Spiritual Warrior

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #163 ~ Sun Jun 7 '26 for month of June 2026 Morning routine: 7:30-8:00 AM: Wake up at 7:30 am: 1/7 Take medication: 6/7 Shower: 6/7 Floss teeth: 6/7 8:00-8:30 AM Meditate: 4/7 Night time routine: 11:00 pm Brush teeth: 6/7 Wash face: 5/7 No electronics: 2/7 Whole day goals: No ejaculation: 5/7 No porn: 3/7 I am starting to think that I should take out showering as I don't need to track that, I do that everyday, without a doubt, I don't really need to track that anymore. This is about building habits, and I don't want to waste unnecessary energy tracking something that doesn't need to be tracked. That leads me to my second thought, I want to take out the no porn counter as Id much rather prioritize continuing to pleasure myself without ejaculation, let's just focus on that for now. It is cool to see the trajectory of this journal. I have claimed down quite a bit. I started off being very motivated and anal about everything and I had so many habits that I was trying to instill all at once. I was also driven crazy by this one girl, I sacrificed all of my authentic desires for her approval. This is very obvious now that I look back at how I was acting. Now I am grappling with the pointlessness of life, it truly is pointless, which makes things confusing because it's like, what do I do now? I can just do anything that I want? Yes.. that's exactly what that means.

Habits and Disciplines Journal Entry #1 Okay, it is 10.29.25 and I have realized that I have no discipline in my life which is setting me back from accomplishing my goals. Listed below are the habits that I would like to integrate as well as the reason for doing so: 1.Read when I get home (no electronics) this is for the purpose of having better sleep. I also have a larger vision of being very well educated, which starts with reading lots of books. Just a little bit every night will go a long ways 2.No sexual stimulation from internet No sexual stimulation from the internet. I see no benefit in watching porn, I have a history of being addicted to it and have therefore had struggles having an erection with a real woman, this is a no brainer. Stop with this nonsense. 3.Workout at gym 3 days a week Workout at the gym 3 days a week. I want to get really fuckin hot, like really fuckin hot. And the best way to do this as a man is to hit the gym and do it in a strategic and intelligent way. I am going to go 3 days a week, I am going to work out my chest on Monday at 11am - 12pm, this will be barbell bench press, dumbbell incline press, and that one with the cable that stretches your chest, it is going to be 4 sets and the first set is a warm up, so 3 real sets. Next is legs, I would like to use the angled leg Press, 4 sets, then the leg extensions, 4 sets, then use a calf machine, 4 sets again, next is back and arms. I want to start doing deadlifts again, I love deadlifts, then a barbell row and then a dumbell row, I really want to get my back jacked for dance. 4 sets of each again and this will be the workout routine for 3 months. Then I will have a de load week, in which I take the whole week off from weight training and I reevaluate how far I've come. I will also need to measure how much protein and carbs and calories that I am in taking and also weight myself on a daily basis so that I can track my progress 4.No ejaculating for 3 years No ejaculating for 3 years. This has to do with my goal of having sexual abundance in my life. I want to have sex with real woman, not with my own hand. Not ejaculating also gives me more energy to shift my focus into other things in life, such as having a bigger impact on people, reading books, meditating and overall being a healthier human that people look up to. I lead with integrity. 5. Approach and hit on 10 women every week for 1 year Approach and hit on 10 women every week, which would equate to 500 women on the year. This would be a great milestone for me and it would make me very proud. This coincides with the goal of wanting to have sexual abundance in my life. I want lots of sex with lots of women. That is what I genuinely want. I don't want to fake that anymore, I want this and therefore I will have it. Thank you God for allowing me to have an abundance of sex with an abundance of women. - Half time: as you can see, we already have an interrelated system at work, the no ejaculation goal supports the hitting on 10 women every week because not ejaculating will give me more motivation and energy and time to hit on several women a week, on the flip side if I hit on 10 women every week, watching porn and ejaculating becomes a lot less appealing, both cogs in the system are supporting each other. Nice job there. - 6. Eat 150 g of protein every single day I have learned that eating a lot of protein is imperative to building lots of muscle. I want to build lots of muscle in order to become the sexiest man I can be. This is required, therefore I have to eat enough protein. 7. Meditate every morning for 30 minutes moving past physical attractiveness, I want to be attractive in a sense that I am magnetic as a human being, people want to be around me, and I also want to be able to stay present and within the moment both for dance and also for the people around me, such as students and friends and family and co workers. The more I meditate, the higher my consciousness grows, and the more I understand the truth of reality, the more I am able to make an impact on the world. Overall, this is mainly for better mood and mental clarity, the motivation is NOT towards enlightenment, although I predict that is what it will turn into 8. Wake up at 7:30 am every day this challenge has two benefits: 1. It is going to build self discipline and character, and 2. I have to wake up that early in order to get everything done that I want to ( I've already mapped out my schedule accordingly) 9. Brush teeth morning and night this is also building self discipline and it is also for the betterment of my hygienic and overall health and well being. I am also a dance instructor, I work very close to people, therefore it is imperative that I have fresh breath. I may even want to pick up a toothbrush and toothpaste and keep it at the dance studio. 10. Floss teeth every morning another habit for self discipline and overall wellbeing 11. Shower and groom hair every morning this is similar to the last two, it is building character to stick to a habit. The main thing that I'm trying to do with this morning routine is that there are no grey areas here - no - I wake up at 7:30 am, I brush my teeth and floss, then I take a shower, then I groom my hair and beard, then I go downstairs and meditate for 30 minutes on the floor, then I do my push ups and pull ups, which is the next thing on this list and there is no wiggle room, there is no being wishy washy, no I am doing this every fucking day, I don't care if I get kidnapped and wake up in Antarctica, no - I am going to follow the same routine no matter what. Fuck variety - life is chock full of surprises, a routine keeps you grounded and focused and stable - this is the true masculine power - to have the self discipline to stick to this routine 12. Do 3 sets of push ups and 3 sets of pull ups every morning again, this is self discipline and it will also have a cumulative effect in turning me into a sexy, attractive man. I am going to make these things happen every single day like clock work. There are no excuses. It is time to start living with integrity and purpose and direction. This is the desire that I have been suppressing and distracting my self from with spiritual pursuits. I don’t really want to be enlightened, at least not yet. I have been using enlightenment as a distraction for many years because hitting on women and developing discipline in life is scarier and more uncomfortable to me than reading spiritual books and meditating. If I do these things, I will become the quintessential model of healthy masculinity. And this is what I truly want. I want to maximize my masculine energy to its absolute full potential. Then once I hit that peak, I will move into something more selfless, such as spiritual enlightenment, or whatever else I want to pursue. I am going to need a checklist that I have to check off every single day. This needs to be made public so that I can feel the embarrassment of missing a day. I want to do this on actualized.org, my favorite forum. Thank you God for allowing me to become aware of my authentic desire of being a vessel of healthy masculinity in this world. Thank you God for allowing me to create sexual abundance in my life. Thank you God for allowing me to create a life filled with love, laughter, joy, purpose, and gratitude. Listed below is my checklist for the first two days of my challenge. 10.31.25 Morning routine goals: Brush teeth Floss Shower Groom hair Eat breakfast Meditate Work out Night time routine goals: Brush teeth Wash face No electronics before bed "Whole day" goals: No porn No ejaculation Eat 150 g of protein Weekly Goals: Weight lift 3 days a week Approach 10 women I did a good job on everything except for no electronics before bed and eating 150 g of protein. I was on my phone before going to sleep and I am going to have to figure out how to incorporate 150 g of protein into my diet. The weekly goals are going to be assessed at the end of the week on Sunday. I am going to actually keep a counter of how many girls I have approached. I would also like to create a counter so that I can keep track of how many days I consecutively stuck to my habit. The higher the number, the more fulfilled I will feel.

"There are two energies inside you: Architect (he) and Mystic (she). He needs to plan; he needs how and why of everything. She just watches things unfold; the universe shows her it's most mysterious and magical depths. She can accept him because human planning is just a small part of universal magic. But he feels threatened by her. So, she is asleep inside you." - Shunya

"Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood and carry water." Enlightenment is not something that is out there and needs to be searched for. It is right here and will always be here. Once you become aware of this Truth, your life will go on as if nothing changed because nothing has changed.

