Spiritual Warrior

I am writing down everything that I still resonate with at each stage. If I think that it is important, then that means there is a part of me that has not transcended that portion of myself on the spiral. Stage red: Personal power, displays of toughness, brazen courage, heroism, winning at all costs, winning, victory, conquest, the thrill of conquest, warrior mentality, competitive, crush your opponents, revenge, respect, loyalty, assertiveness, decisiveness, passion, action, direct, no nonsense, wants to be bigger than life, sexual conquests and exploitation, adventure, thrill seeking, living boldly, breaking with the pack Things I want more of at this stage: Nothing Stage blue: hard work, discipline, justice, stability, security, hierarchy: Social order and status quo, meaning and greater purpose, morality, serving God, theology, family values, respect for elders, loyalty, cultural superiority Things I want more of at this stage: hard work, discipline, stability, security, meaning and greater purpose Stage orange: Achievement, success, improving one's own position in life, gaming the system, self-improvement, confidence, optimism, charisma, money, sex, luxury, physical appearance, youth, coolness, sexiness, win win outcomes, "Scientific method", data and analytics qualify everything, pop culture, celebrities, social media, personal freedom, independence Things I want more of at this stage: money, sex, luxury, physical appearance, personal freedom, independence, success, self-improvement, charisma Stage green: Love, heart, soul, empathy, compassion, mercy, leniency, social progress, humanism, liberalism, democracy, equality, anti materialism, anti greed, social conscious, supporting humanitarian causes, relationships, bonding, human well being, harmony, warm interactions, hugs, finding common ground, pacifism, peace, pleasing everyone, sensitivity, spiritual but not religious, recycling, human-centered, heart-centered, openmindedness, sex education, creativity, beauty, art, bringing people of the world together Things I want more of at this stage: Femininity, Mind altering drugs, warm interactions / hugs, bonding, openmindedness Stage yellow*: Spiral Dynamics, systems thinking, being a lone wolf Things I want more of at this stage: Meeting people where they are at, responsibility, independence, autonomy *I do not resonate with many aspects of stage yellow because I am not evolved enough yet.

Maturity in my life I am 28 years old, and the maturity video was a timely wake up call for me. For the past year and a half, I have been lazing around, jobless, and traveling the country when I can. I missed the glory days of being young, when life was easy and I didn't have to take on any responsibilities. I've been trying to get back to those days, but the reality is that I am a grown man now.. You can't just reset the clocks.. Thats not how it works. And I have come to a very harsh truth, given my current situation and circumstances, if I had a daughter, I wouldn't want her dating me. That hurts, but its true. I now realize that I am ready to grow up and take accountability for my own life. No more blaming mom and dad. No more blaming friends. No more blaming society. How Maturity relates to Spiral Dynamics The higher you climb up the spiral, the more people and things you take responsibility for. That is what this work is about, realizing that you are the entire universe. There is no difference between you and the homeless man down the street, or the famous celebrity that just got canceled, or the squirrel that is chasing its mate around a tree, or the alien that lives on Zortan. You are everything. And when you fully realize this, you will not be able to act immature anymore. You won't be able to manipulate women to fulfill your sexual or attention-seeking cravings. You won't be able to blame other people for your problems. You will be truthful and honest. You will be openminded and try to see things from other people's perspective. You will look at the world as a complex system and not from your egoic perspective. Maturity is what it takes to make the leap over to 2nd tier thinking. And the more mature you become, the more selfless you become, and the more selfless you become, the higher up on the the spiral you climb. That is what the spiral is all about, the higher you climb, the more you care about everything that is outside of yourself.

