I'm a 30 year old woman looking for guidance. Any perspective is appreciated. I feel stressed and lost, but I have never been more ready to change the trajectory of my life.
I tried keeping this short but if my text is too long you can skip to the questions further down.
I’ve been working on my self for most of my twenties, like most people I guess. I went to therapy, did some shadow work, yoga, mediation, had experiences with ayuascha in Santo Daime ceremonies and in general improved my habits a little by little - but I’m still painfully self aware and awkward, with low self esteem and difficulties trusting others. My body gets easily triggered - waves of shame and stress flow through me for the smallest thing like saying the wrong word, bumping into someone or getting honked at by a car in the street. As I child my family assumed I was just shy and that it would sort itself out, but it never did. In fact it got much worse before it got better.
I've been trying to fix myself for so long. I got on SSRIs a couple of years for depression, but I felt it only numbed the symptoms so I quit. I got checked for ADHD but that was inconclusive. I went to group therapy for general anxiety, which helped a bit. At this point I have just assumed it's a mix of trauma, cptsd, ocd, genes and personality. I’m tired of looking for diagnosies and I want to take responsibility for my life and accept the things I can’t control.
I grew up with a single mom - my dad lived far away but supported us financially. I never lacked clothes, food or toys. I met him every few months or so, but it wasn’t enough for me to form a strong connection with him as I grew older. I was a shy kid and he was a man of few words. He died a few years ago from cancer. My mom was often emotionally unpredictable but she provided food, routine, story times and hugs. She later got diagnosed with ptsd and ME. I often felt responsible for her emotions growing up. I still love her and talk to her, but being too close to her takes a toll on my mental health.
I had a best friend that was manipulative and always testing my limits. She could put me on 'time out' if I said the wrong thing. She would belittle me and question my decisions and actions. Despite all that, she was my best friend, we had known each other since kindergarten after all. At 16 she was killed in a mass shooting. It took a long time to process that friendship and the brutal end of it. For many years I could only remember the bad things, but in the end she was the only one closest to me besides my mom. It felt like I lost a big piece of my life when she died.
I have a half-sister that was in her teens when I was born and I really liked being with her, but she moved out at 18. She never had a good relationship with our mom and was probably eager to start her own life. The older I get the more I realise how different we are. I moved from my hometown over a decade ago and I’ve realised that I don’t really know my family anymore, I don't think I ever did. I feel like they let me down, but they probably did their best. I don’t know what family is anymore apart from illusions and wishful thinking. I’ve narrowed in on a lot of negatives, but there were a lot of good things as well which I am grateful for.
Right now I’m in a stable relationship, I have a few close friends and I feel much better than I did just a year ago. I’ve learned to overcome my social anxiety in many ways and despite my awkwardness I believe I will always manage to build meaningful relationships. However, I lack purpose and self worth. I have an education in art, worked in a kindergarten, then a warehouse and now I'm doing a one year course in pedagogy in art and design as part of me trying to increase my knowledge and chances at getting a more meaningful job.
Problem nr 1) I can’t talk in front of a group larger than 2-3 people without getting anxious. The first month of my studies my body was in a non-stop stress response. I could barely remember anything from the lectures because I couldn’t get my body to relax. It's better now, but as the anxiety quiets the self doubt emerges. I've started going to improv theatre workshops as a form of exposure therapy for this, but I don't think that's enough. How do I grab my inferiority complex by the horns and dare to truly be myself when I feel like the things I know and the person I am have no value or isn’t applicable in any useful way?
Problem nr 2) I haven't done anything of value yet. I can’t remember a time when I trusted myself and my abilities to do anything. I feel useless and I so desperately want to be useful. I'm good at some things within the creative sphere but not as good as many others. I’m not even sure I want to become a teacher, considering how much I doubt my self. I think I could enjoy teaching at a later stage in life when I have more experience, but with the studies I'm diving in head first, getting work experience I don't feel ready for at all. I want to contribute to making a better world, but I don't know how. Is there a chance I will ever create real value for this world? I feel lacking in time and motivation. How can I know where to start?
Problem nr 3) Everything has a sense of meaningless to it. I’ve often had difficulties accepting the state of the world and the realities of it all. Ideally if I were to follow my ideals from when I was young I probably should have exited this world a long time ago. I’m so disappointed of the way we treat each other and the earth. There’s so much knowledge everywhere, from the depths of our own hearts to the core of the trees and flowers. Yet we keep on killing and allowing systems of destruction and distraction continue. Every sort of profession I consider melts away when I start to think about «what’s the point?». How do I navigate job searching and further education when it feels meaningless in the grand scheme of things?
For the first time in my life there's a tiny feeling growing inside me, telling me that I can do difficult things. I can do what I want to, even if it's scary, and it's okay to struggle on the way. However, I feel like I'm so late to realising this.. And what if there's something fundamentally wrong with me? Is it too late for me to create the life I want? How do I create a life in line with the highest good?
This is my first ever forum post online and I'm very curious to see your responses. I'm very grateful for Leos work, and for having an opportunity to reach likeminded souls through this forum.. I haven't listened to him in a while but it always feels comforting when I do. His words has often provided me with much needed illumination on some of my darkest days.
Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu
