"How your relationship with your wife works? (Emotionally/Sexually)"
It works exactly the same way as any husband and wife but that depends on the individuals in any relationship and their level of maturity, respect and self-awareness.
Physically it is the same with the exception that erection doesn't occur naturally and there is no possibility of pregnancy for us. ( there are plenty of men who experience the same exceptions and receive similar treatments to try and remedy this). I feel the tingling sensation prior to an erection so I know when it is happening. I have full erogenous sensation in my penis and I orgasm from that stimulation 'I assume' the same way any man would feel it (to be honest, I would not know what that is according to a male or a female specifically, all I can experience is my own sensations. Other than the descriptions we offer one another, there is no way to know you are truly feeling what another man feels in the same way).
I have a semi-rigid erectile implant. I used to have an inflatable implant to mimic the process of an erection but the implant was prone to breaking. I did not want to keep having surgeries to replace it each time it broke. It's not perfect and it never will be but there is ongoing development happening with implants and also stem cell tissue/structure growth for men who have had amputation/cancers or underdevelopment ( I doubt this will be perfected in my lifetime ) I don't put so much importance into only one aspect of my life. if I were to focus intently on that as a defining factor of my identity, I would slump into a depression. I am more than just a penis, I am an entire experience of ones self relative to others. My own personal experience goes beyond the concept of a 'man' and can become confusing to the reader owing to my discrepency between the normal cultural concepts and experience of a trans person and pushing beyond that with consciousness work where the idea of a man and the underlying biology collapses altogether.
"Do you feel desire for her as a man/woman? "
Desire is something that I would have felt in my formative years. Something I would describe as being an inexperienced teenage boy influenced by porn, role models, and cultural expectations of what it means to be a man and I found that in hindsight to be damaging. When I brought those expectations into a relationship, I found myself imposing it on both myself and her and getting angry and hurt when she didn't react the way I expected her to. While desire is necessary for experience in life, it is ultimately unquenchable and selfish. Before that realization, I was trying to manipulate everything to conform to my own 'conditioned' expectations of reality and getting frustrated when that didn't happen. When I started doing my consciousness work, my desire to satisfy myself in a relationship eventually disappeared and was replaced with unconditional love. She does not need to do or be anything for me to love her. I accept her as she is and importantly I also extend the same acceptance to myself. Once I found satisfaction from within my own being, I found that I could extend that outward to anyone and anything giving me a sense of peace and contentment.
I do not desire her as a man or a woman. I love her as consciousness.
If I were a dimly aware human I would desire her as a man.
I could not desire her as a woman as I have never experienced being a woman.
As I had never been with anyone before my wife, I have no comparison to offer. However, my wife was with others before me and she says that when she met me, there was no difference between me and any sexually frustrated, immature teenage boy. She said the way that I thought and behaved was indistinguishable from any typical expectation of a man. When she slept with me she said there was no difference. But she said there was a distinct change when I started doing consciousness work. As I became more aware of my own damaging behaviors and the thought processes, I began to tear myself apart and rebuild myself. essentially having a complete personality change which upset her at first but realized I had become more respectful, compassionate, and understanding... but above all the biggest change was my own personal confidence, honesty and integrity. This was very attractive for her. She now says I'm more of a man than anyone she's ever been with and its not because of my penis. it's because of my behavior.
Sex is not the foundation of our relationship nor does it determine a fault in me if she doesn't desire me rather it is something that naturally occurs out of our mutual love for one another( not human love/desire but unconditional love). When that love reaches a stage where we bond and both our 'selfs' melt away, we become one being experiencing itself in ecstatic bliss. She says she has never experienced this before now (of course she's biased but this is significant as she has had difficult sexual experiences in the past and a problem with intimacy as a result of her upbringing. She was not abused in any way rather it was a lack of physical embrace and support from her parents that left her with a long-lasting claustrophobia in intimate circumstances. This is now gone owing to the work I put into myself and has allowed her the space to open up and grow into her own sexuality). you cannot force someone to carry out your expectations. you have to accept them as they are and allow them to be. That is actual love. That space made her feel safe and unpressured and allowed her to heal herself. our relationship has grown stronger 10 fold.
she did not marry me because I was a man or a woman but because I was now living as 'genuinely' me.
"Sorry if I’m being extremely naive, but I really don’t know how your direct experience works."
Don't apologize. There is nothing wrong with questions to gain knowledge and understanding. A person who takes offense to a question still has work to do on themselves.