Hey thank you for sharing, this was a really cool assessment to find out what I'm strong and weak in. It is going to take maturity on my end to develop those low scores in my life. What I've learned from your question prompts is that maturity takes work. Everything that I've scored highly, I've put the work into, everything that I've scored lowly, I have not. Career: 2 - No idea what I am doing with my career and have next to no career capital built up Finances/ Money: 3.5 - I am in credit card debt right now, but I feel as though I have a decent mindset around money, which is why I bumped up the score a bit. Health & Wellness: 8 - Eat healthy for the most part, very active, still drink too much alcohol Sexuality / Intimacy: -1 - Super inexperienced dater, don't know how to maturely express my sexuality. Never had sex. Have sexual trauma issues Self Esteem: 5 - I am somewhat grounded, but still doubt myself a lot and talk down on myself. Mindset / Outlook on life: 7 - I am starting to piece things together from all of my book reading and following actualized.org. I feel I have a good conceptual grasp on what life is about Relationships / Boundaries: 6.5 - I have some really good and close friends. I'm close with my family too. My issue is boundary setting - I don't love myself enough to set up boundaries in some of my relationships Family / Parenting / Social Obligations: 7 - Good relationship with most of my family. Social life / Friends: 9 - Have a bunch of friends, handful of super close friends Fun / recreation: 10 - I play basketball twice a week, soccer once a week, hang out with my friends every weekend. I actually have too much fun. I think the mature thing would actually be to cut down on the fun and recreation and work on things like dating, finances, and career Spirituality / Metaphysics / Epistemology: 2.5 - Lots of contemplation and meditation work needs to be done in order to get to where I want to be in this area Politics: 2 - I just don't follow it. Emotional well- being: 5 - I have lots of emotional issues - some good coping strategies - some emotional intelligence Fulfillment: 2 - Not good, I don't work! Theres next to no fulfillment coming from my life. Happiness: 5 - I'm happy half the time Creativity: 5 - Idk, sometimes I think I'm creative sometimes I don't. Maybe I don't really know what it means to be creative Personal Values: 7 - Pretty good morales, I think that my head is on straight Communication skills: 8 - I'm a good communicator. I get my point across to the person if I want to. Lagacy/ impact / Contribution: 0 - I've done nothing with my life to contribute to anyone or anything. Environmental Consciousness: 8 - I recycle, buy grass fed milk, and am genuinely concerned about the planet. Could always do better though Empathy: 8 - I am an empathetic person. I care about other peoples' feelings. I always have, of course I can be selfish sometimes and lack empathy, but overall I think I do a pretty good job on this front. 1. What has contributed the most to your Maturity in your highest-rated areas? Was it a particular experience, practice, a mindset shift, extreme suffering... ? Of my highest rated areas, I have put in the work to get better in those aspects of life. I researched what it takes to be healthy, I work out consistently. I have a great group of friends that I have fun with, I put in the work to develop those relationships. I am empathetic and environmentally conscious, I make the emotional effort to try to feel what other people are feeling, I try to consciously think about the environment. I've put in the work at being a good communicator by talking a lot, and to try to consciously get my point across. I've put in the work to build up a good outlook on life, this took a massive amount of research. 2. In the areas where you feel lacking maturity, what would it take for you to develop and grow? Are there specific actions and experiences to have, habits, or beliefs you need to cultivate...? For me to grow in the areas that I have ranked lowly, I would need to first take full ownership and responsibility for these areas in my life. No one is going to fix them for me. It is now more clear what I need to work on and its going to be difficult, but what else am I going to do with my life? There are two main things that I think would really kick start my life and help me deal with my weaknesses: 1. Stop watching porn, 2. Get a job and starting building career capital.

Where is self- love on the spiral and how do I embody it?

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #30 - Sun Jun 10 '23 - 12:41 PM I Love Neale Donald walsch' Conversations with God. This is my version of it. Okay back to truth work: Lower self: is God real? Higher self: I don't know. What is God? Lower self: God is real. I can feel him. Higher self: How? Lower self: He is in my bones. I can hear his voice. I can smell him in the flowers. I swim with her when it's late and gloomy. She is with me in the shower, washing my hair. I can see her off in the distance, miles away. I can feel her warmth upon my skin. I can hear his raspy voice inside of my head. I can hear his thunderous booms bursting through the windows throughout the night. I can see her bright yellow flashes of magnificence on a cloudy night. I can see him in my mother's face. Oh the beauty. I love you mama. I can see him in my head, bartering at a tag sale. I can feel the love of him throughout my bones. But... where is he? Where has he gone? God: I am right here. With you. Now. Just feel and look. That is it. Feel and look. What do you see? What do you feel? That is how you can find me. Whenever you have lost me. Know that I cannot be lost. For this would be impossible. Where would I go? What would I do? As far as I know there is only one real place to be and let me tell you it's a pretty cool place to be. You can be whatever you want, you can do and have anything that you desire. Now who wouldn't want to live in a place like this? Ben: But there is all of this suffering. Millions of living things dying every day! Now what is so cool about that? God: Ohhhhh come on! I'm the coolest gal around! Ben: No you're not. You cause suffering. I suffer all of the time. All day long. This life is hard! God: What is it that you suffer about? Ben: I suffer because I CANT reach my goals. I can't fall in love with myself let alone another individual. I mean what is wrong with me? God: Nothing is wrong with you my child. You are not unusual. The reason that you suffer is because you want to love. You want to love sooo soooo bad. You want to love every nook and cranny of this universe, of this existence. But it is difficult. I have made it difficult. Ben: But why? Why have you made life difficult? Ben: But why didn't you turn us into God's ourselves? God: You are God. Ben: Yeah but not really. I can't fly on over to Venus or drive my magic school bus to the next galaxy. I didn't create the universe. God: Oh yes you did.. You just forgot! Ben: What???! And why would I forget a thing such as that? God: How else could I experience myself? If you knew exactly who you were, then you would behave like me. I don't want you to behave like me. Behave like yourself. However it is that you would like to behave. That's what you should do. Whatever it is you want to do for a career. Do that. Find a relationship. Start a family. Or don't! I don't care. Do as you wish, and know that there is no judgement going on in the universe unless you want there to be. You are loved and will always be loved. By us all. Ben: But why? Why do you want to experience yourself? God: I already told you. I got bored. So I started creating things. You can only stare at a void of nothingness for so long. I had to make something. Ben: Is the universe really infinite? God: Of course the universe is infinite. What kind of God would I be if I could not create an infinite universe? With infinite possibilities. Infinite meanings. Infinite deceptions. Infinite desires. Infinite creations. Now that... Is a damn cool place to be. Ben: An infinite universe... Wow... Now this is a lot to take on... God: Why is it so hard to believe? Ben: But I don't want to live in a universe that is infinite. That's too big! And that would make me too insignificant. Too small. To worthless. Too unworthy. I am saddened by this. God: Ohhhhh... You humans and your sentimentality. Is it really so bad that you're existence does not have cosmic importance? I mean if it did have cosmic importance, that would be a hell of a lot of pressure, wouldn't it? Have fun with life. Have fun with it. Don't take it so seriously. And most importantly, don't take me so seriously. Enjoy it while you are here. That is all you need to know.

