onacloudynight

I actually I have a meditation journal here, but I usually practice 40 minutes per session.

Lol I do want sex and I know I need to work for it. I guess I just struggle with motivating myself to get into the field. I guess I don't want it strongly enough.

I just want sex though. I really don't care about creating a network of "cool" friends and achieving a high social status, just so I can fuck a girl. To me that just seems like too much work for sex. I don't know maybe I am just lazy, but I really would just like spending my time meditating and being a guy that has hardly no friends, but can still have sex when he wants it. I honestly don't care about or want friends anymore.

Yeah I am actually meditating 3 hours a day now. I can imagine that I wouldn't be able to keep that up if I get involved with pickup. If I had to pick one, honestly I would pick meditating.

I would say I have average social skills. Flirting on the other hand I just suck at. I just have horrible approach anxiety.

Day 4 What I accomplished: 3x40 minutes of Mindfulness Meditation 1x30 minutes of Do nothing Meditation 3x10 minutes of Concentration Meditation. I would say today was above average. I was pretty blissful when I woke up, but then during the evening, some sadness came over me. It didn't really bother me that much, since I realize that you have to suffer sometimes in order to grow. Speaking of suffering, I have a lot of involuntary screaming that happens during my meditation, followed by hysterical laughter. I sometimes worry that I might have a mental disorder, but I like to think that this is all part of the purging that happens with meditation lol. Also my meditation sessions have been going pretty deep. I seem too enter this state where it feels like I am asleep, but I am still awake and aware of everything. It is hard to describe. Lately, I have really stopped caring about things. All I really care about is raising my awareness, as nothing in this world really appeals to me. I am seriously contemplating becoming a monk and am planning on visiting a monastery to see if the monk life appeals to me. Anyways I have been loving meditating this long and I also love that I am journaling about it. Excited for tomorrow!

Day 3 What I accomplished: 2x40 minutes of Mindfulness Meditation 1x22 minutes of Mindfulness Meditation 1x40 minutes of Do nothing Meditation 2x10 minutes of Concentration Meditation. Today was a little bit more difficult than the other days. An old friend called me today and wanted to hang out, which took away some time that I could meditate. I noticed today that I am also extremely agitated like I can't sit still. I feel really hyper, like I am on coke or something. I really am craving sex. I wish I could just terminate the desire completely as it is getting in the way of my meditation practice. I know that sex will never completely fulfill me. I will just keep wanting it more and more. Hopefully as time goes on my attachment to sex will wane.

Day 2 What I accomplished: 3x40 minutes of Mindfulness Meditation 1x40 minutes of Do nothing Meditation 4x5 minutes of Concentration Meditation. Today was similar to yesterday. It was pretty laid back and peaceful. It is very apparent now how loud and obnoxious my family is. I am finding myself craving more of a quiet atmosphere. I seem to be really sensitive to loud environments. Anyways meditating for this long has proven to be pretty easy so far. I'm looking forward to attending a mini 2 day retreat at the Bhavana society in a couple of weeks. This will be my first retreat so I am pretty pumped. All in all I can say I am enjoying this so far.

Day 1 What I accomplished: 2x40 minutes of Mindfulness Meditation 1x35 minutes of Mindfulness Meditation 1x35 minutes of Do nothing Meditation 3x10 minutes of Concentration Meditation. Today was pretty peaceful. I have been mediating for a little over a year and a half now and am starting to notice the fruits of my effort. Recently I entered a state where, whenever I am going about my everyday activities, my inner voice quiets down and all that is left is whatever I am focused on. It wasn't all that difficult to do 3 hours and I am pretty confident I can finish this 15 day challenge. I am trying to remain mindful 24/7 and what I ran into today was amazing! I was walking in Walmart and I just felt like everything around me was perfect. The more I get equated with the present moment, the more I realize how perfect everything already is. There is really nothing to change. Overall today was a pretty awesome day! Looking forward to tomorrow!

I was wondering why my life purpose didn't feel authentic, but after being really self-honest, I realized that I don't really care about impacting the world. I don't know if it is just a stage of life that I am in or what, but I really don't care at all. I'm finding it hard to come up with my life purpose, since I don't have any genuine concern for the world. Should I just pretend to care? Fake it till you make it? Or be true to myself?

I've seriously considered it. I just need to get rid of all my addictions.

The only thing I care about is how far I can raise my consciousness/awareness. The problem is I don't have enough money to spend on going to retreats and other stuff. I wanted to find my life purpose because not only would it be something meaningful for me to do, but also would be a good source of income, so that I could do better consciousness work. The only thing I seem to be missing is a genuine desire to help the world.

