Spiritual Warrior

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #166 ~ Mon Jun 22 '26 I am back working full time now. I am starting to question just about everything that I am doing with my life right now. I like a girl again, the same girl.. she doesn't like me back.. This whole saga fills me with negative emotions, at the same time, I want to be with her for the rest of my life, I want to end up with her. Can I just manifest that and let go? Does it work like that? Right now though, I wish I could get her out of my head, every time I see her, its nice until she leaves and then I'm sad and thinking about her all the time, longing for her, yearning for her. Its the yearning really, thats whats painful. Its the lack of having what you want. And since its a physical person, there is so much emotional charge to it. Its not an an object, its another organism that makes you feel things. Anyways, sometimes I really just want to forget about her, completely forget. And maybe thats exactly what you need. I mean do you even want a girlfriend? I don't know. Theres a lot that I don't know and it starts by taking a good hard look at the things going on in my life and what I want. Unfortunately, I don't have much time to set things up today because I am going into work at 1 o'clock today (This is my first week back). You know what, I think I do want to date somebody.. I just don't really feel like going through all of the trouble, but I certainly could. This is the time for it. And it would probably get my mind off of this other girl that doesn't like me like that. I honestly get annoyed with all of the yearning for a female in my life. I'd much rather meditate and work on becoming enlightened, but here we are, I am a heterosexual man after all and I haven't had intimacy since November of last year. I am a unique male in that I go long periods without intimacy. I don't express my attraction towards women in a smooth way I don't think and I don't handle rejection very well. This is a recipe for not getting laid very often. I'd like to focus on the man that I am going to become. Do not direct your thoughts onto one human, direct your thoughts onto whats in your future, what are you building, what incredible insight are you going to have today. How clear headed can you be? This girl, at least right now, is a total distraction to your spiritual pursuits. I have been looking into the "nine stages of ego development" and I would say that I am at times at the Expert phase but at times at the achiever. The expert wants to master something, he wants to be unique in some way, he wants accolades, he wants success in that field. Quite frankly, I have not maximized that out here at Arthur Murray, I have much more to work on there. The idea here though is you have to eventually transition into the achiever stage in which you are thinking more about the impact that you are having on the world. You take your career trajectory more seriously. Really though, I just want to experience deep insights about reality. And then I can share those insights with the world. Dancing is fun and all but there is a lot more to it than dancing, I have to choreography and perform, (which I do enjoy) and I have to plan things out and deal with lots of emotional turmoil when dealing with other instructors. I am confused as to what to do and honestly I just want time to myself to figure it out. But I have to create this thing for Pam, which maps out her future here for the rest of the year. And if I don't do it now, I'm not sure when I will. I want a break. I want a break from everything so that I can just chill by myself. But you had that for 8 weeks, did you not?

