Spiritual Warrior

Interlude: Dance Partnership Ending ~ 1.22.26 My dance partner told me that she doesn't want to be competitive partners when I age out of the category in August. We already have plans to compete together in March in New Orleans so we have to do that. After that, I won't be able to compete at the one in June because of the heart surgery and after that, there is one in Chicago and a local one, both in August. Although I could technically dance with this partner for those I would like to compete with someone else instead. The reason is because this is not a long term partnership anymore. Therefore, I would much rather develop some chemistry with someone else that I can use to catapult us into the next category, which is much more competitive. If I get this rolling now, I can start working on our routines now in preparation for August. I'm actually looking forward to this. The other positive to this is that this current dance partner has gifted me with an emotional roller coaster of an experience dancing with her. She's completely unhinged, highs are super high and lows are super low, which is honestly exactly how I am, which makes us not a well balanced match for each other. This other girl that I am going to be dancing with is very grounded, which is probably exactly what I need. Im thinking that we probably compliment and balance each other well. Im actually really excited to no longer be on this emotional roller coaster and to have some stability in my dance partnership. I am going to tell her about this as soon as I can so that we are all on the same page.

Habits and Disciplines Journal Entry #1 Okay, it is 10.29.25 and I have realized that I have no discipline in my life which is setting me back from accomplishing my goals. Listed below are the habits that I would like to integrate as well as the reason for doing so: 1.Read when I get home (no electronics) this is for the purpose of having better sleep. I also have a larger vision of being very well educated, which starts with reading lots of books. Just a little bit every night will go a long ways 2.No sexual stimulation from internet No sexual stimulation from the internet. I see no benefit in watching porn, I have a history of being addicted to it and have therefore had struggles having an erection with a real woman, this is a no brainer. Stop with this nonsense. 3.Workout at gym 3 days a week Workout at the gym 3 days a week. I want to get really fuckin hot, like really fuckin hot. And the best way to do this as a man is to hit the gym and do it in a strategic and intelligent way. I am going to go 3 days a week, I am going to work out my chest on Monday at 11am - 12pm, this will be barbell bench press, dumbbell incline press, and that one with the cable that stretches your chest, it is going to be 4 sets and the first set is a warm up, so 3 real sets. Next is legs, I would like to use the angled leg Press, 4 sets, then the leg extensions, 4 sets, then use a calf machine, 4 sets again, next is back and arms. I want to start doing deadlifts again, I love deadlifts, then a barbell row and then a dumbell row, I really want to get my back jacked for dance. 4 sets of each again and this will be the workout routine for 3 months. Then I will have a de load week, in which I take the whole week off from weight training and I reevaluate how far I've come. I will also need to measure how much protein and carbs and calories that I am in taking and also weight myself on a daily basis so that I can track my progress 4.No ejaculating for 3 years No ejaculating for 3 years. This has to do with my goal of having sexual abundance in my life. I want to have sex with real woman, not with my own hand. Not ejaculating also gives me more energy to shift my focus into other things in life, such as having a bigger impact on people, reading books, meditating and overall being a healthier human that people look up to. I lead with integrity. 5. Approach and hit on 10 women every week for 1 year Approach and hit on 10 women every week, which would equate to 500 women on the year. This would be a great milestone for me and it would make me very proud. This coincides with the goal of wanting to have sexual abundance in my life. I want lots of sex with lots of women. That is what I genuinely want. I don't want to fake that anymore, I want this and therefore I will have it. Thank you God for allowing me to have an abundance of sex with an abundance of women. - Half time: as you can see, we already have an interrelated system at work, the no ejaculation goal supports the hitting on 10 women every week because not ejaculating will give me more motivation and energy and time to hit on several women a week, on the flip side if I hit on 10 women every week, watching porn and ejaculating becomes a lot less appealing, both cogs in the system are supporting each other. Nice job there. - 6. Eat 150 g of protein every single day I have learned that eating a lot of protein is imperative to building lots of muscle. I want to build lots of muscle in order to become the sexiest man I can be. This is required, therefore I have to eat enough protein. 7. Meditate every morning for 30 minutes moving past physical attractiveness, I want to be attractive in a sense that I am magnetic as a human being, people want to be around me, and I also want to be able to stay present and within the moment both for dance and also for the people around me, such as students and friends and family and co workers. The more I meditate, the higher my consciousness grows, and the more I understand the truth of reality, the more I am able to make an impact on the world. Overall, this is mainly for better mood and mental clarity, the motivation is NOT towards enlightenment, although I predict that is what it will turn into 8. Wake up at 7:30 am every day this challenge has two benefits: 1. It is going to build self discipline and character, and 2. I have to wake up that early in order to get everything done that I want to ( I've already mapped out my schedule accordingly) 9. Brush teeth morning and night this is also building self discipline and it is also for the betterment of my hygienic and overall health and well being. I am also a dance instructor, I work very close to people, therefore it is imperative that I have fresh breath. I may even want to pick up a toothbrush and toothpaste and keep it at the dance studio. 10. Floss teeth every morning another habit for self discipline and overall wellbeing 11. Shower and groom hair every morning this is similar to the last two, it is building character to stick to a habit. The main thing that I'm trying to do with this morning routine is that there are no grey areas here - no - I wake up at 7:30 am, I brush my teeth and floss, then I take a shower, then I groom my hair and beard, then I go downstairs and meditate for 30 minutes on the floor, then I do my push ups and pull ups, which is the next thing on this list and there is no wiggle room, there is no being wishy washy, no I am doing this every fucking day, I don't care if I get kidnapped and wake up in Antarctica, no - I am going to follow the same routine no matter what. Fuck variety - life is chock full of surprises, a routine keeps you grounded and focused and stable - this is the true masculine power - to have the self discipline to stick to this routine 12. Do 3 sets of push ups and 3 sets of pull ups every morning again, this is self discipline and it will also have a cumulative effect in turning me into a sexy, attractive man. I am going to make these things happen every single day like clock work. There are no excuses. It is time to start living with integrity and purpose and direction. This is the desire that I have been suppressing and distracting my self from with spiritual pursuits. I don’t really want to be enlightened, at least not yet. I have been using enlightenment as a distraction for many years because hitting on women and developing discipline in life is scarier and more uncomfortable to me than reading spiritual books and meditating. If I do these things, I will become the quintessential model of healthy masculinity. And this is what I truly want. I want to maximize my masculine energy to its absolute full potential. Then once I hit that peak, I will move into something more selfless, such as spiritual enlightenment, or whatever else I want to pursue. I am going to need a checklist that I have to check off every single day. This needs to be made public so that I can feel the embarrassment of missing a day. I want to do this on actualized.org, my favorite forum. Thank you God for allowing me to become aware of my authentic desire of being a vessel of healthy masculinity in this world. Thank you God for allowing me to create sexual abundance in my life. Thank you God for allowing me to create a life filled with love, laughter, joy, purpose, and gratitude. Listed below is my checklist for the first two days of my challenge. 10.31.25 Morning routine goals: Brush teeth Floss Shower Groom hair Eat breakfast Meditate Work out Night time routine goals: Brush teeth Wash face No electronics before bed "Whole day" goals: No porn No ejaculation Eat 150 g of protein Weekly Goals: Weight lift 3 days a week Approach 10 women I did a good job on everything except for no electronics before bed and eating 150 g of protein. I was on my phone before going to sleep and I am going to have to figure out how to incorporate 150 g of protein into my diet. The weekly goals are going to be assessed at the end of the week on Sunday. I am going to actually keep a counter of how many girls I have approached. I would also like to create a counter so that I can keep track of how many days I consecutively stuck to my habit. The higher the number, the more fulfilled I will feel.

