Keryo Koffa

@DefinitelyNotARobot If the diagnosis is that I'm the Matrix, what do I do about it, doc?

Everything is as real as I know it to be, am I shaped by the zeitgeist or the zeitgeist by my experience? Are you only as real as I'm willing to engage with you, ultimately as real as me, and I can probably infinitely subdivide myself further if I wanted to. The pointed to god is a state of contentment that generates out of abundence, the exact abundence that offsets my existence. If everything I ever loved is real but imaginary, true but arbitrary, then that's pretty beautiful because I wouldn't want to miss out on the infinity of material and immaterial experience outside of it either, or just be content for a while or discontent though I'd like to be somewhat content in my discontentment if possible.

@Princess Arabia I died in one of my dreams, I dreamed I was in a room and felt week, I seemed to be very old and my breaths got shallow, I knew I was about to die, I saw a woman and children run towards me, I intuitively knew they were my daughter and grandchildren, I slowly lowered myself onto the floor and I felt a sense of calmness, I knew I was about to die but it felt very peaceful and I didn't experience any pain, my breathing slowed down as I faded from that realm into another, one of darkness, but I was still conscious and I saw a person appear, I don't remember much from after that, it was years ago and I woke up right after. @Razard86 I'm consistently trying to expand my perspective but when I try to understand the way I am in hindsight, it appears as if I discover ever greater meta-patterns that run through my entire life. And it's like: The way I am now is highly influenced by the way I act and the situation I'm in, but that one only arose from the experiences of past years, but it seems that I could have potentially had so many, or have focused on so many of their aspects, but specific ones got highlighted, which have grown me into a specific direction, and when I wonder why, I return into whole areas of 8 years ago, and they were a reflection and antithesis to the way I lived two years before that, and that experience was the most profound experience in my life, from beginning to end, but it was only so because of the way I was when I entered it, and that was caused by the person I was due to the experiences I gathered, and those were in turn caused my on overarching pattern of positive and negative experiences that shaped my personality, and those link to my childhood, and the reason I was the way I was then appears because I had natural inclinations to begin with, but did I? Core experiences from my early years led me to that, but it seems that potential was always within me and I always had a specific focus, preferences and an inclination to filter experiences along specific lines, and that was the reason I behaved as I did. Furthermore it seems that filtering of perception and meaning is something I was born with. And the reason I was is something I try to understand in hindsight and the way I relate to other people and past personas seems to correlate well with reincarnation/karma and psychic continuity models, irregardless of their nature since continuity along psychic lines is as valid dimension as any other when it comes to the continuous morphing of the experienced universe and its properties and that which we most notable are, states and configurations of conscious experience filled with specific tendencies. In a way, I changed quite a bit, in another way, I'm constantly gaining ever greater clarity and appreciation for who I am, in another way, it seems I never changed one bit at all, I'm like a tree, I grew branches but the stem is the same. Sometimes I feel it more strongly than other times, but as I try to expand my sense of self, I intuit that every person inside this world, if I went through the exact circumstances they did and felt the same way they do, had all the exact experiences and was shaped by the same forces, I'd be them and act identically. And when I run through that thought while talking to someone, it feels very profound and almost like I'm switching into their perspective in real time. Yet they don't have my experience and I don't have theirs, I do not know in conscious detail what they feel inside. The sense of continuity is fascinating really, the background knowing awareness, irregardless of specific details or if you can remember anything at all, but just the knowing that you're you and that you are.

Split myself into a conscious and unconscious, so that I could surprise myself and appreciate reality from different angles of self-discovery towards potentially infinite growth and exploration. The unconscious part would shape my experiences without me knowing, creating highs and lows and guide my overall experience. I would split my psyche and become others, yet another layer inaccessible to even my subconscious, on a physical level, they would be simulated by the same overarching godhead that I am and that is absolute consciousness of which every persona is a self-perpetuating experience, so they'd be as real as I am. There would be both a personal and overarching reality and a consensus space that would allow for vivid and real interpersonal experiences in a physical reality while each person after their death would remember the entirety of their experience and have the power to create new reality bubbles completely of themselves or interact with others if a connection was welcome. The immaterial reality before the absolute God would be equally infinite in potential, though each piece of consciousness on its own could determine how far they wanted to subdivide, expand, interact or merge their experience, even into the absolute. There would be an infinite amount of checks and balances involved that would create a greater harmony, yet give each consciousness its own autonomy. It would be a vivid universe of autonomous beings shaping their experience with infinite potential of overlap, creating finite avatars and overarching realities that would emerge their own spirit, turning it into an infinitely vast interconnected universe allowing for each desire and each possibility to evolve, every link to be established and infinite knowledge to be accessed or reduced to shape any kind of experience imaginable to the extent that one desires it. Maybe that's what I created, maybe that's what I will create, maybe I made it so we're all part of it now, maybe I did it beforehand, maybe in hindsight, maybe on the go, but I desire others to exist, and I desire the ability to share and become anything and I desire to exist and to change and for all my past versions and for all the other people and all potential future selves to exist on their own right, for infinite communication and every possibility to occur and fill the universe with life. And I am conscious, so I am God, but if could chose what God to be, that's the god I would be, which is human and alien and sovereign and equally a part of an infinite amount of other gods. I'd do it out of love for that which I am, as much as that which I am not and the unity of both.

