Salaam

Control is what people look for when they lack trust and capability I don't control my thoughts (the rigidity of such a one-dimensional endeavor fucks with the flow of automatic systems. I've hurt myself plenty learning this lesson), but I have built strong connections and rapports with my autonomic systems so that I can choose what I want to focus on, and handle the processing of that shift in focus as my body's chemical, pneumatic, and electromagnetic chemistries re-orient in response. Thought really isn't that big of a deal, it's only a small part of the picture, when it comes to the over-all positioning that takes place with a given focus.

@Tancrede Pouyat Really nice. I feel like your "lazy high achiever" could be a more grounded and normalized version for people, than a lot of the other things people put out there, that seem to run on delusions of grandeur and empty emotional platitudes. I'm liking the intention for balance behind it. And the "atoms of self-actualization" sounds like a great thing to work on. I have something similar I call the "Elements of Capability" that I created for myself to understand the core facets of learning and it's helped me so much in growing and expanding who I am. I wouldn't have been able to balance my analytical and emotional sides without pouring so much of my time and attention into it. Good luck!

Ha, well... here's a new thing I'm working on and processing. I've been working for a long time with myself, to be more in-tune and connected with the emotions and depths within me. Trying to balance my analytical side with my emotional side, my structure and shape balanced and in harmony with my color and energy. Doing so has helped me recover a lot of my memories along with deeper connections and understandings. The day before yesterday I was going through one of my scarcity days, filled with a lot of pain and pressure, and as I was processing and embracing it all I realized that I don't have to use my mind to constantly organize directions to take around this stuff coming up. I could use courage to guide me through in place of my mind and as I did so it unlocked a deep memory I had as a kid. Where I was at this party trying to fit in with people who didn't really give much of a fuck about me. And how things like that sometimes end up, I found myself being pushed to fight/wrestle this much bigger guy. I was right there with my little self, riding with him, pouring my courage into him as he kept getting up and getting up, refusing to stay down. Till the big guy got too tired trying to knock me down and it was no longer "fun" for the crowd to watch this little fat kid with glasses have more heart and courage then they realized. Processing this unlocked emotion connected the spark of a courage I had then with the ocean I have now and burned into my soul and bones the realization that no matter how big the challenge and how alone I am against it. I do NOT go down. I stand. Alone if I have too. Shunned and dismissed, with no support, it doesn't matter. My heart, my care, my courage will not allow me to surrender who I am. I've cared for and protected this spark of courage for so long and I see now how it can take me through spaces and environments inside me that my smarts alone can't handle. It's a part of me at all times now and after that memory it unlocked a deeper connection with my darkness inside of me, which is the part that gives me the edge to birth abundance out of the deepest and most painful places of scarcity. In these new depths of connection with my darkness I realized that stress and pain can feel really fucking good if I allow it to form that bridge connecting pain and pleasure. So I did through the force of connective tension and since then every bit of stress, pain, or fatigue has been tinged with tension euphoria. It's really nice and balanced because the pleasure doesn't replace the pain. It just adds to it, so I can still judge if I'm pushing myself too hard and don't think I'm invincible/delusional. Plus, it completely side steps all thought processes and reactions tied to trying to figure out pleasure and run away from pain. I have constant pleasure so I don't need to seek it and constant pain that's not a big deal so I don't need to escape or surrender to it. It's allowed me to be much more resilient and laid back and to handle deeper and more intense feelings and sides of who I am. Because so often my processing would be derailed or made diffuse by seeking pleasure or trying to leverage away from pain. The allure or stress from either side distracting me from holding the emotional integrity necessary for the deeper, bigger parts of my identity to surface and "lock in". God the tension in balancing the depths of my nature burns and soothes me so beautifully. I'm so glad to have finally connected my pain and pleasure together. I wouldn't have been able to do that without darkness and courage and my deep connection with tension of course.

It's stuff like this that makes me so sad when people can't see how we can have an identity and still be connected in ever more intimate ways with the rest of the world. There is an I and a We both dancing and relating together. There are HUGE differences between identity and ego that can't be dismissed and ignored, because when you do, you dismiss and ignore some of the most precious things we have inside us. Non-duality is so fucking stupid. Our world is built on association and inter-relation, the balance between boundaries and connection that work together to give shape, diversity, and nuance to all of existence. We have a core that contrasts and relates to the rest of the universe just like the earth has a core, and every single cell and atom has a nucleus. You don't reduce from duality to non-duality, you expand from duality, to trinity/multi-dimensionality. Adding in and incorporating more, just like humans and every other thing in the universe, like the earth itself, formed by adding and incorporating more. Buddha was a coward, who couldn't handle life and understand tension, so instead of "attaching" to things he ran away from them and hid in delusion. In between running away and attaching to things, is moving in parallel with them, touching, connecting, without completely fusing and losing sight of everything else. There is a balance there that allows for things to link up and connect, without losing their individual nuance. Just like our bones connect to joints and muscles, without all merging into a single thing. Without that diversity, you have no movement, no interaction. I hope you hold on and keep those precious and beautiful moments of who you are Saarah. I hope they remain precious for you and feed your heart with strength and caring and the connection to all those beautiful things continues to grow and deepen. Oh and regarding the youth thing. I feel more vibrant and strong now in my 30's then I ever did when I was younger. The more I dive deep and embrace who I am, the more pleasure, caring, courage, and capability I have. My body simmers and my bones burn with how passionately I live life and face the reality of nature. And that's coming from someone who already went through stilling his mind, seeing all that goes on behind my thoughts, and found a way to balance and take care of them all. I love who I am, who I'm being and becoming all at the same time.

