Keryo Koffa

Suffering, boom!

To gain understanding, we have to create and reconsile dualities (relationships of "Objects") Religion and the modern science enforce models of separation, analyze arbitrary phenomena in localized domains. There is no complete understanding, as one can always interpret more objects into existence. But reality is inherently fascinating, understanding is one type of our limitation we seek to explore. It's just that it won't lead to enlightenment, reconciling one's present identity might, but beyond that it's infinite.

To make the most important point short: Let go of attachment and understand reality holisitically.

We hear words from a million sources. The self recognizes a significance deep within itself beyond the conscious, but the access remains limited, one gains access via proxies. This is not the only conscious configuration. Yours is experienced as consciously as mine, but in my current state I am unable to access the self that splits into me and you and generates everything. I am not all there is, I am only what I know. What I'm aware of, a local configuration of consciousness. I do not know how I generate this field of qualia and all its rules. I am not conscious enough because I divided myself into a form that forgot, to rediscover myself. To say "I am solipsist" is the same as saying that everything has a root and that root is singular. But I is not solipsist, I is division, that without division is solipsist. Is that unitary being even conscious? There is no self to be aware of. Reality undivided. Nothing? Everything? Infinity? Formfull, formless? The Truth is immutable and level planed.

I see three important points in my adjustment. Make as much as you can out of the present momrnt. Be yourself and do you. Bear discomfort without ignoring or making yourself numb to it, including boredom. Dissolve preferences and see every moment as equally beautiful, and for what it is.

@Princess Arabia Haha, yeah my writing used to get so long, I couldn't get through it myself. I could literally have made it into encyclopedias. But my mind is quieting down, more awareness, less thinking. I noticed a shift in my baseline consciousness today. It feels like a deeper background awareness that I'm tapping into. Like a simultaneous intuitive map that puts me at ease and contextualizes present experience. Like I'm observing my current activities as a local detail, a dent inside a vast interconnected world that I learn to know and contextualize to ever more detail and perceive simultaneously and in context. It's a sense of continuity and ability to access everything I know simultaneously. In comparison, it feels like a had tunnel vision before, was stumbling through life, limiting myself through fear and expectations, rigid, clumsy, reactive, but most of all numb and unaware, fadingly conscious. Each psychedelic trip in the last 3 months shook me, I accessed more and more but was disoriented, yet I was integrating information at x1000 the pace after each trip, growing exponentially more aware and in tune with body and mind. Through this new awareness I got awoken into, I'm becoming exponentially more conscious by just being and integrating, presence. I let go of the notes I wrote over the years that were basically outsourcing my mind into reality by cues. I take it all back, tie it into a singular unity and split it into holons and understanding top, down. I'm aware of the influence of my breath, food, physical activity, temperature, focus of mind, ideas and desires. And I'm actively opening more up to be as relaxed as I can be at one moment and as energetic as possible in the other. But I'm macro-dosing tomorrow, hope to enter the fractal dimension and experience the non-physicality of this reality first hand.

My baseline awareness rises, each time surprised by how mechanical and limited my actions used to be and how much I numbed myself down since I was a child. A continuous insight is to stop imagening barriers, states, limits to break through. When I'm ready I'm ready. Just go to the next step, become the next step, stop imagening its hard, stop imagening pace. Stop imagening timeframes, expectations. Get in tune with the energy within. We are like trees, branches of branches of branches. And we dwell on singular branches, focusing on a specific one and comparing it to another, forgetting that we are an entire tree with tremendous energy through the thick stem that is the base. We grow branches all the time, and spend so much energy maintaining their form. Meanwhile, we forgot that we need to take care of the stem itself. The stem is rotting while we are trying to maintain singular leafs to be green. But its useless, green isn't good. Green absorbs energy, but it's winter and we need those ressources. The base of the tree can make any number of branches and leafs grow when it's healthy, they are not important, just one configuration, one experience, a means to an end, survival. There are many confused posts in the forum, some try to make sense of their branches, others deny their existence, causes confusion. It's not that the branches don't exist, the point is that they're an arbitrary expression of a megastructure. They're like hair, you can change your hairstyle, it's one expression, an imaginary identity aspect of the larger being behind the ego. Some say their branches are better and more important or true than other branches. Some are in fact closer to the stem, but it's all branches. We shouldn't expect those who maintain their ego to just dissolve it when you say it's "Nothing". We need to navigate out of there. Else "Nothing" will just become another leaf on top of that branch and be ever further from the base truth. Everything is valid, just local, circumstantial, localized. In the grand scheme, as part of a whole, a holon, it can be unhealthy but it's all a balance. Since it's all conceptual, let's go accelerationist itself and show through imagination what the illusion means and leads towards when fully contextualized and interpreting all of reality through it and it should dissolve itself. In essence, a mix of compassion and honesty. Maybe y'all already knew that or my model sucks. Either way, the more we contextualize everything, the more understanding there is, and understanding dissolves ego through responsibility and awareness