Habits and Disciplines Journey Entry #81 This is is an entertaining video journal; here I contemplate how frustrating it is feeling like you're so far away from your goals and what I have been doing with my life over the past 10 years. I have noticed a few things recently, so the first one is that I have had a breakthrough in my dancing. I now take every dance with a lady as an opportunity to give the woman an experience like no other; I express to her how beautiful I think she is, how sexy I think she is.. through the dance and the cool thing about is that its just a dance, so there are no rules, you can go as far as you want with them. And this is what they want, these women want to lose themselves in the dancing, they want to FEEL something that they've never felt before. They want to feel that love, that intimacy that they have been craving for for so many years. You think people stick around and pay thousands of dollars to learn patterns in a dance... FUCK NOOOOO ... They want to feel their feminine essence in a way that they've never experienced before. And this is what I provide to every woman that I dance with. I am going to continue to push the envelope more and more in this regard. The second thing I've realized is that I am truly terrified of escalating things with women. I have a lack of experience, I have a fear of intimacy, and I overall just have no idea what I'm doing. Now this should not stop me from trying. And I will start trying. Starting next weekend (I have a dance event all of this weekend), I will go back to Boston and see what I can do. I am not so much scared of talking to these girls, I've felt progress in that regard, I am just scared of escalating things in a non-creepy way. I have also decided that I definitely need a second job. I am going to print a resume out and head to coffee shops and see if any of them are hiring. I know I can get a job if I try hard enough. I will tell them that I can work any morning except Wednesday so that I can keep my dance trainings which start at 10 am and of course I go into work at 1 oclock on Mondays and Fridays. This should give me that cushion that I need to start saving (in case I need another car), paying back my parents, and start saving so that I can pay for that "dating" workshop. One of the cool things about journaling is I am starting to look at my current situation under a fuckin' microscope. I'm really starting to understand and be honest about exactly where I am in life, which is exactly what you need to do if you are going to actualize big goals. Understand and be honest about where you are currently at and understand and be honest about where you want to go. This creates structural tension that will propell you towards the life of your dreams. Read more of The Path of Least Resistance for more insights regarding this. Morning Routine: Wake up at 7:30am: 2 Make bed: 2 Journal: 82 Brush teeth streak: 84 Floss streak: 2 Shower streak: 55 Meditation streak: 2 Affirmations / Visualizations streak: Hitting on women visualization: 2 "I love having sex with lots of women" affirmation: 2 "I see funniness everywhere" affirmation: 11 "I am independent of the good or bad opinions of others" affirmation: 11 Free Talk exercise (Say anything that comes to your mind): 11 Night time routine goals: Brush teeth streak: 4 Wash face streak: 4 No electronics before bed streak: 3 "Whole day" goals: No porn streak: 11 ( I am going to go until at least March 27th without porn and ejaculating - this is when I am competing in New Orelans.) No ejaculation streak: 11 Eat 150 g of protein streak: 0 No alcohol streak: 83 No smoking weed streak: 38

