Keryo Koffa

@Jowblob Others have meaning because they're independent of myself, that's the illusion. But it's equally "real", because of simulated determinism. But all meaning is projected but also felt. Living creatures acts the same way regardless of interpretation and I know that lens well. I don't know how many layers of consciousness there are. I don't even know if I want to know, if I want to accelerate dissolution. I suffer because I lack, but it's because it only means something if it's real, else it's meaningless. That that creates suffering and appreciation. What can you tell me?

I am not my body but my body yearns to live. I am not my feelings but I know their meaning. I am not alive, but all life is dear to me. I am not dead, but I yearn for the void. I am not limited, but see worlds of limits. I am unaware until I question what I seek. “Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water.” My ego is afraid of becoming god, so I'll keep asking the psychedelic gods for guidance. And my proxies that you are. Loneliness and self-pity is always 2 moments away. So is the sense of calm. And so is excitement. I integrate the depth of experience into the breadth of context. But both are infinite. Unity and love can only exist inside Duality Where to take all this?

They're as true as you

The problem is, you're relying on the world beyond your control, but that world sucks. It sucks as long as it's out of tune with your needs. But it never cared about our needs. And what you yearn for most deeply is only ever based on what's inside your heart. The world is made of countless forms, and you've learned to yearn for those you lost. Being comforted feels good but can you see how impersonal that process is? We know nothing about you, not the trillion things that define you. Only you know. Grief and feel into the meaning you lost. And then take care of yourself, don't repress it.

@Judy2 Attachment, ego, addiction. You externalize and project feelings onto reality and then get distressed when it changes. But your feelings were never out there, you just learned to correlate emotions to triggers and now act as if they're real. What you want is inside of you, joy is inside, suffering is inside. Suffering is not wanting reality to be as it is. But that which wants it to be different, the difference is inside of you, you already have it. You just can't get it out there, because reality is just what it is, transient, ephemeral. Self-pity clashes with pride and you're stuck in limbo. But that gets you nowhere and only you know the meaning that drives you. Only you can appreciate what it means being you. Get yourself back up!

Maybe "I" didn't just appear as God. Maybe God created a whole reality, every part consciously designed. But what parts are first person experiences? I know I am. That beyond me is my unconscious, that what I know right now the conscious. That what I have access to the subconscious, Conscious and subconscious are subsets of the unconscious, the absolute unconscious that one could become conscious of and become god in the process. It is too intricate after all, even though it is equally true that I interpreted this existence retroactively. But it does not mean that I created it, much rather I have a limited piece of god consciousness because I'm a perspective within god, infinitely connected to the fabric of consciousness. So this entire reality might very well be independent of me as much as it is part of me. I am a self-contained holon inside of it whose consciousness has been limited in order to experience this reality. I may holistically interact with other conscious bubbles which are all parts of a larger unconscious. We are all products of our environment, we need the larger reality to exist first, in order for us to materialize ourselves from inside of it as our own conscious self split from the larger unconscious. So we're all holistic consciousness bubbles inside an unconsciousness see that we are all infinitely a part of and connected, to take shape we had to split into perceiver and perceived and I am not sure what determines what does and doesn't become its own bubble but we're swimming in a sea of unconsciousness becoming conscious by our desire to experience it, a navigational journey that connects us to ever more qualia and states of mind.

Two more Ideas! What if I'm imagining psychedelics as an excuse to allow myself to disrupt reality without having to realize it's an illusion! I've had this fear since I was a kid. That it's all deterministic and I shouldn't learn about movie making, game programming, art etc. because that would shatter the illusion and I wouldn't be able to look at these things the same way again. If I realized myself as completely conscious consciousness, there'd be nothing to hide from myself, there'd be no other, no one to talk to, no thing to talk about. Nothing to explore, nothing to imagine since I'd already know it. I can look at the stars and find them beautiful, I can create a fractal dimension and go explore it. But if I'm 100% conscious and there is no subconsciousness, then I'd know it during creating it. But I want to explore reality forever, watch new things unfold and have adventures. Breathe in the air and sunbathe on a meadow as a separate form. Or can I do all of that regardless? I don't know the mechanics I use to make myself unconscious, it's very tricky and that's on purpose! Maybe I was suffering for eternity figuring out what dream to dream and how to make myself unconscious to the fact its a dream. I don't know what is the right thing to do anymore. Maybe that's what all the NDEs are about, reincarnation too, to fulfill the desires god could not in one lifetime? And to get a self-imagined astral afterlife? Or maybe that's the default in god form, doing everything one wants to do but knowing its all deterministic? Or does god not mind that? I am here, maybe that's why?

