Keryo Koffa

Each month now, I look at the past one and find it insane how much I changed. Recently, I gave up on my greatest desire and neurosis, loneliness, to find someone who I can connect with on a deep emotional level and understanding. I was looking for it for as long as I can remember. I'm an only child and felt very isolated even when I was 5. Throughout my life, this made me very needy but also uniquely appreciative of friendships, but I've suffered each moment I was by myself and it seemed like something that could never be fulfilled, as I'd always seek more of it and would feel doubly terrible when disconnected. But now I let go of that external desire during my last trip, it was painful, sad, angry, I projected a part outside of myself into the world to be united with, I yearned to turn the suffering into ecstasy at the reunion, yearned for a soul mate. To integrate that part back into myself and surrender that massive energy felt like giving up, like sunk cost. But then I felt free, empty, content. It had been an endless desire I could continuously appreciate and suffer for eternity but would never fulfil since the mere presence of such a person would make me joyful, but any even temporary disconnection miserable. I realized the pattern of externalizing desires in form of projection and in the act of disconnection depriving oneself of joy. I realized the pattern of suppressing childhood trauma and looking for ways to cope with it. I realized the rigidness, stiffness, energy blocks that arose from creating a sense of separation. Inherently, I don't even see the action of projection and reflection as a negative, for a child it is the sense of play, throwing a boomerang, externalize a piece of oneself, observe it, modify it and reintegrate it into the whole. But the way one goes about this and the belief in the absoluteness and objectivity of such action not being an internal projection but an inherent separation and true reality is what creates massive suffering, that lets people project their desires onto reality and chase them outwardly all their life, becoming insecure, fearful, aggressive and addicted, discontent, miserable. Now that I identify it as the frontier of meaningful action, to recollect and reintegrate all parts of myself that I project outwards internally by becoming aware of the illusion of separation and arbitrariness of desire, I seek to surrender. Desires are arbitrary, I could imagine wanting to be an astronaut going to mars and I it's something I could act upon but in reality I may not be capable of it. I may want to grow wings and fly, but I don't see that happening. There are simply goals and desires too large to fulfil, or what if I wanna murder everyone, impulses that just aren't realistic enough or even desirable enough to be actualized externally. And because there is at least one thing that I can't do and one can be happy despite that, may as well expand that paradigm to include all desires and find contentment. This all of course is overcoming trauma and doing shadow work but I can already imagine finishing that process at some point and why not progress steadily to the next paradigm. What comes after surrender of all desires and the built up skill to dismiss them as they are? I would become nothing but unless that makes me dematerialize from this world, I'll still be existing here. If I change my paradigm from fearing unconscious separation and conditioning my happiness on external action, then what's next? Sure, I can become a monk, but that sounds kind of boring. Boringness might be a projection of unintegrated parts distracting me or maybe its a natural healthy state of a lack of trauma that leads one into a positive abundance paradigm of creating a life purpose. I do have a life purpose, but I want to free myself of the need of it and instead do it from a paradigm of boredom, passion and maximum present focus. But then I might be missing lots of insights, paradigms and spiritual concepts that limit my current perspective, so then that's what the post is about: Expand my mind

@r0ckyreed Contemplation is great but it's like combining various ideas, while meditation is opening yourself up to new ones and going beyond the mind into the realm of pure experience. Not to say that I have experience with that, I've been too impatient to even start, but now I will. I wonder if it can get you anywhere near psychedelics. Also a way to compare them is like chugging energy drinks to get things done vs receiving a massage.

@Ramanujan First of all, don't buy into the loser-winner paradigm, it doesn't serve anyone. Those who identify as losers don't take action and waste their energy complaining, self-sabotaging and creating an unpleasant limited life for themselves while those who identify as winners have to constantly stress themselves about maintaining status and becoming workaholic, narrowing their experience and appreciation of life in the process. Secondly, use books as guides, don't worship them like gods and do actively incorporate their lessons mindfully, but don't limit yourself to any single narrow perspective for too long. Whatever you do, go through feedback to make sure it works out. It's just concepts, you decide what makes sense and test if it does, identify diminishing returns and question everything. Thirdly, if coding is your passion, then why aren't you excited to start your life now? You should be exhilarated to have found something you find enjoyment in, most people waste 1/3 of their lives hating their job, 10 years even if overwhelming is still better in comparison to that. Especially since you can now enjoy it. Also, don't worry about the future, Singularity will hit us 2050 at the latest and then none of us will care about any jobs anymore. Last but not least, why do you want to be rich, can you visualize the things you would buy, cars you would drive, places you would travel, houses you would own, what is it you want to spend it on. Please tell me it's not solely to show off or prove yourself. If you can visualize all these things that money would get you and are enthusiastic about them, then you just start exercising your imagination and that will fuel you to start doing. Also, you don't have to be rich to do many of these things and oftentimes we create our own limitations when there are many opportunities. Be clear about what you want. Also, for every millionaire that makes it, there are 10.000 that don't. It's a pyramid scheme, you better have plans on transforming reality if you're aiming that high.

Regarding the nature of reality including objectivity and subjectivity, I find myself learning much from Seth and finding much confirmation in my psychedelic experiences. It doesn't contradict Leo either, and also feels like the kind of reality I would create if I tried to have the best of all worlds and go really into depth and create the most complete and limitless version of the universe and explain all that I know of. One might be able to claim confirmation bias, but all I read is mind expanding in its nature of potentiality and that bias can be applied to anyone and anything irregardless of circumstance, especially through the concept of unconscious beliefs. I'm still integrating insights from Seth. The idea there is that all of reality is made of units of consciousness scaling infinitely across all dimensions, coming together to form a reality. They form gestalts as you and me, there are alternate potential and probable selves also distinguished by frequency, intent, imagined past and choices but there is no real self, just seeming ever morphing gestalts operating in tendon to create coherent desired experiences forming consciously or unconsciously through desires and beliefs, ever expanding portions of reality that become coherent on their own and become their own gestalts, with every part its own holistic portion, never at risk of disappearance but ever freely morphing into new shapes and forms expressing and changing identity. According to Seth, consciousness seeking out actuality through its beliefs and self-knowledge alternates between different dimensions of actuality, there are multiple versions of ourselves and they all morph into congruent realities creating them in the process of merging with other conscious selves congruent with the identity of such actuality. Here's some quotes: "No objective reality exists but that which is created by consciousness, consciousness always creates form and not the other way around, so my environment is a reality of existence and created by myself and others like me and it represents the manifestation of our development [...] You think that objects exist independently of you, not realizing they are instead the manifestations of your own psychological and psychic selves [...] you usually don't realize that your physical body is created by you at each moment as a direct result of your inner conception of what you are or that it changes in important chemical and electromagnetic ways with the ever moving pace of your own thought [...] there are no real barriers to separate the systems of which I speak, the only separation is brought about by the varying abilities of personalities to perceive and manipulate, you exist in the midst of many other systems of reality for example but you do not perceive them" "There is no static god, when you say: 'this is god", then god is already something else, I'm using the term god for simplicity's sake, all portions of All That Is are constantly changing, unfolding. All That Is, seeking to know itself, constantly creates new versions of itself, for this seeking itself is a creative activity and the core of all creation. Entities being action always shift and change, there is nothing arbitrary about their boundaries. Some personalities can be apart of more than one entity, like fish, they can swim in other streams, within them is the knowledge of all their relationships. Any personality can become an entity on its own, this involves highly developed knowledge of the use of energy and its intensities. As atoms have mobility, so do psychological structures. Consciousness seeking to know itself therefore knows you. You, as a consciousness, seek to know yourself and become aware of yourself as a distinct individual portion of All That Is. You not only draw upon this overall energy but you do so automatically, since your existence is dependent upon it" "The responsibility for your life and your world is indeed yours, it has not been forced upon you by some outside agency, you form your dreams and you form your own physical reality. The world is what you are, it is the physical materialization of the inner selves that have formed it." TLDR; The idea is that there is an underlying Entity that gives rise to conscious entities within it that themselves form subjective realities through self-discovery and can tune themselves into communication with each others to give rise to a consensus space which only exists as a result of their interaction. There is an absolute reality giving rise to them, a subjective reality encompassing the entirety of their local experience and a consensus reality which is the result of overlapping subjective experiences but does not exist independently. That framework is very complex and I believe to have heard that everything is made from consciousness including the smallest particles, but the gist is that the world is transient and only exists while conscious agents actively create in within their (shared) consciousness, only our experience exists and the world disappears when we aren't tuned to it, at the same time it is an eternal idea we can always chose to tune ourselves into because everything is a mental construction, a vibration and space but also created in the process and everything potentially possible exists eternally as an idea or memory or imagination, so what reality really is, is conscious entities imagining a specific dimension of reality into existence or dreaming it up using their internal senses, to find/create/discover that part of themselves. It's a lot to take in, I know, there are dozens of hours of audiobooks on YouTube and I'm listening to all of them. It really accounts for all kinds of conscious phenomena and gives a comprehensive understanding of all of reality that unites every contradiction one could possibly conjure up, you really have to hear it for yourself.

@SoulSurvivor Trip reports always feel so insightful, when I look back at my own I wonder if it was even I who wrote them, and so I wonder of others. Your insights are profound. The balance of continuously integrating new patterns and how everything is made of them. The balance of imbalance, the continuous growth, retaining old, attaining new, and not becoming attached. This trip focused on healthy selfless growth through the lens of patterns and integration. Appreciation, discipline, self-awareness, concise Non-Dual interconnectedness of concepts, I salute you.

@jacknine119 An important perspectival lens I discovered is the Self/Other Unity. When you judge another, you judge a part of yourself. Same with cringe, anger, etc., whatever you apply to self, applies to others, what you apply to others applies to yourself. Try building a framework of understanding behavior and how you interpret and perceive it, then apply the same rules to yourself and others. If you have confidence in your own universal judgement, you become less dependent on the judgement of others. If you struggle with cringing at yourself, you can use that to feedback yourself into shape and then you don't even need to face shame from others, but only from yourself, and you are 100% in control of your internal world, even if you're not always aware of it.

