Keryo Koffa

Just boof up a kilo of 5-Meo and inhale a campfire worth of DMT

@James123 Trying to follow. There's an arising non-dual capital E Experiencing. Within it shapes, ideas, thoughts, a monologue, an understanding, a connecting. A voice and text retroactively classifying, labeling and dividing parts of the Experiencing which is itself part of the Experiencing and a simultaneous arising of a feeling of understanding. A feeling of a self being and influencing aspects of the Experiencing, which is an experience within the Experiencing, "I am doing all this" is a feeling and text that is an arising. But there is only Experiencing and whatever is within it appears to take a shape, but it's always an experience of an automatic process with a sense of agency continuously evolving as part of the Experiencing which itself is nothing more than a non-dual Experiencing containing disconnected parts that appear to form a self-aware gestalt within itself, but it's essentially just Experiencing being. That means there is a self as an experience but no actual experiencer to which the Experiencing happens, right? The experiencing contains a sensation which the feeling of a self coupled with a feeling of identification and understanding relating to the illusion of another self typing and the sensation of a previous self understanding and continuing to read ends up ultimately feeling the sensation of imagining reading "Sorry, overthinking is fun lol" as an experience arising within Experiencing.

Maybe everyone has psychic powers and collective ignorance/gaslight is unconsciously being channeled into the very suppression of those abilities creating a global ceiling through the power of mass belief?

@Someone here All I know is consciousness for I can only know anything by being conscious of it and consciousness itself precedes any experience that arises inside it. The brain is an arising form and idea within consciousness that has a strong, very direct feedback loop with the rest of reality, which itself is another experience within consciousness. It's just that the link is so direct, as if the brain is consciousness self-reflecting, yet it is expanding, yet chemistry may be able to explain that expansion. I just really wonder if the brain changes as a result of conscious experience, with consciousness retroactively adjusting the brain, its physical counterpart, or the mechanical growth of that physical counterpart that is the brain results in the expansion of arising conscious experiences. It feels as if consciousness is inexplicably tied to the brain, if only I could verify conscious experiences existing independently of it, but that always brings me back to the potential of there existing a counterpart in some dimension that through mechanical deterministic laws manipulates the nature of conscious experience and consciousness being a hallucinatory experience not being able to account for such preceding structure. But of course consciousness could be completely immaterial and everything inside being intentfully imagined without needing a physical counterpart at all.

@Schizophonia I remember pretending to take psychedelics in a placebo visualization before sleep then becoming lucid in, closing my eyes still seeing the room, opening and closing them to confirm that I can see with my eyes closed, then closing one eye and seeing the inside of some apartment building through it walking around while I was still seeing my room from the other, then I woke up into another dream of the room with warping colors and then I woke up for real. I think we can actually train or convince ourselves into such experiences or maybe it is simply that we have the ability to control and direct our experiences consciously but since nobody talks about it we didn't know it's possible. I was in a forest on LSD once and chanted, focused and concentrated to the point that within my vision, the tree branches aligned into what looked like a fractal space, a three dimensional grid but that grid was made of weird alien forms like hollow hyper-concave geometry. I was able to replicate this somewhat even when sober by staring at the outlines of tree branches for extended periods of time and on psychedelics the effect is enhanced where it forms an overarching structure shaped like a dome made of connected humanoid poses. There sure is a lot to explore in this regard, but it really takes a lot of focus and dedication on my part so I've deviated away from it...

@Davino I am progressing in that direction, but I always seek to contextualize everything. Non-Duality is a great way to transcend a paradigm, I've also been deep into the Seth Material, but it is a lot. Still, it accounts for all possible contradictions and flashes out the nature of the universe in the most fundamental sense. I do actually have to really awaken to these insights however in my direct experience and to change my actual perception. That the difference between materiality and immateriality is imaginary and everything is consciousness. That my unconscious beliefs are responsible for shaping all aspects of my life. The fact that I identify it as life and me as myself, retroactively enforcing such dualities. But to just give up on that doesn't feel right, instead I'm getting to the root of it, interconnect reality, dissolve barriers, transcend paradigms and find understandings that eliminate contradictions. Maybe that process itself is a problem, but I am letting a lot of karma pass through me and let it go in the process, where there was always a pent up feeling before. Intuitively I know that everything is consciousness, but I'm figuring out what that means and how to navigate, understand and embody this insight.

A person approaches the subject, light reflected off that person enters the subject's eye, turns to brain signals, creates an image, gets contextualized, elicits a reaction, sends brain signals to fascial muscles, makes a reaction face. But from the moment of having a reaction to it being shown through facial expressions, there is a time lag. The external reaction is a mirror of the internal reaction but it is just a manifestation, not the thing itself. The actual conscious emotional experience is not actually observed, just it's shadow. Thinking through that context, where is a person anyway? They're not their body, but their body is an expression of them, a feedback loop that creates their identity. But where's the person, between the eyes, when I look into a mirror, am I between my eyes? No, all I can see of myself is an equally arbitrary content of my experience, everything is inside consciousness. 360 degree, all covered. The observer (if there even is one) is nothing, for anything is an experience, and any experience is not experiencer so there is no room for the experiencer. The experiencer is the experience, but what is the consciousness that ties it all together? Is it nothing? But consciousness is not nothing, yet it is the experience and experiencer. I'm confused, help

@Yimpa Cringe lacks context, I cringe at the videos I recorded, but remembering the perspective and transformation, I understand, still can't bear to look at some of them, I released so much trauma, energy and emotion, that looking at it without context makes me look super crazy cringe. But when I do remember, I just smile.

God gives you autonomy like a good parent. You are also a part of God still unaware of the greater being There are many things that connect you but also separate and distract you, yet it is all parts of God you see What limits you from seeing god are limitations, fear and unconscious beliefs, but also a lack of perception You create your reality and shape your unconscious beliefs, you can only progress through authenticity Do what feels right in your heart, you may not see god but he might speak through you and show himself through signs and the world

I became directly aware of what's you're saying in my last trip, new reality constantly flowing out from inside of myself It seemed like I was transformed every second, acquiring new characteristics while I shed my old skin like a snake Also, God's must be pretty smart to be able to go outside of himself when he's already Infinite

Sadhguru is ecstatic, so it's not the age. Hippies looked pretty happy, so they were made illegal. Is there even a part responsible for that? Sounds like a cultural expression of an innately formless aggressive quality that can be channeled any kind of way, an outward thrusting characteristic that creates a positive momentum for extrinsic action and physical expression that can be channeled towards growth and creativity. It needn't be tied to violence, violence itself is an act of separation and bad faith all too easily propagated however, continuing through lineages like an eye for an eye turning the whole world blind until someone is ready to forgive, since from an understanding of Non-Duality everyone is you, if only everyone was aware of that.