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #90 ~ Sat Jun 6 '26 ~ 9:43 AM Personal Journal People that cannot put their egos to the side disgust me at this point. But of course, I must consider, when do I do this in my own life? I also have a question, I am trying to transcend the ego, correct? But then you have this model of ego development in which what, the ego is being more highly developed or more aware. Then what should I be doing, transcending the ego or making it more mature? I am confused by this. I am also trying to step away from parroting others models, I want to think FOR MYSELF, BY MYSELF. Thats the only way out of the maze. I'd like to watch Leo's videos less. Honestly this spurred by all of the "cult talk" floating around on YouTube and on the forum and since I'm trying to develop independent thinking, it would be wise for me to let go of the content that I view the most in favor of a more diversified palate... And honestly he would probably approve of this. No matter how amazing Leo's teachings are, I am nonetheless in an echo chamber in which I am allowing him and him alone to lead me down this path. I am afraid that inserting myself back into society will deter my spiritual path, I know Gemini has told me not to worry about this and to allow myself to continue to observe what occurs when out in the real world, but it just seems so much easier when I am able to sit at my desk or lay in bed ad contemplate things. I'm not sure how to feel about it. Then again, whats Truthful about feelings. I couldn't count on 10 hands the number of times that I haven't felt like going out and socializing, then I do it and I have an amazing time. Its happening today, actually. Literally almost every social situation I don't want to go to, but I get dragged out and I get invited to a lot of things because I am well liked, people enjoy my company. Now be careful what you do with that statement, don't turn it into an attachment, this is an opinion about yourself and it belongs in the filing cabinet that is ego. It doesn't belong in your True experience of yourself because it is not Self... at all. A Mature Ego is Ready for Death I really want to start taking a look again at ego development. The idea is to develop this "filing cabinet." I like to use a filing cabinet as an analogy for my own ego because its just the perfect analogy. The ego is the filing cabinet itself, this is the structure of the ego. The content is inside of the filing cabinet, and it has a bunch of stuff in there, beliefs, opinions, a self image, my thoughts about others and about myself, a whole slew of things. This filing cabinet needs to be matured, and that is what these ego development models address. The ego's job is to deal with survival, but ideally you are doing this in a mature and healthy way, one thats highly conscious. The reason these models help with that is because it is giving you a road map to what it takes to develop your ego. To mature the ego is to develop it enough so that it is ready to die or to transcend. Maturity is the acceptance of death. To allow death to knock on your door and to say hi to it is the ultimate sign of maturity and that is where you are headed.

This is my first honest attempt at doing spiritual autolysis. This is a method to attaining truth- realization coined by Jed McKenna. "Autolysis" means self-digestion, and "Spiritual" means the level of self that encompasses the mental, physical and emotional aspects. All you really have to do is write the truth. Just write down what you know is true, or what you think is true, and just keeping writing, until you come up with something that is true. Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #1 - Wed Apr 19 '23 - 8:28 AM Lower self: I am a human being. My name is Ben. I know that I am a human being because I was told that I am a human being from my schooling and my parents and everyone else within society. I am told that we as human beings have evolved from chimpanzees or bonobos. Higher self: Okay... do you have any direct experience of yourself as being a human being? Lower self: No... this is just what I have been told. Higher self: Okay... then how do you know that it is true? Lower self: Well... I don't. I am just trusting what other people have told me. Higher self: Okay, then we agree that you do not know for a fact that you are a human being? Lower self: Yes. I agree... My name is Ben though. I was given this name from my parents when I first came out of the womb. Higher self: Have you ever experienced what it means to be Ben? Lower self: Well... I have a bunch of beliefs and pictures in my head that I feel like embody who I, or Ben is as a person, i.e. what Ben is good at, what he's bad at, which people are my best friends, who Ben's family is, etc. Higher self: Okay... Would you agree that these are all just beliefs and pictures in your head, this Ben cannot be a truth within the universe. There is nothing fundamental about it. You do not know what it is like to be Ben. These are all just fictions in your head, beliefs about yourself, there is no being to speak of. Lower self: Yes, I agree. I am starting to see a recurring pattern here. Does the truth lie within being? Higher self: Yes, I think so. Lower self: Well how do you know? Higher self: Well... I don't know, it just seems like the correct way of thinking about things. If all of these beliefs and fictions in our heads are just that, fictions like Pete Ralston has talked about, then how else are we going to come to the truth about things. Lower self: First off, you are putting your faith in Peter Ralston too much. How do you know what he is saying is true? Higher self: You're right, I don't. I want to question what he is saying as well. But... we have already established that there is no inherent truth to the Ben label or the human being label, correct? And this has been established because when we boil down the human being label, this is just a label that other people have come up with in order to label what this species should be called. We call this species human beings. No pure truth to this. Just a label. Same with the beliefs that you hold about Ben, no pure, fundamental truth there either. That is what this work is all about, cutting past all of the bullshit labels and getting to what is truly TRUE. That is what we are after here, and I think this was a good start young Padawan. Lower self: Thank you When will we speak again? Higher self: When you are ready.

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #162 ~ Sat Jun 6 '26 for month of June 2026 Morning routine: 7:30-8:00 AM: Wake up at 7:30 am: 1/6 Take medication: 5/6 Shower: 5/6 Floss teeth: 5/6 8:00-8:30 AM Meditate: 4/6 Night time routine: 11:00 pm Brush teeth: 5/6 Wash face: 4/6 No electronics: 1/6 - really struggling w/ this Whole day goals: No ejaculation: 4/6 - getting much better at this - I can't wait to try this out with an actual partner No porn: 3/6 - really want to get to a point where I don't watch porn at all but still enjoy pleasuring myself, I've made some good progress here so far trust me I love holding myself accountable with this journal, it makes it so that I am very conscious of all of the habits that I would like to instill in my life. The habits are also in place for a specific reason, they're not just there for shits, they are in place for a specific reason which will lead me to reach all of my goals. This dream state is intoxicating and confusing. I can have everything that I want? Really? There are not limitations? That just cannot be. There must be things that I cannot have. Nope. You can have ANYTHING so dream big. I have to see my ex girlfriend later today which is not ideal. I would like to stay away from her today, I don't even want to say hi to her. It is so fuckin' annoying that I have to see this girl on a regular basis (this is not a regular basis, its probably every few months.) But it sucks regardless. I'm going to try to have fun there, but I get so annoyed because everyone else has girlfriends. Why do you care about that? I don't know, I think Im just looking to bitch about something. What are you going to do today? I am going to do my morning routine as I always do, shower, brush teeth, etc. and then meditate. And then I am going to eat my breakfast and start my day which will consist of recording the Bachata videos so that I can cancel it and I won't get charged tomorrow. Then I will leave at 12:30, go to the gym and workout. Then I will order wings and then I will head to my friends house for a party. I'm kind of sick of parties, I'd rather just think about Truth. But heres the thing, socializing keeps me grounded, otherwise I tend to slack off and live in the abstract. But beign around people, dealing with things, this is what keeps your feet on the ground. I really enjoyed seeing everyone from Arthur Murray yesterday, I really do miss everyone there. I say that all I care about is Truth work but its not really true. I want to see how far I can take this career path. I am going to have to bring clothes with me when I leave because I'm staying at my dads house tonight. I'm not really sure if I want to give up porn anymore. But something has clicked in me and I have become masterful at not ejaculating, which is really what I want. The only problem with porn is it scatters my brain, which effects the way I have while out in public. Ideally, it is no porn and no ejaculation while continuing to please myself 3-4 times a week.

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #161 ~ Fri Jun 5 '26 for month of June 2026 Morning routine: 7:30-8:00 AM: Wake up at 7:30 am: 1/5 Take medication: 4/5 Shower: 4/5 Floss teeth: 4/5 8:00-8:30 AM Meditate: 4/5 Night time routine: 11:00 pm Brush teeth: 4/5 Wash face: 4/5 No electronics: 1/5 (I got off at 11:30 pm, which is much better than before) Whole day goals: No ejaculation: 3/5 No porn: 3/5 Things are very messy in my room. I feel stuck. I feel like whatever I do, I just can't get this discipline thing right. I continue to not wake up at the desired time, it is very frustrating. All I have to do is just wake my ass up, its actually not that difficult, but I just lay there for a good hour, sometimes playing on my phone. Its pure laziness and if I can deal with this, I will feel MUCH better about myself. I want structure, I really want structure. There are lots of things that I want in this life, but they require a plan and then the motivation and discipline to carry through with that plan.

I season 1, the main character, Thorfinn has lived his entire life on a path stained in blood as he attempts to avenge his fathers death. He eventually gets his revenge and then he has no idea what to do with himself. He could remain in stage red by making up something else to be mad about and getting revenge on someone else (this would be a toxic life purpose.) Or he could put the violence behind him and move into something more communally-driven. He chooses the ladder. In season two he works on a farm and grows interested in religion. This show resembles a stark transition between stage red into stage blue.

I like that she is in a church at the beginning of the trailer. This would be her trying to transition out of stage red and into stage blue. But unfortunately, it looks like her past has caught up to her.

In the world of vikings, a disgraced warrior has only two options, kill or die.

