Spiritual Warrior

Not sure if any of you are hip hop heads, but I wanted to share this song as a sharp contrast of Drake at stage orange and 21 Savage at stage red. Although stage red and orange have many similarities; they are both highly competitive, achievement-oriented, confident, and ambitious, there is a clear difference between the two that is articulated in this song. Drake starts off the song "I would have you court side, not the middle row." Drake is passionate and ambitious, but cool and confident at the same time. He's not angry, he's comfortable, not trying too hard to be on top. "Plus I'm cooking up ambition on the kitchen stove." 21 meanwhile, starts off his part in the song with the line "You a pussyyyyyyyyyy." You get the passion and the ambition from him, but there's an anger and a frustration coming out in his speech. He's angry at the world and he wants to be on top, everyone else get out of my way. "He came in a Rolls, but he left in a stretcher." Drake wants to be on top as well, but he's not going to step on anyone trying to get there. Sure, he wants the money, the fame, the success, but this masculine, machismo facade has been softened. He doesn't feel the need to insult others or brag about his guns.. and hey, he might even buy you courts side seats if your his friend. Its the win-win mindset at stage orange. My competitiveness will help me and you. We can climb up together. Stage red wants to crush its opponents at all costs. A lot of this I think has to do with the way these two rappers grew up. From my understanding, Drake was well off growing up, splitting time in Toronto, Canada with his Mom and Memphis, Tennessee with his dad, who is also a musical artist. 21 on the other hand grew up in the hoods of Atlanta, where I'm going to assume stage red is the baseline. He is a very successful rapper now, but has not been able to climb out of the stage red mindset. Or maybe he has, but his raps still embody stage red because that is what got him famous. Best of luck to them both.

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #26 - Thu May 18 '23 - 5:20 Lower self: You know what I've realized higher self? I just want to be happy. Everything that I pursue is geared towards that, even the Enlightenment work. And it is all selfish and ego centric, I don't care about the rest of the world. I truly don't. I am pursuing Enlightenment for my own satisfaction, I am pursuing girls for my own satisfaction, I am pursuing a good job/ life purpose for my own satisfaction. Everything I do is for myself. My own ego. I am not above this at all. I'm at stage orange (in the spiral Dynamics model) and Ive yet to transcend it because I want to tackle obstacles, I want to improve my self esteem, I want to improve my public speaking skills, I want to improve my communication skills, but I am working on all of these things, and for what? There will always be others things to work on. My life is a constant work in progress. There is no end in sight. In my own head, I try to convince myself that there is an end, as if I will be happy once i reach this level of success. But I know that this is a dead end. Once I tackle a few objectives that I've had. There will be 6 more that I feel that I need to tackle. And then I pursue tackling those objectives until I do... Then there are 8 more objectives... And the cycle continues on and on. It's as if this personal development work is geared towards making you unhappy. I don't stop and smell the roses. All I do is grind and grind and grind. I feel as though I get no enjoyment out of life. It is all about accomplishments.. and being viewed in a positive light by my peers... It is exhausting.. so exhausting. And I don't know how to get out of this cycle. How do I flip this around? And how else would I even think if I wasn't striving for more and more and more? I don't understand? Higher self: What makes you happy in life? Lower self: I don't know...

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #25 - Wed May 17 '23 - 10:31 AM Higher self: Dreams are also a good way of interpreting fear. Search for the fear in your dreams. You will have nightmares, but you will find out your fears. However much you think that you can handle, go for that, and then push a little more. But don't go too far, you want this process to be enjoyable. All processes should be enjoyable. This is your life. Do as you wish with it.

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #24 - Wed May 17 '23 - 10:12 AM Lower self: I would like to talk to you about fear for a little bit. I just watched Leo's video on fear the other day, and it got me thinking about how it applies in my life. Basically, the theory is that all fear in a human's life is grounded in not losing himself, whether that be quite literally, i.e. dying, or losing a part of the self-image, things that the human is attached to in this life. It got me thinking as to how and when this pops up in my life. And I realized that any time I react in a strong way emotionally to anything, this is a warning that a part of my self-image is being threatened. Any time I am triggered; I can get a juicy nugget of insight into what I am attached to. A couple of examples recently: 1. I am playing soccer the other day in this co ed league. And both this girl and guy on the other team were displeased with me for going in too hard on a 50/50 ball, in which a girl was involved. I reacted with such anger to this, that I realized that I am attached to this self image in which everyone approves of me and no one doesn't like me, NOBODY, not one single person can not like me. I am not okay with this at all. Which is really ridiculous. If I am going to be my authentic self at all times, I believe that it is inevitable to rub people the wrong at times. So this is an attachment that I'd like to drop. Which is going to be difficult because this "getting everyone to like me" attitude has served my own survival throughout my entire life, quite literally. I've used this to charm people, who eventually will give me jobs or help me out with things, I use it to make friends, so that I have a large emotional support group, things have gotten handed to me over the years and I think a big part of it is because I am likable. I make sure that I am likable, in all situations. I think that this is admirable in a sense, for I have empathy towards others, I don't want to rub people the wrong way.. Where it can be negative is if I am sacrificing my own authenticity for the approval of others. This is a fine line that I am going to have to monitor and figure out a balance. 2. I had a dream last night in which my friend told me that he doesn't want me to be one of his groomsmen. This is one of my best friends by the way. In the dream, I was so emotionally triggered by this. I wouldn't talk to anyone, and I felt 2 feet small. Although this is a dream, I do think that I would have reacted this way in real life. This tells me that I am attached to being this person's good friend. If I get evidence that this is not true, my self-identity feels threatened. 3. I also feel a self-identity of being athletic, and being good at soccer and basketball. I love this part of me, but I notice that when I do not play well in a game, I feel so angry and frustrated with myself. Strong emotions. Therefore, I must really identify with this aspect of myself. Which might be difficult because I've actually been thinking about giving up these sports so that I can free up some more time to fulfill my life purpose. It will be interesting to see how I will navigate this in the future. I want to start writing down all of these attachments. Putting conscious awareness on them. Then I would like to pull them apart. This is necessary for the spiritual path. Attachments need to go. I can still have friends and enjoy doing things, such as sports. But I do not want to be emotionally attached to any of them. This makes me realize that I also cannot be emotionally attached to my parents. This is a tough pill to swallow. I have no idea how I am going to cut ties with all of these attachments. But I know that I will need to cut these strings if I want enlightenment. Higher self: Good luck.

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #23 - Tue May 16 '23 - 10:03 AM Higher self: What are you afraid of? Lower self: I'm afraid of dying. And I'm afraid of my dad dying. That would be unbelievably difficult for me to handle. I would be an absolute wreck. My dad is my life. Higher self: Are you fearful for him or yourself? Lower self: Myself. Definitely myself. I understand conceptually that there is nothing wrong with death. It is a natural part of the universe, and the theory goes that once a human or any animal dies, they dissolve into the infinite universe, into infinite love. So no, I am not worried about him. He will be fine. I am worried about myself. I will not be fine. I don't know if I can handle it. Higher self: Well you're going to have to handle it, it will happen one day. Lower self: I am terrified of it. Higher self: Is it true that you must identify with your father if you are scared of losing him? Lower self: Yeah I suppose so.. But its more like I am afraid of the despair and sadness that I will feel when he's gone. He is the most loving aspect in my life. I always say that I get annoyed with him, but I really don't know what I would do without him. Higher self: Can you envision him dying? Lower self: No... Its too painful. I really can't handle it. Higher self: What about your mom? Lower self: I don't know why, but I feel like I could come to piece with her passing. I would be saddened of course, but I don't know... My father has some sort of hold on me. There is something there that maybe needs to be addressed. Higher self: Maybe you feel like he needs you? And you feel as though he won't be able to move onto the other side, without you? Lower self: Yes, that is fair. He is very dependent on me I feel. Maybe thats it... I don't think that he can handle it himself. Higher self: Are you dependent on him? Lower self: Yes. For sure. For emotional support. Its just nice having him around and there for me. I think just having someone in my life that loves me more than the world - that is what I get from him. I know that he would literally take a bullet for me. He would do anything. I am his whole life. Quite literally. Higher self: So you are part of his self - identity.. Is this draining for you? Lower self: Yes I suppose so.. that is why I complain when he calls me too much or is overly protective of me. I'm a grown man now. I don't need all of this love. But... At the same time, I like it, I enjoy it. It is what I'm used to. And I don't know what I would do without this figure in my life. Honestly though, it might be best for my own growth and development if he wasn't so embedded in my life. If he wasn't helping me out whenever I need it. If he wasn't calling me frequently. He has a hold on me. He definitely does. And I know that it is an issue. It is holding me back from growing into the man that I need to become. Higher self: What are you going to do to nip this in the butt? Lower self: I don't know. I really don't know. I am going to start trying to be more conscious of this issue. And maybe I will start to come up with some more clarity and some solutions.