I was at my best friends birthday party yesterday and my ex girlfriend was there with her new boyfriend. She was snuggled up with him all day. At first, I am thinking "why does she have to be here? This is MY best friend." "Why can't she at least control herself, doesn't she know I'd rather not see that?" But then it dawned on me that all this is is an "emotional regulation challenge" in which i have to find a way to "feel and let go" of the current emotional state. Situations like this are not going away any time soon, the only thing that you can do is train your emotional regulatory system to handle and deal with this. Avoidance is never the answer. I will also say that he does seem like a genuinely good guy. I am very happy that she found someone that is treating her well, I know the guy before me really sucked. The reality is that the ex girlfriend, for whatever reason, acted the way that she did. I cannot change someone else's behavior, all that I have control over is how I handle it. And again, I want the challenge, I will have to face even greater challenges in the near future if I am going to reach my goals. I will go so far as to say I am thankful for this challenge yesterday. Treat every challenge like a growth experience.

Habits and Disciplines Journey Entry #80 Morning Routine: Wake up at 7:30am: 1 Make bed: 1 Journal: 81 Brush teeth streak: 83 Floss streak: 1 Shower streak: 54 Meditation streak: 1 Affirmations / Visualizations streak: Hitting on women visualization: 1 "I love having sex with lots of women" affirmation: 1 "I see funniness everywhere" affirmation: 10 "I am independent of the good or bad opinions of others" affirmation: 10 Free Talk exercise (Say anything that comes to your mind): 10 Night time routine goals: Brush teeth streak: 3 Wash face streak: 3 No electronics before bed streak: 2 "Whole day" goals: No porn streak: 10 No ejaculation streak: 10 Eat 150 g of protein streak: 0 No alcohol streak: 82 No smoking weed streak: 37

Yes, exactly... Very paradoxical

Habits and Disciplines Journey Entry #79 Morning Routine: Wake up at 7:30am: 0 Make bed: 0 Journal: 80 Brush teeth streak: 82 Floss streak: 0 Shower streak: 53 Meditation streak: 0 Affirmations / Visualizations streak: Hitting on women visualization: 0 "I love having sex with lots of women" affirmation: 0 "I see funniness everywhere" affirmation: 9 "I am independent of the good or bad opinions of others" affirmation: 9 Free Talk exercise (Say anything that comes to your mind): 9 Night time routine goals: Brush teeth streak: 2 Wash face streak: 2 No electronics before bed streak: 1 (With all of the relapses on this habit, I have seen the reason for why I want to do this because otherwise I will literally scroll on my phone in bed for HOURS... so stay disciplined) "Whole day" goals: No porn streak: 9 No ejaculation streak: 9 Eat 150 g of protein streak: 0 No alcohol streak: 81 No smoking weed streak: 36 Things to do: Pack things for dance event this weekend: Friday: Dance camps ( just wear work clothes), 6 solos (christmas, Bolero, Walt, Bachata, NC 2 step, Hustle formation), things I need: Work pants Work shirt Tie Black vest Dance shoes Black socks (3 pairs) Underwear (3 pairs) Black button up Blue jeans Silver chain Rhythm shirt #1 Rhythm shirt #2 Smooth shirt Rhythm shoes Tanning stuff Phone charger Tell boss about dates that I need to be out (February 12th for catherization test, March 27th for Future Champs comp, and April 28th going in for heart surgery) Call car insurance for rates and ask them if windshield repairs are covered Liberty Geico State Farm All State The General USAA Nationwide Travelers Get blood work scheduled Print out resume and apply at coffee shops Go to bank and get more information about a loan

