Keryo Koffa

Took me 12 psychedelic trips to realize I'm basically an infant when it comes to spirituality. The whole structure of my mind and body were pre-encoded long before I materialized. I am an appearence, a form, a physical manifestation of a far deeper self-exploring reality, a holon, a holistic structure. And at the same time, the formlessness itself morphing across forms and energies. I was never seperate from anything else, but I split into myself at some point. I evolve and change, I observe and fractalize reality, warp it through perspectives and morph it through perceptions, filters, desires, beliefs. But I am a very superficial ego when compared to the far greater whole that I define myself against but that I spring out of and am ever indebted for my existence to. But the dept is an illusion, for I am just a different aspect of that very same organism exploring itself. There is much to learn and infinite things to discover. But my physical form as far as I'm aware will only last so long. It is a filter to the infinite experience that is possible. I seem to never quite die, forms change and I often definte myself as a form but I exist despite its change like a rock in the river. The whole universe is a manifestation of a projection from within itself. I feel many confusing tendencies.

They open your eyes. But it's up to you to decide what to look at. The insights don't disappear, but your ego will reappear. The ego by default makes you wanna shut your eyes. It's up to you, openness, memory, will to remember there is Truth beyond you could access at anytime. But the ego is resistence, so you'll have to work on it to merge the gap.

Words on a screen. Ideas on a mind. Feelings on a heart. Hallucination of life. Love dissolves hate. Actuality dissolves illusion. I always feared to know with certainty, for everything would feel mechanical. I keep all of you alive in my mind by interacting with you but it’s just my mind. But that’s only the start, my own personality is just as much an idea. And I’m crossing a border that I am afraid of. To perpetuate conversation is to perpetuate ego-survival. God is always and forms always change, some are homeostatic, projected aliveness. God is just conscious experience and all that could explain it, unknowable from within. I am afraid of a reality without identities but I knew it before I interpreted them into existence. I am starting to grasp what we’re doing here. Words are just pointers. I’m afraid to let go. But I won’t bullshit myself anymore with distractions. I am the fear here and now. That’s where I’m at.

I integrate insights, give them the benefit of the doubt, accelerate through perspectives, and keep losing myself in partialities. I can account for both sides of a duality by definition, but only that duality, a subset of capital R Reality which is non-dual. I thought I "should" give up thinking. But there are healthy holistic modes of thinking much deeper than that we talk about. To end suffering. I thought letting go is forgetting but that got me into the mess of repeating the same things mindlessly. Progress is consciousness: more context, more interconnection, less barriers, more perspectives, more understanding. Shadow work to flip reality into a 360 view. To accept all parts of oneself. To let anger, sadness, disappointment naturally flow. It's not to repress them. It's not to control them. They naturally dissolve when observed from a higher vantage point of context without judgement. That's the lesson I kept forgetting. I can forgive all the infinite past selves that I was before now in every second up to this one. I did my best in confusion of what's the right thing to do is. And I see that in everyone else too now. Doing the best we can with what we are. Forgive the past and be the flow of energy in the now that shapes the future by being itself in the present. I wanted to be so present, that I forgot my past. But my past is the memory that creates the present me. And by visiting it through writing and pictures and videos I am reminded of all the things I already learned that I forgot by forcing myself to shut down, which really made me indulge in negativity. But the context frees me. There's much to fully integrate.

@Ishanga You're right. I'm doing my best to fix that now

@traveler Thank you for replying. Only in hindsight do I realize how paradigm-locked I tend to be. It's a tricky topic when one approaches it conceptually. Solipsism is weird. I used to wonder if only my perspective existed. But every perspective is equally existent and we share an objective reality, as much as it is an inter-subjective agreement. And subjectively, we're humans who don't have access to meta-knowledge about each other's lives. And I can only know my perspective, but I can expand it by deliberately looking at more reality. There's more beyond me and yet I am everthing that is inside of me. On a god level, that includes everyone and everything. On a local level, that's also the case holistically, but its mere shadows, concepts, limited experiences. I am everything I am but I only know what I know. And I am far more present, feels very alive. Feels like I'm holding my breath whenever I do return here.