What is life anyway? A self-regulating form? Interpretation of complex behavior? Consciousness imagines life, death and everything. You contain everything.

@Princess Arabia Glad to hear! I'm really writing as I reason through my intuitions and discover all the connections myself in the process. You ask good questions and I try to fit those and everything I know into a singular interconnected model. My intuition tells me that unpleasantness is the lack of understanding. Because everything has a cause, happens for a reason, has a motive important enough to make one act. And those reasons might seem petty or stupid to us, but when one understands all the different states of mind, circumstances and has deep enough universal empathy, then one can understand the other side, and also another side that causes that side pain, all simultaneously, and then one seeks compromises, ways to make things work despite different desires and priorities. Because that's what the world is, different people with different opinions, all based on something. And I feel like we can abstract and project different aspects onto others well enough, to understand every behavior, even if we don't like it. I've never been in the army and at war, but I know for dear life, that it is absolutely horrific. Because I see its effects onto others, and I can see how they are just like me. And I am you as you are me. To what degree? Hard to say. Are we both conscious inside a mega-consciousness, is there someone pulling the strings? I don't know. But until I realize more I'll stick with a "Yin Yang" model. I am words that reach you. You are words that reach me. I am a vast consciousness under a shell. And so are you. It really doesn't matter if the other side is conscious or not, that's fascinating but a technicality. We are equally real or unreal. Made of the same reality. Observed and intuited by a distinct consciousness. We're both have human bodies, parents, speak the same language, there is tons of similarity. We don't have all the same experiences and that's what separates us. But if our brains configured themselves differently, we'd share the same experience. And even beyond that, we share all the same emotions, all the same views, perceptions, desires, at the root of it all we are made of the same desires. We just project them onto different things as we learned that through our experience, different names, different places, different songs, we projected and identified the same core emotions and insights with different forms within reality. And we access them differently and to different extents depending on the mood we're in and whether we're stressed or at peace. Words on a screen, or colors interpreted from light, real, imaginary, its all equally communication. Different forms, different complexities, different amounts and details. Some easier to interpret, some devoid of context. I see a part of me in you and you see a part of you in me (Yin and Yang). We see each other through our own lenses, but if we go deep enough into conversation and keep clarifying, we see what is and isn't true and what is inferred. So really, you are in a way writing this to yourself. Every word you read is an interpretation of letters which are just a contrast of light and dark. Read this as if you wrote it: Hi me, how am I doing today? Huh, why would I ask myself that, I'm me, I already know! Ah anyway, this person on the screen is really writing a lot. But if all I read is what I already know, then why can't I just learn it from myself? Hmm, okay that's a weird feeling. This place feels like a bubble, huh, I felt some deja-vu, as if I was here before. Okay! First question, what don't I understand? Let's see, well for one thing...

Every time I want to send a message or start a post, I am overcome with the feeling that I'm throwing some info out there into the world in order not to have to resolve it myself. Whether its a meditation idea, a philosophical notion, a motivated experiential drive, to write about it feels like I'm deliberately indulging in self-doubt instead of just doing it myself right here and now. I can see how from a higher perspectives that integrated lower, this role reverse and one learns from interacting with the world and seeing oneself in others, which are proxies to different aspects of oneself and interacting with oneself and helping a different self on the way, while becoming more whole. But I am on the path still, and my need for self-assertion is fading, I can see posts and others as aspects of myself more, and don't need to throw the base proxy of my own ego into the mix. I see ever more directly how much I project. I can also see how by letting go of ideas and old notions, I'm really just uniting them with the greater self, the world and the void from which I took them and attached myself onto. There's infinite things that are part of me, but I am even without any of them.