There are things happening that are undesirable granted the lens through which one looks at them. God seems to balance everything out for the greatest good. But what is the nature of good and bad? Is it that bad doesn't exist as every intent is good to the ego that has it? Or is it that good and bad are arbitrary? Or is it that bad serves good, so that bad experiences balance the world at large towards greater good? Or even that good can only even exist in contrast to bad? Does bad simply not exist or is it a necessary evil towards greater good? Or is bad the necessary fabric for anything to exist finitely in the first place like any duality. People suffer, you suffer, I suffer, those experiences shape us. There is a difference between pain and suffering. Maybe suffering creates empathy, maybe it teaches us lessons, maybe its the spice of life. But it exists and god created if not the bad itself, then our ability to perceive good and bad and to suffer in and of itself. Is suffering itself bad, in order to guide us to good and a better, more fulfilled, more whole version of ourselves, a path towards godhood that expresses the limitations that bind us from him, the absence of love that drives us to infinity? I can suffer and God "only creates good". So does that mean that suffering in and of itself is good, or is it good because its a necessary means towards a greater good. Like dissatisfaction that drives and shapes us towards a greater and more expansive and understanding version of ourselves?

@Breakingthewall I have biases and it's hard for me to let go completely, though I tripped three times on double-heroic doses of psilocybin that felt like amnesia. The first time, I felt overstimulated, I look at my phone messages, they seemed to disappear and reappear, I would send them and they'd disappear as if time was rewinded, the time as seen on the phone remained the same not matter how long I waited, the minute wouldn't change. It seemed as if I could accelerate time and hours would move by and messages would arrive only to be reset and the time was the same as before. I was restless, felt like my consciousness would disappear forever if I went to sleep and the remaining body would run on autopilot. I was packing my backpack and the next moment, everything was outside again, and I repeated and I kept resetting, my phone disappeared and appeared different places, I made notes because I could only keep two intentions and memories in my mind simultaneously. I learned to let go and ease myself into waiting it out. On the second one I was extremely disoriented and scared, I clinged onto a few concepts like duality, difference, loops, I was immersed in imagined sine waves corresponding and explaining phenomena in reality. I felt like I wanted to dissolve all dualities, I saw a triangle, felt that meant duality and the upper vertex was god, and I became that point and there was nothing. I recollected myself somehow and looked at a random actualized.org post and all the comments looked like hieroglyphs, when I focused very hard on words they were repeating something akin to "there is no self" or "you are not self", I wish I continued to look but I felt so fatigued, I could barely move and could do nothing but to fall asleep and reawaken with the energy to be conscious for a few seconds and fall asleep anew, lasting longer next time. My environment began to look like the surface waves of liquid mercury, grey vibrating surfaces. And when I thought of something, I became it and couldn't identify it since I was too busy being it to make sense of it, like the image of a place or person. I remembered my parents existed and felt like they represented parts of the psyche and that I was not living up to their and my expectations of what I should be doing and capable of since I was basically incapacitated. On the third one, I remembered the second and didn't fear it as much, I remembered sensations that I had on the previous trip. I still felt fatigued and like reality was dissolving into incomprehensible disconnected concepts and feelings and that I could not use the entirety of my psyche as I usually do but I was aware of that and navigated intuitively without needing to think or make sense, I just knew what something was by focusing on it. I felt and visualized an image from my childhood driving with my parents through a dark forest at night looking at pine trees and felt a mysterious emotion from my childhood, when reality was far more vivid, unknown, alive, spirited, mysterious, animated and that fascinated me. Ultimately, it's hard for me to know what to even look for, what sensation to focus on, if I just lie still thinking of nothing, it's like I'm in my base state just feeling a little dizzier than usual, as soon as I do something on high doses, or look at something, then nuanced emotions and ideas come to me. But it's extremely rare that my peripheral changes form and I mostly feel intuitions. Intuition that reality is infinitely interconnected, or that a looped string is god, intuition that I might be a puppet master controlling everything subconsciously, that I'm doing myself a disservice by awakening because I'm unconscious on purpose else why would I be, that god is the superset of all subsets and so forth. What I'd like to ask you about is the distinction between first-hand experience and the usual imagination that includes things outside of the normally constantly occurring stream of senses like sight, hearing, touch, gravity. And what it means to be reality or infinite, how its constructed or willed into experience, whether you have control and can build a bridge between those states of mind to navigate. What it means in relation to this world and how it changes how you live and what you do or the reason behind those. And what I am to you, since I am conscious in my experience absolutely, but then how does that relate to the infinity I infer from you?

