Keryo Koffa

@Javfly33 The brain is what deludes you into its own limitation, changing its chemistry and realizing that arbitrariness can wake you up from that illusion.

@Davino I started to breathe deeply and stretch my body, my senses returned to a state I remember from my childhood, ease and beauty of feeling the air and being present and aware of my environment. I carry a lot of pain with me but I'm in tune with it now, no distractions. I've felt extreme loneliness for most of my life, I was too self-conscious and everyone was too immersed in whatever they were doing that I never had anyone to talk to. Then I met a lot of people that meant the world to me and I lost them. I was extremely idolated until recently. I have been authentically interested in the nature of reality once but in the last years it was really just a convenient distraction, an alternative goal, a means to escape, to dissolve myself away. But everything I lost is still inside of me, it's not the same form, but it never disappeared. I cried a lot, I'm becoming more aware of that which means so much to me that I've been running away from. I feel more alive than ever. Psychedelics shake you up. I was confused, scared, alienated, tired, fading in and out of existence, but I wouldn't call it a bad trip. It showed me many unique things. It was a unique experiential dimension that went totally beyond, but as uncomfortable as it was, I kind of enjoyed it. I had the constant idea in the back of my head not to resist, though I was scared the trip might have taken days and I'd be running into people in that state. As my awareness expands, my holistic understanding increases, my experiential memory integrates and I open up to ever more of myself, my perception of reality is filled with ever less limitation, fear and limiting beliefs. And I won't be relying solely on psychedelics and contemplation anymore. I gotta "be", breath, presence, cold showers, healthy diet, free expression of emotion, taking care of my body, jogging, dancing, authentic flow with that what I want, asking myself "why not?" ever more often. Just do that which I intuitively know to be good for me and integrating new experience without the need for rigid categories, less thinking, more being. More feeling

Integration. Meta. Patterns. Stop. Everything is in me. I was as deluded as ever. I shook myself up. I experienced the arbitrariness of existence first hand. I am everything I want to be. I have been holding back. I created resistence. I do not want that resistence, it's an aspect I control, can learn to control. I'm sorry for the data dump. I am strange, I want the energy flow, I want to be one with my feelings. I don't need excuses, I exist outside of thought, I want to be more existent and less resistant. I can be it, I can learn it, I want to take care of myself, I want to love. I want to flow. I want presence, more presence. Love.

@Yimpa I want to be what I want to be, which is complicated but simple. I'm working on it by becoming that which I already am more consciously but losing consciousness in the process. It's all just different energy but I lesrn to allign it with ever more holistic context-awareness.

