TheCloud

I don't want you to die, and I don't think you really want to die. You're still a child inside, living under the thumb of a perverse authority. You never even got to grow up, so it can't be alright for you to die already. The images installed in your mind that haunt you, particularly of the feminine/maternal and masculine/paternal, aren't real or permanent. Even though it's been repressed, ignored, or denied, there's still something beautiful inside you. It's something more important than your life, but it's also something that can make it important for you to go on living. If that's how you feel, I highly recommend Ayn Rand's "The Fountainhead" to you if you haven't read it. There are certainly parts to contest with or grow past in her philosophy, but I know of no greater treatise on virtuous selfishness.

Rather than eradicating the sense of self and other, I think it's more like embracing both equally without barriers. On the contrary, what I suspect is that the harder the division that remains between the two, more that one side seeks to exclude and eradicate the influence of the other. The determination to ignore internal matters (which is more often the case in people who show lower levels of awareness or consciousness), and the determination to be driven exclusively by internal matters (which I think is more common among people who are just discovering how to expand their consciousness or awareness), will both inevitably run into irresolvable issues. I do agree that there is a difference in how we experience ourself compared to others. It's not as if dissolving a psychological barrier will make it possible to literally experience being another person while also being yourself. I just think that we're fooled by the fact that we can't see through one another's eyes into believing that the conceptual division between ourselves and others is also something factual. It can't be helped if none of this connects to your experience, though. I don't think I know enough about you to give a more practical explanation of what I'm aiming to explain. If you haven't hit your limit in perfecting your internal self, there might not even be a reason for you to care. I agree that the sense of division between self and other, such as in your given example of sexual attraction, can be a source of pleasure or excitement. My goal is to perceive the truth more clearly, not to obscure it in favor of simplistic ideals or pet theories. The truth is that our experience of our own actions is vastly different from our experience of other's actions, in ways that can't simply be said to be bad or good. Embracing those differences is, I believe, a part of my pursuit of the truth. I've not had an experience quite like that, where there was a sudden and permanent shift. It sounds rather extraordinary. I do understand that epiphanies of any kind require an adjustment period, where old habits and thought patterns are questioned and modified and discarded. My epiphanies have been slower processes than yours, with adjustment periods measuring in years. I am curious as to how what you're describing might relate to what I've been discussing; it certainly sounds as if there could be a connection, especially where you describe your sense of self as having become unbound to your mind and its fixed patterns. I get the feeling that you're not quite used to it yet, and are exploring new ways of describing what you've experienced. I'm not really interested in pushing some kind of unity agenda. I mostly brought it up to get a clearer idea of where you're at and what kind of experience you're having to have started this thread. Of course, I do believe in what I'm saying, it's only that I don't particularly care whether you end up believing it as well.

If it's because you feel restless, try doing some squats. If I spend too much time physically inactive, my legs get restless and twitchy; if I do enough squats, the feeling goes away. If it's a psychological tick in your case, though, this method might not work.

@Sugarcoat Another way to define external and internal as I'm using it is "others" and "self". Ultimately the difference between the two is arbitrary. When a neuron on the left side of my brain communicates with one on the right side through ion channel impulses we call that my self, and when a neuron in my brain communicates with a neuron in your brain through text over the internet we call that communicating with others. However, setting aside differences in the speed, bandwidth, and fidelity of the signal, the fact of neurons communicating is identical. The neuron itself doesn't know the difference; it just sends and receives according to its nature. I think that the ultimate perspective is to erase the imagined difference, to perceive others as our self and our self as others. That doesn't mean that our processes of communication between your neurons and mine will change, and it probably won't change how some people are more externally active and some more internally contemplative, but I believe the difference in how we regard each other and ourselves would be substantial. I'm not claiming to have achieved this state of unity, I only believe that it is possible and worthy of achieving.

Rather than shifting external awareness to internal awareness, I consider it more fruitful to harmonize and unify both awarenesses into a single whole. The inside cannot be truly independent of the outside. The inside circumstances and the outside are inextricably bound, and frankly, the attempts to deny the outside in favor of the inside are as unproductive as efforts to perfect the inside through the outside. So, I think I have to disagree with you. Or have I misunderstood?

