Hi.
I am a guy that studies clinical psychology in Europe. I have been doing psychedelic therapy, and I have stumbled upon something that I have a really hard time integrating.
Around 9 years ago in the start of my twenties, I started going to a psychologist. My life was not going well. I had been abusing different substances because of depression over a period of some years. This therapist helped me a lot. I had been blaming myself for all of the problems happening in my family. I suddenly got the insight that I wasn’t as bad of a character that I though I was and learned to live by my most fundamental values. I learned a lot of psychological principles that worked.
The therapist suggested I started meditating. I was hesitant at first. A friend of mine had also started meditating at the same time and was recommending it to me. At this time I also started watching Leo’s YouTube videos where he talked about meditation. In the end I bought into the idea and startet meditating every day for 20 minutes. My life was suddenly going were well. It was like I was slingshotted like a satellite entering the orbit of another planet. I had my meditation practice going for some time.
I stopped meditating for some time and life was not as frictionless as it used to when I was having a daily practice. I read another self-help book that was talking about meditation and I had this eureka moment where I recognized how huge deal meditation was in helping me self-actualizing. I started my practice back up and boosted it to 1hr+ a day. I had an insane flow state. I have undiagnosed ADHD and one of my advantages is that I have the ability to hyper focus. This combined with meditation practice made it possible for me to get a razor thin concentration. I aced every subject I had in school with A grades, and was going to study at one of the most prestigious educational programs (engineering combined with economics) in my country. This was until I meditated while simultaneously smoking cannabis in the Christmas vacation. I got this really uncomfortable feeling in my body before I got a vision in my head where I tried to talk to my parents as a child. Boom and is was like somebody cut with a knife over my third eye. I felt a electric shock in my body and fell of my meditation stool.
From this day on I had daily persistent tension headaches. My life was hell. My concentration was at negative infinity. I regressed to a point below where I was at before I started my soul-searching journey. I was depressed and though about suicide everyday over a course of several years. I made a pact with my-self that I was going to figure out this whole headache situation to the point where I was willing to bet my whole life for this purpose.
First thing was that I read about Alexander Lowen´s bioenergecits and psychosomatics. I went all in and travelled to another country and met with a professional practicioneer in this field. For a year I worked with her in another country. It didn’t work out well in the start, so I suggested introducing psychedelics into the mix. 1.5 hours x 2 every week. 1 session with psychedelics and 1 session without. The psychedelic opened me up and I was starting to work my trauma energy out. I did this for a year, but it was moving way to slow than what I thought it was going to be.
When I came home, my headache wasn’t resolved. But I had external pressure from family to start studying. I was forced to choose clinical psychology as my future profession, because I still needed to figure out the psychosomatic situation about the headache. I started the study. I tried doing psychedelics, but it did not work out as it was hard to fix it logistically with a trip sitter and location.
I had my headache on the back burner and was focusing my energy on other things. Fast forward to a couple of years ago, I started to do low doses of LSD combined with holotropic breath work. I created a protocol to keep my nerves under control during the therapy sessions with ice baths and vagus nerve stimulation weeks before every trip. I had 10 sessions in 3 months and my symptoms got way better. The headache was melting away.
What seemed to come up in several session was these girly, bubbly, pink emotions in my body while doing the therapy. I am almost 99% sure my body started producing high doses of estrogen while tripping. A trauma from my childhood appeared when I was molested by my best friend (family friend) who was 5 years older than me. He was in puberty and I was probably 7 years old. My father had some porn magazines and movies that we found and watched together. We both got really aroused to the point where he couldn’t handle his urges. He forced me to do different stuff. I liked it. I was really into it. It was just something about losing control and being forced to do something that you don’t like while simultaneously liking it at the same time. My emotions was so amped up in the situation that I disassociated. The trauma itself was not the biggest deal, but was all the shit that went on afterwards. I did a lot of externalizing and got caught by my parents and teachers at school for doing a lot of stupid shit. My first years in middle school was hell and I ended up with a lot of narcissistic traits.
I started doing heavier doses of LSD. Around 500ug with eyeshades and binaural beats. The same feelings appear. My pelvis is shaking heavily while all these emotions goes around my body. My body produces a lot of estrogen. I have read a lot on trans forums about how it feels to do estrogen and it’s exactly the same feeling I am getting. My boners are soft and hard while I get these crazy body orgasms when I masturbate. I get these fantasies in my mind about being a girl being penetrated and it feeling good. It is like all of the energy in my body becomes pink and red. I see a lot of pink hearts swirling around. I suddenly feel drawn towards makeup, shaving my legs and doing all the other self care stuff girls usually do. I can watch a porn movie and feel jealous of the girl being fucked.
This is really confusing. Because when I work out a lot and eat clean (which results in higher testosterone levels), I feel manly and the thought of being a girl having sex is nauseating. In these mind states I only want to have sex with girls.
I have three different hypothesizes:
1. I am a trans woman that have repressed my sexuality because I am ashamed of the trauma.
2. What I am experiencing in the therapy sessions is the repressed emotions of liking what I was going through when I experienced the trauma, and I am integrating this disassociated part of my personality
3. I have hybrid brain that could function on both testosterone and estrogen. What I experience in the sessions is just healing my trauma.
Does anybody have the slightest clue or insight about what this phenomenon could be all about?