There are so many ideas floating around and I'm addicted to figuring out my nature. I saw multiple posts on the forum about how this dream emerges and it's a lot. I had two hefty ego-dissolutions on psychedelics, but one can always try to rationalize it with brain-disruption, the same mechanism that gets one into that state. It's a very convincing and consistent looking dream after all. But now I wonder if I didn't expand the dream in hindsight to cover up all the tracks. Or how I create it in the first place. Physical reality doesn't simply change when I think about something. I do interpret dualities and holons into reality. There is infinite potential for self-delusion. All physical reality is inside the brain and the brain is a part of physical reality but my experience is that of interpretation and projection. All is interpretation and projection, even under materialism, its some weird ass neural network information exchange thingy that never explains consciousness itself, just tries to map different aspects of it. I see how I imagine people, things, objects. I see how I imagine you, maybe I created "physical reality" for a sense of consistency and now keep it up unconsciously to immerse myself into. I created it from this vantage point of my experience. But what about all of you? I can consciously perceive and interact with you in superficial ways available to me through the senses I made up. But I am unaware of all that goes on behind the curtains. I don't know who will respond next and what they will say. Maybe it's an inner resistence through fear that I am unwilling to cross. What are others? What am I capable of? Everything I guess. I can simulate your existence in my consciousness as I do my own. But all this stuff, countries, centuries, schools, time, conflicts, vast ideas, sci-fi, movies, things that shock me through their imaginativeness. Am I creating that which I want subconsciously? That's really powerful! And then I imagine all of you talking about it, having your own lives, gurus existing, transcending, every perspective being expressed somewhere. What the hell? You're a figment of my imagination? And you're equally real as me, and I have to subconsciously simulate your life for it to make as much sense as it does. And what is Leo? Imaginary? Real? Do I simulate this world based on atoms now? Which makes everything far more consistent? Assigning all of you the same capabilities as I see in myself by virtue of making you equal to myself in vague human terms? But I know I'm real in the sense that I continuously witness myself doing stuff. Leo just pops up on the forum or YouTube for the limited time that I watch him. And Leo knows a lot and says he's God too. But it's really an all transcendent god that includes all of us. It's all equally real and unreal? I invented spiral dynamics subconsciously and projected it into a concept of the past to be created by some intellectual whose name I made up and all of that subconsciously? And here's the resistence part! The materialist brain. I can see how ALL THAT I SAID IS LITERALLY THE CASE REGARDLESS of if I'm god or not because even according to materialism, it's all just the brain interpreting patterns and knowledge into rudimentary sensations creating a certain arbitrary configuration that can be exchanged with any other configuration to create a different experience, and we're all literally just a self-contained homeostatic holon that realizes emergent properties and somehow is able to generate distinct qualia different from anything else, despite everything just being material on the bottom layer. As Sadhguru said "Only life knows life". And the simulation complexifies and I'm keeping it all up and somehow and remember it and I project these truths onto ideas like brains. So my mind spawned all concepts, ideas and people, like god and shiva, brahman but also all 7 billion people, which are just a concept really and the world is too until I start travelling and space is a barrier and new technology is due to my fascination and a desire for a more complete reality. And everything new has to justify everything that was unless I don't pay too much attention to it. And synchronicity is both playful and an attempt to make myself see "remember that one thing? ha! I remembered it, look at how retroactively consistent all this is!" This is so strange, I am so strange, this forum is strange, this is an idea, but somehow the most experientially close one, which is weird af. And I want feedback.

@traveler Yeah, it's pretty stupid, on the surface But going deeper, everyone is, is what a person is, is what relationships are, is what family is, what life is, what pain is, existence It doesn't really stop, there's of course ever more actuality on the lower layers of the holarchy from which stuff emerges But going Mind -> Emotions -> Sensations -> Body -> Knowing -> Consciousness It's a little too profound for me to see it in every part of reality. The desire is the same as with physical survival. Forms self-identifying, conscious projected self-awareness and identification through experience spawning a person