Another part of it is the idea Leo mentioned, that the ego constructs fear to maintain a limited identity, which can manifest itself in the feeling of wanting to stop doing psychedelics. So I thought: "Okay, no matter how terrible I feel, and maybe especially when I feel the worst, that's exactly why I should trip, to feel as bad as I can feel, in order to integrate that and as a result also experience the flipside of that". But then, when do I stop? I feel like I've done this enough and I'm not afraid of doing more, but that I should leave some room for non-psychedelic integration, adjustment and reset tolerance, and also max out and break the limits that I have to the extent that I can without psychedelics and push myself towards that as hard as possible.

My consciousness is the only absolute I can know right now at my current state of un/awareness. Leo talks as if there's just one observer and maybe he refers to absolute God, but it seems he says that the currently conscious avatar is the only one in existence and all of reality only exists as a bubble around it simulated in a minimalist fashion only as far as it is psychically convincing. And that nothing exists until the godhead consciously wills it into being in the present, as time is only an idea projection of current awareness. And that others are like a mirage, a reflection of present awareness interpretation of self-projected form. But I wonder, doesn't God have to know and simulate the exact life of everyone else in order to make this a convincing simulation, in which case, is God not simultaneously consciously everyone to the full extent that it's not just the avatar's field being rendered but all entities and "non entities" as well, every blade of grass, every overlap of perception between all observers all equally consciously created by god, in which case, how am I the only conscious entity? Aren't all entities, projected or not equally conscious as experienced by god in order to simulate around the avatar, in which case everything is experienced, in which case every other is as real as me and an equally conscious entity, that is a subset of the god being that creates the whole experience? And then there are other Godheads, as featured in the "Infinity of Gods" video. And Leo says that he might have his godhead and I might have mine and that his godhead made contact with other godheads like mine and those fused into a meta-godhead, while remembering the individuality of sub-godheads, which are sovereign on their own, though somehow the distinction becomes imaginary. And then the godheads are supposed to help each other out if the collective dream turns into hell, as experienced by their avatars which is themselves in finite form. But that gives godheads a unique identity, doesn't it? So then, if Godheads are by themselves sovereign and they can share a collective dream, then how do I know what another godhead's avatar is compared to just an illusion, if there is even such a thing as an illusion as it all seems equally real. Godheads are infinite and unbound, they only bind themselves if they wish and are infinite, and know all that is knowable, I imagine them as reality bubbles. But then, how many Godheads are there, could a blade of grass be the avatar of a godhead, or a squirrel, a human, a DMT entity, could it be that the entire universe is conscious not only because a local godhead has to simulate it for its avatar but also because it is inside a collective dream of which each godhead embodies a different aspect of reality as a conscious entity and each godhead can link other godheads through their avatars, while their local conscious focus maximizes the experience of reality and balance of the meta-structure of the universe. So then when I interact with another human, Leo would say they only exist as a perspective relative to me, but if they're another Godhead's avatar, am I not equally a perspective to them and then are they not just as real as me, or even if it is just a reflection of me, outside of my bubble of awareness (my godhead), might they not exist irregardless as a conscious experience simultaneously only currently unexperienced. And really, aren't all possibilities the case irregardless of whether they're materialized or not, like the Mandelbrot set in mathematics. And then, even if Godheads know everything, isn't there room for more infinity, since they might know every number on the infinite scale, but beyond that there's infinite space to create a psyche that filters patterns around selective lines. So then, maybe my current perspective is a fractal mirror of a localized materialized godhead avatar, but am I not equally arbitrary and doesn't imagining others make them real and can they not exist outside of imagination, in the unknown or unexperienced, as one can invent infinite experiences, along infinite patterns and then infinitive those infinitely. Wouldn't each consciousness, exist equally conscious as it all can exist so it must exist and is all simulated only relative to each other WHICH MEANS THAT EACH EXPERIENCE IS FULLY CONSCIOUSLY EMBODIED BY GOD, irregardless of the current avatar's sovereign consciousness? So then, an avatar could be its own Godhead, as if there's room for more godheads, then as above, so below, so maybe there is a cycle of reincarnation or maybe the NDE experiences are real or maybe there exists a formless psychic universe full of sovereign entities that interact with each other as I interpret from "Seth Speaks". That each consciousness, equally real and valid chooses to materialize itself in a type of play and develops itself more fully in-between lives being a vast multi-personality energy gestalt, of which each individual is a part, and yet conscious in itself simultaneously. It's really fascinating. Anyway, that's the end of my conceptual proliferation for today, tell me what you think and don't give me the Buddhist "stop thinking and become nothing" attitude.