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #89~ Thu Jun 4 '26 ~ 2:22 PM Where are thoughts located? You put so much stock into them, they must be real, so where are they located? Are they in the brain, are they location-less? Give that some thought. A thought... I am thinking of my co worker. She is laughing, staring straight towards the "camera" the camera is my perspective view of her within this thought. It FEELS like the thought is in my head and I'm controlling the projector. I consciously put this girl onto the projector screen and a picture of her pops up on the screen, so I guess, in my direct experience, a thought is in the head and I'd compare it to a movie theater screen, in which I can see whats playing on the screen as well as hear it. Now whats funny is that I cannot keep that thought going. It always fades and its not by my choosing. Thoughts in general come about completely unconsciously. But we do hold the power to summon up a specific thought and then you can actually hold the concentration onto that thought, which is a meditation technique. What I do know is that everything is perfect as it is because everything is AS IT IS. The idea of mentally masturbating about situationals, especially ones that cause suffering is utter blasphemy. There is no need for that becasue everything has its place. If you made a decision in your past, that was the correct decision precisely because you made it. If you were diagnosed with cancer, then that is exactly what was meant to happen. Also, sometimes a shitty situation can be a blessing in disguise. It might not be exactly what your ego wants, but things always work out one way or another. Start to become conscious of this as you continue down your path. The idea is to simplify your life so that you are not wasting mental energy thinking about this or that. No, everything is already set up for your success in this Enlightenment business. All you have to do is sit there and let the Truth wash over you. Exercise: Write down the thoughts running through your head. (Closing your eyes will help you focus on the thoughts, open them back up to write down the thought, then close them again.) I am breathing My back hurts Ohhh. little ting in my chest Relax the shoulders Lips, a womans lips I want to watch anime, but I should be doing spiritual work Let go Picture of a teddy bear What are the thoughts running through my head? Okay, now... lets take it one stop further... Is a thought a picture or a voice or both? I wish my head wasn't itchy Now just breathe Theres a pulse in my throat *Concern that I'm not doing enough, that I'm being too lazy* "Just relax, its okay" I just farted, thats gross Picture of a girl with blonde hair sitting on a bench Ooooh.. that smells My foot is tapping, stop that It still kind of smells I feel fat when my belly expands, maybe I ate too much food The back of my neck itches, I need to go to the dermatologist Wow, what a fuckin' tyrant my mind is. Jesus christ, can I get a fuckin' break? And the funny thing is, this entity, the ego, the thoughts, whatever you want to call it, it thinks its helping. It really does feel like it is helping me out. Thats just funny, I don't need him at all. And I can't help but feel anger and resentment towards this entity that will not stop worrying about things. Like chill the fuck out. You're fine. Everything is fine. Shut the fuck up. Take a seat, grab a beer and enjoy the view. Jesus. Deconstruct the "Projector Screen": Think back to the image or video of your co worker on the projector screen, where is the screen? Its right in front of my eyes, therefore I can see it. Its weird though because I can see it without actually closing my eyes. Its so freaky. Thats why its imaginary, its not a real picture. But then why and how does it feel real. Like I can actually SEE this woman that I know. I can see her. I could see someone else as well. What is behind the screen? Nothing. Nothing is behind the screen and the picture itself is also made of nothing. Its a hallucination. But what is a hallucination, what does that mean? It means my mind thinks its real but its really not. Any thought is a hallucination because its not real, but the mind thinks it is. Then what is real???? What the fuck is real???? Nothing? I dont know

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #160 ~ Thu Jun 4 '26 for month of June 2026 Morning routine: 7:30-8:00 AM: Wake up at 7:30 am: 1/4 Take medication: 3/4 Shower: 3/4 Floss teeth: 3/4 8:00-8:30 AM Meditate: 3/4 Night time routine: 11:00 pm Brush teeth: 3/4 Wash face: 3/4 No electronics: 1/4 Whole day goals: No ejaculation: 2/4 No porn: 2/4 The dream state character and the spiritual seeker are completely different characters. The ladder is after Truth without a doubt and he is willing to burn everything down if it means getting to Truth. The bomb has been lit and its just a matter of when it is going to go off. The dream state character is attached to thinking and planning. He loves to feel emotions based on experiences and dreams that he has had. He wants the drama, he enjoys it, but he also wants to make a positive impact on the world. And he wants to be viewed as an attractive man.

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #159 ~ Mon Jun 2 '26 for month of June 2026 Morning routine: 7:30-8:00 AM: Take medication: 2/3 Wake up at 7:30 am: 1/3 Shower: 3/3 Floss teeth: 2/3 8:00-8:30 AM Meditate: 3/3 Night time routine: 11:00 pm Brush teeth: 2/3 Wash face: 2/3 No electronics: 1/3 Whole day goals: No ejaculation: 1/3 No porn: 1/3 Yesterday I didn't wake up on time. I just laid there until 10 AM. I'd like to wake up early. It gives me more time in the day to work on what I want to work on. The thing that I've been focusing on recently is becoming aware of what is going on in every moment of every day. Its about having a heightened awareness. One that is able to slow. down time and dissect and digest the moment. What is going on right now? How am I feeling? What am I having for lunch tomorrow? Pasta. There is a fine balance between being nice to yourself and motivating yourself for more. At the end of the day, life is meaningless. There is zero meaning to life, which is why you want to just chill out and enjoy the ride. But at the same time... You do want things, you want to FEEL like a hero. How do I feel like a hero. Every day. You do something that is helpful towards others of course. But then I'd just be stuck in that fantasy, in that reality. Don't you want to stay there? No..... I want to stay here, with you guys. What is it that you want out of this life? I want to be happy and at peace and I want to make all my dreams come true. I want to get amazing at sex. I want to push the bounds when I become intimate with a partner. I want to become enlightened. I want to become the experience of my Maker. I want to realize that I am God. When you say you want things, it comes off as needy. You already are what you are. You just have to remember it. Or become aware of it. But what if you're not God? Isn't it possible for God to be separate from you. What is God? Lets start with that. All you've got are labels so far. You haven't realized shit about God. Okay, Okay, hold on a minute. God is Love. Label. you dont actually know what it is. It doesnt matter what you say, it reaks of dogma. My nostrils flare up when I smell that stench. My job is to become Enlightened. That is all. What does that have to do with God? God is eternal . God is everything. God explains the entire Universe to you. This isn't true though. But who's saying that. Who's saying "This isnt true." Who is saying it. I am . Ben . But ben is separate from You. You are the only letter worth capitalizing. You. Your true nature is the only thing that should be capitalized. You. Focus on You. You are the rest of the world. You are eternal. You are Creator You are Infinite Creation This is what I wanted to experience in this life The ego wants love The ego wants to feel safe and secure The ego wants to chill out The ego wants to be in control The ego doesn't like rest Nothing else matters except Truth I ate two cannabis infused gummies earlier. When I get high my mind cannot sit still. It already struggled with that to begin with, now we've got to add this substance to it. Weed can open my mind though, I had a cool insight earlier while I was pleasuring myself. I started to take my attention away from the computer monitor and into the sensations occurring within my body. This makes for a much more pleasurable experience and it is easier to not keel over and release my semen. I had several very pleasurable mini orgasms that I felt throughout my entire body. These are dry orgasms in which no semen is released from my body, there is an increased heart rate and I can feel a tingling sensation that courses through my body, dispersing energy like a ring or a wave up through my body. The energy is dispersed why way of breathing deeply. I did this for a good hour off and on and then I ended up getting bored so I decided to allow my body to ejaculate. Ejaculation is ALWAYS disappointing. It feels like you are about to go on this amazing roller coaster ride, but then the ride breaks down as soon as you release your semen. And your left with a depleted sex drive, ready for bed. The good news is nowadays, I always ejaculate when I want to, it doesn't happen involuntarily anymore. I have total control over whether or not I ejaculate. Now I just have to end my desire to release the semen.

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #158 ~ Mon Jun 1 '26 Okay, so yesterday was interesting. I had an amazing productive morning and afternooon. I woke up on time, got my habits done, cleaned my room, I was really proud of myself. I then went to watch my cousin play softball, that all went well. Then I had my friends over and watched a movie, that went well, besides the fact that my friend got me some sour patch kids and I made the mistake of opening them and I ate some as well as my friends. This candy is poison. All of our minds significantly dropped in functionality once we ate some candy. The wings and pizza were fine, not an optimal health food of course, but fine compared to the effects of this gooey, sugar coated poison. Its about 6:30 pm once my friends leave and I'm feeling giddy, like I just want to kick my feet up and relax. I have an urge to masturbate, not because I'm turned on but because I'm bored, very bored. There are two different ways that I masturbate, one is a holistic way in which I stimulate my entire body and try to last as long as possible. This is a healthy masturbation session. The other way that I masturbate is not so healthy. I will scroll through porn with all of my attention on my genitals, I don't circulate the energy through my body, I keep it right in my genitals, it doesn't go anywhere else. The key to lasting a while during masturbating or sex is to engage the muscles around the entire body while simultaneously "sipping" the energy up from your genital area up your spine and then into your head, this can give you full body and multiple orgasms, which I have experienced. Its not as explosive, but much more holistic and I'm also just scratching the surface of this superpower. My goal is to last over 20 minutes at a time, enjoying several full body orgasms without ejaculating. Right now, I can last about 5-7 minutes. Anyways, I masturbate to porn and ejaculate, which are both things that I'm trying to kick and now I feel zapped of my energy. The rest of the night is a blur, I watch crappy things on YouTube, I watched a movie, I ate more candy, I ate some pizza, and then I capped the night off by watching Leo's video with the Demystify podcast, this got me back into a pursuing Truth mindset, which was great, its funny how a little spirituality content can get me right back on track with the things that are most important to me. I then made a spiritual autolysis journal, contemplating why Truth must exist, and I also journaled about how to the dream state character a.k.a the ego operates. So lots of positives from the day, but wouldn't it be nice if I was just productive all day and didn't engage in these silly habits? Yeah that'd be great and guess what, thats what we're working towards. Morning routine: 7:30-8:00 AM: Take medication: 1/2 Wake up at 7:30 am: 1/2 Shower: 2/2 Groom hair: 2/2 Groom beard: 2/2 Brush teeth: 2/2 Floss teeth: 2/2 8:00-8:30 AM Meditate: 2/2 Night time routine: 11:00 pm Brush teeth: 1/2 Wash face: 1/2 No electronics: 0/2 Whole day goals: No ejaculation: 1/2 No porn: 1/2 Already, my mind is clamoring for something fun and exciting, and my energy is so low because I ejaculated twice yesterday. This is one thing that I do miss about going to work. It kept me honest, I could never ejaculate multiple days in a row because I would be so timid and off as an instrctor when I went into work. I've had experiences in which I've lasted 30 + days without ejaculation and the amount of energy that I had through that process was incredible. I want to get back to that, it would do wonders for me. Now, I will say that when I was going through those streaks, I wasn't watching any porn and I wasn't masturbating at all. This is where the disconnect is. I want to develop an ability to control and circulate my sexual energy and unfortunately this requires me to practice pleasuring myself. So in order to have both, I'm going to have to pleasure myself without the use of porn and without ejaculating, which will be a great test for me. I will make it to the other side, I promise you that. I owe it to Ben. I want him to be magnificent. I was talking to Gemini and he's got a nice plan for me moving forward, there are 6 things that I'm mainly focusing on right now: Saving money Getting shredded Successful dance instructor Truth Realized Well educated Sexual Kung Fu King This is too much to work on all at once so we decided that we're going to split it up into 2 month increments, spanning over 6 months. Month 1-2: The Foundation (June & July) Saving Money & Getting Shredded - Lock in the non-negotiables. Get back into your lifting rhythm, dial in the macro meal preps, and establish your basic financial baseline before you return to work. Month 3-4: The Expansion (August & September) Dance Instructor success and sexual energy: Once the physical and financial routines are automatic (coasting), channel that high physical energy into channeling intimacy and mapping out your students' long-term progression. Month 5-6: The Transcendence (October & November) Truth Realization & higher education: With your external world highly organized and disciplined, your mind will naturally quiet down, giving you the focus required for deep contemplative work without the anxiety of messy logistics.

