Keryo Koffa

Hitler did what he did because it was the best he could do granted what he experienced and how he made sense of it. And the same is the case for all of us and every living being. We might get restless and regret having taken some paths over others but we only did because we didn't know any better, else we'd be different. And ultimately, the only thing keeping us from god is our level of consciousness. All suffering is due to our limited sense making and perception/desire filtering aparatus that is our body, environment and the psychic forces that shape our identity and every fiber of our being. We can always do better and wrong behavior does exist, each is responsible for bettering themselves and we can grow in hindsight but the interplay between understanding, consciousness and environment determined the past to be no different than it is and didn't allow for a different possibility to exist than is currently the case. In the end, we all do our best, if it seems we don't, it's because the intensity of the internal psychic turmoil is not easily visible and the circumstances evaluated from an outsider's perspective appear different, simplified, abstracted. Everyone stuggles, everyone's deluded, everyone does their best they know how granted their perspective and everyone deserves happiness.

My experience is locked into the lens of loss and death. Many people I loved disappeared or died, I have become very isolated after a lifelong process of it repating over and over again and I exist in a state of conscious anticipation as a result. I had become unable to do much at all. On psychedelics my lenses expanded, life flowed into me, reality became spirited, mysterious, fascinating. But when it comes to that part of me, the deepest core of my heart, it now stops me from making any significant progress. I've always been one to overthink, reality was always 1000x more intense internally than externally, independent of external circumstances. And now its not even human death and pain that grips my heartstrings anymore, the empathy has expanded, I see a beautiful flower bloom and instead of appreciating it, I am saddened that it will not last and live like that forever but will wither and disappear. I see little creatures like spiders and I feel their lifeforce like it was my own, I see even non-life like a rock at a place and time in a configuration so natural and infinite that it saddens me if that configuration were to change. Life is change but change is death. If I were god, I'd make every life inside of me immortal, I'd give every single part of it the ability to chose its own configuration and fullfil every desire without limitation except for the limitation it would consciously impose upon itself. To be conscious, to live and exist and appreciate, one changes, and life must change and any change is death but to navigate, one needs to forget and remember, to see partially, to intensify certain experience over other past or future experiences held in the subconscious. Time is space. Death feels very real and its painful for me to think about it. It also feels necessary for an experience to exist and progress, to take shape and change it and form anything coherent and meaningful, if I could only see it as a change of form, if I could believe in an afterlife to not despair to the cascade of overlaying every single experience through the context of fearing to lose it, of fearing to make connections, of prematurely grieving the loss of someone and anyone I see. Through this lens, I cannot be angry at anyone and I feel instantly connected to everyone and everything independent of their character and actions, knowing that anything done is ultimately done out of love and that love eventually dies with the one who expressd it, leaving nothing but a trace memory. I feel like everything is already dead infinitely and I'm grieving the greatest love before it even has the chance to reach its peak. If I am god, or if I'm a self-contained god holon, if I am the only thing in existence or the only thing I can know, if everything is a projection of my own self, if I can eventually after the dream unravels unite with all that is inside of my experience and has been "lost" during my life, then that would contextualize my present experience as shaping my psyche and exploring meaning and experience, death would no longer feel sad in that regard. At this point I am mostly sad not for me but for the pain of others, though others might really be a projection of myself, but that does not undo their validity. Even if all of reality was a dream, I would not rest until it got a happy ending. Everyone has a different idea of what is good. I'd want everyone to be autonomous and follow their own desires in their own reality with the ability to enter all other realities simultaneously. Why am I limited? Why is there so much pain? Can god not conceive of a happier reality? Or is having a meaningful experience the ability to bear ever greater capacities of pain and empathy. Is Earth the training ground as NGEs call it? Is this experience as good as it gets? Is there a point to this experience I'm having, or do I create that point in retrospect, or was it always accounted for, or did I make myself forget having accounted for it to experience it authentically. My highs and lows are both growing, I feel like each day I'm reinvented and experienced more than I would previously have in a lifetime. My rigidity is lessening, I feel more attuned, present, after I let it out I feel better, but I keep coming back to this state over and over again.