Suffering is Unwillingness. Bliss is willingness. Learn to love discomfort but don't make an identity out of it.

I was trying to deconstruct reality but I was constantly working inside a system and any system is biased. The biases were: The law of equivalence, dualities must balance out, reality must equal nothing and follow entropy. But that's all ideas, based on experience which is t-truth, itself a subset of T-Truth and always has a counter of unexperience or anti-experience. Dissolving dualities is a duality, enlightenment is a duality, balance is a duality, duality is a duality. Everything is infinitely limitless and merged. But that's a duality too because we reality feels deterministic but our mind does not. Both dualities, I have to be groundless but that's a duality. To develop further, I'll let go of needing to let go. Realize the arbitrariness of any and all pointers. Intuit in-between, be infinite to be infinite.

@Davino Thank you, I'm going through it now. I see, let me rephrase it: I will let flow the parts of me I feel to have neglected, and let go the resistence that keeps me discontent through by holding onto barriers that I no longer seek to perpetuate.

What god are we talking about? A subject god? A person god that can suffer? A god that feels? A god that carries biological intents? A god that imagines humans? Or a god that creates the universe and humans losing itself in it as one? A god that is a vessel for experience? A god that is the experience? A god that is pure being devoid of emotion? Or a god that somehow acquired emotion and projected it onto a universe simulation? A god that forgets? A partial god? Complete god? What even is a complete god? What is not god? Are emotions part of god any more than forms? Is the mental aspect more god than the form aspect? Are we god? Are we a subset of god? Are we a simultaneous multi-projection of god? Does base god even have emotion? Does base god even carry understanding? Does base god remember? Does it learn? Does it already know everything? Is it evolving? What's the nature of this God? How did it acquire its first forms? How did all forms evolve? What is this mental qualia of desire and emotion, suffering and bliss?

I don't know. Try asking god. But you're god. Too immersed. I became me. How? I don't remember, or maybe I do. Not conscious enough. Maybe I have to do it again to figure it out. But that's hard as a subset of myself. Dissolve and undissolve and somehow remember? Use proxies? It's hard...

Psychedelics open you up to your sub/unconscious. That is how they can help you, by making you in tune with the parts of you that you repressed and realize and feel the reasons why you did, which you can then integrate and dismiss. But truly, psychedelics by themselves are kind of everything: an amplifier, a relaxant, a harmonizer and an indulger. So yes, they make you aware of your whole being and you can access all parts of yourself simultaneously and deal with trauma. But what matters is the conscious intent, awareness and state of mind. They amplify senses and emotions and you gotta know what you're getting yourself into. They relax the mind muscles to let experiences flow and merge and at the same time give you incredible control over your body, mind and emotions. But paradoxically, they equally take that control away by overwhelming you with the exact things that boggle you and make you a vessel for unimaginable experience. So yes, but be careful and start small. Psychedelics are a means to speedrun reality. Originally, they have been used in rituals. Depending on the dose, you might be just more enthusiastic or more aware or existential or lost or unable to move and stuck in infinite regress. But they are a direct and effective way of addressing your neuroses and deconstructing your unconsciously self-imposed suffering. It's just that it's a big change and you have to be ready for it. Essentially, start small, have a calm and unjudging person as a sitter, that helps them navigate their trauma, have the right setting, no distractions, no obligations to distress the mind, good personal music for harmony, inquire with simple questions to get to the root of their trauma while being understanding and collected. And have them consciously focus on solving their problems and not get lost in thinking. Psychedelics are basically a self-improvement speedrun. The reward is far greater but its a lot at once to take at once.