Each month now, I look at the past one and find it insane how much I changed. Recently, I gave up on my greatest desire and neurosis, loneliness, to find someone who I can connect with on a deep emotional level and understanding. I was looking for it for as long as I can remember. I'm an only child and felt very isolated even when I was 5. Throughout my life, this made me very needy but also uniquely appreciative of friendships, but I've suffered each moment I was by myself and it seemed like something that could never be fulfilled, as I'd always seek more of it and would feel doubly terrible when disconnected. But now I let go of that external desire during my last trip, it was painful, sad, angry, I projected a part outside of myself into the world to be united with, I yearned to turn the suffering into ecstasy at the reunion, yearned for a soul mate. To integrate that part back into myself and surrender that massive energy felt like giving up, like sunk cost. But then I felt free, empty, content. It had been an endless desire I could continuously appreciate and suffer for eternity but would never fulfil since the mere presence of such a person would make me joyful, but any even temporary disconnection miserable. I realized the pattern of externalizing desires in form of projection and in the act of disconnection depriving oneself of joy. I realized the pattern of suppressing childhood trauma and looking for ways to cope with it. I realized the rigidness, stiffness, energy blocks that arose from creating a sense of separation. Inherently, I don't even see the action of projection and reflection as a negative, for a child it is the sense of play, throwing a boomerang, externalize a piece of oneself, observe it, modify it and reintegrate it into the whole. But the way one goes about this and the belief in the absoluteness and objectivity of such action not being an internal projection but an inherent separation and true reality is what creates massive suffering, that lets people project their desires onto reality and chase them outwardly all their life, becoming insecure, fearful, aggressive and addicted, discontent, miserable. Now that I identify it as the frontier of meaningful action, to recollect and reintegrate all parts of myself that I project outwards internally by becoming aware of the illusion of separation and arbitrariness of desire, I seek to surrender. Desires are arbitrary, I could imagine wanting to be an astronaut going to mars and I it's something I could act upon but in reality I may not be capable of it. I may want to grow wings and fly, but I don't see that happening. There are simply goals and desires too large to fulfil, or what if I wanna murder everyone, impulses that just aren't realistic enough or even desirable enough to be actualized externally. And because there is at least one thing that I can't do and one can be happy despite that, may as well expand that paradigm to include all desires and find contentment. This all of course is overcoming trauma and doing shadow work but I can already imagine finishing that process at some point and why not progress steadily to the next paradigm. What comes after surrender of all desires and the built up skill to dismiss them as they are? I would become nothing but unless that makes me dematerialize from this world, I'll still be existing here. If I change my paradigm from fearing unconscious separation and conditioning my happiness on external action, then what's next? Sure, I can become a monk, but that sounds kind of boring. Boringness might be a projection of unintegrated parts distracting me or maybe its a natural healthy state of a lack of trauma that leads one into a positive abundance paradigm of creating a life purpose. I do have a life purpose, but I want to free myself of the need of it and instead do it from a paradigm of boredom, passion and maximum present focus. But then I might be missing lots of insights, paradigms and spiritual concepts that limit my current perspective, so then that's what the post is about: Expand my mind

@r0ckyreed Contemplation is great but it's like combining various ideas, while meditation is opening yourself up to new ones and going beyond the mind into the realm of pure experience. Not to say that I have experience with that, I've been too impatient to even start, but now I will. I wonder if it can get you anywhere near psychedelics. Also a way to compare them is like chugging energy drinks to get things done vs receiving a massage.

@Ramanujan First of all, don't buy into the loser-winner paradigm, it doesn't serve anyone. Those who identify as losers don't take action and waste their energy complaining, self-sabotaging and creating an unpleasant limited life for themselves while those who identify as winners have to constantly stress themselves about maintaining status and becoming workaholic, narrowing their experience and appreciation of life in the process. Secondly, use books as guides, don't worship them like gods and do actively incorporate their lessons mindfully, but don't limit yourself to any single narrow perspective for too long. Whatever you do, go through feedback to make sure it works out. It's just concepts, you decide what makes sense and test if it does, identify diminishing returns and question everything. Thirdly, if coding is your passion, then why aren't you excited to start your life now? You should be exhilarated to have found something you find enjoyment in, most people waste 1/3 of their lives hating their job, 10 years even if overwhelming is still better in comparison to that. Especially since you can now enjoy it. Also, don't worry about the future, Singularity will hit us 2050 at the latest and then none of us will care about any jobs anymore. Last but not least, why do you want to be rich, can you visualize the things you would buy, cars you would drive, places you would travel, houses you would own, what is it you want to spend it on. Please tell me it's not solely to show off or prove yourself. If you can visualize all these things that money would get you and are enthusiastic about them, then you just start exercising your imagination and that will fuel you to start doing. Also, you don't have to be rich to do many of these things and oftentimes we create our own limitations when there are many opportunities. Be clear about what you want. Also, for every millionaire that makes it, there are 10.000 that don't. It's a pyramid scheme, you better have plans on transforming reality if you're aiming that high.

Regarding the nature of reality including objectivity and subjectivity, I find myself learning much from Seth and finding much confirmation in my psychedelic experiences. It doesn't contradict Leo either, and also feels like the kind of reality I would create if I tried to have the best of all worlds and go really into depth and create the most complete and limitless version of the universe and explain all that I know of. One might be able to claim confirmation bias, but all I read is mind expanding in its nature of potentiality and that bias can be applied to anyone and anything irregardless of circumstance, especially through the concept of unconscious beliefs. I'm still integrating insights from Seth. The idea there is that all of reality is made of units of consciousness scaling infinitely across all dimensions, coming together to form a reality. They form gestalts as you and me, there are alternate potential and probable selves also distinguished by frequency, intent, imagined past and choices but there is no real self, just seeming ever morphing gestalts operating in tendon to create coherent desired experiences forming consciously or unconsciously through desires and beliefs, ever expanding portions of reality that become coherent on their own and become their own gestalts, with every part its own holistic portion, never at risk of disappearance but ever freely morphing into new shapes and forms expressing and changing identity. According to Seth, consciousness seeking out actuality through its beliefs and self-knowledge alternates between different dimensions of actuality, there are multiple versions of ourselves and they all morph into congruent realities creating them in the process of merging with other conscious selves congruent with the identity of such actuality. Here's some quotes: "No objective reality exists but that which is created by consciousness, consciousness always creates form and not the other way around, so my environment is a reality of existence and created by myself and others like me and it represents the manifestation of our development [...] You think that objects exist independently of you, not realizing they are instead the manifestations of your own psychological and psychic selves [...] you usually don't realize that your physical body is created by you at each moment as a direct result of your inner conception of what you are or that it changes in important chemical and electromagnetic ways with the ever moving pace of your own thought [...] there are no real barriers to separate the systems of which I speak, the only separation is brought about by the varying abilities of personalities to perceive and manipulate, you exist in the midst of many other systems of reality for example but you do not perceive them" "There is no static god, when you say: 'this is god", then god is already something else, I'm using the term god for simplicity's sake, all portions of All That Is are constantly changing, unfolding. All That Is, seeking to know itself, constantly creates new versions of itself, for this seeking itself is a creative activity and the core of all creation. Entities being action always shift and change, there is nothing arbitrary about their boundaries. Some personalities can be apart of more than one entity, like fish, they can swim in other streams, within them is the knowledge of all their relationships. Any personality can become an entity on its own, this involves highly developed knowledge of the use of energy and its intensities. As atoms have mobility, so do psychological structures. Consciousness seeking to know itself therefore knows you. You, as a consciousness, seek to know yourself and become aware of yourself as a distinct individual portion of All That Is. You not only draw upon this overall energy but you do so automatically, since your existence is dependent upon it" "The responsibility for your life and your world is indeed yours, it has not been forced upon you by some outside agency, you form your dreams and you form your own physical reality. The world is what you are, it is the physical materialization of the inner selves that have formed it." TLDR; The idea is that there is an underlying Entity that gives rise to conscious entities within it that themselves form subjective realities through self-discovery and can tune themselves into communication with each others to give rise to a consensus space which only exists as a result of their interaction. There is an absolute reality giving rise to them, a subjective reality encompassing the entirety of their local experience and a consensus reality which is the result of overlapping subjective experiences but does not exist independently. That framework is very complex and I believe to have heard that everything is made from consciousness including the smallest particles, but the gist is that the world is transient and only exists while conscious agents actively create in within their (shared) consciousness, only our experience exists and the world disappears when we aren't tuned to it, at the same time it is an eternal idea we can always chose to tune ourselves into because everything is a mental construction, a vibration and space but also created in the process and everything potentially possible exists eternally as an idea or memory or imagination, so what reality really is, is conscious entities imagining a specific dimension of reality into existence or dreaming it up using their internal senses, to find/create/discover that part of themselves. It's a lot to take in, I know, there are dozens of hours of audiobooks on YouTube and I'm listening to all of them. It really accounts for all kinds of conscious phenomena and gives a comprehensive understanding of all of reality that unites every contradiction one could possibly conjure up, you really have to hear it for yourself.