Habits and Disciplines Journal Entry #1 Okay, it is 10.29.25 and I have realized that I have no discipline in my life which is setting me back from accomplishing my goals. Listed below are the habits that I would like to integrate as well as the reason for doing so: 1.Read when I get home (no electronics) this is for the purpose of having better sleep. I also have a larger vision of being very well educated, which starts with reading lots of books. Just a little bit every night will go a long ways 2.No sexual stimulation from internet No sexual stimulation from the internet. I see no benefit in watching porn, I have a history of being addicted to it and have therefore had struggles having an erection with a real woman, this is a no brainer. Stop with this nonsense. 3.Workout at gym 3 days a week Workout at the gym 3 days a week. I want to get really fuckin hot, like really fuckin hot. And the best way to do this as a man is to hit the gym and do it in a strategic and intelligent way. I am going to go 3 days a week, I am going to work out my chest on Monday at 11am - 12pm, this will be barbell bench press, dumbbell incline press, and that one with the cable that stretches your chest, it is going to be 4 sets and the first set is a warm up, so 3 real sets. Next is legs, I would like to use the angled leg Press, 4 sets, then the leg extensions, 4 sets, then use a calf machine, 4 sets again, next is back and arms. I want to start doing deadlifts again, I love deadlifts, then a barbell row and then a dumbell row, I really want to get my back jacked for dance. 4 sets of each again and this will be the workout routine for 3 months. Then I will have a de load week, in which I take the whole week off from weight training and I reevaluate how far I've come. I will also need to measure how much protein and carbs and calories that I am in taking and also weight myself on a daily basis so that I can track my progress 4.No ejaculating for 3 years No ejaculating for 3 years. This has to do with my goal of having sexual abundance in my life. I want to have sex with real woman, not with my own hand. Not ejaculating also gives me more energy to shift my focus into other things in life, such as having a bigger impact on people, reading books, meditating and overall being a healthier human that people look up to. I lead with integrity. 5. Approach and hit on 10 women every week for 1 year Approach and hit on 10 women every week, which would equate to 500 women on the year. This would be a great milestone for me and it would make me very proud. This coincides with the goal of wanting to have sexual abundance in my life. I want lots of sex with lots of women. That is what I genuinely want. I don't want to fake that anymore, I want this and therefore I will have it. Thank you God for allowing me to have an abundance of sex with an abundance of women. - Half time: as you can see, we already have an interrelated system at work, the no ejaculation goal supports the hitting on 10 women every week because not ejaculating will give me more motivation and energy and time to hit on several women a week, on the flip side if I hit on 10 women every week, watching porn and ejaculating becomes a lot less appealing, both cogs in the system are supporting each other. Nice job there. - 6. Eat 150 g of protein every single day I have learned that eating a lot of protein is imperative to building lots of muscle. I want to build lots of muscle in order to become the sexiest man I can be. This is required, therefore I have to eat enough protein. 7. Meditate every morning for 30 minutes moving past physical attractiveness, I want to be attractive in a sense that I am magnetic as a human being, people want to be around me, and I also want to be able to stay present and within the moment both for dance and also for the people around me, such as students and friends and family and co workers. The more I meditate, the higher my consciousness grows, and the more I understand the truth of reality, the more I am able to make an impact on the world. Overall, this is mainly for better mood and mental clarity, the motivation is NOT towards enlightenment, although I predict that is what it will turn into 8. Wake up at 7:30 am every day this challenge has two benefits: 1. It is going to build self discipline and character, and 2. I have to wake up that early in order to get everything done that I want to ( I've already mapped out my schedule accordingly) 9. Brush teeth morning and night this is also building self discipline and it is also for the betterment of my hygienic and overall health and well being. I am also a dance instructor, I work very close to people, therefore it is imperative that I have fresh breath. I may even want to pick up a toothbrush and toothpaste and keep it at the dance studio. 10. Floss teeth every morning another habit for self discipline and overall wellbeing 11. Shower and groom hair every morning this is similar to the last two, it is building character to stick to a habit. The main thing that I'm trying to do with this morning routine is that there are no grey areas here - no - I wake up at 7:30 am, I brush my teeth and floss, then I take a shower, then I groom my hair and beard, then I go downstairs and meditate for 30 minutes on the floor, then I do my push ups and pull ups, which is the next thing on this list and there is no wiggle room, there is no being wishy washy, no I am doing this every fucking day, I don't care if I get kidnapped and wake up in Antarctica, no - I am going to follow the same routine no matter what. Fuck variety - life is chock full of surprises, a routine keeps you grounded and focused and stable - this is the true masculine power - to have the self discipline to stick to this routine 12. Do 3 sets of push ups and 3 sets of pull ups every morning again, this is self discipline and it will also have a cumulative effect in turning me into a sexy, attractive man. I am going to make these things happen every single day like clock work. There are no excuses. It is time to start living with integrity and purpose and direction. This is the desire that I have been suppressing and distracting my self from with spiritual pursuits. I don’t really want to be enlightened, at least not yet. I have been using enlightenment as a distraction for many years because hitting on women and developing discipline in life is scarier and more uncomfortable to me than reading spiritual books and meditating. If I do these things, I will become the quintessential model of healthy masculinity. And this is what I truly want. I want to maximize my masculine energy to its absolute full potential. Then once I hit that peak, I will move into something more selfless, such as spiritual enlightenment, or whatever else I want to pursue. I am going to need a checklist that I have to check off every single day. This needs to be made public so that I can feel the embarrassment of missing a day. I want to do this on actualized.org, my favorite forum. Thank you God for allowing me to become aware of my authentic desire of being a vessel of healthy masculinity in this world. Thank you God for allowing me to create sexual abundance in my life. Thank you God for allowing me to create a life filled with love, laughter, joy, purpose, and gratitude. Listed below is my checklist for the first two days of my challenge. 10.31.25 Morning routine goals: Brush teeth Floss Shower Groom hair Eat breakfast Meditate Work out Night time routine goals: Brush teeth Wash face No electronics before bed "Whole day" goals: No porn No ejaculation Eat 150 g of protein Weekly Goals: Weight lift 3 days a week Approach 10 women I did a good job on everything except for no electronics before bed and eating 150 g of protein. I was on my phone before going to sleep and I am going to have to figure out how to incorporate 150 g of protein into my diet. The weekly goals are going to be assessed at the end of the week on Sunday. I am going to actually keep a counter of how many girls I have approached. I would also like to create a counter so that I can keep track of how many days I consecutively stuck to my habit. The higher the number, the more fulfilled I will feel.