I'm afraid of the responsibility. I've really just been hiding. I've gotten the intuition of god many times on psychedelics but it feels like I'm constantly postproning it. I was about to pray multiple times, but I wasn't sure about the contents because I feel that asking for something to happen is selfish so I keep overthinking and backing away, double guessing if my wishes should really come true, I treat it like an emergency button and all too often feel unworthy of it. Especially since I have the natural path I can walk and I might be asked to be more selfless in return. I feel like I should be spearhedding some kind of movement to do something for humanity or the earth, but there are many passions I have and I feel like with that responsibility there'd be no room for me left. What would you do, how do you see it, what advice would you give me?

@Paradoxed @Davino I feel as if I'm not doing enough. That I should make an effort to change to world to a better place. At the same time, I am aware that it is difficult and every person had a different perspective on what's ideal. I do feel that because I have the capacity to do something to help save the planet, or help the homeless, or do volunteer work or take on a humanitarian profession, that I am morally obligated to do so. At the same time, my actual interests push me towards art and technology, in a light of explorative curiosity. And that's where I can challenge myself, create nuanced expression and dedicate myself at full focus without the regret of wanting to be doing something else. I would pray for health, though I'd feel partially guilty since my health is something within my control, so I'd be offloading responsibility for something I am capable of influencing out of laziness, and that I would feel ashamed to ask for. But my deepest and most intimate desire is not actually something material at all. There are others that I lost contact with and some of which died that I miss deeply and the connections we made drive me forward and give me meaning. What I'd pray for is the ability to visit them in my dreams. And if I could do that, then I feel like I'd be set for life, since those bonds are all I ever wanted. That would fill me with energy, though it not yet being the case, I wonder if that has a reason, whether I'd turn complacent if that which I desire the most was given to me. But I can't stop desiring it.

Hitler did what he did because it was the best he could do granted what he experienced and how he made sense of it. And the same is the case for all of us and every living being. We might get restless and regret having taken some paths over others but we only did because we didn't know any better, else we'd be different. And ultimately, the only thing keeping us from god is our level of consciousness. All suffering is due to our limited sense making and perception/desire filtering aparatus that is our body, environment and the psychic forces that shape our identity and every fiber of our being. We can always do better and wrong behavior does exist, each is responsible for bettering themselves and we can grow in hindsight but the interplay between understanding, consciousness and environment determined the past to be no different than it is and didn't allow for a different possibility to exist than is currently the case. In the end, we all do our best, if it seems we don't, it's because the intensity of the internal psychic turmoil is not easily visible and the circumstances evaluated from an outsider's perspective appear different, simplified, abstracted. Everyone stuggles, everyone's deluded, everyone does their best they know how granted their perspective and everyone deserves happiness.