I'm sure Leo and others talked about this, but until recently it was just a belief for me, a mere possibility, but now I've had this experiential intuition. That I and this experience is a subset of all possible experience within a grand infinite consciousness that I am always connected to by existing as a form within it. That all of reality is equally a construct. That if I made a video game, that character wouldn't be conscious, but if I did a good job, they'd be behaviorally indistinguishable from any human. But they'd only be conscious because I'd play the game and imagine an identity that I'd experience by pretending I am them. So reality and behavior and reductionism and neurons are a configuration of experience, but I'm always the consciousness behind the experience that makes it possible to exist at all and emotions and love and desire are all projections on top of the forms that I interpret as homeostatic emotional organisms. And I identify as an ego which is a subset of experience which exists within consciousness, which gives me a lens. So consciousness pretends to be ego. And if I change my diet, exercise, sleep, or take psychedelics, I change the mind state and experience that difference instead. But I don't know how I create all this, I am a character within the game after all, trying to jailbreak I guess. But I put myself here on purpose? What I really wonder about, is the nature of the consciousness that made this dimension. Was it an intent or a chance? Did it have emotions and ideas before it became me or just learned them through my lens, a part of itself that was an arbitrary unexplored dualistic configuration within infinity. But my grandest question is whether it remembers this experience in the grand scheme, all experiences really. This is a bias of knowing and navigating that I project desirably upon it. In the grand scheme, its kind of arbitrary to remember infinite arbitrariness. But its something I would want. To evolve. Because the I that I happen to be is evolving. I know if I write a story, I'll remember the characters and their feelings but will also forget, but it will be a part of my grander subconscious. Is it the same with the source?

@Javfly33 The brain is what deludes you into its own limitation, changing its chemistry and realizing that arbitrariness can wake you up from that illusion.

@Davino I started to breathe deeply and stretch my body, my senses returned to a state I remember from my childhood, ease and beauty of feeling the air and being present and aware of my environment. I carry a lot of pain with me but I'm in tune with it now, no distractions. I've felt extreme loneliness for most of my life, I was too self-conscious and everyone was too immersed in whatever they were doing that I never had anyone to talk to. Then I met a lot of people that meant the world to me and I lost them. I was extremely idolated until recently. I have been authentically interested in the nature of reality once but in the last years it was really just a convenient distraction, an alternative goal, a means to escape, to dissolve myself away. But everything I lost is still inside of me, it's not the same form, but it never disappeared. I cried a lot, I'm becoming more aware of that which means so much to me that I've been running away from. I feel more alive than ever. Psychedelics shake you up. I was confused, scared, alienated, tired, fading in and out of existence, but I wouldn't call it a bad trip. It showed me many unique things. It was a unique experiential dimension that went totally beyond, but as uncomfortable as it was, I kind of enjoyed it. I had the constant idea in the back of my head not to resist, though I was scared the trip might have taken days and I'd be running into people in that state. As my awareness expands, my holistic understanding increases, my experiential memory integrates and I open up to ever more of myself, my perception of reality is filled with ever less limitation, fear and limiting beliefs. And I won't be relying solely on psychedelics and contemplation anymore. I gotta "be", breath, presence, cold showers, healthy diet, free expression of emotion, taking care of my body, jogging, dancing, authentic flow with that what I want, asking myself "why not?" ever more often. Just do that which I intuitively know to be good for me and integrating new experience without the need for rigid categories, less thinking, more being. More feeling

Integration. Meta. Patterns. Stop. Everything is in me. I was as deluded as ever. I shook myself up. I experienced the arbitrariness of existence first hand. I am everything I want to be. I have been holding back. I created resistence. I do not want that resistence, it's an aspect I control, can learn to control. I'm sorry for the data dump. I am strange, I want the energy flow, I want to be one with my feelings. I don't need excuses, I exist outside of thought, I want to be more existent and less resistant. I can be it, I can learn it, I want to take care of myself, I want to love. I want to flow. I want presence, more presence. Love.

