Salaam

Project much? You say you understand the evolution of human consciousness, well then tell me about it. Tell me about consciousness, tell me about the differentiations of awareness, tell me how the brain partitions those differentiations and the forces that come into play. Tell me how the body paces and processes them. Give me nuance about attachment, polarities and the forces that make it come about. You don't have those understandings, because you haven't done the work yet. It's okay to say "I don't know", be vulnerable and risk your dependency on entitlements and validation and be authentic. There are still a lot of things I don't know, but the difference between me and you is that I balance and differentiate my ignorance, so it works with me and keeps me grounded. I'm aware of my degree of blindness, so I don't make the double mistake most people do of being blind to my own blindness, due to neglect of this self-responsibility. You talk about growth, but when I question you about the substance of that growth, you retreat into bullshit authority frames and say what you wrote is not subject to debate. Then you try to gaslight me, saying that because I'm questioning you and holding you accountable, that shows I'm too far from your imaginary level of transcendence to make answering my questions "fruitful". Come on man, I'm the wrong one to try that on. Every single question I asked you, I will happily answer, because I've actually done the work and have real results and understandings. I've got a journal here accounting the amount of work and growth I've processed just in the past month or so. Look, this really is about balance. You ask who am I to decide? Who I am is a person who has developed a real strong system of balance, because I'm very aware of how ignorance, bias, limitation, and lack of character distort things. Those questions I originally asked you, epitomize balance. Which makes me shake my head all the more in light of your response to it. If a person is going to grow, in what areas would that growth manifest? It would manifest in their Health (spiritual, emotional, mental), Capabilities (skills, understandings, abilities), Choice (degree of choice, richness, balance), Self-Expression (nuance, richness, diversity), and Connection. Health x Capability x Choice x Expression x Connection Do you understand the balance and synergy? The healthier you are the more you capable you can be. The more capable you are, the wider and deeper your choices can be. The more you can choose the depth and direction of your life, the richer your expressions of that life lived will be. The richer your expressions, the deeper and more intimate your connections can be. They all work and help each other together. That is an example of organized and balanced, growth and harmony. That is real, substantive, and can be applied by anyone as a platform to help themselves keep track and balance their different facets of growth. Anyways, I don't expect you to answer this honestly, but hopefully others on here find the value in these questions and have the courage to answer them for themselves as they grow and find their way.

Sorry, but I read this... and I see very little in the way of practical application or substance. Plus, I see a lot of "red flag" conceptual flaws in your writing that tell me you haven't developed things beyond a certain point. You talk about growth, knowledge, and understanding, well what kind of growth and understandings have you gained from your experiences? What kind of capabilities have you gained? What are you working on currently? How have your efforts impacted your health and your sensitivity to the changes that happen within your body? How are your relationships and connections with people, both intimate and not? How has your ability to express yourself changed? Your ability to choose? Speaking of choice, you say you never intended to start a topic till now, are you aware of all the things that went on under the surface that galvanized you to write this post? If so, tell me about them. If you have these understandings like you say you do, break them down for me. You talk about peace and love and joy? But what about pain, fragility, stress? I'm not trying to kick down your sandcastle for shits and giggles, but there are people that come to this site genuinely seeking help and I don't want them wasting their time or hurting themselves because of unbalanced views and advice.

I feel you. However, it is not "just" subjective, because the subjective has an affect on and creates a change in the objective. The reality did not stay the same, it changed. Switching viewpoints for instance has an objective affect, because the brain activity across different regions of the brain shift in response to the change in view, creating a different hormonal response, and the other cascades I mentioned previously. It's very subtle, but with time we can grow sensitive enough to these nuances and track them, gaining clarity on how the structures of things and their dynamics inter-relate and shift each other across many different systems and contexts. Structure and Dynamics are always linked, you can't ignore or dismiss one over the other. And also very important, you can't ignore or dismiss how they contrast. Those three things are needed in order to have a balanced view of reality on the most fundamental of levels. 1. Structure/Form/Order/Matter/Objective 2. Dynamics/Motion/Chaos/Energy/Subjective 3. Contrast/Connection/Chemistry/Electromagnetism/Tension These three things are present and interconnected at all times in all things.

You're over-looking a lot of nuance with some your assertions man. What you focus on creates all kinds of cascades throughout your body, shifting chemical composition, pressure differentials, and electromagnetic charge (whether it's attractive or repulsive). So shifting your perspective also shifts all of the above. In other words, your focus, your frame, perspective/view as dynamic as it all is, has a chemistry with the rest of your body that has an objective affect. How you RELATE to something affects how you feel about it. What you connect to with your awareness creates a contrast and that contrast changes with every new thing your awareness touches and interacts with. And again this contrast has an objective affect on your body's composition. For the depression, pill thing. They accurately believe the lifting of the mood as something that temporarily relieves the symptoms, but not something that heals and develops the underlying deficiencies creating the patterns of behavior and feeling that leads to depression and perpetuates it. You have to account for both dynamics before assuming that anyone is deluding themselves. For the glass half full example, again there is a change and there is a difference. In your first example, there is a context of scarcity, in the second there is a context of abundance (having more to put into the glass). You can't ignore how the internal context of the person focused upon a particular object changes the context of a situation.

Why would you want to dissolve your self-agenda? Why can't you have a self-agenda and a shared or global agenda that works in harmony together? In my experience, the more you develop, the more you see how both are inter-connected and by balancing both, you get the best of both worlds. Me, You, and We in whatever iteration can all work and grow and balance together in harmony. However, we have to bring ourselves in balance and better health in order to be in a place where we can actually feel passionate about helping and sharing with others. When we don't our body sends us signals to things we are deficient in and we then tend to fixate on those, so they fill our view, and have us feel like we are solely self-agenda driven. The problems arise when people don't act on those signals and properly take care of them, distracting themselves with consumption or exploiting others and the earth to remove the symptoms of these signals, rather than nurture and develop the deficiencies that are underlying them. These people on here talking about killing the ego and dissolving self are just being assholes to their body. Chasing some thing they think will magically make their symptoms disappear rather than facing real life and taking care of it. You don't kill yourself or your identity, you nurture yourself and as a result understand the purpose behind things like validation and belief. This creates balance and a foundation of health, from which you can have the strength and passion to care, so then taking care of yourself naturally extends to sharing and supporting the care of others.