Habits and Disciplines Journey Entry #78 Morning Routine: Wake up at 7:30am: 0 Make bed: 8 Journal: 79 Brush teeth streak: 81 Floss streak: 0 Shower streak: 52 Meditation streak: 0 Affirmations / Visualizations streak: Hitting on women visualization: 0 "I love having sex with lots of women" affirmation: 0 "I see funniness everywhere" affirmation: 8 "I am independent of the good or bad opinions of others" affirmation: 8 Free Talk exercise (Say anything that comes to your mind): 8 Night time routine goals: Brush teeth streak: 1 Wash face streak: 1 No electronics before bed streak: 0 "Whole day" goals: No porn streak: 8 No ejaculation streak: 8 Eat 150 g of protein streak: 0 No alcohol streak: 80 No smoking weed streak: 35

Contemplating the nature of attachment ~ 1.16.26 A big part of being human is that we have attachments, attachments to things, friends, family, objects. We can't escape attachments in life. And if we lose these things, we feel incomplete, we feel loss, we feel sadness. Of course, nothing is permanent, and in the end you will lose EVERYTHING. Which makes it so that all attachments will lead to suffering. Is this suffering necessary? Is it possible to release yourself from ALL attachments? Why are attachments so closely related to being human? Is it because we are all One so this leads us towards wanting to unite back towards each other? What is the metaphysical nature of an "attachment"? Some things to contemplate...

Tricky question, it FEELS like I need it.. but deep down I understand that this is merely a want. With this in mind, I have two options: 1. Understand that I truly do not need it and let it go 2. Understand that this is something that this human body that I am occupying truly desires and do my best to give that thing to him. I will choose the ladder. Life here on Earth is meant to be experienced. If you have a material desire, do everything in your power to attain it. Once you attain it and realize it doesn't fulfill you, you can transcend. But you must understand that there really is no such thing as a NEED. I don't NEED to stay alive. I WANT to stay alive. Nothing is NEEDED in this universe. NOTHING AT ALL.

Habits and Disciplines Journey Entry #77 I was at my best friends birthday party yesterday, it was a lot of fun. We just messed around acting like hooligans all day. I remember getting into a nice "flow state" while playing beer pong, this was done in a deliberate fashion too, which is very fun. This is something that dawned on me about parties. We are all trying to enter that delicious and succulent "flow state." We don't want constant stimulation, deep down we just want flow, we want to release ourselves from the mental prison inside of our heads. My ex girlfriend was there and she was snuggled up against her boyfriend the whole night. I'm not sure why she has to do this in front me, but at the same time I like to treat these sorts of situations like "emotional regulation tests" because things like this will always occur and will probably become more and more challenging, so curve directly into it instead of avoiding and you will become well versed in "emotional mastery." I also had a dance practice in the morning in which we are trying to add emotion to the performance. This is very new to me and is something that is awesome for my growth, there is touching and snuggling up with each other throughout the dance. I am very comfortable with my dance partner at this point so she is the perfect person to try this stuff on with. I am also starting to release the attachment that I have towards her, which is a very positive thing. Let go. I cannot wait until I can share these "emotional things" with my students, this will catapult their growth and make them FEEL amazing. The most important thing in ballroom dancing is to make the woman FEEEEEEEEL. You make them FEEL something and they are hooked. This is what I am going to do with that new student that wants to "dip her toes" in. Firstly you cannot "dip your toes" into ballroom dancing, no you have to just jump in. If you dip your toes, you will not see the progress and you will fall off. I made a video journal on my way over there and it was very constructive, I summarized everything that I've been going through recently in the video, it was eye opening and a good test in public speaking. I posted it on YouTube as "unlisted" and put it in here, as this is not something I want public, its way too personal, but the people on here are welcome to watch it to understand what I am going through. Morning routine goals: Wake up at 7:30am: 0 Make bed: 7 Journal: 78 Brush teeth streak: 80 Floss streak: 0 Shower streak: 51 Meditation streak: 0 Affirmations / Visualizations streak: Hitting on women visualization: 0 "I love having sex with lots of women" affirmation: 0 "I see funniness everywhere" affirmation: 7 "I am independent of the good or bad opinions of others" affirmation: 7 Free Talk exercise (Say anything that comes to your mind): 7 Night time routine goals: Brush teeth streak: 0 Wash face streak: 0 No electronics before bed streak: 0 "Whole day" goals: No porn streak: 7 No ejaculation streak: 7 Eat 150 g of protein streak: 0 No alcohol streak: 79 No smoking weed streak: 34 Weight lifting streak: (Still working on this, but I would like to work out today. The goal is 4 days a week, it doesn't really matter what you do for now, just get your ass to the gym or do push ups and pull ups.) Monday: Tuesday: Wednesday: Worked out Thursday: Friday: worked out Saturday: Sunday: Currently in bank account: $467 Spending for January so far: $1057 Income for January so far: $52 Ebay $465 Dance studio $511 Dance studio $1,027 Total Current debt left: For Mom: $320 For dad: $640 For debt relief: $550