@Yimpa I want to be what I want to be, which is complicated but simple. I'm working on it by becoming that which I already am more consciously but losing consciousness in the process. It's all just different energy but I lesrn to allign it with ever more holistic context-awareness.

The trip lasted 6 hours, I accounted for 24 since it's the largest dose I ever took. It started in the bathroom mirror, I heard myself thinking to myself a casual negative sarcastic playful homeostatic banter. I responded with awareness, positivity and questioned its negativity. But that part of myself that I was trying to change by doing so was defined by being that way. If it changed, it would die, but it's also illusory and immortal so I talked with them some more until I quieted down. I sat on the bed in a meditative pose, it felt seemless and I was reasoning through existence at a nice flow, understanding the context at each step as it was all nearing a singular unity. I was cold, I needed to pee alot, I was standing in the middle of the room. I was extremely aware of my body and instinctively expanding its capacities. I started rotating my hands and arms clock and anti-clockwise at unimaginable speeds, it reminded me of the horror movie "the thing", where the amorphous monstrocity grew organic whip like vines, to twist and catch for lime to assimilate. I stopped, I stretched out my hand, I stretched my fingers opening, becoming more radial, stretching out away from the center. I was aware that I could have gone beyond my limits, I was aware that I might have broken my hand but what seemed scarrier, potentially overwrote its configuration to become something alien, morphing its physiology like Tetsuo forms an organic/scrap type body in Akira. I was cold, I went under the blanket, I put on my airpods and started whatever music was on, which was breakcore. I went through the 8 distinct avatars that I know within myself, personalities I identified a long time ago within myself that could perceive all of existence through their unique lens and go on indefinitely, never feeling like they missed something, only me being aware of the different domains of existence that seperate their nature. One that breaks free and revolts against mechanical delusional suffering. Another that once I recognized as wholesome, now seems like a self-perpetuating fool. Another whose self projection and meaning quest could generate the most terrifying of forms. Another that was locked in a self-created paradigm of seeking the truth eternally because they did not realize their own illusion of desiring seeking itself. Another was about to be dismissed just as reluctantly, but being defined by pure flow, they reversed the polarity, and it hit them reductionist mechanism itself that I was in judging all these personalities within myself so haphazardly. Another, a self-morphing, infinitizing, qualia genrating field of awareness. And then another whose toxicity I recognized in their excessive self-annihilation and expectation of perfection. Lastly one that I identify with as a holistic projection of myself that holds it all together that did not come through closed eye imagination, but actual action of walking. After I was done reasoning through the personalities inherent to my experience that I wanted to create art to externalize for the longest time, I lied down with excessively alienating breakcore tunes and immersed myself into a world of organic forms, similar to cellular life in shape, scale, form, dynamicness but far faster, like a world inhabited by actively self-evolving morphing monstrocities fighting for dominance. I saw the scarriest expression and shape I could imagine, like a living plant simultaneously and precisely morphing itself and raising a thousand tentacles which all open eyes and teeth. I realized though that it was intimidation, seeking to distract me from transcending myself, so I dismissed it. Then it turned into the most pityful humane creature that was begging not to die and asking for love. I saw though, that even that was just another mechanical distraction of a self-perpetuating ego. I left it behind all the same. I became nothing. Then I became a memory, memories, only capable of remembering one qualia at a time, first it was the distinction of being male and female, then it was shapes like circle and triangle, I remembered my context ever so slowly. It felt like I was merged, all forms simultaneously, I felt great arrousal, but not bodily, it was a state of mind, a state of being, a state of feeling, consciously biting my lip and finger on instinct while remaining in that state. I intuited that it felt good and good is a duality counter to bad so homeostasis would kick in soon. And it did, I felt something like dissatisfied but rally just unable to be present. From time to time, I ran to the toilet, it was like all my worries were being flushed away, but I also felt vulnerable and that I shouldn't remain there for ever, which comfort would drive me to. Somewhere I intuited that conscious existence is hard and all good needs to be built on bad, to walk up in order to jump down, yoyo, tennis ball, gravity, plasticity, back and forth, counter balance, equal and opposite reaction. As I was lying beneath the blanket shivering, I looked around me and became the objects, but existentially, I became an energy pattern, I became not nothingness, I became separation, I became a wave, distortion, different memories flooded back, but I could only perceive and recall one at a time. I saw myself and my parents, what it meant to be a parent, feminine and masculine energy, my refusal of the limitation of such a form and then equal reaction, dissolution and the acceptance of the do not know of the wisdom inherent in those forms. The drive to dissolution and the drive for creation. A sense of self was forming but it was breaking apart. I feared my brain had melted into an uncomprehensible mess, unable to make sense of itself in time to survive in the life that