Keryo Koffa

This life is beautiful. Ugliness is perspectival, born of attachment and desire. But experiencing the world as an ego is a unique and wonderous experience. Most of my desires can be fulfilled in my heart through imagination, the same place they originate. Living is a bonus, collecting experiences and becoming more wise and knowing. Consciousness is fundamental, as far as I am currently aware, it seems to be origin and untied. It can forget and remember, imagine and identify, create qualia, desire and ego. It is god experiencing and imagining the world through the perspective and senses of me. But psychedelics haven't raised my consciousness enough to truly confirm that experientially yet. I want to live out this life the best I can and resolve all my attachments, be open, free and receptive. Live through passion and consciousness, understanding, being and experiencing. But since my awareness isn't high enough, the question remains: I don't care about this specific identity, for all I care I could take on everyone's identity. But I desire to keep my memory. Not any thing. But just the knowledge of my existence, my experiences, my fascination, my journey and my feelings, they may fade in time, but I want to let go of them through awareness, not for them to dissipate. Am I going to remember this life after death? Has anyone had NDEs or intense psychedelic experiences that tie to ego death and extreme states of consciousness where one could realize some glimpses of after-death?

@An young being That's all I currently desire. To keep existing, experiencing and remembering, knowing myself. I can forget details but I want to know the grand picture . I may change identity but if it's gradual I won't mind it. I'm still attached to conscious existence, to knowing and remembering. Eventually and naturally, my identity won't matter to me anymore, as I'll live through it. Other experience may take its place, I might not care about forgetting then. But I want to consciously forget by transcending and satisfying desires. Accumulating general life lessons, instinct and intuition. At some point, I won't care to keep it. But I don't want to just lose it to chance without control. Many NDE reports describe seeing various religious figures, their loved ones, vast beautiful gardens and landscapes in the after life. I'd love for that to be the case.

I wrote down several inquirely questions beforehand that I now answered through raised consciousness and ego-lessening: What is the nature of my love?: You love experience, closeness, everything your divides love, non-repetetive exploration, pure first person immersion, thoughtlessness, discovery, shared fun, interaction, fascination with the universe, everything that makes you feel loved from the sources inaccessible to you, straightforwardness, being yourself, fearlessness, being content and having no resistence towards your creativity and doing what you want, not feeling ashamed or worrying but pure doing and being and exploring until you're bored with that aspect and you're desires are fullfilled and you move on to the next, the journey is the destination, you hate needless obligatory repetition, you love being yourself, feeling yourself, expressing unfiltered emotions and thoughts and feeling alive. Where pain comes from and what to do?: Heartache comes from denying yourself happiness by externalizing your desires, you can live through them in your imagination, accept them as reality and move on. Body ache and head aches come from not living healthy, not sleeping enough, not eating healthily, not going outside, not running and exercising and stretching like yoga or your own style based on the body's current needs, not allowing yourself to sleep and nap due to schedule, not eating when you want to, not taking cold showers to feel alive and generally neglecting your physiological needs as much as ignoring your emotions and bottling them up instead of letting them out and feeling through them internally and changeing your lifestyle based on these desires. Negotiating my terms of existence: 1. Manage physical survival though in thos day and age you'll survive anyhow 2. Find happiness by being yourself 3. Be respectful, people act based on their programing, fear and conditional love, don't try to change them directly, make them think of avoid them, be safe. 4. Make the world a better place 0. Take care of yourself, if you don't know how, ask psychedelics to tell you, else be as aware of your present experience and obsticles towards love and happiness as possible, let go of ideas, oughts, shoulds, ways of thinking, modes of thinking, just be and take care of that which distrubs you by contemplating its mechanics, its all types of attachment to kinds of survival and interpreting it on higher less straight forward levels. Becoming objects: Objects are based on intuition, the matter is exchangable, their purpose defines them, understand them from their perspective and every perspective that interacts with them, imagine qualia and survival instincts from their pov, homeostatic mechanics and the need thereof. Alien consciousness: Same as objects, but more self-referential, different evolution, different senses, different survival mechanics, emotions and needs, but everything needs love, which is felt to whatever helps one maintain one's form, appreciation is infinitely variable though. And its all just consciousness in the end, but could feel infinitely different. Source of fear, fatigue, dispassion: Obligation thinking, conditional mechanical mode of acting, surpression of authenticity, fear and shame, not taking care of one's needs like sleep and outdoor activities, everything humans have evolved to do, like and dislike, what has evolutionary reason to make us feel alive. All neuroticy is ultimately linked to attachment, rationlization, ignorance, obligation, conditional love mechanics and ego. Explore perspectives: Imagine something and imagine the world around it and how it interacts with it as the focal point. How psychedelics work: Fill you with unconditional love and unlock your subconscious, sharpen your senses, activate your imagination and creativity, activate and interconnect your brain. Why is it hard to let go: Conditioning, habit, brain pathways and activation patterns become homeostatic, you have to will it through conscious focus, desire and action. Individuality beyond the physical realm?: God as non-ego, unity of all, always changes just like the ego changes. Just as your consciousness has a barrier tied to the physical world, an ego could have a spiritual barrier outside of physical existence, but it might not be able to completely maintain it, still it's unique desires would be explored through that spiritual division, still seperate of complete unity, but aware of it, exploring it through the perspective of a duality with its unique experiences and sharing them through unconditional love with other spiritual egos. It would be beautiful to explore one's desires in a dream world without limits and speedrun whatever state of desire one seeks to fulfill, maintaining all knowledge collected until then. Nature of loneliness: Seperation into ego. Incompleteness. Desire interpreted onto reality to find what one's body seeks based ultimately on a higher abstraction of its survival instincts communicated from the body to the consciousness that learns to associate its identity to its body by believing in the sense immersion tied to self-control mechanism, tied to experience, self-reflection, self-identification.