Habits and Disciplines Journey Entry #76 This morning, I have dance practice. As you can see, I have been contemplating the nature of attachment and my dance partner is the perfect person to use for contemplation. I am very attached to her and I know that the partnership is going to end in a few months. Therefore, I will see her a lot less which means that the attachment is being pulled out of its socket, it feels kind of like a break up. The other thing that probably gives me more of an emotional pull is I feel very rejected by her not wanting to dance with me anymore. I feel like "I'm not good enough," and overall I just feel "unloved." Feeling unloved is probably the worst feeling a human being can experience. Truth be told, this girl actually drives me crazy, always has. There is just something about the energy connection between us that just sends my emotional state on a fuckin' whirlwind. My job today is to become conscious of the attachment that I have towards her. Be very aware of it. Is it a healthy attachment or an unhealthy one? Do I genuinely love and care about her growth or do I only care about her because she is giving me something. And if the ladder is true, what exactly is she giving me? After this, I have a phone call with a pick up coach. He messaged me on Instagram and we started talking. I think I really want to take coaching with him because I REALLY want to deal with this women issue and I don't think there is going to be a better time than the present. I am primed and ready to go. This will also benefit my relationship with my dance partners because I think that the attachment and neediness that I am talking about stems from the lack of love that I am receiving from my dating life, I mean I haven't gone out on a date with a girl in over a month, haven't kissed someone in at least 2 months, etc.... so if I can go at this with an abundance then my neediness will be gone and then my relationship with my dance partners can be that of "how can I help you" instead of "how can you help me?" That would be a big shift. I've been much more loving with myself in terms of these habits as yes I am going through some healing of traumas and also there are A LOT of habits that I am trying to stick to all at once. In reality, these habits will stick in layers. I will get a few of them down for 30 then 60 days, etc... and then another few will come... These things take development over time. However, I would like to invigorate some tenacity into my life. This is missing I feel and I am going to start going at life with a ferociousness because.... Well I just want to and it will lead me to my goals quicker. Here is a reel that hypes me up: https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTRAR4kDVKG/?igsh=MWI4a2gyNTBtNnZhcg== 1.16.26 Morning routine goals: Wake up at 7:30am: 0 Make bed: 6 Journal: 77 Brush teeth streak: 79 Floss streak: 0 Shower streak: 50 Meditation streak: 0 Affirmations / Visualizations streak: Hitting on women visualization: 0 "I love having sex with lots of women" affirmation: 0 "I see funniness everywhere" affirmation: 6 "I am independent of the good or bad opinions of others" affirmation: 6 Free Talk exercise (Say anything that comes to your mind): 6 Night time routine goals: Brush teeth streak: 2 Wash face streak: 2 No electronics before bed streak: 0 "Whole day" goals: No porn streak: 6 No ejaculation streak: 6 Eat 150 g of protein streak: 5 No alcohol streak: 78 No smoking weed streak: 33 Weight lifting streak: (Still working on this, but I would like to work out today. The goal is 4 days a week, it doesn't really matter what you do for now, just get your ass to the gym or do push ups and pull ups.) Monday: Tuesday: Wednesday: Worked out Thursday: Friday: worked out Saturday: Sunday: Spending for January so far: $752 Income for January so far: $52 Ebay $465 Dance studio $511 Dance studio $1,027 Total Current debt left: For Mom: $320 For dad: $640 For debt relief: $550

Nice exercise

Peter Ralston is a fuckin beast, I will be checking out this book, I didn't know it existed

Great insights guys, thank you. I have come to the conclusion that there are healthy attachments and there are unhealthy attachments. A healthy attachment is one in which you genuinely care and love the thing that you are describing. However, you fully understand that if the thing leaves or changes, it is a natural step in the direction of the things development and you will not cling onto it, keeping it with you or the way that it was. True love requires you to allow the thing to fly away if it's true desire is to get away from you and be free. A negative attachment is one that requires a clinging, a tying down, a having control. The perfect example is that of the controlling boyfriend that doesn't allow the girl to leave the house. He says that he loves her but in reality, he is just attached to her, he is attached to something that she is giving to him. And he is desperately afraid of losing this thing. A perfect song describing the controlling boyfriend: I am starting to get out there into the dating field. My goal in that is to become very aware of my attachments to these girls. Is it a healthy attachment or is it an unhealthy attachment? There is a fine line to be toed here because naturally, the better fit a girl is for me, the higher quality the girl is, the more likely it is that I will have an unhealthy attachments towards her because she is so rare. It will be interesting to navigate this.