@BlurryBoi Since you're facing deep existential fears and don't know how to go about surrender, let me tell you a story about my own similar conundrum from half a year ago where I went completely overboard with psychedelics and it was absolutely crazy, scary and fascinating. Everyone on the forum was talking about figuring out reality being a waste of time and the only action to take being surrender. The way I interpreted that was that everything was that everything is an illusion and I was literally meant to dissolve into nothingness, thinking that's the ultimate point of life. So I went ahead and chugged 75g of truffles with orange juice to initiate the gulp reflex in three moves with the sheer intention to let go of everything I cared about, everything I knew, thinking, feeling, understanding and unexist myself. I put on hardcore breakcore music and decided to speedrun letting go. I sat down on the bed and asked myself some questions about god, it seemed like answers were coming through me but from another source. I decided to visit a random actualized.org forum post but couldn't read because it was literally made of hieroglyphs, I focused very closely on a specific segment and it said something akin to "You are not self" and "There is no self", I couldn't read anything around it, it all looked like Allison Grey's secret writing. I lied down, barely managed to find the music, put it on and closed my eyes. I confronted different parts of myself externalized, they took form of alien lifeforms geometrically centered around a specific trait and weakness. The psychic was a fool, the strong one was weak, the loving one was monstrous, the happy one was useless, the content one created backlash, the strategic one was reckless, the alien one I became. For the next hours I found myself in alien dimensions exploring microscopic life, the structure of DNA and epigenetic variability, sacred geometry, esoteric knowledge and non-euclidian space. From time to time I had to run to the toilet and purge. Eventually, I was fine and lied down again. This time, I saw a terrifying monster but I became the buddha, I saw that monster as a distraction from becoming nothing, it had countless terrifying rectangular eyes all looking at me from different angles, but I wondered, a predator would simply kill me, this one looks scary but that's not effective, what's the purpose of looking scary anyway? It's a distraction! So I dismissed it with the peace of buddha and moved away from it. Then it became small and whimpered, like leaving it behind would kill it and it was only trying to survive, but it stood between me and enlightenment, I identified it as not an entity but a materialized mechanic ego defenses mechanism, so I dismissed it and became nothing, but not completely yet. Or at least I was merging in and out of existence. I became a mirror reflection, a crystal, a singular beam of light, the concept of gender, the loop of time, I didn't give up all parts of me yet, there were still lenses through which I saw reality. I saw time as a loop, everything repeating endlessly, every day identical until the end of time, every action taken later forgotten to be repeated, limbo. I needed to find a way to make progress, I would wake up and fall asleep again, waking up in the same loop with the same thoughts but I needed to become nothing. I thought about my parents and how I'd never make progress, repeating the same cycle, never getting anywhere. I woke up for a minute and then get overstimulated to the degree I'd end up in the same bed out of existence, then wake up the same way. I wouldn't know if I was repeating the same thing or actually made a change, but the loop seemed inevitable, I'd end up going through the same motions with the clock pointing at the same time, forever and forgetting, waking up again, putting on socks, preparing to step out of the room, only to not want to meet anyone in that state, going in a circle, but everything back and end up the same way in the bed. Like I'd never snap out of it, limbo. I felt like my kid self, I felt like I really screwed up, I felt like I disappointed my parents, well hypothetically since I'd never see them again stuck in limbo. This kept happening forever. At some point I was waking up for half a second longer than last time, this time I showed myself self-compassion, falling into bed all my worries dissolved and I felt so much love, I saw that love as the point of femininity, that being nothing and needing nothing was one polarity of existence experiencing absolute love and satiation through non-existence, then I woke up and felt stronger and more capable and saw this as the point of masculinity, making progress and the capability of bearing ever greater burdens and feeling equal but opposite maximum love as a result, maxing out my potential and capacities. I oscillated between nothingness and reality materializing for ever greater periods with ever greater capacities for activity and experience. I felt perfect because nothingness was absolute love but so was somethingness, the only problem would be to expect something of myself that lied outside of my experience but since reality was such a small bubble at the time and I was all of it at all times, I felt content. Eventually I returned for much longer periods, and my field of perception returned from being a vibrating sea of liquid mercury making up all surfaces into their normal detailed forms. I was disappointed, because I now experienced there being reality outside of my field of awareness, but on the upside I was now back to being able to make sense of reality and being aware of all the parts of life I lost. I looked at the clock, 6 hours had passed. This might have given me some existential angst, but really I was fine afterwards, a little traumatized maybe, but it was also deeply exhilarating. In retrospect, it was that time loop that was the worst imaginable thing to me, but every other part was amazing. Well, there was another part I didn't mention where I had the idea that every possible belief and counter-belief had to be true simultaneously and there'd have to be a transcendent one that included both and I could not utter a single word or concept or idea without compulsively accounting for the opposite anti-idea and making everything Non-Dual. What I learned from succeeding trips, dissociatives, new paradigms and self transformation: What doesn't kill you (or cripple you) makes you stronger, but you can be tempted to end yourself Psychedelic love is addictive, you need to find the traumas the keep you from it when you're sober Dissociatives are great tools for detachment and as a result finding all the resistance blocks inside If you do a lot, you'll go through a Dark Night of the Soul, fighting apathy, anhedonia, meaninglessness You can end up feeling utterly worthless and incompetent, feeling like you're the worst person alive You can also experience lots of fear, paranoia, projections, hallucinations, shadow entities and scary stuff You need to build up a universal sense of awareness and observe whatever happens with control and contentment Dissociatives are more effective at dealing with trauma, while psychedelics raise awareness and access new paradigms Dissociatives still need awareness to keep up that state of mind and face the underlying trauma and resolve it for good Combining dissociatives and psychedelics responsibly makes for a great combo for the release of the authentic self That combo specifically overrides self-suppression, confess all your reasons you are the way you are when on them Honestly look into your past to find the root of your beliefs and reasons you self-suppress in the present These are tools, you can do without, but they're powerful catalysts that overpower those barriers that keep you shackled This trip helped, but it took many many more to heal me and lots of self-understanding and experimentation My suggestions: Learn the basics of IFS Therapy off YouTube, it's a good framework for self-understanding, compassion and healing Experiment with reasonable amounts of Dissociatives, but remember that you're supposed to feel that way sober Set time aside, set and setting matter a lot, don't judge yourself too harshly, observe arising emotions Understand the sources of your troubles, be honest, be shameless, at least with yourself, be unreasonable but truthful Journal, take a look at your past, your motivations, your desires, what you authentically love and want and yearn for Sometimes, you are the one separating yourself from parts of yourself and seeking them in the outside world. In those cases, you can give up the pursuit and find them inside, but this costs emotional labor and feels deeply dissatisfying. Dissociatives dissociate you, psychedelics raise your awareness, use them for understanding and detachment to see yourself from the outside are that desires are a part of you but you are not your desires and you are the one separating yourself from happiness without being aware of it because you are tying your joy to an external experience you can't access and that is what you need to let go of and surrender, that's why it's hard. The nature of surrender is giving up the pursuit of the things you seek on the outside and instead focus on the process of living instead of achieving, this can feel deeply dissatisfying at first, because you are giving up on your passions, or at least that's what it feels like, but actually you're just giving up on the results, instead choosing to focus on the process and finding joy in it instead of needing the outcomes for happiness. You also need to become more self-compassionate and this can look selfish, you need to put yourself first. Your entire life may change, but is knowing more ever a bad thing? It gives you choices, options and understanding, if nothing more, seek self-understanding of what makes you you. As Leo once said "Awareness itself is curative" if you do enough of it.

@What Am I Indeed, at first I thought Kundalini and Psychedelics were completely unrelated, but the more I experience, think and connect the dots, the more I realize how connected everything is. Kundalini is visualized as energy rising through the spine through energy centers. There are Yoga techniques that unlock that wave of energy, both through body exercises and meditation. But really, one has to see that Kundalini is everywhere, the flow state, great athletic effect, cold exposure, shamanic breathing, meditation, psychedelics, dissociatives, cannabis, stimulants, anything that creates a sense of meaning and power within you, anything that releases energy barriers, anything that empowers you or makes you go all out, or sets you free, it's all interconnected. On my last psychedelic trip, I started doing yoga spontaneously, I pressed myself into different positions to become as flexible as possible, I started cracking my spine as I crack my fingers, releasing the building up stiffness, it's like memory is saved in that stiffness or spine itself and engaging it, movement, running, a cold plunge, being authentic with oneself, prayer specifically confession, physical pain, love, meaningful relationships, life purpose, strong fear, fight or flight, self-control, it's all a form of Kundalini Energy. The question is how one reacts, how aware one is of it, how one uses it. It's like we have a natural tendency towards comfort and peace. Maybe they themselves are not bad but there is something about the suppression process of living in a society, following rules, being obedient, externalizing status, being polite, playing by the rules that stifles that energy, makes it physically turn into stiffness, stiff bones, stiff muscles, all kinds of diseases and bodily ailments, fat storage, lack of energy, its suppressed energy. During my last massive trip, I felt like that life energy wanted to be released, like it'd go to waste if I did nothing, like it'd make me sweat and uncomfortable or be saved as stiffness or fat. So I went jogging and took a cold plunge, it felt like I was burning my body away, but in a good way, I wanted to burn all of my physical body away and become free, become a pure energy being and saw all of my body but also all my psychological turmoil as karma to be released, as weights to be let go of, as discomfort and self-suppression to be gotten rid of. But as I returned home, the trip was ending and my body started adjusting to the ambient temperature and get cold again and I started feeling hungry again. I felt it throughout my life, it's like the energy release when you sit around for a long time and then walk out and start jogging or cycling, it's that immediate sweating and heat that continuous for as long as you keep going, when you stop, you cool down and then it's gone, you can still get into it but now you have to work for it, it doesn't come as naturally as the first time, kind of like glycogen saved up in the body compared to working with ketons, it's pretty interesting really...