My experience is locked into the lens of loss and death. Many people I loved disappeared or died, I have become very isolated after a lifelong process of it repating over and over again and I exist in a state of conscious anticipation as a result. I had become unable to do much at all. On psychedelics my lenses expanded, life flowed into me, reality became spirited, mysterious, fascinating. But when it comes to that part of me, the deepest core of my heart, it now stops me from making any significant progress. I've always been one to overthink, reality was always 1000x more intense internally than externally, independent of external circumstances. And now its not even human death and pain that grips my heartstrings anymore, the empathy has expanded, I see a beautiful flower bloom and instead of appreciating it, I am saddened that it will not last and live like that forever but will wither and disappear. I see little creatures like spiders and I feel their lifeforce like it was my own, I see even non-life like a rock at a place and time in a configuration so natural and infinite that it saddens me if that configuration were to change. Life is change but change is death. If I were god, I'd make every life inside of me immortal, I'd give every single part of it the ability to chose its own configuration and fullfil every desire without limitation except for the limitation it would consciously impose upon itself. To be conscious, to live and exist and appreciate, one changes, and life must change and any change is death but to navigate, one needs to forget and remember, to see partially, to intensify certain experience over other past or future experiences held in the subconscious. Time is space. Death feels very real and its painful for me to think about it. It also feels necessary for an experience to exist and progress, to take shape and change it and form anything coherent and meaningful, if I could only see it as a change of form, if I could believe in an afterlife to not despair to the cascade of overlaying every single experience through the context of fearing to lose it, of fearing to make connections, of prematurely grieving the loss of someone and anyone I see. Through this lens, I cannot be angry at anyone and I feel instantly connected to everyone and everything independent of their character and actions, knowing that anything done is ultimately done out of love and that love eventually dies with the one who expressd it, leaving nothing but a trace memory. I feel like everything is already dead infinitely and I'm grieving the greatest love before it even has the chance to reach its peak. If I am god, or if I'm a self-contained god holon, if I am the only thing in existence or the only thing I can know, if everything is a projection of my own self, if I can eventually after the dream unravels unite with all that is inside of my experience and has been "lost" during my life, then that would contextualize my present experience as shaping my psyche and exploring meaning and experience, death would no longer feel sad in that regard. At this point I am mostly sad not for me but for the pain of others, though others might really be a projection of myself, but that does not undo their validity. Even if all of reality was a dream, I would not rest until it got a happy ending. Everyone has a different idea of what is good. I'd want everyone to be autonomous and follow their own desires in their own reality with the ability to enter all other realities simultaneously. Why am I limited? Why is there so much pain? Can god not conceive of a happier reality? Or is having a meaningful experience the ability to bear ever greater capacities of pain and empathy. Is Earth the training ground as NGEs call it? Is this experience as good as it gets? Is there a point to this experience I'm having, or do I create that point in retrospect, or was it always accounted for, or did I make myself forget having accounted for it to experience it authentically. My highs and lows are both growing, I feel like each day I'm reinvented and experienced more than I would previously have in a lifetime. My rigidity is lessening, I feel more attuned, present, after I let it out I feel better, but I keep coming back to this state over and over again.

I thought about the dreams and my past, how I formed my identity, how I navigate reality, how unconsciousness exists and the meaning I found within my past experiences. How many times I was despairing and found significance in my dreams. And how that created ambition and drive within me, shaped me in specific ways, gave me freedoms and opportunities and lessons and on a meta scale evolved me and my understanding from all the lowest lows to all the highest highs. And that I want to learn to consciously create my dreams and explore them since its a dimension far vaster and more malleable than waking experience. And I thought about my past self and his unfulfilled desires. And I want him to experience those, but I changed, "a man cannot step into the same river twice, for he is not the same man and it is not the same river", but if I recreated myself would that even be the original or a copy, that one despite being like my past self would not be me but if I were me I wouldn't remember the current me, so I couldn't fulfill my desire of fulfilling his desire, yet both must exist and be fulfilled and also hold their own integrity. But what I can do and I do not know how yet is to be the unconscious part of my past self that shapes his dreams and unconscious parts of his experience. But now I realize I might already have been that one all along without having even become it yet. I've always wondered where the unconscious is, how I can move without knowing how to move, how I can abstract and forget, how every thought and idea enters my mind seemingly at random, and especially recently on psychedelics and ketamine, how doing anything comes with a sense of inverse kinematics, that I do not consider each muscle strand in my body but perform a desired movement automatically, without being conscious of the details. And I intuit that there is a self aware of everything that has to pull the precise strings to allow all that complexity that I am unaware of. And that doesn't invalidate reality and freedom as I feel it at all. I can do what I can do and my awareness is always present focused on the ever next thing in question. In fact, this makes the experience feel less jarring. I've recently been breaking down at the concept of death and the pain of others and also have been trying to reconcile the idea of solipsism and the idea of suffering and why god would allow it. But now, if the experience is focused on me, then I can see that I am teaching myself that lesson, I am also shaping my experience, others only exist inside of my experience but they are as real to me as I am since they are aspects of myself. Every person is a potential self who walked a different road, every animal is a creature with different inclinations, every country a different lifestyle. It always seemed to me that I was born at the crossroads of time, as we are approaching technological singularity, that I got to experience a far vaster array of experiences than people of the past, that I am in the perfect place to be and experience to become the self that I am, whose viewpoint I can only appreciate by being that self that very self that I am. I picked up so much on actualized.org and I'm reconciling all these ideas and potentials and many more in my mind trying to make sense of it and it seems that the currently conscious self that writes this is a version of a vaster developing self that creates its own experience from the future, from the past and from the present simultaneously and has freedom in all these domains. If this is the case, a huge stone would be lifted of my heart. I could see that it was me all along, that no one had to suffer but myself. That I was creating myself through the negotiation of potentials and that I will not truly die but only change, so I can stop grieving and beating myself up and actually start living now.