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #88~ Mon Jun 1 '26 ~ 2:35 AM Truth Must Exist Truth must exist. It just has to exist. But why though? Why can't there be no Truth to the universe, why can't it just be what it is without any inheritent truth whatsoever. Well, you have this thing, right? This thing, which is reality, thats what we're talking about here, this thing is a thing. How do you describe this thing? how would you describe reality? Try to describe it. I can't. Its too complex. And the reality is subjective, I'd be giving you my take on what reality is for ME, this finite being. Right, but its a thing, without your subjectivity, reality is something, is it not? I mean yeah reality would be here even if I wasn't perceiving it. Do you know that for sure though? No, I guess I'm just assuming. I mean when I'm sleeping, there is no reality. But in reality, there actually is because theres no lapse in my awareness. When I go to sleep, like when I actually fall asleep and lose consciousness, the next thing I experience is either a dream and then I wake up, or I just wake up in my bed. So theres no lapse in my experience of reality actually. I think thats the problem. I keep saying that reality is something out there, like its this material thing, but in reality, reality is right here, its right in front me and it can be explained by the sole fact that I am aware, I am conscious, I am present, I am here. Okay, good job. Now, what is reality, explain it to me. Reality is being aware, its being conscious, its this space in which a human being is able to be aware of what is going on around him. Its the little pocket that comes before the experience happens. And its sooooo damn slippery. Its so hard to grasp onto, but what is there to even grasp. Maybe I need to let go of the desire to grasp onto something, thats the mind trying to hold onto it. Its right there, just become aware of it. Go ahead, just do it... Much easier said than done. This is challenging work but I do feel the progress. Lets go back to the original question, so we understand that reality is right here, its whats right in front of me, and its not the content of whats going on in this persons experience, its the structure behind it, whatever the fuck that is. Its this little pocket that is very difficult to become aware of because of how often our minds are spewing out thoughts. Thats why meditation is so crucial. But yeah back to Truth, why does there have be Truth in this universe? Because again, reality is a thing, and for a thing to be a thing, it has to be made up of something that is true. For something to like really exist, which reality does, it exists, I am experiencing it. And as a matter of fact, reality is all that there is. I have no evidence that reality will end. Therefore itll go on forever and ever and ever. Now this reality that we're talking about, it is a real thing, its actually as real as it gets, you can't go any deeper, I know this, I've experienced it. If this right here is the real deal, then it has to have a true essence. What is that true essence, what is the True essence of reality itself. Its just awareness. I might thats it, thats what reality is. Its awareness. Everything is made up of awareness.... Hold on a minute.. I am looking at a statue of a duck right now, I am aware of whats going on, this is what reality is made up of... and its all that reality is made up of, therefore, that little statue is made up of awareness. But how does that make sense? I am staring at a physical object. A physical object that I can touch. Its a real thing. Yeah of course its a real thing, but is it a duck? NO of fuckin' course not, you made that label up, its not a duck thats just a fuckin word. But I dont understand how a physcial object can be made up of awareness. What else would it be made up of? You just said that reality is pure ever lasting awareness. Thats reality. That duck is within reality, therefore the duck is awareness. It was created out of awareness. And it exists in awareness and as awareness. See this is boggling my mind, how can I look at an object and say thats just made up of awareness. And what even is awareness. Awareness is what makes up the entire universe. Its what I'm experiencing right now. Do you think this actually a hand thats typing on the keyboard. What the fuck is a hand? That word has no metaphysical meaning to it whatsoever. Okay, well then Mr. Smarty Pants, what kind of metaphysical meaning does awareness. Ahhh... good question, it depends how you take it, if you take the word awareness at face value, yes its just a label exactly like the word "hand," but I am using awareness to point towards something. This something that I'm pointing towards is the make up of reality. But I can't explain it using labels. Do you see that? YOU have to become directly conscious of this awareness that I'm referring to and then you will realize that all of reality is made up of this one thing, which is pure awareness. And by the way, there are many names for this thing that I'm talking about, you could call it consciousness or nothingness, it doesn't even really matter, what matters is what the word is pointing towards. Sit on that for a little bit. The Ego (or the Dream State Character) It is important to go out into the real world because this is where your ego is going to show you his hand. Your job in this work is to become aware, to become more and more and more aware until the Truth slaps you in the fuckin' face. In order to do that, you need to see whats in the filing cabinet. What is the ego hiding in there. What is he made of, what makes him tick, what are his deepest and darkest secrets, what are his triggers, what are his fantasies, what does he want. Don't judge him, just experience him fully. And by the way, you are not in control of him. He is going to do what he does. So sit back and enjoy the show. There is a split within my mind: There is Ben, the clumsy, error- prone character who fucks up all the time and makes a fool of himself There is the Protector, the wise and vigilant manager who has to micro manage Ben so that he survives the dance studio, doesn't look stupid in front of girls and pays the rent But don't you see, these two sides of Ben are two sides of the same coin. It is the same ego, it is the same dream character, these are just thoughts, but they are complex and intertwined thoughts and they're more than that, they are an identity. Ben is dumb and clumsy but this is just one bundle of a self image. Theres another way in which he is cool and funny and competent. I feel that way sometimes, or he feels that way sometimes. And then you have this Protector, who feels different than the characters I just explained. It feels like he is on a higher plane, he's watching Ben, he's judging Ben, he's protecting Ben, making sure that theres a filter on before he speaks, making sure that he gets what he wants, making sure that people think highly of him. But this Ben isn't on a higher plane at all, its just more of the same, its another "thought bundle" but this one is judgemental as fuck. Its all the ego, and its not Truth. The ego is trying to play God here when he is in "Protector" mode, but theres nothing he can even control. The protector might as well just sit back, grab some popcorn and enjoy the show that is Ben's life. But of course, he can't just sit back because he is just a thought, he is not Truth, therefore he is not real. The entity that can sit back and enjoy the show is the True self and he is this vast open awareness. It is the True self that would actually be looking at the Protector and observing what The Protector is doing. And the Protector and Clumsy Ben belong in a filing cabinet that makes up the ego. This filing cabinet is what I call the ego, or the self- image. There is NOTHING inherently True about it. It is just a hunch, a way for Ben to feel safe and grounded. Will this filing cabinet disappear once Ben becomes Enlightened? No, of course not. The filing cabinet will always be there. But Ben's perception of the filing cabinet will change, he will realize that he is not the filing cabinet at all, the filing cabinet is just a collection of thoughts. Truth Cannot be Communicated This is real spiritual work right here. Spiritual autolysis is a messy process. Writing down what's true is not easy because it's quite literally impossible. The best you can do is write something down that points towards the Truth, but you will never write anything down that is inherently True in it of itself, because Truth is beyond labels and beyond beliefs. And all forms of communication are labels and beliefs and models. They can be useful in pointing you towards an experience, but in it of itself they are useless. Ego Development Now that we're talking about ego development, let's take a quick look at Susan Cook Greuters model of ego development. There is a whole field that is dedicated to this work of developmental psychology that discusses how an ego develops over time. I am well versed in the Spiral Dynamics model and now it's time for me to take a look at Greatur's model. First we have the preconvential section, which is self- centric and is characterized by linear reasoning. Next, we move into the conventional stage in which knowledge based ego starts to develop. The ego is now capable of doing much more than linear reasoning, it is now capable of discovering patterns, looking forward and backwards in time, it is able to know and do more than it could at the pre conventional stage. This stage is comprised of being group-centric, skill-centric and then self- determining before moving into the post conventional stage. Next is the post conventional stage and the transcendent stage which is characterized by real wisdom. An ego at this stage is able to self reflect, understand his or her own biases, it starts to see things with much more depth, it is able to think in terms of systems, and is able to strip away illusions. Within this category are the self questioning, self actualizing, construct- aware and unitive stages. I am the empty void of Nothingness I am quite literally the only person on this desolate planet. Every image inside of my head about my friends and family, all bullshit, not true. I am the only person here. But I'm not a person, I am beyond labels. I have no memory, I have no friends, I have no family, I have no brain, I have to no body, I am nothing but an empty vast space of pure awareness. This is what my true nature is. Let go of the ego, let go of the self image, let go of everything that you hold near and dear and you will realize that you are the one thing that the entire universe is made up of. This must be true because reality only has one Truth, it is made up of one substance and this substance cannot be communicated, but in order to point yourself into the right direction, we're going to call it pure awareness. Pure Awareness is that there is and is all that you are, all that I am. As soon as you start searching for Truth, you are lost. Truth cannot be found because it is already there, it has always been there and always will be. Do not search for Truth. Simply allow Truth to be perceived in your direct experience. Truth does not lie. Truth does not hide itself from you. As a matter of fact, it has no where to hide. It is very important for me to start vocalizing that I DO NOT KNOW TRUTH. What I am doing here is merely attempting to discover what is true by ways of writing down what I believe is true. I do not know what Truth is. I don't. The fact that I am judging others for not pursuing Truth is utter blasphemy when I do not know Truth at all. I haven't even discovered a sliver of Truth. You either have it or you don't. And I don't have it.