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #165 ~ Sat Jun 20 '26 This journal needs to come back and I know it. Its great and all that I'm getting into all of these spiritual things, its awesome and I've gotten so much growth, I can see it and feel it. But now I'm back in the real world and Ben wants things in this life, he's not content just sitting and meditating all hours of the day, he has material desires, and you're going to have to allow him to pursue and fulfill on these desires. In a perfect world, everything is set up. My whole week is set. I know exactly what I'm doing, when and I'm doing what and I don't have any vices that I succumb to. I want to have a handle on my schedule so that it frees my time up to become spiritually enlightened and well educated, which are really my two greatest goals in this life. Besides that, I want a shredded physique, I want to become a world class dancer, I want to have a nice house that I can relax in but also entertain, and I want sexual experiences. That's basically it. My job now is to set my life up so that I am moving towards these goals and holding myself accountable so that I actually move towards them. women On a side note, I work with a lot of women. This is a good thing in a sense, it allows me to understand them better. But some of these girls drive me absolutely crazy. Now, the cool thing is that I am going to get hotter and hotter, I will become more and more desirable to these women the further I move down this personal development path. My strategy to attract them is to truly let go and just work on myself. I don't want to use porn anymore, really I don't. It would feel SOOOO good if I can knock this habit. I've had some breakthroughs too that should make this easier, I can now pleasure myself without any stimulation. I can just thing of some girls in my life and thats enough to get me aroused. I want to explore what life is like without any porn and I know I can do it. And I REALLY fuckin' want to. Objective: No more porn - lets count how many days in a row I can do. Then, at the end of every month, I will take into account how many days out of the month I was able to go without porn. This will be documented in a Google Sheet as well as on here. I like the format on here when it comes to daily tasks. Waking up on time I don't really see the need to wake up at the same time every day anymore. Maybe I'll change my mind about this, but every day is different and as a dancer, sometimes you are working on something into the late hours of the night. In those situations, I want to be able to sleep in the next day in order to recharge. Objective: None Shredded physique More than anything I want an absolutely shredded physique. I want to be hot as fuck. I also want to dress well and to have sexy tattoos. I want to turn heads when I walk into a room or roam around on the street. This requires me to stick to a meal plan, track my calories, and workout multiple times a week, which all sounds rather overwhelming, but with enough clarity and focus, I know that I can do it. Now, I'm honestly already feeling overwhelmed and I haven't even started keeping track of things. I'm going to bring my computer with me today, this weekend is going to be about getting my life set up so that I can be a better person for other people, I can be clear headed, and most importantly so that I can discover whats True. How am I going to hold myself accountable so that I fulfill on my dreams to have a killer physique? I know that I have to track my macros and to have a meal plan that I follow through on. I will need to cook for myself on Sunday and Thursday of every week, correct? Yes. I've had success doing that from time to time. My phone addiction I love to distract myself with my phone. I love to just lay down on my bed like a slurch and scroll on whatever app I've been using lately. This is detrimental to my ability to think clearly, ot my posture and to my discipline. I really want to cut this out. Remember, you have a big vision for your life and it goes way beyond becoming spiritually enlightened, yes thats important, but you also have many things that you want with this dream character that frankly haven't been actualized yet. And you will, these things require development over a long time horizon so just keep at it and things will fall into place and then you'll have new desires to fulfill. Work I am starting to look at my job as just a way to make money honestly. I'm not saying that I'm going to be crass and manipulate people for money, quite the oppositre actually, I'm just saying that I will be focusing my intentions on strategically getting ahead so that I can stack my money and but the things that I want. Where I went wrong in the past is I was paying for lots of dance coachings and travel to do competitions with a professional dance partner. This was fun and I don't regret it but I really don't care about that anymore and I only want to compete if it makes sense to my pocket book. The main objective with my work is to get paid and to do this with integrity is also of the utmost importance. I don't think I need to track my integrity however, I feel like through my educational process and spiritual/ personal growth, this will come naturally as I will continue to look at my student base and the dance studio as a system that I can help mold and lift up. This is stage yellow / tier two spiral dynamics thinking which I am getting closer and cloer to. Side note: Sometimes when I write on here, I am highlighting the very positive aspects of my life. It s a good thing to view yourself in a positive way. But you have to understand that I still have A LOT of vices that I fall into so don't mistake me for this holier than thou person, I'm just like you, trying to figure it out and I'm very flawed. But I have worked on myself a lot, and I'm not settling for a mediocre life, I know that for a fact and that heightens my value and motivates me. A big objective I have in my life is to just be completely non-needy, completely independent, so that I don't have to leech off of anyone (at least in an emotional sense) and I can just focus on providing value to as many people as I can. Whats going on right this second: its 11:14 AM - I have to meet some people at 12 pm to talk about their wedding dance. I need a notebook and a pen and I have to shower - lets get started on that now.

This was a profound insight for me as well. It's such a simple concept, but I never wrapped my head around this when I was young and naive.

Pretty much sums it up right there. Nice simple yet effective example ^

Find out the Truth for yourself and by yourself. Parroting others will never work, these are beliefs which are inherently false.