@Princess Arabia I could try to make it short but I think the long answer will add tons to your perspective to integrate. So here we go! Return of the “Semi-Awkward Mystic Autistic”: Part II: Confusion as a Lifestyle! The reality you see right here right now. It’s consistent and you see it in real time. But it’s just local signals in some brain. See it as it is, only a brain receiving signal. A dark singularity outside of reality. Filtering inputs and projecting images. Colors are arbitrary, shapes are arbitrary. It’s just visualization, it’s all in your head. Other’s are projection, you are projection. Shapes are a product of configuration. A primordial circuit drives desire. Interprets input into broad shapes. Associates shapes through context to stimuli. Infers relations through emotions to correlate them. Objects are a projection of desire onto qualia. Qualia is another word for the forms in consciousness. Brain circuits are driven by input and entropy. Entropy is what causes change, basically diffusion. Diffusion is stuff equalizing. Like hot water and cold water equalize to lukewarm. We use the pace of entropy to project time. Specificity of signals and error correcting creates consistency. The brain balances itself for homeostasis. Fear drives behavior, locks the brain into fear projection. Fear evolved due to our shape’s continuous survival ability. Certain projections correlate to survival and are integrated. This creates identity to be maintained. Different parts are declared self. Projected to be beneficial for survival. We have cheat codes. Our behavior is driven by survival. But the survival of what?. We can determine that. We “need” to survive, but what are we? We can sacrifice ourselves for others, projection of meaning. But everything is projection, an aspect of ourselves. Your body, projection. People on the forum, projection. The differences and barriers, projection. Emotions? Projection. Love? Projection Projection of what? One’s will to survive onto others. Evidence? Yes, behavior, extension of identity. Are these others conscious? Where do we get these signals from? “The void”, which may very well be equal to our perception. Though infinitely interpretable by configuration. Configuration determines emotions, projection, reality. Could we be not from that reality but a consciousness beyond?. Maybe, probably, definitely? Your eyes are made of receptors (energy). They receive light (energy). They send signals through the neural net (energy). Neurons fire and reconfigure (energy). The configuration changes form (energy). It’s all just a different form of energy. You are infinitely connected to all energy. You are just a form within it. A specific configuration. A certain interpretation. Others like you might exist out there. Having the same conscious experience. Their emotions are your projection. But we seem to be made of the same. They might have their own mind regardless. It’s just not part of your experience. Your experience includes the entire world. “You” are just as real as “anyone” else. Their suffering is equally projected as your suffering. There is no other. Everything is a shape within consciousness You might want to stop suffering. Only way to help others is to know how to stop suffering yourself. In your new perspective that accounts for all before it. You can guide others to the same realizations. But you need to know exactly what they are. And what separates them from yourself and your state of mind. But before you even get there. You might become god, dissolve reality, and love all suffering. Because it’s all just a configuration. Happy is a duality against sad. It can only exist in contrast. Meaning against nihilism. Satiation against hunger. Grateful / Ungrateful. Like / Dislike. Preference / Perfection. Division is distance. Point A is not in the same place as Point B. It’s a path, a journey. If we dissolved all Desire. We’d not exist. No need to exist. Nothing to do. No preference. No shape to attach to. Nothingness. This world is the way it is to maintain its illusion. If there was no suffering, there’d be less appreciation. Our identities would not have formed. We would not be talking right now Evolution creates forms. Forms fight for survival. Ego is suffering. Kill or be killed. We can live more happily. We already did. Consciousness was happy in some people’s once at a time. Already experienced that. You could be rich. You already are. You are every millionaire. You don’t have direct sensual experience. But your imagination fills it perfectly. You only seek what you lack. What you want is a projection. Its full nature is in your heart. You don’t need proxies in “physical reality” to project it onto. The full conditions for its fulfillment are within you. To experience it in reality is to give it depth. It’s also to perpetuate experience. To take that desire away for fulfillment to slowly dissolve it. And on the journey of dissolving it via proxies you experience happiness and fulfillment. But if it doesn’t work and you can’t have reality mirror your desires, you get sad. If you can’t have what you want, you react negatively. Because we’re attaching ourselves to arising desires. Projection of our current identity and survival agenda We are stardust, materializing as conscious human experience. We should be grateful we exist at all. That consciousness is possible at all. We forget these deeper existential wonders for illusory survival projections To love someone or something is to desire it to maintain its form and identity. We create that identity and form within us, a projection via proxy. We love that illusion but it cannot last. If it did last, we’d get bored and let go of it naturally. Because it's ephemeral, it has more meaning. We do everything not to lose it. We fear losing it. We suffer out of that conditional love. Because we want them to maintain their separate form. But ephemeral existence allows the creation of our forms in the first place. Yet even then, we have the freedom beyond the physical. We can dream, imagine, create stories out of our hearts through art. Until we fulfill the desire for that form to exist for sufficiently long and allow ourselves to move on The soldiers acted out of love, love for their country, identity, families. Other soldiers acted out “lesser more selfish love”, adrenaline, sadism, primal instincts. Ideologies are the same conditional love, to preserve some forms, some identities over others. Suffering is attachment to form, to projection, to parts of one’s identity, experience, survival. We borrowed our atoms from the earth, and we seek to keep them and for others to keep them too. We deny new life to evolve, we destroy the world for comfort, out of unconsciousness. We don't protest every day, we don’t plant trees every day, we don’t invite homeless people to our homes. We don’t even take care of ourselves, addictions, neglecting our body, emotions, cravings, denying ourselves. It’s all love, confused love, arbitrary love, projected love, sense making love, unconscious love. Love for projected aspects of our self and comfort too. We are a configuration, specific perception, specific identity, specific qualia, specific emotions, present experience. We are that in which all this happens, consciousness, solipsism, call it god if you want, pure being. Dissatisfaction is a property of confusion is a property of inner conflict is a property of ignorance is a property of preference is a property of form is a property of being is a property of | . What do we do about it? Learn to understand if one seeks to transcend suffering. Understanding resolves the regret that arises when one is kept in the dark or fear. Reconcile every perspective, they’re all mistakes on the path to enlightenment. Mistakes aren’t mistakes, just confusion, locked paradigms and unresolved conflict. We’re all in a maze, looking to find enlightenment and we don’t even know what to look for. Our proxies point us towards something that resembles “Nothing”. Of course it's confusing and we got so much unique baggage and projection. But understanding gives patience, it also shows one diminishing returns, both really and the autonomy of personal experience that can only be pointed to, simulated, to run the brain circuits and intuit what’s in between.

