These past few months I’ve gone through a pretty bad life crisis. I feel stuck, lost, and hopeless. I am questioning everything and it has gotten too a point where it is debilitating and taking away from every other aspect of my life. Everything is falling apart and I feel hopeless. Reality seems so scary right now. And I don’t know what to do other then rant about my problems and hope someone can at least offer some guidance or perspective.
[Originally, this post was a long a** rant that I spent about 15 mins just writing. It was messy and very chaotic, so I took the paint points of the rant and made a bullet-point summary.]
Homeschooling Trauma
No social life / friends
Bad social anxiety
Cheating throughout online school, and forgetting the things I did learn and fear of lack of essential and necessary education before entering college.
Life is bleak and others pity me
FOMO on teenage / HS experiences
Existential Crisis Based on Nihilism
Fear of death
Fear of wasted time / further wasting time and not spending it correctly, not making use of every moment. And not knowing how or why to even spend it correctly.
My existence feels futile and mundane but also confusing without meaning, it all feels meaningless
Fear of dying without knowing everything there is too know about everything
Feeling insignificant and useless in a literal and existential way
Afraid I cannot go back to how I was mentally and physically with these realizations. I feel doomed. I can't continue with regular life anymore, I keep thinking about how it all doesn't matter and how I won't possibly solve all these issues and that I'm just living a distraction. It's all a distraction. All cope. I feel paralyzed. And how can I live knowing how *** up our world is.
Mental Health
Feeling of depression and suicide.
Chronic and debilitating procrastination that has ruined every aspect of life, caused me too go days without doing school work or even basic tasks like showering, and has put me behind in school, my previous goals, basic *** like attending college orientations, changing clothes, sleeping and life in general.
Overeating and excessive weight gain
Extreme insecurities regarding physical appearance (looks, acne, weight, height), have fallen into the "blackpill" rabbit hole and it's made me very depressed.
Loneliness: virgin, friendless, loveless
Cases of ghosting from perceived friends that have happened in more then one instance
Negative experiences with therapy and doubts about its practical, ethical, and scientific legitimacy.
The realization my loved ones may also be struggling just as bad as me
Life Crisis Regarding Future (School, Career, Finances, Personal)
Fear of going too college because of social anxiety and it being a repeat of high-school loneliness and suffering.
Insecurities involving the prestige and price of school as well as major choice not being a good fit, being too hard, and useless
Unsure if college is right for me and feel like I am going in blind
The desire too play college soccer but the reality of not being recruited and me not realistically making my team due to skill issues, development issues, and the fact my school is a high level team and I barely played in HS.
Hopelessness when it comes too dreams I’ve had as a kid (soccer, music, content creation, entrepreneurship) shattering against reality and never coming true. The realization of probability / determinism / luck / insane skill I may not posses in regards too hopes and dreams / unfairness of capitalist system has killed my hope. I will die never accomplish these and any sliver of hope is delusion. But, I cannot live with this notion. It hurts to realize not everything is possible.
Fear of being average and never accomplishing remarkable feats.
Fears of being doomed to wage slavery and being poor for the rest of my life just like I am now. Afraid I won’t be able to provide for my family and / or follow passions and be a failure in life like I already am.
Finding self improvement, goals, and even continuing life itself futile and so confusing with all this hopelessness and uncontrollable factors that seem to not favor me. This is causing me too feel stuck and unsure what my “next steps” are, I’m just living day by day and I am clueless. I want answers.