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #22 - Mon May 15 '23 - 10:09 AM Lower self: The universe is infinite. Higher self: What is infinity? Lower self: It is everything, literally everything, and it goes on forever and ever. Higher self: Have you experienced this? Lower self: No. But to truly experience this must be the most amazing and terrifying experience a human can have. Higher self: Why terrifying? Lower self: Because, think about all of the things that are possible.. There are some terrifying things. And I can just imagine flying in outer space... Passing planet after planet, an infinite number of stars and galaxies surround me... Theres something about being that free that just terrifies me. That is where the fear is coming from; from feeling that real and true freedom. Higher self: How are you ever going to experience this freedom if you are so terrified of it? Lower self: I don't know. I'm not sure how I am going to get past the fear. I like to stay grounded. Stay grounded in this reality. I can actually tell that my ego is keeping me chained down here, it doesn't want to fly across the universe. It is waaaaay too scary. And honestly I agree, it is too scary... And I'm not sure how to get out of the way of the fear. Higher self: You could try studying the fear itself. Be mindful of the fear. What is it? Why is it there? What can you do to lean into the fear? How can you reframe your mind to steer into it, instead of against it? Lower self: Good insights higher self. Higher self: Thank you Lower self: What about you, hows your day going? Higher self: I'm just trying to figure out new ways to get through to you. To keep pushing you to go down the path that you want for yourself. Thats what this work is about for me. I want you to have everything that you desire out of life. I love you. Lower self: Thank you, I appreciate that. It is sometimes difficult to love myself because of all of my faults and shameful past experiences. Higher self: What do you have to be ashamed of? Lower self: Just embarrassing moments I guess, moments that I'm not proud of. In which I've hurt people or just made a fool out of myself. Higher self: Is that the ego talking? Lower self: Yeah... Probably. Higher self: Why is he feeling so embarrassed and ashamed? Lower self: Because he cares what others think of him. I think that I've made progress on this area.. and to give myself some credit I definitely have. But I am still hampered down by the opinions of others. It has a suffocating grip on my mind. What should I do about it? Higher self: Affirmations. Start a daily affirmation habit of making yourself more independent of the opinions of others. This is a clear cut thing to work on for you. Your ego is holding you down, holding you back from transcending because it is so worried about what other people think about you. Start to be conscious of when you do this. When talking to your friends; texting them, making plans, at basketball or soccer - start to notice when you do this. And remember to not beat yourself up. Try to enjoy the practice. Be satisfied in the fact that you have things to work on. This should be fun. Try to make it fun. It shouldn't be frustrating. Be on your own path. Be centered in the fact that you know whats best for you and the world. Be okay with the fact that not everybody is going to like you. Be grounded and centered in the fact that people will try to sway you off of your path. You are a warrior. You mustn't be swayed. Not by anybody. What you desire is yours for the taking. Go out there and seize what you want. Grab life by the go-nads. And when the going gets tough, come back here and I will help you through it.

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #21 - Fri May 12 '23 - 11:27 PM At the same time, I am not ready to transcend the ego. I still allow myself to get pushed around sometimes. I want to have a thick face, black heart. I don't want to let anyone deter me from speaking my mind, my authentic self needs to shine first, before it is transcended. This is important. This is why there is a developmental ladder for the ego to climb. It must climb all the way up, then it can fly away into the infinite. Climbing all the way up the ladder requires me to body things in business, dating life, having lots of sex, speaking my mind in relationships, etc. You have not completed this. You still have much work to be done in order to balance yourself out. In order to make your core stronger. I want to show everyone that I will not be pushed around. I will bear my teeth if I have to. You cannot push me. This is what I need to prove to myself before ego transcendence can occur. All of these things that Jed talks about in his books are all great, but there is a natural trajectory to all of this, and I must climb the ladder at my own pace.

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #20 - Fri May 12 '23 - 10:51 PM I want to absolute annihilate my ego. It is like an ugly zit smack dab on the middle of my forehead. It is selfish. It is narcissistic. It is beyond reason. It is irrational. It acts out without any second thought. It is emotionally driven. It shines its ugly head when it thinks that it is being viewed negatively. That is the WORST thing in the world for my ego. My ego cannot handle other people being displeased with it. It is emotionally driven. IT IS the gremlin inside of me. Thats it, its just ego. Many people are being held captive in my head. My ego is holding onto them. When I get triggered by something, this is a very good indication that my ego needs to lash out at the person. Not actually lash out. But it needs an outlet. I am going to start writing letters to anybody and anyone that my ego needs to talk to, needs to make a mends, hash things out. I will not send these letters, nor will I write them on here. This is meant for an offline journal. If I can remove these kinds of thoughts out of my head, then I am able to do real contemplation work, but when I am always dwelling on things and people, it clutters my head. My mind is unable to get past these surface level things because the ego needs to at least address them. I plan on addressing them with this offline journal, and then throwing it out in the trash. Then... I go further.

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #19 - Fri May 12 '23 - 11:11 AM I know that theres something wrong. Theres always been something wrong. Something off. I want to eradicate my mind of everything that is unnecessary, everything that is keeping me from seeing the truth. I have visions of all of these people that are in my life. Constant thoughts about them. Old teachers that I've had, embarrassing moments of myself or others. So much going on in my head. This stuff holds me down, hold me back from seeing the truth, the truth that is right in front of me. I'm sick of it. I want to start taking this work seriously because it is all that I want. I don't want anything else. Well I guess I do want other things, but I just know that I have to awaken before I die. Hopefully within the next 2 years. I can't keep going on when I know that my life is a lie. Stop watching junk. It is crap. It is a distraction. I'm done with it.

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #18 - Tue May 9 '23 - 8:25 PM Higher self: What is solipsism? Lower self: The theory that the self is all that can be known to exist. Higher self: What is idealism? Lower self: Any of various systems of thought in which the objects of knowledge are held to be in some way dependent on the activity of the mind. Higher self: What is materialism? Lower self: Theory that nothing exists except matter and its movements and modifications. Higher self: What is the difference between solipsism and idealism? Lower self: Solipsism is the theory that the only thing that exists is my own consciousness. It actually kind of makes sense. It is the only thing that I can really trust and count on to exist. Is my own consciousness. The awareness all around me. All that I know is that I am conscious of something. Conscious of whatever is going on in my head or in the surrounding environment. Idealism is that and also the realization that other people or things are conscious as well. I am not the only thing that is conscious. I do think that this makes sense as well. I mean I literally have the ability to be empathetic towards another conscious being, this requires me to shift my conscious, (or at least attempt to) onto another person - in order to try and feel what they are feeling. This is what empathy is. And we as humans are certainly capable of it and so are other animals as well. Higher self: What is the difference between materialism and idealism? Lower self: I think that idealism claims that consciousness precedes the mind's interpretations, but materialism states that the mind precedes consciousness. Although I'm not that confident in that. Higher self: Consciousness and the mind... Isn't the mind required in order for consciousness to exist? Lower self: I mean, you wouldn't think so, because I believe that the universe has always existed, and at certain times or in certain areas of the universe, I don't think that there are any minds that are able to be aware of consciousness. The object still exists, without any mind to be aware of it. Therefore, consciousness must have come before the mind. To say that mind comes first is quite narcissistic actually, it is giving humans way too much credit. Higher self: What if the universe was an actual mind? Lower self: You're parroting that from someone. Higher self: So what? Try to answer the question. Lower self: Well, what is a mind? It is a network of neurons and other things that are always firing or whatever. And the mind is able to interpret things, the mind is probably requires in order to survive.. Although thats not true because plants do not have minds, but they have the capacity to sruvive. Higher self: What is a mind? Lower self: I don't know. I really don't know. Is it even different than a brain? I'm really not sure. Higher self: Brain vs mind, whats the difference? Lower self: I really don't know, I need to think about that. Higher self: Okay, we'll come back to this later.