@Breakingthewall I will be trying it soon, in the meantime, can you tell me what egolessness means? Reality is vast, psychedelics can distort even the fabric of perception, DMT reports list entities and other realms, regular ones change and expand the way one can feel, perceive, make new distinctions or dissolve old ones. It seems to me that whoever did 5-MeO didn't "stop" existing or the "actuality/reality" didn't. I know that thoughts and beliefs shape reality. I also know that in both the materialist and psychic paradigm, reality is constructed mentally. So then, what exactly does 5-MeO specifically change, does it introduce maximum clarity and knowing without warping the fabric of reality, does it make you fully in tune with the present moment without the need for present and past to take the spotlight, or show that only the present exists and it does perfectly without needing to be altered or escaped, does it intuitively convey reality as being chosen and accepted to be this way, or is it something else. I know I can't know until I do, but I can open myself up more in the meantime.

@Breakingthewall I've been experimenting with psychedelics and dissociatives lately, though I didn't get my hands on 5 meo just yet, but I'm getting there. I kept having "bad trips", it's because the truth is vast and paradoxical, I was wondering "Am I supposed to be this way or that way, neither, both, both and either and neither, a balance, which balance, is balance balanced, this balance or that balance, or a balance of the balance. I also had to go out and get some practical experiences, get my life together, since it was and still is a bottleneck. Can't have open desires and expect to be unbiased. And I'm become aware of "feeling", I used to be very rigid and mechanical, but with feeling its like my subconscious handles all the infinite complexity and I might not know exactly how it does it but reality is infinite so I'd never have enough time to figure it out step by step and in truth steps don't exist really and are really just a simplification and conceptualization of feeling, there is a chain, like the branches of a tree and if thought is a branch, then feeling is the stem, encompassing all the possible branches simultaneously, formless, like infinity encompasses all numbers, you can see numbers and build an intuition, but counting to infinity doesn't end, you just have to abstract, but you can understand all of it simultaneously as the concept itself. After I dealt with some real life problems and I still have many, my trips, mood and motivation skyrocketed, before I felt like everything was futile, massive ego backlashes and fatigue, now I'm making progress, I'm remembering my past trips which somehow escaped my memory despite being profound and invigorating, I'm glad I recorded them. I've had three double-heroic doses up to now and they all resulted in a state of confused amnesia, where I felt I'm failing, incapable of doing anything, not enough energy to even move and can only see a singular frame at a time and only hardly make associations, like it's all condensed to a circle within a frame, and I can imaging two or three circles at once on a black background or them merge into each other or with the frame but not much else than that, or think one concept at a time, or see my surrounding and think like a kid would, I see my computer and think "what is it made of?", I answer metal but it doesn't mean anything, I just "feel" that its hard and rigid and technology but its an instinctive reaction and technology just feels simple, like a singular vibe. Though it seems after hitting extreme lows in my mood, self-esteem and feeling like I'll never be able to deal with life or do anything worthwhile, on the next day, I bounce back to hype motivation and can integrate and progress tenfold, and I'm even adjusting to that pattern itself so when I trip again, I actually have confidence, because I know what is to come and that all these doubts are an arbitrary mind game and I am able to keep that awareness all the way through and not get lost but actually focus and discover how reality feels and changes in the new state of awareness.

@Breakingthewall What you're telling me is equivalent to: But that's actually pretty charitable since I can use tons of different circles to match an owl if I got that reference but the problem is that I'm at step 1 and there is no reference, I don't know what an owl is, yet I'm supposed to draw one and all I know is that circles will get me there. If you tell me to look at a fractal and tell you what it makes me feel, I'd tell you it reminds more of mirrors, it's infinite, the colors or qualia is mind-blowing, it has interesting properties that I can describe like "as above so below", phenomena repeating but in unique ways, that it can warp and change in fascinating ways I haven't experienced in the reality I'm usually accustomed to, that even the idea of a fractal feels so alien, that it gave me an insight about things existing outside my awareness, or remind me of a black swan event, that I am limited by what I know and unimaginable things exist that I didn't experience that I can only know in retrospect after it enters my experience over which I don't appear to have any control except for receptiveness which really just ups my chances of not missing something and so on and so on. That feelings compared to thoughts are extremely complex, that they are like inverse kinematics that forward kinematics (thoughts, science, ideas, philosophies, behaviors) are modelled after. That on psychedelics I feel like inverse kinematics, I don't move each joint at a time, but all of it together subconsciously, that I was always able to do that, to do without thought, that maybe that's infinity, and thought is narrowing it down and getting tied up in the limitation later believed to be real.