Well, I was going to write something, but fuck it, I'm writing this instead. "I hated being stuck. One of my deepest core values has always been freedom, but underneath even that was the fear and suffering that came from not having the ability to change what was happening to me. Being stuck in a feeling, in a situation, or with a person, or problem that I couldn't change and make better. Attraction and repulsion, drawn to being free, but more often pushed to get away from being stuck." I wrote that a couple weeks back, toyed with putting it in my book in some way. Probably still will... I've gained a shit load of new abilities, my touch with tension, probably less than a handful of people in the whole world have that level of capability. But, whoop-dee-doo who gives a shit, I still get stuck and then have to fight and give and think and calm and take responsibility without knowing for sure if I'm gonna get out of this thing. Yet, every time I do and with each turn of this particular coil I face harder and harder shit, with stronger and stronger capabilities. Fucking scarcity. You teach me so much and remind me of how hard it truly is to build in such an environment. But, fuck I'm getting damn good in your environment of shit. I'm not just a mind anymore, trying to think my way out. I'm not just a guy whose deeply in touch with his feelings and facets. I'm both those things, plus a magnetic motherfucker who can hold and harmonize polarities, before they collapse and snap in the direction of either attraction or repulsion. Sooo, when I fuck up in some way and end up in that scarcity cage, I can light but a fraction of feeling in the center of the emptiness in my chest and hold it and build it. Spreading it out slowly from my chest, to my arms, down my legs, up my neck, and over my head. Supplanting the emptiness in my chest in the same fucking way it would creep in. Those energies take us over a bit at a time. till we're stuck in those feelings, but I can do the same thing in the same systematic way. My body and my feelings and my directions are mine. If I don't like it, I can fucking change it, consciously, at will, and handle the cost. I beat depression that way years ago and I've beat many other things since... Ha... okay, phew I love calm, directed anger. Anger is the feeling we have when we want things to change and it's a great motivator, even if it's a little taxing. It gave me a platform though to change the charge in my chest from "emptiness" bleh to back as myself, but strained and now I'm calm, but worn, and happy. Yay, it's amazing how I can palpably shift myself across such a wide spectrum of emotional charges. Now, I'm just letting the muscles in my butt shift from side to side as I swing around in my chair, letting the happy feelings spread out from there to the rest of my being. It's much easier to do when the charge in my center is not all fuckedeedoo and having a negative chemistry. I feel like Optimus Prime with an "All Spark" thingy in the center of my chest, it's so weird having electro-magnetic sensitivities and awareness. The way I see human beings, is definitely not the way I saw them even a couple years ago. But, anyways I can see how I ended up with that empty kind of charge in the first place now. I got a little too overzealous with my desire to work with my new tension abilities and the balance between restrain/resist slipped and started becoming repressive, creating a disconnection to things. This is a game of millimeters and the slightest shift out of balance can be a slippery slope and cascade of inner fuckitude. Ah well, I'm awesome, yet deeply humbled because of these things I face. At least now, I know I gotta pay attention to the flavor of my charge. Ahh, that's interesting I can feel how a thought and it's feelings impacts or changes the flavor of my charge. Fuck, I've got so many different things to keep track of and manage. Thankfully, they internalize, compress, and centralize into connective nexus feels for the most part, but still, it's hard doing three things at the same time all the time. But, at least when I slip, which seems to happen not just when I make a mistake, but as a systematic affect of one of my three foundations changing, I can at least right the ship so to speak. I've gotta slow down my thinking even more. I've gotta keep nurturing these new sides of me that are growing and starting to breathe, now that I'm not chained by incapability and more importantly, now that I know how to give and be generous to myself. Thankfully, I don't need to prove to myself that I "know" what and how I'm doing what I'm doing in order to do it. I'm not chained to just that analytical side of myself. It's like... not having to go over in your head how to put every piece of a car together, every single time you press on the gas. I love mystery. Ah, the way I feel now, compared to when I first started writing this. Mmmm, I'm so fucking good at change.

I'm so thankful for all the new and strange territory I'm encountering with my work. There are so many deep things I'm feeling, it's hard to keep track and give each one the time and attention it needs... Sooo, my friend turned me on to this term called Capacitance. According to wiki "Capacitance is the ability of a body to store an electrical charge... A common form is a parallel-plate capacitor, which consists of two conductive plates insulated from each other, usually sandwiching a dielectric material. In a parallel plate capacitor, capacitance is directly proportional to the surface area of the conductor plates and inversely proportional to the separation distance between the plates... Once a positive charge is put unto a conductor, this charge creates an electrical field, repelling any other positive charge to be moved onto the conductor; i.e., increasing the necessary voltage. But if nearby there is another conductor with a negative charge on it, the electrical field of the positive conductor repelling the second positive charge is weakened (the second positive charge also feels the attracting force of the negative charge). So due to the second conductor with a negative charge, it becomes easier to put a positive charge on the already positive charged first conductor, and vice versa; i.e., the necessary voltage is lowered." The above things hold seeds on exactly how I work with Tension energy. It's amazing reading shit about electricity and capacitors and recognizing some of the same things I do. I found an MIT journal on capacitance I'm looking forward to reading. Grounding this stuff some more with objective mirrors helps me shift some ideas and my body's already orienting itself and stressing me with new changes and upgrades related to the above. Hopefully, I'll be able to translate the changes into something coherent by the end of the week. Anyways, that's a huge thing I really have no idea how to describe to people just yet. It won't be after I get it sorted that I'll be able to link it with reference approximates to help bridge the gaps in experience and properly share anything on it. Plus, I've got other stuff to balance, like these black streamers that are still healing me, that now are allowing me access to other aura type stuff. I was dancing in the shower to music like I often do, and all of a sudden a wave of liquid gold washed over my awareness and covered everything in this golden glow. It was super nice and now when I allow those black streamers to ripple off my body, it often shifts to gold. The whole "everything turning gold thing" doesn't happen often, and I sure don't force it, but I'm fine just giving what I can in the moment. I bet there is a version with my black streamers, where everything turns inky black. I'm really learning that forward motion, does not necessarily equal forward progress. More and more my deep level internalizations/beliefs are shifting away from linear predilections to multi-dimensionality. I'm not surprised really, since I have so many different parts of me I'm managing beside my mind or organizational/narrating system. I've got that system, I've got my digestive system which gives me my gut-level instinct, I've got my immune-system which hooks me into soothing health related sensations, I've got the whatever the hell system that gives me flow, my pituitary that gives me darkness, and a bunch of other ones, like the awesome one that is responsible for my generosity, which I'm sure is also responsible for this golden glow thingy. Lol, so much awesome stuff that I can't even properly explain. Oh, I've also gained the ability to slow down my perception of time on demand. I do it by exponentially increasing the amount of detail I'm processing and connecting with via tension. I can't slow it down too far though, because it stresses the fuck out of my heart when I do so. This is a similar MOA to how boxers and baseball players gain the ability to have their perceptions of things slow down, but their adaptation is incremental over many years of training, rather than attempting such a large shift over the course of a minute of focus. Ha, apparently if I rush into slowing time down, it could kill me... that's kind of ironic.

Awwwww, I know what that pain feels like. You're not alone, you are seen and connected, if even for a moment to people who carry these same scars, but also know the joy of healing from them and building with another, that indescribable feeling we ache for. Hugs <3

It's much better to live in the goldilocks zone of genius

Ha, well it's actually more complicated and way more expansive than your making it out to be. You just don't know it yet, because you haven't developed your awareness and capabilities with the rest of your body's systems and the way they express and inter-relate with each other. So... basically don't jump to conclusions and limiting beliefs, just because you're not capable of something just yet Over the years, I've developed myself to see behind my thoughts and work with the automated portion of my organizing and narrating system, as well as synergizing it with other parts of me, like my instinct, proprioception, and immune system. Control is a flawed paradigm. Instead of control, we can connect with our parts and become capable, so that they work with us and take care of us as we take care of them. You know that constant chitter chatter or whatever people talk about having in their mind? Apparently people have on average like 50,000-70,000 thoughts a day, but for me, my narrating/organizing system or "mind" is much slower and calmer. Like slower, deeper, richer breaths, rather than mental hyperventilation. I can choose what I think, form the words, position the structures behind the mind, that are the capabilities that interconnect my different systems and choose my directions. I can let different sides of myself hook into my narrating mind and "speak" or generate thoughts or I can switch over into other systems inside me, so those get the majority of attention and activation and my narrating mind goes silent. I was actually stuck for months and months way back in the day, with my narrating mind incapable of forming very many automatic thoughts and that fucking sucked. That's back when I didn't understand how flawed a concept like control was and hadn't yet faced the fears and pressures fueling such a presumption. I'm very thankful to have healed and nurtured a much more healthier autonomic connection between myself and my narrating mind.