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #157 ~ Sun May 31 '26 Okay so its Sunday May 31, 2026 and this is the first day of the second attempt at using this journal to develop habits and disciplines that last and will make my life more organized and therefore more effective at impacting others and discovering Truth. This morning, I woke up from my slumber and my phone was dead so my alarm didn't go off. I'm laying there with full knowledge that I'm trying to wake up at 7:30 am every morning from now on, but I do not want to get out of bed. This happens a lot. I must have laid there for a good 40 minutes. I finally decide to get up and I head to the bathroom. Theres a clock in there above the toilet and I take a look at it to see what the damage is and to be surprise, its 7:31 am. Its funny how things work out sometimes. I plan on showering but I just really don't want to, I feel so tired, the last thing I want to do is get wet so I go downstairs to make myself some black tea. I bring the tea back upstairs and now I'm ready to get in the shower. The goal here is to be done by 8 am. I get in the shower and I complete all of my necessary routines, I comb my hair, oil my beard, and brush and floss my teeth - all by 8:00 am. So I succeeded on day one. Then I sit on my bed and I meditate for 20 minutes. And there you go, I finished my morning routine in a timely fashion on day one. Great job! Morning routine: 7:30-8:00 AM: Wake up at 7:30 am: 1/1 Shower: 1/1 Groom hair: 1/1 Groom beard: 1/1 Brush teeth: 1/1 Floss teeth: 1/1 8:00-8:30 AM Meditate: 1/1 And thats it for the morning routine. This is really nice honestly, I think I can definitely do this, its going to take some discipline but these are the kind of habits that set your day up for success without overwhelming you. After this morning routine, I started cleaning my room and I put some laundry in, which I should check in on now. I also went to the police station to drop off unused medication, went to the drug store to get baby aspirin, and I talked to my dad. This has been an incredibly productive day and I feel great. Now, its 10:36 AM and I am going to my cousins softball game which is 45 minutes away and at 1 o'clock. I would also like to stop by a tattoo shop and talk to them a little bit about the tattoo that I want and tell them that I'm on blood thinners. That reminds me, I have to move my doctors appointment with my cardiologist so that I don't have to miss work. So anyways, I have 1 hour left for my clothes to be done in the dryer, then I am going to put them away and then leave for the tattoo shop. I will leave by 12 pm and go straight to the tattoo place. Then I'll head to the softball game, then I'll make sure that I leave there by 2:50 because I'm having my friends over at 4. Lots of moving parts. Okay, next thing, at night, I would really like to have a routine of brush teeth, wash face, no electronics before 11pm. I think thats fair and this combined with the morning routine is sufficient for now to focus on. So ideally, once 11 o'clock hits, I go into the bathroom, brush my teeth, wash my face, and then head to bed, you can set the alarm but NO MORE using your phone, the phone goes away and just take out a book and allow it to make your eyes tired. Night time routine: 11:00 pm Brush teeth: Wash face: No electronics: One thing that I do struggle with is I have a lot of things that I want to do and master, this causes me to feel overwhelmed and its like should I journal about students and their needs and lesson plan, should I do Truth work and journal some more, should I read a spiritual book, should I work on choreography.... AHHHH I DON'T KNOW! You see, its great to have a lot things that I'm working on, the mastery process is never ending, but how do I make sure that I'm not overwhelmed, how do I have clarity and confidence in the things that I'm doing. Lets take a look at everything that you're pursuing right now: Tattoos - I want to start the process of getting tattoos - this requires me to start going to tattoo shops and getting consultations - I also have to talk to my doctor to see if what he thinks as I am on blood thinners My dance job - there are several things to focus on at work, I have to develop choreography, I have numerous projects that I'm working on with students and each one is different, I have to develop lesson plans for my students, then there is also certification I will need to start door dashing as soon as I move out because I will need the extra income Buying a new car - one that has good mileage, then I can give dad his car back Saving money Working out - getting a shredded physique Doing laundry every weekend Washing sheets every weekend Reading spiritual books As you can see, there are so many fuckin' things to work on, it boggles my mind and I don't think that I can handle it... And I'm not even back at work yet, I have all of the time in the world right now and I'm still feeling overwhelmed with everything that I want to do. Here's the thing though, these things that you are pursuing have been constructed by you, you do not have to do any of them, you could drop buying a new car, although that doesn't sound wise, you could drop getting tattoos, that probably does sound wise honestly, why don't we get these other things figured out first before jumping into tattoos. Tattoos are fun, but you don't have your necessities down, your room is messy a good amount of the time, you don't have good habits yet, why would you get a tattoo right now? You're right, some of these things need to come later. What would be nice is if I had a set time to work on things, so like I know that I'm going to put in 2 hours a week on Truth work and I know that I am going to meet up with my friends for this many hours, etc. Then I decide what I'm gonna do and then execute it. And if I have to readjust then of course I will. I'd like to have a way to have things planned out for the next 6 months so that I know exactly what I'm doing and then have a way of tracking that progress because things never go perfectly. But if I have things planned out that far in advance, I don't have to waste energy in real time thinking about it, I can just execute. That is what I want to do. I want my students to have a 6 month plan in which I know exactly what I want to do with them. You plan it out immediately and for as long as time will allow. I also want a plan for myself for lifting weights and getting shredded. Lets write down EVERYTHING that is important to you right now: Saving money Getting shredded and jacked Successful dance instructor Truth realized Well educated Full body orgasms while having sex Those are the 6 major things that I'm working on. If I can develop a 6 month plan for myself to make progress in these 6 areas, that's all you can really ask for. I would really like to add one whole day goal, which is no ejaculation. I have gained so much energy through the work here, you've also got to understand, this isn't really a streak journal, its a way to track how many times a month I can accomplish this habit. I know I'm not going to be perfect, this is a way to track progress and growth. Stop stressing yourself out, you're doing great, lets progress at the proper speed for you. Whole day goals: No ejaculation: 0/1 No porn: 0/1

Hi all, Im stuck on something in my contemplation work and Im wondering if you guys can help me. So I understand that to experience an insight, it must start with a state of not-knowing. This requires me to experience what something is without any thoughts or beliefs about it. For example, I feel an itch on the back of my head, if I can experience the itch itself without thinking about it, this is accessing a state of not knowing because if I can experience the itch fully without any beliefs about it, then I have to admit that I really don't know what the itch is. And I get that and I am getting glimpses of that. But now, lets take this experience to a concept, for example, spiral dynamics. The model of spiral dynamics is this web of ideas and thoughts that are all connected together and if you study it enough, you are able to connect all of the ideas inside of your own head. Now, this model is already a bunch of thoughts and ideas so how on Earth do I simply experience this for what it is when its already conceptual in nature? I am having a hard time wrapping my little brain around that. Please help