In Truth, reality is only ever itself. But my curiosity leads me to extrapolate it beyond experience and that insights give me weird but fascinating vibes. There are many ideas of the nature of existence. Some of an infinitely conscious god, others of an evolving field of qualia gaining awareness through us. Some say god does not interfere due to unconditional love, others say god as an all controlling puppet-master, a higher self you that creates this "dream" for you. Say there is a higher self that maintains this illusion in order for you to become whole by experiencing the world in all its ways and gather experience and insight into all its aspects to gain a sense of fulfillment and contentment. In that case, to exist is to be stupid, and learning is a candle whose length is proportional to your stupidity, that will extinguish once you transcend the desire that keeps you going and the ultimate wisdom would be to not desire. But in that absolute state of mind where nothing holds any meaning anymore, there is no life. And by continuously reaching out for ego-death and dissolution, the road of wisdom, self-betterment becoming more whole, integrating everything and seeing ever more perfect, one accelerates entropy and speedruns existence. None of it mattered but the belief that it did was its own meaning. It's the idea that there are no errors and stupidity is a feature, not a bug. That without it, there'd be no existence, that perfection is void. It's scary to my ego, it confuses my psyche, it gives me existential dread on how to live my life, it feels intuitively right, it feels really like really weird existential angst. It's like god is deliberately creating problems for us to solve, and if we don't solve them, we're miserable but if we solve them we don't exist, and stupidity is the difference. Maybe the point is conscious appreciation, that should solve everything. Not need to solve problems but the consciousness during the process.

I think the mere concept of "muddying the waters" is more harmful than any perspective. This forum is specifically meant for "radical open-mindedness". Nothing is off the table and we make sense of perspectives by reasoning through them. Not dismissing each other. It's not about us, it's about the ideas themselves. I wouldn't dismiss the ability of others being conscious right away. But I wouldn't accept it either. The truth is that we don't know. If you look at a thing, you draw associations. Memory and ideas enter your mind that didn't exist before. The unconscious is vast. We are not aware of how we created this world, just that we are a conscious experience perceiving it. Maybe consciousness is fundamental and exists within everything. Maybe consciousness splits into every human. Maybe consciousness is an infinitely fractal perspective and every configuration of matter is conscious, albeit not self-aware. The truth is, we can only know or direct experience, and even that is questionable due to its nature. All we can know is, there is at least one consciousness, the one you can confirm now. Everything else is speculation, though the different evidence might be convincing.