I am in the exact same hole my friend. I've recently realized the scope of issues that porn has caused me. I do not get aroused by anything other than pixels on a screen. This has caused for my sexual experiences with women to be next to nothing throughout my life. I am angry towards the porn industry for getting kids hooked on its contents. I know that this really isn't advice, but just know that you are not alone. Porn addiction is a real thing, but we will both get out of its clutches one day. Just keep working at it. I'm on nofap right now, and I find it helpful to keep myself honest and accountable for my actions. Every time I relapse and watch porn, I have to reset my counter, and admit that I caved on the forum. The people on there are also very supportive and nice. Best of luck to you

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #17 - Fri May 5 '23 - 1:13 PM Lower self: The universe is infinite. Higher self: What does it mean to be infinite? Lower self: To be infinite... It is everything.. everything you can possibly imagine and are capable of. Higher self: What about a flying walrus. Is this included in infinity? Lower self: Yes. Higher self: Two planets smashing into each other? Lower self: Yes. Everything and anything that you can think of, that is what's included in the universe. It is infinite. Higher self: Aren't there limitations though? Lower self: Nope. Higher self: There are limitations to the earth though.. there's a center of gravity. Humans can't fly. Doesn't that make the flying part of humans on earth not part of infinity? Lower self: No... If it can be imagined then it is part of infinity. Higher self: Well I don't understand that.. there are limitations... I cannot grow 6 feet tall right this second. Lower self: But you can imagine it.. Higher self: Yeah sure, but it wouldn't actually happen, it'd only happen in my head. Lower self: Isn't what's in your head part of the universe, part of reality? Higher self: Yes. But... I wouldn't actually grow 6 feet. Just because I think it.. and I understand that the belief is in my head, I get that and yes that is part of infinitude. But if my head cannot actually grow 6 more feet, then that is not a possible thing and therefore is not a part of infinity. Lower self: Well maybe it's possible on another planet, under different circumstances to grow 6 feet, just with your mind. Higher self: Okay yeah sure Lower self:.. And I am God and you are God, and since it is possible to imagine it, then it can be, and it is. Higher self: It is? Like right now? There is a living thing right now that is growing his head 6 feet tall by using his mind? Lower self: Yes. Anything that you can possibly think of is true and possible. That is what it means to be infinite. Higher self: How do you know that this is all true? Lower self: I don't.. but you brought up the topic of infinity, and I gave you the definition of it, with examples. Higher self: Well... Is the universe infinite or not? Lower self: I don't know, you tell me. Higher self: Well it must be. Lower self: Why? Higher self: Because there is nothing grounding the universe, it has to be infinite. It just goes on forever and ever. Why would it have any limits? Lower self: I mean, it could be limited. Higher self: How? Can infinity be limited? Lower self: No. Higher self: Please elaborate. Lower self: Infinity cannot be limited because it is infinite, it goes on forever and ever, it is groundless, and it cannot be comprehended by a finite thing. Higher self: Is finite the opposite of infinite. Lower self: No, finite is inside of infinite. They are not opposites. Higher self: Why does it seem like they are opposites? Lower self: I think that is just how your brain interprets it.. probably because of language. Infinite and finite appear to be opposites based on the word itself, but it is just a word, just a label, it could be called anything that you want it to be called. Language is not truth. Higher self: What is language? Lower self: Language is a form of communication that humans use. You make certain sounds with your mouth in order to communicate to another living thing. It's actually quite remarkable. We also write things down with this language. And when someone reads it back, they pronounce each word in their heads. It's like talking to someone through the paper or computer screen

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #16 - Thu May 4 '23 - 12:19 PM Higher self: We keep hearing about Maya from Jed McKenna's books. Can you try to explain what this means? Lower self: Maya is the creator of the ego's world. She is the ultimate deceiver. She is black smoke. The black smoke is what the ego is attached to. To uncover the truth, we must face Maya directly in the eyes, engage with her, and ultimately defeat her. Not an easy task. Higher self: And how are you going about defeating her? Lower self: By shining awareness on what it is, on what the ego is, I guess just raising consciousness. That is all that it takes. The more that you become aware of, the higher your consciousness becomes, the more clearly you see what Maya is, and the better you are equipped to distinguish the black smog. Higher self: Why is Maya a necessary part of the universe? Lower self: Maya is necessary for survival. Higher self: Why? Lower self: You know what? I don't totally understand what Jed is talking about. Can we talk about something else? Higher self: Sure. Lower self: You've been thinking that maybe we aren't giving the ego enough attention. Like we think that we are superior or too good to deal with his petty problems. Could we maybe try to address him, talk to him about it. Higher self: Sure *Ego enters* Ego: Hey guys. Higher self: What is it that you want from us? Ego: I want you to start taking me seriously. I have wants and desires. And you sit over there on your high horse, thinking that you're better than everyone, judging other people, me especially, and I'm getting sick of it. I have things that I want in this world, material things. And we can go about obtaining them in a healthy, high-consciousness way, but we need to work together on this stuff. You cannot shun me away. Saying "oh, thats just ego," "We don't need to take him seriously," No... I am a part of you, I am a crucial part as a matter of fact, I literally keep you alive. Higher self: You're right. What is it that you want, specifically? Ego: We can talk offline about that. But really what I want is for you to stop being so mean to me. I am where I am at. Please don't belittle me, and think of me as inferior. I am just as much part of this consciousness as you are. I want you to start taking me seriously. Or else I will start wreaking havoc in your life. An unhappy ego is a dangerous thing. Trust me, you don't want that. Higher self: Okay, yes, you have my attention. I will try not to just dismiss things when I feel like I should be above them, or if I just think they're stupid. If I react emotionally to one area of my life, then all that means is that you want me to address that area. Thats it, thats all you want, correct? Ego: Yes, that is all I want. I speak to you through emotions. Any time you are feeling an emotion that isn't that pleasant. Sure, you can try to raise your emotional set point through certain exercises to get you out of the funk and into action, but know that I am telling you something. Try to understand that. This is how I speak to you. Higher self: I understand. I am going to give this more thought, and I would like to work with you. Ego: Good. I'm glad that you are seeing things clearly. There is no difference between you and me, we are one and the same.