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #156 Okay so I really need 2 journals on here, one for my dream state character, who I really do care about and who wants a lot of things in this material world before truly transcending into the infinite. I've been spending so much time on my spiritual work that I haven't really been paying attention to this dream world character that quite frankly is not ready to transcend this world at all. I wish he was, but every time I make progress on the spiritual front, I hurtle back down to the ground with an ego backlash. He's just not ready, he's too immature, and he has no discipline. That's what this journal is going to address, discipline and habits. When I started journal back in October of last year, I really wanted to make it work and my strategy to make it work was to grind and brute force my way through everything. This was not sustainable as it become draining and frustrating. There were many highlights from the experience though, the appearance of my physique quickly improved, I was meditating more often, I stopped drinking for 6 months, I wasn't using my phone before bed, and I was watching a lot less porn. The reason I stopped with this journal is I had a heart surgery at the end of April so by like mid March, I was pretty checked out because it just felt like everything I was building towards was going to be for nothing because I would be bed ridden for several weeks and there's nothing I could do about it. I'm hurtling towards this thing and I can't get off the ride and I know it's gonna crash. It was a strange feeling of limbo, and there was really nothing I could do about it except try to continue to build momentum for myself which would probably help me once I got back from recovering but it was difficult to keep the internal motivation. Now that I'm almost 5 weeks out of recovery from surgery, I'm starting to get back to life as usual. I have lost A LOT of muscles, my physique does not look attractive anymore. My pecs are completely gone, and overall I just don't have that athletic build that I used to have. You see, this dream state character wants things, he wants to become an amazing dancer, he wants an attractive physique, he wants a little house that's tucked away in the woods, he wants to enjoy company with friends and family, he wants to be well educated, and he wants to understand Truth. My job with this journal is to create a habit list that is going to hold him accountable and make it possible for him to accomplish his goals. What are some of the habits that you had been using before? Morning routine: Wake up at 7:30 am Meditate Shower Groom hair and beard Brush teeth Floss The idea is that this is all taken care of in 30 minutes. The idea is to be timely, very timely so that everything eventually just flows seamlessly from one habit to the next. This was very difficult for me to implement as my mind loves to be undisciplined, it doesn't like it when I give it restrictions. For example, my mind will have an urge to do a fantasy football draft at 7:30 am, as soon as I wake up. Now, I know I made a vow to get my ass out of bed at 7:30, but the mind feels too powerful and it overrides my desire to get out of bed and shower. Whole day goals: No porn No ejaculation No weed Weekly goals: Do laundry Work out 3 times / week Meal prep 2x a week

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #87 ~ Fri May 29 '26 ~ 2:46 PM Ive been off from work for the past 4.5 weeks after having open heart surgery. My life has been filled with reading spiritual books, journaling, taking naps, relaxing, and contemplating. Through this process, I've been able to catch glimpses of enlightenment. I have noticed that there is no boundary between myself and the object that I am perceiving (this only lasts a few seconds.) I have also been able to perceive my own self image as a filing cabinet. This filing cabinet is filled with files. The filing cabinet nor the files inside of it are my True Self, it has been constructed by me in order to create groundedness in my perception of reality. What I truly am is a vast and open nothingness, which I have again been able to glimpse for a few moments. I went back into work today just to visit and holy shit, I am sucked right back into a thought - induced state filled with anxiety and mental chatter. It feels a little bit better I guess, I mean I am able to create more separation between myself and my thoughts as I'm able to just observe things (at times), but this was very eye opening. This Enlightenment business is going to become 20x more difficult when I'm back working full time. The only reason I've been able to catch glimpses of it is because I haven't had to work at all for the past 4 weeks. When I go back to work, I'll be busy as fuck with students and other dance ventures, and I am going to get sucked right back into all of the social games that Ben loves to play. Things are going to be more challenging for me on the spiritual front when I go back to work and there's no doubt about it. But I need to go back to work, I have to make money ( I also want to, I do love dancing and I love my students, I love the environment, I love everything about it, but I want to do this job while being enlightened. But I need space away from what I love in order to become enlightened, that's the paradox of it.) so I'm going to have to find a way to pursue both when I do go back to work. My job for the next 3 weeks is to set my life up so that it's organized enough to be successful at my job while being able to spend the necessary time (even if its just 20-30 minutes a day) on the spiritual work. My take on actualized.org is as follows: Leo has done an incredible job of developing a catalog of videos that help the average person contemplate what the True nature of reality is. Listening to one of his videos opens my mind in a way that allows for the capacity for genuine insight. His book list is top notch, I'd say it's even more valuable than the videos, every one of these 5 star books have made a profound impact on my life. Overall, this place has done wonders for my spiritual and personal growth. As I transition myself into a new chapter of independent thinking, I look forward to using his content as a vehicle to open the mind, I am no longer going to take his content in like a sponge. I use the experience of listening to a video as a way for my mind to start getting into a state of not knowing in which there can be genuine insight into the Truth of reality. Now, let's get to how I feel about the forum. I've been on here for at least 2 years. At first, I was very nervous and insecure being on here, I didn't post much and when I did, I was very anxious about it. Eventually, I started posting things regularly and I'm very proud of myself that I was able to summon the courage to do this and now I'm at over 1,000 posts, I'm a veteran on here. With that being said, I have found very little impact on me when it comes to posting on the community forum. I remember getting some good advice about going out and salsa dancing, I remember getting praise for a post I wrote about burning through karma, and I got to practice my spiral dynamics understanding but beyond that, Ive gotten next to nothing as far as impact on my personal growth. I don't know if it's the way this whole thing is set up or it's the people on it or maybe my expectations are way too high. I think I look at how high quality the actualized.org catalog is and I think the forum will give me just as much value but honestly I think I've wasted a lot of time on here. This sounds silly to say because I waste 10x and maybe even 100x as much time on apps like Instagram and YouTube and I really need to start taking a good hard look at that, but nonetheless I have wasted time on here with very little to show for it. The only that is worthwhile to do on here is post my journal entries. I have a spiritual autolysis journal in which I journal about what is truth in a way that digests the self until there is no self left. The work in that journal can be exhilarating. The second journal focuses on the habits and the Disciplines that will be required in order for Ben ( my dream character) to accomplish all of his goals.

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #86 ~ Wed May 27 '26 ~ 10:08 AM I don't see ANYONE on this forum waking up. Very few people make profound posts or are actually putting in the work to get out of this dream. Ya'll are fooling yourselves and I mean anyone can live their lives however they want, but God damn, isn't that what this forum should be about is waking up at all fuckin' costs???? I mean nothing else should matter but waking up. Get off your ass and do the work. Its actually really simple. I never said it was easy, but it is simple. WRITE DOWN SOMETHING THATS TRUE. Keep at it until you are DONE. That is the process. It doesn't help me at all to read things on this forum. Its all a distraction. I am alone in this work and I know it. And I wouldn't have it any other way. It is actually the only way because you are your own authority. Everything that you find in Truth work needs to come from YOU. It cannot be a belief or an idea or religious dogma. No, YOU need to have a direct experience of what is true. It is the ONLY WAY. Its too much responsibility to accept that you are the ultimate authority. If you say another source is credible or True, you are putting the authority of that thing on top of yourself. This is your choice. You put your authority into and onto whatever you choose. I am choosing to put the authority unto me, I am going to decide what I do, I am going to decide whats right and wrong in a relative sense, I am going to EXPERIENCE what is True. I am my own authority when it comes to Truth. Its the only way to actually experience it. You actually start out life as your own authority, as a baby and toddler, you are your own authority, but as we get older we start giving our authority away to parents, teachers, celebrities, politicians, you name it. And then boom, all autonomy is lost and its now in the hands of people that have no fuckin' clue whats going on. They're not thinking for themselves, they're relying on others authority and its an endless cycle of ignorance and brainwashed people. I mean its kind of sweet, we're all in this comfort bubble of lies. But hey, we're all in it together, that is until someone breaks out of the bubble and is able to look at what the bubble really is. He is able to observe what is going on in the bubble. And what he sees is so simple and its been there all along. After he wakes up, he says to himself "Of course, of course it is this way, how could it be any other way?" I see my ego sometimes puffing its chest out, flaunting his spiritual dominance over the rest of the people. This makes me cringe but at least I'm noticing it. I become arrogant sometimes as I've made real progress on the spiritual path over these past few weeks. Of course, what I've been experienced so far is NOTHING compared to what is coming around the corner and I know that. I look forward to it but I am also scared. What I have experienced so far are glimpses to awakening, but I am still in a DEEP SLEEP, I've just peeled back the curtain a couple of inches. The Gnat in my head I describe the voice in my head like a gat. This gnat cannot be tamed, it roams wild and free inside of my mind. I used to try to not listen to him out of spite because hes so damn annoying and needy and he will never relax. Its honestly ridiculous. But... he is doing his job, he is keeping me alive, or at least he believes he is. The idea is to allow the gnat to do his thing, don't be affected by the gnat, he does not dictate your life, I can do whatever I want whenever I want, independent of what the gnat is doing. He will do what he does, allow him to BE. The Gnat is my father The very interesting thing about this analogy is there is a DIRECT correlation between this gnat and my father. My believes that by throwing everything that hes anxious about on top of he belieeves that he is helping me with my survival. Of course, he is in a sense, for example, he helps me with the maintenance on my car (I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to maintaining a car) But then he will go overboard ad micromanage me and ask me if I've done certain things and thats where he oversteps his boundaries in my opinion. Anyways, the way to deal with him is to just observe his actions. He will always be anxious and needy, this is just in his nature. I feel bad or him, but hey hes alive and he enjoys life, he could enjoy it much more if he would learn to meditate and to observe his own mind, but this path isn't for everyone. Your job is to treat him like a little gnat, understand that he cannot control himself. Give him love, observe what hes doing and don't react emotionally to him, just observe. If you can of course. The thing I don't want you to do is suppress your emotions. Allow the emotions to run through you and if they compel you to say something, go ahead and say it. I am changing every single day, learning so much about myself and about the world. I am creating connections, understanding Truth, reading books, developing healthier relationships, stacking money, creating strategic ways of getting what Ben wants out of life. What I'm most impressed by is my ability to observe whats going on in my own psyche. That is the key, to be mindful at all times, no matter what I'm doing. One thing that I'm observing right now is my voice is saying taht I don't deserve the money that I'm getting. I can feel and see a roadblock there, as if theres a limitation to the financial abundance that I experience. I feel like I may be attached to the identity of being broke. Thats why I've been broke for so long with no way out. How am I going to grapple with this and get out of this hole that I've created and WHY on Earth do I feel like I don't deserve it? Harry Styles dreaming that he is acting on set of his own music video. The characters here are dream characters. Is anyone on here awake, meaning aware that they are dreaming? I mean we wouldn't know would we? All we're seeing is appearance. And appearance as we know is false. I don't see a single journal on this forum actually engaging in getting out of this dream that we're in. You guys aren't doing shit. You're allowing your minds to vomit words onto the computer. Are you even aware of what you're saying? Do you have any real desire to discover Truth or are you content parroting someone else's beliefs. Funny, I am frustrated about this because my ego wants something to become upset about so that he feels a sense of purpose. What does it matter that other people aren't doing a Spiritual Autolysis journal? What the fuck do I care? SPOILER ALERT: It's like the movie momento, the main character in the movie is searching for the killer of his wife. You're rooting for him the entire time, you think he's this hero that is avenging his beloved. But what you learn at the end of the film is that he had already found and killed the killer of his wife, he even got it tattooed on his chest, "I did it" you also learn that his wife wasn't dead after the assault, she survived past that. He found the person that assaulted her while she was alive and killed him. Now here's where things get murky. He claims that he has short term memory loss from getting hit on the head during the assault of his wife, so he can't make new memories. Is this true, I have no idea, let's just say yes for now. He puts too much insulin in his wife because his memory is shot and that's what actually kills her. He killed his own wife. He is then in an insane asylum because of the short term memory loss but he escapes. That's when he starts again going after the killer of his wife. He finds another guy that he thinks is the killer and kills him. He has already killed the assaulter of his wife and he is now killing a second person because he "can't remember" killing the actual assaulter. Then, we get a glimpse as to what is going on in this mans crazy brain. After killing this guy, leonard denies that this was the guy that really assaulted his wife, and his friend who led him to him tells leonard that's what he said last time and that he's already killed the right guy, this is just another guy and he had hoped it would satisfy leonard but it did not. Leonard doesn't want to deal with this truth, so he decides to make himself track down the friend so that he can kill him. He leaves notes for himself that will lead him to believe that the friend is the assaulter of his wife. The notes are necessary because of the short term memory loss, he will not remember himself planning to kill his friend, he will have to solve the puzzle. What a manipulative fuck this guy is. And I was tricked into rooting for him throughout the movie. This man did not want to admit the truth to himself, so he concocted a story so that he could have purpose in life. Otherwise, for him there would be no reason to live. This is ego run a muck. This is a highly underdeveloped ego that is barbaric and primitive in nature, at a consciousness level below 100, which is barely human.