The trip lasted 6 hours, I accounted for 24 since it's the largest dose I ever took. It started in the bathroom mirror, I heard myself thinking to myself a casual negative sarcastic playful homeostatic banter. I responded with awareness, positivity and questioned its negativity. But that part of myself that I was trying to change by doing so was defined by being that way. If it changed, it would die, but it's also illusory and immortal so I talked with them some more until I quieted down. I sat on the bed in a meditative pose, it felt seemless and I was reasoning through existence at a nice flow, understanding the context at each step as it was all nearing a singular unity. I was cold, I needed to pee alot, I was standing in the middle of the room. I was extremely aware of my body and instinctively expanding its capacities. I started rotating my hands and arms clock and anti-clockwise at unimaginable speeds, it reminded me of the horror movie "the thing", where the amorphous monstrocity grew organic whip like vines, to twist and catch for lime to assimilate. I stopped, I stretched out my hand, I stretched my fingers opening, becoming more radial, stretching out away from the center. I was aware that I could have gone beyond my limits, I was aware that I might have broken my hand but what seemed scarrier, potentially overwrote its configuration to become something alien, morphing its physiology like Tetsuo forms an organic/scrap type body in Akira. I was cold, I went under the blanket, I put on my airpods and started whatever music was on, which was breakcore. I went through the 8 distinct avatars that I know within myself, personalities I identified a long time ago within myself that could perceive all of existence through their unique lens and go on indefinitely, never feeling like they missed something, only me being aware of the different domains of existence that seperate their nature. One that breaks free and revolts against mechanical delusional suffering. Another that once I recognized as wholesome, now seems like a self-perpetuating fool. Another whose self projection and meaning quest could generate the most terrifying of forms. Another that was locked in a self-created paradigm of seeking the truth eternally because they did not realize their own illusion of desiring seeking itself. Another was about to be dismissed just as reluctantly, but being defined by pure flow, they reversed the polarity, and it hit them reductionist mechanism itself that I was in judging all these personalities within myself so haphazardly. Another, a self-morphing, infinitizing, qualia genrating field of awareness. And then another whose toxicity I recognized in their excessive self-annihilation and expectation of perfection. Lastly one that I identify with as a holistic projection of myself that holds it all together that did not come through closed eye imagination, but actual action of walking. After I was done reasoning through the personalities inherent to my experience that I wanted to create art to externalize for the longest time, I lied down with excessively alienating breakcore tunes and immersed myself into a world of organic forms, similar to cellular life in shape, scale, form, dynamicness but far faster, like a world inhabited by actively self-evolving morphing monstrocities fighting for dominance. I saw the scarriest expression and shape I could imagine, like a living plant simultaneously and precisely morphing itself and raising a thousand tentacles which all open eyes and teeth. I realized though that it was intimidation, seeking to distract me from transcending myself, so I dismissed it. Then it turned into the most pityful humane creature that was begging not to die and asking for love. I saw though, that even that was just another mechanical distraction of a self-perpetuating ego. I left it behind all the same. I became nothing. Then I became a memory, memories, only capable of remembering one qualia at a time, first it was the distinction of being male and female, then it was shapes like circle and triangle, I remembered my context ever so slowly. It felt like I was merged, all forms simultaneously, I felt great arrousal, but not bodily, it was a state of mind, a state of being, a state of feeling, consciously biting my lip and finger on instinct while remaining in that state. I intuited that it felt good and good is a duality counter to bad so homeostasis would kick in soon. And it did, I felt something like dissatisfied but rally just unable to be present. From time to time, I ran to the toilet, it was like all my worries were being flushed away, but I also felt vulnerable and that I shouldn't remain there for ever, which comfort would drive me to. Somewhere I intuited that conscious existence is hard and all good needs to be built on bad, to walk up in order to jump down, yoyo, tennis ball, gravity, plasticity, back and forth, counter balance, equal and opposite reaction. As I was lying beneath the blanket shivering, I looked around me and became the objects, but existentially, I became an energy pattern, I became not nothingness, I became separation, I became a wave, distortion, different memories flooded back, but I could only perceive and recall one at a time. I saw myself and my parents, what it meant to be a parent, feminine and masculine energy, my refusal of the limitation of such a form and then equal reaction, dissolution and the acceptance of the do not know of the wisdom inherent in those forms. The drive to dissolution and the drive for creation. A sense of self was forming but it was breaking apart. I feared my brain had melted into an uncomprehensible mess, unable to make sense of itself in time to survive in the life that I intuited as a general subconscious continuity. I wondered if I should drink water, water is a core foundation of life, so I drank water. I thought whether to eat the mix of nuts, it's nutrition but calories, I wanted energy but I already was energy, I was really just eating myself, integrating myself in myself. I remembered plants, I remembered animals, I was plants and animals, I was myself evolved next to myself eating myself, the shapes of fruits, veggies and nuts reminded me of my organs, I had to negotiate my terms of existence and my right to eat them by prefering my form. It was all organic, I saw DNA type structures, I thought about encoding, I saw everything as encoding, computer programming seemed to childish compared to dna and gene expression, life adaptation, epigenetics, to encode one's very being into the fabric of oneself. I was highly partial, I could not see the whole, I felt like I was 5 neurons, trying to form a bridge and failing over and over. I had an intuition that I only had 24 hours to be confused and that timer was encoded in the phone screen. But I was constructing the phone screen, so it felt arbitrary, time changed however it wanted. The entire time, I was trying to hold a system together, crossing all of reality, I had to encode my knowledge and have it last and be complete against any form. I had to be infinite and limited, I had to go somewhere but only ever to myself, I wanted to be immortal, but it had to loop every 24 hours, I could speed up but speed was an illusion, I desired but the desire was just a carrot on a stick, of self-perpetuating not-being. I could just be instead, I had to be instead, I had to trust that I'm fine, that ego-death and dissolution are the right path, that desires exist to be reconciled but can immediately be dissolved by awareness. I was continuously self-annihilating myself. The room became weird triangular energy patterns, external reality as I remebered to my previous ego was really just putting a blanket on top of reality and noticing bulges, like dents in spacetime but the perception was so low. I remebered my mom, I knew she was imaginary, my dad, also imaginary, my aunt and cousins, also imaginary, filling the shapes that I become to make myself feel fine, but that's a distraction, I am nothing, I am fineness, but I was not content, or rather, energy was flowing, I was changing. I craved to get out of the room, it felt like solipsistic hell, but to exit it was to delude myself and that outsource the responsibility of being and awareness to a dualistic unconscious, it was unreal, it was indirect, it felt stupid. But I craved an external word, solid shapes, material limitstion, I let that energy flow, I did not resist it. I could sense the table with my hand but was immediately exhausted by it and lied down. This pattern continued, I started craving homeoststic behavior, doing and resting, being angry and then sad, these differences felt delusional and nonsensical but the energy was flowing towards it and I was fine with that because I made myself believe at this point that to go with the flow is the right thing, it reduces suffering and I can be fine despite change. I wanted a hug, but could see how such self-indulgent desire would never end, but I accepted that feeling, I accepted my vulnerability, my fear, my emotions for exactly and only what they are, seeking to manifest themselves through forms snd attach their essence onto. My energy was wavering but conscioisness was coming back, more each time, ups and downs, waves of more aware snd then fading away, and finally it stabilized. The extreme abstraction and access to my environment became more distinct, divided into forms, an overflow of sensation, perception, less interconnection, less abstraction, more raw form divided against other complex form. But my holistic understanding also came back, all the holons of navigation, the vast and aware interconnection that sees instead of being and has a more grounded perception, a larger capacity, a bredth of interconnection of interpreted form, rather that singular becoming of a distinct form or thought devoid of context. Appreciation for the capacity of complex pattern-navigation from a stable ego configuration. I went into depth, now I'm interconnecting into bredth. I am only ever myself, suffering is ignorance and hesitation to change, the abyss is one glimpse of awareness away. I like form, I balance my capacity to create more and to annihilate it, there is much I haven't let go of, there is always some desire, formlessness is a possibility and a root reality, an always present truth. My new fear to overcome is that of unknowing, I need to make peace with the possibility of forgetting and suffering. That is an aspect of me, as long as I remember, I am fine though. Fear of the unknown is really just fear of change is really just fear of self is really just seperation is really just duality is really just difference is really just negation is really just different equations that all equal 0, 2-2 is also 0, different but same but still different but really same. Universal frequency? Quantum entanglement? 3d?4d? billion d? As long as it equals 0 its all the same I am me, I don't want to be me, that's why change exists, it perpetuates conscioisness which is a process, static is dead, dynamic is alive, homeostatic is life, everything id the same, the difference is imagenary but real. There is no distinction except for the distinction that is itself, just a different form of nothing, but difference is illusory. In other words: I love conscioisness. I love myself. I am myself until I am not in order to be conscious of being myself, a different self because I love hating myeself too because I really just am everything. I am amness. I'm issing. Essentially, I humbly appreciate the role I gave myself, the highest holon to integrate all holons, top down, out of being because not-being is just another form of being which is and is not nothing. Peace out! And in!