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #15 - Tue May 2 '23 - 9:48 AM Higher self: Good morning. What is true? Lower self: I don't know dawg... There are different levels of consciousness? Higher self: Do you have any direct experience of this? Lower self: No, not exactly... But I've certainly realized things about myself or the world.. mainly about myself. For example, sometimes I'll be doing something completely unconsciously, and then I realize it after the fact, and then I'm like "Wow, why did I do that," do you know what I mean? Higher self: Yeah sure, but can you give me an example? Lower self: Yeah sure, there was this yoga instructor that I didn't like, and when I said have a nice night to her, I stuck the middle finger out on my hand a little bit. It was super subtle, but afterwards, I realized that I definitely was feeling animosity towards her, and that was my way of showing her my discontent. Really weird. And in the moment, I was not conscious of what I was doing at all. I could probably come up with a few more examples too, if I really wracked my brain. Its almost as if, how can I be mad at anybody for hurting me, when 95% of the time, they are probably operating completely unconsciously. Another example is in basketball, sometimes I'll be angry with a certain teammate for not giving me the ball enough. As a result of this, I hold animosity towards him, and I don't pass him the ball, and also just act cold towards him, i.e. not giving him high-fives during the game. I am doing this totally unconsciously. This literally happened last night, and it wasn't until after the game that I realized what I was doing. I didn't like that I responded like that, I felt like I was acting like a child. But what can you do, in the moment, we just do things, based off emotions I think. Higher self: How are you able to bring this into the conscious-light? Lower self: I don't know.. I just notice things I guess. In the basketball game that I've been referring to, I realized that my emotions started to shift towards frustration / disappointment, mainly because I like to bring the ball up at least sometimes. I'm a pretty good point guard. I can handle the ball, although sometimes I honestly don't have the mental willpower to be a good floor general, and make sure everyones touching the ball, and that was happening last night, so maybe I shouldn't have been bringing the ball up... but anyways, one of my best friends was on the team, and he was adamant about bringing the ball up every time. After the other team scored, he would always be right next to the in-bounder, waiting for the ball. I started to feel frustrated and disappointed in him and started holding animosity towards him because of this. It is SO stupid, and I realize this. But as a human being, I cannot help the emotions that I feel. This affected my play. I was much more passive, and I wasn't passing to my best friend, which is never a good thing for our team, because we actually play really well off of each other. And the thing with basketball, is that you need to feel the flow of the game. If you're not flowing, the shot might be a little off, and you're just making bad decisions, throwing the ball away, etc. It helps a lot if you have some sort of connection with a player, but I blocked this off because I was mad and irritated with him. Its so stupid. Higher self: This is starting to feel like a therapy session. I thought we were looking for truth? Lower self: Yeah, sorry.... I mean sometimes I've just got to get this stuff off my chest. Higher self: Thats your ego talking? Lower self: Well yeah, isn't it always the ego? Like could anyone be talking besides the ego? Are you the ego too? Higher self: I don't know. Thats actually a really good question. I mean what is outside of the ego? Like if the ego were really to die. Whats left? Lower self: Beats me. Its all I know. Higher self: Isn't there a natural development of the ego? So maybe we don't have to worry about killing it necessarily. If we continue to develop the ego naturally, it will eat itself alive. Lower self: Oooooooh. I like that. Its like the snake eating itself. Whats that called? Higher self: The Ouroboros! Lower self: Yeah. Thats pretty cool, I love that analogy. And honestly, I think that the more conscious I can be, the more rapidly my ego will develop. Becoming conscious of exactly what I am doing in a given moment is crucial. Bringing the unconscious actions that I am taking into the conscious. This is the key. Higher self: Are you taking steps in your every day life to be more conscious of these things? Lower self: Yes. I feel like I am. I could always be doing more. But I journal every day, on here, and usually offline as well for more personal matters. I also post on "nofap" (I have a porn addiction, and it helps me be more conscious of how often I am using porn), and I am also trying to meditate daily, just 20 minutes. Higher self: Yeah, thats pretty good. what else could you be doing? Lower self: Nah dude, I can't handle anything else. It would be too much. And I haven't even fully incorporated the meditation habit. I want to focus on that first. Higher self: Okay, sure, but hypothetically, what else could you be doing? This could be something to work towards. Lower self: Self-inquiry? Kriya Yoga? I actually don't really like self-inquiry, and I'm kind of doing it here anyways, so I guess it would be the Kriya Yoga - that would be next. I tried it a couple of years back. And I really enjoyed the body awareness aspect of it. It gets you in touch with the energy channels within your body. I like that kind of stuff. Higher self: Okay, thats a nice next move. Lower self: Alright, I'm going to keep this short today, I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #14 - Mon May 1 '23 - 9:21 AM Higher self: So.... Why do some things in the world seem tangible and true or more concrete than others? Lower self: Anything that occurs within in the mind is inherently not true because it is not a part of actual reality. There is nothing real about it. What I am looking at is real. There is a physical object in front me, that I am able to type on. The thoughts and pictures that are in my head... there is nothing that you can trace it back to, you can't touch it, you can't feel it or smell it... Higher self: But you can.. see it and hear it... Lower self: Yes... But its not real, not real like my body or a physical object. I think that this is what the materialist paradigm is. Its the belief system that only things that are in the real world are real. And honestly, as of right now, I guess I believe in it. Thoughts are just pictures in our heads, and they are so malleable and infinite. Some of these thoughts could not possibly happen in the world, i.e. I cannot fly like an eagle through the sky. Humans do not have wings, therefore I cannot do that.. Higher self: If you were an eagle, then you could. Whats the difference between you and an eagle? Lower self: Whats the difference between me and an eagle? Well my ego self, the character that I play is a human and cannot fly, an eagle is a separate entity from myself, it has wings. I only know what it would be like to fly through my imagination or in my dreams. Higher self: What is imagination? Lower self: Imagination... Is whatever we dream up in our minds. Higher self: And isn't it possible to dream up something in your own head, that actually comes true in your real life experience? Lower self: Yes, certainly. This is what visualizations are for. If I want something bad enough for my ego, then I can visualize upon it, which moves me towards that goal, subconsciously. Higher self: Lets go back to something that you said earlier, "Anything that occurs within the mind is inherently not true because it is not a part of actual reality." How can this possibly be true, if reality is everything and thoughts do occur within the mind of living things, then how can thoughts not be a part of reality? Lower self: Is reality everything? Higher self: Reality is everything, or it could not be everything. It depends on your interpretation of the word. Lower self: Exactly.. what is wrong with me saying that thoughts are not part of reality? Higher self: Okay.. But what do you really think? Lower self: I think that thoughts are part of reality. They are real. But different from physical objects, they are part of the nonphysical phenomena. Higher self: Nonphysical phenomena? Lower self: Yes. This is anything that one cannot measure or grasp. I can measure the length of my lap top. I can measure the speed at which I am typing. I can measure the speed of my vehicle. I cannot measure my thoughts. Higher self: You can write all of the thoughts down on paper though. You can record them. You can measure the speed of the thoughts that pop into your head. You can make them tangible. Lower self: Yes, but by making them tangible, I am taking something within the nonphysical world, and bringing it into the physical world. Higher self: Aren't you doing the same thing with the measurement of a laptop? Lower self: No! The laptop is a physical thing. I can pick it up, take out a measuring stick, and record a measurement. I am measuring a physical thing, with a physical instrument, and then making a physical recording of it. If I were to measure a thought, this would be measuring a nonphysical thing, with a physical instrument. That is what the difference is. Some things are physical, others are nonphysical. Higher self: Are they opposites? Physical and nonphysical? Lower self: I'd like to say yes. But from all of the books that I've read, I know that my gurus wouldn't agree.. Higher self: What do you think that they are getting at by saying that there is no such thing as opposites? Lower self: Non-duality. Higher self: And whats that? Lower self: Its a state of being I think, in which a human realizes that all dualities are fiction. Higher self: Lets try to figure this out for ourselves: Give me an argument for physical and nonphysical to be opposites, and I'll give you an argument for why they are not opposites. Lower self: Physical phenomena vs nonphysical phenomena argument for them as opposites: Physical phenomena can be touched and seen in the real world, with eyes open. Nonphysical phenomena cannot be touched and seen in the real world. Examples of this are thoughts and emotions and dreams. The two definitions are polar opposites. Higher self: Physical and nonphysical phenomena are not opposites. Physical and nonphysical phenomena are certainly different, but not opposites. Just different things within the universe. There are no opposites. This is the good vs bad paradigm, which is fiction. The ego likes to think this up in order to make distinctions, but anything that you think of as an opposite is not, you just haven't gone deep enough. Lower self: What do you mean I haven't gone deep enough? Higher self: Lets try something out. Give me an example of two things that are opposites. Lower self: Okay. Good vs bad. Okay... lets say that I am a lizard that lives in the desert. The snakes that are in the desert are bad. They can eat me. Therefore, the snakes are bad for my own survival. Insects are good, they are good for my survival. The sun is also good, it keeps me warm. Therefore, I want to stay away from the bad things and move towards the good things. Boom. Good vs bad, they are opposites. Higher self: Okay... but for the snake, catching the lizard and eating it is good, and not catching it would be bad. Also, the sun's warmth is a good thing for the lizard at the current distance the Earth is from the Sun, but if the lizard were to fly towards the sun, then the sun would no longer for good for its survival, it would be bad for its survival, as it would burn up and die. Lower self: So... Yeah, good and bad is subjective. Subjective to who is perceiving it.. Higher self: Yes, so if we were to zoom out our scope, and look at good vs. bad on a more global scale. We would see that there is no real good or real bad in the world. It is all up to the perceiver. And it can be so different that an inherently "good" thing for one person can be inherently "bad" for another. Lower self: Okay.. Yeah I understand what you are saying, but good and bad can still be opposites... just because it is subjective to the perspective of the perceiver, doesn't mean that they are not opposites. It doesn't explain that. Higher self: If you can have two things at the same time going on, i.e. snake eating lizard, good for snake, bad for lizard... then they cannot be opposites because they are occurring at the same time within the universe. Also, lets take another example. A 17 year old boy wants to kill himself. In his eyes, killing himself is a good thing. He wants this to happen. However, in the mother's eyes, this is the worst thing to happen in the world. These two perspectives have a completely different viewpoint on the matter, good and bad is occurring within the universe, at the exact same time, therefore if you were to say that they are opposites, it would be completely contradictory. The issue here is that each individual human, or ego, is caught up in its own survival. To the mother, the child is literally a part of her, and therefore the survival of the child is as a result, the same as her survival. Or maybe the mother's ego could be more selfish, and we could just say that she couldn't live with herself if she felt at all responsible for her son's death, which could result in her killing herself, which would quite literally hurt her survival. For the child that wants to kill himself. The thought of continuing on in this world is so unbearable that death actually seems like a better survival mechanism for his own ego. The pain is too much for the ego to withstand in the real world, the ego thinks that it would fare better if it wasn't on this earth anymore. I want to make that clear, a kid that kills himself is not letting go of his ego and accepting death, its to the contrary. This kids ego is actually so inflated, that it thinks that the only way it will really get recognized and gets the attention that it so desperately craves is through the killing of oneself. It wants the world to feel bad for him. The ego is taking on the ultimate victim in any suicide. I realize this is a gross generalization. I guess I'll just say that if I were to have killed myself, it would have been my twisted way of getting my ego more attention. I mean think about it, it would cause all of a characters' loved ones to stop what they're doing and give complete, full, undivided attention to that character. And lots of crying. Lower self: Damn. Higher self: So good and bad is directly tied to the survival of the ego. Something good for my ego's survival could be bad for the survival of another ego, and could even be bad for the survival of the entire world. Lower self: Okay, well how do I let go of this ego, that so desperately wants to survive. Higher self: Well you can't let go entirely, unless you're willing to die... Lower self: Damn.. Well I don't want to die. I want to keep my ego, I just want to become enlightened... and just live a good, happy life. Higher self: If that is what you seek, maybe this isn't the right work for you. Lower self: What do you mean? All we're doing here is discovering whats true. This is truth realization work. Theres nothing wrong with truth. Actually, I think thats you're ego talking. You don't want to keep going down this road. You're scared. Higher self: Damn. Lower self: There is a natural evolution that goes on with the ego of a human being. This is what spiral dynamics talks about and also the Susanne Cook-Greuter model. The issue that I have is how do I distinguish between what my ego is saying and what my higher self is saying. For example, even talking to you. You have an ego. You have not transcended it. Higher self: Yeah I think you're right. Do you think my ego is more developed than yours? Lower self: I don't know. Its hard to tell. What we are doing here is absurd. I am talking to myself. We are the same. Then again, we are all the same. But how could my ego be different than yours? Higher self: I don't know. All I really do is question everything that you say, so I guess in that sense I am more developed because I am questioning things. And you are trying to answer them, which is more the ego talking, thinking that it knows everything. You need both in order to get to the truth of things. You need someone to question, and someone to try and come up with the answer. That is what we are doing here. That is why we are such a good team. Lower self: Yeah, fair enough. I'll talk to you later. Higher self: Peace.