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #85 ~ Mon May 25 '26 ~ 8:06 AM I had an experience last night in which I realized that the book in front of me does not feel separate from me. The mind is talking to me, telling me that this body is separate from the book, but then I look deeper or with another lens and I can feel that there is NOTHING in between me and the book, there is no boundary, no line. I have unlocked this ability to disregard the mind and feel what is correct, that is what I am accessing here, this is the "other lens" that I'm talking about. These moments are exhilarating, but they do not last very long, a few seconds at most. I'd love to learn how to sustain them for a longer period of time. I had another breakthrough. I'm up in Vermont visiting my Aunt, driving around this quiet town and it dawns on me that I am everything that I am seeing in front of me right now. This self image is stored in a filing cabinet somewhere. All of my desires are stored in a filing cabinet, with all of my friends, family, and all of societal history. I am starting to actually experience what is REAL. Now, how far does this go? And how much more can I take? I don't know if I can handle more Truth. Its exhilarating but at the same time, I don't want to lose the paradigm that I was viewing reality from. Then again, what choice do I have? I've already chosen this path... I hope I don't regret it. Then again, thats just the mind living out of fear. And of course I want this, there is nothing that excites me more than actually taking the quantum leap into nondual awareness. So no, I don't want to be a human being anymore. I want to operate outside of this human body, as the observer of the great drama that is my life. The mind will continue to create distance, categorize and protect this character. And try not to hold onto the moment of nondual awareness, this is the minds way of trying to capture the moment as a spiritual trophy. The Absolute is the death of separate self. Separate self equates to eternal unity, eternal unity is Truth. Everything is united as One. This is not an ability that you have unlocked in your psyche, what you are discovering is the true nature of Reality. Its right here and its always been here. Just WAKE UP. See reality AS IT IS. You don't have superpowers, you are just discovering whats been right under your nose the whole time. Now, you will feel lonely at times in this mind-state, or maybe not, I'm honestly not sure. And maybe I won't even care to know if I feel lonely or not. Because the only one capable of feeling lonely is the separate self and he is not who I truly am. Next, turn your awareness from the objects of your awareness to the shift itself. Instead of trying to access the experience of unity again, try to become aware of the mechanism that caused this experience of union in the first place. What lens are you looking out of? Are you putting on super-powered glasses? Is God floating down from heaven and giving you the holiest of blow jobs which creates an orgasmic experience of union? Who the hell know, try to figure it out. Are boundaries just thoughts? Yes, yes they are. Therefore, they're not real. Not real whatsoever. Take a look at this truly and you will see that its true. You know what, I've been at this shit for YEARS, YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS. And I can finally say that the hard work that I've been putting in has finally paid off. I am starting to ACTUALLY experience the shit that Leo talks about. And theres no funny business going on. These aren't beliefs or ideologies or dogma. No, I am directly experience a state of union. And I am directly experiencing a state of no self and non-duality. They are glimpses of course. I AM NOT spiritually awake yet, but I can feel it is right around the corner. Do you remember that intimacy that I was craving for a while back? Maybe the intimacy that I attracted into my life was an intimate connection with reality itself, not a physical woman, which is SOOOO much sweeter. A true samadhi is an 1000x better than an orgasm. Take that CHAD. Remember, the Ben character doesn't need to be destroyed, he just needs to be seen clearly as a movie thats playing on a screen. The State of No Thought You know sometimes I think that the people on this forum don't actually care about Truth. I mean how many people on here are serious thinkers and how many are just distracting themselves, creating an identity around being a spiritual person. I will not fall prey to that. The reason I think this way is because I've posted a few forum posts on the spirituality section that I thought were gold and the responses that I get back are either nothing or a bunch of jumbled up responses. Its as if they don't actually want to get to the Truth. You just want to come up with these fancy little theories that sound nice but mean NOTHING. Jeez, I feel like I'm turning into Jed. Am I getting arrogant? Well, if I am, thats Ben's problem, not mine. Anyways, don't take anything I say personally. I am writing for my own spiritual journey's sake. Once I write it, I forget about it and move on. The idea is FURTHER. I dont give a fuck if it makes sense or not. If you're reading this, its too late. That made no sense, but its an album title by Drake, go check it out. Anyways... distractions are everywhere in this life. And what should i pursue? Ah... thats right, the state of no thought, lets crack into that, shall we... Lets question why I am so afraid of a state of no thought.. My mind right now believes that a state of no thought is a braindead state in which zero thoughts come in and the brain is actually incapable of thinking. This is not true AT ALL. In a no thought state, the brain still processes data, if someone throws a ball at your head, you are going to react, if you see a grizzly bear, you will get scared and look for a way out. You still feel emotions as well. The mental chatter is what subsides. And that is what is infinitely peaceful. Because the chatter is completely unneccessary. But yes, your brain will continue to work, it doesn't shut off, its the mental chatter that goes away or at least quiets down a fuck ton. This is beneficial to your success and happiness as a human being and I would love to share this with the world eventually... or right now, why not? The intelligence that executed the work does not need the anxiety that proceeded it.

Okay, I just got this insight from AI, it relates spiral dynamics to being a filing cabinet inside of your own mind. The files inside of it are red, blue, orange, etc. In order to experience the concept as itself, don't take the files out, take a look and experience the whole filing cabinet.