@SoulSurvivor Trip reports always feel so insightful, when I look back at my own I wonder if it was even I who wrote them, and so I wonder of others. Your insights are profound. The balance of continuously integrating new patterns and how everything is made of them. The balance of imbalance, the continuous growth, retaining old, attaining new, and not becoming attached. This trip focused on healthy selfless growth through the lens of patterns and integration. Appreciation, discipline, self-awareness, concise Non-Dual interconnectedness of concepts, I salute you.

@jacknine119 An important perspectival lens I discovered is the Self/Other Unity. When you judge another, you judge a part of yourself. Same with cringe, anger, etc., whatever you apply to self, applies to others, what you apply to others applies to yourself. Try building a framework of understanding behavior and how you interpret and perceive it, then apply the same rules to yourself and others. If you have confidence in your own universal judgement, you become less dependent on the judgement of others. If you struggle with cringing at yourself, you can use that to feedback yourself into shape and then you don't even need to face shame from others, but only from yourself, and you are 100% in control of your internal world, even if you're not always aware of it.

@BlurryBoi Since you're facing deep existential fears and don't know how to go about surrender, let me tell you a story about my own similar conundrum from half a year ago where I went completely overboard with psychedelics and it was absolutely crazy, scary and fascinating. Everyone on the forum was talking about figuring out reality being a waste of time and the only action to take being surrender. The way I interpreted that was that everything was that everything is an illusion and I was literally meant to dissolve into nothingness, thinking that's the ultimate point of life. So I went ahead and chugged 75g of truffles with orange juice to initiate the gulp reflex in three moves with the sheer intention to let go of everything I cared about, everything I knew, thinking, feeling, understanding and unexist myself. I put on hardcore breakcore music and decided to speedrun letting go. I sat down on the bed and asked myself some questions about god, it seemed like answers were coming through me but from another source. I decided to visit a random actualized.org forum post but couldn't read because it was literally made of hieroglyphs, I focused very closely on a specific segment and it said something akin to "You are not self" and "There is no self", I couldn't read anything around it, it all looked like Allison Grey's secret writing. I lied down, barely managed to find the music, put it on and closed my eyes. I confronted different parts of myself externalized, they took form of alien lifeforms geometrically centered around a specific trait and weakness. The psychic was a fool, the strong one was weak, the loving one was monstrous, the happy one was useless, the content one created backlash, the strategic one was reckless, the alien one I became. For the next hours I found myself in alien dimensions exploring microscopic life, the structure of DNA and epigenetic variability, sacred geometry, esoteric knowledge and non-euclidian space. From time to time I had to run to the toilet and purge. Eventually, I was fine and lied down again. This time, I saw a terrifying monster but I became the buddha, I saw that monster as a distraction from becoming nothing, it had countless terrifying rectangular eyes all looking at me from different angles, but I wondered, a predator would simply kill me, this one looks scary but that's not effective, what's the purpose of looking scary anyway? It's a distraction! So I dismissed it with the peace of buddha and moved away from it. Then it became small and whimpered, like leaving it behind would kill it and it was only trying to survive, but it stood between me and enlightenment, I identified it as not an entity but a materialized mechanic ego defenses mechanism, so I dismissed it and became nothing, but not completely yet. Or at least I was merging in and out of existence. I became a mirror reflection, a crystal, a singular beam of light, the concept of gender, the loop of time, I didn't give up all parts of me yet, there were still lenses through which I saw reality. I saw time as a loop, everything repeating endlessly, every day identical until the end of time, every action taken later forgotten to be repeated, limbo. I needed to find a way to make progress, I would wake up and fall asleep again, waking up in the same loop with the same thoughts but I needed to become nothing. I thought about my parents and how I'd never make progress, repeating the same cycle, never getting anywhere. I woke up for a minute and then get overstimulated to the degree I'd end up in the same bed out of existence, then wake up the same way. I wouldn't know if I was repeating the same thing or actually made a change, but the loop seemed inevitable, I'd end up going through the same motions with the clock pointing at the same time, forever and forgetting, waking up again, putting on socks, preparing to step out of the room, only to not want to meet anyone in that state, going in a circle, but everything back and end up the same way in the bed. Like I'd never snap out of it, limbo. I felt like my kid self, I felt like I really screwed up, I felt like I disappointed my parents, well hypothetically since I'd never see them again stuck in limbo. This kept happening forever. At some point I was waking up for half a second longer than last time, this time I showed myself self-compassion, falling into bed all my worries dissolved and I felt so much love, I saw that love as the point of femininity, that being nothing and needing nothing was one polarity of existence experiencing absolute love and satiation through non-existence, then I woke up and felt stronger and more capable and saw this as the point of masculinity, making progress and the capability of bearing ever greater burdens and feeling equal but opposite maximum love as a result, maxing out my potential and capacities. I oscillated between nothingness and reality materializing for ever greater periods with ever greater capacities for activity and experience. I felt perfect because nothingness was absolute love but so was somethingness, the only problem would be to expect something of myself that lied outside of my experience but since reality was such a small bubble at the time and I was all of it at all times, I felt content. Eventually I returned for much longer periods, and my field of perception returned from being a vibrating sea of liquid mercury making up all surfaces into their normal detailed forms. I was disappointed, because I now experienced there being reality outside of my field of awareness, but on the upside I was now back to being able to make sense of reality and being aware of all the parts of life I lost. I looked at the clock, 6 hours had passed. This might have given me some existential angst, but really I was fine afterwards, a little traumatized maybe, but it was also deeply exhilarating. In retrospect, it was that time loop that was the worst imaginable thing to me, but every other part was amazing. Well, there was another part I didn't mention where I had the idea that every possible belief and counter-belief had to be true simultaneously and there'd have to be a transcendent one that included both and I could not utter a single word or concept or idea without compulsively accounting for the opposite anti-idea and making everything Non-Dual. What I learned from succeeding trips, dissociatives, new paradigms and self transformation: What doesn't kill you (or cripple you) makes you stronger, but you can be tempted to end yourself Psychedelic love is addictive, you need to find the traumas the keep you from it when you're sober Dissociatives are great tools for detachment and as a result finding all the resistance blocks inside If you do a lot, you'll go through a Dark Night of the Soul, fighting apathy, anhedonia, meaninglessness You can end up feeling utterly worthless and incompetent, feeling like you're the worst person alive You can also experience lots of fear, paranoia, projections, hallucinations, shadow entities and scary stuff You need to build up a universal sense of awareness and observe whatever happens with control and contentment Dissociatives are more effective at dealing with trauma, while psychedelics raise awareness and access new paradigms Dissociatives still need awareness to keep up that state of mind and face the underlying trauma and resolve it for good Combining dissociatives and psychedelics responsibly makes for a great combo for the release of the authentic self That combo specifically overrides self-suppression, confess all your reasons you are the way you are when on them Honestly look into your past to find the root of your beliefs and reasons you self-suppress in the present These are tools, you can do without, but they're powerful catalysts that overpower those barriers that keep you shackled This trip helped, but it took many many more to heal me and lots of self-understanding and experimentation My suggestions: Learn the basics of IFS Therapy off YouTube, it's a good framework for self-understanding, compassion and healing Experiment with reasonable amounts of Dissociatives, but remember that you're supposed to feel that way sober Set time aside, set and setting matter a lot, don't judge yourself too harshly, observe arising emotions Understand the sources of your troubles, be honest, be shameless, at least with yourself, be unreasonable but truthful Journal, take a look at your past, your motivations, your desires, what you authentically love and want and yearn for Sometimes, you are the one separating yourself from parts of yourself and seeking them in the outside world. In those cases, you can give up the pursuit and find them inside, but this costs emotional labor and feels deeply dissatisfying. Dissociatives dissociate you, psychedelics raise your awareness, use them for understanding and detachment to see yourself from the outside are that desires are a part of you but you are not your desires and you are the one separating yourself from happiness without being aware of it because you are tying your joy to an external experience you can't access and that is what you need to let go of and surrender, that's why it's hard. The nature of surrender is giving up the pursuit of the things you seek on the outside and instead focus on the process of living instead of achieving, this can feel deeply dissatisfying at first, because you are giving up on your passions, or at least that's what it feels like, but actually you're just giving up on the results, instead choosing to focus on the process and finding joy in it instead of needing the outcomes for happiness. You also need to become more self-compassionate and this can look selfish, you need to put yourself first. Your entire life may change, but is knowing more ever a bad thing? It gives you choices, options and understanding, if nothing more, seek self-understanding of what makes you you. As Leo once said "Awareness itself is curative" if you do enough of it.