Hold onto me. Cuz I'm a little unsteady.... A little unsteady. My name's Ben and I'm a little unsteady. But this is a persona I'm putting on. It's a mood that I'm attached to right now. My mood shifts day by day, moment by moment. Any mood that you succumb to now will vanish in an instant. There's nothing real about your self image or your mood or how you feel about yourself, it's all fleeting, it will all vanish and it will all pass. So let go. Let go so that you can be with God. Die. Fuckin die. There's nothing wrong with that. Pass your life on so that another can live. The irony here is that we are all fighting to survive when in reality, none of it really matters. Sure, if I die people will be sad, but guess what, I will have finally merged with the Oneness that is within us all. Dieing is the ultimate letting go, it is the ultimate transcendence, it is the ultimate sacrifice. But my ego is well aware of what I am trying to do here and it is fighting tooth and nail to make sure that I don't find out the Truth. That is what makes this work so hard, I have an enemy inside of my own head that is fighting me at every turn. What is it that I'm holding onto? What is it that I want out of this dream state? What is it that's keeping me here? I could fly away out into the unknown but my wings are failing me. The truth is I like things here, I like the way things look, I enjoy feeling a certain way. I enjoy the presence of the feminine. I also have a craving to create. So I'm not done here. It's just difficult to work on anything when you know it's not real. It's a fuckin' dream... But does that mean I shouldn't live in the dream. The funny thing is, there's really no way out of the dream. You will continue dreaming, you're just aware now that you are dreaming, which makes it feel pointless, as if nothing really matters. And of course, nothing does matter.... But the feeling of an orgasm is still pleasurable. That burning feeling when you work out... You still feel that, that is a sensation coursing through your body that feels good. The fulfillment of winning a dance competition after all of that hard work, that is a real feeling. Just because you're dreaming doesn't mean that it's not real. It's real in a dream sense. So just enjoy it. Set your life up to enjoy the dream as much as possible. And for the love of God stop parroting how other people live. Live how YOU would like to live.

I am so low energy right now. And insecure. . No one is really here to experience it Just let go of your ego it's not that hard It is hard though, explain how to do it Youre not open to it right now, Yes I am give it to me You would shit yourself Remember when you peed yourself in a car? I am going to overcome anything and everything in my life. My family is going to be glorious But at the same time I don't care what happens Because it's not me doing it And guess what? I don't want kids for a while. I'm not scared I just want Truth before making any big decisions. So I have to let go of the ego. I have to deal with this shit. But I hate being low energy I want to go home in order to restore. But I can't. I have to go move into Ilkers. How about we leave at 10 pm. As you can see I'm having a mental crisis. I do not feel. Anything. They're not my feelings. I just exist. I am beyond the material. I am eternal. I am God. I am existence. I am awareness. I am everything but nothing at the same time. I control my own destiny. Ive never felt such distain for the obvious or thinking that things are obvious.

This is my first honest attempt at doing spiritual autolysis. This is a method to attaining truth- realization coined by Jed McKenna. "Autolysis" means self-digestion, and "Spiritual" means the level of self that encompasses the mental, physical and emotional aspects. All you really have to do is write the truth. Just write down what you know is true, or what you think is true, and just keeping writing, until you come up with something that is true. Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #1 - Wed Apr 19 '23 - 8:28 AM Lower self: I am a human being. My name is Ben. I know that I am a human being because I was told that I am a human being from my schooling and my parents and everyone else within society. I am told that we as human beings have evolved from chimpanzees or bonobos. Higher self: Okay... do you have any direct experience of yourself as being a human being? Lower self: No... this is just what I have been told. Higher self: Okay... then how do you know that it is true? Lower self: Well... I don't. I am just trusting what other people have told me. Higher self: Okay, then we agree that you do not know for a fact that you are a human being? Lower self: Yes. I agree... My name is Ben though. I was given this name from my parents when I first came out of the womb. Higher self: Have you ever experienced what it means to be Ben? Lower self: Well... I have a bunch of beliefs and pictures in my head that I feel like embody who I, or Ben is as a person, i.e. what Ben is good at, what he's bad at, which people are my best friends, who Ben's family is, etc. Higher self: Okay... Would you agree that these are all just beliefs and pictures in your head, this Ben cannot be a truth within the universe. There is nothing fundamental about it. You do not know what it is like to be Ben. These are all just fictions in your head, beliefs about yourself, there is no being to speak of. Lower self: Yes, I agree. I am starting to see a recurring pattern here. Does the truth lie within being? Higher self: Yes, I think so. Lower self: Well how do you know? Higher self: Well... I don't know, it just seems like the correct way of thinking about things. If all of these beliefs and fictions in our heads are just that, fictions like Pete Ralston has talked about, then how else are we going to come to the truth about things. Lower self: First off, you are putting your faith in Peter Ralston too much. How do you know what he is saying is true? Higher self: You're right, I don't. I want to question what he is saying as well. But... we have already established that there is no inherent truth to the Ben label or the human being label, correct? And this has been established because when we boil down the human being label, this is just a label that other people have come up with in order to label what this species should be called. We call this species human beings. No pure truth to this. Just a label. Same with the beliefs that you hold about Ben, no pure, fundamental truth there either. That is what this work is all about, cutting past all of the bullshit labels and getting to what is truly TRUE. That is what we are after here, and I think this was a good start young Padawan. Lower self: Thank you When will we speak again? Higher self: When you are ready.