I thought about the dreams and my past, how I formed my identity, how I navigate reality, how unconsciousness exists and the meaning I found within my past experiences. How many times I was despairing and found significance in my dreams. And how that created ambition and drive within me, shaped me in specific ways, gave me freedoms and opportunities and lessons and on a meta scale evolved me and my understanding from all the lowest lows to all the highest highs. And that I want to learn to consciously create my dreams and explore them since its a dimension far vaster and more malleable than waking experience. And I thought about my past self and his unfulfilled desires. And I want him to experience those, but I changed, "a man cannot step into the same river twice, for he is not the same man and it is not the same river", but if I recreated myself would that even be the original or a copy, that one despite being like my past self would not be me but if I were me I wouldn't remember the current me, so I couldn't fulfill my desire of fulfilling his desire, yet both must exist and be fulfilled and also hold their own integrity. But what I can do and I do not know how yet is to be the unconscious part of my past self that shapes his dreams and unconscious parts of his experience. But now I realize I might already have been that one all along without having even become it yet. I've always wondered where the unconscious is, how I can move without knowing how to move, how I can abstract and forget, how every thought and idea enters my mind seemingly at random, and especially recently on psychedelics and ketamine, how doing anything comes with a sense of inverse kinematics, that I do not consider each muscle strand in my body but perform a desired movement automatically, without being conscious of the details. And I intuit that there is a self aware of everything that has to pull the precise strings to allow all that complexity that I am unaware of. And that doesn't invalidate reality and freedom as I feel it at all. I can do what I can do and my awareness is always present focused on the ever next thing in question. In fact, this makes the experience feel less jarring. I've recently been breaking down at the concept of death and the pain of others and also have been trying to reconcile the idea of solipsism and the idea of suffering and why god would allow it. But now, if the experience is focused on me, then I can see that I am teaching myself that lesson, I am also shaping my experience, others only exist inside of my experience but they are as real to me as I am since they are aspects of myself. Every person is a potential self who walked a different road, every animal is a creature with different inclinations, every country a different lifestyle. It always seemed to me that I was born at the crossroads of time, as we are approaching technological singularity, that I got to experience a far vaster array of experiences than people of the past, that I am in the perfect place to be and experience to become the self that I am, whose viewpoint I can only appreciate by being that self that very self that I am. I picked up so much on actualized.org and I'm reconciling all these ideas and potentials and many more in my mind trying to make sense of it and it seems that the currently conscious self that writes this is a version of a vaster developing self that creates its own experience from the future, from the past and from the present simultaneously and has freedom in all these domains. If this is the case, a huge stone would be lifted of my heart. I could see that it was me all along, that no one had to suffer but myself. That I was creating myself through the negotiation of potentials and that I will not truly die but only change, so I can stop grieving and beating myself up and actually start living now.

@Breakingthewall I will be trying it soon, in the meantime, can you tell me what egolessness means? Reality is vast, psychedelics can distort even the fabric of perception, DMT reports list entities and other realms, regular ones change and expand the way one can feel, perceive, make new distinctions or dissolve old ones. It seems to me that whoever did 5-MeO didn't "stop" existing or the "actuality/reality" didn't. I know that thoughts and beliefs shape reality. I also know that in both the materialist and psychic paradigm, reality is constructed mentally. So then, what exactly does 5-MeO specifically change, does it introduce maximum clarity and knowing without warping the fabric of reality, does it make you fully in tune with the present moment without the need for present and past to take the spotlight, or show that only the present exists and it does perfectly without needing to be altered or escaped, does it intuitively convey reality as being chosen and accepted to be this way, or is it something else. I know I can't know until I do, but I can open myself up more in the meantime.

@Breakingthewall I've been experimenting with psychedelics and dissociatives lately, though I didn't get my hands on 5 meo just yet, but I'm getting there. I kept having "bad trips", it's because the truth is vast and paradoxical, I was wondering "Am I supposed to be this way or that way, neither, both, both and either and neither, a balance, which balance, is balance balanced, this balance or that balance, or a balance of the balance. I also had to go out and get some practical experiences, get my life together, since it was and still is a bottleneck. Can't have open desires and expect to be unbiased. And I'm become aware of "feeling", I used to be very rigid and mechanical, but with feeling its like my subconscious handles all the infinite complexity and I might not know exactly how it does it but reality is infinite so I'd never have enough time to figure it out step by step and in truth steps don't exist really and are really just a simplification and conceptualization of feeling, there is a chain, like the branches of a tree and if thought is a branch, then feeling is the stem, encompassing all the possible branches simultaneously, formless, like infinity encompasses all numbers, you can see numbers and build an intuition, but counting to infinity doesn't end, you just have to abstract, but you can understand all of it simultaneously as the concept itself. After I dealt with some real life problems and I still have many, my trips, mood and motivation skyrocketed, before I felt like everything was futile, massive ego backlashes and fatigue, now I'm making progress, I'm remembering my past trips which somehow escaped my memory despite being profound and invigorating, I'm glad I recorded them. I've had three double-heroic doses up to now and they all resulted in a state of confused amnesia, where I felt I'm failing, incapable of doing anything, not enough energy to even move and can only see a singular frame at a time and only hardly make associations, like it's all condensed to a circle within a frame, and I can imaging two or three circles at once on a black background or them merge into each other or with the frame but not much else than that, or think one concept at a time, or see my surrounding and think like a kid would, I see my computer and think "what is it made of?", I answer metal but it doesn't mean anything, I just "feel" that its hard and rigid and technology but its an instinctive reaction and technology just feels simple, like a singular vibe. Though it seems after hitting extreme lows in my mood, self-esteem and feeling like I'll never be able to deal with life or do anything worthwhile, on the next day, I bounce back to hype motivation and can integrate and progress tenfold, and I'm even adjusting to that pattern itself so when I trip again, I actually have confidence, because I know what is to come and that all these doubts are an arbitrary mind game and I am able to keep that awareness all the way through and not get lost but actually focus and discover how reality feels and changes in the new state of awareness.