If you laugh, someone will shout at you. If you have interesting ideas, you're told to shut up. If you wanna start something, you're told to give up because others have tried. If you wanna relax, people tell you about their drama. If you wanna solve a problem, they'll overwhelm you with buts. If you wanna immerse yourself in an activity, someone will disrupt it and question its purpose. If you happen to be late, the boss will shout at you until you look distressed. If you're not stressed in general, people will take offense. If you wanna travel, people will tell you to stop. If you wanna leave toxic relationships or work, they'll tell you you're ungrateful. If you wanna study science, they'll tell you you're too stupid for that. If you wanna go for a walk, they'll tell you it's too cold. If you wanna try yoga, they'll call you a hippie. If you're successful, they'll resent you. If you're poor, they'll tell you to get your shit together. If you lose, they'll make fun of you. If you win, they'll spread rumors about you. If you wanna make a change, they'll call you a liberal. If you don't, they'll call you conservative. If the change is too big, you're a radical. Else a fundamentalist. It's legal to kill your organs with cigarettes, it's legal to numb yourself and kill your brain and relationships on alcohol. Psychedelics create a movement of love and peace, so clearly since happiness is illegal, you gotta outlaw that. Too disruptive. Can't have people being all lovey-dovey, better to put them in the prison–industrial complex for being too threatening with their happiness. You have to be serious, wear a suit, build up at least 20 million simulations of sophisticated lies to appear sane in society. You get homeostatically reassimilated at every turn. You get re-ego-ated at every turn, you get fed the same fearmongering at every turn. You are expected to work useless robotic jobs to earn impersonal cash that you're expected to spend on the same useless overpriced things and never try anything else. The thing we have to be conscious of is the reason why we seek spirituality, because we're not it. Why? Because we're being forcefully reintegrated through the social matrix at every turn. So we just have to account for all of that. That's not hard, the problem is that our mind tries to justify and take sides, believe in consensus, rationalize that it's appropriate. And then it's easy to lose oneself in it, trying to work from within the same system for something that it is designed to take away. Happiness is a currency, love is a currency. Teachings are disruptive, because we're intending to cheat the system and rewrite value.

Suffering is a feeling, same as pain and hunger, it is real(ative). Maybe you see god as the present moment devoid of interpretation. Then we have a duality of real senses/feelings/emotions and unreal interpretations and projections. In that case, you see the projected world as a dream but root sensations as reality. But you see, those might be "more real" as in being a lower level of the holarchy that emerges the rest... But all layers of the holarchy are equally holons, some are more fundamental but they're all made from the same stuff Which means there are ever higher levels of illusions but even the ground is illusory. God is really just nothing. Suffering is an appearance as real as every other appearance, maybe more fundamental but its as real as all else.

@traveler @Rafael Thundercat I feel like I've been here before but forgot. I'm contextualizing to remember.

I can try: Me as a person inside a world -> Me as an projection of desires onto a part of a world whose shape is human and senses -> Me as a image reflecting the world through a lens that is a part of it -> Me as in an inevitable constellation of a world experiencing itself -> Me as in conscious experience projecting a world and a self within it -> Me as in a holistic mirror and duality by design inside non-duality -> Me as a fractal perspective experiencing itself -> Me as a non-distinct experience creating the illusion of an observer through itself -> Me as in an infinitely divided and interconnected reality -> Me as in infinity being infinity and my consciousness being necessitated to be conscious so I'm conscious because I'm consciousness which is part of infinite being -> infinity infinitizing