@What Am I Indeed, at first I thought Kundalini and Psychedelics were completely unrelated, but the more I experience, think and connect the dots, the more I realize how connected everything is. Kundalini is visualized as energy rising through the spine through energy centers. There are Yoga techniques that unlock that wave of energy, both through body exercises and meditation. But really, one has to see that Kundalini is everywhere, the flow state, great athletic effect, cold exposure, shamanic breathing, meditation, psychedelics, dissociatives, cannabis, stimulants, anything that creates a sense of meaning and power within you, anything that releases energy barriers, anything that empowers you or makes you go all out, or sets you free, it's all interconnected. On my last psychedelic trip, I started doing yoga spontaneously, I pressed myself into different positions to become as flexible as possible, I started cracking my spine as I crack my fingers, releasing the building up stiffness, it's like memory is saved in that stiffness or spine itself and engaging it, movement, running, a cold plunge, being authentic with oneself, prayer specifically confession, physical pain, love, meaningful relationships, life purpose, strong fear, fight or flight, self-control, it's all a form of Kundalini Energy. The question is how one reacts, how aware one is of it, how one uses it. It's like we have a natural tendency towards comfort and peace. Maybe they themselves are not bad but there is something about the suppression process of living in a society, following rules, being obedient, externalizing status, being polite, playing by the rules that stifles that energy, makes it physically turn into stiffness, stiff bones, stiff muscles, all kinds of diseases and bodily ailments, fat storage, lack of energy, its suppressed energy. During my last massive trip, I felt like that life energy wanted to be released, like it'd go to waste if I did nothing, like it'd make me sweat and uncomfortable or be saved as stiffness or fat. So I went jogging and took a cold plunge, it felt like I was burning my body away, but in a good way, I wanted to burn all of my physical body away and become free, become a pure energy being and saw all of my body but also all my psychological turmoil as karma to be released, as weights to be let go of, as discomfort and self-suppression to be gotten rid of. But as I returned home, the trip was ending and my body started adjusting to the ambient temperature and get cold again and I started feeling hungry again. I felt it throughout my life, it's like the energy release when you sit around for a long time and then walk out and start jogging or cycling, it's that immediate sweating and heat that continuous for as long as you keep going, when you stop, you cool down and then it's gone, you can still get into it but now you have to work for it, it doesn't come as naturally as the first time, kind of like glycogen saved up in the body compared to working with ketons, it's pretty interesting really...

@BlurryBoi Ketamine and other Dissociatives, if used responsibly in moderate doses are actually an amazing tool. Instead of expanding your perspective and shooting massive waves of energy through you, it relaxes your mind and body and externalizes your attachments, so you can view them from the outside. Your intuition is hypercharged, you do things naturally using your intuition more so than conscious thought. You are more in tune with your authentic self, but unlike psychedelics, instead of perceiving and understanding it, you simply become it. It kind of feels like you're on autopilot to some degree. This can become an addiction if you don't focus on understanding and integration, but it's a huge relief and you can simply be yourself without judgements, those are stripped away from you, you get to experience what being at peace is like. It's important though to find out exactly why that is not your default state and figure out what is blocking you and what events in your life made you that way. I recommend IFS Therapy, you don't need to visit a therapist, just learn about the concept and work through it yourself. It did wonders for me. Dangers: Like alcohol, your mind can become incoherent in higher doses, just like any other class of drugs, benzos, opiates or heroic psychedelics doses you can become overwhelmed and dissociated enough that you temporarily forget who you are, where you are, etc. and can do nothing beyond lying around daydreaming, not being able to make sense of your environment. This is not to discourage you, just like with every other drug, be careful. Double check and read trip reports and dosages, though as long as you stay within the dose range on the Psychonaut Wiki, you should be fine, start small and get a sense of the experience. My first time was confusing and disorienting, uncomfortable, like an alcohol buzz. My second was also weird, but I gained an appreciation for the intuitive auto-pilot and absence of the perfectionism that was stifling my activities. The third time I overdid it and couldn't make sense of my environment, feeling like a lost child in an alien world. After the fourth time, I felt anxious and incompetent for the next two months, because I realized how much my fears had been holding me back my entire life and how little I know about life and how everything works and how open and curious I become on dissociatives. Some following trips made be revert into a vulnerable, sad and afraid child, I needed support, surrounded myself in comfort and watched some movies, taking psychedelics during that trip lead to a full blown psychedelic throat chakra kundalini awakening where I felt like my authentic self for the first time in my life. Lately, one trip led me to anger and mania to transformed my grief and low self-worth into action and passion, self-introspection revealed deep childhood trauma and I grew as much if not more than on psychedelics. At this point, I can do all the things I learned on dissociatives sober, or on light/micro doses, but there's always new things to learn and paradigms to transcend. I wish you good luck if you do want to try, don't overdo it, but also don't give up to quickly, but also be responsible, but also be intentful and aware and remember my experiences, at least that's the advice i'd give my past self.