So the past 2 months I feel as though I have completely lost motivation/desire for anything. Nothing makes me happy anymore, like I feel completely apathetic. I feel empty. I used to be really excited to watch Leo's videos every week and had a ton of motivation to do personal development work. Now I just feel blah and unmotivated. I feel like nothing. I feel like nothing means anything. I can't explain it. I just don't feel like doing anything anymore. I recently lost my virginity because I thought that was the next step of my development, to get better with girls and sex, but I literally felt nothing at all. Sure it was mildly pleasurable, but I felt no deep connection with the girl, which I thought I was in love with. It's bugging me because I don't no what to do now. I think I took the do nothing technique too far.

@WelcometoReality No, I wish. I have been meditating for almost 2 years now, but no big breakthrough yet. I just feel empty.

I feel like I can't relate to anyone my age. I'm 19 and it seems like the only thing people care about my age is partying, drinking, doing drugs, and other low conscious activities. Almost every conversation I have with someone ends up being repetitive and superficial. It's like I am having the same conversation over and over again with different people. No one seems to like talking deeply about things. For example, In class I feel left out because everyone is talking about different shows they watch like Bates Motel, and I am just sitting there having a culture shock in my own fucking culture! Thinking deeply is apparently to much to ask of these people. I feel like I am on a completely different wavelength then other people. Like I am an alien! I have no idea what I should do. This has resulted in me becoming isolated and with very few friends.

I've realized recently through lots of meditation and mindfulness that I have tons of fear that I have been repressing. My fears tend to be focused mainly in social situations. I fear expressing myself 100%. Like I am holding some parts of my self back, because of the fear of being perceived as weird. I would like to know if it is possible to completely eradicate this fear. As I wish to express myself 100% authentically in interactions. On a whim, one day I decided to put my fear to the test. Since I feared being seen as "weird", I decided to purposefully do something that was a bit "out there". I decided to go to the mall, in the crowded food court, and scream at the top of my lungs and just stand there and take it, with all the eyes on me. Let me tell you afterwards I felt extremely liberated, like I was invincible. Obviously doing that once didn't completely eliminate it, but I would like to know what other actions I could take, so that the fear is completely eliminated.

@Deep You are right. I need to get rid of this holier-than-thou attitude. I need to learn to live and let live.

I really want to go on a meditation retreat! I am just afraid that all the kundalini phenomenon that has been happening to me will disrupt other meditators, as I am sure screaming at the top of your lungs would be unacceptable in a retreat environment lol. Should I just do a retreat at home? Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I am currently HIGHLY motivated to deepen my meditation practice

This shit is so crazy lol. I have these urges to go into the forest and run on all fours and scream. It's like I am a tiger and it pleases my mind when I speak about these urges. It feels like it is the most "authentic" way to act in that moment. It produces a ton of euphoria. I also have been having fantasies of ravaging other people. I feel like a psychotic psychopath haha. Typing that sentence I noticed pleasure arising in my abdomen. Maybe I am a genuinely fucked up human being. I oddly don't feel concerned about any of this.

I have currently practiced both of those techniques for a year and a half now. It seems that either I am insane or I am having intense kundalini experiences because there are times when I am unable to behave appropriately. I feel like another entity is controlling my behavior. I wish I knew if I had a psychological disorder or not, I would rather it be the latter though.

@egoeimai Well it's more like I don't know if it's allowed. I don't want to be asked to leave. I would be going to a Goenka vipassana retreat, so I don't know if this behavior is common or not. I got kicked out of college for acting like that lol. I am just a little hesitant.

@Prabhaker Lol love the video. Sounds like the perfect environment for me.

Do you alternate days between doing the do-nothing technique and mindfulness with labeling? Or do you use both techniques in the same day?

Where is the best place? I am not going to college till the summer. Can a 19 year old gain access to bars and clubs?

I have been really confused lately. I am 19 years old and am having a really hard time deciding on what direction to take my life. I am really involved with my meditation practice at the moment and part of me wants to focus on my life purpose as well. I have no job currently and my parents are pressuring me into getting a job. Thing is I don’t want to work at a dead end job, but I understand that I need the money to support myself. Also another part of me wants to get involved in pickup and get better at relationships. A lot of people my age have already lost their virginity and I feel like I should get this out of the way now before I focus on my life purpose, but I have no idea. I’m trying to figure out what the wisest thing is to focus on. I keep running around in circles. I start something with one area of my life than quit and start on another area of my life. I can't decide what to do. Sometimes I wish I could just become a monk and say fuck it all. Any advice?