onacloudynight

@kieranperez I know how you feel. I am in the exact same boat. Although my desire for friends has basically almost disappeared. I still have a desire for intimate relationships though. Once you have raised your consciousness to a certain degree, most people simply aren't going to be able to understand where you are coming from, because they are no where near your level yet. If you want to make friends, start joining clubs, go to yoga classes, talk to random people on the street, go to coffee shops, talk to employees at a store, talk to your neighbors etc. People are everywhere! It really isn't that hard to make friends. Just talk to people everywhere you go. The whole world is your friend! Just realize that no human being will ever fulfill you.

I had this thought come to me while I was on acid. It felt like I was too aware of everything. I legitimately wanted to go back to sleep and become unconscious again. I feel like this now as well. I can't enjoy normal things that people do. Things like TV and video games do not hold my interest anymore. I just don't understand how normal people can enjoy these things. Also I seem to have no desire to pursue women anymore. There was a girl that I liked and instead of trying to pursue her, I seemed to be content in the fact that she had a boyfriend. My car also got totaled and I have no desire to get it fixed. I am just like okay, whatever, I'll just walk now. It really feels like reality is testing me. Nothing seems to be effecting me anymore. It is quite laughable, really, that I can be in bliss even if my external circumstances are shit. I love meditation, but now there seems like there is nothing left for me to do.

Has any of this happened to you guys? People keep saying I look high all the time and they judge me because they think I do drugs. I don't. I just do a lot of meditation. Honestly, is this the state of society? We equate being in a really good mood to being on drugs? Because oh no, no human being can possibly be that happy normally. They must be on drugs.

Yeah, I used to do drugs in the past and people that knew my history still think I do drugs. But I get random people, who don't even know my past history say I look like I am high. One person said, "I want some of what you're having." I told him I just meditate and he just looked at me like I was insane. I think @cirkussmile was right. It just doesn't fit into peoples' perception of reality.

Day 7: Complete Alright the challenge has successfully been completed. My brain feels like Play-Doh. I learned that when you do a lot of meditation like this, you run into a shit ton of suffering. I feel like I successfully slapped my mind around, which should have solidified a bit more clarity and peace of mind. Also, I am not going to be able to continue meditating 3 hours a day. I think 2 hours a day will be good for me to continue long-term, without the risk of me burning out. As I meditate, I'll be updating this periodically if I run into anything interesting. Hope everyone is doing amazing. Peace! Much Love!

Lately, I have been more interested in meditating and deepening my understanding of reality, so I have decided to start a journal about my journey of raising my consciousness. Since I have the time and freedom, I've decided to start it off with a 7 day meditation challenge. Starting tomorrow, I will be meditating 3 hours everyday for 7 days. I plan to stick with it till the end and might continue past the 7 days if possible. This will not be a formal retreat, as I will still be reading and carrying on a relatively normal day, but I will try to maintain silence throughout the day and limit some of my activities. I'm looking forward to gain insights into myself and reality, which I will be sharing here. Catch ya tomorrow!

Day 6: Complete I am going through intense suffering. During my last sit, my whole body got very hot and started itching all over. If this stuff continues, I probably won't be able to continue past the 7 days. On the bright side though, I feel good now. It's starting to get predictable. Purging then peace, purging then peace. That's how it goes.

Day 5: Complete Today was easier. I am starting to build momentum and seem to be getting into a flow. I really want to continue past the 7 days. Everything feels peaceful and really relaxing. My awareness is getting sharper; I love it. This feels quite fulfilling. I have no reason to quit now.

Day 4: Complete Today was filled with intense emotional purging. There was a period during the day where I was overwhelmed with intense sadness. I was crying a lot. It actually felt pretty good. It feels like I am getting closer to finally being able to fully feel genuine emotions again. It's hard to explain, but I am just more aware of my emotions. They feel more pure. I didn't realize it was possible to feel emotions like this. I like it. I am becoming more authentic and clean. Also, my awareness seems to be skyrocketing. Right now I feel at peace. Earlier this week I felt this sort of manic high. Now I just feel really calm and peaceful. This is starting to feel like what meditation should be about. This is what monks must feel like, albeit probably to a deeper degree. This is crazy. I am just looking forward to see how deep this goes...

