Oh yeah, you don't have it. How sad. Oh yeah, you have it and it's going to leave. How sad. Take action. You know what you do have every moment of every day? Opportunity. And that's it.

@Leo GuraWasting by what rubric?

@GeorgeLawson I'm very goofy and very serious. I do little voices and make odd jokes and dance and what have you. And I'm very serious. Goals, higher aspirations, and philosophical questions are always on my mind. You can do both. It's about taking your trajectory seriously while also reveling in the moment. If you set your habits up right, you should be able to have faith that your trajectory is fine, so you can chill out and enjoy the moment without constant deep thought or consternation.

@sgn Sure, it was nice to talk to you! I will check out these resources. ?

@sgn Oh! There's a book called Healing the Shame that Binds you. That may be helpful. I don't remember it perfectly, but it has some inner child work.

@sgn I know how you feel. I felt horrible about myself for most of my life and it's very painful. You can regret things from the past. We make mistakes and it would be a lie to say, "Oh yeah, I would do it exactly like that if I had another chance!" We would do things differently. That is responsibility and regret. Guilt is different. That is regret and some shame. As if you have control. You don't. The past is over. You can't change that. So, I asked if you apologized to your mother because there was clearly a hard dynamic going on there. Accepting responsibility and apologizing for your part in it is healing. But, it's not necessary for healing and moving on. I have apologized for friction in relationships before and it opened up a conversation. That's all. You can move on other ways, and feeling guilty forever doesn't help anyone. Guilt doesn't make your past better. Guilt makes the present and future worse. In fact, I have noticed that friends and boyfriends hurt me more when they felt guilty for something that went wrong in our relationship. Because they avoided me when they felt guilty. Then I felt rejected. It doesn't help. You don't need to keep feeling guilty. Keep moving forward. Once you feel less negative, you'll see less negativity in others. Remember that people spend like 99% of their time thinking about themselves, what to eat, a text from someone cute, whatever. They don't spend their day judging you. People are more so selfish than hateful hahaha. It's ok!!! It can all change. You got this.

Oh yes, my reaction to this post was colored by the little children who demanded every ounce of my attention and compassion all day, with no return on the favor. To me, these examples reflected a personality that needed more attention and validation than others. I do think some personalities have greater needs in certain departments. @sgn Yes, if that's where you're at right now, Toastmasters would be way too much! CBT is a good place to start - it involves a lot of mindfulness - but I appreciate that you don't want to waste time on therapies that aren't as effective or to-the-point. It seems like you took on two different methods for dealing with wanting to be heard - first, you got loud - then, you got quiet. Both are maladaptive reactions. Many, many, many people react in a maladaptive way, especially as children. When we react in an unhealthy way, people react back to us in unhealthy ways. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's a fact of life. You're part of a system much bigger than you of people acting and reacting - unconsciously, most of the time. Is low self-esteem a big puzzle piece in this? Leo mentions this book. I've read it and started applying the principles/exercises - it really is a *GREAT* book on the topic. As @Bodhi123 said, the opinion you have of yourself is the one of most importance. It matters more than what you think of others and more than what others think of you. From my personal experience, it is totally possible to drop all of your baggage and step into becoming the realest version of yourself. It takes time. It doesn't happen overnight, but it is totally possible! Good luck to you as you keep working. Here is a reading of the book on YouTube.

@sgn Have you considered apologizing to your mother for your behavior as a child? I'm sure all of that was painful and draining for her. Reading what you wrote made me feel worse for her than you. Have you gone to Toastmasters or anything similar to get over your fear of speaking? What's the game plan here? We are supposed to take 100% responsibility, so what's the next step? I do have compassion for your hurt sense of self. I imagine you were one of those really possessive, overbearing personalities who wants the whole world to revolve around them. That's just your psrsonality, honestly, I think. And your needs were different from others. You had more needs. More than what someone under those circumstances could give you. I have compassion for that. How do you get that much in this world? So, what's next?

@sgn I just spent the day with a lot of children. This morning, I babysat my friend's 2 home-schooled kids. This afternoon, I looked after about 40 kids in an after-school program at a karate school. Not only do people underestimate how sensitive children are, the children underestimate what a GIANT DISRESPECTUL PAIN IN THE ASS they are. This is where compassion comes in. We are all at different levels, interacting with each other. It's necessary work that you are looking at where you need some compassion for your wounds...and also where your parents who had to deal with you screaming while also working, having two other kids, and dealing with their marriage + bills, plumbing problems, getting groceries, keeping the house clean etc. I often think about children.... It takes so much effort for me to stop and explain everything and listen to every little thing they say and help them do whatever and such and so forth.... And they can't even say "thank you," accept when I say "no," or stop trying to murder each other when I ask. That deserves SO MUCH compassion. It's a Hurculean effort.

Why do you discount this? Self-discipline and hard work do make you a stronger person. It makes you Mt. Fuji in a storm, sitting firm and in tact. Instead of a crumpled up little leaf blowing in the wind...feeling like a victim to your circumstances, depressed, with nothing. That's kind of a big deal. People discount what they consider to be "cliche," but a lot of living by a lot of different people went into the making of that cliche.

Probably hard to find Russian speakers here. I know like 5 sentences in Russian. If you want Spanish, then cool. Maybe try a forum of linguists, translators, or people into Russian culture rather than the people studying the actualized.org material. Good luck!

Mindfulness: the Watcher state. Awareness: where your sentience is focused. Consciousness: the state and expanse of the mind. Yeah, that probably doesn't help without practice. ?