@BlurryBoi Ketamine and other Dissociatives, if used responsibly in moderate doses are actually an amazing tool. Instead of expanding your perspective and shooting massive waves of energy through you, it relaxes your mind and body and externalizes your attachments, so you can view them from the outside. Your intuition is hypercharged, you do things naturally using your intuition more so than conscious thought. You are more in tune with your authentic self, but unlike psychedelics, instead of perceiving and understanding it, you simply become it. It kind of feels like you're on autopilot to some degree. This can become an addiction if you don't focus on understanding and integration, but it's a huge relief and you can simply be yourself without judgements, those are stripped away from you, you get to experience what being at peace is like. It's important though to find out exactly why that is not your default state and figure out what is blocking you and what events in your life made you that way. I recommend IFS Therapy, you don't need to visit a therapist, just learn about the concept and work through it yourself. It did wonders for me. Dangers: Like alcohol, your mind can become incoherent in higher doses, just like any other class of drugs, benzos, opiates or heroic psychedelics doses you can become overwhelmed and dissociated enough that you temporarily forget who you are, where you are, etc. and can do nothing beyond lying around daydreaming, not being able to make sense of your environment. This is not to discourage you, just like with every other drug, be careful. Double check and read trip reports and dosages, though as long as you stay within the dose range on the Psychonaut Wiki, you should be fine, start small and get a sense of the experience. My first time was confusing and disorienting, uncomfortable, like an alcohol buzz. My second was also weird, but I gained an appreciation for the intuitive auto-pilot and absence of the perfectionism that was stifling my activities. The third time I overdid it and couldn't make sense of my environment, feeling like a lost child in an alien world. After the fourth time, I felt anxious and incompetent for the next two months, because I realized how much my fears had been holding me back my entire life and how little I know about life and how everything works and how open and curious I become on dissociatives. Some following trips made be revert into a vulnerable, sad and afraid child, I needed support, surrounded myself in comfort and watched some movies, taking psychedelics during that trip lead to a full blown psychedelic throat chakra kundalini awakening where I felt like my authentic self for the first time in my life. Lately, one trip led me to anger and mania to transformed my grief and low self-worth into action and passion, self-introspection revealed deep childhood trauma and I grew as much if not more than on psychedelics. At this point, I can do all the things I learned on dissociatives sober, or on light/micro doses, but there's always new things to learn and paradigms to transcend. I wish you good luck if you do want to try, don't overdo it, but also don't give up to quickly, but also be responsible, but also be intentful and aware and remember my experiences, at least that's the advice i'd give my past self.

Since this discussion has turned into the drawbacks of abusing psychedelics, Let's go over this: 1. There is no scientific evidence but science doesn't know anything, all it does it throw around Buzzwords like 5HT-2A Agonist, Default Mode Network Disruption and Interconnection of Brain Areas and that's it, everything else is derived from random speculation based on those and Serotonin being correlated with Good Health and Mood. 2. People experience Great Trips, Awful Trips, HPPD, etc. and all we hear is that it's "Psychological", since science doesn't find any "physical anomalies". From all we know it's just our reaction to our mental blocks based on our level of self-acceptance, self-understanding and sense making of the nuance we encounter. Taking heroic doses might get us into states where the observed is changed and modulated as much as the observer, so one faces temporary amnesia, mania, panic, etc., states of mind become externalized and one might lose their sense of self and understanding, as the neurons responsible for maintaining awareness are overflooded and disrupted. 3. Based on many experiences of transcendent states, there is something resembling Kundalini Awakening, where massive amounts of energy flow through the body, breaking barriers, resistance and might be too much for the body to handle. Leo talked about this in one of his videos where it felt like there was lightning shooting through his fingertips, burning them slightly, due to this massive release. This part is important and I experienced it in many ways as well, having so much energy and being so overwhelmed by sensory stimulation that it's uncomfortable. I wasn't prepared at the time and wanted it to stop, I did not progress as much as I could and it brought about some suffering. There is something to be said of going beyond your limits similar to lifting weights beyond your range and hurting yourself in the process, you need to build yourself up towards it and rest afterwards. 4. Leo has this idea of equivalent exchange, but it can be seen from a billion perspectives. Why isn't our life perfect? Have we done something wrong? Have we not suffered enough? Is it meant to be bad? Is it our limiting beliefs? This mindset doesn't allow any growth, it's a zero sum game. According to that, we can never make any progress because we end up with something else that's equally bad regardless. Letting go of ego, becoming more selfless, maybe the trade off is exactly the emotional labor, forgiveness, giving up on hedonistic pursuits, constant striving for self-understanding and compassion, having to take responsibility and work. Maybe psychedelic ego-death and facing a bad trip and emptiness that is giving up on your identity is exactly the trade off and that's all there is to it? Maybe we're inventing reasons not to do psychedelics because we feel it's too easy compared to the survival we've been accustomed to? Maybe it's avoiding self-deception, maybe it's the fact they're illegal, maybe it's facing the hardships of change and transience, maybe it's the responsibility of integrating the trips. The argument of "They don't come for free" is an assumption, a reasonable doubt based on life experience, but it's creating a premise a priori and trying to prove it right, circular logic. Sorry for the rant but it's basically saying that a kid made to suffer all his life through apathy and lack of autonomy and purpose choosing to end his life has an equivalent experience to a joyful kid travelling around the world, learning about himself and others and living an amazing life is equivalent because "everything has a trade off". Maybe its learning the meaning of suffering or appreciation etc. and maybe there's reincarnation or god has a plan for both, but come on Leo, I know the way you speak in your video about Responsibility, shaming victim mentality and telling us to have a life purpose and live a most fulfilling life of resilience and selflessness and how contemptful you look at those who drink their life away. 5. "Have you considered the alternative interpretation" that activating your brain like that can lead to a healthy engagement in real life activities and brain function that increases lifespan, quality of life and appreciation for reality, health and the actual reason why such is not the default is because of our faulty self-sabotaging cultural paradigms, self-deception and self-worth problems that are all corrected by gaining a higher perspective and being overfilled by love through the healing experience? 6. Tolerance exists and I myself experience anhedonia on the next day somewhat like a hang over. But I actually learned to appreciate it for giving me a perspective not tied to any one thing and taking a step back where nothing has meaning but that lets me be more objective and detached during. 7. It's hard to sleep 8. You can become psychologically addicted to transcendent states that you cannot recreate naturally and rely on psychedelics for happiness, you may also withdraw from life if you don't integrate your lessons or use them as escapism, but that's true with any addiction and psychedelics usually compensate for that by giving you ever worse trips until you get your shit together. 9. There's a non-zero percent chance that you become an actual alien, gain psychic abilities, or hallucinate yourself away

It seems Non-Duality is the answer. I should really include that among my default lenses of understanding. I guess a more direct question is "Where is the feeling of self and consciousness located?" And my immediate intuitive hunch is the feeling of self is as much itself as the color red. And consciousness may be an existential property of being experienced at all times by virtue of being everything within experience and potential. But then, can there be being without consciousness? Can it go unobserved or blocked from expression and still exist? And the answer to that would be that my perception constantly changes and there are tons of things outside my experience that go unobserved. Which leaves me really just curious about the mechanisms and interconnections of the manifesting reality and that's the relative domain of science that can be explored to infinite depth. I really wanna analyze how taking action, self-perception and intention work, definitely adding that to the to-do list on my next psychedelic trip, although I wanna flash it out and expand my understanding as much as I can until then. Thank you all @Hojo Am I the godhead lost in ego or an ego experience within the Godhead, that is to say: I wonder how far I can dissolve my identity and if that would affect that which I call objective reality, which refers to: hard walls, not falling through the ground, Euclidian space, etc. @Inliytened1 I see, Non-Duality it is! @Davino I will, do you happen to have a specific metaphor or insight to share? @A Fellow Lighter I was thinking about the observer becoming nothing the more it is deconstructed and consciousness seeming like a kid of aether that includes and connects all experiences, but not really being able to be made sense of without them, since that awareness has to take a form to be itself, otherwise, would it be consciousness of non-existence? Doesn't really make sense, though I can imagine consciousness of the lack of existence, it's just that consciousness as I see it always takes a form, even if it is the awareness of awareness, it's pretty strange to visualize it on its own, but it definitely is a property, or a dimension, a kind of space or maybe a void, not nothing but barely something in itself, like the axis of numbers but without the numbers.