The following text is flow. To break it into paragraphs is like breaking up a river so I didn't Bad is a subset of suffering, badness is a projection of suffering onto dualities. Suffering is undersirable, more, it's undesirableness. What makes the undesirable undesirable? Preference. What is preference? One state of anoner. Based on what? Homeostatic drive? Evolved sense of unease and a physical and psychological drive towards change when in a threatening environment for survival's sake. But what is threatening? That which stimulates pain? Pain is a sensation, a pointer towards damage. Damage is counter to survival. Death. Death is threatening. The threat of death isn't itself anything, but it causes fear. What is fear? A mechanism that enforces behavioral avoidance, elevated attention and discomfort. It's really the discomfort that bothers us. What is discomfort? Opposite of comfort. What is comfort? Being fine. What is fine? Being present without needs, being playful, calm, a feeling of being in love? In love with what? Existence. But it can be projected onto a duality as well and separated. Being is love. Discomfort with being is suffering. Suffering is not being content with being. But suffering is part of being, an energetic form of anticipation, an active drive to change. But change too is a subset of being. An interpretation, a configuration, the river is change. It always flows. But it doesn't suffer. It just flows. Flow is not suffering. Fear is an emotion but not itself suffering. Pain is a sensation but not itself suffering. Change itself is not suffering. Discomfort is not suffering. Suffering is only ever itself. But what is it? It's not seperate from anything else, it's an emergent property, a mindset, an interpretation, an intuition. But we clearly feel it, otherwise there'd be no word to reference it. Suffering is not wanting things to be the way they are, that feeling itself. Loss is loss but it can also be suffering. Pain is just pain but we can associate it to suffering. Love is love but we can suffer the fear of losing it. Attachment is just attachment, but it can lead to suffering, for reality is ephemeral. Attachment is preference is desire to remain is resistance to change. Inability to uphold it can cause suffering. Repression of desire causes unrest and can lead to suffering. Desire is already attachment, any thought is already attachment, any relationship is already attachment, any way of existing is already attachment, but we have the control to be able to let go of it. Letting go is a preference and bias that causes suffering if one is unable or represses truth by holding onto it as a belief. Suffering is in the fabric of existence, but we can change its intensity. To live is to survive and explore, to make decisions, to have preferences, to want not to die. Life is suffering. But it is equally love. Conditional love and suffering are a duality that determines our identity. What half of reality we want and don't want, what does and doesn't make us feel content. We determine that, we learn and decide to associate it. We decide what is and isn't fine. We may have preferences, but we can flow and channel our energy, to create, explore and dissolve dualities. Life has that property. And we can learn to be fine, unconditional love, but living is being a perspective. It's a journey. This all builds on suffering being undesirable, but is it even. It drives us to change, to become its opposite. To grow wise abd ascend, to realize. Resistance is suffering but is resistence even bad, is discomfort bad, is badness bad? It all exists infinitely connected but we don't have to suffer if we don't want to. We do it subconsciously, so we're fed up with suffering but I wounder what would happen if it was a conscious choice. Could one even suffer when one desires to suffer? Or would not suffering be suffering? But then it would make one content which wouldn't be suffering. Suffering is a force of dualitiy, separation, ego, and existence, it keeps our A.T. fields up, it's the opposite of gravity, but it's also relative and self-created and it's not bad and itself a subset of infinite unconditional love because its a form within it. The duality of conditional love and suffering dissolve in the unconditional love. Suffering enables form and existence, identity and understanding. Suffering is weird.

I am ever more aware of impulses and distractions. And distractions hiding as relaxation. And ego-mechanics like confusion wasting time figuring out what's authentic and not. If I work on something and feel the need to relax and do something else, should I? Or is relaxation a distraction? Or is that question itself a distraction from just being and doing whatever I feel like? But that feeling might very well be a sneaky mechanic trying to catch the slightest discomfort and resolve it with immediate gratification through another medium that it then attaches itself to through building dopamine highways. I feel like there's an unwillingness to focus on doing something, maybe a hidden fear, maybe a feeling that it will take forever, maybe my mind suggesting that I'm being way too rigid and not doing it optimally and not having fun while doing it which I should. Any suggestions?

@Jowblob Others have meaning because they're independent of myself, that's the illusion. But it's equally "real", because of simulated determinism. But all meaning is projected but also felt. Living creatures acts the same way regardless of interpretation and I know that lens well. I don't know how many layers of consciousness there are. I don't even know if I want to know, if I want to accelerate dissolution. I suffer because I lack, but it's because it only means something if it's real, else it's meaningless. That that creates suffering and appreciation. What can you tell me?

I am not my body but my body yearns to live. I am not my feelings but I know their meaning. I am not alive, but all life is dear to me. I am not dead, but I yearn for the void. I am not limited, but see worlds of limits. I am unaware until I question what I seek. “Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water.” My ego is afraid of becoming god, so I'll keep asking the psychedelic gods for guidance. And my proxies that you are. Loneliness and self-pity is always 2 moments away. So is the sense of calm. And so is excitement. I integrate the depth of experience into the breadth of context. But both are infinite. Unity and love can only exist inside Duality Where to take all this?

They're as true as you

The problem is, you're relying on the world beyond your control, but that world sucks. It sucks as long as it's out of tune with your needs. But it never cared about our needs. And what you yearn for most deeply is only ever based on what's inside your heart. The world is made of countless forms, and you've learned to yearn for those you lost. Being comforted feels good but can you see how impersonal that process is? We know nothing about you, not the trillion things that define you. Only you know. Grief and feel into the meaning you lost. And then take care of yourself, don't repress it.

@Judy2 Attachment, ego, addiction. You externalize and project feelings onto reality and then get distressed when it changes. But your feelings were never out there, you just learned to correlate emotions to triggers and now act as if they're real. What you want is inside of you, joy is inside, suffering is inside. Suffering is not wanting reality to be as it is. But that which wants it to be different, the difference is inside of you, you already have it. You just can't get it out there, because reality is just what it is, transient, ephemeral. Self-pity clashes with pride and you're stuck in limbo. But that gets you nowhere and only you know the meaning that drives you. Only you can appreciate what it means being you. Get yourself back up!