@Zigzag Idiot why is self love paradoxical?

@universe @Oppositionless @Sincerity @Sine Thank you all for the advice. I really like the idea of talking to yourself in a loving way. I'm going to make a conscious effort to to that. Thanks.

Thank you both. Looking forward to checking them out @CARDOZZO @Sine

In order to get a better sense for what systems thinking is, I have watched Leo's video on systems thinking and taken some notes. I have also dissected some of the issues that I have in my personal life, naming all of the contributing factors to the problem, showing that each problem in my personal life is a systemic problem in it of itself. Insight: Each character within the friend group has a relationship. with each other. You can dissect each relationship Scattered parts are not a system. A bookshelf? No. A bookshelf is not a system because the parts do not interact with each other. Trash in a landfill? No... They are separate pieces, they do not interact with each other. Examples of systems: Rainforest, human body, aquarium, a city or country, a soccer team, a corporation, the economy, currencies, a university, a car, the US military, public education, Facebook platform, Catholic church, your business, the self or the psyche or the ego, the entire cosmos is the ultimate system Systemic problems in society: Poverty, the shrinking middle class, global warming issues, drug addiction, war, obesity, crime, low brow marketing (it is very difficult to market high consciousness things, but it is very easy to market low consciousness things), difficult to get funding for a small business idea, unemployment, education, fundamentalism, terrorism, corruption, depression, endangered species, runaway materialism, partisan gridlock, spam What are we not understanding about these problems: Where are they coming from, whats creating them, what are the forces at work there? What are the principles for systemic thinking: Problems are systemic and not personal - its not one or two people that are creating problems in the world, its systems that are causing problems within the world, poorly designed systems, seeing everything as a system, non-linearity (chaos theory) A non-linear system is one in which the rules are not set in stone, they are forever changing, which makes it difficult to really tie it down, the system itself can make many twists and turns, systems are very counter intuitive, understand that systems are unpredictable and chaotic, becoming conscious of backfiring mechanisms (sometimes in a system, you make a change and it backfires on you), the system is its own greatest enemy, for example, terrorism: one might think intuitively that to stop terrorism, lets just attack them, show them who's boss, but this would actually backfire because this would just anger the terrorists even more and would also cause them to recruit more people to fight in the terrorrist army, understanding that boundaries are defined by the human mind - there are not objective boundaries, the world is dynamic and not static, understand that the power is not in manipulating the system directly but by understanding them, having a long time horizon, looking for the root causes of issues rather than the superficial aspects, have an appreciation for the wisdom of nature, systems thinking is anti-tribal - understands that the entire world is important - not just the inner circle that you are in, or the country that you live in, or even just your own species, is always asking the question "is this sustainable?", recognizing the dangers of self-interest, systems thinkers think about how to think, able to shift its own perspective - able to look at the system from a different paradigm, go out of your way to survey many different perspectives and then bring them all together, understanding that a system goes through phases and patterns, Question to answer: What actually causes a disconnection between two people within a friend group? Examples of systemic issues in my personal life: My work ethic problem: 1. Life is too easy, people are always handing me things 2. I have the cushion of going into credit card debt in order to pay my bills 3. Out of touch with survival, do not need to work hard to survive 4. The importance of a good work ethic was not instilled in me when I was a child, 5. My parents (namely my dad) have not kicked me out of their house yet, I could continue to live there rent free. Therefore there is no incentive to get out there and start earning money. 6. Lack of vision - I do not have a strong enough vision for what I want to create in my life to ignite that fire, that passion, that drive, that work ethic. My lack of dating experience problem: 1. I do not have the experience, therefore I have low confidence that I will be a good partner and that I will know what I am doing once in a relationship 2. Easy access to porn, which makes putting myself out there and risking rejection a silly thing to do when I can get off very easily right here on my couch 3. My parents were not affectionate when I was a child, I never picked up on those skills. And I do think these are important skills to learn in the dating world. 4. Afraid of being judged by others - I feel the need to think about what my friends will think about whoever I introduce them to as a dating prospect. The person needs to be extremely attractive so that I can uphold my self image as a high quality guy with high standards. 5. Rejection - Rejection by a female seems like the worst thing in the world to me, I feel like it would tarnish my reputation / self-image Insight: Things need to be balanced within a system