@NoSelfSelf Let's see if I get this: You're disillusioned with authority based objectivity and realize that truth seeking is a personal endeavor filtered through subjective lenses of purpose. Varying subjective lenses can coexist due to a difference in lifestyle, purpose, intent. Since all external information is essentially a claim, you emphasize how essential Self-Understanding is, being the only way to actually access truth. I see you asking how we know what's best. You only know what works in retrospect, one can have experiential frameworks, good intentions and carefully observe situations to make informed decisions but we cannot predict the actual future. God may know all possible courses of action and which ones lead to the best outcome but we are not that omnipotent God right now that would make knowing what's right easy. Leo mentions relative objective truths. All models of reality are theories based on observation correlating with premise, they may be better informed and dismiss previous biased prescriptions based on deception and paradigm lock but they are a map, not the territory. We can get more objective by being in tune with our biases and gaining more experience to flash out and interconnect more dots. We can also create logical frameworks that are true by definition and work through that. Experience creates a deeper understanding of reality, hence more objective, less reliant on specific parts. Regarding your example about science (objectivity) of genes limiting someone's athletic potential. Science is a study, yet it often generates claims based on lack of counterexamples creating dangerous and stifling paradigms of limitation that can create toxic narratives until they're shattered by someone like Wim Hof proving them wrong. Science is not Objectivity, healthy science knows its limitation and strives to be as objective as possible, but it can only do so much. But then maybe you want to know about that example from a perspective of absolute truth. If you were omnipotent and knew the extent of your athletic potential, it would still give you a choice to start or not to, it would transform your struggle from desiring to be the best to an activity you would decide to engage in out of the pure joy of it, or make a better decision that would allow you to compete without wasting time. Note that nothing you hear is absolute objectivity, most of the time we generate self-limiting paradigms based on previous experiences. Question others, question science, question spirituality, question me, question Leo and most importantly question yourself and your own beliefs. Regarding your second reply about the relation between Absolute Truth, Objective Truth and Subjective Truth. Absolute Truth is the ground and fabric of reality, the source of all possible experiences and the exact way it manifests itself through you, that is the direct experience of it uninterpreted. Subjective Truths are constructed in response to that Absolute Truth and are an interpretation of it, as Leo mentioned there are Relatively Objective Truths like the earth being round, these are based on continuous multi-perspectival observation by different people agreeing on the premises. You might say: I prefer apples, another might say: I prefer oranges. Those are subjective truths, the relative objective truth is that you both agree on the existence of apples and oranges, the absolute truth includes your preferences and the existence of those, but at the same time it renounces those, apples and oranges and taste and preference are interpretations and assessments of Absolute Phenomena given labels and forms. The absolute truth as I understand it is the ground of being from which all possible interpretations can originate, it is and is not them, it is beyond but includes them, it is nothing but everything and makes it possible for all possible states, combinations and interpretations to coexist. Imagine there are no atoms, no ideas, no stories, just energy, pure energy vibrating at various frequencies, the same energy taking different forms, everything is the same wave, the same elephant and we just happen to see different parts of it, it is all those parts and their opposites and nothing at all, and everything too. @Leo Gura Even with all this writing, I have questions myself, if God says "Let there be light" or "Let there be an earth", are those illusions or reality, is God playing a game of self-deception when in truth there is noting specific/infinity or is that possibility equally true to infinity, isn't everything absolute including subjective opinions? Of course they're emerging properties of observation but in themselves they have a shape inform, the ego dreams as god does. God dreams big, ego dreams small, though the ego interprets rather than creates, but then isn't imagination creation? Or is it the relation between God's intention and the Ego's misunderstanding that separates those? Then again, isn't the ego another perspective, maybe God has various scales like Absolute Unity and then a low duality state of knowing his creation and seeing it which means he'd have to externalize himself of it as a perceiver but that still feels pretty objective. Is God the ego as soon as he isn't 100% undivided? Is only nothingness absolute? Why is interpretation in and of itself as its own fabric absolute? Imagination exists as surely as the present experience in its own right. Though I guess the whole sense of self is a deception and all that comes with it but then what isn't. Pure vision, hand without the interpretation of it being a hand but just the perceived being itself? How is imagination not just another sense in that regard? Or is it the intentioned experience from God, but then on psychedelics, everything morphs, how is a morphing hand less real than a non-morphing hand when it is all equally part of God's imagination? How is any part less real than another, or is it the holarchy emerging parts on higher scales but then those scales go down and up infinitely, don't they, from the center, the present experience whatever it happens to be? So much writing, sorry Leo for taking your time, but you say a lot of things that I can't help questioning, although I know I can only really know through direct experience, I'd like to reconcile apparent contradictions.

A chad might be getting all the chicks and not care at all, no appreciation, you might have been him already and not cared. The only reason you care as much as you do is because you're subconsciously creating a massive separation internally. And that separation is so painful that you don't have the power to go after it externally. If you didn't care, there'd be no problem, but you want to care, you create a state of mind where getting it would lead to massive ecstasy exactly because of your lack, but that lack makes your life so miserable that taking action becomes excruciatingly difficult. You create a fantasy that is amazing but because it's so amazing your life sucks compared to it and because it sucks so much, you don't have the energy to go after it, but since you believe in its reality and objectiveness so much, you reinforce your separation from happiness and deprive yourself of willpower, intellect and determination as a result of your scarcity mindset stemming from your separation from joy and peace, counterintuitively reducing your chances of fulfilling that fantasy but also unnecessarily making yourself miserable too. We are not entitled to anything and only have control over our state of mind which materializes external actions There are multiple ways this can go down: 1. You keep complaining and waste your life being miserable, relying on the uncertainty of death to fulfill your desire. 1.1 Your desire isn't fulfilled, it simply ceases to exist as you lose the personality and lack that propels you to want it. 1.2 Your desire is instantly fulfilled without the dream scenario manifesting and you feel great but disappointed. 1.3 Having built up so much negative energy of lack, the bliss of having getting your dream scenario is immeasurable. 1.4 You have the power to fulfil your desires but would have to simultaneously become the girls you have sex with. 1.5 You get what you want, are happy forever, but would have preferred to have lived your life happily until then. 2. You get sex and feel worse because it feels great but you can't have it 24/7 and you suffer every second you don't get it. 2.1 You become reckless, do something stupid and end up in jail, unable to have sex and suffering forever. 2.2 You get a girlfriend who is as much a sex-addict as you and try to figure out how you two can live that life 24/7. 2.3 You find a way to get money and spend it on hookers every night, hating your life outside of that time. 2.4 Your life falls apart as your feeling of disconnection increases exponentially and your mental state declines. 2.5 You live as you always had, now knowing how to get casual sex but always relying on it for being happy. 3. You get sex, fulfill your desire and no longer care and now have to face the nihilistic void of losing your sole life purpose. 3.1 You enter a "Dark Night of the Soul", become depressed for a few months and eventually come out transformed. 3.2 The immeasurable disappointment makes you end your life but have nothing to look forward to in the afterlife. 3.3 You discover the limitation of sex but still feel a craving for love that makes you fall into another trap like romance. 3.4 You discover that sex is merely a small part of a loving relationship and become a better more caring person. 3.5 You question whether you experienced it all and get into all kinds of kinks, but these lead to the same conclusions. 4. You get your life together, so much so that you can enjoy sex regularly without it messing up your mood and self-worth. 4.1 You live a good life with either casual or stable relationships like most other people and are content with that. 4.2 You become disillusioned with the transformation being so easy and unconsciously self-sabotage your current life. 4.3 You live a normal stable life for a while and enjoy it but eventually bore of it and end up with the same compulsions. 4.4 You have a family and kids, the sex life with your with is satisfying but you find a greater purpose beyond it you love. 4.5 You start enjoying hobbies, activities, friends, create a job you find value in and slowly gravitate away from the sex. 5. You self-actualize to get to the source of the desire and integrate that lack, being at peace with yourself and not need it. 5.1 You discover your need comes from deep childhood trauma and process that pain that then dissolves the desire. 5.2 Your realize your desire is not actually your own, but merely a reflection of the culture and become disillusioned. 5.3 Your desire is valid but overblown, you can appreciate sex but don't rely on it and get it because of that mindset. 5.4 The desire might be past karma from another life and realizing that you create distance and are less attached. 5.5 A disconnection from your feminine/female side manifests external sexual desire, so you get in tune with that.