@Breakingthewall If it was this easy, I'd already be there. Here: "I let all ideas and beliefs fall for the next 5 minutes". Nothing happened, I wasn't sure if to focus on nothing, stare into the void, be present, see objects, not see objects, I still hear the wind, I still see things, if I close my eyes, I see dark, if I try to unfocus I feel my heart pulsating, ears ringing quietly, if I dissolve all concepts, I still feel phenomena and stuff, distinct something even if without category, I can imagine how everything connects in a million ways, I can change borders of what things are, I can chose not to make distinctions at all. My experience doesn't change though my interpretation does, on psychedelics reality can expand or contract or both, inverse kinematics. But I don't change dimensions, though I do get amnesia at hyper-doses, personality, feelings and context change. But I have absolutely no idea what "letting go of the mind" actually means, it's like telling me to teleport to "Gnarkohh" and neither do I know how to teleport nor do I know what the name or place is supposed to be. I can open myself up to things but what else am I supposed to do to "let my mind fall", nothing? Well, how do I do that, or not do it or experience it or unexperience it?

@Breakingthewall It sure feels like understanding is the epicenter of a metamorphic universe, as I try to understand, or that understanding bubble expands, so do the boundaries and scale of the universe due to divisions. But I had another large trip today and it had a similar effect to two previous ones where I tried hyper-heroic doses: amnesia, confusion, overwhelmed and scared, unable to move, I've been struggling with immense ego-backlash lately, though it also led to great growth. But I don't hallucinate as I expect of reports, though tree branches merge into a fractal space and it seems like I can somewhat look through objects or at least intuit what's behind them through broad awareness of light reflection. But while I have expanded my understanding of the world greatly and made sense of many things on sub-heroic doses, on post-heroic I am just fatigued and confused, but reality doesn't warp as much as others describe it, nor do I enter DMT-type realms, though I've only tried DPT. It feels like I don't allow myself to hallucinate away even if I want to explore the depths of the formless psyche. My intuition did many times tell me about what you describe, to dissolve into nothingness, at those times I wanted nothing more than to resist it, but my fascination did lead me to repeat these encounters. I can see how there's no room for duality if one is to realize the united nature of reality, it's still difficult for me to get though. Though I do bypass many filters that I previously had, yet I'm inclined to put them on time and time again, like a sine wave, but I feel like I'm becoming more at peace with accepting reality no matter what way it is, though I still have lots of karma to burn.

@Razard86 @Breakingthewall Sorry, it's a bad habit I have to overcome. Every time I have a psychedelic trip I realize a new perspective that recontextualizes reality in a way that feels very profound and I feel like I have to write it down because I usually lose the feeling in the base state and am not as convinced anymore, it frankly feels quite embarrassing how indulged I am when in the middle of it. Basically, it's a mental model/perspective of the relation between current personal conscious experience and the concept of a godhead or the nature of the universe at large. It's me trying to conceptualize how creation and ego work and where experience and insights come from. It's an idea about synchronicities and how unique qualia/experiences/insight arise in direct experience in response to realizing broader patterns from the overarching reality. That the inside of the mind (imagination) corresponds to the outside (experience) and exists at both places simultaneously and there's an input lag between something already existing externally and becoming known internally by virtue of the unknown (unexperienced externally perceived world) entering conscious experience and intuitively becoming part of it. So then the universe exists before it is known and slowly becomes more conscious, known and perceived as ego expands. So the unexperienced physical universe is basically corresponds to the unconscious mind space. So in other words, the universe creates all the vast amount of experiences which the ego then experiences, and the ego might want to feel original by inventing something itself but it's a top down process, and the unconscious is materialized and observed unconsciously externally before it becomes conscious. This might seem very trivial, but it felt very profound to me, as I still had materialist inclinations, but with this I found it much easier to identify with the universe at large by seeing it as an extension of my own ego which I still feel to be a human experience due to the perspective but now I can see that the entire universe is really just my unconscious mind, experience which I am infinitely interconnected with and created of, and being able to relate to the "physical" universe that way really shifted my perspective of self, which I used to see more as a localized bubble before, one which is a black box connected to sense organs, but now that barrier has encompassed the entirety of existence, and that just really shook me up. Sorry for the long post, I know there are infinite perspectives and they're all relative and biased but this recontextualization meant a lot for my perception of the world.