Since this discussion has turned into the drawbacks of abusing psychedelics, Let's go over this: 1. There is no scientific evidence but science doesn't know anything, all it does it throw around Buzzwords like 5HT-2A Agonist, Default Mode Network Disruption and Interconnection of Brain Areas and that's it, everything else is derived from random speculation based on those and Serotonin being correlated with Good Health and Mood. 2. People experience Great Trips, Awful Trips, HPPD, etc. and all we hear is that it's "Psychological", since science doesn't find any "physical anomalies". From all we know it's just our reaction to our mental blocks based on our level of self-acceptance, self-understanding and sense making of the nuance we encounter. Taking heroic doses might get us into states where the observed is changed and modulated as much as the observer, so one faces temporary amnesia, mania, panic, etc., states of mind become externalized and one might lose their sense of self and understanding, as the neurons responsible for maintaining awareness are overflooded and disrupted. 3. Based on many experiences of transcendent states, there is something resembling Kundalini Awakening, where massive amounts of energy flow through the body, breaking barriers, resistance and might be too much for the body to handle. Leo talked about this in one of his videos where it felt like there was lightning shooting through his fingertips, burning them slightly, due to this massive release. This part is important and I experienced it in many ways as well, having so much energy and being so overwhelmed by sensory stimulation that it's uncomfortable. I wasn't prepared at the time and wanted it to stop, I did not progress as much as I could and it brought about some suffering. There is something to be said of going beyond your limits similar to lifting weights beyond your range and hurting yourself in the process, you need to build yourself up towards it and rest afterwards. 4. Leo has this idea of equivalent exchange, but it can be seen from a billion perspectives. Why isn't our life perfect? Have we done something wrong? Have we not suffered enough? Is it meant to be bad? Is it our limiting beliefs? This mindset doesn't allow any growth, it's a zero sum game. According to that, we can never make any progress because we end up with something else that's equally bad regardless. Letting go of ego, becoming more selfless, maybe the trade off is exactly the emotional labor, forgiveness, giving up on hedonistic pursuits, constant striving for self-understanding and compassion, having to take responsibility and work. Maybe psychedelic ego-death and facing a bad trip and emptiness that is giving up on your identity is exactly the trade off and that's all there is to it? Maybe we're inventing reasons not to do psychedelics because we feel it's too easy compared to the survival we've been accustomed to? Maybe it's avoiding self-deception, maybe it's the fact they're illegal, maybe it's facing the hardships of change and transience, maybe it's the responsibility of integrating the trips. The argument of "They don't come for free" is an assumption, a reasonable doubt based on life experience, but it's creating a premise a priori and trying to prove it right, circular logic. Sorry for the rant but it's basically saying that a kid made to suffer all his life through apathy and lack of autonomy and purpose choosing to end his life has an equivalent experience to a joyful kid travelling around the world, learning about himself and others and living an amazing life is equivalent because "everything has a trade off". Maybe its learning the meaning of suffering or appreciation etc. and maybe there's reincarnation or god has a plan for both, but come on Leo, I know the way you speak in your video about Responsibility, shaming victim mentality and telling us to have a life purpose and live a most fulfilling life of resilience and selflessness and how contemptful you look at those who drink their life away. 5. "Have you considered the alternative interpretation" that activating your brain like that can lead to a healthy engagement in real life activities and brain function that increases lifespan, quality of life and appreciation for reality, health and the actual reason why such is not the default is because of our faulty self-sabotaging cultural paradigms, self-deception and self-worth problems that are all corrected by gaining a higher perspective and being overfilled by love through the healing experience? 6. Tolerance exists and I myself experience anhedonia on the next day somewhat like a hang over. But I actually learned to appreciate it for giving me a perspective not tied to any one thing and taking a step back where nothing has meaning but that lets me be more objective and detached during. 7. It's hard to sleep 8. You can become psychologically addicted to transcendent states that you cannot recreate naturally and rely on psychedelics for happiness, you may also withdraw from life if you don't integrate your lessons or use them as escapism, but that's true with any addiction and psychedelics usually compensate for that by giving you ever worse trips until you get your shit together. 9. There's a non-zero percent chance that you become an actual alien, gain psychic abilities, or hallucinate yourself away

It seems Non-Duality is the answer. I should really include that among my default lenses of understanding. I guess a more direct question is "Where is the feeling of self and consciousness located?" And my immediate intuitive hunch is the feeling of self is as much itself as the color red. And consciousness may be an existential property of being experienced at all times by virtue of being everything within experience and potential. But then, can there be being without consciousness? Can it go unobserved or blocked from expression and still exist? And the answer to that would be that my perception constantly changes and there are tons of things outside my experience that go unobserved. Which leaves me really just curious about the mechanisms and interconnections of the manifesting reality and that's the relative domain of science that can be explored to infinite depth. I really wanna analyze how taking action, self-perception and intention work, definitely adding that to the to-do list on my next psychedelic trip, although I wanna flash it out and expand my understanding as much as I can until then. Thank you all @Hojo Am I the godhead lost in ego or an ego experience within the Godhead, that is to say: I wonder how far I can dissolve my identity and if that would affect that which I call objective reality, which refers to: hard walls, not falling through the ground, Euclidian space, etc. @Inliytened1 I see, Non-Duality it is! @Davino I will, do you happen to have a specific metaphor or insight to share? @A Fellow Lighter I was thinking about the observer becoming nothing the more it is deconstructed and consciousness seeming like a kid of aether that includes and connects all experiences, but not really being able to be made sense of without them, since that awareness has to take a form to be itself, otherwise, would it be consciousness of non-existence? Doesn't really make sense, though I can imagine consciousness of the lack of existence, it's just that consciousness as I see it always takes a form, even if it is the awareness of awareness, it's pretty strange to visualize it on its own, but it definitely is a property, or a dimension, a kind of space or maybe a void, not nothing but barely something in itself, like the axis of numbers but without the numbers.

@NoSelfSelf Let's see if I get this: You're disillusioned with authority based objectivity and realize that truth seeking is a personal endeavor filtered through subjective lenses of purpose. Varying subjective lenses can coexist due to a difference in lifestyle, purpose, intent. Since all external information is essentially a claim, you emphasize how essential Self-Understanding is, being the only way to actually access truth. I see you asking how we know what's best. You only know what works in retrospect, one can have experiential frameworks, good intentions and carefully observe situations to make informed decisions but we cannot predict the actual future. God may know all possible courses of action and which ones lead to the best outcome but we are not that omnipotent God right now that would make knowing what's right easy. Leo mentions relative objective truths. All models of reality are theories based on observation correlating with premise, they may be better informed and dismiss previous biased prescriptions based on deception and paradigm lock but they are a map, not the territory. We can get more objective by being in tune with our biases and gaining more experience to flash out and interconnect more dots. We can also create logical frameworks that are true by definition and work through that. Experience creates a deeper understanding of reality, hence more objective, less reliant on specific parts. Regarding your example about science (objectivity) of genes limiting someone's athletic potential. Science is a study, yet it often generates claims based on lack of counterexamples creating dangerous and stifling paradigms of limitation that can create toxic narratives until they're shattered by someone like Wim Hof proving them wrong. Science is not Objectivity, healthy science knows its limitation and strives to be as objective as possible, but it can only do so much. But then maybe you want to know about that example from a perspective of absolute truth. If you were omnipotent and knew the extent of your athletic potential, it would still give you a choice to start or not to, it would transform your struggle from desiring to be the best to an activity you would decide to engage in out of the pure joy of it, or make a better decision that would allow you to compete without wasting time. Note that nothing you hear is absolute objectivity, most of the time we generate self-limiting paradigms based on previous experiences. Question others, question science, question spirituality, question me, question Leo and most importantly question yourself and your own beliefs. Regarding your second reply about the relation between Absolute Truth, Objective Truth and Subjective Truth. Absolute Truth is the ground and fabric of reality, the source of all possible experiences and the exact way it manifests itself through you, that is the direct experience of it uninterpreted. Subjective Truths are constructed in response to that Absolute Truth and are an interpretation of it, as Leo mentioned there are Relatively Objective Truths like the earth being round, these are based on continuous multi-perspectival observation by different people agreeing on the premises. You might say: I prefer apples, another might say: I prefer oranges. Those are subjective truths, the relative objective truth is that you both agree on the existence of apples and oranges, the absolute truth includes your preferences and the existence of those, but at the same time it renounces those, apples and oranges and taste and preference are interpretations and assessments of Absolute Phenomena given labels and forms. The absolute truth as I understand it is the ground of being from which all possible interpretations can originate, it is and is not them, it is beyond but includes them, it is nothing but everything and makes it possible for all possible states, combinations and interpretations to coexist. Imagine there are no atoms, no ideas, no stories, just energy, pure energy vibrating at various frequencies, the same energy taking different forms, everything is the same wave, the same elephant and we just happen to see different parts of it, it is all those parts and their opposites and nothing at all, and everything too. @Leo Gura Even with all this writing, I have questions myself, if God says "Let there be light" or "Let there be an earth", are those illusions or reality, is God playing a game of self-deception when in truth there is noting specific/infinity or is that possibility equally true to infinity, isn't everything absolute including subjective opinions? Of course they're emerging properties of observation but in themselves they have a shape inform, the ego dreams as god does. God dreams big, ego dreams small, though the ego interprets rather than creates, but then isn't imagination creation? Or is it the relation between God's intention and the Ego's misunderstanding that separates those? Then again, isn't the ego another perspective, maybe God has various scales like Absolute Unity and then a low duality state of knowing his creation and seeing it which means he'd have to externalize himself of it as a perceiver but that still feels pretty objective. Is God the ego as soon as he isn't 100% undivided? Is only nothingness absolute? Why is interpretation in and of itself as its own fabric absolute? Imagination exists as surely as the present experience in its own right. Though I guess the whole sense of self is a deception and all that comes with it but then what isn't. Pure vision, hand without the interpretation of it being a hand but just the perceived being itself? How is imagination not just another sense in that regard? Or is it the intentioned experience from God, but then on psychedelics, everything morphs, how is a morphing hand less real than a non-morphing hand when it is all equally part of God's imagination? How is any part less real than another, or is it the holarchy emerging parts on higher scales but then those scales go down and up infinitely, don't they, from the center, the present experience whatever it happens to be? So much writing, sorry Leo for taking your time, but you say a lot of things that I can't help questioning, although I know I can only really know through direct experience, I'd like to reconcile apparent contradictions.