Desire based motivation is not "bad". Do you know one thing that is always present to some degree behind pleasure, comfort, passion, desire, motivation, stress, pain, and suffering? It's pressure and your body cannot survive without pressure. The level of pressure we feel changes and shifts and expresses in completely different ways, depending on the context of the moment. What happens when you feel sexual desire? Tension and pressure increases throughout the body, sexual tissue becomes erect via pressure expressed in the blood, and that same pressure also propels hormones and neurotransmitters to their required destination to sustain and create further cascades of desire and pleasure. Pressure creates propulsion, it galvanizes us. Sometimes that propulsion is pleasurable, sometimes it's stressful or painful. There are innumerable combinations, contexts, and expressions. Shit even the lack of pressure has an effect. In some contexts the release of pressure comes across as a feeling of relief and other times it comes across as feeling drained or depressed. This whole "desire is suffering" thing is an irresponsible over-simplification of what happens in reality. Desire is way more complicated than that and can be contrasted with so many other variables to express so many different types of feelings. Why? Because it is a part of a complex eco-system that is the human organism and plays an integral part in it's survival and health. We don't discard desire, we work with it and gain a connection with it and learn to balance the pressures behind it. So it works with us in the right contexts, rather than against us, because we're being ignorant to the dynamics in which it can work harmoniously and neglecting the development of capabilities that allow us to make such an aim a reality. I work with it all the time quite successfully. I've got a journal in the forums here, where I talk about it often.

I'm so thankful for my feminine side and all that it's taught me about giving and generosity. I've healed enough now from the burn of my efforts, to start allowing more of my capabilities to "breathe" and nourish me, so I can express myself in not so tightly a restrained way, and I can let more of my connections within myself activate. Having that down-time and scarcity while healing was hard, but fruitful and now I can return to a more expanded level of abundance with a focus less driven by purely expanding myself and "figuring stuff out". Such a beautiful evolution to this pattern of my life. I can feel these large gaps inside me, waiting to be filled by my generosity and I'm filled with hope and anticipation, rather than grit and trepidation. I mean, all I have to do is give a bit at a time and when I'm tired rest, then come back to it. My choices are more my own than ever before, and I've grown capable enough to balance all 5 rings at all times (for the most part). Or, I guess it'd be better to say I've got a natural feel now, for when one of my five rings are off and how to delegate my emotions and body to bringing them back in balance. I can handle the temporary scarcity, for further abundance. I know what's going on and what I need to do, because my foundations are so solid and strong. Ha... when did I become so confident? I remember when confidence was something I never felt I'd have or ever understand. I wasn't even sure if it truly existed, but I get it now. For me, confidence is how I'm relating to my capabilities and their degree of internalization/trust inside me within a given context. I've built these capabilities, day after day, one small step at a time from nothing and they survive and breathe in both the harshest and most abundant of environments. And all the while, I balance my pride and humility, so I don't artificially inflate my rapport with my capabilities or artificially down-play them. Which I guess makes my confidence authentic... pretty cool. God, I love giving to my positive emotions. If I want to celebrate more, I give to those feelings, if I want to feel more pleasure, passion, or goofiness I give and every part of me gives to that focus along-side me. Ha, fuck control. I'll take connection, harmony, and generosity backed up by years of hard work, tending to a garden of capability. I'm good friends with my body and my psyche now. Anyways, lol, so yea those large gaps. I wonder what the hell I thought they were, before I shifted into who I currently am? Maybe, it was impossible to notice them before, because the pressure and way I would respond to them, would have been completely off? Not every tint of a lens captures every detail in a landscape. We have different perspectives for a reason. Oh well, I can feel them now and I will be filling them forever or till the next shift into whatever. Oh and these black streamers, this aura or whatever radiating off of my body has changed into some other colors. So it's black, blue, green, and than like a kaleidoscope of rainbow colors. I have no idea what the hell it's doing though or what it means.

What a week... Choice, multi-dimensional pressure, balancing self-restraint and the taking on of challenge. Developing my touch with limitations, healing my health and allowing more freedom in the process. The difference between ignorance and mystery. Horror and pain and black liquid waves, streaming pleasure and healing from my pituitary. I'm so thankful for all I've found, felt, and faced in this past week. I'm so deeply thankful for my "five rings". I've been working with Choice and Pressure for weeks and weeks now and I've developed a soft, incredibly nuanced balance where I am always subtly restraining myself to a certain degree and always facing challenge and taking on resistance. Restraining the pressure of what pulls me and resisting the pressure of what pushes me, so that in the middle of those two competing pressures is an eye in the storm, where I can choose as me, rather than as a reaction. I had to gain that level of choice to balance out the pull of my capabilities and their growth. I'm getting so strong, so capable, that if I think and do what I do without restraint, it will wreck my body. So, instead of expansion, I embraced ignorance and learned the difference between it and mystery. To me mystery is when you touch your ignorance with your awareness, but for whatever reason choose not to dive in, leaving it a mystery. I had to embrace mystery, to balance out my expansion of capability so it wouldn't destroy my health. My mind automatically dives into stuff, but now I have a reason for ignorance and mystery, so it's not a flaw or burden, but a benefit, and a necessary aid for me to continue to survive. I've gained such fantastic abilities... I fixed the sinus pressure in my nose instantly during the middle of the week by "stepping into the middle" of the pressure stream differentials going on there and somehow expanding a level down in depth within that space to some nested or embedded pressure stream ecosystem and applying my level of balance there. Doing so shifted the muscles in my nose, jaw, face, and upper palate giving me the ability to breathe again. Since then, I haven't had a problem even while dealing with the rest of this "sickness". Then on Sunday I found this hot, weak, strange feeling heat in my body, that felt like sickness and I started to apply my 5 rings to it. Ugh, that day fucking sucked, with all the pressure and pain, but it created a major shift, that transmuted later into these black waves of horror and pleasure rippling out of me. I still feel it now, but it's muted, like a simmering of black streamers, rippling from my body. Some of the visions it gives me are probably fucking horrible by society standards, but they don't bother me that much and it feels like it's healing my body. From my past experience, I'm pretty sure this is a pituitary response, that although strange, is very healthy. One more reason why I don't focus on good or evil, but health. Ha, it's so weird feeling these things without trying. If anything, I'm restraining them, so they don't burst out of me. I guess this is my "black" aura. It's fitting that it's that color, since black is not the absence of color, but instead the transposition of all three primary colors together. Oh, and I've also gotten much stronger with healing other people. My wife and I put some major dents in healing her inflammation and her body is changing quite dramatically!