If you are able to exist, feed yourself, have clothes and a warm place to sleep then you are free and can be in love with the universe. Obligation is distraction. Attachment is illusory and inauthentic to your emotions and the nature of being. Love is only known to you in conditional fashion, your creativity, senses and feelings are in relation to your level of awareness, will and unobstructed action, the feeling to unconditional love to take and give unattached to any one thing but woven into the nature of experience itself only to be realized through openness and change of paradigm, mindset. Programming makes you a machine, impersonal and controlled by outside forces. The only forces controlling you are universal, they define your senses, experience and state of being. Everything else is a self-created delusion communicated by your environment in less or more direct ways all linking back to survival and assumed emotional comfort learned through correlation and behaviorism. But the mind is free, all limitations are imagined and self-imposed. Comfort and technology dull the senses, lifestyle intoxicates the body. But the body is strong and the mind is infinitely rewireable, obstacles are 99.999% mental. Preferences are an self-created illusion, being is fundamentally meaning and meaningless, everything else is a preference based on experience related to an assumed survival correlation and identified as preferable and the emotionally associated. Psychedelics make you in tune with yourself and sharpen your senses. The question is if you can handle and integrate the expansion of your senses, emotions and desires, the release of limitation, and being given free reign to reimagine and reexperience the world with ever less bliss and ever less self, putting focus from thinking, rationalizing, memorizing and obligating into being, experiencing, understanding and loving.

@Yimpa That really made me chuckle. I was in a state of ignorance, feeling compelled to share the transcendence of my own paradigms But then that becomes a mind game and A PAIN IN THE ASS If I'm honest, I don't feel like reading such elaborate posts myself, yet I cause it to others Seeing that really makes me wanna let go of it though, so I'ma do that Be more snappy

The Universe was not Self-Aware The Universe was Nothing The Universe split into Forms You form Forms and Forms form You Awareness is an aspect of Existence But you were not always Self-Aware You are Senses You are Intuition You have Desires You have Perception Desires filter Perception Filters create Distinctions Distinctions become Objects Objects are Projected Desire Projected onto Perception Projected through Intuition Intuition connects Objects Desire creates Emotions Emotions drive Behavior Some Behavior fulfills Desire Such Behavior becomes Habit Habit becomes Identity is Ego Ego is Homeostatic Happiness now Conditional Conditionality is stored in Memory Memory is encoded in the Brain Brain Configuration Navigates Mind Identity is Memory is Navigation Psychedelics synergize the Brain Interconnect Intuitions and Experience Psychedelics loosen the Filters Unconditional Love causes Ego-Death Psychedelics are temporary cheat-codes To realize the truth that was always within

Identity = Memory = Triangulation = Interpretation = External Reality as Proxy to Desired Experience

Through notes, videos, pictures, possessions, to-do lists, unfinished projects, we gather so much clutter. We can ignore that clutter, then it'll fade into our subconscious, but we'll be reminded through association eventually. And at that point, resistance towards the present moment and current desires will come up to distract us. We can train ourselves to dismiss it as it arises and to some degree we need to, not to start the process of cluttering anew. But now I seek to rid myself of it all by going over it piece by piece, recognizing it, realizing its nature, and dismissing it. What has made it easier for me is to recognize what is happening to all the attachments. They're not disappearing, they are becoming part of my broader self, that I perceive and interpret as the external world. I dismiss them into the same void that spawned them. I am a filter of reality, I filter reality based on perception and interpretation, I came into being navigating with senses. Over my life, I have acquired many philosophies, ideas, fun experiences, sorrow moments, everything that defines my identity. But I never lose these things because I never owned them, they are a superposition, a distinct local configuration of reality. A balance, just like the chemical balance and neural configuration in the brain. Change is essential for conscious experience, for time, for life. My identity is how I define myself, with attachment to past experiences, that I put on like a stack of coats. And also what I define myself against, which is like playing the floor is lava. But now I’m letting all these limitations I imposed upon myself go, they flow into my larger self, the world itself, while my personal identity becomes less and less.