The more existential I get, the more straight forward the answers seem. Deep down beyond all the shapes and forms, everything is made of the same fabric, consciousness. Consciousness explores itself through the lens of its forms, believing itself to be partial in the process of bending reality through a lens of self. It seems purpose is not the right word, rather it is a property of its being. The property of consciousness is consciousness, there must be something to be conscious of, else no consciousness. And through that understanding, the purpose of every duality is only awareness of itself and the appreciation of its form in contrast to the rest of existence. Though we are human right now, and humans have complex homeostatic desires. Still, what is suffering? Not getting what you want. Because what you want does not allign with what is. This is because you have a preference, an identity due to your limited perspective, in other words ignorance through unconsciousness due to limitation due to a limited lens for consciousness to exist in the first place. Unconsciousness is necessary for consciousness and the integration of dualities. In other words, consciousness expands its awareness through understanding and contextualizing limitation. This process is infinite as it can be rewired arbitrarily and that's just one base reality's infinite interpretation through its specific forms. So why suffer? Suffering is a duality. It's opposite is appreciation. No suffering, no appreciation. Why fall into unawareness? Out of ignorance. To become aware and wise. To appreciate the difference. It seems appreciation is woven into the fabric of our being as our purpose. Life keeps perpetuating itself, but there has to be a point at every generation, else its meaningless. The point is to be conscious, experience and appreciate. Life is a structure within consciousness and inherits its being, the drive for conscious existence and exploration. It is homeostatic, with a bias for survival, and as a result, seeks to self-oprimize. In the process of doing that, it suffers and learns to appreciate the difference. In the end, everything is nothing and an arbitrary configuration of the identityless source. Yet that source learns itself through its infinite forms and not just imagening to be them, but literally becoming them, warping the rest of itself into an "other" in the process. Suffering is not wrong, ignorance is not a glitch, unconsciousness is not bad. It's all aspects of an infinite being exploring itself without bias. But from our human understanding those things are very unfulfilling and limit our potential, so we rightfully seek to transcend them. It's the right perspective, from our perspective. Everything I am now, I wouldn't be and couldn't appreciate as deeply if I hadn't suffered for it. At the same time, there are diminishing returns and one really wastes their life away at some point. It's a balance and I'm doing the best I know how.