@Breakingthewall What you're telling me is equivalent to: But that's actually pretty charitable since I can use tons of different circles to match an owl if I got that reference but the problem is that I'm at step 1 and there is no reference, I don't know what an owl is, yet I'm supposed to draw one and all I know is that circles will get me there. If you tell me to look at a fractal and tell you what it makes me feel, I'd tell you it reminds more of mirrors, it's infinite, the colors or qualia is mind-blowing, it has interesting properties that I can describe like "as above so below", phenomena repeating but in unique ways, that it can warp and change in fascinating ways I haven't experienced in the reality I'm usually accustomed to, that even the idea of a fractal feels so alien, that it gave me an insight about things existing outside my awareness, or remind me of a black swan event, that I am limited by what I know and unimaginable things exist that I didn't experience that I can only know in retrospect after it enters my experience over which I don't appear to have any control except for receptiveness which really just ups my chances of not missing something and so on and so on. That feelings compared to thoughts are extremely complex, that they are like inverse kinematics that forward kinematics (thoughts, science, ideas, philosophies, behaviors) are modelled after. That on psychedelics I feel like inverse kinematics, I don't move each joint at a time, but all of it together subconsciously, that I was always able to do that, to do without thought, that maybe that's infinity, and thought is narrowing it down and getting tied up in the limitation later believed to be real.

@Breakingthewall If it was this easy, I'd already be there. Here: "I let all ideas and beliefs fall for the next 5 minutes". Nothing happened, I wasn't sure if to focus on nothing, stare into the void, be present, see objects, not see objects, I still hear the wind, I still see things, if I close my eyes, I see dark, if I try to unfocus I feel my heart pulsating, ears ringing quietly, if I dissolve all concepts, I still feel phenomena and stuff, distinct something even if without category, I can imagine how everything connects in a million ways, I can change borders of what things are, I can chose not to make distinctions at all. My experience doesn't change though my interpretation does, on psychedelics reality can expand or contract or both, inverse kinematics. But I don't change dimensions, though I do get amnesia at hyper-doses, personality, feelings and context change. But I have absolutely no idea what "letting go of the mind" actually means, it's like telling me to teleport to "Gnarkohh" and neither do I know how to teleport nor do I know what the name or place is supposed to be. I can open myself up to things but what else am I supposed to do to "let my mind fall", nothing? Well, how do I do that, or not do it or experience it or unexperience it?

@Breakingthewall It sure feels like understanding is the epicenter of a metamorphic universe, as I try to understand, or that understanding bubble expands, so do the boundaries and scale of the universe due to divisions. But I had another large trip today and it had a similar effect to two previous ones where I tried hyper-heroic doses: amnesia, confusion, overwhelmed and scared, unable to move, I've been struggling with immense ego-backlash lately, though it also led to great growth. But I don't hallucinate as I expect of reports, though tree branches merge into a fractal space and it seems like I can somewhat look through objects or at least intuit what's behind them through broad awareness of light reflection. But while I have expanded my understanding of the world greatly and made sense of many things on sub-heroic doses, on post-heroic I am just fatigued and confused, but reality doesn't warp as much as others describe it, nor do I enter DMT-type realms, though I've only tried DPT. It feels like I don't allow myself to hallucinate away even if I want to explore the depths of the formless psyche. My intuition did many times tell me about what you describe, to dissolve into nothingness, at those times I wanted nothing more than to resist it, but my fascination did lead me to repeat these encounters. I can see how there's no room for duality if one is to realize the united nature of reality, it's still difficult for me to get though. Though I do bypass many filters that I previously had, yet I'm inclined to put them on time and time again, like a sine wave, but I feel like I'm becoming more at peace with accepting reality no matter what way it is, though I still have lots of karma to burn.