Man, I love being me. I love having so much passion for discovering the different sides of myself. I remember when I yearned for passion and drive and I'd work day after day, trying to create it from nothing. Feeling so drained and tired all the time, so frustrated and empty, even with each small step forward. It's been such a long, long road, but damn if I haven't traveled far! I still take those same single small steps, but I've grown and my stride is longer, I cover more ground, and hold more precious, beautiful things close to my heart as I continue this journey. Feeling this glow and warm happiness in the center of me, because each day I face brings me even more intimately closer to the hidden mysteries of who I am. Being and becoming, both at the same time. Actually, Been, Being, and Becoming all at the same time, because I carry my past with me, as sure as I carry my potential and who I currently am. That trinity balance. Anyways, let's dig into this weekend's awesomeness Saturday was a day spent mostly dealing with Flow and Pressure Streams. I've had this feeling of a "wind" inside me that would surface for bits of time and then come back stronger, then fade, and then come back in March. I had it all day Saturday and was kind of "stuck" in it for most of the day, which got stressful after awhile, but I gained the ability to shift out of it when I wanted before the day was out, and now I have the ability to shift in and out whenever I want. I can slow it down, I can speed it up, and I can create a forward pressure or level of resistance to take on, that slows it down to imperceptibility. I always try take on some level of resistance (and traction) at all times, so I'm always involved with something and my pattern of being has a repulsive, rather than attractive chemistry with ennui or entropy type characteristics (they find no common ground to attach within the ecosystem of who I'm currently being). So yea, that was found, felt, and faced. I also reconnected with two more sides of myself, that added a new dimension of depth to my balance of masculinity and femininity. The first side is what I call "the Hunter" and he gives me the ability to hunt things with my intuition and instinct, plus an expanded level of solidity with my focus and identity, so I can make a choice with a lot of emotional content and not have my core focus collapse under the weight of the mixture of emotion within it. I'm not as distracted and de-railed by the stress, fear, doubt, or whatever that comes with making choices that require a lot of emotional and energetic pressure. Before, I would try to do something, and a particle of another emotion, would surface and send me off on a different tangent, or something similar. But, the hunting thing through instinct is awesome and it gives me a visceral connection with deep things inside me that my intellect can't do anything with (at the time). I think it's because these drives and desires are expressing at locations that preceded the structural formation of language, with different levels of pressure intensity, that would crumple the focus of an organization based structure of the mind. Maybe... either way, my mind can handle more and carry out expressions of my focus, that before would collapse in the attempt. Edit: Ah, I can better handle the weight of deeper levels of authenticity. Expressing without flinching in the face of my honest emotions that arise from the expression of my intent. Which means my expression doesn't stutter and collapse, it instead breathes and creates change, movement, and influence. So that was the masculine side I connected with and the feminine side I call "the Lady" and yea, that was pretty interesting. I had to face some residual male fears and hang-ups to connect with her and my femininity, but it was no biggie (yet, the details are something I don't feel all that comfortable sharing). She was really cool, because she taught me to GIVE to my pleasure instead of "trying to make it work" or "find a solution/answer" like my guy side would tend to try. She's teaching me generosity, but more than that, it's Authentic Generosity. Building things like trust, through pleasure and giving, rather than taking, consuming, or trying to achieve with pleasure. It's a subtle change, but it has a huge affect on who I am, changing the way I look at a woman, kiss, and do other things. A woman has to trust in your desire, in order to open fully. A man's desire can't just be some empty, hypocritical thing, fueled by what he's trying to prove to himself and what he's trying to "get". I understand sharing and giving on such a deep, visceral level now and truly see my sexuality as a gift I share with women, just like their own is a gift to me. If it wasn't for the Lady and the Hunter I wouldn't have been able to achieve this next thing. I can now choose to give to my pleasure at such levels of intensity, that I feel straight up ecstasy and euphoria with every intake of breath. God, it felt soooooooooo good. Fuck, just bringing it to mind, makes the ecstasy come, ah man I love this emotional space. Just moving and being feels better and healthier/cleaner than any kind of drug I've ever taken. It's right up there, with the best euphoria I've ever felt in my life, when my energy awareness first bloomed inside of me years ago. It's maybe a slight notch or two down from that time, but less explosive and slightly less socially retarded (you feel too good to care about how you come across to people). Man, I chased being able to feel that pleasure for years and I'm finally capable enough to give my own self that level of pleasure whenever I want. Before, I would try with the wrong approach (which the lady fixed) and my intent would collapse (which the hunter fixed) and it would cause me so much pain. But now, I'm both strong enough and soft enough. Giving to myself, rather than looking to take from myself. No wonder it used to hurt so much! Oh, and I also connected with another side of me this Monday morning, who I've felt off and on my whole life. I don't know how to describe him or his abilities yet, but he's "The One Who Faces Against It All Alone" and it's the side of myself I feel when I face seemingly insurmountable pressures with no one to turn to. It makes sense, that I'd connect with him more easily after integrating the Hunter and the Lady inside myself. I love all the sides of who I am! I'm developing an abundance of me

4/08/16 I'm so grateful for the way my love for life has matured. My heart has changed and grown. It's more insanely scarred than ever before, but stronger and warmer, deeper like a canyon carved into the earth, holding an ocean more of who I could potentially be. What would you go through to love and care for yourself more? To then in turn be able to love others more deeper than ever before? I face truly terrible things, but how amazing is it that as I grow, the one I love deepest of all becomes more beautiful and more precious to me? I tell her often that "the more I grow and am able to see you better, the more beautiful you become. So what more proof do I need of how amazing you already are?" It's a beautiful feeling to still look forward to discovering more about the person you're building a life with, even after all these years. Years of love and growth, beauty and meaning. God I've changed so much. I change everyday, I guess you could say it's my greatest "talent". But, now even for me the changes in this past week have been... I don't know, all I will say is far removed from what I imagined life to be. I have sorted for myself the ability to track and nurture, shelter, and foster the paths of my mind, my emotions, and tension energy. A deep enough foundational level capability in all three to build something worthwhile. My awareness isn't locked in my mind, and I can circulate my focus freely around all three so I can take care of them. If tension is kinked up I can create a "sheathe" around it so it can differentiate into healthy pressure streams of energy particles and if tension breaks I know how to ride the wave and process the disruption. I also know how to keep enough resistance to balance the pressure so it's not too high into debilitating pain and not too low into feeling drained. I can link things together, and slowly, slowly build things in my mind. Building thoughts in new ways. Building experiences, like structures that merge into me, creating change. When it comes to my mind I can choose when to let it lie as "only subconsciously active" while I nurture my emotions or tension. I can also split my mind and let my intuition guide me as different parts of myself, giving me honest feedback from my subconscious as well as many other uses and then of course re-integrate back into one voice. Each voice a side of me, with its own domain of behaving and assortment of capabilities, feelings, and connections to different memories. I also discover and rescue new sides of me as I continue to grow and change and find and face the pressures of doing what I do. And finally, my emotions are actually the one I'm least capable with as they've taken the biggest hit over the years when developing the other parts of me. If it wasn't for this love that burns in me and this amazing woman who shares a life with me, I don't know what kind of person I would have been. So that one I just nurture and let heal and dance and play. Breathing and expressing freely. Eventually, the hope is that my ability to take care of all three internalizes and turns into a natural level of new balance. I'm getting healthier and more capable. More understanding of subtle pressures and stress, so more able to deeply choose. My range of expression deeper and wider as I connect with more and more sides of who I am. And the more me I can be, the more sides I can relate to and see in others. So my reactions change, feelings of indifference and disconnection wane. I'm less of an asshole to myself and others. All that together making life more vivid than I ever thought it could be. Why? Because I'm way more involved in every way. Involvement... To Nurture, Shelter, and Foster: Health x Capability x Choice x Expression x Connection