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #84 ~ Sun May 24 '26 ~ 8:28 AM With the help of Gemini®, I feel like I made some really good spiritual progress yesterday, what an amazing tool AI is, truly amazing. Today, my goal is to start contemplating the nature of a state of not-knowing. I will also be door dashing again with a work out in between the door dashing and a shower and nap at my dad's house, it should be a really nice day for myself. And then I'll do more of the same tomorrow. But let's get back to the point of this journal, so in order to realize the Truth, or to have an awakening, I must be in a state of not knowing, it is not easily described as to how this state is achieved but it is a state that is possible. Now how do I get there? Not Knowing must come before something new is learned, theres no way around that How I regard not-knowing is constructed by cultural assumptions Cultural assumptions have been influencing the way Ben acts and behaves since he was a little boy A state of not knowing is completely open to whatever the Truth may be, but dont confuse this with a state of a lack of knowledge, thats not the state, its a state of openness, of grounded openness. A state of not knowing or of true wondering is a state in which you are not thinking about the object you are focusing on and making assumptions and theories about it, you are experiencing it fully in this present moment, without any judgements about it. There is a MASSIVE difference here and its your job to make the distinction and experience whats its like to truly experience something as it is Side note: Do you see that if you continue down this path, you will become Enlightened? There is no doubt in my mind about that.. you are making real headway, you should be proud of yourself Anyways, back to work... Now, I understand what it takes to experience an object, but what does it take to experience a concept. I mean, its already a concept, how do you experience it for what it is. Here is the definition of a concept according to Google, "A concept is a fundamental unit of thought or mental construct that classifies entities, objects, and abstract ideas." Lets take spiral dynamics, you know that model very well. This model for ego development is a concept because its a mental construct that classifies abstract ideas, in other words, its a model. Models are concepts. now how do I experience a concept rather than theorizing and thinking about it? Well, lets take it back to the object scenario, your job is to experience the object, or the sensation in your body, and NOT theorize or think about it. With a concept, its a little different because the concept is already a thought in your head and actually a string of thoughts that are all connected. For example, when I think of spiral dynamics, I think about how it starts with stage beige (pure survival) then goes to purple (tribalistic), then red (dictatorial), then blue (religious), then orange (capitalistic), then green (hippy), then yellow (systemic), then turquoise (holistic). These stages are all connected in a sense that we as humans (individually and collectively) move up this ladder of ego development. It is a model that describes how a human ego develops. It has helped Ben a lot with his anxiety because he used to worry a lot about how hes being selfish or how hes beign a coward, etc... learning this model put his mind at ease because he realize 1. Hes actually pretty high up on the ladder relative to his peers and 2. He understands that theres really nothing wrong with his selfish and cowardice, its all part of the process. But anyways, how do we experience this concept WITHOUT thinking about it? Lets take a look at the concept of self. The concept of self is like a filing cabinet. If I open up the filing cabinet and look at whats inside, this is the content, like Leo talks about in that "Content vs Structure" episode. But what we want to look at is the structure of the self. Now this isn't awakening, but its a good start to take a look at what the structure is that you've created to identify yourself as. So what is it, experience this filing cabinet for what it is. Go ahead. ..... Its a collection of thoughts. The self image is a collection of a bunch of thoughts, anything and everything that you've experienced, how you view yourself, its all in one big package. That is who you believe that you are. And I guess in a relative sense, that is who Ben is.... But this is Ben's opinion of who Ben is. These are his thoughts. Someone else's thoughts about Ben are completely different. Their filing cabinet that constructs him is COMPLETELY different. Now, I understand conceptually that this is not me. This is not who I truly am. I am something else entirely.. But what is that and how do I experience it. Start looking at the space that the cabinet is sitting. If I completely stop opening the filing cabinet, and I refuse to look at a single piece of paper inside it - what is left right here that doesnt need a name, a history, or a future to exist? Sit down and meditate to this: ° Notice the reflex to check the files - notice how quickly your mind reaches for a file to anchor itself. Everytime a thought arises, silently acknowledge it: "Thats just a piece of paper in the cabinet" ° If the filing cabinet is Ben's identity, then who or what is currently looking at the filing cabinet ° Find out what it FEELS like to exist without this identity She is not real. He is not real. She is not Truth. He is not Truth. Truth is all that matters. Truth is all thats on my mind. I will experience what is outside of the filing cabinet that is my ego, that is my collection of thoughts, there is something beyond it, yet it is right here, right in front me. And all I have to do is quiet down my mind and poof, there is your enlightenment. Take your time with this process, don't rush it. At times I am able to experience what is purely in front of me. It is a rare occurrence however. It baffles me how little control I have over my own mind. It just runs amuck, especially when the body is hungry or tired, the mind tends to be an absolute menace, never engaging in pleasant thoughts, it's always anxiety driven or frustration driven thoughts. I am starting to look at what is actually in front of me in every situation. What is the experience of this situation in front of me, what do I feel in my body? What are the thoughts going through my head. Be a conscious observer of what's going on. Meditation is not sitting on a fuckin chair and counting your breath. Meditation is right here, right now, everywhere you go, everything that you do, do it consciously, do it like you're meditating. That's the key. One day I want a cabin in the woods or a farm, something with nature. Ill have a nice girl that gives me space. I can have intellectual conversations with her that expand my mind. I also want a dancer girlfriend that I can explore the world with, compete with, owning our craft together. From now on, intimate relationships will arise out of convenience of circumstance. I do not pursue things for the sake of pursuing. My life purpose is far too important and energy inducing for me to go out to night clubs and hit on girls all night. I also just don't want to do that, therefore I won't.

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #83 ~ Sat May 23 '26 ~ 7:54 AM Okay, so another human being ( or myself) is a real organism, they are a real entity in a relative sense. We can't argue with that. But when looking for Absolute TRUTH, which encapsulates everything inside of itself, that's where relative truths fall flat. For example, this girl that I am thinking of, I can describe her in different ways than another person would describe her. Take the fact that she has blonde hair, someone else might say that it's light brown or dirty blonde and boom there you have it, it's a relative truth. You also have different languages for blonde, in French, it's not called blonde, in Spanish, it's not called blonde, it's called something else... Boom relative truth. So what were trying to do here is write down something that is ACTUALLY true, not something that can be argued or disputed. So what is something that you can count on without a doubt in your tiny little brain? I can count on the fact that I am aware of my current experience. I am HERE. I am present. I am ABLE to see things and hear things, etc. now what I'm seeing can be relative. I could see the color red in front of me, but a blind person just sees black and a color blind person might see orange while I see red. Therefore, the Truth does not lie within WHAT I'm seeing, it lies within the ability to see. This is an abstract notion because there's nothing to grasp onto here. This Truth is boundless, it doesn't have a location and I cannot grasp it with knowledge or intellect, it's just something that is here, right in front of me. But there's something missing, it's as if I understand it conceptually but I'm missing the experience of it. I'm also scared to let go of the relative truths that I hold so near and dear. But do I have to let them go? They're still relative truths. They're not going anywhere... "Before Enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water." Honesty: a more honest look at the truth of something is what we're looking for. This goes for anything, try to be as truthful as you possibly can when it comes to your perceptions about reality and the world at large Authentic experience: an authentic experience is what we are after. This authentic experience is awakening, it is enlightenment. In order to get here, we need to exhibit honesty Grounded openness: In order to achieve enlightenment, I must be open to a very real experience of the Truth. This is accompanied by a grounded-ness that grounds us in reality, grounds is in what is True, grounds us in the pursuit of Truth, and also grounds us in the reality that this body, this ego needs to be fed, it needs to survive. For example, I am not going to be open to that grizzly bear maybe being friendly, no... I am grounded in the fact that that grizzly bear is dangerous and I should stay far away from it. Questioning: I am not the voice, I am the space in which the voice is heard. The voice inside of my head, I'm going to call him Ben. He is scared. He is terrified. He thinks that I am trying to kill him. But I'm not trying to kill him, there is space for him in this vast, boundless Truth that I am driving towards like a madman. And I will treat him like a terrified little child. I will coddle him during this trip so that he embraces what his true nature is. This voice is a part of the Nothingness void. He is not separate from it. And I have to integrate him into it with me. The human ego, the personality, the "Ben" character, cannot live in the Absolute. It belongs to the relative world. It thrives in the world of friendships, jobs, hikes, and dogs. But this vast Absolute Nothingness encapsulates absolutely everything, therefore he is part of the Absolute yet he really doesn't belong in a relative sense. I will continue down this path with the utmost devotion. I will give up everything I know and love if I have to. NOTHING matters besides truth. I only pay the rent so that I can pursue Truth. And I will not stop until I get what I came here for. The funny thing is, the relative world continues to rotate even though my perception is that of the Absolute Truth. Do you see that? Nothing is actually going to change in a real tangible sense. Because the Truth is already there, its right in front of you, so what on Earth would change? Further is the name of the game, its not helpful to take a look back at past entries, just keep moving forward, that is all that matters until you reach a special place called "Done." Then I will look back at the journey that I've taken and laugh because the Truth was there all along, so why did it cause such a big fuss? It is eye opening however to see that this dream self does need attention. He is and will always be alive in the relative sense. Just because you understand and perceive things differently doesn't mean that he can be ignored, he still has needs, he needs to eat, he needs to fuck, he needs to pee and poop, he needs to feel fulfilled. I like that you are starting to create separation from him. Because you are NOT him, I mean you are, but you are really something so much bigger and brighter and infinitely more magical than a human being that has limited capabilities, strengths and weaknesses, etc. I am starting to see the limitations of living this way though, of living just for Ben, it is a hollow form of living, one that's thoughts are occupied by girls and petty things that I'm annoyed with. I want my thought patterns to be above that, but I AM NOT settling for some spiritual comforts. NOOOO. I want Truth and I will not settle for anything but. Ben is a real character in this dream state. And he deserves to be loved. He wants love. He wants to feel comforted and he wants to feel fulfilled. He doesn't want to be treated unfairly. He wants to sweep a girl off of her feet. He wants to give one girl the treatment that she so desperately wants and deserves. He wants these things and what when you discover truth, will Ben disappear? No, of course not. It's as if you now understand that the movie that you're watching isn't real. It's filled with actors and special effects. And your culture has taught you to believe that you are the main character. But that's not you're nature in an Absolute sense, in reality you are the light that is projecting what's on the screen. And one of these days you are going to have a direct experience of what that is. I mean it's right here, it's right in front of you, but something is blocking you from seeing it, from experiencing it. Identify what the roadblock is. What is stopping you from seeing the Truth? Well, the key to awakening is having an insight. Having an insight into the true nature of reality. Having an insight requires a state of not knowing. A state of not knowing is a mind state free of beliefs, opinions, and perceptions. A state of not knowing is a state that's focus is on experience and not thoughts or beliefs. Okay, sure but how do we get to this state?