Maybe "I" didn't just appear as God. Maybe God created a whole reality, every part consciously designed. But what parts are first person experiences? I know I am. That beyond me is my unconscious, that what I know right now the conscious. That what I have access to the subconscious, Conscious and subconscious are subsets of the unconscious, the absolute unconscious that one could become conscious of and become god in the process. It is too intricate after all, even though it is equally true that I interpreted this existence retroactively. But it does not mean that I created it, much rather I have a limited piece of god consciousness because I'm a perspective within god, infinitely connected to the fabric of consciousness. So this entire reality might very well be independent of me as much as it is part of me. I am a self-contained holon inside of it whose consciousness has been limited in order to experience this reality. I may holistically interact with other conscious bubbles which are all parts of a larger unconscious. We are all products of our environment, we need the larger reality to exist first, in order for us to materialize ourselves from inside of it as our own conscious self split from the larger unconscious. So we're all holistic consciousness bubbles inside an unconsciousness see that we are all infinitely a part of and connected, to take shape we had to split into perceiver and perceived and I am not sure what determines what does and doesn't become its own bubble but we're swimming in a sea of unconsciousness becoming conscious by our desire to experience it, a navigational journey that connects us to ever more qualia and states of mind.

Two more Ideas! What if I'm imagining psychedelics as an excuse to allow myself to disrupt reality without having to realize it's an illusion! I've had this fear since I was a kid. That it's all deterministic and I shouldn't learn about movie making, game programming, art etc. because that would shatter the illusion and I wouldn't be able to look at these things the same way again. If I realized myself as completely conscious consciousness, there'd be nothing to hide from myself, there'd be no other, no one to talk to, no thing to talk about. Nothing to explore, nothing to imagine since I'd already know it. I can look at the stars and find them beautiful, I can create a fractal dimension and go explore it. But if I'm 100% conscious and there is no subconsciousness, then I'd know it during creating it. But I want to explore reality forever, watch new things unfold and have adventures. Breathe in the air and sunbathe on a meadow as a separate form. Or can I do all of that regardless? I don't know the mechanics I use to make myself unconscious, it's very tricky and that's on purpose! Maybe I was suffering for eternity figuring out what dream to dream and how to make myself unconscious to the fact its a dream. I don't know what is the right thing to do anymore. Maybe that's what all the NDEs are about, reincarnation too, to fulfill the desires god could not in one lifetime? And to get a self-imagined astral afterlife? Or maybe that's the default in god form, doing everything one wants to do but knowing its all deterministic? Or does god not mind that? I am here, maybe that's why?

Suffering is Unwillingness. Bliss is willingness. Learn to love discomfort but don't make an identity out of it.

I was trying to deconstruct reality but I was constantly working inside a system and any system is biased. The biases were: The law of equivalence, dualities must balance out, reality must equal nothing and follow entropy. But that's all ideas, based on experience which is t-truth, itself a subset of T-Truth and always has a counter of unexperience or anti-experience. Dissolving dualities is a duality, enlightenment is a duality, balance is a duality, duality is a duality. Everything is infinitely limitless and merged. But that's a duality too because we reality feels deterministic but our mind does not. Both dualities, I have to be groundless but that's a duality. To develop further, I'll let go of needing to let go. Realize the arbitrariness of any and all pointers. Intuit in-between, be infinite to be infinite.

@Davino Thank you, I'm going through it now. I see, let me rephrase it: I will let flow the parts of me I feel to have neglected, and let go the resistence that keeps me discontent through by holding onto barriers that I no longer seek to perpetuate.

What god are we talking about? A subject god? A person god that can suffer? A god that feels? A god that carries biological intents? A god that imagines humans? Or a god that creates the universe and humans losing itself in it as one? A god that is a vessel for experience? A god that is the experience? A god that is pure being devoid of emotion? Or a god that somehow acquired emotion and projected it onto a universe simulation? A god that forgets? A partial god? Complete god? What even is a complete god? What is not god? Are emotions part of god any more than forms? Is the mental aspect more god than the form aspect? Are we god? Are we a subset of god? Are we a simultaneous multi-projection of god? Does base god even have emotion? Does base god even carry understanding? Does base god remember? Does it learn? Does it already know everything? Is it evolving? What's the nature of this God? How did it acquire its first forms? How did all forms evolve? What is this mental qualia of desire and emotion, suffering and bliss?