@Razard86 @Breakingthewall Sorry, it's a bad habit I have to overcome. Every time I have a psychedelic trip I realize a new perspective that recontextualizes reality in a way that feels very profound and I feel like I have to write it down because I usually lose the feeling in the base state and am not as convinced anymore, it frankly feels quite embarrassing how indulged I am when in the middle of it. Basically, it's a mental model/perspective of the relation between current personal conscious experience and the concept of a godhead or the nature of the universe at large. It's me trying to conceptualize how creation and ego work and where experience and insights come from. It's an idea about synchronicities and how unique qualia/experiences/insight arise in direct experience in response to realizing broader patterns from the overarching reality. That the inside of the mind (imagination) corresponds to the outside (experience) and exists at both places simultaneously and there's an input lag between something already existing externally and becoming known internally by virtue of the unknown (unexperienced externally perceived world) entering conscious experience and intuitively becoming part of it. So then the universe exists before it is known and slowly becomes more conscious, known and perceived as ego expands. So the unexperienced physical universe is basically corresponds to the unconscious mind space. So in other words, the universe creates all the vast amount of experiences which the ego then experiences, and the ego might want to feel original by inventing something itself but it's a top down process, and the unconscious is materialized and observed unconsciously externally before it becomes conscious. This might seem very trivial, but it felt very profound to me, as I still had materialist inclinations, but with this I found it much easier to identify with the universe at large by seeing it as an extension of my own ego which I still feel to be a human experience due to the perspective but now I can see that the entire universe is really just my unconscious mind, experience which I am infinitely interconnected with and created of, and being able to relate to the "physical" universe that way really shifted my perspective of self, which I used to see more as a localized bubble before, one which is a black box connected to sense organs, but now that barrier has encompassed the entirety of existence, and that just really shook me up. Sorry for the long post, I know there are infinite perspectives and they're all relative and biased but this recontextualization meant a lot for my perception of the world.

It's almost like the universe materializes all I'd like to experience outside of myself so there's nothing for me to do, yet as a kid though I always was extrememly introspective, I used to be more involved, that felt good. If I tie myself down to anything, I feel less, but if I don't I feel I stagnate. I feel tied down by the reality that materialized, like it carries its own momentum and its alot though that mental belief might be overcome

The physical universe is a manifestation of my subconscious exapnding in infinite dimensions and I'm the epicenter that is self-reflexively created as a median average ego persona which I've been believing in and letting itself unfold for as long as I remember. Whatever thoughts come to me can only come because I've become aware of them through my environment and self-understanding which was given form to in far greater terms to let evolve without bias in order to form all the possibilities from which I can choose. All of it simultaneously from the present into the past and the future since all there is, is my level of understanding. As above, so below, my will materializes itself long before I make sense of it as an organism but I am simultaneously aware as the universe of the origin of my desire that materializes everything. So now I understand why it's so hard to live with certain beliefs. My originality is something I've been trying to compete with, I'm competing with myself in god form and feeling bad about my art not matching the greater reality that spawned it. I'm trying to shut myself down from external reality to look within and dull out externalities but the universe is my open mind self-expanding. The probabilities I focus on as the epicenter of it all will always bring it all into reality, so I can really just let it all happen and do things out of love and joy because whatever emotions I focus on is exactly what will materialize in reality, so I want to explore that all deeper now.

So this human form is a way to experience that self-exploration but actually I'm the entire universe that spawns from my psychic self-exploration.

The Truth of Belief. Reality is exactly what I believe it to be, materializing itself in all the forms that include the doubts, counters, synergies, others on a universal scale with me as an ego at the epicenter, the configuration of the universe is ego-dependent. This intelligence is much more efficient and way higher than my thoughts, they're materialized seamlessly without me ever having realized it.

Imagine being god, then creating a reasonably seeming universe for life to exist in, and then creating all the fear mechanisms to keep it attached to its identity, in order not to dissolve back into you, but on the way, that lifeform doesn't appreciate that anymore because it feels disconnected and cannot see that the pain is literally the same thing that keeps it existing. And as it pulls on the string of identity to understand itself and solve its problems, it realizes it's just you and now its trying to cover its tracks being ever so grateful for its renowned sense of existence and its appreciation, you want to dissolve into ignorance in how you create the coherent stream of qualia that you interpret yourself across as the limits of your own being keeping themselves alive by distinction and boundries.