Ugh, I understand they have good intentions, but they really have no idea what subtle, but critical damage this can cause when dealing with more complex fears, that are tied to things beyond a simple object like spiders. I'm glad they at least touched upon that reality with the last paragraph. Fear of loss for instance is a huge, multi-dynamic and complex fear, that is tied to very positive things like caring, motivation, and appreciation (we tend to deeply fear losing the things we deeply care about). I love my fear of loss and I would never fuck with it's chemical composition by bringing it to the surface and then hijacking my natural, context-specific chemical cascade with a synthetic like propranolol. Using the drug is a crutch or short-cut and will destroy context and emotional history. Again, for some instances I get why people would rather have a synthetic emotional context compared to a painful one, but personally, hell no. Thankfully, I have the resiliency to handle and properly modify my fears and the self-respect to see their purpose and protect their fidelity within me.

It's kind of ironic that your questioning the "link" that EM has with daily life, when EM's fundamental role in nature is how things link up and bond together (or repulse and sever). It's all good though. I understand the dissonance. Anyways, let's connect and link it up for you and see if you still have that feeling. In the covalent bond blurb it mentions that a bond is formed when there is a "stable balance of attractive and repulsive forces between atoms". This balancing or holding in parallel creates a connection between these two atoms that gives them capacitance or the ability to store a charge that is proportional to the distance and surface area between the two atoms, as well as being reliant on the continued stability of balance or chemistry in the tension between the attractive/repulsive forces between them. This charge will then have it's own attractive or repulsive properties and abilities that will mediate in contrast to whatever other system it is exposed to and interacting with. You have no problem seeing that that occurs on the micro level to mediate the formation and interaction of shapes and structures correct? Why wouldn't you think that has a cumulative and synergistic effect as it expands from the micro to the macro? Sub-systems link up and interact with other sub-systems to create larger macro systems all the time, this is the nesting principle. Electrical coils are an example of this, each coil having mutual capacitance with the coil before and after it, but a flower is also an example, with each petal having a similar kind of mutual, synergistic capacitance with each other so they can cooperate in the expression of certain functions. So why wouldn't human beings with all their different systems and sub-systems also be an example of this? What we trust or what we internalize is effected by these attractive and repulsive forces just like anything else. You for instance already hold beliefs around this subject that are "capped" with conclusions. Those conclusions all carry some degree of populated context, this context can be static and binary, or dynamic and nuanced, and inter-connected with other beliefs to form micro and macro mental patterns/structures. As it comes into contact with beliefs from other people who have different contexts with their conclusions, your body will automatically express the interaction of that connective tension as either a feeling of dissonance and then an action/reaction of rejection or a feeling of consonance and then an action/reaction of acceptance and some degree of internalization. Now there is a subjective narration of a belief or internalization, but there is also an objective chemical pattern, that determines how deeply it's stored within us, as well as the fidelity or coherency of it's belief. This chemical pattern has the opportunity to be modified every time it is activated in response to stimuli and compelled to re-consolidate. It's within that chemical pattern, where the above attractive/repulsive forces are played out (from micro to macro) determining whether the new information stimulating the belief is compatible or contrary, as well as whether or not it is compatible or contrary to larger inter-connected belief systems. Which then will decide if this new information is accepted and added on to it's conclusionary context, accepted as a replacement to a prior internalization, or rejected and dismissed. All of these things occur within fractions of a second, but I've diversified my senses and expanded their sensitivities to enough of a degree to experience and track all these things as they occur within me. I can feel the chemical cascades when my body reacts to conflicting beliefs and how it expresses through my emotional response. I can hold a belief open and expand it with nuance, before letting it close, compress/consolidate, and re-internalize to be stored within my sub-conscious or automated systems. I have the tensile resiliency to do this with not just low intensity/low charge beliefs, but deeply internalized and populated belief systems with much stronger charges and consequent emotional reactions. It's in my working with Tension, that I gained the ability to consciously choose what I Trust/Internalize and how I respond to things that are incompatible with my internalizations, so I don't miss out and dismiss nuance, that can have a healthy impact on my view or reality.

Here's some wiki links and you can do further research on your own time. But, really the best thing for you would be to work with becoming sensitive to Tension in your own life. Attraction and Repulsion is fundamental to bonding and connection. It kind of surprises me that you find it hard to believe, it plays such a foundational role in human life. Covalent Bonds - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Covalent_bond "These electron pairs are known as shared pairs or bonding pairs, and the stable balance of attractive and repulsive forces between atoms, when they share electrons, is known as covalent bonding." Van Der Waals - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Van_der_Waals_force "In physical chemistry, the van der Waals forces (or van der Waals' interaction), named after Dutch scientist Johannes Diderik van der Waals, are the residual attractive or repulsive forces between molecules or atomic groups that do not arise from a covalent bond, or electrostatic interaction of ions or of ionic groups with one another or with neutral molecules.[1] The resulting van der Waals forces can be attractive or repulsive." "The ability of geckos – which can hang on a glass surface using only one toe – to climb on sheer surfaces has been attributed to the van der Waals forces between these surfaces and the spatulae, or microscopic projections, which cover the hair-like setae found on their footpads." Mutual Capacitance - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mutual_capacitance "Mutual capacitance is intentional or unintentional capacitance that occurs between two charge-holding objects or conductors, in which the current passing through one passes over into the other. In transmission lines, when conductors are closely spaced together, the air or material separating the lines acts as a dielectric, and the conductors act as a capacitors plates. All objects in the universe, conducting or non-conducting, that hold charge with respect to another exhibit capacitance. An object's capacitance increases when another object is brought closer to it. The human body is a great charge-holding object (capacitor) (this biological property is called body capacitance), and sensitive capacitive detectors can be made to function as proximity detectors." Capacitance - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capacitance "A common form is a parallel-plate capacitor, which consists of two conductive plates insulated from each other, usually sandwiching a dielectric material. In a parallel plate capacitor, capacitance is directly proportional to the surface area of the conductor plates and inversely proportional to the separation distance between the plates." Electromagnetism - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electromagnetism 'The electromagnetic force plays a major role in determining the internal properties of most objects encountered in daily life. Ordinary matter takes its form as a result of intermolecular forces between individual molecules in matter. Electrons are bound by electromagnetic wave mechanics into orbitals around atomic nuclei to form atoms, which are the building blocks of molecules. This governs the processes involved in chemistry, which arise from interactions between the electrons of neighboring atoms, which are in turn determined by the interaction between electromagnetic force and the momentum of the electrons." Foxes using Tension: http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/notrocketscience/2011/01/11/foxes-use-the-earths-magnetic-field-as-a-targeting-system/