I felt confident this time, after not breaking through on 5-MeO-DMT and yearning to finally experience some visual hallucinations, I took 20mg of 4-HO-MiPT, 20mg of 4-AcO-DET, 20mg of 4-AcO-MET and one hour in 15mg of 5-MeO-MiPT. I thought the MET and DET might synergize by docking at receptors with slightly different structural extensions and extend the visual space, as well as the same happening for 4-HO-MiPT and 5-MeO-MiPT being both MiPTs with an offset position in the heterocyclic ring. So then I'm waiting, getting excited, after half an hour notice the first effects kicking in, the visual field somewhat distorting, light geometric patterns appearing, insights flooding. I go outside to the balcony, the sun is shining so brightly and before my eyes I see the scenery morph from a mundane sunny day to a cartoonishly beautiful colorful environment, so bright and reminiscent of hot summer days from my childhood. I look outside and the field of grass becomes sharper, at first I see the color spectrum extended, then I see the previously even field of grass extruded upwards by a bit, creating almost spike like shapes. I think to myself: what is true reality? The objectiveness is really arbitrary, what interpretation of the senses into an interconnected coherent image is the right one? There are so many ways to warp it without changing its essence, so many ways of interpreting it, of displaying it, of modulating the senses, of amplifying the emotions, of extending the visual field and its projection and interaction and synesthesia, the intertwining frequencies of various gestalts merging into an image, an already present, external sensations are merely hitting receptors inside, the world is internal, consciousness is like a barrier between the origin of the light reflection and the shadow side within that picks up the stimuli and forms an image out of them, an already present reality that only needs to be activated, an internal realm to be simulated, experienced, independent of what is going on outside, only needs to be illuminated by a certain activation pattern. I keep theorizing about the nature of reality and where vision originates, a reflection of external reality but it always has to be interpreted from within by a context known beforehand, patterns already pre-existing, a reflection of an already inherent reality merely contextualized through a specific pattern of electromagnetic activation of eye-receptors Hypothetically, if I was a metamorphic organism and could generate my own environment, sensory organs, etc. but operated inside humanly known confines until now, how would I go about adjusting a 3d context to understand hyperbolic geometry intuitively? The answer eludes me, a question for another time. I only remain a few seconds, the sunlight feels like the joy of life but it gets hot really quickly, somewhat uncomfortable, like the kind of hot day you'd wear sunscreen for, I walk back to my room, lie down on my bed. I see an overlay appearing over my vision, following wherever I look, it looks like a 25% opacity overlay of a spherical structure divided into polygonal segments, it's fascinating to look at for a few minutes, there are also patterns projected onto the walls, repeating forms, recreated each time I change my perspective sufficiently scaling with the distance, I stand up and go to the living room. Then it hits me, chemistry, physics, the interaction of light forcing chemical change within compounds, the standard model of particle physics where photons interact with matter in all kinds of ways to form greater structures, everything is truly light, is energy, completely interchangeable energy merely shifting forms. Everything is light, I am light, vision is light, sound is vibration, coming from matter, just another form of light interaction through a different medium, matter is energy is light, taste is light, touch is light, different patterns of filtering the reverberation of energy and matter, which are really just a higher more complex arrangements of light. Waves turning into particles and particles into waves, water, river, seas, waves, the hermetic principle of correspondence, a way of understanding different phenomena. Senses are just identifying patterns of light interaction, I want to experience synesthesia, I can because everything is made of the same stuff, I can taste the ground with my toes, because my toes are made of light and so is the ground, consciousness is a frequency. I could create new senses, experience new colors, I don't even need to grow new sensory organs, everything happens in the brain, I could just access it directly, simulate a whole new sensation inside, though I don't get that far. I browse impossible colors, overlap my vision with both colors above each other, but it doesn't generate the kind of nuance I expected. Clearly not enough psychedelics have been consumed, but I'll need a tolerance break so I'm not taking more now. I enter the bathroom, it is very dark, maybe I can specifically stay in this space to experience and transcend fears, creating a "bad trip" experience might be exciting, I get into the bath tub and close the curtains, I hear ominous ambient noises and the geometric overlay of my vision turns into cross like shapes, I stay a bit but eventually it gets too spooky for me, the spider webs and dead flies inside remind me of death too much and the ominous noises are really something. I leave my clothes off, realizing that most of the time, I'm hiding behind them and lack confident in my body image, that's something I can accept now, I sit in front of the mirror and look for myself, where am I, between the eyes? The person in the mirror? Is that even me? When I stare for too long, the image fractalizes, the eyes become big, the figure deforms a little, it feels weird but interesting. Over the next hours, I turn to the internet and brainstorm all kinds of concepts, since I am in a state of mind where I can think at hpervelocities and interconnect all kinds of concepts. I go over the classics, Sacred Geometry, Sadhguru, Leo, Seth, Spirituality, Psychology. At the end of the Day, when the effects are manageable I go outside, roam the town, and end up walking to the outdoors pool at midnight, I am energized and physically moving fills me with more energy to contemplate the nature of reality and continue the stream of insights. When I finally arrive, I take my clothes off and go for a swim, the cold water is energizing and feels great, the cold is enticing and I flow with it, I see lightning far in the background but hear no thunder, I feel that even if it hit me now, I'd be content with moving towards the next dimension of existence, though there is much for me still to do here. I eventually head back and write down the stream of thoughts that continuously enters my mind. Here it is: I am the alchemist and alchemy process, my body is the residue and after-image of my very own psychic energy out which which reality continuously emerges, my physical form is the karma of my desires, the body emerging from a single cell adopting and creating many forms from within, formerly part of two parents and their lineages encoding all past experiences all the way to source. Reality is interchangeable energy, the same fabric flowing through different gestalts, stories keep originating, all that is left of the past is the material afterimage, rippling echoes of strongly charged psychic energy, the conscious will and desire behind every action, inside the singularity which propels change, the experience of consciousness. Though senses like vision create an image, it means nothing without context but the context can only be recognized because it was already an inherent property of an inner reality that was recognized through the stimulation of that pattern by external appearance. To gain energy one must give it, running creates energy, as above so below, physical and mental energies flow into each other, to move the body is to stimulate that link between immaterial and material, the rejuvenating life energy of creation, of being, of perceiving, experiencing, creating one's experience through exercising the desire for change, like movement, motion, emotion, energy in motion. I went swimming at midnight, the cold plunge was stimulating, energizing, freezing, I swam then stood in the water, to stay without moving felt homeostatic but moving created this kind of stress response, continuous movement made me accustomed to it but to change between moving and not moving stimulated that feeling again, discomfort, plunge, head in cold water, getting to a point of cold, where every other action is warmer by contrast, can I conquer this discomfort for good and make it's effects a dynamic part of myself? To be given free energy without having to generate it intentfully? Though the ever morphing reality itself is an inherent property of my own being from which it originates. My life feels like living up to a past version of myself and trying to externally recreate that one's impressions, as all direction is already past. But those desires are no longer authentic, yet they hadn't even had time to be realized and appreciated. Everything changes, I cannot rely on external means, that would mean stealing energy from outside on one hand, but irregardless of morality it would make me reliant on an unstable source of happiness on the other hand and stop my own development by focusing on the skin I shed. That shed skin, an externalized residue of my past version cannot be used as context for the ever new emerging me, yet it's lens is something I incorporated into myself as I keep expanding. When I was little, I was a very sensitive child, that never changed and it alienated me from my environments. On one hand I was unable to communicate my needs, on the other I saw the inadequacies and responses present in the external environment which validated my withdrawal. Others always seemed occupied with experiencing and stimulating activities while I never managed to find someone to share the mere desire to coexist in the presence of and mirror my own level of self-awareness and openness to communicate, though I did not myself send the appropriate signals to attract such an experience. To fall in love with someone feels like externalizing one's own qualities into an externalized other and the pain of not being continuously connected to them might be a consequence, that sounds like a scarcity mindset however, though so does outsourcing one's own qualities. To hold all those qualities within oneself means stability. The genders never made sense to me, though it is understandable granted their portrayal in modern society. Every being is inherently both, irregardless of adopted behavior. I disliked masculinity for dulling one's feelings and causing suffering, and disliked femininity for suppressing one's own desires to maintain external appearances. To identify with either seemed like hell to me. Each seemed like a toxic coping behavior suppressing and compartmentalizing the true self. The insecure masculine inflicting external control upon others and oneself to hide past shame, the insecure feminine hiding the naturally emerging self behind facades and manipulating externally what it is not allowed to bring out internally. In truth, the divine feminine is the energy of growth and nurture, the process of compassion towards oneself, one's children, joy, love, happiness. The masculine a role model of interacting with reality and expanding oneself through learning and discomfort, a balance of life and death, as death is the change of form and life becoming dead when not dying. Tribally, males being stronger would be more engaged physically adapting to and expanding outside their immediate environment, while females would tend to nurturing and transforming the environment to make it home. It's an idea, a potential way to explain the physical manifestation of the genders. Though I've yet to see whether the split itself was to create new opportunities or self-disowning in its initial intent and how that more broadly corresponds to duality. Teachers don't make sense, families don't make sense, others don't make sense, to be a teacher is to continuously teach the same thing forever mechanistically, though the activity might be simulating. Either way, the knowledge already exists and one is not growing, but repeating the same thing, very boring, why not just encode in one's genetic material to be automatically inherently acquired by the next generation? Why need another generation, why not just be it, at the frontier, always at the edge of expansion? Bad mindset? Children are oneself allowed to experience the world anew in a new way? To give oneself the opportunity to become one's own parent and correct past mistakes? But isn't that giving up the self for an externalized other? They can have life of their own just like oneself was such a life in the joy of creation, out of love? Not being insecure about losing a part of oneself and giving it life to be its own and experience the world and experience the love of bringing it into life and nurturing it, gaining experience and giving life in the process? Just like the sun irradiates energy? When I was 6, I realized my parents would age and die before me. I was attached and could not bear the thought. I'd rather die first, not to have to experience that, but that would make them sad, and it would be sad by itself if the following generation dies before its previous one. Now it is fine, my parents are themselves and I am me, I grow into myself and keep changing, supporting myself in the process of becoming independent and individuating. If lightning struck me now as I was swimming and witnessing thunder far away, I'd take it as my higher self lifting me into a new reality and see it as an opportunity, but dying would be rather anti-climactic and make my parents sad. And I'm pretty young and could leverage this experience more, deciding to leave on my own terms after fulfilling more desires and burning up more karma, I also want to witness the technological singularity and see if I can become healthier until then. My physical body is residue of my energy body, I keep changing and shedding my skin, dead skin cells make the dust that covers my unnatural living space, far from the natural habitat outside. I can use energy but what does that mean? Where does the energy come from, food? Externally? My body is organically interacting with the environment, turning pears into my own body, starvation uses up stored fat, but so does activity. That which gives me life is energy, yet I'm transforming energy from matter to matter. What is dying to starvation like and how come we can save up but not use excess energy and it accumulating in the body. Why is it not natural for excess energy to flow naturally and why can we not photosynthesize on our own? We have complex organs for filtering and processing matter into energy, it's like an innate part of our being, but I'd rather be light if I could. though then I wouldn't need all these organs and would retract them into a simple water metabolism that propels the body, but why need that when I can simply be an electromagnetic gravitational conscious field projecting myself across reality, but wait that's imagination, and I'm already capable of it, just need to learn to tune it. To exist in a dimension of limitless energy and freely change my form on whim spontaneously, growing wings or levitating, and then becoming human again, metamorphically. Is limitation a self-imposed challenge for mastery, or merely an afterimage of a limited belief of oneself scaffolding karma to reimpose itself due to being a stable part of the acknowledged material world at this point, self perpetuating? Why can I not immediately take on all the characteristics of any life form I see and switch between them or share consciousness or maybe I can and I do and that is imagination which I use to balance a stable reality with that dynamic desire? Creating video games and fantasy settings as one more manifestation on another layer of reality, spawning all of fiction and our growing interest with these kinds of strories and humanity keeps evolving. I have it pretty good, living in a first world country away from survival and suffering, maybe I chose to come here, maybe I already experienced enough of it in another life, maybe I was born so sensitive to not fall into that trap but appreciate the difference and not take it for granted, or to learn from this history of suffering on earth without being to involved in it, or to help the earth out of it, or to be able to witness it and make calls on what happens. I should be part of creating this experience, but shuffling material around is nothing compared to doing the esoteric contemlation that expands my understanding of myself and reality to even know what is a meaningful and healthy change to make but manifesting change through reality as a result on a scale I personally could never affect and accept that reality is my own fabric and by desiring a change it will happen, and making myself healthier will mean that I naturally act out of authenticity to heal the external but also attract change metaphysically by tuning into the kind of frequencies that end up materializing from within as the new world based on my own self-understanding and conviction. Psychedelics naturally mushrooms, agents of decay, turning dead residue into pure energy, feeding it back into the cycle of life, catalyzing ego-death, of course, that makes sense, living is dying, still life is death, and death is alive because death is change and life is change, that which does not change is dead but that which dies is alive, dying is a quality of life, and living is a quality of death, but being static may just be a very high wavelength frequency that is still alive but very slow. Separation comes together, hydrogen floats around and comes together to fuse and boom, star, energy, but then it fuses into heavier stuff, becomes planets and shit, but iron is the end apparently, and when the universe decays into homeostasis and a stable energy configuration, then what? That's dead and boring. Something will happen, and that long-scale model will probably turn out to be all wrong anyway. But without input from source, nothing happens, so that checks out, time would simply fly by. BUT THAT'S JUST A THEORY, A CONSCIOUSNESS THEORY, THANKS FOR READING! SECOND TRIP (5 Days Later) 20mg of 4-HO-MiPT, 20mg of 4-AcO-DET, 20mg of 4-AcO-MET and 15mg of 5-MeO-MiPT (Again) It was the grief of the loss of the happiness that could come from outside created through an intently self-inflicted vulnerability to create an opportunity to connect over and reconcile it, but the resulting pain too great to to put oneself out there and bring it to fruition, yet the momentum generated, the yearning, the build up to that climactic moment of fulfillment ever rising to create the sort of meaning of long past reunion, to give up on that ever so longed for time, connection, desire, the risk of throwing a boomerang waiting for it to return, a lover to return from the line of battle, a sibling one hasn't seen in years gone overseas, a best friend promised to meet again from decades ago, to grief the loss of that opportunity to connect in such a meaningful manner and build up of emotions straight from the soul to bond over, a contrasting duality, a built up energetic charge, an ever rising kundalini energy, to give that up and reintegrate it into unity having never succeeded in the endeavor of honing it and beating impossible odds, tragic but the meaning returned into one's soul an immeasurable relief, giving up all relationships that once brought joy to focus back onto the unfolding life and give rise to the same opportunities that so readily created such meaning in the first place, to gravitate inwards instead of spreading oneself thin in the outside world Polarity, feeling the depths of sadness, then transitioning into anger, colors changed, the fields reverberated, as if a strong polarized charge made of emotions materialized and lend itself to all surroundings through a sense of tranquil release and resonance. I could feel the buzzing energy in the air, the powerful electric waves spinning around objects, my own emotional state affecting my vision, my feeling, the vibration of energy, power. I released the desire that bound me to misery, to hold onto the past and seek to reexperience it, to meet again old friends, to continuously seek their presence, but feeling miserable every second that doesn't happen, I gave up on that, I also gave up on my pain, to find someone to connect with over it, to heal together, reach the sort of understanding coming from experiencing such a background. And to find contentment in my own presence alone or to allow myself to connect to others without building up depths of understanding that make finding such people impossible. Following this, I focused on new insights, remodeling reality, new understandings, my vision shifted, it separated into many pieces, my personality as well split into many unique parts spread over my entire life, I've been researching IFS, I've been studying the brain, unconscious lately, we all have many parts, many personalities, united, split, repurposed for many different situations, we switch between them naturally, not even realizing the seamlessness but also the separation and scale of difference and abilities between them. We each have split personalities, just don't usually struggle with them, most of the time very oblivious to their existence. When you speak a different language, your whole persona changes, the vibe differs, when you engage in different activities, when you hang around different people, when you enter various emotional states, when you remember different things, play different games, sports, conversations, ideas, passions, when you do psychedelics. I entered a mode of seamless integration of all the different parts within me: Imagine a glass sphere splintered into a thousand pieces still floating at their original positions but now filtering the internal space inside the sphere through various unique personalities and sensory lenses and in the process synergize a new coherent image more congruent and flashed out than that of any shard or a single undivided sphere, for it compensates for the inaccuracies and lack of perspective of any one part and simultaneously in a feedback loop informs the understanding and filtering of each. It felt like unlocking my third eye, like letting different parts of me and the outside world enter me through the crown chakra, like I've become a medium, simultaneously perceiving so much information from so many sources, modulating between personalities and ideas, but still being an entity myself that holds the power to do so, seeing them as an extension of myself while embodying them simultaneously. It was beautiful.