You are that hot bitch that you are calling scum because we are all One. Also, I honestly think you're just sexually frustrated.

Interlude: contemplating attachment Posting that post on the forum about contemplating attachments was extremely beneficial. Some of the people on here have really good insights. It's also beneficial to just bounce ideas off of one another, whether or not you agree. I stopped posting on the community forum for a while because it triggered me when I posted something on the dating page, some of the people were being quite rude and I don't have very thick skin. Anyways, I want to contemplate this attachment thing further, so I have an attachment for this girl, right, now the attachment that I have for her feels ugly or evil because it is a "taking" sort of attachment. Contrast this to my attachment for my dance student. I am attached to her but not in taking way as in I need attention from her, I am attached to her because I want to help her succeed and prosper and live a happy and fulfilled life and to reach her full potential, this is actually how I feel about all of my students, and that's great. But with this girl, Im not thinking like this, I just don't want to lose her because she makes me happy, this is a selfish kind of attachment. I am attached to the attention and fun and intimacy that she gives me. I'm not attached to helping her achieve her goals and to prosper, not at all, I actually want her to continue to be my dance partner which will completely stifle her development and lead her into doing something that she does not want to do. This is the key that I've been missing and is an absolute truth bomb. Ive been going about my relationship with her in a very selfish manner, one that doesn't care about her growth at all. Damn. Truth bombs are usually very painful, but I've actually learned to love them. This is insight at work, I didn't know how selfish I was being until the full scope of the situation came crashing down on my head. This is growth. Basically the more insights you have, the faster and farther you will grow.

Damn.

I understand where you're coming from and I have come from a similar place. But.... the reality is that you appreciate and are infatuated by their beauty.. really contemplate this and you will see that it is true. There are times when I am in a depressive emotional state, I will feel like I'm a creep and undeserving of even coming into contact with the beautiful women on this planet. The reality is that they are human beings with just as many psychological "issues" as I have and searching for Love, same as me. This song perfectly depicts this situation for men: When you were here before Couldn't look you in the eye You're just like an angel Your skin makes me cry You float like a feather In a beautiful world I wish I was special You're so fuckin' special But I'm a creep I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doin' here? I don't belong here