This time I'm reminded of the Buddhist path or as Yoda would say: "Let go of everything you fear to lose" but then also pull the carpet of "letting go of needing to let go" from under you. "Before enlightenment: chop wood, carry water, after enlightenment: chop wood, carry water". I really don't wanna leave my identity/thoughts/ideas/emotions behind because its kinda scary how impersonal and "sterile" reality seems without them, like a random simulation, or even a material world without a consciousness to perceive it. But to understand anything at all, you have to transcend the system that encompasses a duality and impersonally observe what is happening without judgement, and that will dissolve a lot of previously comfortable dogma. It also encompasses the ability of accepting ideas regardless of whether they're true or not. For example, I'd like to continue existing in some shape or form after death, whether as god realized, reincarnated, as an astral form or whatever. But all of these are concepts and I can only speculate on observations, metaphors and wishful thinking. So I keep imagining a Buddhist master asking me why I would need certain ideas to be true. And oftentimes, I don't want to think about it because I'm scared of losing something, and I do, but at the same time as far as I know, I'd lose it anyway at death and questioning and expanding my consciousness doesn't really take anything away from me, as much as it dissolves the barriers within me. The contents still exist and are liberated because of it to take any other shape and form and I am always able to come back. But to truly accept and entertain the notion of taking a look outside the paradigm that includes something I'm attached to, it feel like jumping off a minor cliff. It's like the idea that if I mastered everything, I could do anything, but maybe no specific thing would be worthwhile to do anymore. Like I won't be able to realize my desires because my ego holds me back but if I let go of the ego, the desire might dissipate. Though that might really just reveal the truth. I am getting more optimistic though at allowing this process to happen. My awareness bubble of senses/feelings/thoughts is but a small subset of reality and possible experience, and although I try to solve all my problems from inside of it, I always end up at the mercy of the grander world which I am interdependent upon. So in the end, what happens happens regardless of what I want to happen and usually for the better. My ideas are faulty due to their limitation which is by design for me to be able to exist in time and space at all. Otherwise there would be no outside to observe and interact with to ponder and wonder at, to lose myself in. Everything is infinitely interpretable, is god materializing top down, or consciousness arising bottom up, or objects interacting middle through, psychic or material, its all united and interconnected at all layers in some shape or form, does life evolve complexity to survive better, or is survival just a step in the evolution towards a beautiful expression of experience. In the end, nothing is guaranteed and everything operates on faith at some level. I just gotta have faith that doing my best reality works out and not to be too obsessed with outcomes but enjoy what is, and how exactly is an infinitely complex question that nobody could live if they kept thinking about it to infinite detail.

@Razard86 If I read correctly consciousness and awareness are like perceiver and perceived, a transient field of infinite potential interpreting its form from within itself. And self-mastery is to bloom as a person through love and growth in the task that those are channeled through. Mastery reminds me of plants, they know what to do and how to grow and do their best to create beautiful flowers, delicious fruits and a healthy ecosystem. But they can only work with what they have and can wither away in the wrong environment, yet they don't stop trying because of it. And we are far more complex lifeforms, increasing our standards but also adaptability. But we can only grow and flower through love, else we're trapped in mechanical loops and lose the very consciousness that makes beauty beautiful. Nature teaches us to do our best out of love for ourselves because beauty is found everywhere where one's mind is open to it and an open mind leads to beautiful actions indeed.

Even in materialism, all knowable reality is contained within your personal brain's neural firing patterns, But what if we changed those? That could switch personality, experience, ideas, interpretations, locations, sensations, reality, add qualia, change thoughts, remove limitations, all the way to infinity, which is what god points to. Imagine your brain of a neural network having very specific biases and now add psychedelics and imagine more of your brain lighting up. This lighting up means more areas are interconnected and the firing is more versatile and less biased. Practically your experience becomes more real and intricate than it's ever been. Imagine ramping up that light bulb to shine brighter and brighter and brighter. Your experience amplifies, changes, alternates, synchronizes, throws you across dimensions, in and out of body. Every person you know only really exists as a construct inside your head based on experiences and feelings associated to "atom configuration" as scientists would call it. And holistically you and every other person exist in each others' mind spaces but those mind spaces are scientifically necessary for any interpretable personality to be able to exist at all. But there's clearly much more to it that that. Imagine going to DMT hyperspace and talking to some entities because you synchronized your brain waves to enhance your pattern recognition to the point that you walk back from the branch that is your body to the root of the tree that is your deeper self that you're unaware of and now you can see what's beyond your senses in these parallel dimensions that your astral form can connect to. All we see in reality are gestalts, forms that materialize through atoms but are not atoms. Fractal geometry and math contain information far beyond the scope of this universe were it as material as we interpret it. Continuity is gradual change, most basically our experience itself, the configuration of our neural network, our memories, the sense of cohesion and general awareness, hormonal balance, all saved in this body. But our true self was never material, it can't be material. Chairs don't exist materially, only atoms that are shaped like chairs do, but that's exactly the point. A chair is a chair regardless what its made of and it exists conceptually outside of material reality. And so do you. And so do I. And so does reality. Atoms are building blocks but material is not in the same dimension as the form that materializes itself through it. So you may wonder, what are these forms, gestalts, math, fractals, ideas, thoughts, feelings, memories, senses, personalities, objects and subjects that influence all of reality on a material level but themselves are not material but either a seeming emergent property or an inherent unbound materialization from beyond physical determinism? And that is an excellent question indeed. That's what I wanna find out too! Try to watch Leo's videos with this information and also look up "seth speaks audiobook" on YouTube, it will greatly enhance your perspective!