A chad might be getting all the chicks and not care at all, no appreciation, you might have been him already and not cared. The only reason you care as much as you do is because you're subconsciously creating a massive separation internally. And that separation is so painful that you don't have the power to go after it externally. If you didn't care, there'd be no problem, but you want to care, you create a state of mind where getting it would lead to massive ecstasy exactly because of your lack, but that lack makes your life so miserable that taking action becomes excruciatingly difficult. You create a fantasy that is amazing but because it's so amazing your life sucks compared to it and because it sucks so much, you don't have the energy to go after it, but since you believe in its reality and objectiveness so much, you reinforce your separation from happiness and deprive yourself of willpower, intellect and determination as a result of your scarcity mindset stemming from your separation from joy and peace, counterintuitively reducing your chances of fulfilling that fantasy but also unnecessarily making yourself miserable too. We are not entitled to anything and only have control over our state of mind which materializes external actions There are multiple ways this can go down: 1. You keep complaining and waste your life being miserable, relying on the uncertainty of death to fulfill your desire. 1.1 Your desire isn't fulfilled, it simply ceases to exist as you lose the personality and lack that propels you to want it. 1.2 Your desire is instantly fulfilled without the dream scenario manifesting and you feel great but disappointed. 1.3 Having built up so much negative energy of lack, the bliss of having getting your dream scenario is immeasurable. 1.4 You have the power to fulfil your desires but would have to simultaneously become the girls you have sex with. 1.5 You get what you want, are happy forever, but would have preferred to have lived your life happily until then. 2. You get sex and feel worse because it feels great but you can't have it 24/7 and you suffer every second you don't get it. 2.1 You become reckless, do something stupid and end up in jail, unable to have sex and suffering forever. 2.2 You get a girlfriend who is as much a sex-addict as you and try to figure out how you two can live that life 24/7. 2.3 You find a way to get money and spend it on hookers every night, hating your life outside of that time. 2.4 Your life falls apart as your feeling of disconnection increases exponentially and your mental state declines. 2.5 You live as you always had, now knowing how to get casual sex but always relying on it for being happy. 3. You get sex, fulfill your desire and no longer care and now have to face the nihilistic void of losing your sole life purpose. 3.1 You enter a "Dark Night of the Soul", become depressed for a few months and eventually come out transformed. 3.2 The immeasurable disappointment makes you end your life but have nothing to look forward to in the afterlife. 3.3 You discover the limitation of sex but still feel a craving for love that makes you fall into another trap like romance. 3.4 You discover that sex is merely a small part of a loving relationship and become a better more caring person. 3.5 You question whether you experienced it all and get into all kinds of kinks, but these lead to the same conclusions. 4. You get your life together, so much so that you can enjoy sex regularly without it messing up your mood and self-worth. 4.1 You live a good life with either casual or stable relationships like most other people and are content with that. 4.2 You become disillusioned with the transformation being so easy and unconsciously self-sabotage your current life. 4.3 You live a normal stable life for a while and enjoy it but eventually bore of it and end up with the same compulsions. 4.4 You have a family and kids, the sex life with your with is satisfying but you find a greater purpose beyond it you love. 4.5 You start enjoying hobbies, activities, friends, create a job you find value in and slowly gravitate away from the sex. 5. You self-actualize to get to the source of the desire and integrate that lack, being at peace with yourself and not need it. 5.1 You discover your need comes from deep childhood trauma and process that pain that then dissolves the desire. 5.2 Your realize your desire is not actually your own, but merely a reflection of the culture and become disillusioned. 5.3 Your desire is valid but overblown, you can appreciate sex but don't rely on it and get it because of that mindset. 5.4 The desire might be past karma from another life and realizing that you create distance and are less attached. 5.5 A disconnection from your feminine/female side manifests external sexual desire, so you get in tune with that.