Identity is the Attachment to Past Experiences that were associated with unfulfilled Emotional Desires. Identity is a Lens that interprets Reality from Qualia into Objects. Objects are a Projection of Identity onto Qualia by Triangulation, creating a Map of Object-ive Reality. Reality is Navigated like a Map, Objects are Locations, the Map is our Neural Network. Any Location is its Own Distinct Experience and Infinitely Connected to every other Place. The Connection is Inherent as there is no Separation, but distinctness is Imposed through the Mind-Map. There are no “Real Locations”, but there is Qualia that manifests itself through different Forms. Every Form flows into every other form. Qualia is “extra-dimensional”.

What is imagination? Same as intuition. What is intuition? Looking at the in-betweens. What in-betweens? Exactly Meditation intends silencing to dissolve your bias. Because the more you think and imagine, the more self-referential it is. To meditate is to go back to the source. And all kinds of crazy ideas and imaginations await you there.

I intuit why we talk about nothingness over everythingness. Dualities are arbitrary and infinite. To hold one side of a duality over the other is a bias. But to be attached a duality that encompasses both sides itself is also bias. To think is bias, to exist is bias, to appreciate is bias, to feel is bias. Everything is bias. One can overcome bias by either integrating all biases or letting go of them. But there as infinite biases, infinite lenses, that through their own unique existence infinitize infinity infinitely on top of the infinity that led one towards them. One will never dissolve bias through more bias because there is too much bias for a finite mind to remember. On the other hand, to let go of bias completely is to be. But the most radical version of it is not to be, for any perception is distinction is bias. To live is bias, to breathe is bias, to die is bias, to not be biased is bias. Mindfulness is bias, mindlessness is bias. The only way out of bias is less bias, but there is bias behind a desired level of biasness and the memory that led one there and keeps that state of mind. There is no escape, but there is surrender. Awareness is ego, there is no ego-death in our lifetime as in the extinguishing of all bias. But if one sees ego-death as ego-mindfulness and a conscious perspective to be as dynamic as possible through continuous ego-deconstruction and then one rebuilds oneself from nothingness of mind through our inherent body awareness and reality reinterpretation from a higher vantage point, to give up the ego and build one anew, then ego-death makes perfect sense. In that case, ego is personal attachment, and by giving it up, one is reborn into oneself. One still carries memories of the past-ego, but they are as arbitrary as the rest of existence and only reference points to be used and navigated like one's "physical environment", without the same level of attachment as identifying with it. So then ego-death is really ego-rebirth, the conscious letting to of one's projected identity.