Sounds like that stark negative experience far out of your comfort zone led you to suppress a major part of yourself, which then spiraled into a loss of confidence which itself spiraled your doubting your ability to function which itself became a self-fulfilling prophecy All I can say is that you need to go back. It's like you got burned while cooking and now never want to cook ever again but that's very restrictive and mirrors itself through insecurities all around life, so you need to slowly start facing that fear again and build your way towards it

I just had a second dream and now I'm convinced they're trying to teach me something. In this one, I was attending a party, there was a line to a building and I was just let through. I went through the building, many doors, there were very few people and no party in sight, I went out, looked around the building. There were others walking by, they were giggling. I went around to another huge building, again there was no party. I met an old classmate, he was also looking and we walked together. Third huge building, still nothing. Other classmates walked by. Finally joined them, walked through rooms sat down, they started laughing. At that point I just knew it, all my intuitions came together. They were playing a game with me. On top of that I intuited the lost classmate that was walking with me was also pretending to be lost, his behavior did seem not fully authentic throughout. Then ai said they're probably live streaming me to the party for fun but then I realised there probably is no party. So then I got annoyed and woke up. And now I know they weren't real either. And the game wasn't real either. And the invitation wasn't real either. My subconscious was creating the whole scenario that my conscious self was thrust into. Though the subconscious is really just my experiences and emotions running amuck and intuitively marerializing that which bothers me because I keep thinking about it and it keeps weighing me down consciously or unconsciously. I could have simulated a nice party instead. It's an infinitely scalable intuition I now have access to. There are no parties, there are appearences and expectations of parties but parties are really just gatherings with the intention of evoking enthusiasm. And that intuition applies to every object too. Objects are gestalts, holons, appearances, perspectives. I'm inquiring again: What is real? Are senses real? Is fantasy real? Is vision real when it is devoid of objects? Can it even be? At this point, what's seems real to me fluctuates. Are some appearances more real than others? If I see the color blue, it is blue, associations are circumstantual projections but blueness itself as itself in undeniable. Not that an object is blue, not that blue is a color, not that blue is a lightwave, not that blue interacts with anything but just that it exists. Feelings exist, they can be projected which is drawing arbitrary associations, but they exist all the same as themselves devoid 1of context, though they often appear in context, but that's through association. The configuration of all phenomena id infinitely rewirable through associations and they create their own holons through context, context is a holon, a perspective but existence is fundamental for experience. Experience is exitence. Though the word experience points at an experiencer, but it's really just divisable existence. Now that I got that out of my system, I'll go back to meditating

I looked at myself in the mirror in my room, there was a light bruise across the side of my forehead, I didn't mind it. But then I saw a small a thirld eye, but it wasn't in the center, it was at the side of my head. I thought it might not be another eye but an opening to my right eye from the side, but it had a pupil as well and when I was opening and closing my right eye, that one opened and closed as well. I was trying to close and open my eyes to see if I can see through that one as well, but if so I, I could only make out vague colors. I accidently put my finger inside of it, I was afraid I might have damaged it. Then I noticed it was hollow. But then I noticed that wasn't the same spot. It was below, that hole was below the side of my cheek bone, I put my finger inside my mouth towards that place from inside my mouth and I could pass my finger through that hole. But then I went back to looking at the half as big third eye at the side plane of my head slightly above my right eye, the eyeball was okay but it seemed verly loose and was moving to the inside and outside, I wasn't sure if it was still attached. I tried to lightly touch it to see if its stable, but it turned into mush, that felt unfortunate, I had been rather eager to integrate it. I looked into the corridor mirror and saw my whole face had turned into distorted flesh without eyes but overgrown with large spots of just open red flesh misformed beyond recognition. My mom came out of the kitchen and she was shocked, trying to help but no idea how. I was kinda surprised she didn't scream her guts out. At that point I briefly saw my face in a vision from the outside. It was covered in endless eyes, there was no space for skin or flesh anymore. Then it was switching between eyes and no eyes and my vision froze and into a glitched image. Nothing happened, I intuitively closed and opened my eyes, nothing happened, I intuited it was probably a dream and blinked but nothing, then I moved and noticed I was awake, there was just an afterimage in my sight interpreted onto the wall before me as I was lying in my bed in the dark after waking up. Just after waking, I was scared but now I'm more intrigued, even while dreaming that face, it felt fine because my vision didn't fade and even after it did, I felt conscious even if I was frozen in a glitched image. I was conscious throughout, so that kindof made it feel alright even if the contents were trippy. Wanna interpret?