Well, have you ever held a magnet and piece of metal and played with their attraction? Holding the metal just off the cusp of attaching to the magnet and feeling the pull of it's attractive force, the tension of it straining against your restraint. These attractive (and repulsive forces) happen all the time between inter-connecting things and balancing them in parallel creates capacitance. Whether it's the chemical covalent bonds between molecules, the attraction inherent in sexual tension between two people, or the attraction or repulsion you feel inside yourself when you come across different beliefs and how they have chemistry with the beliefs you've internalized within yourself (acceptance or rejection vis a vis attraction or repulsion). Every thought, movement of muscle, shift in focus has some level of tension between it and whatever it's connecting or inter-relating with. Holding this tension, is what allows you to restrain yourself from snapping or jumping to conclusions about things in a binary manner. So rather than polarities you have nuance. So for instance, people who treat thoughts or identity as a binary "good or bad" are not holding tension, which would allow them nuance, which allows for context and creativity and specificity. Knowing when thoughts or identity in specific contexts work with you, and when they need a helping hand, so you don't just jump to "identity is the ego" and an extreme repulsive action. I've been working with Tension for years, creating larger and larger system-wide levels of capacitance and corresponding nuance.

I'm so grateful for understanding and being able to feel how things inside me build-up and need to be processed with every emotion that comes along with the choices I make. It shows me that every choice has a consequence inside me, that all of my cells and organs feel and have to deal with. This understanding tacks on beautifully with my choice to add to my life and build, rather than replace and consume and wallow in a wasteland. I can't just discard what I'm feeling and try to summon euphoria from the mundane. My body is not a drug to relieve me of my responsibilities. No, I see the mundane and add on to it, I nurture it. Sheltering and giving it space so that when I shift and add to it, the build-up and speed doesn't stress my body and cause unhealthy cascades. Small, subtle steps of addition. That is my focus. That is what my story is centered around. If I feel deep pain from my past, I add a bridge to it, that connects that pain to my motivation for building a better future. If the world feels gray and blah, I add fractions of color and appreciation to myself, because it's not the world that's gray, it's my view projected onto the world. If the allure of things distracts me from my heart and soul, I create and add a shunt, that redirects that attraction to a commitment to the richness of my heart and soul and sense of self-respect. Every interaction I have is an opportunity to add a little something that makes it more (or less if I fail). My waves of change are small, but they are mine and I will involve myself fully. Everything I do adds on and extends to this story of who I am. I feel it and tap deep into all I used to be and ache for and how I've built a me that is far beyond my past imagination. It's the best way I've found to naturally roll appreciation, positivity, gratitude, desire, and gratification all into one constant practice. I don't run away from my feelings or try to "take back" their consequences, I give them space to process, but with a pace and care and calm that aims to keep all the rest of me in harmony while doing so. I work to not lose my focus or over-reach, because I'm grounded in the realities that come with being responsible for all that I am. I'm proud and thankful for who I'm building myself to be. One moment at a time.

Yea, I prefer differentiating it as emotions and sensations, since the word "feelings" is typically associated with emotions. There is always an effect and affect of emotions. Effect is what the emotion feels like and affect is how the emotion shifts and changes you. The first one is subjective and the second one is objective and they both inter-relate and counter-influence each other, with an electromagnetic tension between them.