4/01/16 I'm thankful for a deeper understanding on how Choice and Pressure inter-relate. My experience shows me, the more I gain traction and capability with pressure, the more my choices are rooted in my own initiative. I choose in increasing ways the direction of the momentum and pressure behind my actions. I am not just a series of reactions, moving in the pattern, nature has waiting to play out for me. 4/02/16 Ahhhh, I'm so happy. I got an upgrade to my self-expression today! Finally I got something just as strong and awesome to involve myself with as thinking. Gestures, movement, intent, authenticity, rapport, and so many more things I'm probably missing all go into it and now I can find expressions that match what I want to feel and which part of myself I want to be. It's kind of like moving amidst waves of energy that come at you from every direction and you have to choose a gesture that has the right chemistry to it, to meet that wave, so then you can choose and build off of it with something else that you might want. For example I just breathed in and felt a wave, which I expressed enjoyment for, and then as I wrote I felt a slight dip in enjoyment and another wave (of drain) which I met with a gesture of resilient traction, that sent me a wave I could express enjoyment for again, which strengthened my rapport with writing. And so on and so forth. Each shift of change creating a wave, which I guess might be the expression of a shift in the tension of my connection with things (I dunno). Ahh, that's awesome and makes so much sense! These gestures are supported by and derived from my capabilities that I've been working so diligently on all these years. Fuck yea, I didn't even realize I was creating such a treasure chest of badassery. Ah, I remember these energy waves. God they seem so much slower now then back in 2013 when I was trying my "wave jumper" thing. Lol, I was trying to create euphoria with my ability to express myself and I had no damn clue at the time. Ugh, no wonder I'd end up shaking and feeling messed up back then. My pacing is so much calmer now and the pressure pushing me so much more character driven (as opposed to fear). So, that makes my self-expression so much more healthier and less taxing on my body. Ahh, the waves are the snap-back or reverberations of my previous self-expression or the waves from external sources that "ping" my system. Lol, I fucking get what he means now about those damn Dolphins! My friend has talked about human bodies being kind of "hollow" or porous when it comes to energy and uses the experience of feeling a Dolphins call or sonar blowing through your body to approximate the feeling. I've never felt that so I had no idea what he meant, but now that I can recognize the real thing, I get it! Fucking awesome! Ah, hell yea exteroception. I've finally grown a stable platform that is on the same level (but more stable and calm) as my Costa Rica awakening. Maaaaaan, energy is so badass. Ah, actually everything building up and working together over years of work and stress and integrity is fucking badass. Good job me. You deserve a cookie. Lol, people talk about having aha moments. Reading back over all this, I'm laughing over how many times I started a paragraph with "ahh". It just shows me more and more that learning is about involvement and recognition, not just thinking. Thinkings for organizing, which you can also learn from, but involvement is where it's at. What's that one proverb? Oh yeah. "Tell me, I'll forget. Show me, I may remember. But involve me, and I'll understand."

3/31/16 Im so thankful for my tough times. My stress helped unearth some cool jewels from my being. I just wrote in my notes the following... "I've gotta work on the way I relate to weakness. Differentiate weakness inflicted vs weakness chosen and my reactions to them. I hate and have disdain for weakness because I project those emotions for what I feel for those parts of myself. Probably internalized by the people who treated me in this same shitty way as a kid. Heal this and you will get many more memories back. I'll have to work on my generosity, starting with what I give to myself. The weakest, most fragile part of who I am. The one I fear the most and fear becoming. The one I'm too scared to even be aware of and connect with. My fear and disdain will guide me." I keep such a tight hold on myself in certain ways, but now I'm allowing my weak side to speak and breathe (and rant and rave) when I'm under stress that is difficult to stay capable with. Instead of pushing him away, im sheltering him and teaching him all of the knowledge and understandings I have. His beliefs and doubts I'll help him with. His shit headed ass behaviors, I'll help him grow from. I've kept him in chains for long enough. Maybe even one day, he'll grow to trust me and see me as more than a monster. Can't say I don't deserve that, considering how I've treated him. Doing the same fucking shit in a way as those assholes who did it to me when I was him. In order to no longer be a monster, you have to heal your monster, so that he one day trusts you and shows you a different way of what he could be. If he hadn't been fucked with in the first place. 3/31/16 I've been asking myself what is weakness? It seems to be a lack of capability, which effects to the detriment a person's mental and emotional health, their ability to make choices and balance influence/pressure, limits the range of emotional expression, dulls their awareness and sensitivity, and blunts the depth of connection a person can have. I have "extra" emotional reactions attached to weakness due to my projections, which I'm currently processing, so those will balance out. However, while the above shows me that in some way weakness is an environment or status that shouldn't have extra castigation heaped on top of it, there is still a big matter of how we handle and take care of our states of weakness. While weakness is a status, it is also a choice that reflects quite a few things about a person. How are we responsible for our weakness? How do we protect others from it? How do we balance it against our capabilities? How do we neglect it? How does it make us neglect other things? Also, how are we accounting for the contrast between our level of capability and weakness versus someone who is less developed? Can we handle that contrast authentically and in a way that balances both the light and dark, the idealism and reality of life? Are we humble enough to see our projections in the process? How do we handle the global level destruction such weakness is causing and the general neglect and apathy towards righting such a state? Personally, I focus on Trust rather than forgiveness when considering how the weakness of others can hurt me. I know that if I let people in close who abuse my trust it's going to damage and scar my ability to Trust on the whole. I have to protect the space inside me, where people I trust get to come into, so those who can properly appreciate that trust can see the beautiful places inside me. But, Trust can't be a yes or no thing, it has to have degrees and nuance to properly dance amidst the complexities of life and the different kinds of people in it. I have to create a structure of Trust that can handle the extremes of people I've came across on both sides of the spectrum. People like my Wife, who are heroes and care and give so much and the other people I've spent time around, like those in prison who cut people's heads off or rape their 14 year old daughters. But, again it also has to be sensitive enough to pick up on the all the middle space in between. There has to be risk and courage to trust and an eye towards potential that makes such choices of risk cohesive and clear. People are weak, they are shit-headed, arrogant, blind, spiteful, neglectful, insecure, destructive people. But, at the SAME TIME, they still contain a side of themselves that is the opposite of those things and can potentially come to the surface under the right conditions. I have to hold both in my mind at all times when dealing with people to balance things out. I have to handle the stress that comes about as the expression of their imbalance, so it doesn't make me collapse into a single view of their nature. I have to handle my disappointment in them. I have to handle the things I still need to grow and nurture... I've spent most of my life alone, an outsider. The closest I've felt to a community, was being around people in prison. A community of outlaws, but that was easy for me, because there you can be cool with people while still knowing they may rob or kill you if it made sense for them. It was honest to me and fit my world view at the time. Laws of the jungle still apply. Underneath all institutional power is the threat of violence. I know this very well. Courage and character and beauty are the harder choices of our nature, when pressed upon by the brutality of life. But, so is empathy. Empathy is a hard choice when faced with brutality. I have to take on the responsibility of protecting the expression and practice of my empathy in the most brutal of circumstances. All the while, still protecting the health of my Trust. So much shit to work on. But, I can handle it. I just wish other people would as well. Un-evolved monkey motherfuckers. I know, I know, people aren't just that. It's way more complicated. I often used to say growth was about finding deeper and deeper levels of how much of an asshole we really are. Ahh, no wonder. I'm processing Global Level Assholery! (And my reactions to it of course, which means my assholery towards global assholery). Lol, and as I finish that thought, my wife calls me to ask me if it's okay if we shelter an abused teen for a couple days. To help her heal and be nurtured and give her some strategies to navigate this shit. Of course I said yes. We'll work together to balance both the shit and the beauty of life. Within us and outside us.

