Erol

When I was 23 in 2019 I went to Thailand for 2 months. I meditated, lost weight, experienced this extreme presence and connection to life. I came back much wiser and more in line with life. Now 5 years later I gained much more weight back than I lost and was depressed for a long time. Now I’m alright, sometimes even good. Got a well paying, extremely easy going and sometimes fun job, live with my gf and our 2 cats. Everything’s okay but I’m bored out of my fucking mind. I crave another adventure. I’m a bit lost and confused. I’m afraid that even if I go on another heroes journey I will come back and everyday life will get me back. Reading or watching things about topics like spiral dynamics or enlightenment give me purpose but I feel so unmotivated that I often don’t even wanna do that. Writing and producing music is a big hobby of mine, but even that seems pointless.

I had the same thing with running, but only temporarily

It was always my dream to go to the tropics for the fruit and the weather. In 2019 I had some money saved up so I went to Koh Phangan, Thailand for two months, just before moving out from my mother's place. I still can't stop thinking about this place. Nowadays I make a bit more money so I will go there for a few weeks early 2025 to see if it's my "youth" and freedom that I'm craving or the place itself. But I definitely have this craving to live there, eat all the delicious tropical fruits, enjoy the nice weather, the nature and the mystical tropical nights. I don't have the means right now but I also don't wanna do any online job that I don't like. That would kind of defeat the purpose. Also I have a nice life here. Living with my gf and two cats. I have a nice relationship to my mother who I also don't wanna leave and a pretty nice job. But it's still my dream. So I'm a bit confused on this topic. Maybe there is someone here who went through the same and can give me some advice or share their experience.

YES!

I have been reading Ken Wilber’s no boundaries. I get the persona stage. That you recognize and accept parts of your psyche, that you don't like. For example by seeing what outside of your definition of "I" triggers you and then accepting those things as a part of yourself. So persona + shadows = Ego. In order to transcend the Ego stage and get to the total organism stage you need to realize that there is no border between your ego and your body. I don't really get that part. I mean I understand that my personality is bound to my body. My whole character developed through genes and experiences with my body. If I would change something about my body, like change my hormone household by taking steroids I change my personality. I also understand the analogy of the centaur. But I don't understand how I can identify with my body. This seems much more abstract to me than the shadow thing. Can someone help me understand and feel it?

@Phil King Thanks a lot! Book sounds promising. What do you think about biogenetics from Alexander Lowen?

Which of his books do you think are his most important and that maybe are easier to read? I’m not the biggest reader 😄

Thanks guys!