Ulyssees

After a few years of this self-actualization and life purpose journey, I believe I've narrowed down what I must do with my life. The problem is, the entertainment industry is going through a period of rapid change due to technology. If that wasn't already hard enough this is an extremely difficult industry to make it in at the best of times and there are no guarantees of success. I can live with that as I do have a genuine desire to create no matter if its a success or not. The positives are I've got a finger tip feel for all things related to the subjects of filmmaking and creative writing. The rock is I live in a country that really does not have much of a film/entertainment industry. In fact its going through a somewhat hyper stage orange phase and creativity is looked down upon, unless its ways to make more money and acquire more investment properties. That aside I've already come to the conclusion that I will have to move abroad to pursue this, which I have no problem with(except for the fact I literally do not have the financial means to do this right now) Now the hard place: I'm playing catch up with my adult life after a series of unfortunate events and poor decision making on my part during my 20s. So much so, that everything in the paragraph above feels like a total pipe dream and downright delusion, no matter how much of a natural inclination I have towards the subjects. I am poor, unemployed and as of now and live in mummys basement. I've taken the past two years off due to covid wage slavery burnout and I've been grounding and rebuilding myself up since. However an opportunity has came up, I have the chance to get into a lucrative career that makes really good money and can branch off to making even more money down the line if I play my cards right. More money equals more opportunities right? The trouble is this industry demands your absolute attention, and you are expected to be constantly learning to keep one step ahead of the bad guys. Sounds sweet right? The problem is, that finger tip feel I mentioned previously is completely absent when studying for this career path. Not only do I have a hard time grasping some of the subject matter, but I genuinely have no care in the world about all things IT, which I need to know the absolute ins and outs of. Its like my brain is made to only pursue subjects I like and discard learning things I don't really care for. There's also a cost of living crisis plaguing the country and I feel like I need to be making six figures and more just to live comfortably. My survival instincts are screaming towards pursuing the career in IT, but when its crunch time of actually studying the subject matter it feels like my soul is having a temper tantrum and I can't even get anything done productively for it some days. I'm fearful that in undertaking the IT career path its going to take me off course and completely away from moving towards my life purpose. Its going to be one hell of a balancing act. If any of you are under similar circumstances I'd love to hear some tips and tricks of doing this balancing act. TL:DR; I feel like I need to pick between a lofty life purpose and a career I really don't have a passion for but will cover my survival needs completely if I can do it.

Blows my mind how much you can distort your own reality by reading or hearing the negative experiences of others. I could catch myself slipping into negative incel tier thinking about women and past experiences rushed back that weren't the best when reading the OPs post on here. Just a reminder to myself that I really really need to tread carefully about what I am feeding my mental diet. I can trap myself in negative thinking and depression like patterns when I let my mind run wild with this stuff. Overall its probably for the best to limit my screen time in general moving forward with my life. I can't afford to mess around with it anymore, its far too costly for me.

I swear I gave a quick search on the forum tags AND the main actualized channel itself to see if Leo has posted about this topic. I've heard him mention Integrating experiences and have seen the word thrown around in other places. Integrate, integrate. I thought this would make a great video topic and he could cover so much ground within it as well as explaining what exactly Integrating is and how to do it properly since I barely have a clue myself. (Flying off the seat of my pants I assumed Integrating is one part journaling and contemplating said experience deeply and accepting it?) Some topic examples he could cover could include: What is Integration? (Breakdown guide on what it means exactly and how to effectively do it) How to Integrate certain life experiences(positive & negative) How to Integrate different aspects of ego development/spiral dynamics stages How to Integrate Psychedelic/Spiritual experiences There's probably more that I can't even think of but that covers the gist of the topic. P.S. If someone has made this request before and the thread needs to be deleted I understand. Also the thread title is the video title

Man I don't even know where to begin with that but I will give you an example from earlier today. I was in a foul mood and decided to drive to the park and sit by the waves and clear my mind, when I arrived I saw a couple minding their own business and my mind negatively started to dwell on that. Had I been 10 years stupider It would have ruined the rest of my day completely with blackpill/incel thoughts but I was able to ground myself and get rid of those emotions. I consider that to be a sign of healing from those toxic beliefs. As for the deconstruction man its been a wild ride and long story short, I wasted so many years and opportunities on stupid conspiracy theories, ideological beliefs and religion. I cant even describe how the deconstruction happened, everything just slowly started to 'click' about the bullshit hole I dug myself in. Seeing the reactions to covid was the start of the questioning about the validity of things I previous believed, Leos videos on Conspiracy theories and the Self Deception series was the final push. Everybody hates covid but I see it as a blessing in disguise. It may be a stretch to say, but I believe I'd have never found this place if covid never happened, and I would have remained with the wool pulled over my eyes in the shit heap trench that I have been digging for myself all these years.