I intuited as a general subconscious continuity. I wondered if I should drink water, water is a core foundation of life, so I drank water. I thought whether to eat the mix of nuts, it's nutrition but calories, I wanted energy but I already was energy, I was really just eating myself, integrating myself in myself. I remembered plants, I remembered animals, I was plants and animals, I was myself evolved next to myself eating myself, the shapes of fruits, veggies and nuts reminded me of my organs, I had to negotiate my terms of existence and my right to eat them by prefering my form. It was all organic, I saw DNA type structures, I thought about encoding, I saw everything as encoding, computer programming seemed to childish compared to dna and gene expression, life adaptation, epigenetics, to encode one's very being into the fabric of oneself. I was highly partial, I could not see the whole, I felt like I was 5 neurons, trying to form a bridge and failing over and over. I had an intuition that I only had 24 hours to be confused and that timer was encoded in the phone screen. But I was constructing the phone screen, so it felt arbitrary, time changed however it wanted. The entire time, I was trying to hold a system together, crossing all of reality, I had to encode my knowledge and have it last and be complete against any form. I had to be infinite and limited, I had to go somewhere but only ever to myself, I wanted to be immortal, but it had to loop every 24 hours, I could speed up but speed was an illusion, I desired but the desire was just a carrot on a stick, of self-perpetuating not-being. I could just be instead, I had to be instead, I had to trust that I'm fine, that ego-death and dissolution are the right path, that desires exist to be reconciled but can immediately be dissolved by awareness. I was continuously self-annihilating myself. The room became weird triangular energy patterns, external reality as I remebered to my previous ego was really just putting a blanket on top of reality and noticing bulges, like dents in spacetime but the perception was so low. I remebered my mom, I knew she was imaginary, my dad, also imaginary, my aunt and cousins, also imaginary, filling the shapes that I become to make myself feel fine, but that's a distraction, I am nothing, I am fineness, but I was not content, or rather, energy was flowing, I was changing. I craved to get out of the room, it felt like solipsistic hell, but to exit it was to delude myself and that outsource the responsibility of being and awareness to a dualistic unconscious, it was unreal, it was indirect, it felt stupid. But I craved an external word, solid shapes, material limitstion, I let that energy flow, I did not resist it. I could sense the table with my hand but was immediately exhausted by it and lied down. This pattern continued, I started craving homeoststic behavior, doing and resting, being angry and then sad, these differences felt delusional and nonsensical but the energy was flowing towards it and I was fine with that because I made myself believe at this point that to go with the flow is the right thing, it reduces suffering and I can be fine despite change. I wanted a hug, but could see how such self-indulgent desire would never end, but I accepted that feeling, I accepted my vulnerability, my fear, my emotions for exactly and only what they are, seeking to manifest themselves through forms snd attach their essence onto. My energy was wavering but conscioisness was coming back, more each time, ups and downs, waves of more aware snd then fading away, and finally it stabilized. The extreme abstraction and access to my environment became more distinct, divided into forms, an overflow of sensation, perception, less interconnection, less abstraction, more raw form divided against other complex form. But my holistic understanding also came back, all the holons of navigation, the vast and aware interconnection that sees instead of being and has a more grounded perception, a larger capacity, a bredth of interconnection of interpreted form, rather that singular becoming of a distinct form or thought devoid of context. Appreciation for the capacity of complex pattern-navigation from a stable ego configuration. I went into depth, now I'm interconnecting into bredth. I am only ever myself, suffering is ignorance and hesitation to change, the abyss is one glimpse of awareness away. I like form, I balance my capacity to create more and to annihilate it, there is much I haven't let go of, there is always some desire, formlessness is a possibility and a root reality, an always present truth. My new fear to overcome is that of unknowing, I need to make peace with the possibility of forgetting and suffering. That is an aspect of me, as long as I remember, I am fine though. Fear of the unknown is really just fear of change is really just fear of self is really just seperation is really just duality is really just difference is really just negation is really just different equations that all equal 0, 2-2 is also 0, different but same but still different but really same. Universal frequency? Quantum entanglement? 3d?4d? billion d? As long as it equals 0 its all the same I am me, I don't want to be me, that's why change exists, it perpetuates conscioisness which is a process, static is dead, dynamic is alive, homeostatic is life, everything id the same, the difference is imagenary but real. There is no distinction except for the distinction that is itself, just a different form of nothing, but difference is illusory. In other words: I love conscioisness. I love myself. I am myself until I am not in order to be conscious of being myself, a different self because I love hating myeself too because I really just am everything. I am amness. I'm issing. Essentially, I humbly appreciate the role I gave myself, the highest holon to integrate all holons, top down, out of being because not-being is just another form of being which is and is not nothing. Peace out! And in!