Day 3: Complete I feel really focused right now. I just finished a walking meditation session. During it, I was so focused on walking that I felt almost like a cat stalking its prey. Earlier today was filled with a lot of suffering. I almost thought I was going to give up. Good thing I am not a little bitch. You have to really see the benefits, if you are going to do lots of meditation like this. This stuff isn't easy. It literally feels like hell sometimes. It feels like torture. I had a thought that this is like someone getting a really hot piece of iron and singeing it on your skin. That is what it feels like sometimes. I am not giving up though! I refuse. There's nothing else more important than this. I don't care if I die in the process. I am finishing this!

Day 2: Complete Alright so today was a little bit tougher. I went through a lot of suffering today. I find that once I increase the time, I run into a lot more unpleasant sensations. The good news is that the more stuff I purge from my system, the more peaceful I become. I also have been dealing with a lot of sexual energy, which is part of the dark side of meditation. I seem to be hyper horny, which is really distracting while you are meditating. Oh well all is good, everything passes. Everything is impermanent. Let's see how tomorrow goes...

Day 1: Complete Today was pretty smooth sailing. A lot of stuff happened today. For one, during one my meditation sessions, I had an overwhelming feeling of sexual energy come over me. By focusing on this energy, I was able to increase it until it felt like I was having a Full body orgasm, which was pretty pleasant. Who needs women if you can give yourself an orgasm with your mind. Only joking.... I am started to feel invincible. Most things simply can't touch me, there are a couple of weak points here and there, but as I start to meditate more, these weak points are gradually fading away. I feel like I am gaining so much more awareness. It just baffles my mind that so much more is even possible, when I already feel so much bliss and peace throughout my day. Looking forward to tomorrow!

My schedule for this week: 2x50min of Mindfulness Meditation 3x20min of Concentration 1x20min of Walking Meditation.

@Anirban657 I have had several "psychotic episodes" throughout my meditation journey. Treat psychosis as an object of investigation. Be very open and curious about what is happening to you while in a psychotic state. Try to enjoy it. Be masochistic. Don't let your mind tell you that it is wrong to be "crazy." Be loving and accepting towards your psychotic self.

Or is meditation sufficient? I have been meditating for 2 years now for about 1-2 hours a day. I was wondering if that is enough or if I need to replace an hour with self-inquiry or add an hour to my schedule.

Back in the day I used to do a lot of psychedelics. It was before I even heard about Leo's channel. I really enjoyed the altered states of consciousness it gave me and I always wondered if there was any way I could get to those states normally. When I heard about meditation through watching Leo's videos, I intuitively knew that if I started meditating that I would be able to tap into those states. That is why I started. Probably not a good reason, but it got me into it nonetheless.

But is it possible to realize your true nature with just meditation alone?

Yeah, I don't know what's going on to be honest. It is like my motivation to meditate just dropped all of a sudden.

Good question. I would stop distracting myself with excessive internet usage and music consumption. What is funny is that I was doing good, but I guess I just had a big backslide. I oddly am not that concerned about it.

My idea of the mind is a collection of thoughts. I believe definitions and beliefs come out of emptiness.

I have no idea. Probably my ego just acting up, but it feels like I am exerting too much energy. I feel drained.

@Nahm I would say I am getting connected to being through meditation. Right now my meditations have felt really good, but sometimes during some sessions it feels like hell to sit there for just 30 minutes when weeks ago I could sit 1 hour no problem.

@ajasatya Let's see logically I know that there is no-self, but honestly I would say that the mind practices it?

Well I eventually want to get enlightened. I guess I'm not in a hurry per se, but I didn't know if Self-inquiry is a faster method. I really enjoy just meditating.

So i'm guessing not?