Been working on watching and managing the chemical build-up that arises from the ignition and cascade of emotions. Like the hydrogen peroxide that builds-up during oxidative stress, or basically when the mitochondria in our cells get to working and breathing harder. It's kind of crazy that my inner sensitivities are so on point that I can isolate and track such a build-up in my blood stream across varying points in my body. On Saturday, it was my main focus and I was able to keep myself extremely calm and slow the whole day, so I could track the ignition, build-up, and processing that removes the build-up. Watching as my emotions would cause a rise and noticing a threshold, that when crossed caused another response and cascade, in addition to whatever else I was focused on. This let me know that there are inputs and additions to my feelings that come purely from crossing these thresholds, which in turn influence whatever I'm thinking about. This is important because, I could be thinking about something stressful, like working on a fear or making a stressful choice, and have my focus influenced and maybe derailed, purely from the accumulation of wasteful build-up beyond a certain threshold. Normal people would never know the difference because they're moving way too fast and always operating with some sort of build-up in the body. After working and getting that first threshold down pat and seeing how much it added to my health and energy, I then felt ready to push the envelope a little bit and see how things played out on the second threshold level. I found that this threshold was highly dynamic and changed based on the chemistry between emotion and by-product as it crossed that first tier, plus whatever new emotion was being added to it, and also the speed of ignition. I'm gaining gears for myself (and my mitochondria), 1st Gear, 2nd Gear, 3rd Gear, etc. and each gear has a dynamic and contextually inter-dependent ratio of emotional activity to build-up of by-product, which lets me know that eventually I'll be able to have 1st Gear, build-up levels with 3rd or eventually 6th gear emotional speeds. What helps a lot with this work is having the capability to switch between interoception (focused inward) and exterocpetion (focused outward) at will, as well as balancing both at the same time. So I can create higher speed emotions, while still remaining aware, calm, and self-restrained. Plus, the initial ignition from a "dead-stop" is greater than an ignition from previous momentum. So the eventual aim is to have emotional speed moving like a gentle wind, while keeping my passive build-up at or below first gear levels, and then working on carving out greater capabilities of efficiency and processing for my emotional systems, liver, and kidneys (for smoother accelerations). In the long-run this will not only make me a more capable person, but it will also slow my aging process. It's also having a major impact in the foods I choose to eat, because I can feel the build-up and affect they have on me immediately. Here's a link I just found that talks a bit about mitochondria and aging. I just scanned through it real quick, nothing too thorough, but it's kind of interesting that their trying to do research to figure out ways to balance things exactly how I'm naturally doing for myself. http://www.ellisonfoundation.org/research/mitochondrial-damage "He and his colleagues are studying 32 lines of genetically-defined young, middle-aged and old mice. It’s a rich resource that should allow them to follow any genetic factors involved in natural DNA repair, and try to learn how the errors may impact the aging process, as well as the diseases related to aging. Also, because declining energy seems to be deeply involved in the aging process, Tina M. Iverson – at Vanderbilt University – is examining the delicate balance that exists between getting enough energy and avoiding the damage done by energy production in the mitochondria. Thus Iverson’s team is looking into the molecular basis for the formation of ROS (reactive oxygen species) that are known to damage the DNA, proteins and membranes inside living cells. The goal, of course, is to identify novel treatments that will improve the aging process, helping people live longer and healthier lives."

That's not how it works. Emotions and thoughts inter-relate. A thought can spark an emotion, an emotion can spark a thought, a focus can spark both. There is no fixed hierarchy. And feelings come from all over the body, not just the heart. For me, chakras are the electrical charges found around most of the major organs. I can change and sync up the charges of my chakras at will, because I've worked for so long with electromagnetic tension. But anyways, we can't make the mistake of thinking language = meaning = mind. Our awareness is way more than our mind or brain, it's an interconnected system that also includes our nervous system and all the energy/information traveling back and forth across it. So our spinal cord, somatosensory systems, proprioceptive system, enteric nervous system (that gut-response), and many other things, including pressures and by-products of all these systems interacting. So all that plus pneumatic, chemical, electromagnetic pressures, as well as the build-up of by-product from chemical cascades like hydrogen peroxide, which manifests during oxidative stress (when the mitochondria in our cells are breathing/working at higher thresholds). A baby has all those systems on-line and ready to go at 3-months old and regardless of having a language system, it can still focus and connect with a person's smile and have a positive chemistry with it, that cascades a response of sharing a smile in kind. Don't underestimate all that's being communicated with a smile and all the ways our various systems can pick up and respond to that communication. People need to be way more humble about what they think they have figured out. There is so much more.

Well regardless of identity, the problem isn't any single system, whether the thought process system or somatosensory system. The problem is when all these different systems are out of balance and expressed out of context. For instance fear and pain can be beautiful things. I have fears that are precious to me, that I'm thankful for because they are tied to the things I care about, that make me more sensitive and deliberate. A little pain during sex feels amazing and I enjoy the aches I feel for the people I care for. I don't view and react to fear and pain in isolation, but take the time to find the nuance and context that show me something different and more expansive. Everything is connected and no single thing happens in isolation. It's about how everything mixes together and plays off each other. You don't discard a system, because you don't like the way it's expressing in it's current mix. No, you shift the mix and change the chemistry, moving towards more harmony, inclusion, and balance. All the while, being humble and realistic, knowing your limitations so that you can develop them and expand them into what they could potentially become. Rather than deluding ourselves with false certainties that sever our sensitivity from the potential for more.

Ah, well all this stuff I'm relating to you may sound scientific, but it comes from first hand-experience and practical application through my consciousness/awareness. I've expanded and differentiated my awareness after many, many years of tending and it's very sensitive and coherent when looking both inwards and outwards. So, I can feel the physical build-up within my body, while at the same time feeling my emotions that create that by-product, while also feeling the pull and shift of pressures arising from both, plus the way my thoughts form from that cascade in conjunction with the context of my focus, and how it shifts and changes as these new additions build and move forward. All this stuff is happening at the same time as thought and has different ignition points before and after, because they are both influenced by thought and generate and influence lines of thought themselves. It's an inter-connected system with many facets, that I've been mapping for years, because I can see and feel it all happening and parse it out in real time, catching split second changes. Much like a baseball player with fastballs or a boxer with punches, I've trained myself to be able to slow down my perception of incredibly fast things, so I can differentiate and populate all the different things going on behind thought and have the ability to manage and balance them all. I can actually slow down my perception of time consciously now, although it has to be done subtly and incrementally otherwise the stress is too much for my heart. That's why I thought it was so strange that you would consider our thought process to be "man's worst enemy" because I handle and see so many things that occur behind it, that thinking isn't a problem for me. The thinking mind or the narrating/organizing facet of who I am, is just one thing of many that I'm managing and working with.