I felt confident this time, after not breaking through on 5-MeO-DMT and yearning to finally experience some visual hallucinations, I took 20mg of 4-HO-MiPT, 20mg of 4-AcO-DET, 20mg of 4-AcO-MET and one hour in 15mg of 5-MeO-MiPT. I thought the MET and DET might synergize by docking at receptors with slightly different structural extensions and extend the visual space, as well as the same happening for 4-HO-MiPT and 5-MeO-MiPT being both MiPTs with an offset position in the heterocyclic ring. So then I'm waiting, getting excited, after half an hour notice the first effects kicking in, the visual field somewhat distorting, light geometric patterns appearing, insights flooding. I go outside to the balcony, the sun is shining so brightly and before my eyes I see the scenery morph from a mundane sunny day to a cartoonishly beautiful colorful environment, so bright and reminiscent of hot summer days from my childhood. I look outside and the field of grass becomes sharper, at first I see the color spectrum extended, then I see the previously even field of grass extruded upwards by a bit, creating almost spike like shapes. I think to myself: what is true reality? The objectiveness is really arbitrary, what interpretation of the senses into an interconnected coherent image is the right one? There are so many ways to warp it without changing its essence, so many ways of interpreting it, of displaying it, of modulating the senses, of amplifying the emotions, of extending the visual field and its projection and interaction and synesthesia, the intertwining frequencies of various gestalts merging into an image, an already present, external sensations are merely hitting receptors inside, the world is internal, consciousness is like a barrier between the origin of the light reflection and the shadow side within that picks up the stimuli and forms an image out of them, an already present reality that only needs to be activated, an internal realm to be simulated, experienced, independent of what is going on outside, only needs to be illuminated by a certain activation pattern. I keep theorizing about the nature of reality and where vision originates, a reflection of external reality but it always has to be interpreted from within by a context known beforehand, patterns already pre-existing, a reflection of an already inherent reality merely contextualized through a specific pattern of electromagnetic activation of eye-receptors Hypothetically, if I was a metamorphic organism and could generate my own environment, sensory organs, etc. but operated inside humanly known confines until now, how would I go about adjusting a 3d context to understand hyperbolic geometry intuitively? The answer eludes me, a question for another time. I only remain a few seconds, the sunlight feels like the joy of life but it gets hot really quickly, somewhat uncomfortable, like the kind of hot day you'd wear sunscreen for, I walk back to my room, lie down on my bed. I see an overlay appearing over my vision, following wherever I look, it looks like a 25% opacity overlay of a spherical structure divided into polygonal segments, it's fascinating to look at for a few minutes, there are also patterns projected onto the walls, repeating forms, recreated each time I change my perspective sufficiently scaling with the distance, I stand up and go to the living room. Then it hits me, chemistry, physics, the interaction of light forcing chemical change within compounds, the standard model of particle physics where photons interact with matter in all kinds of ways to form greater structures, everything is truly light, is energy, completely interchangeable energy merely shifting forms. Everything is light, I am light, vision is light, sound is vibration, coming from matter, just another form of light interaction through a different medium, matter is energy is light, taste is light, touch is light, different patterns of filtering the reverberation of energy and matter, which are really just a higher more complex arrangements of light. Waves turning into particles and particles into waves, water, river, seas, waves, the hermetic principle of correspondence, a way of understanding different phenomena. Senses are just identifying patterns of light interaction, I want to experience synesthesia, I can because everything is made of the same stuff, I can taste the ground with my toes, because my toes are made of light and so is the ground, consciousness is a frequency. I could create new senses, experience new colors, I don't even need to grow new sensory organs, everything happens in the brain, I could just access it directly, simulate a whole new sensation inside, though I don't get that far. I browse impossible colors, overlap my vision with both colors above each other, but it doesn't generate the kind of nuance I expected. Clearly not enough psychedelics have been consumed, but I'll need a tolerance break so I'm not taking more now. I enter the bathroom, it is very dark, maybe I can specifically stay in this space to experience and transcend fears, creating a "bad trip" experience might be exciting, I get into the bath tub and close the curtains, I hear ominous ambient noises and the geometric overlay of my vision turns into cross like shapes, I stay a bit but eventually it gets too spooky for me, the spider webs and dead flies inside remind me of death too much and the ominous noises are really something. I leave my clothes off, realizing that most of the time, I'm hiding behind them and lack confident in my body image, that's something I can accept now, I sit in front of the mirror and look for myself, where am I, between the eyes? The person in the mirror? Is that even me? When I stare for too long, the image fractalizes, the eyes become big, the figure deforms a little, it feels weird but interesting. Over the next hours, I turn to the internet and brainstorm all kinds of concepts, since I am in a state of mind where I can think at hpervelocities and interconnect all kinds of concepts. I go over the classics, Sacred Geometry, Sadhguru, Leo, Seth, Spirituality, Psychology. At the end of the Day, when the effects are manageable I go outside, roam the town, and end up walking to the outdoors pool at midnight, I am energized and physically moving fills me with more energy to contemplate the nature of reality and continue the stream of insights. When I finally arrive, I take my clothes off and go for a swim, the cold water is energizing and feels great, the cold is enticing and I flow with it, I see lightning far in the background but hear no thunder, I feel that even if it hit me now, I'd be content with moving towards the next dimension of existence, though there is much for me still to do here. I eventually head back and write down the stream of thoughts that continuously enters my mind. Here it is: I am the alchemist and alchemy process, my body is the residue and after-image of my very own psychic energy out which which reality continuously emerges, my physical form is the karma of my desires, the body emerging from a single cell adopting and creating many forms from within, formerly part of two parents and their lineages encoding all past experiences all the way to source. Reality is interchangeable energy, the same fabric flowing through different gestalts, stories keep originating, all that is left of the past is the material afterimage, rippling echoes of strongly charged psychic energy, the conscious will and desire behind every action, inside the singularity which propels change, the experience of consciousness. Though senses like vision create an image, it means nothing without context but the context can only be recognized because it was already an inherent property of an inner reality that was recognized through the stimulation of that pattern by external appearance. To gain energy one must give it, running creates energy, as above so below, physical and mental energies flow into each other, to move the body is to stimulate that link between immaterial and material, the rejuvenating life energy of creation, of being, of perceiving, experiencing, creating one's experience through exercising the desire for change, like movement, motion, emotion, energy in motion. I went swimming at midnight, the cold plunge was stimulating, energizing, freezing, I swam then stood in the water, to stay without moving felt homeostatic but moving created this kind of stress response, continuous movement made me accustomed to it but to change between moving and not moving stimulated that feeling again, discomfort, plunge, head in cold water, getting to a point of cold, where every other action is warmer by contrast, can I conquer this discomfort for good and make it's effects a dynamic part of myself? To be given free energy without having to generate it intentfully? Though the ever morphing reality itself is an inherent property of my own being from which it originates. My life feels like living up to a past version of myself and trying to externally recreate that one's impressions, as all direction is already past. But those desires are no longer authentic, yet they hadn't even had time to be realized and appreciated. Everything changes, I cannot rely on external means, that would mean stealing energy from outside on one hand, but irregardless of morality it would make me reliant on an unstable source of happiness on the other hand and stop my own development by focusing on the skin I shed. That shed skin, an externalized residue of my past version cannot be used as context for the ever new emerging me, yet it's lens is something I incorporated into myself as I keep expanding. When I was little, I was a very sensitive child, that never changed and it alienated me from my environments. On one hand I was unable to communicate my needs, on the other I saw the inadequacies and responses present in the external environment which validated my withdrawal. Others always seemed occupied with experiencing and stimulating activities while I never managed to find someone to share the mere desire to coexist in the presence of and mirror my own level of self-awareness and openness to communicate, though I did not myself send the appropriate signals to attract such an experience. To fall in love with someone feels like externalizing one's own qualities into an externalized other and the pain of not being continuously connected to them might be a consequence, that sounds like a scarcity mindset however, though so does outsourcing one's own qualities. To hold all those qualities within oneself means stability. The genders never made sense to me, though it is understandable granted their portrayal in modern society. Every being is inherently both, irregardless of adopted behavior. I disliked masculinity for dulling one's feelings and causing suffering, and disliked femininity for suppressing one's own desires to maintain external appearances. To identify with either seemed like hell to me. Each seemed like a toxic coping behavior suppressing and compartmentalizing the true self. The insecure masculine inflicting external control upon others and oneself to hide past shame, the insecure feminine hiding the naturally emerging self behind facades and manipulating externally what it is not allowed to bring out internally. In truth, the divine feminine is the energy of growth and nurture, the process of compassion towards oneself, one's children, joy, love, happiness. The masculine a role model of interacting with