Are you talking about Susanne Cook - Greuter's research paper on ego development? If so, here is the link to her paper: https://www.actualized.org/downloads/the-9-stages-of-ego-development-cook-greuter.pdf Also a link to her website: https://integrallife.com/author/susanne-cook-greuter/

Artistic expression of a stage red toxic relationship by Kendrick Lamar

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #28 - Wed May 31 '23 - 4:41 PM Higher self: What are some of your most core beliefs? Lower self: My name is Ben. I am a human body. I have eye sight. I have smell. I have hearing. I am athletic. I am 5 foot 5 inches. I am skinny. The earth is round. The earth orbits the sun. The sun keeps me / us alive. I have a dog. I have a family. I love my mother. I will be distraught when she dies. I have 6 best friends. I feel emotions. I want to be a bartender. I have small feet. I am above average looking. I am short. I have a red beard. I have dirty blonde hair. The world is filled with people. Enlightenment is a state of consciousness. The earth is covered with 70% water. We have not found intelligent life outside of our world yet. The universe is infinite. Jed McKenna is not real. Leo Gura is enlightened. 5 MEO-DMT gives you ego death. Psychedelics are good for spiritual development work. My friends hold me back sometimes. I need to integrate more stage red in my life. I am a people pleaser. I get anxious easily. I want to improve my life circumstances. My parents divorce effected my childhood negatively. My parents love me. Gravity is what holds us down to the earth. I cannot fly. I am not an eagle. I am a human being. I evolved from chimpanzees. I am 28 years old. I am addicted to porn. I am addicted to stimulation. Meditation is difficult for me. Enlightenment is the end all be all. I am a good person. I am a selfish person sometimes. I want to climb up the spiral dynamics ladder. I have bad habits of chewing on my beard and picking at my finger skin. I have to trust my thoughts. What is the point of this again? Higher self: In order to reach enlightenment. You have to go beyond the beliefs to a state of not knowing. Writing down a list of your beliefs will help you get a sense of what it is we're talking about here. Lower self: Fine, I'll keep going. I don't need to drink coffee in order to be alert. Coffee effects me negatively, it inhibits my deep breathing. I am not good at flirting with girls. I am a people pleaser. I can have anything that I want in life. I can be creepy. I don't know what the future holds. In order for me to progress in my career, I must get really good at whatever it is that I am doing. Processed food is unhealthy for my body. Higher self: All of these beliefs. What is their purpose? Lower self: The purpose of these beliefs is to keep me grounded. Without beliefs, I would be unable to do anything. For example, because of my belief that certain foods are healthy and others aren't, I steer towards the healthy foods. Because of my belief that a high protein diet will help me gain muscle, I steer towards high protein meals. Because I have a desire to build a bigger, more muscular frame, I am going to go to the gym every day. Because I have the belief that pre workout helps me get pumped up for my workouts, I am going to use it. All beliefs steer me into action. If I had no beliefs, then I would be lost, unsure of what to do with my life. Higher self: Maybe you should be lost.. at least on the enlightenment front. You don't know anything about enlightenment. Lower self: No... I don't. But... I do know that beliefs obstruct my progress towards it. Higher self: Yes.. So during you're enlightenment work, put all of your beliefs to the side. You can come back to them later on. Bask in the nature of not knowing during your meditation sessions.