Preface: I'm fairly new to Actualized and only discovered Leo's YouTube channel and in late 2021. I had no idea about the term or that the concept of self actualization even existed and viewed it through a basic lense of self improvement. It did not take me long dive deep into the rest of his content and due to a combining factor of covid, homelessness and being overworked, I found it at a strange time of having a mental collapse of sorts. Prior to this, to say my previous concepts of self improvement was on the downward of the spiral would be an understatement. I was heavily into hardcore redpill and blackpill incel content for too many years and thats where this is going. My self concept was in the pits for so long, self esteem non existent(Thanks for recommending the Six Pillars of Self Esteem btw), etc. Ive never had a girlfriend or a relationship of any sort save for two drunken flings and random periods of sexting women I'd meet on and off through dating apps over the years. My outlook towards women was extremely poor, as was the way I viewed myself ironically. Its only been through the recent two years of doing some healing and deconstructing work Ive been able to see them and myself through a healthier lense. Moving forward with this post I will omit personal information the best I can. A month ago I was invited out by a friend who is a stereotypical 'chad' in every sense of the word. He effortlessly pulls women toward himself with that bad boy charm and game, but also general drama too. I haven't been out since 2019 for a lot of reasons. Covid and wage slavery being two big ones. Its funny because I nearly wasn't going to go and was trying to convince myself to stay home with thoughts of "What if we run into trouble? It will just be like any other boring night of drinking" but my urge to drink was too strong so I rolled with it and met him out at the local watering hole. People were having a party of sorts when we arrived in the outdoor area and my friend knew some people of that said party so we started socializing with them. I'm mainly introverted and dont really engage in conversation unless somebody starts talking with me first. The night continued on, my friend argued with another patron and somehow I found myself talking to a woman from the social group that was out partying. I had no intention on picking anyone up that night and I just casually talked with her, asked her questions to improve my own lack of social skills(its rare I talk to women in person at all), etc. She seemed to enjoy the conversation because she asked if I was going to the bigger club downtown later, I said I might and she said I should and through some modicum of drunken self awareness it clicked in my mind that she was into me, so I obliged that thought and we made our way to the club. She arrived a little later than me and we met up and resumed our conversation in a quieter area, again I kept it casual and slowed my drinking right down. I forget word for word what was exchanged but I do remember her sharing personal info that I did not judge her for and kept the conversation moving by asking her questions and having a genuine interest in her and the scenario I found myself in from a meta-perspective. I asked her why she liked me more than my friend and she said that he is hot but I was different. Different how? I didnt even ask, but looking back at what she told me I got the idea that she probably was never asked much about herself or treated well by other men. The night moved quickly and we were all over each other by the end we made our way back to my place. I'll spare you all the rest of the details regarding that. The following days and even up to now have been a mental unravelling of sorts. Prior beliefs about myself and the shit I had been following for years blindly were questioned thoroughly. I have not consumed or looked at redpill/blackpill content like I use to since covid started and especially after discovering the rabbithole of Actualized.org, but sometimes intrusive thoughts(mainly negative body image stuff) does linger. This journaling of these events may not mean much to anyone reading but it was very transformative for me and maybe somebody will get something out of it. Like I said before I was amazed for days later, it really is a bizarre feeling having previously held belief systems contradicted before your very eyes. And this has not been the only belief systems that I have done it with. Have I been an outgoing casanova since this has happened? No, but I have a way more healthier view and better understanding of myself and interacting with women in general. I cannot state enough that I really really did buy into the red and blackpill horse shit that I was not good enough for any woman for so many years. I have a lot more healing and work to do on myself moving forward, thanks if you read the whole thing, hope it did not drag on too long.