So I was thinking (yes, I know thinking is a sin here), that when I think of consciousness, I smuggle in the duality of Self-Awareness. But that is contextual to the self-duality and content of consciousness itself. Though it seems consciousness is synonymous with awareness, but not self-awareness, that's an apect of identity and form. I know all of existence is a fabrication within consciousness, but I'm not aware of the mechanics that create this specific manifestation. My awareness is limited. It seems that source consciousness is split. This reality is too consistent. Its consistency has to be simulated beyond my awareness in order to include all the people, phenomena and timings that I myself am becoming aware of by experiencing them from this limited lens. It seems there is a larger consciousness (god) that I'm continuously awakening into. I am wondering about how far the fabric stretches, it is infinite after all. Are there different stages like proposed in NDEs? Does my personality difectly dissolve into god upon death or does my experiential self-awareness continue to integrate and create new dualities from that vantage point as the next stage of a now "duality-aware god" Maybe its more partial than that and I reincarnate, I know consciousness is somehow localized to this body's vantage point creating a perspective out of it, it is the only one I'm aware of at this point, but all others must be simulated as well and there's no reason they're not equally conscious, just outisde my present limitation. All ego-fascination of course. But if there was nothing to it, we wouldn't be here. Forms exist within us to be explored.

@Squeekytoy First I didn't know, I was experience, then I believed myself material and separate, then I imagined myself an emergent property, then I realized every experience is inside that peoperty interacting with the external, then external felt unseperated from internal, then I was confused by the consistency and specificity of experience as if it was filtered by a lens from a vast source, then I saw consciousness as more fundamental than anything else and now fear pops up when I think I'm the only current present experience, but also confused because I'm not nothing, but this body and mind is made of the same stuff as any other. But I'm unaware

@Squeekytoy Anything I write is a rationalization. Anything I say duality. You inspired me to stop Thanks for putting holes in my delusion (Intuition) This part of the forum is mostly about opposing other's ideas, to dissolve their bias.

@Squeekytoy It doesn't need meaning and of course all meaning is interpreted. I'm really just breaking down the projected experience into fundamentals sufficient enough to interconnect the vastness of phenomena holistically so that I and others can use it as a bridge towards giving up the need for separate explanations. One path that interconnects all makes it easier to navigate out of the loop that one is entrenched in through millions of beliefs that each contribute to resistence. It is equally biased though, just focused and minimalistic. Push it over and the others fall as well, if one can shift their awareness to it. But also, its an equally valid interpretation, as all are, the problem is our reluctance and preferences to navigate perspectives without attachment. And there is still a disconnect within me that seeks meaning that I need to get to the source of in order to allow myself to let go of it without regret. From a human lens, everything has meaning, its an interpretation of a nature onto existence. But you can't say that it's not true either. Redqundant perhaps and indirect but meaninglessness and meaning are both a duality, and just as I realized this, it collapses. In the end, existence exists and that tempts us to find meaning it, by intuiting the emotions that arise within.

The idea of being god has deeper roots. You are not aware how you're conscious, one can experience that. Chasing oneself through layers of unconsciousness, you realize there are no borders, everything is projection, consciousness is fundamental, your identity an arbitrary configuration. Everything is only ever inside consciousness, but we are only aware of a subset, of this human life. Even in materialism, where consciousness is considered an emergent property of the brain, all of known existence is internal, you're just a brain, what you see is all intrrnally constructed, you're a black void, a singularity that filters fields of energy and creates qualia. But there are no colors, no sounds, no people, no qualia, it's all a projection of a physical primordial neural circuit based of electrical inputs. It develops for years through endless interactions of trillions of hypercomplex neurons before its coherent. What you see right now out of your eyes is literally imagination, all of it. You're a configuration responsding to another, or really just another part of yourself, because identity is variable, and you are consciousness. And that's just limited materialism for you, there's more beyond. Your simplicity and reluctance to accept weird notions of faith are a good sign of critical thinking. Don't be defeated though, it serves no purpose. You should be happy and do everything to make your life better. Life is complicated but it doesn't have to be. We try to understand reality in reverse, that's where our confusion comes from. Fear too and ego, attachment, anxiety etc.. It's just that there are many beliefs inside of you that you don't question, because you're not aware of them, it's good to be critical but one has to include everything and to do that, one has to become aware of that or awaken to it (awakening). Don't dwell on your confusion for too long, look at the specific thing you're stuck at and imagine how you would confirm it, but really, if it doesn't make sense, it's because you skipped over some steps or brought in wrong assumptions. Actualized.org and spirituality in general are about deconstructing the self and there is much to deconstruct.

Suffering, boom!