Conspiracy theories are stage blue because they are conformist. Im trying to find stage blue examples that do not have religious elements to it. It's also low on the consciousness scale. It's a lazy way of thinking. A stage orange person would be too busy maximizing his profits to even care about conspiracy theories. And a stage green person would realize that it doesn't matter. A stage yellow person would just find it interesting that A conformist can be doing something different than every one else but still being conformist. A stage turquoise person is on a mountain top contemplating wholeness.

This place isn't what I came here for. I don't want to live a lie anymore. Nothing else matters but truth. But this is your own ego making this a big deal. It wants to feel special. How much should I continue to allow it? And how much should I steer into the flood. And it is flooding. Spilling over with semen. I'm horny right now, been horny. This makes me want to fuck. Real bad. This is a good thing. I haven't had sex in months. Of course I just went through a lot. I had heart surgery. People should feel bad for me.. this is how my ego thinks. He is in shambles at times. He is in shambles right now. Or just lower in the ego developmental ladder. But remember, this is just a sign of development. This is NOT THE REAL THING. THIS IS NOT TRUTH. What am I even doing here?

Personally, I don't think its possible for me to live with 100% integrity. If I wanted to do that, I'd have to cut off all of my social ties to family and friends and somehow find a way to make a living in a highly ethical way that doesn't manipulate or exploit anyone AT ALL (which is very rare to come by and would probably take years to develop.) The best you can do in my opinion is to do the best you can. You have to survive, don't flip your life on its head, you becoming whole should not mean the death of you. Your states of selfishness will continue and that's okay, that's what you're here on Earth to do.

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #91 ~ Wed Jun 10 '26 ~ 8:40 AM If I am not the ego, who am I really? Okay so I have realized that there is no self. The self is in fact constructed with thoughts. The self can also be called the ego, the self image, Ben, the dream state character, whatever you want to call it, but its not real. Now, it is real in the relative world, which is nonetheless an important aspect of what your going through here on Earth, you need to work, you need a roof over your head, you enjoy relationships with people, you need to eat, and overall you love the people in your life, you love your work, and you still want material desires in this life, such as tattoos, a shredded physique, dance accolades, and you want to see your students grow. This is all well and good. Now, mind you, I've used the word "you" a lot in the last paragraph, this "you" that I am referring to is the dream state character and not your True Self. I would like to get more in touch with this True Self. It feels as though I have an understanding that this ego is an imaginary interwoven thought construct that has been dreamt up by me in order to make sense of what is going on here. I can understand that, but if this is in fact just a construct and not who I TRULY am, what am I really? That is the part that I'm missing. I get small glimpses of something, in which I feel like I am experiencing something that is apart from this ego construct, but they are always very brief and fleeting. When I go about my day "out in the wild" I try to be mindful at all times, transitioning to more of an observer rather than a doer. Ego Development I am new to Susan Cook's ego development model, but I'm doing my best to learn it now. I believe that I am mainly at the "achiever" stage, which is the last step in the conventional section. I would like to make the leap into the next stage, which is the pluralist stage and in the post-convential or systems view section. The pluralist understands that everyone has their own perspective and that no perspective is inherently objective. I am somewhat in the pluralist stage actually, I resonate with a lot of things that are characteristic of the pluralist stage. The Truth is right in front of your fuckin' eyes Truth is an abstract thing at this point for me. I can't communicate it to you but it's of no fault of my own. Truth literally cannot be communicated. Why not? Because Truth is beyond labels and beliefs and anything that is communicated is exactly that, it's a label or a belief or a thought, and we've established that all of those things belong in the relative domain. The Absolute Truth. Is right here in front of my fuckin eyes right now. Open yourself up to that being a possibility. The Truth is right here, you're not going to be searching for it. And it's not abstract because there's nothing there to be abstract. Neti neti TRUTH. If truth is what we seek, then what am I doing here? And what am I really? What is my true nature? I am not my thoughts. I am not the environment. I am not my hand. I am not this cup of coffee. I am not my family. I am not my job. I am not my personality. What is left? What else could I possibly be if not the things that are all around me? Is there another dimension that I am unable to see? This other dimension is perturbed by thoughts. Clear away the thoughts and see what is left. That is why we meditate. Good meditation doesn't lead you to enlightenment, but it does make it so that you are able to see the mind more clearly. Your job is to be the perceiver or the observer of everything that you experience. Your True Self has no stake in these situations, so just sit back, relax and enjoy the show. The lower self is scared Lower self: but if I don't prioritize anything and hold myself accountable, I will become a lazy slob that doesn't get any of his work done and is late to work and is a shitty dance instructor. I can't just sit back and relax. Higher self: Notice what you're doing here, your mind is clinging onto the idea that his monkey chattering nature is necessary in order for you to survive. It's not necessary at all, this monkey chatter is causing you unnecessary suffering, through and through. Lower self: But how do relax the mind so that the thoughts actually slow down? Higher self: Just become aware of the thoughts, observe them as they come and go. That is the first step. Do that for a while and then come back to me when you are ready for more. What does your ego want? He wants to have a girl in his life again. He wants to enjoy some more sex with a woman. He wants to have full body orgasms. He wants to become a world champion dancer. He also seems to have unlocked something. He's seeing things differently now. He is starting to question the social matrix. He see that everything is constructed within his own mind. Nothing seems to actually be real. He has glimpsed the Absolute. But he realizes that his ego must continue to do its thing. He is now the observer of the ego, acting like its his non-judgemental father. This is how God would treat you. I am treating you as though God would treat you because I am God. and you are God. But what does that mean? It means whatever you want it to mean... You see, you're still trying to categorize this Truth that I am telling you. I am a vessel in which the Truth rolls through me and unto you. You must become conscious of this or we will no longer be able to communicate. Enlightenment has the right to children as well. Why must we continue to hide the Truth from our children. They have the right to know. But then again, how do we know the Truth? Why would I trust anything that you say. I'm high after all, how do I know that I'm not hallucinating everything up. Of course you're hallucinating everything up. What makes you think your friends are real? What could possibly be real about them? But then you get sucked back into the story. I know I will have a better relationship with my mother when I'm no longer living with her. The dramatic girl comes out to play with you and guess what? You want to play. Of course you want to play. Thats what you're here for. And to know whats right or correct or Good, you must acknowledge what is bad or unproductive. But you can't fix everything right now. She is dong the best that she can. "You don't look too good, is what my mother loves to say to me. She doesn't understand that I attach meaning to those words. It means judgement. I just want a mother that doesn't judge me. Does she judge you? Yes. Then that is the way it is, theres no need to change what is. Because what is is just what is. You cannot change WHAT IS.