I change and grow so much. I can't even track it all any more and I feel less compunction to do so, now that my intero and exteroception are being held in parallel. Let's see... I gained a deeper level of self-respect for myself, balancing the allure and influence I feel from things, with my ability to make and see-through choices. This gave me access to what feels like a core nexus or nucleus inside me, which some might call a soul. It's traction or groundedness is much, much stronger than my mind. It's like a multi-faceted gyroscope, sitting in the core of me, reverberating with energy, much like the core of the earth does. Finding that, then paved the way for me to have deeper access to my heart or humanity, which I'm deeply, deeply grateful for. I now have a much, much stronger connection and balance with my mind, heart, body, and soul/nucleus. I can tap into my heart whenever I want and create warmth for myself and drink from all the care I've been pouring into things for years and years. I've also now gained a capable level of balance with my body's chemical influences, electromagnetic polarities, and pneumatic pressures. My friend helped me out big time with the chemical wash, that initializes every time we are stimulated or shift our focus. I spent a whole day tracking it and feeling out the threshold level changes that would occur when my body initialized emotions, so that I can tangibly feel the sensation of building by-products in conjunction with my feelings, including both the positive by-product and the waste build-up. This has given me such a new level of stability, because I can track now how excitation, certainty, arrogance, delusion, aggression, and all the other emotions create build-up that then has to be processed out by the liver and kidneys. When it's not processed out correctly, this build-up changes the emotions and perceptions of a person, overloading their system and in the long-term creating an environment wired and receptive to the waste build-up primarily responsible for assholery, delusion, and arrogance. I'm thankful that I've developed the pacing, sensitivity, and self-restraint to be able to feel and wait out these spikes, as they process out, so I can see the nuance and context in things, making me a clearer, more grounded, and vibrant individual. It's pretty cool how much healthier all this is making me. It's definitely one of the most precious capabilities I've uncovered and implement in this past year. I'm thankful for all the progress I've made that's even allowed me to reach such a point. Every moment and experience I have is not just about savoring and not just about balancing. It is also foundationally about how it's adding on to the moment and history of moments before. Each moment a building block, if allowed to set and the waste to drain and process. This is such an important personal sentiment. Everything I choose adds to who I am and I put in the effort to reflect on how that choice truly adds and changes me. These things I create and embody are not just a catalog of my achievements, but bricks in the building of who I am. I remember all those times as a kid when I ached for the strength I have now. I am BEYOND my own imagination. I can't even fully conceive of the impact of that belief. In so many ways, I'm still blind to all that I've become. The extraordinary is all so normal to me now. It's not a dream, but a reality with all the very real responsibilities that come with it. It's all good though, I don't need all that build-up from the excitation, I used to think such a realization would cause me. Anyways, another super cool thing, is that I finally got my internal sight and external sight to run at the same time in parallel. I was watching a video of the sun's solar flares (see below) and it made me realize that it's flow pattern was similar to that of the ocean tide, in that the different directions roll over each other in parallel, while still being distinct. Balancing each other and creating space with contrasting gravitational pressures. It's a similar model for what I've been using to differentiate awareness in relationships and other triangulations, but turned on it's side. So, now I've got the ability to balance chaos and order (at my current level), within every pole which gives me a swirling feeling at all times, not unlike the video of the sun. Constant motion, but grounded and deep, so build-up is much more streamlined, because ignitions are smoother (not starting from a dead stop or whatever), but the speed is anchored and coherent, so I don't suffer from diffusion and constant polarity spikes. Finally, I've broken free from standard human one-dimensionality (tunnel-vision) and it's opposite scatter-brained incoherency, to a blending and harmonizing of the best of both worlds as this dynamic, new, evolution of how I express and live. Shit's nice. I've unlocked a lot of new potential for me. But, I'm taking my time. Uncover new ground, patiently process the wash, carve out the context and nuance, add that nuance to who I am and how it changes me, and then take all that new context with me into the next revolution of my pattern. It's like one of my favorite pictures. I'll post it below. Do you see how it spirals upwards and outwards? Each petal like a capacitor plate, connected not separate, but not so fused as to be indistinct, movement still allowed, dynamic activity still there. Then each layer or ring of petals becomes a system-level capacitor which holds tension with it's adjacent outer (and inner) ring. I love this picture. Even the scars get carried along with each successive ring of the pattern. Scars we carry with us, our history, as we become more. Showing that the end goal is not to erase who were, but to breathe and flourish as who we are. Every petal having a place in the song and light that shines from the center, contributing to the expressions of ourselves, that float like star-dust into existence from in between our edges and layers.

I get why you might feel that way, but nah thoughts are just another thing to balance and take care of. The stuff I wrote about in the post you quoted talks about reactions that happen way before thought even initializes. Our bodies react to different shapes and forms and have internalized certain base level shapes that have chemistries and emotional associations that we consider "healthy" or "safe". When we encounter shapes that lie outside those bounds our bodies react a certain way. The problem is those reactions are blasts of chemical and hormonal cascades that are not nuanced, measured, or all that context specific. Our bodies have yet to evolve to the point where such automatic reactions hold the nuance of a measured chemical response, so we have to become capable enough to handle the wash of the chemical cascade and resultant emotion, while applying tension to slow that snap reaction, in order to gain that nuance and specificity. For example I've done work that's required me to activate chemical cascades from my pituitary gland and the mental associations derived from contrasting with that chemical composition would be considered quite "horrifying", but it's no biggie to me. I know how to balance and calm it all, so it processes correctly, harmonizes, and allows me to gain the nuance, my body would be unable to discover without my assistance.