To gain understanding, we have to create and reconsile dualities (relationships of "Objects") Religion and the modern science enforce models of separation, analyze arbitrary phenomena in localized domains. There is no complete understanding, as one can always interpret more objects into existence. But reality is inherently fascinating, understanding is one type of our limitation we seek to explore. It's just that it won't lead to enlightenment, reconciling one's present identity might, but beyond that it's infinite.

To make the most important point short: Let go of attachment and understand reality holisitically.

We hear words from a million sources. The self recognizes a significance deep within itself beyond the conscious, but the access remains limited, one gains access via proxies. This is not the only conscious configuration. Yours is experienced as consciously as mine, but in my current state I am unable to access the self that splits into me and you and generates everything. I am not all there is, I am only what I know. What I'm aware of, a local configuration of consciousness. I do not know how I generate this field of qualia and all its rules. I am not conscious enough because I divided myself into a form that forgot, to rediscover myself. To say "I am solipsist" is the same as saying that everything has a root and that root is singular. But I is not solipsist, I is division, that without division is solipsist. Is that unitary being even conscious? There is no self to be aware of. Reality undivided. Nothing? Everything? Infinity? Formfull, formless? The Truth is immutable and level planed.

I see three important points in my adjustment. Make as much as you can out of the present momrnt. Be yourself and do you. Bear discomfort without ignoring or making yourself numb to it, including boredom. Dissolve preferences and see every moment as equally beautiful, and for what it is.

@Princess Arabia Haha, yeah my writing used to get so long, I couldn't get through it myself. I could literally have made it into encyclopedias. But my mind is quieting down, more awareness, less thinking. I noticed a shift in my baseline consciousness today. It feels like a deeper background awareness that I'm tapping into. Like a simultaneous intuitive map that puts me at ease and contextualizes present experience. Like I'm observing my current activities as a local detail, a dent inside a vast interconnected world that I learn to know and contextualize to ever more detail and perceive simultaneously and in context. It's a sense of continuity and ability to access everything I know simultaneously. In comparison, it feels like a had tunnel vision before, was stumbling through life, limiting myself through fear and expectations, rigid, clumsy, reactive, but most of all numb and unaware, fadingly conscious. Each psychedelic trip in the last 3 months shook me, I accessed more and more but was disoriented, yet I was integrating information at x1000 the pace after each trip, growing exponentially more aware and in tune with body and mind. Through this new awareness I got awoken into, I'm becoming exponentially more conscious by just being and integrating, presence. I let go of the notes I wrote over the years that were basically outsourcing my mind into reality by cues. I take it all back, tie it into a singular unity and split it into holons and understanding top, down. I'm aware of the influence of my breath, food, physical activity, temperature, focus of mind, ideas and desires. And I'm actively opening more up to be as relaxed as I can be at one moment and as energetic as possible in the other. But I'm macro-dosing tomorrow, hope to enter the fractal dimension and experience the non-physicality of this reality first hand.

My baseline awareness rises, each time surprised by how mechanical and limited my actions used to be and how much I numbed myself down since I was a child. A continuous insight is to stop imagening barriers, states, limits to break through. When I'm ready I'm ready. Just go to the next step, become the next step, stop imagening its hard, stop imagening pace. Stop imagening timeframes, expectations. Get in tune with the energy within. We are like trees, branches of branches of branches. And we dwell on singular branches, focusing on a specific one and comparing it to another, forgetting that we are an entire tree with tremendous energy through the thick stem that is the base. We grow branches all the time, and spend so much energy maintaining their form. Meanwhile, we forgot that we need to take care of the stem itself. The stem is rotting while we are trying to maintain singular leafs to be green. But its useless, green isn't good. Green absorbs energy, but it's winter and we need those ressources. The base of the tree can make any number of branches and leafs grow when it's healthy, they are not important, just one configuration, one experience, a means to an end, survival. There are many confused posts in the forum, some try to make sense of their branches, others deny their existence, causes confusion. It's not that the branches don't exist, the point is that they're an arbitrary expression of a megastructure. They're like hair, you can change your hairstyle, it's one expression, an imaginary identity aspect of the larger being behind the ego. Some say their branches are better and more important or true than other branches. Some are in fact closer to the stem, but it's all branches. We shouldn't expect those who maintain their ego to just dissolve it when you say it's "Nothing". We need to navigate out of there. Else "Nothing" will just become another leaf on top of that branch and be ever further from the base truth. Everything is valid, just local, circumstantial, localized. In the grand scheme, as part of a whole, a holon, it can be unhealthy but it's all a balance. Since it's all conceptual, let's go accelerationist itself and show through imagination what the illusion means and leads towards when fully contextualized and interpreting all of reality through it and it should dissolve itself. In essence, a mix of compassion and honesty. Maybe y'all already knew that or my model sucks. Either way, the more we contextualize everything, the more understanding there is, and understanding dissolves ego through responsibility and awareness

What is life anyway? A self-regulating form? Interpretation of complex behavior? Consciousness imagines life, death and everything. You contain everything.