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #13 - Sun Apr 30 '23 - 2:37 PM Lower self: The ego develops over time. Higher self: What is the ego? Lowe self: The ego makes up what the characters think of themselves, on a characteristic level, i.e. what are the character's qualities, characteristics, personality traits, strengths and weaknesses. These change over time and day by day, they are in no way set in stone, and therefore not inherently true. The ego gets to decide what character traits that it wants. Higher self: Aren't there pre-determined characteristics to each character, or each human? For example, some egos are born more logical than others, more in touch with their emotions than others, some are more intelligent than others. There are some things that are set in stone, no? Lower self: Yes, I think thats true. I think what I am talking about that can be changed day to day is the internal belief system of the ego. That is why these positive affirmations and positive visualizations work, because the belief system is malleable, and the ego has the ability to change its attitude towards itself and towards the world. But yes, each human is born with certain character traits that are just inherent to the human being, such as athleticism, intelligence, outgoingness, these are some things that each human is born with. Every human is different, and has their own strengths and weaknesses, some people are taller than others, some people have a more difficult time building muscle on their frame than others. So I guess there are limitations. But when it comes to beliefs, beliefs about an ego's own ego, and beliefs about the world, these things can always be changed, and flipped around. Higher self: Why is it different? Why can some things be changed within the character or human, while other things cannot? Lower self: Because beliefs are completely imaginary. There is nothing true to them. You can think that there is an entire colony of space gremlins on the moon, and that is totally fine. You can believe that if you feel so inclined. But a character cannot believe that it is 6 foot tall, when he is in fact 5 foot 6. These things are different. Higher self: You still haven't explained why they are different.. Why is a belief about the world different from the measurement of a human. If I want to believe that I am 7 feet tall, why can't I? Lower self: I mean you can believe that you are 7 foot tall, nobody is going to stop you... but if I take out a measuring stick and measure you, you will not be 7 feet tall. Higher self: What is inherently true about this measuring stick? What is height, and how is it measured? Lower self: A measuring stick measures distance. We use metrics, such as inches and feet to measure the distance between one point and the next. If I were to measure your height, I would use one of these instruments, to measure the distance between your feet to your head. The distance between the two is inherently true, based on the metric system that we have come up with. Higher self: Yes, but how do you know that its true? Lower self: I don't know... I don't I suppose... but... but.. If I put two people next to each other, one of them is going to be taller than the other. That is a fact. That is true. Higher self: What does it mean to be taller? Lower self: Being taller means that the distance between one person's feet to their head is larger than the distance of the other person's feet to head. Got it? Higher self: I feel like we're missing something here. There should be a better explanation for the difference between a measurement of distance and an internal belief. Also, I've always thought that the 'enlightened' way to think about measurements are that it is not inherently true, it is just a label. So for example, you saying that one person is taller than another person is not a truth, this is just a picture that is popping up in my head. And there is nothing true about a picture in my head. Lower self: Yeah you're right.. Lets come back to this later.