I like this video of Patty Mayo because it shows the respect that red individuals have for other red individuals. At 37:55, Patty and his crew finally catch the boy that they are after. The boy puts up a really good fight, getting tased 6 times in the process. Once the kid is in handcuffs and the dust settles, I start to get a sense of an underlying respect for the kid, despite him giving the 3 cops so much trouble. He is big and strong and tough, this is what stage red respects. If it was some tie dye shirt wearing hippy, Patty and his men would have scoffed and belittled him. Red is not impressed with a stage green character. I think Patty is blue/red. The red in him allows him to act aggressively when he needs to and the blue in him grounds him in the principles and ethics of police work. His empathy is not high, but to do this work, you don't need empathy, in fact it would get in the way of doing your job. You don't want a stage green hippy working as a police officer. A blue / red person is perfect jobs like police work, military work, and security.

Connor McGregor has become so successful and famous not just because he is an excellent fighter, but because he has embodied stage red so well in a sport that rewards intimidation tactics, charismatic speech, and controversial behavior.

Not sure if any of you are hip hop heads, but I wanted to share this song as a sharp contrast of Drake at stage orange and 21 Savage at stage red. Although stage red and orange have many similarities; they are both highly competitive, achievement-oriented, confident, and ambitious, there is a clear difference between the two that is articulated in this song. Drake starts off the song "I would have you court side, not the middle row." Drake is passionate and ambitious, but cool and confident at the same time. He's not angry, he's comfortable, not trying too hard to be on top. "Plus I'm cooking up ambition on the kitchen stove." 21 meanwhile, starts off his part in the song with the line "You a pussyyyyyyyyyy." You get the passion and the ambition from him, but there's an anger and a frustration coming out in his speech. He's angry at the world and he wants to be on top, everyone else get out of my way. "He came in a Rolls, but he left in a stretcher." Drake wants to be on top as well, but he's not going to step on anyone trying to get there. Sure, he wants the money, the fame, the success, but this masculine, machismo facade has been softened. He doesn't feel the need to insult others or brag about his guns.. and hey, he might even buy you courts side seats if your his friend. Its the win-win mindset at stage orange. My competitiveness will help me and you. We can climb up together. Stage red wants to crush its opponents at all costs. A lot of this I think has to do with the way these two rappers grew up. From my understanding, Drake was well off growing up, splitting time in Toronto, Canada with his Mom and Memphis, Tennessee with his dad, who is also a musical artist. 21 on the other hand grew up in the hoods of Atlanta, where I'm going to assume stage red is the baseline. He is a very successful rapper now, but has not been able to climb out of the stage red mindset. Or maybe he has, but his raps still embody stage red because that is what got him famous. Best of luck to them both.

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #26 - Thu May 18 '23 - 5:20 Lower self: You know what I've realized higher self? I just want to be happy. Everything that I pursue is geared towards that, even the Enlightenment work. And it is all selfish and ego centric, I don't care about the rest of the world. I truly don't. I am pursuing Enlightenment for my own satisfaction, I am pursuing girls for my own satisfaction, I am pursuing a good job/ life purpose for my own satisfaction. Everything I do is for myself. My own ego. I am not above this at all. I'm at stage orange (in the spiral Dynamics model) and Ive yet to transcend it because I want to tackle obstacles, I want to improve my self esteem, I want to improve my public speaking skills, I want to improve my communication skills, but I am working on all of these things, and for what? There will always be others things to work on. My life is a constant work in progress. There is no end in sight. In my own head, I try to convince myself that there is an end, as if I will be happy once i reach this level of success. But I know that this is a dead end. Once I tackle a few objectives that I've had. There will be 6 more that I feel that I need to tackle. And then I pursue tackling those objectives until I do... Then there are 8 more objectives... And the cycle continues on and on. It's as if this personal development work is geared towards making you unhappy. I don't stop and smell the roses. All I do is grind and grind and grind. I feel as though I get no enjoyment out of life. It is all about accomplishments.. and being viewed in a positive light by my peers... It is exhausting.. so exhausting. And I don't know how to get out of this cycle. How do I flip this around? And how else would I even think if I wasn't striving for more and more and more? I don't understand? Higher self: What makes you happy in life? Lower self: I don't know...