@Princess Arabia Glad to hear! I'm really writing as I reason through my intuitions and discover all the connections myself in the process. You ask good questions and I try to fit those and everything I know into a singular interconnected model. My intuition tells me that unpleasantness is the lack of understanding. Because everything has a cause, happens for a reason, has a motive important enough to make one act. And those reasons might seem petty or stupid to us, but when one understands all the different states of mind, circumstances and has deep enough universal empathy, then one can understand the other side, and also another side that causes that side pain, all simultaneously, and then one seeks compromises, ways to make things work despite different desires and priorities. Because that's what the world is, different people with different opinions, all based on something. And I feel like we can abstract and project different aspects onto others well enough, to understand every behavior, even if we don't like it. I've never been in the army and at war, but I know for dear life, that it is absolutely horrific. Because I see its effects onto others, and I can see how they are just like me. And I am you as you are me. To what degree? Hard to say. Are we both conscious inside a mega-consciousness, is there someone pulling the strings? I don't know. But until I realize more I'll stick with a "Yin Yang" model. I am words that reach you. You are words that reach me. I am a vast consciousness under a shell. And so are you. It really doesn't matter if the other side is conscious or not, that's fascinating but a technicality. We are equally real or unreal. Made of the same reality. Observed and intuited by a distinct consciousness. We're both have human bodies, parents, speak the same language, there is tons of similarity. We don't have all the same experiences and that's what separates us. But if our brains configured themselves differently, we'd share the same experience. And even beyond that, we share all the same emotions, all the same views, perceptions, desires, at the root of it all we are made of the same desires. We just project them onto different things as we learned that through our experience, different names, different places, different songs, we projected and identified the same core emotions and insights with different forms within reality. And we access them differently and to different extents depending on the mood we're in and whether we're stressed or at peace. Words on a screen, or colors interpreted from light, real, imaginary, its all equally communication. Different forms, different complexities, different amounts and details. Some easier to interpret, some devoid of context. I see a part of me in you and you see a part of you in me (Yin and Yang). We see each other through our own lenses, but if we go deep enough into conversation and keep clarifying, we see what is and isn't true and what is inferred. So really, you are in a way writing this to yourself. Every word you read is an interpretation of letters which are just a contrast of light and dark. Read this as if you wrote it: Hi me, how am I doing today? Huh, why would I ask myself that, I'm me, I already know! Ah anyway, this person on the screen is really writing a lot. But if all I read is what I already know, then why can't I just learn it from myself? Hmm, okay that's a weird feeling. This place feels like a bubble, huh, I felt some deja-vu, as if I was here before. Okay! First question, what don't I understand? Let's see, well for one thing...

Every time I want to send a message or start a post, I am overcome with the feeling that I'm throwing some info out there into the world in order not to have to resolve it myself. Whether its a meditation idea, a philosophical notion, a motivated experiential drive, to write about it feels like I'm deliberately indulging in self-doubt instead of just doing it myself right here and now. I can see how from a higher perspectives that integrated lower, this role reverse and one learns from interacting with the world and seeing oneself in others, which are proxies to different aspects of oneself and interacting with oneself and helping a different self on the way, while becoming more whole. But I am on the path still, and my need for self-assertion is fading, I can see posts and others as aspects of myself more, and don't need to throw the base proxy of my own ego into the mix. I see ever more directly how much I project. I can also see how by letting go of ideas and old notions, I'm really just uniting them with the greater self, the world and the void from which I took them and attached myself onto. There's infinite things that are part of me, but I am even without any of them.