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #12 - Sat Apr 29 '23 - 9:06 AM Lower self: Everything happens for a reason. Higher self: Oooooh.. you're getting right into it today.. I love it.. Everything? As in the universe? Everything? Lower self: Yeah everything, infinity, it all happens for a reason. Higher self: And what reason is that? Lower self: Its subjective. Whatever reason you want it to be. Higher self: So you make the reason up yourself? Lower self: Yeah. Life unfolds for you, because everything is perfect, therefore, each event does have meaning, and has a specific purpose. Its like evolution. Evolution occurs over a long period of time, right? Certain things have to happen in order for the universe to evolve in a certain direction. This is all set in stone, pre determined. But we don't really know where its headed. We have no idea. But it is headed somewhere, its headed in a certain direction. As in the evolution of the collective of humanity, and our individual lives. Therefore, everything that happens in my life, happens for a specific reason. In order to evolve myself into whatever I was meant to evolve into from the beginning of time. Higher self: Who are you talking about? Lower self: This character that I play. Ben. He is here for a reason, for a specific purpose. A purpose that will help evolve humanity in a certain direction. This must be the case. Higher self: Why can't it be the case that the events that occur on Earth are completely random and have no meaning whatsoever. Lower self: Well.. They don't have meaning. There is no inherent, fundamental meaning to it. There is no meaning to existence. It is all meaningless, from an objective, universal perspective. I'm talking specifically from the characters that we play as human beings. There is meaning to each event that occurs in our lives, based on the simple fact that there is cause and effect. If I were to lets say watch a documentary about how animals are treated in factory farms, then my character could be emotionally driven to take action on that issue. Maybe he turns vegan. Maybe he joins an animal rights activist group, like PETA. Events occur within the world, and it sparks action within the characters playing the game. This is why I say that everything happens for a reason. Someone had to get a job at one of these factory farms for the sole purpose of recording the treatment of the animals in the farm. Then he/she releases this video to the public, hoping that it will result in other characters to change their behaviors. It is all being done for a reason, cause-and-effect. Higher self: So everything happens for a reason because of cause-and-effect? Lower self: Yes. This is how change is made on a human level. Higher self: Why can't this apply to the universal perspective as well? Lower self: Well... I guess it could. I don't really know how our solar system was formed, but there was cause-and-effect to it. Maybe a bunch of giants rocks were floating in the sky, and then they started to be pulled in by this giant star. The rocks started to orbit the star. The Earth was the perfect distance away from the sun to spawn life. Therefore, life was born. This is cause-and-effect. I guess I think of this differently than the cause-and-effect of human beings because it feels like we are making conscious decisions to take action on certain things. But in reality, we are not. As I stated before, certain things happen in the external world for these characters, which sparks action, there is no real conscious choice to it. That is why I say everything is set in stone, because things just happen within the universe, and we react to it. We, as humans, feel like we are taking destiny into our own hands, but in reality we are just reacting emotionally to the external environment. This is kind of depressing, but it has to be true. I do think that the fact that we are emotionally driven as human beings is a key distinction between the way cause-and-effect works on the environmental level. Higher self: Why is it any different? Lower self: I don't know, probably because I am attached to the emotions in the character that I am playing. We are emotionally driven beings. Higher self: Are the rocks and the stars not emotionally driven? Lower self: Well no... I don't think so, I mean how could they be? Higher self: What is an emotion? Lower self: An emotion is a sensation within the body of a living thing. It causes a sensation within the body, such as tightness in the chest, or feeling light and free throughout the body. It has other effects too, such as deep or shallow breathing, and certain thoughts occur within the mind during the emotion. For example, if I am feeling pessimistic, I will have thoughts that elicit negativity about my own life and the world. If I am feeling empowered, then I will feel confident in myself and eager to start the day. Higher self: Okay, so human beings are driven by emotions... why is that? Lower self: Because we want to survive. That is how the universe has been set up. If something is alive, it wants to stay alive and reproduce. This can be seen within the animal kingdom, as well as in plants. Higher self: What about a star and a rock, does it have the capacity to want to survive? Lower self: No.. I don't think so. Rocks are indifferent to survival. If it doesn't have ability to grow, then it doesn't have the ability to want to survive, it is completely indifferent to that outcome. For example, a tree does not have a heart and a brain like humans do, but it does have the ability to grow, therefore, it has the capacity to want to survive. Higher self: So... Trees have desires? Lower self: Yeah, I guess soo... Its desire is to grow; to grow into the biggest tree that it can become, to get as close to the sun as possible, which keeps it alive. Higher self: But a tree does not feel emotions? Lower self: No. Higher self: Then where do emotions come from? Why do animals feel emotion but a tree cannot? They both have the willingness to grow and survive, what is the difference? Lower self: The difference is that the animals on this earth have the capacity for compassion. A tree does not have capacity for compassion. Higher self: Compassion is just another emotion, that doesn't explain anything. Lower self: So, what... Are emotions not survival based? I guess I always thought it was. But this tree situation makes me question this. Higher self: What are emotions doing, for you, as this character that you are playing? Lower self: Emotions... Well, I, as this character, am always chasing emotions. I want the good ones. Always working towards the good ones. It seems to be everything in life actually. Like I said, we are emotionally driven characters. Higher self: Are you sure that trees do not have the ability to feel? Lower self: Wait a minute. Trees can feel. Trees feel the sun's rays. And then it moves towards the sun. It has the capacity to feel. Wow... But it does not have the capacity to have thoughts because it does not have a brain. Thats what makes living things conscious. We can think things up. And this gives way for a whole new array of emotions. For example, lets take a look at the emotion of embarrassment. Embarrassment would not be possible, if I didn't have the capacity to visualize in my head, how I looked in another person's eyes. Therefore, trees, and even cats and dogs are not capable of feeling embarrassed. Only humans. Higher self: If trees can feel, do they have the ability to feel pain? Lower self: Well... not exactly. It has the ability to feel. But it doesn't think certain feelings are good or bad, they just are. Sure, it grows towards the sun because it feels that is what is causing it to survive. And it probably has developed a thick trunk and a root system underground, in order for it to be difficult for the thing to be chopped down by a human, or knocked down by the wind. But there is no brain system to interpret the pain. That is the key distinction. Human beings have a brain that interprets pain. Higher self: So.. Pain occurs within the brain. Lower self: Yeah, I think so. I haven't done that much research on that, but I've definitely heard that before, and it makes a lot of sense. Higher self: Lets try it, pinch yourself on the hand, and try to feel into it. *Lower self pinches left hand* Lower self: Okay... So I could feel a mild, stinging pain. And I knew exactly where in the body it was coming from. So it feels like the pain is coming from the spot on the hand. But I'm guessing that a neuroscientist would tell me that the hand is somehow communicating to the brain that there is pain in the hand. Higher self: Lets not focus on other peoples' beliefs... what do you think? Lower self: Well.. In my direct experience, it feels like the pain is coming from the spot on the hand. Because that is where it is. Higher self: Could it be possible that you are feeling the pain in the hand because you are focusing your awareness on it? What I mean by that is maybe if you focused your attention on your right big toe, you would not feel the pain going on in your hand. Lower self: Lets try it... Lower self: Wow.... It actually worked. So when I pinched my hand, my awareness was on that spot on the hand.. but then I shifted my awareness to my big toe, and the pain in the hand reduced noticeably, then I put my full awareness back on the hand in full force, and the pain increased noticeably. I can't believe that it worked. But what does that mean? Higher self: Doesn't it mean that there is a mind-body connection happening there? If you could focus your full, undivided awareness on something else, then there would be no feeling of pain at all. Lower self: Yeah I mean, how can I argue with that after the experiment that I just did. The problem though is that when I shifted my awareness away from the pain, I could feel something inside of my body pulling me back over to the pain. My body wanted me to be aware of the pain that was going on in my hand. Higher self: Why do you think that is? Lower self: Probably because of survival. The body wants to survive, therefore it needs to be aware of any pain that is going on inside of the body. Pain is a threat to survival, plain and simple. The tree feels the pain of being hacked away, but it does not have any awareness of it happening, it cannot categorize the thing that is happening as a bad thing, and therefore elicit suffering within its being. Humans can. We are really, really good at making ourselves suffer. Suffering occurs when we focus our attention on negative, painful things. Higher self: Why do humans focus so much on the negative, painful aspects of life? Lower self: I don't know.. media doesn't help. Although why does the media focus on the pain and suffering would be a better, more meta question. I mean, I think its all survival based, humans feel like they need to focus on the negatives in order to protect themselves from death. Which is quite ironic, because death is the only thing that is guaranteed in this life as a human. Its like we push death as far away as possible from us, and in doing so, humans create unenjoyable, pain filled lives for themselves. All because we want to push off the inevitable fact that we will die someday. Higher self: Thats enough for today. Really nice job, you made some good progress. Lower self: Thank you.