If god is perfect, why does ego exist? One can interpret billions of reasons: Maybe its imperfect which is a part of infinite perfection or maybe it's inherently perfect. From the ego's perspective, the world is imperfect. Ego is homeostatic but adaptable and mortal, a vessel for experience and perspective. God, as often described on the forum is reality devoid of interpretation, but that's senses devoid of intent and character. If that's truly god, then god is missing interpretive qualities. And then god would be lacking imagination. But everything at all times exists inside of God. God spawns all forms and perceives them inside of itself. Is God conscious or self-aware? Consciousness is inherent but self-awareness is relative. It's tricky because experience and being are not the same, for the human at least. If I perceive something, I have an idea of it and a picture inside my mind that exist independently of the reality that I have contextualized through my lens. I can study an object from multiple lenses, observe its properties in relation to its environment, I can do that holistically. But if God tries to self-reflect, or if I do, what happens is that the self expands but I never stop being me as God never stops being God. All that I imagine is already inside of myself including myself and that applies to God also. Imagination is part of god and so is the reality generated independently to experience through infinite lenses or by itself also. Ego can constrict reality but it can also flow, ego is adaptable and generates ideas and concepts. Ego can self-reflect and understand itself and the world, for every bad quality there is a good one. Ego evolves. Ego can be good or bad and it judges itself, it can get stuck or move with compassion but both are dualities and interpretations. This forum gives me conflicting opinions on God. On one hand its everything, on the other hand it excludes imagination. I can understand the infinite variability and arbitrariness of imagination but that is a lens inherent to reality, same as a survival drive and both exist within God. Ego is a filter, maybe God is unfiltered, but the filter creates form out of noise, without a filter there is infinite noise not meaning anything but the filter gives it meaning, ultimately its meaningless but meaning exists and is felt by the ego which then takes it on as a lens. Meaning is as imaginary as the floor, though one can further project meaning onto the floor. Feelings exist independently though they can also be projected onto another. The ego builds bridges between concepts it has interpreted into reality and tries to understand the feelings that are inherent to it through the context of all of reality. That reality exists independently but without lenses its just noise. Though by opening up, new lenses can be acquired, for infinity. It's all equally arbitrary but there seems to be a consistency to it as well. The ego prevents itself from going crazy though going crazy is a result of the fear it interprets into reality, the ego encapsulates itself. In conclusion: I am confusion

@Anonman90 How do I stop dreaming?

I overdosed on 75g of truffles. I'm fine but I died. Existence is hard. Consciousness is beautiful for its own sake. I'm humble and fake. Need others but am others. MUST BE FINE but am Fineness itself. Balance. Young, old, every person, all shapes, psychedelics are power and danger. I created my parents but they're real. Leo was a useful parasocial illusion to point at infinity in self. I'm attached to existence and that's a good thing but relative and selfish which is also fine but not, I just have to suspend my disbelief and be instead, I'm attached to awareness and form. You are me but not, I take care of myself and hurt myself unconsciously to create meaning but its just as much an illusion as all else. I'm stuck but being stuck is just another form of nothing and it really doesn't matter. I'll take care of myself until I die naturally, craving immortality and death in the process, all simultaneously. Please humble me!

Today I pretended to be blind and navigated my surroundings. I was trying to explain sight but I was biased with afterimages. I realized I had to understand the other senses first, I realized how little I know them. I was mostly using touch, it's an intensity, I can also distinguish hot and cold, something that feels like texture, sound etc. that all come together to contextualize and remember a specific experience. I had a tremendous 300ug LSD trip two days ago, for brief periods in the forest when humming at different frequencies, tree branches aligned themselves into a sort of uniform fractal space, the branches themselves looked like weird loops and were forming an endlessly repeating structure. For brief moments of intensified humming I could make out what looked like DMT like entities, but it took immense focus and I lost the images with my breath. I needed to refocus every time and eventually gave up. When hyperfocused ahead, I saw huge skylines in my periphery vision but the disappeared as soon as I wanted to look at them directly. Today I was staring holes into the ceiling trying to reinterpret patterns into entities and new geometries but it didn't work. I was doing half an hour of guided breathwork but that only sharpened my senses. And now after depriving myself of sight, the alienness of experience leads me to inquiry. What am I? What is this? What are senses? How would one create senses? How do I describe senses with other senses? How do I reconcile seeing myself from an outsiders perspective while myself being immersed only in non-visual senses. I'm prior to existence but I become me through existence. It's like I evolved the universe including myself into existence by sheer force of will. What I will, I can choose to manifest within the confines that I am myself inside of, but the purest energy of that which I desire comes from outside the universe or inside of myself, it already exists in its purest form prior to attempts at manifestation and sense making. It's a life force that generates and wraps itself in material but it's not the material, it's a gestalt, it comes prior, it uses material but it's not material, it's mental. If a tree falls in a forest, and there’s no one around to hear it, does it make a sound? The tree doesn't exist without someone to perceive it but once there is someone, it can exist outside their view. My "DNA" exists prior to me, all that it is and can express exists independently of whether it materialized a being that can then retroactively make sense of it. Senses come and go, they're interfacing with a reality. Dreams and imagination seem like an emergent property, a higher holistic overlay on top of actual reality but they also come prior and are reality itself. Desire wills itself into existence. It takes different forms. Concepts only exist within their own domain but they reference something within another. God is a concept but also a context, a way to see reality. But there is no difference between god and ego, ego is just a form within god, everything is. Ego is a barrier, a dam, a river and god is the entire ocean. Ego filters experience. God is all possible experience unfiltered simultaneously forever. If I eat something, I will taste that until it goes away. If I listen, I will hear sound appear and disappear. If I focus at the ceiling long enough, it will fade. If I touch something, I'll feel an intensity, but its contrast so it will fade. The body feels like a mental interface materializing itself into existence with specific self-evolving learning capacities through "physical" structures. Reality isn't real but it does exists. There seems to be consistency but it's all only ever within experience, and yet experience can be expanded and changed, only because there is more outside of it that one is unaware of because of filtering it. But it all has a structure that comes prior that knowing itself. Evolution evolves hands and sight long before entities retroactively identify them as such and try to grasp their structure and capacities. There is a greater infinite unfiltered mental reality which from an ego's perspective flows into it through random seeming feelings, drives and desires. Within a system, the ego learns to navigate and understand it, to project feelings and desires onto it, but they are prior. "Reality" is prior to senses. Senses link to the brain to feed it consistent stimuli but the brain interprets and imagines the stimuli as images, sounds, sensations. It already has that capacity, consciousness comes prior to memory. The brain is an interpretation of physical seeming matter but the gestalt that materializes itself through all of that comes prior regardless of its own self-awareness. Trees are a gestalt, people are a gestalt, cars are a gestalt. You could view it materialistically as just matter and its correct but it would miss the conscious will that materializes and identifies these forms. Objects exist as objects, matter exists as matter, we can interpret matter into objects and objects into matter but objects are gestalts and matter is a resource. So trees aren't real, the sky isn't real, I am not real, but with unfiltered perception its all just noise, infinite random noise. Because filtering itself is what forms form inside of noise. Creates a structure to filter noise or emerges of the noise depending on the perspective, it's all simultaneous. So reality is real, as real as it is unreal, but senses and feelings reinforce themselves, survival drive reinforces senses, reinforces body homeostasis, reinforces ego. Ego is a means of making god self-aware and holistic, because otherwise god is just a black box. Or is god already self-aware? Ego spawns perspectives and interpretations, do these already exist within god? Else ego would be an evolution of god that then merges at death into itself to become more whole than before adding all its unique perspectives and senses into the mix. Anything that isn't present is imaginary, but the present itself is imaginary.