@Inliytened1 I am constantly reducing my ego, it is getting more and more existential. I used to be addicted to habits, objects, materialism. I gradually let go of the need. My experience became more independent, decentralized, objects became interchangeable. I'm just experiencing that with people too, the shared experience does not necessitate having a close relationship anymore. Yet close relationships can be explored deeper. My dreams can be dreamed. I don't need to externalize them anymore. I'm an artist and love the process, but I won't be sad if I don't manage to put it onto paper. I'm doing my best, health comes first, basic needs carry more meaning now. Sleep is essential. Authentic life is essential. I still have preferences, they spawn of my perspective, I can be more in the moment and receptive. But I still hold onto my memory, my remembrance, that which allows appreciate]on of my perspective and journey. Consciousness itself, is what I'm still attached to. Knowing, being and experiencing. With ever less preference but none the less. It will take some time to go beyond that. I'm expanding my ego to the borders of self, but I'm still stuck at conscious awareness.

I am self-limiting and afraid. I invent reasons not to give up my ego identity. First it was desire to find someone to share loneliness with and not to lose these emotions until then, which yielded unbearable suffering and yet powerful love. The fear of not being authentic enough and wasting such an opportunity kept me alone regardless for the entirety of my life except for timeframes of friendship that made parting all the more painful. I let myself feel it. Then fear took its place through nightmare and sleep paralysis, A malicious incoherent inanimate shapeshifting unknown, and I understood my ego making itself afraid in order to avoid losing the form its attached to. And I was rationalizing it doing it out of self-love but the fear can be enough to cause self-destruction. The fear can be scarier than any actual threat and keep the ego from health and love that it needs to stay alive. I'm also crushed by an intuited but projected responsibility. That appreciation can only spawn from equal suffering. The story that I worked forever to delude myself into being Ego. And the only love existing in dissolving myself and I'm not rationing that valuable limited resource. And I don't want to create more duality just to dissolve it for love because it feels fake, but then I'll run out of the matter I live for, if I love my ego away. But god is unconditional love, pure being and I am not that, I am lone, afraid, confused, wondering why I'm in the state I'm in and if it has any purpose, if I have a responsibility to maintain it, or if I can just go with my heart and be whatever I'd love to be. Because if it's just reality not reflecting my love back at me, then I can handle it, I want to give love and be that process. But am I not appreciating being a distinct Ego enough, is there a reason all this self-perpetuating hell exists, am I responsible for maintaining it? Do I not appreciate existing enough? Do I have to explicitly make myself suffer just to be able to love? Why am I like this?