@Hibahere The first thought I have is that you need to take care of yourself. Are you eating regularly, and drinking enough water? Are you sleeping properly? Do you move your body every day, at least going for a walk if not exercise or sports? Doing these things properly is not a panacea that will resolve your deep emotional issues, but if you're starving, dehydrated, exhausted, and immobile, your resources to confront your deeper issues will be depleted. This will send you in a downward spiral that could be stalled just by eating a proper meal and taking a walk. If you're taking good care of yourself, then that's good, but if you're not, then my suggestion is that you start there. Your emotional problems are things that you can solve, if you give yourself the resources to do so.

@k-ahmadzadeh When I'm stuck in my head and my thoughts are going in unproductive circles, I find it to be universally necessary to consider my emotions and relationships, which are very easy to ignore when I'm in that state. One of my guiding principles is that thoughts are how we live, emotions are why we keep living, and relationships are what directly or indirectly dictate our emotions. Do you have troubling relationships, particularly but not exclusively with formative authority figures? Is your resentment and hatred a transformation of a deeper emotional pain you don't want to admit? It's difficult to admit, particularly for men, that our feelings are hurt. It's much easier and more "masculine" to be hateful and vengeful. You won't get where you want by dismissing your past and ignoring your deeper emotions.

How is it affecting your relationship with your partner, and your memories of your father?

@Buck Edwards It could be. It's a self-made technique, but I'm sure it formally exists somewhere with a name and a history.

Whenever there is a part of me that is intractable, I try to have a conversation with it, to find out what that part of me is feeling and thinking and ultimately to reunite that part into my whole. It could go something like this; You (y): Hey, Chest Pressure, I wonder if it's possible that you could let us breath. Chest Pressure (cp): It's impossible, breathing is too dangerous. y: That's ridiculous. cp: Yeah, you're right. I still don't want to do it. y: Why are you being stubborn? cp: Because I don't like you. y: What did I do? cp: Nothing. You never did anything for me, just leaving me alone with this job to keep us all safe. y: It sounds like I made a mistake. cp: You sure did. y: Can I fix it or make up for it? We both know that it's best for both of us if we resolve our differences. cp: I guess I'd like that. I don't know how it's done, though. It could also go quite differently from that, but I think I've illustrated the gist of it. It's as simple as talking to yourself, except you're taking two different sides and trying to bring them into agreement. It's an effective way of getting in touch with parts of yourself that have been sealed off.

You can start by learning how to resolve your own adverse emotions. You feel frustrated because you're in pain and don't know how to resolve it. You're in pain possibly out of loneliness, because your need for companionship and understanding and reconciliation is being rejected or objected to. Before you can properly respond to your external situation, you have to come to terms with your internal one, which is a situation of emotions and needs. If you are unclear on, or in conflict with, your internal situation, your external situation will never come to make sense.

Do you know who "they" are? There's another thread recently posted, about a guy who was born with a deformity that required extensive and painful treatment, and who also lost a parent at a young age. He didn't do anything to deserve this, and in fact, nobody had any intention to cause him suffering. Nevertheless, he went through painful and traumatic experiences comparable to what you're describing. This forum is on a site called actualized.org. It's about how you can actualize yourself regardless of your circumstances. I can't imagine the suffering you're going through, but I do think that even in the situation you describe, you still have the opportunity to continue raising the level of your consciousness. Don't allow circumstances created by malice or misfortune to deprive you of that. Even if you can't adhere to a perfect diet, and even if someone is listening to you while you shit, you can still self-actualize. You can always do better in understanding others and yourself. But, I can understand that it's hard.

Failure is part of the deal when resolving differences with other people. Did you think it was easy to change someone's mind? Succeeding every time is an impossible standard to maintain. Give yourself some leeway. Do try to avoid absolute declarative statements. The lesson you're learning, that not everybody wants amends, sounds like a worthy one. But telling yourself that you're dealing with people who have NO interest in peace could be taking it too far. The situation is probably more complex than that. It could be that they have no understanding of peace, rather than no interest. Maybe they feel safer when they're on the offensive and don't dare let there be peace. Maybe they learned bad habits from someone who took care of them. Putting a simple label on the situation and dismissing it is a regressive act that will hinder your competence in understanding the situations you find yourself in. That said, your current internal situation actually might be fairly simple; your feelings are hurt. You reached out, and instead of finding good faith, you found bad. Now that pain is transforming to anger and fury, but at the beginning, it's just pain. If it were me, I'd have to get over the humiliation of having been sincerely hurt by such simple ignorance (bear in mind that humiliation is not an emotion, it's a judgement of a situation being humiliating. The base word of humiliation is humility.). It's difficult to admit pain when it means admitting to being the loser in an exchange with someone whose ability you don't respect. If you're anything like me, then that's something you have to do going forward, is admit weakness. Admit to having failed and been hurt by a low-consciousness opponent. It's something to get used to now, because you will always have a chance of failure when it comes to changing peoples' minds. It's not an issue you can solve just by being wise or experienced.