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #164 ~ Mon Jun 8 '26 for month of June 2026 Morning routine: 7:30-8:00 AM: Wake up at 7:30 am: 1/8 Take medication: 7/8 Shower: 7/8 Floss teeth: 6/8 8:00-8:30 AM Meditate: 4/8 Night time routine: 11:00 pm Brush teeth: 6/8 Wash face: 5/8 No electronics: 2/8 Whole day goals: No ejaculation: 5/8 No porn: 3/8

Interlude: Leave a voicemail Ben: Hi, Higher Self, are you God? Higher self: No of course not, I am just a thought in your head Ben: Yes, right... of course.. How about the True Self... Is he home? Higher self: No.... He's not home either... Ben: Well... Can you check please? Maybe call him. I'm sure he's around. Higher self: Nah, he ain't here bro. Ben: Okay.... Well what do I gotta do to get in touch with him? Higher self: Leave him a voicemail. Ben: Hi True Self, I just want to say hi. I'd like to get in touch with you. So, let me know when you can kick it... Thanks, bye. Gemini: you can't get in touch with with the True Self because you can't get in touch with who you truly are. You aren't your thoughts, you observe them. You aren't your story. You aren't your memories. You aren't your personality. When you ruthlessly discard everything that you observe, what is left? The entity that desparately wants to kick it with the true self is the only thing standing in the way. The phone call was comign inside the house the whole time. Does the mind want to keep trying to solve the riddle, or is it ready to just sit with emptiness of not knowing? This is the ultimate cosmic joke of nonduality. You are asking to be the one who gets to attend your own funeral and brag about how great the eulogy was. The entity that wants to feel accomplished cannot survive the journey. True awakening isn't the prize at the end of the race; it’s the realization that the runner was a mirage the entire time. the Absolute doesn't care about your resume. What got you into spirituality in the first place? You feel this emptiness inside of you, a hole that cannot be filled. Eventually, you stop caring what others think because theres nobody there. Theres truly nobody there. So you might as well just do whatever you want. You are the master of your life. So go out there and do as you please. i was nervous around her. Thats okay though, your only job is to be more conscious. There is not more venting about girls. Do it, but don't get caught up in it. Because its not worth it. Your prize is much greater. But, there will be nobody to get that prize, which is the thing, thats what you'd have to give up. The person that you thought that you were, he will be gone. Thats okay though, I don't really care about him. Hes still going to be doing his thing. I'm gonna miss him, thats for sure. But, its his True nature. Why wouldn't I want to discover whats True? With no bounds. I want to sore into the sky and fly into Outer Space. I want to Feel All That There Is. I'm afraid of what will happen to me if I go down that path. She terrifies me.. She feels like death. Because if I touch her beautiful heart, there'll be nothing left of me. There will be nothing to hold myself up because there won't be any doubts inside of my mind. I want Truth. Sweet beatiful Truth. I know you're right here, you just have to wait to boil me up. I'm not ready to orgasm. Take you time with me. I don't know any better. More. More More. More. It never ends. This "More demand" is what makes us unhappy.