@Davino Since you've asked how I've been doing, I must say: Nice synchronicity! I had a major 300ug LSD trip today. It's so much... I started where the last trip left off, disorientated and overwhelmed, but this time I regained self-awareness after just minutes and was already letting go and learning. I learned to regulate my mood and hormones through periodically drinking what I like to call "one calibrated thermostatic unit of perfectly vibrating water at peak efficiency" (a glass of tap water). I went to the supermarket, which felt very dangerous due to the disconnect between senses and reality. I was hearing and seeing things offset in time lagging. As I crossed the street and started to jog, fear kicked in as I was getting further away, I had to accept that fear and continuously reinvent my sense making and identity as I was running, I had far lesser access to grounding myself, I had to create a geo-centric perspective to navigate around. At the same time, I felt the air inside me as me, so I was continuously dying in each breath. When I finally arrived, I was getting highly distracted by the smells and sounds and looks and when I saw the sweets section, I thought of it like what if I turned on all the receptors that these would usually target without having to even eat any of it. But I was getting lost and needed out before I lost the unified sense of self that I was barely scrambling by. I ended up buying mushrooms, though they really look life mutilated corpses really, it fascinated me how these living organisms are dissected inside a plastic wrapper. What you normally just see as cut up regular champignons etc. I later explored the whole micro and macrocosm of life and how I'm made of every lifeform inside my gut and also energetically regulating the structure that encompasses it. By eating fresh food, I make its microorganisms part of my being. I want to cultivate that. On the way back, I discovered an amazingly fantastic meadow at full sunlight, I learned how to "Ouhhmmmmm" and tune into different frequencies with my voice vibrations and for short times while in peak sound resonance, all the branches aligned into weird 4D like building blocks that were somewhat molecule shaped, or at least how I remember that from chemistry. And at particularly focused moments I could not only turn the branches into a fractal background but see something similar to an entity in the foreground. But I could only see that sort of geometric arch like creature for a short time because I'd have to redo all the voice work when I ran out of breath. On the way back through the forest, I resonated my voice into different frequencies and when staring without averting my gaze, I saw huge structures that were mushroom shaped across the horizon skyline, like alien cities but it took immense focus and disappeared as soon as I wanted to look at it directly, it was only ever peripheral. As I got back, I started drinking more water and drawing on my ipad and I have never drawn like this before. I am letting go more while keeping the essence. There is a structure that doesn't change but I need to change my senses to see it. I'm doing my best, I went through a billion other lessons on the way, watched some of Leo's videos with far greater insight to what he was pointing at, some alchemy and more seth material and now I'm about to sleep.