Habits and Disciplines Journey Entry #75 A few things that I want to go over. The first thing, my dance partner told me that she doesn't want to be partners after we "age out" of the category that we're in right now. (of course she put this more elegantly / subtly but the jist of it is she does not want to dance with me past a certain point.) This means that we can compete in two events in March and then possibly one in August and then thats it. This hurts my feelings for two reasons 1. I feel like I am being rejected, these moments always hurt because the human, which is me in the situation feels unloved, as if he doesn't deserve love, he feels like he is being rejected for who he is, which is such a terrible feeling. This triggered something deeper in me in which I realized that I also feel very rejected right now romantically as I have no one in my life to share intimacy with and I haven't for months. I will go over how I want to handle this later on in the post. The second reason it hurts is because I am going to miss this girl so much. I've been hanging out with her on a weekly basis for over a year, she has provided my life with a ray of sunshine, with just her presence, this is going to end and honestly this is incredibly sad, it is an incredibly hard pill to swallow. For some reason, this girl evokes strong, strong emotions out of me. I've never felt so much emotion from having this girl in my life. These emotions are not always good, definitely lots of negative emotions too, but always VERY POTENT, VERY INTENSE EMOTIONS. It has been a roller coaster. In a lot of ways, I am going to much more at peace without her, but I have grown such an attachment to this girl. I want to contemplate what an attachment is because its not that obvious. At first, I thought an attachment is present merely out of love for that thing or person, this is true to some extent, but there is something more sinister going on, this attachment creates a clinging, a desire to lot lose this person, this girl wants to leave for her own benefit, she sees taking a different path (with a different dance partner) will allow her to thrive in ways that she couldn't with me, if I truly loved her I would accept this full, now of course I do on a logical standpoint, like I get it and I'm not mad at her, but this attachment that I have towards her makes me want to hold onto her forever and this can be stifling towards her growth and development. If it was true love I would be fully accepting of losing her as I would want whats best for her NO MATTER WHAT. But like what is attachment, on a metaphysical level and why is it so prevalent in human beings. We become SO ATTACHED to our pets, to our families, to our friends, to our cars, to our houses, what is this attachment and why is it prevalent amongst humans, at least in this culture here in the United States. Okay, next thing on the docket, I am switching up my goals when it comes to women, I just want a girlfriend, truly I just want a girlfriend, which starts with getting laid, this whole goal of hitting on women with a camera and having sex with "lots of women" I mean its all great stuff I appreciate the ambition, I really do, but I am scarred right now and I just need love. I am starting to realize that I may have residual trauma from not feeling loved as a child. I want to start going to a therapist. I've got to find a way to fit that into my schedule. I also have A LOT to deal with right now, I mean my financial situation is shit, I have to have heart surgery in two months, I'm prepping for a dance competition in New Orleans and honestly, all I want right now is somebody to hold, truly thats all I want, I just want LOVE. The thing with this is that I could fuckin' have a girlfriend right now if I had just had more courage and more intention and more drive. There were several opportunities from the past few months. Back in September, I was at a dance workshop and I was talking to this attractive girl and we walked out of the event together, she said that I should stop by this place on Friday nights to dance, I didn't ask for her number and never went to the place that she told me to go to and I fuckin' fist bumped her and said we could be friends LMAO . Then, a month later in October, I met two awesome girls, the first was older and we left the place and danced Bachata VERY CLOSELY in the parking lot, where no one was around. I really wanted to kiss her but I didn't have the courage. We exchanged goodbyes when I was leaving and I told her to go to start going somewhere on Friday nights, but I did not get her contact information either. The other girl was a little younger than me and honestly very much my type, I had seen her before too. We had a nice conversation and dance but nothing came of it. Then, about a month or two ago a girl came up to me at the gym and starting talking to me, we exchanged numbers and went out on a date. Past that, she stopped answering me so that ended. This was a few weeks ago. I also have noticed that I attract attention when I walk into places, I am an attractive man, I just currently don't hit on girls. So there have been many opportunities, the solution here is to continue going out, something will hit. 1.15.26 Morning routine goals: Wake up at 7:30am: 2 Make bed: 5 Journal: 76 Brush teeth streak: 78 Floss streak: 14 Shower streak: 49 Meditation streak: 2 Affirmations / Visualizations streak: Hitting on women visualization: 0 "I love having sex with lots of women" affirmation: 0 "I see funniness everywhere" affirmation: 5 "I am independent of the good or bad opinions of others" affirmation: 5 Free Talk exercise (Say anything that comes to your mind): 5 Night time routine goals: Brush teeth streak: 1 Wash face streak: 1 No electronics before bed streak: 0 "Whole day" goals: No porn streak: 5 No ejaculation streak: 5 Eat 150 g of protein streak: 4 No alcohol streak: 77 No smoking weed streak: 32 Weight lifting streak: (Still working on this, but I would like to work out today. The goal is 4 days a week, it doesn't really matter what you do for now, just get your ass to the gym or do push ups and pull ups.) Monday: Tuesday: Wednesday: Worked out Thursday: Friday: Saturday: Sunday: Spending for January so far: $752 Income for January so far: $52 Ebay $465 Dance studio $511 Dance studio $1,027 Total Current debt left: For Mom: $320 For dad: $640 For debt relief: $550

In this sense the attachment is part of a selfish desire, but at the same time, anything that we are attached to, we do love, otherwise we wouldn't be attached to it, but is this really love or is it merely part of a survival game? Is it even possible to truly love something that you are attached to?

My purpose in life is to inspire men and women to get in touch with their emotions and to express themselves fully with no shame

Interlude: I have a mountain to climb Okay, what just happened? So I was meditating, right on track with my schedule, and 15 minutes into the meditation, I had an urge to "just relax" so I laid there in bed, attempted to watch my thoughts, which is my new way of meditating and I fell asleep. Now, I knew that this was an "okay" thing to do because I didn't have an obligation until 12:30 pm today. I am trying to build up A LOT of things all at once. Life is very overwhelming, there are so many things that are going on, there are so many things that I am working on, so many things that I am trying to overcome and deal with. I have a tendency to become frustrated with myself for not accomplishing goals and hitting on streaks. The important thing to do here is to be loving towards yourself, give yourself the love that you deserve and keep trying. Remember, failure is how you learn. You must start reframing failure. Now, how do I not become overwhelmed with life? Well, the first thing is to journal. Having this as a venting / contemplation / organizational outlet works wonders. The second thing is I still have lots of residual laziness or maybe more accurately "giving up" tendencies within my psyche. There is a lack of focus on accomplishing a task. You have also got to understand that the goals that you have set in place for yourself are MASSIVE. You want to become a world champion dancer, you want a highly conscious girlfriend, you want to become enlightened and write books about it, you want to have full body orgasms, you want a house with a pool and outdoor bar, you want a YouTube channel in which you hit on girls, you want a shredded and muscular physique. You want sooooo much and what you think you're not going to be overwhelmed, you think these things are going to come easy?????! No! Of course not! This is A LOT. And of course you can have it all and you will, but what do you expect, a Goddess to come riding in on a stallion and hand it to you on a silver platter? No, of course not. You have a MOUNTAIN to fuckin' climb. And you wouldn't want it any other way now would you? Because its the growth that you are going to get from this journey that is so exhilarating.