Dissociatives turn me into Jello, but in a good way, my muscles relax, I am able to stretch and do yoga, get into positions like never before and hear the cracking of an otherwise rigid body releasing the tension. My mind relaxes, thoughts ease up, I enter a peaceful state of mind, my fears and worries fade away. As that happens, I think of all the things and emotions I formerly suppressed, the fears holding me in check, the expectations, perfectionism, OCD, autistic traits and patterns that limited and stressed me throughout my life, I am now distanced from them, see them for the stupid self-inflicted limitations and compulsive patterns that they are and let go of them. I see the arbitrariness, I become conscious of the unconscious, I see myself from the outside. I release deeply seated emotions built over the course of my life, I meditate, I let my emotions flow, I show love to my past self as I accept and understand that side of me that was hurt and love it until it releases the tension and pain now feeling loved and understood by the future self I have become, the strength and love I have acquired. I start doing activities I was to perfectionistic about, I start learning new things I felt were too complicated at first and they are so easy, I think about concepts and ideas and gain understanding by being straight forward and not faking and forcing myself to act smarter than I am, everything makes sense, so much is usually being said but so little is actually communicated. I admit that which I feel and believe, I am shameless, I am selfish, I want what I want and feel what I feel, I love what I love and hate what I hate, I love myself. Blocking the NMDA receptors leads to an Imbalance between the Glutaminergic system and the GABAergic system, glutamate excites activity while GABA suppresses it. The imbalance of excitation leads to a downregulation of GABA, the GABA is not blocked like with alcohol, instead it's modulation/activation is naturally reduced because less activity means less suppression of that activity, the resulting disconnected/dissociated state of mind lets me associate with the parts of me I don't usually access, allows me also to reinvent my understanding of the world, like a blank slate, take away many biases/impositions/assumptions and to see with clear eyes the world of actuality, imagination and ideas. The self comes back after a few hours and gives me the chance to face itself in a coherent state of mind, check my understanding and consciously integrate in a state of mind that is coherent and clear, to really test the progress I made and figure out if anything was missing, as my body upregulates Glutamate/NMDA I also become more focused and excited and the resulting co-upregulation of GABA lets me face the feeling of suppression head on and get a feeling of the things that hold me back, find them in my body and mind and address them. High doses of dissociatives (30-50mg DCK for example) lead to various impairments in function, the ability to make sense of the present moment and walk properly, it's like the FPS (Frames per Second) is significantly reduced from let's say 120FPS to below 10FPS, the sensory input is also lowered, touch feels more numb, pears taste like cardboard, typing is slow, focus is weak. I don't hallucinate however, even though daydreaming becomes very prevalent and parts of myself come out through imagination. I rarely go that far however and stick to 5-20mg at this point, in fact I seem to continuously lower my doses, it's like I don't need that much to experience what I want to experience anymore and get the benefits, it's like I'm integrating what I need to integrate and there is simply less benefit as my everyday state of mind acquires the best properties through the integration process. I do dissociative less now, from once every two weeks to twice a week around 15mg. Previously, I was facing the side effects of the impairment manifesting itself in slight discomfort over the following days due to higher doses, so I waited until it subsided to continue and have learned to balance it now, getting the benefits of lower doses without the resulting extended return to baseline from high doses. I have done dissociatives and psychedelics together twice and they were wonderful experiences. It's like the reduced ego of dissociatives synergized with the expanded mind space of psychedelics, psychedelics in high doses showed me all my insecurities but I could not handle them, the combination of dissociatives lead to a massive release where I became deeply in tune with my authentic self and annihilated the resistance to that which I wanted to let go of and become. The second time, I amplified the state of free flow of dissociatives with psychedelics and it led me to go deeply into myself and face my greatest trauma. At first, I merely identified a feeling and situation from my childhood and mentioned it, then tears started flowing from my face and I was surprised because I didn't realize just how important it was to me, later I found that this trauma led me to live exactly the life I did and manifested itself in all my activities and relationships, becoming a core part of my identity. I cried through it and the weight was lifted, at the end of it I was surprised, is it over? Am I healed? Where did it go? I feel emptied out, at peace. Psychedelics expand ones mind and let one face their limited ego from an expanded perspective, but the ego might resist and persist and fear and throw a tantrum. Dissociatives on the other hand, eliminate the connection, the emotions, the attachments temporarily and bring one into a state of mind of release and emptiness, from that emptiness one can learn to understand oneself, no longer attached to these things that bring one misery and see them objectively, they do not expand one's senses and ideas but release the attachments instead. When one becomes nothing, one realizes what one is not, that those things are not life and death, that they are a part of oneself but not oneself.

@Oppositionless Now that's a good question, I can't experientially confirm anything yet. There are many reincarnation models and one would wonder what exactly the condition for an NDE or actual death experience is. Does the brain have to be destroyed, what about all the distributed sensations in the body? If one is completely frozen, does that just freeze consciousness, so that no time would pass in the mean time and it would feel like a night of sleep instantly awakening to the future? And then the nature of the self and probable other selves, in fact the distinction between yourself and an identical copy, the nature of consciousness. Leo once said in one of his videos that there is only one god playing the character and everything else is fake, later he changed that to the infinity of gods each controlling a character and then you'd have to wonder if god simulating characters doesn't simultaneously live all of them anyway. And of course I'd kinda assume that there is a background god consciousness knowing exactly what happens to that individual soul of yours being frozen so I don't think you'd be taken out of the body just yet and get to experience the future personally. Many models talk about coming to Earth on a mission choosing all experiences beforehand, but that's just from what I heard/read, all speculation and I can't even confirm the reincarnational model, even though I believe it ties things together really nicely and am inclined to trust it, but that's still an subjective gut feeling/assumption I go by.