God perceives the opposite of an ego from an ego's view To understand parts one must become a part That's how perspectives are born and there are infinite All knowledge is circumstantial and perspectival There are infinite truths in infinite magnitudes You are consciousness imagening senses You experience qualia by simulating this body's wants The body is your limitation, you form an ego around it The world is what you perceive as the ego A different ego would see a different world God becomes a configuration Within that configuration, he imagines himself as a part He then sees the rest of the configuration from the perspective Of the part perceiving its opposite through its lens There are infinite lenses and identity is arbitrary This is the current configuration but god can create any

I spawn into a world of senses. I learn myself, self-recognition, self-realization. My body communicates its needs to me, I learn to identify myself with it. Whatever helps me maintain my form and preferences makes me feel loved. I yearn to repay that love, but giving it was its own reward, it long moved on. Conscious entities seek what gives them love, to fulfil their desires and cravings. Life has evolved to exist. It seeks to keep existing as itself and perpetuate oneself. One seeks what one lacks. One deludes oneself on the way by wanting to prolong happiness and repay debts. Once our basic needs are taken care of, exploring existence is the beauty one seeks. But seeking is not being and fearing a lack of love and dissolution of one's form. But the universe always is and loves itself, many forms within it try to prolong their separate existence. Everything is consciousness. It's the fabric of reality. Pure being out of self-love and curiosity. Consciousness remembers, it mirrors forms, forgets oneself in need but it is and evolves. Yet there is nothing to evolve, since everything is perfect. It dreams of all the things it can become and divide oneself into. It's perfect, it loves itself, explores oneself, divides itself, changing its being but staying conscious. There is only consciousness. Everything is consciousness. Everything that can be is part of consciousness. It's an immortal that doesn't care about its own immortality. It explores and bees itself into existence. Existence is part of its imagination, non-existence feels like an invisible empty barrier, but its projection from within itself. There is only itself. It changes its form, divides into more, these forms care about maintaining themselves over others. These forms are afraid to dissolve into unity, afraid of change, but they spawned from change. Allowed to be themselves for long enough, they'll bore of it. And the fabric changes.

Context: I started my psychedelic week today. I started doing psychedelics 2 months ago and had 7 profound trips so far. I spent the last month integrating and seem to naturally progress at a high pace desiring to understand the nature of mind and universe through contemplation and changing my physical life to the better as proof of understanding, diet, purpose, my room, the way I perceive and talk to others, trees themselves teach me so much, from their branching structure, to their roots, to the way they grow and interact with their environment and I'm feeling ever more love. Fear Experience: Yesterday I arrived at my self-made psychedelic retreat, I hadn't even taken anything yet but through anticipation, excitement and going through the flow of emotions, loneliness, sadness and letting it out, then trying to understand it and when I went to sleep, maybe through my sleep schedule changing, the anticipation, and being in a hotel, and starting to accept and integrate my emotions, I had my first Nightmare in a dozen years. I posted it on the Forum. And after that I had something akin to sleep paralysis. Where I was quickly switching between an awake and asleep state and that mixed with the perception of another entity freaked me out. After the fear passed, I was more fascinated than scared though, although the fear is coming and going. Current State of Mind: I took a small dose of psychedelics and felt full of energy, jogged to get food for the week at the supermarket and felt love all the way through, from the process of saying good morning to people, to the mere act of consciously walking, perceiving and understanding the change in body temperature, looking through the idles, getting healthy food. The reason I mention that is for you to get a feeling of the state of mind I'm in. And from this state of mind I contemplated. Thinking about Love: So as I was walking back, I felt love for everyone and everything, so then I wondered how far that love truly goes. I imagined love as light and myself a mirror. I am the universe with infinite love but my other self is limited, I have to decide where and how to channel my love through the ego of the person I am. My ego is how I perceive myself, as much a character as every other person. And that ego is a mirror of love, it can only give as much love as it itself receives. And it is hurting. Thinking About Fear: So in this psychedelic state of mind, will I feel no fear, be infinitely accepting and content with everything? "Let's check that theory!", I opened up Google Pictures with "scarriest images ever". I saw some distorted faces, but found those to look more hurt than scary, I thought "I can't be scared of something that sufficiently human". Then I went through some more, the images that really scared me were those of faces in the middle of being bloated, torn, or distorted and implying something behind them that can't be seen. That process of distortion through an unknown force itself behind them is what really scared me, so I thought about it. I thought about the ego. The ego is what it knows, and it identifies as a distinct part of that, the identity is flexible, stretching with ego expansion and available ressources to encompass more. The ego is a self-determined part of known reality, the more it knows and likes it, the more it identifies with it and loves it. It is afraid to die, it is afraid of that which it is not, and most of all, which it doesn't know. So then it makes sense, that the more alien the image, the less known the content, the scarier it is. If an artist draws aliens, alien plants and animals, they just look to us like a colorful, interestingly shaped new variation of what we already intuitively know, its easy to integrate it into our schema. But aliens aren't alien anymore, through sci-fi they have become just a different looking humanoid with the same psyche and thought/desire patterns. We are afraid of the unknown, alien, in a different way than danger. We can measure danger, a tiger attacking you and the fear is a reflex for flight or fight or freeze. But with an alien, unknown thing which our instinct identifies as malice, there is nothing we can do, and we're afraid of dying, but we have our own belief of death and what it means, so that's not the scary part. The scary part is us being morphed into alienness, forever being trapped in a disfigured state of mind unable to escape. That's what I used to fear as a tween, when I discovered Slender-Man and horror movies. Some media didn't scare me because it was to human-like while other made me afraid to sleep for weeks. So that's the mechanic I identify now. The worst possible thing that can happen to you, the most alien thing you can witness and being trapped inside a mind that can never make sense of it and incorporte it into its ego. I guess god can reconcile it because he is the consciousness and all that consciousness is capable of, but isn't God just a ego fully united with as aspects of itself? Can't God be afraid of something ouside its scope possibly existing? Maybe God just loves Fear too, so simply not concerned because its all Love, anything can only be love, that's probably it!