Habits and Disciplines Journey Entry #74 I did Door Dash last night and I made $20 on 3 orders. This is my first time so I am going to figure out a more efficient way of doing it. You can earn money hourly when you do it for a long period of time, I am going to try that out on Saturday. It is almost 8 am right now, I am going to drink my protein shake, then shower, then do push ups and pull ups, then meditate. Then I am going to get some things done, such as calling car insurance, calling hospital to reschedule my heart surgery to early April, and check into how I am going to get put on disability while out of work for the surgery. I also have 20 lessons this week, congratulations! Remember, valuable things require development over a long time horizon. 1.14.26 Morning routine goals: Wake up at 7:30am: 1 Make bed: 4 Journal: 75 Brush teeth streak: 77 Floss streak: 13 Shower streak: 48 Meditation streak: 1 Affirmations / Visualizations streak: Hitting on women visualization: 1 "I love having sex with lots of women" affirmation: 1 "I see funniness everywhere" affirmation: 4 "I am independent of the good or bad opinions of others" affirmation: 4 Free Talk exercise (Say anything that comes to your mind): 4 Night time routine goals: Brush teeth streak: 0 Wash face streak: 0 No electronics before bed streak: 0 "Whole day" goals: No porn streak: 4 No ejaculation streak: 4 Eat 150 g of protein streak: 3 No alcohol streak: 76 No smoking weed streak: 31 Weight lifting streak: Monday: Tuesday: Thursday: Friday: As you may have noticed, my main focus right now is figuring out my finances, this is quintessential to releasing the overwhelming feeling that I have towards my life as I HAVE to start living in a surplus before I have any chance of moving out of my mom's house. Spending for January so far: $750 Income for January so far: $51 Ebay $465 Dance studio $511 Dance studio $1,027 Total This means that I am up about $300, which doesn't sound like a lot in terms of savings. How much are you trying to save every month? At least $500, okay lets see how this progresses. Spending habits for past 6 months: August: $2,475 September: $2,402 October: $2,721 November: $2,502 December: $2,522 Income: August: $2,499 Dance studio $700 Camp $240 Private dance lessons $1,024 Substitute teaching Total $4,466 September: $2,022 Dance studio $100 Private dance lessons $2,122 Total October: $2986 Dance studio $140 Private dance lessons $3,126 Total November: $1,971 Dance studio $190 Babysitting $2,161 Total December: $2,631 Dance studio $121 Ebay $200 Housesitting $2,953 Total Current debt left: For Mom: $340 For dad: $680 For debt relief: $685

Interlude: give yourself a pat on the back The amount of times that Ive passed up an invitation to drink alcohol is impressive. This is discipline right here. I have made the vow to myself to not drink and I am staying true to it every step of the way. I have a lot of loose ends that need tying up and I am going to use the hour after my morning routine to get some things done. This is a good idea, although I am sacrificing door dash hours, I have to get my shit together. I also need to ask dance partner #2 if she can move to another time. What are some things that I really need to do tomorrow? Start calling car insurance companies Call health insurance, get member ID number figured out Call hospital and reschedule surgery to as early as March 30th What does the rest of my week look like? Today and I am working all day, building lessons, working on dancing, etc... Tomorrow I am waking up and doing morning routine, taking an hour to do the things listed above and then heading to the gym and then dance practice / work until 10 pm then salsa club until midnight. Don't forget you also need to cook tomorrow! On Friday, morning routine, then work for mom, then head into work, I will hit the gym if I have time. Get a student in on Friday because you figured out the ragdoll. Make it fun for her. Saturday I am going to a birthday party at my best friend's house. It's at 3 pm which means I will do morning routine, then start door dashing. On Sunday, I am going to do morning routine and then head to my dad's house to do work for him. Then I will door dash and then go to friends house for dungeons and dragons. After that, I will need to go home, do laundry, grocery shop and cook my meals for the next 4 days. Sounds good!