@oldhandle I don't think you have to find a LOT of value in your past experiences. You don't have to find enough to justify them or make them make sense. Just find something. I think the point is to be ABLE to find a positive lesson in it, even if it's awful and traumatic. It's for you to be stronger than the things that happen outside your will.

You mention a hospital. Are you unwell? I like cats as well. Can you name some of the crimes that have been or are being committed against you? Have you been injured?

It's one thing to be having a hard time, but it must also be very lonely for you if you can't even talk about it.

What kinds of things are happening to you?

I appreciate your high evaluation! I don't know the particulars of your situation, but I truly hope that it isn't actually hell, and that there is some beauty and peace for you. It can't be totally bad if you have cake and internet, right?

This kind of situation can be largely attributed to the lack of consciousness in the people involved; in a more actualized environment, it would be obvious for you to talk to your sisters, and for your sisters to talk to your cousin. It's only because everyone is half-asleep that things got like this. It's actually good for something shocking but ultimately benign like this to shake things up. Anyone who goes back to sleep after being shaken like this is depriving themselves.

One piece of advice I have that will always apply is; always put people ahead of your ideologies. It's great if you have a vision of right and wrong that you want to live by, but not everyone can or wants to understand that vision. That vision is something for you to enforce on yourself, not on others. In this case, you took what your sisters thought was private and made it public. You didn't consult your sisters first, and give them a chance to choose to come clean. You tried to be honest, which is virtuous, but you denied the opportunity of honesty to your sisters. I presume you did this because it was easy to tell your cousin the truth, but hard to get your sisters to tell your cousin the truth. Probably so hard that you didn't even consider it. Our instincts can trick us that way, turning us unawares from what's right to what's easy. If you need something to apologize for, I think that would be it. I don't think it would violate your ideals to admit you should have talked to your sisters first.

If I may presume, those high expectations and standards aren't yours. Any goal where you can fail and be looked down on for it isn't yours; it belongs to the haters and the name-callers. Real greatness doesn't come from success, it comes from a higher consciousness, which is something haters know nothing about.

Who do you trust?

Who says that you are supposed to go to hell? If someone says that you won't go to hell, will you believe them?

Yeah, any medication or doctor's advice takes precedence over what I say. I'm not an expert, I'm just relaying the information I use to guide my own diet.

Awesome! I don't know if it helps, but the naming part can be fun. The next step requires some negotiation skills. The disintegrated parts of you generally have singular goals that they will pursue to the extreme and at any cost to the rest of you. It's not that they're malicious, it's just that they've been alone and therefore have had no reason to learn how to co-exist. Your purpose is to convince them to come to the table with all the other parts of yourself, and consider their overall impact. If they know they'll have a turn to speak at the table and that they'll be listened to by the rest of you, they'll eventually be socialized to healthy co-existence. As they integrate, with time the difference between them and you will disappear and you'll unite as a single entity with a singular will, all the stronger for having united. Something to remember is that no part of yourself has privileged information; every part of yourself is you, knowing everything you know and knowing nothing that you don't know. So if you don't know why the Exiled Child was exiled, neither does the Exiled Child. That's something you'll have to figure out together. Another thing is that not all parts of you will join the table. Some will realize that they are inessential, and fade away. No part is so malicious that it will remain while knowing that it has no place in you. I believe it will never be necessary to go beyond negotiation to "kill" a part of yourself. Conversations aren't limited to two sides. If you're not getting anywhere with two of you, sometimes it helps to bring in a third persona, to mediate or add a new perspective. You can divide yourself up as many times as you can keep track of the parts. I'm glad you're finding the technique useful. If you want, please keep updating if you make progress.