The more existential I get, the more straight forward the answers seem. Deep down beyond all the shapes and forms, everything is made of the same fabric, consciousness. Consciousness explores itself through the lens of its forms, believing itself to be partial in the process of bending reality through a lens of self. It seems purpose is not the right word, rather it is a property of its being. The property of consciousness is consciousness, there must be something to be conscious of, else no consciousness. And through that understanding, the purpose of every duality is only awareness of itself and the appreciation of its form in contrast to the rest of existence. Though we are human right now, and humans have complex homeostatic desires. Still, what is suffering? Not getting what you want. Because what you want does not allign with what is. This is because you have a preference, an identity due to your limited perspective, in other words ignorance through unconsciousness due to limitation due to a limited lens for consciousness to exist in the first place. Unconsciousness is necessary for consciousness and the integration of dualities. In other words, consciousness expands its awareness through understanding and contextualizing limitation. This process is infinite as it can be rewired arbitrarily and that's just one base reality's infinite interpretation through its specific forms. So why suffer? Suffering is a duality. It's opposite is appreciation. No suffering, no appreciation. Why fall into unawareness? Out of ignorance. To become aware and wise. To appreciate the difference. It seems appreciation is woven into the fabric of our being as our purpose. Life keeps perpetuating itself, but there has to be a point at every generation, else its meaningless. The point is to be conscious, experience and appreciate. Life is a structure within consciousness and inherits its being, the drive for conscious existence and exploration. It is homeostatic, with a bias for survival, and as a result, seeks to self-oprimize. In the process of doing that, it suffers and learns to appreciate the difference. In the end, everything is nothing and an arbitrary configuration of the identityless source. Yet that source learns itself through its infinite forms and not just imagening to be them, but literally becoming them, warping the rest of itself into an "other" in the process. Suffering is not wrong, ignorance is not a glitch, unconsciousness is not bad. It's all aspects of an infinite being exploring itself without bias. But from our human understanding those things are very unfulfilling and limit our potential, so we rightfully seek to transcend them. It's the right perspective, from our perspective. Everything I am now, I wouldn't be and couldn't appreciate as deeply if I hadn't suffered for it. At the same time, there are diminishing returns and one really wastes their life away at some point. It's a balance and I'm doing the best I know how.