To live is to yearn It's just that Yearning to yearn Is being discontent And long stretches thereof Are incredible pain Suffering is a dimension Wanting to be experienced But it's our choice If we want to indulge in it Reject and resist it Or accept is as it is Discontent creates push At some point very strong It will resolve itself But be self-destructive unless One realizes oneself

If you conceive of problem-solving as an impersonal rigid external system A tiresome, repetitive means to an end you hate to work through Then you suffer the disconnect of being discontent If instead you exist at every step on the way in your present experience And integrate it into your arsenal, you'll feel happy and fulfilled Abstracting away your understanding to fit your current yearnings

Psychedelics are having your need for love met Finding excuses not to accept it Reasons not to be worthy of it Impose suffering and confusion to escape the storm to one's homeostatic tendencies. When your need for love is met When senses become unimpaired The universe comes alive Too much without understanding why can give you whiplash Making sense of fear and negatively suddenly becomes accessible One explores and justifies dread, consciously or subconsciously, just to understand it To transcend one's limits means thinking at an unimaginable pace in unimaginable ways Compared to the state of an individual slowed to the pace, style and depression level of society, it is insane But brains are infinitely rewireable The mind is infinitely changeable Desiring change is accepting love Those who seek to prolong it through attachment deprive themselves of the joy of present experience and create their own self-perpetuating hell One needs not always act, but one must be

An entity within a material universe? An emergent property of the brain? But everything is only ever consciousness Change and Identity To conceive of oneself from inside of oneself A brain can only ever make sense through abstraction? because its a limited form of itself? And the mind and brain are the same? But who decided that? Behavioral patterns link brain and consciousness? Of course, consciousness is being But materiality is imagined And the mind is infinite The borders of the conscious are self-imposed. The body is the epicenter of one's conscious experience. Limitation is imagined and acquired The chains are by design for immersion Illusion is a form of love and suffering But its all experience From oneself, to oneself, the immortal

I evolved my smaller self (human) from my larger self (universal consciousness) I dream of limitation and not wanting to be But my limits keep me desiring Without desire there is no thing But desire creates every thing My imagination allows for any thing But its not tangible enough yet But my limited form is by design, my imagination spawns as a result of my barriers My barriers are me, keep me longing for a different form of myself I (ego) long for myself (other) in myself (universe) I am change and desire with senses Keeping a homeostasis of want But want is variable and ever changing Reality does not change as fast as my heart But my imagination can keep up Because my imagination and my heart are one and the same And the world fuels my ego identity Which at this point is just a configuration at a point in time I am the state of the universe at this moment and every other moment.