3/30/16 More rambling gratefulness from yours truly, hopefully I can keep it from getting too long again. I just have so much to be happy and thankful for. Man I love martial arts, it teaches me so much about things. I was working on the heavy bag on Saturday and came to understood that the best method for punching was to phase in and out between water and earth. Basically, flowing like water as I moved, and then a split second before impact, becoming like rock. This worked really great for strength and stability, but I realized the next day, that there was nuance I was missing out on, by taking such an extreme stance. I had to pull back and realize my muscles were in the shared spaced between these two extremes, as were my bones. Which meant, that instead of water vs rock, it was more... I don't know... organically elastic. That elasticity meant I could store kinetic energy if I phased in and out just right. Pneumatically building up energy as I moved, which of course I found I could also use with my emotions and tension energy. Building pressure when I wanted, then containing it inside myself. I haven't really played with it too much, but when I did I felt like I was bursting with energy and had this glow on the inside of my eyes. Shit was pretty cool, but I'm being careful, because pressure can be rigorous on the body and I'm always pushing myself as it is. At least I understand breathing better now (it's pneumatic). My hope is this new structural understanding internalizes and just becomes a subconscious part of me (that's kind of what usually happens anyways). Yup, yup, super coolness. Makes me so happy and thankful for this mysterious world. Oh and speaking of the world, I've been working A LOT on what I call Global Pressures and of course pressure in general. I'm conceptualizing it like there are three kinds of pressures: Front-End Pressure, Back-End Pressure, and Global Pressure. How should I explain this? Ahh, say you're driving into work and your late and rushing to get there, but stuck in traffic and frustrated at all the people blocking your way, and you look around and see pretty much everyone around you is in the same position, doing the same thing. Well, in this context, the back-end pressure is the pressure pushing you internally/invisibly to move forward. It's pushing you to rush, like a hand against your ass pushing you onward. Front-end pressures are the obstacles in front of you, slowing or halting your forward progress or pushing you backwards. These front-end pressures often create frustration, like the cars in front of you, acting as obstacles in traffic. Now, the final Global Pressure is the larger systemic pressure going on within this whole cycle, which in this context would be the 9-5 "rat race". As I move through life, I observe and manage my balance as I come into contact with these pressures, becoming more sensitive to their dynamics and the influence they have on me. I'm pretty familiar with front-end and back-end, but the global pressure is super important for me to work on because it influences the expression of my ambition in the world and of course the ambition of humanity as a whole. Without understanding and empathizing with this maelstrom of global pressure it's very easy to get caught up in it's influence and have my good nature tainted, as well as lose authority over the expression of my aggression. Basically, I have to understand and empathize with global pressures or else, I won't be able to properly handle when people act like shit heads to me or do shitty things in the name of ambition and the threat of how my capabilities can "change the game". Which, is super important to also keep ME from being a douche in the name of ambition and to stay away from useless cycles of aggression, that invalidate my greater message. It's been a challenging but illuminating experience as I see myself react to people treating my work like shit. I can feel my aggression rise and fall and change, depending on my empathy, and I can see how it affects both my good nature and my darker side. I'm soooooo thankful my friend noticed I was working on this and shared his understanding with it. Man pressure is so damn interesting. My Global Awareness is growing so much in sensitivity. Oh! On Sunday, I was able to hold this idea of a global awareness of different pockets of social environments, from the beautiful oasis of a home I have with my wife, down to horrible torturous environments of squalor and suffering, spread out all over the world in millions of little pockets. It hurt so bad and made me so sad, but I was thankful to be able to see it and recognize the truth in this new sensitivity. God, I've been processing so much pressure and stress these past couple days. But, it's all good, my spirit rises in response.

3/29/16 I am so grateful for the hidden moments where I fall deeper in love with my Wife and then the super awesome times where I can consciously feel and breathe in the deepening. God it feeeels soooo gooood!!! I get these up-swells of warmth every time I slip my wedding ring on in the mornings and each kiss and smile we share before I head off to work just dives right in to play and nestle in my heart, no matter what I'm dealing with. I love, love, love our connection! Lol, I was planning to write about all the things I've learned and have been working on the past couple days and how they've changed me so deeply, buuuuuut, fuck this feels too good. God, women are so yummy. Phenomenal women, the way they dance and play and feel and live so beautifully. This world would suck so much without them. Ugh, imagine a world with just dudes.... fuuuuck that. Ha, well that's an emotional palate cleanser. Okay, moving on from warm yummies to some cool shit. I am so so thankful for my new ability to express myself and my emotions. To allow them to breathe even deeper and more frequently, without my mind wanting to barge in and "figure them out". I understand now, how my focus brings pressures of it's own that can crowd out the pressure streams and flow of my body's emotional expression. God, my body just breathes happiness and amazing pleasure. I don't have to do anything to feel it, just let it breathe and it comes up. It's a new level of health and capability, ever since I shifted my deep anchors, that determine the base positioning of our standard zone of being. It's super hard to explain though, dangerous actually. What's also pretty cool is that I can now use my emotions to guide me into the most appropriate movements. So when I do work on my wife, dance, fight/box, and many other things my emotions guide me to exactly where I want to put my hands, and what to do. It's amazing and I can feel it slowly maturing and balancing the conscious with the unconscious/automation to become deep level self-expression. I feel what I want to do and I do it, my body working in beautiful harmony with my intent. I remember how hard I used to work to feel pleasure, to understand it, the frustration and despair I used to feel around it. I felt like a broken, withered man, maimed and chained, buried underneath desert sand, with a single ray of light, and a humble drop of trickling water to sustain me at times. I used to identify so strongly with that image of myself, buried, maimed, and chained, but fuck, I can breathe and drink so fully now! I understand the chains, I've become super capable with them, so now the part of me that are those chains work with me and become boundaries I choose. Integrity and clarity. Order. But, order balanced with flow, so the water is no longer a humble trickle, but an ocean inside me. I can drink any time I want and I can heal now, so I am no longer as maimed, but instead scarred, yet deeply capable. And since I am capable and healthy now, I can speak from all of me. I can stand and who I am is no longer buried. I'm up on that sand now, not in a hole, building my Oasis. Stretching my wings. My friend believes I've passed the shit-level stage of kinda sorta mastering myself (mastering the foundations of how I learn and live) when I shifted my anchors and everything I'm seeing so far, seems to be bearing that out. All my work, the nuance, uncovering structure, facing and connecting the dynamics, handling the stress and pain, healing from my mistakes, and balancing and building something is bearing fruit. It makes me happy, I appreciate it deeply as I run my mind through all the different details that add to my life and I feel grateful as I see the contrast in how life would be like without them. God, what if I had believed society and just took what they handed me with this rat race? I remember when I was grabbed by the feeling that something I had been waiting for my whole life, was within my grasp. It was like a scent my soul picked up on and refused to let go and it's sustained me for many years, when I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. I'm thankful to have been able to build my own way of being good at life and changing my view of myself from maimed and chained to free and self-sustained. I didn't have to obey or follow anybody, and I didn't need any higher power. Fuck power, I became capable and harmonious with my nature and I became connected and trustworthy. How could I not, with the amazing people so close to me, who are doing the same? Lol, I'm a rambly ass motherfucker, but who cares. I love finally being able to speak. To express how healthy, happy, capable, free, and connected I am. My soul fucking burns with happiness, so much so that it builds and makes my presence sparkle behind my eyes, like I'm some fucking wizard or something (really it's my ability to build and gather energy pneumatically). Damn that's interesting. Pneuma is greek for soul/spirit or creative force.