So I was thinking (yes, I know thinking is a sin here), that when I think of consciousness, I smuggle in the duality of Self-Awareness. But that is contextual to the self-duality and content of consciousness itself. Though it seems consciousness is synonymous with awareness, but not self-awareness, that's an apect of identity and form. I know all of existence is a fabrication within consciousness, but I'm not aware of the mechanics that create this specific manifestation. My awareness is limited. It seems that source consciousness is split. This reality is too consistent. Its consistency has to be simulated beyond my awareness in order to include all the people, phenomena and timings that I myself am becoming aware of by experiencing them from this limited lens. It seems there is a larger consciousness (god) that I'm continuously awakening into. I am wondering about how far the fabric stretches, it is infinite after all. Are there different stages like proposed in NDEs? Does my personality difectly dissolve into god upon death or does my experiential self-awareness continue to integrate and create new dualities from that vantage point as the next stage of a now "duality-aware god" Maybe its more partial than that and I reincarnate, I know consciousness is somehow localized to this body's vantage point creating a perspective out of it, it is the only one I'm aware of at this point, but all others must be simulated as well and there's no reason they're not equally conscious, just outisde my present limitation. All ego-fascination of course. But if there was nothing to it, we wouldn't be here. Forms exist within us to be explored.

@Squeekytoy First I didn't know, I was experience, then I believed myself material and separate, then I imagined myself an emergent property, then I realized every experience is inside that peoperty interacting with the external, then external felt unseperated from internal, then I was confused by the consistency and specificity of experience as if it was filtered by a lens from a vast source, then I saw consciousness as more fundamental than anything else and now fear pops up when I think I'm the only current present experience, but also confused because I'm not nothing, but this body and mind is made of the same stuff as any other. But I'm unaware

@Squeekytoy Anything I write is a rationalization. Anything I say duality. You inspired me to stop Thanks for putting holes in my delusion (Intuition) This part of the forum is mostly about opposing other's ideas, to dissolve their bias.

@Squeekytoy It doesn't need meaning and of course all meaning is interpreted. I'm really just breaking down the projected experience into fundamentals sufficient enough to interconnect the vastness of phenomena holistically so that I and others can use it as a bridge towards giving up the need for separate explanations. One path that interconnects all makes it easier to navigate out of the loop that one is entrenched in through millions of beliefs that each contribute to resistence. It is equally biased though, just focused and minimalistic. Push it over and the others fall as well, if one can shift their awareness to it. But also, its an equally valid interpretation, as all are, the problem is our reluctance and preferences to navigate perspectives without attachment. And there is still a disconnect within me that seeks meaning that I need to get to the source of in order to allow myself to let go of it without regret. From a human lens, everything has meaning, its an interpretation of a nature onto existence. But you can't say that it's not true either. Redqundant perhaps and indirect but meaninglessness and meaning are both a duality, and just as I realized this, it collapses. In the end, existence exists and that tempts us to find meaning it, by intuiting the emotions that arise within.

The idea of being god has deeper roots. You are not aware how you're conscious, one can experience that. Chasing oneself through layers of unconsciousness, you realize there are no borders, everything is projection, consciousness is fundamental, your identity an arbitrary configuration. Everything is only ever inside consciousness, but we are only aware of a subset, of this human life. Even in materialism, where consciousness is considered an emergent property of the brain, all of known existence is internal, you're just a brain, what you see is all intrrnally constructed, you're a black void, a singularity that filters fields of energy and creates qualia. But there are no colors, no sounds, no people, no qualia, it's all a projection of a physical primordial neural circuit based of electrical inputs. It develops for years through endless interactions of trillions of hypercomplex neurons before its coherent. What you see right now out of your eyes is literally imagination, all of it. You're a configuration responsding to another, or really just another part of yourself, because identity is variable, and you are consciousness. And that's just limited materialism for you, there's more beyond. Your simplicity and reluctance to accept weird notions of faith are a good sign of critical thinking. Don't be defeated though, it serves no purpose. You should be happy and do everything to make your life better. Life is complicated but it doesn't have to be. We try to understand reality in reverse, that's where our confusion comes from. Fear too and ego, attachment, anxiety etc.. It's just that there are many beliefs inside of you that you don't question, because you're not aware of them, it's good to be critical but one has to include everything and to do that, one has to become aware of that or awaken to it (awakening). Don't dwell on your confusion for too long, look at the specific thing you're stuck at and imagine how you would confirm it, but really, if it doesn't make sense, it's because you skipped over some steps or brought in wrong assumptions. Actualized.org and spirituality in general are about deconstructing the self and there is much to deconstruct.