It's almost like the universe materializes all I'd like to experience outside of myself so there's nothing for me to do, yet as a kid though I always was extrememly introspective, I used to be more involved, that felt good. If I tie myself down to anything, I feel less, but if I don't I feel I stagnate. I feel tied down by the reality that materialized, like it carries its own momentum and its alot though that mental belief might be overcome

The physical universe is a manifestation of my subconscious exapnding in infinite dimensions and I'm the epicenter that is self-reflexively created as a median average ego persona which I've been believing in and letting itself unfold for as long as I remember. Whatever thoughts come to me can only come because I've become aware of them through my environment and self-understanding which was given form to in far greater terms to let evolve without bias in order to form all the possibilities from which I can choose. All of it simultaneously from the present into the past and the future since all there is, is my level of understanding. As above, so below, my will materializes itself long before I make sense of it as an organism but I am simultaneously aware as the universe of the origin of my desire that materializes everything. So now I understand why it's so hard to live with certain beliefs. My originality is something I've been trying to compete with, I'm competing with myself in god form and feeling bad about my art not matching the greater reality that spawned it. I'm trying to shut myself down from external reality to look within and dull out externalities but the universe is my open mind self-expanding. The probabilities I focus on as the epicenter of it all will always bring it all into reality, so I can really just let it all happen and do things out of love and joy because whatever emotions I focus on is exactly what will materialize in reality, so I want to explore that all deeper now.

So this human form is a way to experience that self-exploration but actually I'm the entire universe that spawns from my psychic self-exploration.

The Truth of Belief. Reality is exactly what I believe it to be, materializing itself in all the forms that include the doubts, counters, synergies, others on a universal scale with me as an ego at the epicenter, the configuration of the universe is ego-dependent. This intelligence is much more efficient and way higher than my thoughts, they're materialized seamlessly without me ever having realized it.

Imagine being god, then creating a reasonably seeming universe for life to exist in, and then creating all the fear mechanisms to keep it attached to its identity, in order not to dissolve back into you, but on the way, that lifeform doesn't appreciate that anymore because it feels disconnected and cannot see that the pain is literally the same thing that keeps it existing. And as it pulls on the string of identity to understand itself and solve its problems, it realizes it's just you and now its trying to cover its tracks being ever so grateful for its renowned sense of existence and its appreciation, you want to dissolve into ignorance in how you create the coherent stream of qualia that you interpret yourself across as the limits of your own being keeping themselves alive by distinction and boundries.

This time I'm reminded of the Buddhist path or as Yoda would say: "Let go of everything you fear to lose" but then also pull the carpet of "letting go of needing to let go" from under you. "Before enlightenment: chop wood, carry water, after enlightenment: chop wood, carry water". I really don't wanna leave my identity/thoughts/ideas/emotions behind because its kinda scary how impersonal and "sterile" reality seems without them, like a random simulation, or even a material world without a consciousness to perceive it. But to understand anything at all, you have to transcend the system that encompasses a duality and impersonally observe what is happening without judgement, and that will dissolve a lot of previously comfortable dogma. It also encompasses the ability of accepting ideas regardless of whether they're true or not. For example, I'd like to continue existing in some shape or form after death, whether as god realized, reincarnated, as an astral form or whatever. But all of these are concepts and I can only speculate on observations, metaphors and wishful thinking. So I keep imagining a Buddhist master asking me why I would need certain ideas to be true. And oftentimes, I don't want to think about it because I'm scared of losing something, and I do, but at the same time as far as I know, I'd lose it anyway at death and questioning and expanding my consciousness doesn't really take anything away from me, as much as it dissolves the barriers within me. The contents still exist and are liberated because of it to take any other shape and form and I am always able to come back. But to truly accept and entertain the notion of taking a look outside the paradigm that includes something I'm attached to, it feel like jumping off a minor cliff. It's like the idea that if I mastered everything, I could do anything, but maybe no specific thing would be worthwhile to do anymore. Like I won't be able to realize my desires because my ego holds me back but if I let go of the ego, the desire might dissipate. Though that might really just reveal the truth. I am getting more optimistic though at allowing this process to happen. My awareness bubble of senses/feelings/thoughts is but a small subset of reality and possible experience, and although I try to solve all my problems from inside of it, I always end up at the mercy of the grander world which I am interdependent upon. So in the end, what happens happens regardless of what I want to happen and usually for the better. My ideas are faulty due to their limitation which is by design for me to be able to exist in time and space at all. Otherwise there would be no outside to observe and interact with to ponder and wonder at, to lose myself in. Everything is infinitely interpretable, is god materializing top down, or consciousness arising bottom up, or objects interacting middle through, psychic or material, its all united and interconnected at all layers in some shape or form, does life evolve complexity to survive better, or is survival just a step in the evolution towards a beautiful expression of experience. In the end, nothing is guaranteed and everything operates on faith at some level. I just gotta have faith that doing my best reality works out and not to be too obsessed with outcomes but enjoy what is, and how exactly is an infinitely complex question that nobody could live if they kept thinking about it to infinite detail.