3/26/16 Health x Capability x Choice x Expression x Connection Fuuuuuuck, my intuition told me about this hours ago!!! I remember being tired and knowing I had to involve myself with something to avoid Absynse and as I thought that I had a flash of an image. So quick it was more a ghost of a feeling than a clear view. So I focused on it and waited, holding myself till I was moved to grab a pencil and then see another flash. This one more distinct, I was filled with the impression of five rings, revolving around in a circle. I drew it not knowing what it was, honestly thinking it might have something to do with miyamoto musashis five rings (and it still might), but now, many hours later I see much differently. Damn, I knew my Capability Circuit would eventually change as I myself changed on deep levels. I mean, that's what I created it for, to heal me from certain over developments and under developments. But the way it changed and how organically it was is fucking beautiful to me. See I for some reason had the impression that as I changed so to would my model as it grew and eventually replaced my previous version. It was a fear I had which kept me from going too deep into writing the book for the model, because I thought I'd then have to scrap the work. But, now I see differently, the above five elements fit on top of my original 12 elements turning into a damn building with meta levels of its own! Lol, it's exciting to see, but may sound kinda meh for other people. But the above five elements are universal to all life. Hmmm, I wonder if each one is analogous to the more generally known five elements?

3/25/16 I should be sooooooooo tired. I don't know if I slept at all last night and I probably had like 3 hours of sleep the night before. But, thankfully I feel fine. I feel a fragility around my edges and I know I need to be extra careful with the stuff I do, so I don't miss things, but I'm pretty damn happy. I'm thankful to have this resiliency because my wife is processing stuff herself and it's coming across as a bronchitis like deal with it's symptoms, but the doctor's tests showed nothing. It's so strange, but either they suck or it's energetic, because you can hear it in her chest when she coughs. My baby's been miserable, but thankfully I've got the capability to be there for her and to give her happies and kisses and just bathe her in love and support. It's hard... growing up and people being assholes to you when you grow through stuff (not just go through, but grow through, there's a difference). They try to blame you and make you feel like a burden, or like you're being dramatic or "too sensitive". I hate when people did that shit to me and I'm thankful that I can be a mirror reflecting a new reality to trust and believe in, when it comes to her experiences. As soon as the old patterns rear their head, I want to be there, smiling and shining love and telling her its okay and I'm here for her. That I understand and share in what you're going through and I will be there for whatever you need. I love that I can be a shelter and a strength for those I love, even when I'm under stress. Thankfully, I don't have to do much at work today. Phew... blueberry, buga buga, leroy jones (makes no sense, but makes me laugh when I sing it. Plus my wife thinks it's adorable). Anyways, some other developments to be thankful for. For a couple seconds the night before I was able to split my mind into three different layers, but as soon as I realized what I was doing and tried to use it, the thing got wonky and kind of shivered and collapsed. Lol, I almost forgot it had happened, but thankfully I didn't and put it in my notes to return to later. Maybe a month from now, maybe years, who knows. No biggie. My flow has upgraded as well, I've got like a "wind" inside of me that flows and flows. I've felt it before, but it's different now and it isn't stopping. Has me kind of feeling like I can't "stop and think" anymore, but instead adapt to a new, more flowy way of thinking. It's cool though and it's giving me new abilities or new ways of doing things. But, it's kind of hard, trusting and doing new things, when I have no idea what the hell I'm doing, but yet I get it done anyways, create a foothold and get to building. Sometimes the wind doesn't stop, but it calms and I am filled with this strange "moving stillness" which I imagine is what it feels like to be in the eye of a storm and it's so calm and amazing, while still so tense and rich and filled with hidden things. Shit came out of nowhere. What else? I also rediscovered my unconditional heroic soul. That was cool. Super glad for that... ugh too much structural understanding can make you over-emphasize objective reality to the point you kind of crowd out some other things. My spirit is soooooo fucking strong. It's the one thing I've always had, no matter my level of development. Hmmm, maybe it's not so much that I lost it, but I've reached a more intimate connection with it? It definitely feels more mature. Eh, there's probably a shit load of context I'm missing on this one, but I'll feel it out as I live. Oh there was some other stuff... but whatevs though. Oh! I do my own kind of energetic rehab yoga movements to fix my body and I think I made some great progress with my shoulder this morning. What's cool is I focused my intent on re-orienting my body, but then I made sure to just wait and not initialize any other thoughts or actions. Just holding back the pressure to move, to do something, anything, and instead wait, and as I waited my body started to move and shift on it's own. As it moved I kept holding back, trying not to disrupt it's flow and pressure streams, till eventually my shoulder twisted and snapped into a new alignment. Cool shit. Pressure and flow is so damn interesting. Well the whole universe is, now that I have some idea of how the damn thing works.

3/24/16 I love and am so thankful for my pressure resiliency. I don't sleep as much as I used to, well lately anyway. I've been getting around 4-5 hours for the past 2 months or so? I'm tired, but there is very little pain or bleh suffering involved with it. Plus, it doesn't leave me inactive and vulnerable to Absynse because I keep the pressure and flow going on in my body from dipping below certain levels. Absysne, by the way is a word I created to describe when your passivity due to pain/stress/fatigue reaches a point where you're bored doing nothing, but have no motivation/energy to do anything. I feel so healthy and happy. So many bleh type patterns are shifting out of my system. Plus my tension abilities are increasing, including my ability to read and translate their feels. Yayies, I love being good at life :-) I love you, Universe. Mwah! 3/24/16 God I love nature. I'm so thankful for butterflies and slow motion videos. I've been watching the flapping of butterfly wings to learn about patterns of pacing and harmony. Watching the contrast between the left and right wing and the torsion in both. Feeling it and letting it resonate and mirror in my body, while reading the tension involved and how the contrasts change position. When looking up butterfly's I also stumbled across a concept called the Butterfly Effect. I've already heard of it before, but I hadn't realized that I've been living it's concept. A couple days ago I wrote on here that "I'm like a fighter jet with my growth, just a small shift of the throttle, creates big changes in direction." and that's exactly what the Butterfly Effect is. People use it for weather patterns in the world, so why not for energetic patterns in my body?