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #25 - Wed May 17 '23 - 10:31 AM Higher self: Dreams are also a good way of interpreting fear. Search for the fear in your dreams. You will have nightmares, but you will find out your fears. However much you think that you can handle, go for that, and then push a little more. But don't go too far, you want this process to be enjoyable. All processes should be enjoyable. This is your life. Do as you wish with it.

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #24 - Wed May 17 '23 - 10:12 AM Lower self: I would like to talk to you about fear for a little bit. I just watched Leo's video on fear the other day, and it got me thinking about how it applies in my life. Basically, the theory is that all fear in a human's life is grounded in not losing himself, whether that be quite literally, i.e. dying, or losing a part of the self-image, things that the human is attached to in this life. It got me thinking as to how and when this pops up in my life. And I realized that any time I react in a strong way emotionally to anything, this is a warning that a part of my self-image is being threatened. Any time I am triggered; I can get a juicy nugget of insight into what I am attached to. A couple of examples recently: 1. I am playing soccer the other day in this co ed league. And both this girl and guy on the other team were displeased with me for going in too hard on a 50/50 ball, in which a girl was involved. I reacted with such anger to this, that I realized that I am attached to this self image in which everyone approves of me and no one doesn't like me, NOBODY, not one single person can not like me. I am not okay with this at all. Which is really ridiculous. If I am going to be my authentic self at all times, I believe that it is inevitable to rub people the wrong at times. So this is an attachment that I'd like to drop. Which is going to be difficult because this "getting everyone to like me" attitude has served my own survival throughout my entire life, quite literally. I've used this to charm people, who eventually will give me jobs or help me out with things, I use it to make friends, so that I have a large emotional support group, things have gotten handed to me over the years and I think a big part of it is because I am likable. I make sure that I am likable, in all situations. I think that this is admirable in a sense, for I have empathy towards others, I don't want to rub people the wrong way.. Where it can be negative is if I am sacrificing my own authenticity for the approval of others. This is a fine line that I am going to have to monitor and figure out a balance. 2. I had a dream last night in which my friend told me that he doesn't want me to be one of his groomsmen. This is one of my best friends by the way. In the dream, I was so emotionally triggered by this. I wouldn't talk to anyone, and I felt 2 feet small. Although this is a dream, I do think that I would have reacted this way in real life. This tells me that I am attached to being this person's good friend. If I get evidence that this is not true, my self-identity feels threatened. 3. I also feel a self-identity of being athletic, and being good at soccer and basketball. I love this part of me, but I notice that when I do not play well in a game, I feel so angry and frustrated with myself. Strong emotions. Therefore, I must really identify with this aspect of myself. Which might be difficult because I've actually been thinking about giving up these sports so that I can free up some more time to fulfill my life purpose. It will be interesting to see how I will navigate this in the future. I want to start writing down all of these attachments. Putting conscious awareness on them. Then I would like to pull them apart. This is necessary for the spiritual path. Attachments need to go. I can still have friends and enjoy doing things, such as sports. But I do not want to be emotionally attached to any of them. This makes me realize that I also cannot be emotionally attached to my parents. This is a tough pill to swallow. I have no idea how I am going to cut ties with all of these attachments. But I know that I will need to cut these strings if I want enlightenment. Higher self: Good luck.

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #23 - Tue May 16 '23 - 10:03 AM Higher self: What are you afraid of? Lower self: I'm afraid of dying. And I'm afraid of my dad dying. That would be unbelievably difficult for me to handle. I would be an absolute wreck. My dad is my life. Higher self: Are you fearful for him or yourself? Lower self: Myself. Definitely myself. I understand conceptually that there is nothing wrong with death. It is a natural part of the universe, and the theory goes that once a human or any animal dies, they dissolve into the infinite universe, into infinite love. So no, I am not worried about him. He will be fine. I am worried about myself. I will not be fine. I don't know if I can handle it. Higher self: Well you're going to have to handle it, it will happen one day. Lower self: I am terrified of it. Higher self: Is it true that you must identify with your father if you are scared of losing him? Lower self: Yeah I suppose so.. But its more like I am afraid of the despair and sadness that I will feel when he's gone. He is the most loving aspect in my life. I always say that I get annoyed with him, but I really don't know what I would do without him. Higher self: Can you envision him dying? Lower self: No... Its too painful. I really can't handle it. Higher self: What about your mom? Lower self: I don't know why, but I feel like I could come to piece with her passing. I would be saddened of course, but I don't know... My father has some sort of hold on me. There is something there that maybe needs to be addressed. Higher self: Maybe you feel like he needs you? And you feel as though he won't be able to move onto the other side, without you? Lower self: Yes, that is fair. He is very dependent on me I feel. Maybe thats it... I don't think that he can handle it himself. Higher self: Are you dependent on him? Lower self: Yes. For sure. For emotional support. Its just nice having him around and there for me. I think just having someone in my life that loves me more than the world - that is what I get from him. I know that he would literally take a bullet for me. He would do anything. I am his whole life. Quite literally. Higher self: So you are part of his self - identity.. Is this draining for you? Lower self: Yes I suppose so.. that is why I complain when he calls me too much or is overly protective of me. I'm a grown man now. I don't need all of this love. But... At the same time, I like it, I enjoy it. It is what I'm used to. And I don't know what I would do without this figure in my life. Honestly though, it might be best for my own growth and development if he wasn't so embedded in my life. If he wasn't helping me out whenever I need it. If he wasn't calling me frequently. He has a hold on me. He definitely does. And I know that it is an issue. It is holding me back from growing into the man that I need to become. Higher self: What are you going to do to nip this in the butt? Lower self: I don't know. I really don't know. I am going to start trying to be more conscious of this issue. And maybe I will start to come up with some more clarity and some solutions.