reality and expanding oneself through learning and discomfort, a balance of life and death, as death is the change of form and life becoming dead when not dying. Tribally, males being stronger would be more engaged physically adapting to and expanding outside their immediate environment, while females would tend to nurturing and transforming the environment to make it home. It's an idea, a potential way to explain the physical manifestation of the genders. Though I've yet to see whether the split itself was to create new opportunities or self-disowning in its initial intent and how that more broadly corresponds to duality. Teachers don't make sense, families don't make sense, others don't make sense, to be a teacher is to continuously teach the same thing forever mechanistically, though the activity might be simulating. Either way, the knowledge already exists and one is not growing, but repeating the same thing, very boring, why not just encode in one's genetic material to be automatically inherently acquired by the next generation? Why need another generation, why not just be it, at the frontier, always at the edge of expansion? Bad mindset? Children are oneself allowed to experience the world anew in a new way? To give oneself the opportunity to become one's own parent and correct past mistakes? But isn't that giving up the self for an externalized other? They can have life of their own just like oneself was such a life in the joy of creation, out of love? Not being insecure about losing a part of oneself and giving it life to be its own and experience the world and experience the love of bringing it into life and nurturing it, gaining experience and giving life in the process? Just like the sun irradiates energy? When I was 6, I realized my parents would age and die before me. I was attached and could not bear the thought. I'd rather die first, not to have to experience that, but that would make them sad, and it would be sad by itself if the following generation dies before its previous one. Now it is fine, my parents are themselves and I am me, I grow into myself and keep changing, supporting myself in the process of becoming independent and individuating. If lightning struck me now as I was swimming and witnessing thunder far away, I'd take it as my higher self lifting me into a new reality and see it as an opportunity, but dying would be rather anti-climactic and make my parents sad. And I'm pretty young and could leverage this experience more, deciding to leave on my own terms after fulfilling more desires and burning up more karma, I also want to witness the technological singularity and see if I can become healthier until then. My physical body is residue of my energy body, I keep changing and shedding my skin, dead skin cells make the dust that covers my unnatural living space, far from the natural habitat outside. I can use energy but what does that mean? Where does the energy come from, food? Externally? My body is organically interacting with the environment, turning pears into my own body, starvation uses up stored fat, but so does activity. That which gives me life is energy, yet I'm transforming energy from matter to matter. What is dying to starvation like and how come we can save up but not use excess energy and it accumulating in the body. Why is it not natural for excess energy to flow naturally and why can we not photosynthesize on our own? We have complex organs for filtering and processing matter into energy, it's like an innate part of our being, but I'd rather be light if I could. though then I wouldn't need all these organs and would retract them into a simple water metabolism that propels the body, but why need that when I can simply be an electromagnetic gravitational conscious field projecting myself across reality, but wait that's imagination, and I'm already capable of it, just need to learn to tune it. To exist in a dimension of limitless energy and freely change my form on whim spontaneously, growing wings or levitating, and then becoming human again, metamorphically. Is limitation a self-imposed challenge for mastery, or merely an afterimage of a limited belief of oneself scaffolding karma to reimpose itself due to being a stable part of the acknowledged material world at this point, self perpetuating? Why can I not immediately take on all the characteristics of any life form I see and switch between them or share consciousness or maybe I can and I do and that is imagination which I use to balance a stable reality with that dynamic desire? Creating video games and fantasy settings as one more manifestation on another layer of reality, spawning all of fiction and our growing interest with these kinds of strories and humanity keeps evolving. I have it pretty good, living in a first world country away from survival and suffering, maybe I chose to come here, maybe I already experienced enough of it in another life, maybe I was born so sensitive to not fall into that trap but appreciate the difference and not take it for granted, or to learn from this history of suffering on earth without being to involved in it, or to help the earth out of it, or to be able to witness it and make calls on what happens. I should be part of creating this experience, but shuffling material around is nothing compared to doing the esoteric contemlation that expands my understanding of myself and reality to even know what is a meaningful and healthy change to make but manifesting change through reality as a result on a scale I personally could never affect and accept that reality is my own fabric and by desiring a change it will happen, and making myself healthier will mean that I naturally act out of authenticity to heal the external but also attract change metaphysically by tuning into the kind of frequencies that end up materializing from within as the new world based on my own self-understanding and conviction. Psychedelics naturally mushrooms, agents of decay, turning dead residue into pure energy, feeding it back into the cycle of life, catalyzing ego-death, of course, that makes sense, living is dying, still life is death, and death is alive because death is change and life is change, that which does not change is dead but that which dies is alive, dying is a quality of life, and living is a quality of death, but being static may just be a very high wavelength frequency that is still alive but very slow. Separation comes together, hydrogen floats around and comes together to fuse and boom, star, energy, but then it fuses into heavier stuff, becomes planets and shit, but iron is the end apparently, and when the universe decays into homeostasis and a stable energy configuration, then what? That's dead and boring. Something will happen, and that long-scale model will probably turn out to be all wrong anyway. But without input from source, nothing happens, so that checks out, time would simply fly by. BUT THAT'S JUST A THEORY, A CONSCIOUSNESS THEORY, THANKS FOR READING! SECOND TRIP (5 Days Later) 20mg of 4-HO-MiPT, 20mg of 4-AcO-DET, 20mg of 4-AcO-MET and 15mg of 5-MeO-MiPT (Again) It was the grief of the loss of the happiness that could come from outside created through an intently self-inflicted vulnerability to create an opportunity to connect over and reconcile it, but the resulting pain too great to to put oneself out there and bring it to fruition, yet the momentum generated, the yearning, the build up to that climactic moment of fulfillment ever rising to create the sort of meaning of long past reunion, to give up on that ever so longed for time, connection, desire, the risk of throwing a boomerang waiting for it to return, a lover to return from the line of battle, a sibling one hasn't seen in years gone overseas, a best friend promised to meet again from decades ago, to grief the loss of that opportunity to connect in such a meaningful manner and build up of emotions straight from the soul to bond over, a contrasting duality, a built up energetic charge, an ever rising kundalini energy, to give that up and reintegrate it into unity having never succeeded in the endeavor of honing it and beating impossible odds, tragic but the meaning returned into one's soul an immeasurable relief, giving up all relationships that once brought joy to focus back onto the unfolding life and give rise to the same opportunities that so readily created such meaning in the first place, to gravitate inwards instead of spreading oneself thin in the outside world Polarity, feeling the depths of sadness, then transitioning into anger, colors changed, the fields reverberated, as if a strong polarized charge made of emotions materialized and lend itself to all surroundings through a sense of tranquil release and resonance. I could feel the buzzing energy in the air, the powerful electric waves spinning around objects, my own emotional state affecting my vision, my feeling, the vibration of energy, power. I released the desire that bound me to misery, to hold onto the past and seek to reexperience it, to meet again old friends, to continuously seek their presence, but feeling miserable every second that doesn't happen, I gave up on that, I also gave up on my pain, to find someone to connect with over it, to heal together, reach the sort of understanding coming from experiencing such a background. And to find contentment in my own presence alone or to allow myself to connect to others without building up depths of understanding that make finding such people impossible. Following this, I focused on new insights, remodeling reality, new understandings, my vision shifted, it separated into many pieces, my personality as well split into many unique parts spread over my entire life, I've been researching IFS, I've been studying the brain, unconscious lately, we all have many parts, many personalities, united, split, repurposed for many different situations, we switch between them naturally, not even realizing the seamlessness but also the separation and scale of difference and abilities between them. We each have split personalities, just don't usually struggle with them, most of the time very oblivious to their existence. When you speak a different language, your whole persona changes, the vibe differs, when you engage in different activities, when you hang around different people, when you enter various emotional states, when you remember different things, play different games, sports, conversations, ideas, passions, when you do psychedelics. I entered a mode of seamless integration of all the different parts within me: Imagine a glass sphere splintered into a thousand pieces still floating at their original positions but now filtering the internal space inside the sphere through various unique personalities and sensory lenses and in the process synergize a new coherent image more congruent and flashed out than that of any shard or a single undivided sphere, for it compensates for the inaccuracies and lack of perspective of any one part and simultaneously in a feedback loop informs the understanding and filtering of each. It felt like unlocking my third eye, like letting different parts of me and the outside world enter me through the crown chakra, like I've become a medium, simultaneously perceiving so much information from so many sources, modulating between personalities and ideas, but still being an entity myself that holds the power to do so, seeing them as an extension of myself while embodying them simultaneously. It was beautiful.