Interlude: This girl has never met the real me There is this girl that I know. I've been unable to be myself when I'm around her. Why is this? I'm honestly not sure. But I'd love to spend more time with her so that I can figure it out. I experience a lot of neediness in terms of my relationship to her. I want to grab hold of her and hold on to her forever. I don't want anyone touching her. I don't want anyone to talk to her. I don't want her to grow. I want her to stay exactly as she is. And if she does grow, I hope she grows in a way that serves me and my agenda. This is selfishness . This is obsession. This is unhealthy attachment. I would like to take a step back and observe how I interact with her. Should I go full throttle and be around her all the time? No. Thats not helpful. The problem is that she scatters my brain. She confuses me. But the main thing that I'm trying to figure out is what is it that make me feel this way towards her. This a separate, sovereign entity other than Ben. Why does Ben want to hold onto her so that she feels suffocated and unable to move. Do you care about her? Or do you just care about yourself? Which one is it? This is self reflection. Because I refuse to act selfish when I know its selfish. I am gong to be good for you. One of you. All of you. We are all one so I guess I'm going to be good for ME.

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #163 ~ Sun Jun 7 '26 for month of June 2026 Morning routine: 7:30-8:00 AM: Wake up at 7:30 am: 1/7 Take medication: 6/7 Shower: 6/7 Floss teeth: 6/7 8:00-8:30 AM Meditate: 4/7 Night time routine: 11:00 pm Brush teeth: 6/7 Wash face: 5/7 No electronics: 2/7 Whole day goals: No ejaculation: 5/7 No porn: 3/7 I am starting to think that I should take out showering as I don't need to track that, I do that everyday, without a doubt, I don't really need to track that anymore. This is about building habits, and I don't want to waste unnecessary energy tracking something that doesn't need to be tracked. That leads me to my second thought, I want to take out the no porn counter as Id much rather prioritize continuing to pleasure myself without ejaculation, let's just focus on that for now. It is cool to see the trajectory of this journal. I have claimed down quite a bit. I started off being very motivated and anal about everything and I had so many habits that I was trying to instill all at once. I was also driven crazy by this one girl, I sacrificed all of my authentic desires for her approval. This is very obvious now that I look back at how I was acting. Now I am grappling with the pointlessness of life, it truly is pointless, which makes things confusing because it's like, what do I do now? I can just do anything that I want? Yes.. that's exactly what that means.

"There are two energies inside you: Architect (he) and Mystic (she). He needs to plan; he needs how and why of everything. She just watches things unfold; the universe shows her it's most mysterious and magical depths. She can accept him because human planning is just a small part of universal magic. But he feels threatened by her. So, she is asleep inside you." - Shunya

"Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood and carry water." Enlightenment is not something that is out there and needs to be searched for. It is right here and will always be here. Once you become aware of this Truth, your life will go on as if nothing changed because nothing has changed.

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #90 ~ Sat Jun 6 '26 ~ 9:43 AM Personal Journal People that cannot put their egos to the side disgust me at this point. But of course, I must consider, when do I do this in my own life? I also have a question, I am trying to transcend the ego, correct? But then you have this model of ego development in which what, the ego is being more highly developed or more aware. Then what should I be doing, transcending the ego or making it more mature? I am confused by this. I am also trying to step away from parroting others models, I want to think FOR MYSELF, BY MYSELF. Thats the only way out of the maze. I'd like to watch Leo's videos less. Honestly this spurred by all of the "cult talk" floating around on YouTube and on the forum and since I'm trying to develop independent thinking, it would be wise for me to let go of the content that I view the most in favor of a more diversified palate... And honestly he would probably approve of this. No matter how amazing Leo's teachings are, I am nonetheless in an echo chamber in which I am allowing him and him alone to lead me down this path. I am afraid that inserting myself back into society will deter my spiritual path, I know Gemini has told me not to worry about this and to allow myself to continue to observe what occurs when out in the real world, but it just seems so much easier when I am able to sit at my desk or lay in bed ad contemplate things. I'm not sure how to feel about it. Then again, whats Truthful about feelings. I couldn't count on 10 hands the number of times that I haven't felt like going out and socializing, then I do it and I have an amazing time. Its happening today, actually. Literally almost every social situation I don't want to go to, but I get dragged out and I get invited to a lot of things because I am well liked, people enjoy my company. Now be careful what you do with that statement, don't turn it into an attachment, this is an opinion about yourself and it belongs in the filing cabinet that is ego. It doesn't belong in your True experience of yourself because it is not Self... at all. A Mature Ego is Ready for Death I really want to start taking a look again at ego development. The idea is to develop this "filing cabinet." I like to use a filing cabinet as an analogy for my own ego because its just the perfect analogy. The ego is the filing cabinet itself, this is the structure of the ego. The content is inside of the filing cabinet, and it has a bunch of stuff in there, beliefs, opinions, a self image, my thoughts about others and about myself, a whole slew of things. This filing cabinet needs to be matured, and that is what these ego development models address. The ego's job is to deal with survival, but ideally you are doing this in a mature and healthy way, one thats highly conscious. The reason these models help with that is because it is giving you a road map to what it takes to develop your ego. To mature the ego is to develop it enough so that it is ready to die or to transcend. Maturity is the acceptance of death. To allow death to knock on your door and to say hi to it is the ultimate sign of maturity and that is where you are headed.