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #22 - Mon May 15 '23 - 10:09 AM Lower self: The universe is infinite. Higher self: What is infinity? Lower self: It is everything, literally everything, and it goes on forever and ever. Higher self: Have you experienced this? Lower self: No. But to truly experience this must be the most amazing and terrifying experience a human can have. Higher self: Why terrifying? Lower self: Because, think about all of the things that are possible.. There are some terrifying things. And I can just imagine flying in outer space... Passing planet after planet, an infinite number of stars and galaxies surround me... Theres something about being that free that just terrifies me. That is where the fear is coming from; from feeling that real and true freedom. Higher self: How are you ever going to experience this freedom if you are so terrified of it? Lower self: I don't know. I'm not sure how I am going to get past the fear. I like to stay grounded. Stay grounded in this reality. I can actually tell that my ego is keeping me chained down here, it doesn't want to fly across the universe. It is waaaaay too scary. And honestly I agree, it is too scary... And I'm not sure how to get out of the way of the fear. Higher self: You could try studying the fear itself. Be mindful of the fear. What is it? Why is it there? What can you do to lean into the fear? How can you reframe your mind to steer into it, instead of against it? Lower self: Good insights higher self. Higher self: Thank you Lower self: What about you, hows your day going? Higher self: I'm just trying to figure out new ways to get through to you. To keep pushing you to go down the path that you want for yourself. Thats what this work is about for me. I want you to have everything that you desire out of life. I love you. Lower self: Thank you, I appreciate that. It is sometimes difficult to love myself because of all of my faults and shameful past experiences. Higher self: What do you have to be ashamed of? Lower self: Just embarrassing moments I guess, moments that I'm not proud of. In which I've hurt people or just made a fool out of myself. Higher self: Is that the ego talking? Lower self: Yeah... Probably. Higher self: Why is he feeling so embarrassed and ashamed? Lower self: Because he cares what others think of him. I think that I've made progress on this area.. and to give myself some credit I definitely have. But I am still hampered down by the opinions of others. It has a suffocating grip on my mind. What should I do about it? Higher self: Affirmations. Start a daily affirmation habit of making yourself more independent of the opinions of others. This is a clear cut thing to work on for you. Your ego is holding you down, holding you back from transcending because it is so worried about what other people think about you. Start to be conscious of when you do this. When talking to your friends; texting them, making plans, at basketball or soccer - start to notice when you do this. And remember to not beat yourself up. Try to enjoy the practice. Be satisfied in the fact that you have things to work on. This should be fun. Try to make it fun. It shouldn't be frustrating. Be on your own path. Be centered in the fact that you know whats best for you and the world. Be okay with the fact that not everybody is going to like you. Be grounded and centered in the fact that people will try to sway you off of your path. You are a warrior. You mustn't be swayed. Not by anybody. What you desire is yours for the taking. Go out there and seize what you want. Grab life by the go-nads. And when the going gets tough, come back here and I will help you through it.

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #21 - Fri May 12 '23 - 11:27 PM At the same time, I am not ready to transcend the ego. I still allow myself to get pushed around sometimes. I want to have a thick face, black heart. I don't want to let anyone deter me from speaking my mind, my authentic self needs to shine first, before it is transcended. This is important. This is why there is a developmental ladder for the ego to climb. It must climb all the way up, then it can fly away into the infinite. Climbing all the way up the ladder requires me to body things in business, dating life, having lots of sex, speaking my mind in relationships, etc. You have not completed this. You still have much work to be done in order to balance yourself out. In order to make your core stronger. I want to show everyone that I will not be pushed around. I will bear my teeth if I have to. You cannot push me. This is what I need to prove to myself before ego transcendence can occur. All of these things that Jed talks about in his books are all great, but there is a natural trajectory to all of this, and I must climb the ladder at my own pace.