3/23/16 I'm so thankful to see in a new light, the deep ache I felt when my wife got up from bed this morning, and her skin stopped being pressed against mine. Since I've balanced my pride and humility, I'm way more sensitive and accurate, but also way more vulnerable. I don't puff up and let my pride protect me as much with it's shroud, so things penetrate me more. It's a challenge to adapt to, but it's also great. It's so ironic, the early part of my life carried such themes of creating armor to push away and distance myself from all my pain and now I deeply appreciate and in some cases love the feeling. I love it, because I know what it means and how it balances things in concert with pleasure and the pressure behind it. So I pay attention to it and celebrate it when it comes, holding on to it, nurturing it, visualizing in my mind all the ways it benefits me, my body right along with me, feeling as I see. Creating further potentialities for what it means and what is to come from it's direction. Anyways, this ache is badass for me, because I can drink it in and bridge it with it's twin, the pleasure of desire, which is going to majorly upgrade the health of my desires as a whole. Ha, I mean relative to normal considerations, my passion and desire is already monstrous, but it's going to be something special soon. Like putting a jet engine in a taxi cab or something. Buddha is such a coward... I don't know, I'm hoping everything I've read about his view so far has been horribly misinterpreted, but from what I've read it's clear to me there is very little understanding of pressure dynamics and how contrast mediates feeling. Just like an engine creates pressure and combustion inside itself to propel forward, so too do humans. The rub though, is that we're organic and can feel the combustion going on inside us, the pressure, which is stressful and often painful. I've developed to have and handle a shit load of pressure and have magnitudes more to adapt to still in front of me. Is it going to hurt? Of course it is, it's going to shred and flay me, but I don't mind (right now at least). That's the cool thing about growth, one thing develops and another ability also crops up to help counterbalance it, so the whole system can continue to develop in harmony. You don't just run away from life, you face the fire and adapt to it, just like whatever thing faced the stress of leaving the sea to come onto land and eventually adapt and evolve to become a human. Now that thing was fucking badass. I salute you swamp thing. I'd read your book if you had like opposable thumbs and shit and pencils and paper to write stuff on.

3/21/16 I'm so thankful for not just understanding, but finally being able to apply balance to my Pride and Humility so they work in harmony, together at the same time. It's changed my experience of life and myself in such a subtle, but dramatic way (I'm like a fighter jet with my growth, just a small shift of the throttle, creates big changes in direction). I see how pride protects me and props me up, in the face of pain and doubt, but I also see how it can shroud my perception and distort my ability to process and understand life when under stress. I see how humility, can ease the "puffing up" that shrouds understanding when my pride reacts to my pain, opening me to more sensitivity and internalization, but I also see how Humility can distort things, deflating my gratification in self-achievement and the proper internalization of my growing capability. Basically, the pros and cons of pride and humility manifest depending on the chemistry you have with both characteristics and I can balance this chemistry with my energetic proprioception so a "charge" is created that bonds them in harmony and healthy connection. I can then feel the health of that bond and when it's chemistry shifts out of balance, towards either too much pride or humility I can take the necessary action to re-calibrate. For the more secular who have trouble believing such things, this is the same way covalent bonds work, like two hydrogen atoms sharing an electron pair. I'm balancing the charge of attractive and repulsive forces, but instead of between atoms, it's the chemistry between pride and humility. What's awesome is this small shift in harmony and health between these two facets not only enhances my rapport, but also creates a cascade through my other capabilities. I can trust my own feelings more and internalize them deeper because my pride doesn't shroud them and my humility doesn't doubt them in the improper contexts. I can feel both my authentic pleasure and pain longer, because my past imbalance is no longer there to cut them off "mid-breath" with some form of invalidation. Both of these then also contribute over time to building a better me, with higher quality feelings and experiences changing my story and enhancing my potential as well as my reflections on my past and the beliefs tied to them. When I was in the shower over the weekend, I remember feeling like I had faced so much that every single letter in every single alphabet had been carved into the skin of my soul and as I sobbed with that wound I also felt so happy and close to my pain, because I could finally express and feel it, without questioning whether I was being too prideful or dramatic in that moment. I could trust it and internalize it deeper, without invalidating it and even in the midst of that pain I felt so much more free and more me than ever before. And with that experience, so too has my pleasure gone and it feels amazing, to basically just exist with a greater clarity in the connection with my own feelings and reactions.

3/17/16 Today, I am grateful for perspective and how it adds detail to the pages of my personal story. I see now how I've been working at my latest shift for the past year. When I first became deeply aware of what I called "gray feels" and how I worked with the way I treated and saw things, to develop my Rapport with the world. I saw my analyticism for the over-development it was, and piece by piece diversified the other elements I needed to grow, so they would support me and create a deeper change. I see the painful days, one after another filled with the stress of growth. How angry and in pain I was during December, when I was processing the growth of Trust and feeling like my insides were being ripped apart. All the work and resiliency it took to bridge the scarcity and pain in my past with the potential and abundance of my present and future. How I gained the ability of Traction and a deeper understanding of pressure and how it's involved with propelling all the feelings we experience, from desire and pleasure to stress and pain. I remember connecting with my pituitary gland and all the darkness in me it showed, letting me know that all the worst nightmares I've ever had were nothing compared to the violence I could create. Handling that, both the fear and the euphoria that came with it, seeing the mark in my eyes, like a scar that came from such a connection, then just forgetting about it, because it's just another side of me, to be returned to later, when that part of my pattern comes back around. God, to think I even understand and can predict the revolutions of my own personal pattern! That's been only a thing for the past couple months, but I'm so thankful for the view. I'm so thankful for Balance... for Nuanced Balance with my adoption of the Goldilocks Zone and how it keeps me on track and always looking for ways to include room for every part of me at the table, no matter how dark or painful, or beautiful and human. Every element of Capability I'm aware of, I worked on and grew with, every single day in these past months. All that work and change and pain and amazing pleasure, culminating in this small, but deep and subtle shift. I knew there would be this shift, I couldn't picture it or even imagine what it would feel like, but I knew if I kept going it would come. There is no stopping in me, this is as intrinsic to who I am as breathing, but I am thankful to have the perspective that comes from making it to the other side. I understand anchors now, because of how deep I've gone. What they mean for our identity and also what it means for the types of realities and capabilities one can experience. I understand on such a deep meta level, beyond thoughts and feelings, who I am and how I'm changing. I know how dangerous such a level of meta can be and I respect that some things I just can't tell people about, because it's too dangerous until they've grown to face the change for themselves. Things must be grown to support certain types of change and the environments they place us in, and in those spaces "knowing" what to do is not enough. Knowledge without the capability to do anything with it, seen clearly now as a folly of pride. Anyways, I finally get Energy Plumes! Plumes? Blooms? Fuck, I'm not sure what to call it, but it's when energy would bloom and erupt out of me. I first felt them years ago in Costa Rica and it was the most euphoric of sensations ever. I chased that feeling for a year straight trying to get it back, only now, years later to have a better perspective on what they are and how their flavor changes depending on the reality/space I'm in. I get them everyday now, usually at night and while they've never felt as great as that one day (because I've yet to re-experience that particular reality, but I'm getting closer!) they always feel amazing (even when sometimes it looks and feels like their killing me) and have so much left to show me. I'm glad I don't try to mess with them anymore or artificially create them, so that I can see how their a natural expression of life. Now, I just savor them when they come and try to make sure the realities I cultivate are nurturing and harmonious with their eruptions inside me. Ah that was nice, I just had one. It's amazing the depth and shallowness each one can manifest, each plume or eruption like a special little snowflake of an experience. Maybe it's like abundant energy spilling over and out of me? There's another one, I love internalizing and breathing in when it runs through me. God I remember, chasing these damn things, trying to figure out how to make them "go". Ahhhhh... lol, now I finally get some other things, I've been trying to understand for years. Whatevs, I've been talking enough as it is. I'm thankful for not giving up!!!