This is backwards. First of all every wave isn't 100% water, it's got salt and other sediment in it, different degrees of gravitational torsion, and sometimes it even has a dude who fell off a surfboard in it or fish But, the primary difference between the ocean and the wave is the amount of energy passing through it. A wave is not created by water, it is the energy passing through and carrying the water in the FORM of a wave. What does that tell us? Energy both passes through things and creates shapes/forms. What is a human? It is a shape, that although solid, is porous, with energy passing through it, just like that wave. And what does that mean? It means that you can be both a shape with distinct physical form and connected to whats around you, because it's smaller shapes and patterns are passing through you at all times. Soooo... this whole I am not my shape, I am just the energy passing through me is out of touch with reality. In reality we are both at all times. Connected, not separate, but still at the same time distinct and different. We do have an identity, we do have a core or nucleus. Just like the earth has a core, or a cell or atom has a nucleus. This nucleus is the core shape or form that the localized energy within us is carrying along, just like that wave. Which also communicates and shares energy with other cores it can connect to on micro and macro levels. People are just arrogant and don't realize how much growing they still have to do, to be sensitive enough to feel and comprehend all these things. and rather than face that arrogance and the fear and scarcity underneath it, they turn to emotional platitudes.

I find that being deeply and richly connected to my sexuality is needed to increase and add on to my health beyond a certain point. Even if I wasn't having sex though, my body still would be doing sexual things. I'd still be filled with sex hormones, I'd still react to women the way I do and have other motivations that are tied to sex, and my body would still create dreams with sex to facilitate the cycling of old sperm for new. So yes the ability to sexually function is needed for a base-line level of optimal health and the expression of that sexuality would be needed to experience a certain flavor of emotional satisfaction. I find that the more I grow and connect with the depths of myself, the more sexually robust I become. Sex is an amazing response by nature to scarcity and the abundance of life. For me at least, getting "good" at life, directly translates to being more sexually attractive and charismatic, plus it makes sex and sexuality that much more satisfying (you see women deeper and better). Also, nowadays I find that porn and jerking off sucks compared to real sex. I have to feel the core of a woman and the way tension reverberates between her and me. I'd rather let that energetic charge build and flow through me than release that tension by jerking off to some image empty of feminine presence... there is a difference between jerking off to the allure or image of a woman and connecting with her spirit and body during sex. the allure is nice too of course, but it's secondary to how our core sexuality intertwines and communicates. But, sex isn't about release for me anymore.

Morals can be learned and unlearned, although at their core they are derived from structural realities that are necessary for certain degrees of health. Morals, right, wrong, good, evil all stem from differentiating how different actions effect the shape, integrity, or health of a being. It's actually quite interesting. Have you ever seen a tree twisted in a certain way that brings about a reaction of it being creepy? Horror can often be attributed to things just being twisted degrees beyond what we feel to be their "assumed" shape. That's why gnarled trees can look creepy and also why it's compounded in the dark for some people (the dark "blurs" the lines even more). All "monsters" are just things twisted to some degree or another from some contrasting shape we deem as "baseline normal". Like freddy kruger or that weird japanese girl who climbs out of wells or whatever. Take a shape, a man, a little girl, twist it a bit, and it triggers those kinds of feels.

There's a lot of reasons and possibilities. Here's just a couple of them. The first is you're only focusing on one brief snap-shot of their life and then extending that out to be representative as a constant state. Plus, not accounting for what they might be keeping bottled up and distracting away from in that moment with extroversion. I know women for instance often talk about compartmentalizing their anguish when they have to be "social". Everyone has moments of both abundance and scarcity. You have to restrain yourself from losing sight of one or the other, balancing and keeping both in mind, so you become aware of the transitions, nuance, and inter-relations between them. Second, we all have stuff to deal with and that stuff we work on can be a shitty environment, especially when we're not all that capable in the beginning. Some people get swallowed up by self-help and don't know how to space out their efforts of diving in and working on things. It becomes their whole life and their whole story and they forget to pull themselves back out from the depths and have fun. We have to balance our efforts towards working on ourselves, with also enjoying ourselves. Balancing that compulsion for solutions, so it doesn't overshadow the other facets of life. That's partly why so many "intelligent" people become depressed, they don't know how to balance that compulsion for answers and gain tensile resilience towards stress. It can all become too much for them and become all they think about, draining them, putting them out of balance. Balance, balance, balance. You can still be flawed and have fun, but at the same time we can still work on those flaws and harmonize them, so we can have both fun and meaning/substance. Success is not one or the other, but the balancing and flourishing of both.

So, the whole richness thing is analogous to the difference between cooking on broil and cooking in a crock pot. Quick, high heat, not much flavor for the first and slow, rich, and tender for the second. People probably aren't aware of this, but when we do make choices, they are typically high heat, snap decisions. But, now I can slow down the ignition of my choices and can feel when that richness isn't being cooked out. So stress and other daily influences that would make me "high heat" choose a direction, get restrained against now, and my choices and consequently directions stay rich. However, I realized yesterday that I was fusing with richness and forgetting to also balance polarities at the same time, so now I'm working to blend both actions together, so basically I can richly hold contrast and nuance. Over time, it'll internalize and become automatic. Also, with who I am now, my foundations and what I focus on is the following trinity. Chaos/Motion/Dynamics/Subjectivity/Color Order/Form/Structure/Objectivity/Barriers Tension/Connection/Chemistry/Electromagnetism/Polarity and Nuance I can capably cross between the ephemeral and solid at the ranges I can handle and deal with the shifts in their dynamic and how they affect my reality and abilities at the time. And I can also handle and hold the polarities that occur with every shift, so the nuance isn't lost. Of course saying this doesn't mean I'm perfect at it. I'm just saying I have the abilities and skills. Now it's just a matter of becoming really fucking good with them. I'm like a supremely capable beginner. Oh, and I connected with a new level of darkness last night. The real darkness, that is the strength of desire pressurized against the most extreme of scarcities. I get darkness so much more now, it's slowly giving me access to all the memories connected to pain that I blocked out when growing up. Death doesn't exist (it's a concept predicated on limitations of sensitivity and other ignorance), but scarcity does and there are depths of scarcity people's minds can't even really grasp and comprehend. Scary doesn't even begin to describe it and I'm saying that as someone who isn't capable enough to reach far enough to see how deep it goes. I'm glad I can't, because I'm not at a place where I can handle it. Maybe a 100 years from now I'll be able to, but... I don't envy that me, with that knowledge. Ha, wow I actually touched both extreme ranges of scarcity and abundance yesterday (extreme as in relative to my current abilities). Funnily enough, my access to wells of pleasure is more intensely guarded by my body, than access to scarcity, darkness, and desire. It makes sense to me though, I ache for pleasure, and lack the self-restraint to handle the levels being guarded from me. I'm so fucking glad I didn't try to fight that guard. Instead, I'll learn and be patient. Take it a millimeter at a time.