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #162 ~ Sat Jun 6 '26 for month of June 2026 Morning routine: 7:30-8:00 AM: Wake up at 7:30 am: 1/6 Take medication: 5/6 Shower: 5/6 Floss teeth: 5/6 8:00-8:30 AM Meditate: 4/6 Night time routine: 11:00 pm Brush teeth: 5/6 Wash face: 4/6 No electronics: 1/6 - really struggling w/ this Whole day goals: No ejaculation: 4/6 - getting much better at this - I can't wait to try this out with an actual partner No porn: 3/6 - really want to get to a point where I don't watch porn at all but still enjoy pleasuring myself, I've made some good progress here so far trust me I love holding myself accountable with this journal, it makes it so that I am very conscious of all of the habits that I would like to instill in my life. The habits are also in place for a specific reason, they're not just there for shits, they are in place for a specific reason which will lead me to reach all of my goals. This dream state is intoxicating and confusing. I can have everything that I want? Really? There are not limitations? That just cannot be. There must be things that I cannot have. Nope. You can have ANYTHING so dream big. I have to see my ex girlfriend later today which is not ideal. I would like to stay away from her today, I don't even want to say hi to her. It is so fuckin' annoying that I have to see this girl on a regular basis (this is not a regular basis, its probably every few months.) But it sucks regardless. I'm going to try to have fun there, but I get so annoyed because everyone else has girlfriends. Why do you care about that? I don't know, I think Im just looking to bitch about something. What are you going to do today? I am going to do my morning routine as I always do, shower, brush teeth, etc. and then meditate. And then I am going to eat my breakfast and start my day which will consist of recording the Bachata videos so that I can cancel it and I won't get charged tomorrow. Then I will leave at 12:30, go to the gym and workout. Then I will order wings and then I will head to my friends house for a party. I'm kind of sick of parties, I'd rather just think about Truth. But heres the thing, socializing keeps me grounded, otherwise I tend to slack off and live in the abstract. But beign around people, dealing with things, this is what keeps your feet on the ground. I really enjoyed seeing everyone from Arthur Murray yesterday, I really do miss everyone there. I say that all I care about is Truth work but its not really true. I want to see how far I can take this career path. I am going to have to bring clothes with me when I leave because I'm staying at my dads house tonight. I'm not really sure if I want to give up porn anymore. But something has clicked in me and I have become masterful at not ejaculating, which is really what I want. The only problem with porn is it scatters my brain, which effects the way I have while out in public. Ideally, it is no porn and no ejaculation while continuing to please myself 3-4 times a week.

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #161 ~ Fri Jun 5 '26 for month of June 2026 Morning routine: 7:30-8:00 AM: Wake up at 7:30 am: 1/5 Take medication: 4/5 Shower: 4/5 Floss teeth: 4/5 8:00-8:30 AM Meditate: 4/5 Night time routine: 11:00 pm Brush teeth: 4/5 Wash face: 4/5 No electronics: 1/5 (I got off at 11:30 pm, which is much better than before) Whole day goals: No ejaculation: 3/5 No porn: 3/5 Things are very messy in my room. I feel stuck. I feel like whatever I do, I just can't get this discipline thing right. I continue to not wake up at the desired time, it is very frustrating. All I have to do is just wake my ass up, its actually not that difficult, but I just lay there for a good hour, sometimes playing on my phone. Its pure laziness and if I can deal with this, I will feel MUCH better about myself. I want structure, I really want structure. There are lots of things that I want in this life, but they require a plan and then the motivation and discipline to carry through with that plan.

I season 1, the main character, Thorfinn has lived his entire life on a path stained in blood as he attempts to avenge his fathers death. He eventually gets his revenge and then he has no idea what to do with himself. He could remain in stage red by making up something else to be mad about and getting revenge on someone else (this would be a toxic life purpose.) Or he could put the violence behind him and move into something more communally-driven. He chooses the ladder. In season two he works on a farm and grows interested in religion. This show resembles a stark transition between stage red into stage blue.

I like that she is in a church at the beginning of the trailer. This would be her trying to transition out of stage red and into stage blue. But unfortunately, it looks like her past has caught up to her.

In the world of vikings, a disgraced warrior has only two options, kill or die.