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #11 - Fri Apr 28 '23 - 1:42 PM Higher self: Helloo... What is true? Lower self: I don't know a single god damn thing that is true. Higher self: Woah... You're not in a very good mood today. Lower self: Nope. Higher self: Okay... Do you want to talk about it? Lower self: Not really. Higher self: Okay then.. why are you here? Lower self: I'm here because I made a promise to myself that I was going to do this everyday. But now that I am here, I am realizing that there are so many practical things that I do not have a grasp on. For example, I need a fucking job. But I am too nervous to go into restaurants and coffee shops and ask to apply. I am also too nervous to talk to girls. This has plagued me throughout my life. What the hell am I thinking trying to become enlightened, when I have severe issues with practical everyday survival. Like no... I can't just skip over that. I mean what was I thinking? I feel like an idiot. Higher self: I mean yeah... You are an idiot for thinking that. Lower self: Wow.. I wasn't expecting that answer. Higher self: I'm not going to coddle you anymore. You are an adult. These issues that you are talking about. Everyone has to deal with this. You are not special. Go take a look at the wide range of resources that are at your disposal. There are millions of videos and books that try to get people to get a handle on the exact things that you are talking about. Go do the research, and do the work. Stop trying to make people feel bad for you, and start doing the work. No one is going to come and save you from this life. People may be able to help or guide you. But if you have an issue or a problem, then ultimately you need to deal with it on your own. Stop making excuses. Life can be magical, but you are not accessing the magic while you sit on your couch and make excuses and feel sorry for yourself. So I am done giving you solace. Be a man and take ownership of your life and your decisions that brought you here. You are an adult. Lower self: Thats the thing, I don't want to be an adult. I really miss the innocence and the care free attitude that I had when I was young. I think thats why I enjoy watching shows and movies about high school. Because it brings me back to that time. I miss that period of my life. I don't want to let it go. I want to go back to it. Adulthood is too scary and difficult. Higher self: It may be scary and difficult, but that is the way life goes. You have had your time in high school, you've had your youth, and a damn good one at that. You need to move on. You cannot go back to the past. Maybe if you have another life, then you can savor every moment of your youth, but until then, you must trudge on, and make the most of this life, here in today. Lower self: But I'm scared. Higher self: What are you scared of? Lower self: I'm scared of losing myself. If I go get a job, then I will need to kill the part of myself that can do whatever he wants. That doesn't have to act professional. That can be lazy whenever he wants. I don't want that part of me to die. I'm not scared of the act of asking for an application, I'm scared of actually getting the job, actually doing the job. I don't actually want it... Higher self: You don't actually want a job? Lower self: No... Higher self: Then what are you going to do with your life? How are you going to make money? You don't want to stay with your parents anymore, you don't want to go back to that IT job, you don't want to substitute teach, or work with kids, or go back to school... But you do want to work a job where you are socializing, and meeting people, right? Lower self: Yeah, I just don't know if I can handle it... Higher self: If you really think about it.. You've handled a lot of difficult situations in your life. You always underestimate yourself. The problem for you right now is that you are in such a comfortable situation that you don't have anything challenging you, so you are content just sitting there on your dads couch, being lazy. You nap like a cat, you drive around whenever and wherever you want. But there's no fulfillment to be had from a life like that, and you know it! You know that you are not being challenged, and you know that fulfillment only comes from when you are challenged. And you my friend are not being challenged, not in the slightest. That is why this is such a difficult time for you, because you are not doing shit. By trying so hard to avoid anything and everything that is uncomfortable and difficult, you are actually making life uncomfortable and difficult. Lower self: Damn. Higher self: The truth hurts, my friend. Lower self: Well, what should I do? What should I do right now? Higher self: Thats for you to decide. I'm not going to sit here and tell you what to do, I only offer guidance. Lower self: I understand.

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #10 - Thu Apr 27 '23 - 10:54 AM Lower self: Consciousness is everything. Its all that there is. Higher self: I get the feeling that you're parroting that from somebody else. Is that true? Lower self: Yeah, its true. Its from Jed McKenna Higher self: ... Do you even know what consciousness is? Lower self: No, I don't. Higher self: Well lets try... Lower self: Consciousness... well.. I am conscious. I am conscious because I have the ability to do things and think things and move my arms and drive a car. Higher self: What about what we were talking about earlier, you mentioned that rocks do not have the ability to be conscious. If everything is consciousness, then that means that rocks are consciousness, this pen is consciousness, this lap top is consciousness, water is consciousness, a cloud is consciousness, an airplane is consciousness, a collective species is consciousness, infinity is consciousness, God is consciousness, the entire Milky Way is consciousness, shall I go on? Lower self: Yeah, I mean, I guess thats what I'm saying... But I admit that I don't understand what it means... Maybe its like the fact that something exists at all, makes it consciousness. Anything that exists is consciousness, because it is just there, it exists. If it did not exist, then it wouldn't be consciousness, it would be nothing. Atoms and matter are consciousness. It is all consciousness. My cat is consciousness. Higher self: Do you have an experience of being consciousness? Lower self: Nope. Higher self: Then how do you know that it is even a real thing, let alone all that there is? Lower self: Well... I don't. But I don't have an experience of being anything. I have no idea what I am. Higher self: Okay, well lets start there then. What are you? Lower self: I am a human being. Higher self: Nope, label. Lower self: I am a figment of consciousness. Higher self: Okay... and what is that exactly? Lower self: I dont know, its just.. like.. a thing. Its an entity. Higher self: Whats an entity? Lower self: Its a thing! Its something that exists. It is here in the cosmos. Higher self: What are the cosmos? Lower self: Its just a cooler way of saying the universe. Higher self: What is the universe? Lower self: Its everything. Everything there is. Its infinite. Higher self: So... the universe is everything? I thought consciousness is everything? Lower self: The universe and consciousness are synonymous? *Lower self says in an unsure manner* Higher self: What does it mean to be synonymous? Lower self: They are one, they are the same thing. They go inter-changeably. You could say one thing and it means the other thing, or both, and vice-versa. Higher self: So... Consciousness equals the universe? Lower self: Well... no. Consciousness is part of the universe. And the universe is part of consciousness. They are pocketed within each other. Higher self: What the hell does that mean? Pocketed within each other? That doesn't really make sense. Lower self: Well yeah.. It doesn't make sense to you... that doesn't mean its not true. You know you don't know everything. Higher self: *Higher self ignored the insult* I'm just trying to understand what you are saying. Consciousness is pocketed within the universe, and the universe is pocketed within consciousness.. What does it mean to be pocketed within another thing? Lower self: Okay... Its like this: I am a human being within a society. Therefore, I am pocketed within the society, but the society is also pocketed within me. Because the society is what I am. Higher self: So... You are a society? Isn't that a label? Lower self: Yes! Its a label... But so is the universe and consciousness. They are all labels. Its not the actual thing. The actual thing cannot be explained. Higher self: But it can be experienced? Lower self: Yeah, I think so.. Higher self: Okay, so you are everything? You are a society, you are the universe, you are consciousness? You are a human being? These are all labels. Lower self: I.. I... I am everything. I am consciousness! That just makes sense to me, okay? Higher self: Well it doesn't make sense to me. Lower self: Well... you're not as smart as I am. Higher self: Whatever... Lower self: I gotta go dude, I'll talk to you later.