Dang, it's been a week already? Man, I am so grateful for richness and understanding how to protect it, from hasty choices. My life is so different from just the week before. This change has been a loooooong time coming, but I finally found the balance between depth and imagination. As a kid imagination was all I had, but because I didn't know any better I thought it was getting in the way of things and it was something to get rid of in favor of "the truth" and the "real world". So I did and turned to science hard, till I bumped up against experiences science couldn't explain. So, with my imagination failing me and science failing me, I took up the burden again with my own mind and my own senses. Working and working, expanding my senses till I could feel and see as deep inside me as I could. So deep, it hurt and started draining me, till I could finally realize that knowledge alone wasn't enough, not when it grayed you out and robbed you of color. So I started creating systems of balance to help me find the parts I was neglecting and get back my color. My capability circuit and my "five rings". I thought it would take me years more work to get here, but nope, I understand now how to have my feet so grounded they take root, but my wings spread so wide they caress the sky. My vision has expanded, balanced and harmonized. I express it by drawing 5 arrows. An up arrow for imagination/subjectivity, a down arrow for depth/objectivity, a left arrow for the past, a right arrow for the future, and a diagonal arrow for mixtures and different frames of view (lateral vision). I'm not just stuck on the down arrow, processing understandings like a machine, over and over again. I can dynamically balance both depth and imagination to stride the line my level of energy affords me to manifest what I create in my mind into physical reality. People may not see it this way, but to me, the quantum level is the universe's imagination. Things are so incredibly microscopic that they don't seem to play by the expected laws of the universe. It's chaos there. But what people don't realize is that chaos/motion/energy and order/form/matter share a space where they transfer and inter-mingle and I can feel that dividing line. Matter is not as solid as people make it out to be and energy is not necessarily as ephemeral as people make it out to be. As a matter of fact, matter and people are quite porous and energy flows quite easily through us. I can feel how my presence penetrates others and how other people penetrate me with their awareness. It's strange, ha, and in some ways kind of creepy even. But, I won't talk too much about that. Back to richness. I can feel the difference between a rich choice and a gray one and my dedication towards richness is changing what I can and can't do. Old patterns of automatic behavior, no longer holding the allure they once did. I find it hard to write like I once did, the level of analyticism failing me, because I feel deep in my bones where such an indulgence will take me. Instead, I choose a harder path and struggle and grow, so new patters form that adhere to the standards of richness I set for myself. A harmony of both color and structure. I watch everyday, the choices I make and stop and revise when I feel the color fading as I move forward. I have to, because the slope is so subtle and so slippery. A gray choice indulged distorts the ability for my senses to differentiate how it runs counter to the color in my soul. I can't allow those negative adaptions to take place, so I stay committed in my care. I work to slow down, restraining when I just want to move forward without a care... but I can't I care too much to settle for less of who I am. I've made promises to free and connect with every single bit of who I am and I won't leave me behind. God my body loves this too. I've got this constant, cool, refreshing feeling coming from my digestive system for over 2 days now and I've been connecting with some pretty amazing fucking things inside of me. It's so much easier to balance all the things I'm feeling now and it's like every day the world adds on something awesome to me. All the things I've deeply wanted and have been afraid I'd never have are coming to me. I know there is insane level pain and stress and brutality out in the universe, but I'm okay with that. The thing that really sapped at my soul was something else, I can't even put into words, but thankfully, my body is showing and literally telling me that finally, I'll never have to worry about those fears again. I still got all the other shit to deal with and it can still crush me without a thought of course. But, my soul fears are unexpectedly being soothed away. I can't even describe what that means to me.

Thank you! I appreciate it and wish you the best in your journey :-)

Yup, pretty much what I expected from you. You're not really serious about growing, you just want that hit of validation from posting over and over on a message board. My Arrogance? You do realize that you started a thread about becoming self-realized, where you spouted all kinds of grandiose claims with very little in the way of substantive REALIZATIONS to back it up. You're mistaking capability for arrogance, when you'd be better off examining your own hubris.