I used to believe in "Non-Duality" a few hours ago, but that specific interpretation I held onto feels ever more delusional the more I self-reflect. I thought I had to relinquish all desires and maybe even phase out of existence. But I wondered what I would do if I were egoless. And I thought "nothing", because there'd be no need for anything. But how do I draw the difference between nothing and something, isn't it equally arbitrary. This whole world has form and direction, desires arise, they are a reflection of this homeostatic body's survival evolution. The feed of information appears in consciousness as desire, bodily needs, safety desires, comfort, belonging, self-esteem, actualization, Maslow's hierarchy of needs. All of it is arbitrary in the grand scheme of the universe and localized to this body, which I seem to be in control over. It is reality and exists regardless of my interpretation, my present experience is the only knowable reality. But practicality exists, I can recognize patterns and navigate the experience, it's just that nothing is fundamental, it's always interpretation. It's right until proven wrong, the mind is a map and not the territory. Only qualia is "real". Even that sentence doesn't seem right, because everything is equally real and unreal. But in a pragmatic sense, I create a duality between perception and interpretation, map and reality. The map isn't the same as reality but it is a subset within it, a contrast to actuality, but that's a duality, they're both reality, make of the same stuff, but I distinguish them as distinct out of an intent for navigation, sense making and understanding. All things, that the form I appear to be in control of is defined by, I define it into existence by these traits. I define into existence all of existence, every "thing". There is only perception, I perceive but I am also perception and I am the undivided being that splits into that duality. A "be-ing" rather than a being. Transience is proven by change, though change itself might not exist as we know it. Time and space, change itself is really just a perspective, a way to "navigate qualia". I can theorize an infinite fractal of qualia, each part mirroring every other, to zoom into it might be to move in that space in a specific manner and observe the perspective of entropy and generate the framework for space-time and sensual perception. I am not aware of these mechanics, they are interpretation, equally arbitrary as everything else, purely based on instinctual observation and perspectival intuition. Which themselves are all words, which I use to describe other words, to make sense. But reality already makes sense, reality is sense, reality is everything, every contradiction, every duality and unity. Reality does not appear to change based on my perceptions, but my perspective is changed by experience of reality. And even that might not be true, my perception creates reality, my mood changes my focus, psychedelics change the qualia I perceive. Reality is undefinable, for no subset can encompass a superset, or can it? Reality is every pointer and its opposite simultaneously, it integrates all perspectives, and all opposite perspectives and all non-perspectives and absolutely everything that we are and aren't aware of. Is there only awareness, or is awareness all that awareness can be aware of? Awareness can only ever know itself in the now. But awareness changes form, so that intuits that there is more. What, I don't know. How? I don't know. I can only know it by being it. I can retain memory, though its nature is projection. Regardless of all the thinking, my hand feels physical but I do not know its nature, or do I? Nature is something I invent. It is only and ever itself, a hand a concept and that which I point to that which I point to. I can distinguish many layers of awakening up until the one I am in now. It is becoming ever more aware of existence and leaving ever more lenses and the need for lenses behind and also the desire that spawns the need and then the reason for the desire and then realizing all of it was made of the same stuff as undivided reality, which I cannot with my current vision perceive as such. My eyes focus on "objects" with bias, easily recognizable forms enter awareness and my intuitive understanding tells me their purpose. But the way I understand Non-Duality in this consciousness-configuration is that it's not about "rejecting ego" but about "accepting everything". And on a healthy practical level, to free oneself of programming and fear and instead act on reason, awareness, self-reflection and taking ever more responsibility for existence. To be one's most aspired version, but in a way that does not dismiss the present for the future, but to be in the present that which one sees as the best way to be. To take care of one's desires, dismiss them when adequate, follow them when adequate, question them always, but also recognize the inherent nature of diminishing returns and the arbitrary nature of the whole fabric of reality on which everything builds.

I've been obsessed about making sense of reality for the longest time. Constant contemplation, I can just keep going indefinitely, generating thousands of words, directions, pointers, concepts a minute. But I'm ever more aware of the relativity of it all, infinite insights through infinite perspectives, they will never end. I quit my dead end job, it's mechanical repetitive nature was a waste of lifetime. I saved up enough to get by a year. Any direction I explore appears useless. Psychedelics saved my life by giving me the consciousness back that I deluded myself out of. The world runs on luxury, there's little point in perpetuating it. I'd like to work with psychedelics, after all, what more is there to reality than exploring it in every imaginable way? But psychedelic research feels useless, we already have them, it's just public perception that needs alignment. Neuroscience is cool, but it's really just conceptualizing a map whose territory is already available to us. Philosophy isn't something I see as a job, just as part of conscious sense making. There are many professions, but they do not interest me for long. It feels like I'm looking for a distraction, feeding the ego-game of needing to bind myself to something to perpetuate survival. But in the free time I have for myself now, I want to find out what the best thing to do is. How I can live the happiest and where to go. I could join a hippie commune, I could be homeless, I could try a start-up, but for what? I could write a book about the endless notes I'm in the process of deleting. It's all conceptual baggage but it's also a map of reality. Any tips from someone who integrates ego-death with presence and navigating the real world healthily?

@Yimpa I know what I want. I hide it from myself because I'm attached to unattachment. But it's simple and I can keep doing it indefinitely. Indefinitely from my current perspective, truly until I don't feel like it anymore, but there's so much energy. I'm running away from the energy, I'm running away from myself. The light is blinding. I love it. Why am I so obnoxiously smart in stupidity?

@Davino Thank you. To externalize my thoughts would make it easier to let go of them, I am continuously changing, using ever less words, but can always deconstruct them to an infinite length. I do take pleasure in these insights and a book would be simultaneously share them, memorialize them, and make some income on the way. I really just have to start exploring life and reality outside of the conceptual proliferation I was locked in all my life. I'm ever more aware of my body's needs and the layers of my mental delusion. I will do the best I can.