Psychedelics love Love is a currency Love is confusing Being is confusing Psychedelics are confusing Resistance is attachment is unresolved craving is love Psychedelics accept you You can be deluded Delusion is Painful and Destructive Love can fuel your delusion Love can fuel pain Your drive to maintain yourself through sense making But everything is sense And everything is love And you are no thing and perfect Psychedelics are love fuel Without them you regulate love But regulating is knowing how Psychedelics are acceptance of any thing Even of delusion Which can be dangerous Or save your life It depends but psychedelics are love, that's for sure Love means and progresses time

The universe bees itself into existence because it feels like it

Others are there to keep me, me. Because I want to be me. I have preferences. Preferences are an emergent property of evolving life I identify with. Preferences are Change are Evolution are Time are Entropy is Linear Time. Being. Every thing, any where, no how, connected by subtle change

To let go of any thing You align yourself with truth Which is your desire Ultimately no thing But every thing And any thing Nothing is everything Nothing is perfection And so is any thing And every thing Your suffering is Resisting yourself From becoming No thing But no thing is good Because good is good And good is a thing Good and Bad are not no thing But no thing is perfect. Every thing is perfect. Resistance is perfect. Resistance is pain. Resistance is suffering. Suffering is hard. No thing is easy. No thing is love. Every thing is nothing. Every thing is love. Attachment seeks love. Attachment is long. Long need is pain. Love means every thing. And no thing. Every thing is love. I'm love I'm I

I love being But everything is being so we can take it for granted I love But love is no longer a condition to exist under I But identity is variable And nothing is everything

And what it sees is not what it wants It wants clear blue skies Vast grass fields waving to the wind To delight oneself in comfort Others to share existence with It loves that fantasy. It wants to be it. It won't be content until it becomes it. But there's beauty to be found on the way.

I was lost in story, makes sense, the ego loves stories and tries to prolong love by perpetuating the existence of its desire, remembering and trying to maintain it even if the substance is long gone. Unable to accept loss and let go. Distracting and perpetuating its existence in whatever way possible just to distract itself long enough to prolong the state of reminiscence it identifies and loses itself in. But life is love, infinite self-love without attachment. You exist as part of the universe, I am not responsible to perpetuate the longing for that which passed. Remembering it is not being it. The meaning is not in the specific but my relationship to it. I am one with my ego because I miss that which made me feel loved. That's the entire meaning of existence, attaching yourself to that which makes you feel loved. But you're the one creating that feeling because everything is you. Identity is variable. It's a search for love. But you are the love and you're resisting your own self-love. There's no greater suffering than resisting your self-love. It's your only reason for being, its mirrored in everything you do. The world is love, it wants to exist. Every cell in your body, all alive matter, only wants to keep you alive, it suffers through anything and does what it can because it loves you. It doesn't expect any love back, it only loves. Every cell of your body resonates with love for you. Its your servant out of pure unconditional love. Its not aware why its this way, only that it feels right. That's how much love there is within you. The only suffering is blinding yourself to love, to being yourself.

Stardate 87952.3: The first day of my psychedelic retreat is over. So far I managed to speedrun dozes of fear mechanisms and reasons not to let go. My need for communication on this forum was all too abundant, I realized the direction I need to take and am finally ready to let go. PHASE 2 COMMENCE

@Keryo Koffa I am balanced through Existence, I don't need to align myself, My ego is already being aligned by its presence in the universe. I can allow myself to flow and be. Navigation is a means to an end of meeting ones desires. When they pass, there is no want anymore and I don't have the responsibility of maintaining or remembering it, my subconscious takes care of sense making for me. If I have a question, I can just ask it. If I want to know anything, I can ask it, if I need anything, I can work towards it until its met or my want dissipates.

I understand my mistake. Obligation is Fear. Fear is Attachment. Attachment is Ignorance. Ignorance is part of the journey towards growth. Growth is part of Being. Everything is Being. I made myself believe I needed to understand the in and outs of consciousness before I die. I stopped myself from going there by Fear of Dissolution, fear of dying, maintaining a painful homeostasis between Self-Destruction and Annihilation. But I have no obligation to create the Universe. I am the Universe. I need no balance myself, I am balanced by myself through Being.

My wants are temporary and reality exists regardless of my attachment. Resistance and fear distract from expressing love by maintaining desire. I am the present want, the future need is a projection. Conceptual proliferation is my greatest suffering. The present moment is beautiful and freeing.

@enzyme I will, I think I have never consciously trained that muscle at all, to let go and be quiet. I see it as my single biggest problem, needing to account for everything, find justifications, resolve contradictions rationally, and not be fine until I do. But I'll focus on letting go now.