Is your focus relief or connection and reintegration? I ask because relief can mean a lot of different things and often times, most people repress and suppress emotions because they seek relief or escape from them. Life can be stressful and painful and so to can be the experience of our emotions. But, even that stress and pain can add to the richness and beauty of life if balanced and applied in the right contexts. In order to be intimate and close to a thing, we have to be vulnerable to it, whether the focus be other people or our own feelings. I'm going to go ahead and answer based on the assumption that your intent is primarily connection and reintegration. I have a lot of experience and success with re-integrating suppressed emotions over the course of my life. I was the super sensitive kid who got hurt and ran away from his emotions and created an armor of distance and intellectualism. Only to throw away that armor when it became a cage of empty gray. I worked and worked, stepping again and again into the fire of my emotions and facing the weight of who I really was. Becoming more and more sensitive and vulnerable, but also more and more authentic and resilient. All while doing it in a grounded and very systematic way, to be the man I am now and to feel the deep and rich things I feel. Connecting with our emotions, means having a relationship with them, and that means how you treat and relate to them and how involved you are with them, will determine the strength and richness of your connection (just like in a relationship with another person). Not just when it's easy to do so, but when it's hard and stressful, or mundane and normal. In each of those environments, we have to see and feel authentically and with balance, rather than automatically jumping to conclusions or ignoring and distracting away from it's impact. Facing those places where we're twisted up and shifting the chemistry there, so things can work in harmony with each other. Examining and opening up the richness, subtlety, and nuance so each emotion has the chance to fully "breathe" and express itself to you, adding it's music to the song of who you are. As an example, for a lot of my life, I've been focused on understanding how things work and are organized, but as I grew and became more capable I began to feel how knowledge alone wasn't enough. I felt why I originally made such a choice and processed all the deep and painful feelings around it. I wrote an account of that process and I'll include it for you at the end, for you to read if you want (plus a more cathartic account). So what that all means, is we have to be more sensitive so we can feel our emotions deeper and see the subtle details and inter-relations that are involved with them. You can't do that by just being an observer, you have to feel and process. But, at the same time you have to have focused awareness as well as sensitivity, so you're not just caught up in the emotion, but processing and connecting it with your story and what it means. Shifting reactions from the past, with the difference of who you are now. Examining blanket statements, reactions, and assumptions and smoothing them out so their coherent and grounded in reality, which shifts the feel, the context, and the eventual meaning. Taking the binary, black and white thinking and adding richness and more context. Facing the dissonance and resistance of old beliefs as they shift and change from this processing of a new view. All the while restraining our compulsions to intellectualize these feelings with our mind because of some expectation, before they have a chance to finish speaking to us. No, we feel fully, authentically, consciously, and coherently and after that experience changes us, our view, and our beliefs, then we analyze and narrate/categorize it all, like I did below in my writing. If you have any questions, please let me know. I hope this helps. ************ I am so grateful for no longer being blind to all the pride I'm carrying inside me. I didn't realize how it was drying me up and choking out my natural, joyful curiosity and sense of intrigue. It was also creating a distance from my own growth process, diluting it, because it made the growth about something else, more a justification or condition, than about my life. God, I felt like I got more of my voice back after I started processing it. I could feel it's burning heat course through me and my voice to myself that I consider "me" changed, down-shifting like treble to bass and calming, softening, in very slight but deep ways, if that makes sense. When I was young, it seems my pride in my intelligence, my ability to figure things out, was all I felt I had. It's what I leaned on in so much of my life and drank from, when I didn't have other things to nurture me. For so long, I've been operating under this desire to understand the foundation of the whole universe and while I've been succeeding in spectacular ways, it's not enough. I wanted to be so good at figuring things out, that I eventually grew to figure out, that I chose such a path because it was the only road I could see at the time. The only thing that didn't immediately remind me of how much I felt I sucked at everything else. I had to get behind that desire, to the person hurting underneath, who chose this way to protect himself and what little trust he had in his own capability. That kid was doing the best he could, but I can help him do better now. I can help him, be him, and do things for the reasons he would choose if nature wasn't fucking with him. The barriers he felt then, I've surpassed now, deficiencies have grown into strengths and my why, my deep, deep, indescribable why of what I do, can grow and be more than a spire, built in reaction to pain and deprivation. How much of our motivation is a reaction to pain and pressure and things out of reach? How do we balance and bridge that part with the other facets of our nature, so they work in harmony together? So that, we can become more than the branches made from a single choice in our past and get closer to our trunk and roots? The way I see it now, is that I'm letting humility shoulder some of the burden, my pride has been carrying all these years. I give the stunted things behind my pride, the chance to blink their eyes in pain to the sunlight and adapt and grow and stand on their own. So they can play. So they can breathe and add their notes to the song that is my voice and my presence. I'm fucking tired of the edges of my pride cutting into me and my joy. I'm capable enough to softly take the incredible pain life has and not use pride to shield and shadow me. It's why I dance and laugh so much more now, making up stupid songs as I go, or jump up and down like a little kid on Christmas when I wake up on Saturday mornings. I will choose that every day over pain cloaked in sophistry and the pride of knowing. My brittleness is being burned and pressurized out of me. I feel it's etching on my insides, running me ragged, taking me to the edges of my fragility and I'm so glad, no matter how much it feels like it sucks at the time. There are parts of me that suck, that burn and hurt, and need to be untwisted and turned around. I will go to those places. I won't leave them alone. There will be no doors in this house of who I am, where ghosts of me in my past, sit alone, crying in the dark. I will be there and if I can't handle the heat behind that door, I will wait and play just outside so he can hear till my hand can handle the pain and turn the knob. I promise. *********** We have many songs to sing and it is so beautiful to me that each string added, does not over-shadow the one it came from before. This change is not a way of replacing one for the other, but like the universe itself, the pressure of life gives birth to new and the space of all expands and grows to accommodate. I chose in the past year or so, to add, not replace. That everything has a space and place where it can breathe and be. If I need more space, more earth, more air, I will create it so every part of me, from pain to beauty has a home. That is the beauty of the instrument we can be. We are not limited to just a few, we just have a lot of growing to do, to get to the point where we can handle and grasp how deep our song can truly be sung. Fine tuning each string, so the note it plays can better compliment it's brothers and sisters, creating a harmony where in that space, more strings can be discovered. The vibrations of ourselves coming into tune, awakening more of the potential hidden in our roots, so more branches can be coaxed to grow and try to stand and feel the light of day. We call out to the world around us, just as much as we call to ourselves. Expressing the depths of who we are and how we feel, becoming and being, both at the same time. Growing and bleeding, burning and breathing, as alive in the fires of our passion as we can stand. Involved in the deepest of ways with the brutal beauty that is nature. Awakening ourselves to ourselves like infants crying out from birth.