Self-reflecting, 5-meo, sadhguru and dissociatives shifted my outlook and perspective lately, could it be that simple: Enlightenment is simply not giving a fuck (not identifying with struggles/desires) The real art is getting to that state of genuinely not caring though, by burning karma in whatever way works (doing, self-understanding, psychedelics) Self-actualization is being healthy, mastering emotions and finding something worthwhile to do in this life Without desires, we're content until the next survival task shift our consciousness Meditation helps regulate emotions, but chasing enlightenment leads nowhere There's lots of esoteric stuff which may or may not be real, it's part of pursuit/desire, knowing or doing anything about it doesn't change whether it's real or not, it's something to do out of curiosity and fulfillment as much as anything else and is equally valid/invalid in the grand scheme. It's a massive rabbit hole and I'm hella addicted, but that's what actualized.org is all about (nature of reality (though in this context the answers can be known (probably)))

I'm in a big transition phase in my life since I started doing psychedelics in September and had the greatest highs and lowest lows I ever had. At best, I discover deep traumas within me that subconsciously shape and determine the whole course of my life, all my experiences, desires and shortcomings and traps. At worst, the ego backlash makes it feels like I'm the worst and most pathetic person to ever exist, am wasting my time, am not worthy of actually existing and should go sacrifice myself for any first random cause I find and give up all and any desires and feelings I have or just end it altogether. With each trip, I peel of a layer of the onion ego and am astounded how impactful it is. Experiences include: "So that's what it feels like not to be in fear 24/7" or "That's what love feels like" or "I didn't know I had these feelings" or "I can't believe how much bs I'm tolerating and how little I think of myself" or "I wish I didn't end that relationship so abruptly or at least say how I really feel" or "I can't believe all these things that I found so difficult were actually this easy" or "In this state of mind I can do anything, now let's figure out what's worthwhile and make a plan" or "How far does this rabbit hole go and how do I transcend all the transcending?". I feel like I'm not doing enough and like introspection is a waste of time but in truth it made a massive difference: - Led to to quit my toxic job which was a literal assembly line with nothing of value to be learned - Reestablish a life purpose in the things that matter to me the most - Sign up for college which I postponed because I wanted to learn it all by myself but it offers accountability, environment, opportunities, like minded people and I don't have to go into debt - Travel outside the country and with the train for the first time in my life, spontaneously bikepacking for a week - Build foundations on basic life skills like cooking, managing the house, repairing my bike myself - Go outside and enjoy nature more - Become enthusiastic about my hobbies which I fell out of due to excessive perfectionism - Get inspired about learning new things about science, spirituality, art, psychology, practical things etc.. But with a list like that, I'm objectively making more progress than ever before in my life. It feels like I'm on a long retreat, not having to worry about any work or responsibility at this point in time and am trying to balance myself in 0G and create a foundation, learn to carry ever greater burdens, not to actually see them as such and balance it with self-compassion, to be content as I am and simultaneously continue to grow and improve. Learn to act out of an abundance mindset, face negative emotions head on through awareness, sit with them and inquire about their source and find ways to transmute negative energy without doing spiritual bypassing in the process. I am ever thankful for leaning the term "Ego-Backlash" from Leo's episode on it. It's a feeling of wasting time and simultaneous anhedonia, excessive unrealistic expectations, mental torture, reduced self-worth, alienation from others feeling like they have it all together at all times and I'm the only one struggling, being alienated from my own struggles despite their impact they made on me, lack of energy and existence itself requiring massive effort not to collapse under the weight of the incoming self-judgement, nevermind the energy to do the smallest things. It's mostly after trips that I face it but on one of my trips lately (50g Truffles + 3g Syrian Rue) I was somewhat immobilized purely by the mental strain of having to justify the mere act of existing to myself against being selfish, useless and a detriment to the universe. Every psychedelic trip expands my sphere of understanding, action taking, confidence and comfort zone. I often think that "that's it, now I can do things hard or easy and not suffer". When effort itself becomes a bodily sensation, not a mental strain. It is like pain without suffering, but it doesn't even have to be painful since that's a property of framing. Psychedelics made me realize a lot of things: - I live in a first world country, why am I so paranoid and miserable? - Why do handicap myself with a scarcity mindset and limit what I can do? - I have so many resources and opportunities, why not use them? - I am capable of overthinking the littlest things, it's absolutely bonkers, it's like an art form. As I laid my thoughts down in this writing, the backlash subsided, I started practicing sitting with discomfort without using external means like food to change my state of mind and take those feelings away, which I used to do. But as I'm getting a grip, it seems new layers are revealed. The ego backlash/homeostasis mechanisms I have identified so far are: - Anhedonia: No enthusiasm about anything and feeling like nothing will ever matter again - Distractions: - Surface Level: Junk food, porn, drugs, entertainment - Deeper Waters: Productivity, being useful, external validation, workaholism, routines, habits, exercise - Ocean Floor: Reframing, spiritual bypassing, self-care, friends, life purpose The deeper it goes, the healthier it gets and many of those activities are healthy lifestyle choices that are great by themselves for their own sake but they can also be used to avoid facing the shadow, so it's tricky. Sometimes, the feeling of ego-backlash might instead be a sign to engage in these activities but then again, the need itself and discontentment are a seed of problems in themselves if these activities are done out of need and fear instead of love or as an avoidance mechanism, though the presence of them usually indicates a larger/healthier and more flexible ego. Feelings of Shame / Guilt / Blame / Fear etc.: Can be framed/understood and integrated OR be paralyzing, lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms, detrimental mindsets, self-deception, internal zero/negative-sum conflict, paradigm lock, reckless behavior, mistrust, alienation, prejudice, limited perspective and self-suppression. The Fear/Disgust Combo - The Source of Discomfort: Weird feelings akin to an innate discomfort, uneasiness, the source of the feeling of disgust, of irrational phobias, of obsessive/compulsive behavior, sometimes fear of the unknown, of psychosis, a feeling of repulsion/fear, of ugliness, of resistance and avoidance, deterioration, gore etc.. This is a feeling I can trace back to childhood that can get entangled and associated with certain things and cause lots of suffering through coping behavior creating a paradigm lock. In the end, I work through it all, I learn new concepts to help me understand and face it, to propel me forward through the deconstruction of what holds me back. I face ego-backlash a lot and sometimes forget to identify it for what it is. In those times, it feels like I'm worthless and always will be, that I'm wasting my time, am overcome by Shame/Guilt/Disgust am Self-Blame and that all the progress I made is for neigh. I get "Aha-Moments", which are the expression of intuitive intelligence that expands perspective and breaks paradigms, but instead of appreciating that success, I feel like I discovered something obvious, everybody was already aware of and I'm just stupid for having taken so long to get there, yet it reframes all my understanding and makes me magnitudes better at handling my emotions/desires/relationships/goals/purpose. When unaware of the ego-backlash being just that, it feels like my entire world is falling apart, like all that I worked towards and all the positivity I cultivated is a fools errand and I'll be eternally miserable and I feel the need to live up to saints and superstars, to perform every feat that collective humanity and all the most skillful/spiritual individuals are capable of, that I need to be able to do everything, regardless of whether I want to or not, in every and all disciplines, or else I'm worthless/selfish/lazy/useless/bad, not even evil, since that's a role one can be effective in playing, but rather pathetic. And yet, I enjoy hours of research, learning new things, creating systems, learning how to learn, inventing omni-dimensional approaches where instead of learning by cutting the cross section of a topic 8 times, I just cut it once across three dimensions, getting the same 8 pieces with less effort/repetition and more understanding/inventiveness/context, increasing knowledge exponentially instead of linearly. To recontextualize all of reality through every new concept. It's the difference between the curiosity and an enthusiasm/abundance mindset and insecurity and neediness/scarcity mindset. Sometimes, in the absence of ego-backlash I feel like I'm given opportunities to face discomfort on my own terms and do something healthy, it's quite rewarding but I got to maintain self-compassion at all times. The more empathetic I am to myself, the better I feel and the more I do and I end up enjoying/loving the experience instead of being actively deterred from repeating it due to having to rely on discipline and shame to motivate me. It often times feels like making decisions from this mindset is overly slow, but repetition becomes effortless and fast. It's not what I'm used, Metaphorically, it's like switching from energy drinks and fast foods to tea and salads/fruits (though that's also what I've been doing lately) and learning to operate on consistent energy levels that don't peak but also don't fall and gradually grow. Ego Backlash is a real struggle, can be very debilitating and sometimes I have to sit with it for hours, but I feel like I'm getting the hang of it, especially when I journal about it like this post, maybe some of you will resonate, or have advice. It sure felt excruciatingly painful when I started writing and now I feel relaxed...

@Breakingthewall I had a profound experience before that felt like what I hear described as a kundalini awakening. I felt uninhibited for the first time in my life, like I broke through, like confusion/tiredness were not due to a lack of understanding or bodily imbalance but intentional ego mechanisms to maintain my barriers. It felt like I spoke for the first time in my life, like my throat had been a complicated system of dozens of gears and cogs until then, that were all discarded. I prayed properly for the first time in my life though it felt more like a confession and then my laugh and tears flowed like never before, like they were 100% unregulated and real. After all that release, I did not know what to do or where to go next, like the foundations of my life were things I had to invent myself, they were not given then, though I felt a profound sense of having to do something. It wasn't the end, I felt depressed shortly after and felt a deja-vu of not having made nay progress over the last months and then I faced a fear I had forever, that of solipsism, accepting it irregardless of whether it was true or not and I did and then I felt naked, despite wearing clothes, my mind was free and empty, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my heart, I felt so light, as if I was light headed but I wasn't, I felt like I was floating, I had to check whether I really wasn't, like I was being pulled up. I went into nature, expressed anger freely, then started thinking and all kinds of concepts flew through me, mixed and mashed in some many ways. On the following days, I felt anhedonia, though I went outside and maintained some qualities, but it felt like a peak that's been fading, like trauma had been released and I'm going back to baseline, sans those weights that burdened me so. And recently I had another release, I realized the root of a deep desire from my childhood, a sense of loneliness, that manifested in all aspects of my life, that I felt through. Being aware of it seemed to dissolve a lot of pain. Following that, I've been more active, though I'm facing ego-backlash a lot now. I've been integrating it all, I can see how emotions and mindstates are built by time and habit but are in truth like an snow ball turning into an avalanche of identity while my true nature is independent of that but gets wrapped up in all the build up. I am trying to integrate all that knowledge and feeling and intuition since...