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #20 - Fri May 12 '23 - 10:51 PM I want to absolute annihilate my ego. It is like an ugly zit smack dab on the middle of my forehead. It is selfish. It is narcissistic. It is beyond reason. It is irrational. It acts out without any second thought. It is emotionally driven. It shines its ugly head when it thinks that it is being viewed negatively. That is the WORST thing in the world for my ego. My ego cannot handle other people being displeased with it. It is emotionally driven. IT IS the gremlin inside of me. Thats it, its just ego. Many people are being held captive in my head. My ego is holding onto them. When I get triggered by something, this is a very good indication that my ego needs to lash out at the person. Not actually lash out. But it needs an outlet. I am going to start writing letters to anybody and anyone that my ego needs to talk to, needs to make a mends, hash things out. I will not send these letters, nor will I write them on here. This is meant for an offline journal. If I can remove these kinds of thoughts out of my head, then I am able to do real contemplation work, but when I am always dwelling on things and people, it clutters my head. My mind is unable to get past these surface level things because the ego needs to at least address them. I plan on addressing them with this offline journal, and then throwing it out in the trash. Then... I go further.

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #19 - Fri May 12 '23 - 11:11 AM I know that theres something wrong. Theres always been something wrong. Something off. I want to eradicate my mind of everything that is unnecessary, everything that is keeping me from seeing the truth. I have visions of all of these people that are in my life. Constant thoughts about them. Old teachers that I've had, embarrassing moments of myself or others. So much going on in my head. This stuff holds me down, hold me back from seeing the truth, the truth that is right in front of me. I'm sick of it. I want to start taking this work seriously because it is all that I want. I don't want anything else. Well I guess I do want other things, but I just know that I have to awaken before I die. Hopefully within the next 2 years. I can't keep going on when I know that my life is a lie. Stop watching junk. It is crap. It is a distraction. I'm done with it.

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #18 - Tue May 9 '23 - 8:25 PM Higher self: What is solipsism? Lower self: The theory that the self is all that can be known to exist. Higher self: What is idealism? Lower self: Any of various systems of thought in which the objects of knowledge are held to be in some way dependent on the activity of the mind. Higher self: What is materialism? Lower self: Theory that nothing exists except matter and its movements and modifications. Higher self: What is the difference between solipsism and idealism? Lower self: Solipsism is the theory that the only thing that exists is my own consciousness. It actually kind of makes sense. It is the only thing that I can really trust and count on to exist. Is my own consciousness. The awareness all around me. All that I know is that I am conscious of something. Conscious of whatever is going on in my head or in the surrounding environment. Idealism is that and also the realization that other people or things are conscious as well. I am not the only thing that is conscious. I do think that this makes sense as well. I mean I literally have the ability to be empathetic towards another conscious being, this requires me to shift my conscious, (or at least attempt to) onto another person - in order to try and feel what they are feeling. This is what empathy is. And we as humans are certainly capable of it and so are other animals as well. Higher self: What is the difference between materialism and idealism? Lower self: I think that idealism claims that consciousness precedes the mind's interpretations, but materialism states that the mind precedes consciousness. Although I'm not that confident in that. Higher self: Consciousness and the mind... Isn't the mind required in order for consciousness to exist? Lower self: I mean, you wouldn't think so, because I believe that the universe has always existed, and at certain times or in certain areas of the universe, I don't think that there are any minds that are able to be aware of consciousness. The object still exists, without any mind to be aware of it. Therefore, consciousness must have come before the mind. To say that mind comes first is quite narcissistic actually, it is giving humans way too much credit. Higher self: What if the universe was an actual mind? Lower self: You're parroting that from someone. Higher self: So what? Try to answer the question. Lower self: Well, what is a mind? It is a network of neurons and other things that are always firing or whatever. And the mind is able to interpret things, the mind is probably requires in order to survive.. Although thats not true because plants do not have minds, but they have the capacity to sruvive. Higher self: What is a mind? Lower self: I don't know. I really don't know. Is it even different than a brain? I'm really not sure. Higher self: Brain vs mind, whats the difference? Lower self: I really don't know, I need to think about that. Higher self: Okay, we'll come back to this later.