@Princess Arabia I could try to make it short but I think the long answer will add tons to your perspective to integrate. So here we go! Return of the “Semi-Awkward Mystic Autistic”: Part II: Confusion as a Lifestyle! The reality you see right here right now. It’s consistent and you see it in real time. But it’s just local signals in some brain. See it as it is, only a brain receiving signal. A dark singularity outside of reality. Filtering inputs and projecting images. Colors are arbitrary, shapes are arbitrary. It’s just visualization, it’s all in your head. Other’s are projection, you are projection. Shapes are a product of configuration. A primordial circuit drives desire. Interprets input into broad shapes. Associates shapes through context to stimuli. Infers relations through emotions to correlate them. Objects are a projection of desire onto qualia. Qualia is another word for the forms in consciousness. Brain circuits are driven by input and entropy. Entropy is what causes change, basically diffusion. Diffusion is stuff equalizing. Like hot water and cold water equalize to lukewarm. We use the pace of entropy to project time. Specificity of signals and error correcting creates consistency. The brain balances itself for homeostasis. Fear drives behavior, locks the brain into fear projection. Fear evolved due to our shape’s continuous survival ability. Certain projections correlate to survival and are integrated. This creates identity to be maintained. Different parts are declared self. Projected to be beneficial for survival. We have cheat codes. Our behavior is driven by survival. But the survival of what?. We can determine that. We “need” to survive, but what are we? We can sacrifice ourselves for others, projection of meaning. But everything is projection, an aspect of ourselves. Your body, projection. People on the forum, projection. The differences and barriers, projection. Emotions? Projection. Love? Projection Projection of what? One’s will to survive onto others. Evidence? Yes, behavior, extension of identity. Are these others conscious? Where do we get these signals from? “The void”, which may very well be equal to our perception. Though infinitely interpretable by configuration. Configuration determines emotions, projection, reality. Could we be not from that reality but a consciousness beyond?. Maybe, probably, definitely? Your eyes are made of receptors (energy). They receive light (energy). They send signals through the neural net (energy). Neurons fire and reconfigure (energy). The configuration changes form (energy). It’s all just a different form of energy. You are infinitely connected to all energy. You are just a form within it. A specific configuration. A certain interpretation. Others like you might exist out there. Having the same conscious experience. Their emotions are your projection. But we seem to be made of the same. They might have their own mind regardless. It’s just not part of your experience. Your experience includes the entire world. “You” are just as real as “anyone” else. Their suffering is equally projected as your suffering. There is no other. Everything is a shape within consciousness You might want to stop suffering. Only way to help others is to know how to stop suffering yourself. In your new perspective that accounts for all before it. You can guide others to the same realizations. But you need to know exactly what they are. And what separates them from yourself and your state of mind. But before you even get there. You might become god, dissolve reality, and love all suffering. Because it’s all just a configuration. Happy is a duality against sad. It can only exist in contrast. Meaning against nihilism. Satiation against hunger. Grateful / Ungrateful. Like / Dislike. Preference / Perfection. Division is distance. Point A is not in the same place as Point B. It’s a path, a journey. If we dissolved all Desire. We’d not exist. No need to exist. Nothing to do. No preference. No shape to attach to. Nothingness. This world is the way it is to maintain its illusion. If there was no suffering, there’d be less appreciation. Our identities would not have formed. We would not be talking right now Evolution creates forms. Forms fight for survival. Ego is suffering. Kill or be killed. We can live more happily. We already did. Consciousness was happy in some people’s once at a time. Already experienced that. You could be rich. You already are. You are every millionaire. You don’t have direct sensual experience. But your imagination fills it perfectly. You only seek what you lack. What you want is a projection. Its full nature is in your heart. You don’t need proxies in “physical reality” to project it onto. The full conditions for its fulfillment are within you. To experience it in reality is to give it depth. It’s also to perpetuate experience. To take that desire away for fulfillment to slowly dissolve it. And on the journey of dissolving it via proxies you experience happiness and fulfillment. But if it doesn’t work and you can’t have reality mirror your desires, you get sad. If you can’t have what you want, you react negatively. Because we’re attaching ourselves to arising desires. Projection of our current identity and survival agenda We are stardust, materializing as conscious human experience. We should be grateful we exist at all. That consciousness is possible at all. We forget these deeper existential wonders for illusory survival projections To love someone or something is to desire it to maintain its form and identity. We create that identity and form within us, a projection via proxy. We love that illusion but it cannot last. If it did last, we’d get bored and let go of it naturally. Because it's ephemeral, it has more meaning. We do everything not to lose it. We fear losing it. We suffer out of that conditional love. Because we want them to maintain their separate form. But ephemeral existence allows the creation of our forms in the first place. Yet even then, we have the freedom beyond the physical. We can dream, imagine, create stories out of our hearts through art. Until we fulfill the desire for that form to exist for sufficiently long and allow ourselves to move on The soldiers acted out of love, love for their country, identity, families. Other soldiers acted out “lesser more selfish love”, adrenaline, sadism, primal instincts. Ideologies are the same conditional love, to preserve some forms, some identities over others. Suffering is attachment to form, to projection, to parts of one’s identity, experience, survival. We borrowed our atoms from the earth, and we seek to keep them and for others to keep them too. We deny new life to evolve, we destroy the world for comfort, out of unconsciousness. We don't protest every day, we don’t plant trees every day, we don’t invite homeless people to our homes. We don’t even take care of ourselves, addictions, neglecting our body, emotions, cravings, denying ourselves. It’s all love, confused love, arbitrary love, projected love, sense making love, unconscious love. Love for projected aspects of our self and comfort too. We are a configuration, specific perception, specific identity, specific qualia, specific emotions, present experience. We are that in which all this happens, consciousness, solipsism, call it god if you want, pure being. Dissatisfaction is a property of confusion is a property of inner conflict is a property of ignorance is a property of preference is a property of form is a property of being is a property of | . What do we do about it? Learn to understand if one seeks to transcend suffering. Understanding resolves the regret that arises when one is kept in the dark or fear. Reconcile every perspective, they’re all mistakes on the path to enlightenment. Mistakes aren’t mistakes, just confusion, locked paradigms and unresolved conflict. We’re all in a maze, looking to find enlightenment and we don’t even know what to look for. Our proxies point us towards something that resembles “Nothing”. Of course it's confusing and we got so much unique baggage and projection. But understanding gives patience, it also shows one diminishing returns, both really and the autonomy of personal experience that can only be pointed to, simulated, to run the brain circuits and intuit what’s in between.