@Water by the River Thank you for that long read and sorry, I really end up saying stupid things. These ideas go oppositely of what I usually hear, but it feels intuitively right. There are so many perspectives about the Buddhist "cessation of desire", the infinity of experience leading to a never ending chasing, ever biased perspective due to a less than infinite ego and I wondered whether one can short circuit it by going the opposite way, but that perspective was rooted in scarcity problem solving, not authentic/creative self expression. That would require shadow work and integration, I have been wondering about the ever growing extent of things to learn and experience and where resistance comes from. It innately feels right that mastery is a more desirable state than surrender, yet there are times where surrender is necessary, but as mechanism of expanding one's field of vision. There is the whole materialistic world view of acquiring more and more and that not leading to contentment, though that's likely to be due to neglect of spirituality and distraction from discomfort, rather than the positive experiences of attainment itself. I have been facing a lot of ego-backlash lately and sometimes I can't visualize myself content, no matter what I do or accomplish and then I wonder if I have been doing it all wrong, despite all progress and if the path must innately be suffered through without a reason or if that's a signal that I'm doing something wrong. Aspects of reality of interconnected and complimentary, there's lots for me to learn, so thank you for the guidance. That presence you conclude your post with is something I am trying to cultivate, because I chasing enlightenment makes me discontent and stressed in the mean time and it's an infinite self-realization journey, then with the wrong mindset, it sure would be a miserable one. I try to balance being content with the moment, enthusiastic in the activities I perform, patient about embracing the journey of learning new skills before they can be manifested in action, letting go of resistance and not confusing it with spiritual bypassing/reframing, unrepressing myself and aligning myself with that which I find personal meaning in, but it's not always straight-forward.

Whatever psychedelics do to the brain, imagine if we simulated those receptors in an AI and watch the effects. Or what if we input all the content from Leo's videos and let it make sense all of all of those and contextualize all of that teaching it holism, a great deal of experiences and human nature and all the philosophies and the means to create ideas and insights from scratch without context but just data. Or we do both and simulate psychedelic effects of the framework of all the data, or input human brain patterns before and after psychedelics and from many humans to generate an artificial reflection of our consciousness. But that's just a theory, A GAME THERORY! We'd either discover the multiverse and accelerate humanity by millennia every second, or maybe it'd destroy the universe, who really knows, sounds dangerous and exciting, a job only suited for a crazy scientist!

I don't seem to hallucinate or get out-of-body experiences the same way I hear it described in reports and portrayed in videos but when I move and leave my current environment on heroic doses, I seem to lose my train of thought, sense of self, environmental awareness, and experience an increasing sensory disconnection. That is to say, my vision seems to reset and lag behind in a way, that I do not know if I'm experiencing the present, past or future. I get the feeling that past senses overlap my vision, that my mind is simulating the future and overlaying it and that I do not know what is actually happening in the present. Maybe all I see is just precognition simulated by my mind while I am actually somewhere else, maybe I lag behind when I close my eyes and appear somewhere else and this false simulation will crumble and I was actually somewhere else, maybe I walked somewhere different and this is overlaid imagination. Maybe my mind is always simulating the future to an extortionary degree without my awareness to prevent terrible outcomes, maybe when something bad does happen it resets to a previous configuration and induces amnesia. At this point I have to use my phone camera to see more linearly even though it is still part of my vision, it seems more consistent. I have to kick the ground or grass or step hard and even when I see or feel that movement, I am unsure how real it is. I see tracers on moving objects and sometimes am not sure if an object passed twice or just a similar looking one behind it. I also get an almost 360 vision and everything in front of me is clear and the detail is maintained no matter the angle, objects look very distinct and contrast well against the environment, trees look more alive than ever, more sleek and organically colored, the branches having eyes and looking like alien antennas, trying to point to something, though I can't tell what, I just get the feeling they're like machines with the purpose of transmitting love like a radio in a radial fashion. The forest floor is made of clearly distinguishable geometrically related clearly identifiable pieces of branches, leaves etc. Well, weirdly enough I don't actually seem to be running into any objects despite the lag and even the back and forth lagging is reset to the present, which is weird because that includes going from future back to the present, like my intent is seen before its materialized. When I gaze long enough at a spot, my vision fractals, at some point my whole vision becomes spherical and I get the feeling that I am the center and cause of my environment, a self-projected reflection and the epicenter of experience. The whole inter and intra-sensory disconnect, past, future, present separation, geometric recreation, vision singularity, it all really feels like my mind is making it all up on the go independently creating and choosing the world it is apart of and which changes to accept and bend to, phasing through existence and experience, like it's not just identifying an external world but actively creating the dimension in which it exists and is then willfullingly changed by. It's a lot to take in.

Is it the matrix of societal role, behavior, purpose? Is the the concepts, ideas, science? Is it the idea of god, psyche, identity overall? Is it the surrender of exploration and understanding in and of itself? Is it that of perception, experience, insight? Is it that of existence, relation, duality? Is escaping the matrix part of the matrix? Is any and all form part of the matrix? Is it the duality of observer and observed? Is it the autonomous sense making experience? Is it perception in and of itself? Is it existence in and of itself including the seeking of non-existence which cannot exist as existence exists as long and always when it does which is all and ever? Is it to navigate states of consciousness to see the limitations and know the difference, but everything is a state of consciousness? What matrix is supposed to be escaped and how, to which extent, to all extent? And if so, what is that apparently desirable non-matrix supposedly? Is it absolute contextlessness from which all context arises and which allows for every thing while being no thing? Is that it? Absolute Infinity? Is reality not an infinite fractal with no bottom and top? Well, that is an idea, maybe the absolute does exist but how would one know to have reached it or if the one seeking it dissolved from even being someone at all and just became it, how would that experience tell if it wasn't locked inside invisible walls? Unless its the intuition and experience in and of itself pointing towards the consequence of such existence that links to such experience.

I started psychedelics exactly 5 months ago. I solved lots of neuroses on my first trip which opened me up to go journeying and I had 3 more trips that week doubling the dose each time. I got in tune with my body, then my heart and also reached my limits on the last trip which felt like amnesia but I learned lots there too. I came back weeks later and continued, profoundly questioning the structure of society, my capabilities and the nature of human behavior. The next trips led me to question fear, learn to surrender and epistemology. Weeks later I was more active than ever, became more athletic, present and also interested in the 60s psychedelic generation and aliens. Weeks later yet I tried hyper-heroic doses to dissolve as far as possible and that filled me with amazing ideas and eventually taught me the value of the duality of surrender to that which I can't control and at the same time of growing myself experientially to be capable of carrying ever greater burdens and weights. A week later, I explored metaphysical ideas of material and immaterial reality. And a week later I explored the consistent change of my self as I saw my body consistently materialize and dematerialize while I as the perceiver remained a constant. And now which is weeks later after that, I got into the habit of daily psychedelic use and I feel like it would be more beneficial to integrate and space out the trips to reset tolerance and adjust my baseline to the insights and build myself up naturally. At the same time, psychedelics feel like accelerationism and I feel like I'm sprinting and throwing a ball in front of me and psychedelics are the acceleration that I do to speed up and catch that ball which has additional momentum and I run faster as a result, repeating that motion. If I could be psychedelic all the time and integrate that level of awareness, I could be doing 10 things simultaneously full of passion, my body intuitively carrying out motions and recognizing meta-patterns, handling everything like inverse kinematics. Lately, I've recognized myself repeating the routine, of the first half of the day filling myself up with existential dread and psychic pain that feels like the lowest low and the later half of the day moving like a sinewave to immense energy, presence and appreciation. Each evening, seemingly independent of when I too psychedelics or if I even did, I am overcome with great calmness and an amazing perceptual clarity, seeing my environment in vast detail in the reflection of surfaces, the strength of colors and an amazing overarching focus of all things simultaneously. It's like, when I take psychedelics, I recontextualize all context I have, and any next trip recontextualizes my recontextualization, leading to exponential expanding of my understanding, and because of that, it feels like I'm limiting my potential when not tripping. Though it would teach me much to gather more data and experiences before tripping anew, despite the fact that it appears unnecessary because on psychedelics insights just show themselves to be outside anything I can conceive at the time.

I guess this formulation is rather strange, since nothing survives death, as death itself is literally defined by the disappearance of the very thing that dies. So what I'm really asking then is what reality warps into and what shape consciousness takes after the body disappears. I guess there's infinite potential for illusion and wishful thinking regarding that this cannot be confirmed except by actually dying, unless psychedelics expand the mind enough to somehow reach it. Reality constantly changes, or my experience of it does, the surroundings, what they're made of, the time on the clock shifts. Living things appear to age, the environment reforms. I only really experience motion, though some things seem more static than others. One time, when I was on a solid amount of psychedelics, I looked into the mirror and the shapes and colors on my face seemed to flow outwards while new ones replaced the old ones flowing behind them, like the form of my face was constantly changing and being replaced, yet the overall silhouette stayed the same. Imagine an invisible force field which dematerializes and rematerializes itself with whatever resources are available around it, knowing how to form itself and the material its made of just a means to an end to take on physical form, constantly changing while its essence and awareness remained the same. Like I'm dying and being reborn every millisecond of existence and yet I seem to be continuously present and perceiving and knowing despite constantly dying and being reborn and not being the same as before and every some often huge amount of cells, body cells, brain cells and the structure of my body are replaced, yet my sense of self remains, like a form that is the constant among the change. Like I materialize reality this way while all that I see is constantly morphing and changing, but the essence exists outside of that change. My greatest bias is continuity, knowing, being conscious, having a broad sense of awareness, the ability to perceive and understand my environment or integrate my past experiences into a greater whole which allows me to see and access everything at once and appreciate where I am and the experiences I collected. My greatest fear is not this body dying or eventually changing, but losing awareness and memory and especially the conscious experience of existence. What experiences and insights have you gathered so far regarding death and its relation to conscious experience?