In Truth, reality is only ever itself. But my curiosity leads me to extrapolate it beyond experience and that insights give me weird but fascinating vibes. There are many ideas of the nature of existence. Some of an infinitely conscious god, others of an evolving field of qualia gaining awareness through us. Some say god does not interfere due to unconditional love, others say god as an all controlling puppet-master, a higher self you that creates this "dream" for you. Say there is a higher self that maintains this illusion in order for you to become whole by experiencing the world in all its ways and gather experience and insight into all its aspects to gain a sense of fulfillment and contentment. In that case, to exist is to be stupid, and learning is a candle whose length is proportional to your stupidity, that will extinguish once you transcend the desire that keeps you going and the ultimate wisdom would be to not desire. But in that absolute state of mind where nothing holds any meaning anymore, there is no life. And by continuously reaching out for ego-death and dissolution, the road of wisdom, self-betterment becoming more whole, integrating everything and seeing ever more perfect, one accelerates entropy and speedruns existence. None of it mattered but the belief that it did was its own meaning. It's the idea that there are no errors and stupidity is a feature, not a bug. That without it, there'd be no existence, that perfection is void. It's scary to my ego, it confuses my psyche, it gives me existential dread on how to live my life, it feels intuitively right, it feels really like really weird existential angst. It's like god is deliberately creating problems for us to solve, and if we don't solve them, we're miserable but if we solve them we don't exist, and stupidity is the difference. Maybe the point is conscious appreciation, that should solve everything. Not need to solve problems but the consciousness during the process.

I think the mere concept of "muddying the waters" is more harmful than any perspective. This forum is specifically meant for "radical open-mindedness". Nothing is off the table and we make sense of perspectives by reasoning through them. Not dismissing each other. It's not about us, it's about the ideas themselves. I wouldn't dismiss the ability of others being conscious right away. But I wouldn't accept it either. The truth is that we don't know. If you look at a thing, you draw associations. Memory and ideas enter your mind that didn't exist before. The unconscious is vast. We are not aware of how we created this world, just that we are a conscious experience perceiving it. Maybe consciousness is fundamental and exists within everything. Maybe consciousness splits into every human. Maybe consciousness is an infinitely fractal perspective and every configuration of matter is conscious, albeit not self-aware. The truth is, we can only know or direct experience, and even that is questionable due to its nature. All we can know is, there is at least one consciousness, the one you can confirm now. Everything else is speculation, though the different evidence might be convincing.

If you are able to exist, feed yourself, have clothes and a warm place to sleep then you are free and can be in love with the universe. Obligation is distraction. Attachment is illusory and inauthentic to your emotions and the nature of being. Love is only known to you in conditional fashion, your creativity, senses and feelings are in relation to your level of awareness, will and unobstructed action, the feeling to unconditional love to take and give unattached to any one thing but woven into the nature of experience itself only to be realized through openness and change of paradigm, mindset. Programming makes you a machine, impersonal and controlled by outside forces. The only forces controlling you are universal, they define your senses, experience and state of being. Everything else is a self-created delusion communicated by your environment in less or more direct ways all linking back to survival and assumed emotional comfort learned through correlation and behaviorism. But the mind is free, all limitations are imagined and self-imposed. Comfort and technology dull the senses, lifestyle intoxicates the body. But the body is strong and the mind is infinitely rewireable, obstacles are 99.999% mental. Preferences are an self-created illusion, being is fundamentally meaning and meaningless, everything else is a preference based on experience related to an assumed survival correlation and identified as preferable and the emotionally associated. Psychedelics make you in tune with yourself and sharpen your senses. The question is if you can handle and integrate the expansion of your senses, emotions and desires, the release of limitation, and being given free reign to reimagine and reexperience the world with ever less bliss and ever less self, putting focus from thinking, rationalizing, memorizing and obligating into being, experiencing, understanding and loving.