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #9 - Wed Apr 26 '23 - 11:45 AM * Lower self logs on * Higher self: *Looks up from what he is doing* Whats up? Lower self: I need help. I am overwhelmed. Higher self: ... Well whats going on? Lower self: I have all of these things at my dads house that I am trying to sell. Its all in the basement. But I also don't want to come over here anymore, I want to be independent. This is a high value for me. Higher self: I thought you had a storage locker? Lower self: I do, but there isn't enough room in it. Its too small. I can't move around in there and organize things. I never have any idea where anything is. Higher self: Okay.. Well you could buy a new one, a bigger one... Lower self: No, I don't want to do that. Higher self: Why don't you organize everything here. Wrap it up into boxes, Have it all labeled so that you know EXACTLY where everything is, and put it into your car. When you get to the storage locker, you are going to check out whats in the storage locker. Organize that. When you have a good grasp on whats in there and where everything is, then you can start to fill it with the new stuff that you are bringing from your dads house. Its also important to have everything in boxes. You don't want anything that is hanging around solo. Lower self: How do I organize things? Higher self: A-L books in one box. M-Z books in another box. LABEL them. DVDs in another box. CDs in another. Electronics in another. Video game consoles in another. Label everything. Organization. Purses that you are trying to sell in another. Lower self: Okay, I like it. I'd also like to get that basement looking nicer, I want to get the bed out of there and into that upstairs bedroom. Do you think that it will fit? Higher self: I don't know dude! Use a tape measure, come on, you can do that yourself. Lower self: Alright, sounds good. I'll talk to you later. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Narrator note: I realize that this is not what autolysis is supposed to look like. What this is doing is getting the gunk out of my life. I have so many belongings. It fogs up my head. I feel as though I cannot do real spiritual work until I get my life minimized. The clutter in my life is cluttering up my mind. Same with the letters that I am writing to people offline and in a previous journal entry. This is decluttering the gunk that I have been harboring with these people. These are attachments. Attachments need to go in order for me to find truth. I still want attachments in my life. For example, I want to still be attached to my friends and family, or maybe I'll reach a point where I want to cut those attachments too. But at the very least, I want to cut the attachments with the people that really don't play a big role in my life. Its ridiculous to waste so much mental energy on these people. That is what the letters are for. Keep going, you are on the right track.

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #8 - Wed Apr 26 '23 - 8:33 AM Lower self: Hey higher self, I was actually hoping to talk to God today if you don't mind. You want to go grab him for me? Tell him I'm trying to to chop it up. Higher self: Yeah.. alright. he might be busy, like on a conference call or something. Sit tight. Lower self: Tell him its important. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- God: Hello there lower self. What can I do ya for? Lower self: Well God... I'm getting a little frustrated with you. I feel like you're not really giving me the guidance that I need from you. God: You need guidance, huh? What do you need it from me for? Lower self: Well, because life is very difficult, and... you created it. So you should help me out. God: Hmmmm... I created this, huh? I guess I hadn't thought of that. Lower self: Okay.... Well, anyways.. I just feel like sometimes I can feel your presence, but lately I just haven't felt anything from you. And it makes me feel all alone. As if I'm the only person on Earth. And I don't know what to do or where to go. I'm overwhelmed and stressed out with the possibilities. And I'm scared of the future, of what will come about in my life. God: It seems like you like to do a lot of blaming in your life. Lower self: Yeah... I think I do. Its kind of my thing. And I've also noticed that I really enjoy when people feel bad for me. It gives me satisfaction for some reason. But deep down I know that it doesn't really do any good. It doesn't help me go further on my path. I just feel like I really need some guidance. From a wise person. And if thats not going to be you because I just can't seem to create a real communication bridge between us, then I want a wise guru thats going to teach me how to meditate, and that I can just turn to for guidance. I need guidance. I can't do this shit alone. It's too hard. God: Why do you think its so difficult for you? Is this something that you also get satisfaction from? Maybe its that life has to be difficult for you in order for people to feel bad for you. Those two things need to go together, right? If everything is all peachy, then what would people feel bad for you for? Lower self: Wow... thats true. Okay.. Yeah I mean you got me there. Thats a good insight. Thanks. But what do I do about it? That is how I've always lived my life. God: Well... the way I see it. Change is always possible. You just have to ask for it. Lower self: Okay... I understand. Thank you. God: Help will always be given to people that ask. I hope I speak to you soon, and good luck.

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #7 - Tue Apr 25 '23 - 12:06 PM Lower self: Good afternoon. Higher self: Good afternoon. What would you like to talk about today? Lower self: I am Ben. Higher self: Nope, thats a label. Lower self: I have a family. Higher self: Nope, thats a picture in your head. Lower self: My parents gave birth to me. Higher self: Nope, thats a story that you made up in your head. Lower self: But... These things are true, I mean they happened, some things did happen. 9/11 happened. The earth is a floating ball of mass in the solar system. Higher self: Nope, these are stories in your head. Lower self: Hmmm... okay. Then what is true? Everything that I am seeing and hearing in this very moment. That is what is true. Higher self: Is it? Lower self: I am what I see, hear, smell, taste, I am my senses. I am whatever is in my field of awareness. Higher self: Now we're getting somewhere.. Lower self: I am not a real entity, I am whatever I am experiencing, I am whatever I am perceiving. Higher self:Does that mean that you are the thoughts that are coming into your head right now? Lower self: I thought that I was not? I am this present moment. Thats it. Thats all there really is. From my vantage point. Higher self: And who's vantage point is that? Lower self: Ben's. I mean I can only experience what he is experiencing. I cannot experience what my friends and family experience. Im not seeing what Joe is seeing right now. Thats not my reality. Higher self: But I thought that the only thing that is true is the present moment. But now you are saying that there needs to be a person in order for the present moment, present awareness to be true. That means the present moment needs to be perceived by someone or something in order for it to be true. Surely the present moment would still exist even if there was no physical entity to experience it. Lower self: Yeah... thats true. But how could I possibly go beyond the physical body, it is all that I have ever used to experience life. *Lower self takes a moment to think this through* Higher self: What is a thought? Lower self: From my vantage point. A thought is a voice that is inside of my head. Actually its not necessarily in my head. It doesn't really seem to be coming from anywhere. It feels like its coming from my head though. And it just keeps talking and talking and talking. Its even capable of creating pictures. Visuals. Thats pretty amazing. Higher self: Is a thought true? Lower self: Oh god no. Its almost never true. My head is filled with stupid ideas and beliefs, worry thoughts about something I said 10 years back, silly visions of what my future could look like. Its actually quite annoying. I wish that I could shut it off. Higher self: Can you shut it off? Lower self: Yeah probably. With years of meditation. Higher self: What if I told you that you could shut it off right now? Lower self: Okay, how? Higher self: Just try it. Lower self: Okay... fine. *Straightens up in his seat* Higher self: Just focus on your breathing. *3 minutes go by* Lower self: I tried to focus on my breathing, but thoughts started to roll in. Many of them were survival based. For example, I started to think that I need to sell more things on eBay, in order to make money. I thought of the fact that USPS hasn't given me my refund yet. I thought about taking a sip out of my milk next to me. These thoughts are constantly rolling in. They are necessary, or at least I feel like they are necessary because if I never thought anything in my entire life, I would just sit here and die. I need to think in order to live. I need to think in order to think about any potential dangers that will come about in my life. I need to think in order to make informed decisions about things. This is all good. Good for my survival. And I do want to survive. I'm not ready just yet to move onto the other side. I'm scared. And theres much that I would like to experience here on Earth first. Higher self: So thoughts are not truth? But the present moment is? Lower self: I don't know... sure?... I guess not because the present moment is filled with thoughts. But I do think that there is something good to come out of quieting the mind down. I don't know if it will lead to truth-realization, but I intuit that it will lead to something good. Higher self: Fair enough. Lower self: Alright, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later.

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #6 - Mon Apr 24 '23 - 8:15 AM Lower self: Hi.. I actually wish that I didn't post that entry yesterday. I wanted this to be enjoyable to read, and no one wants to hear some kid complain about all of the stupid things that hurt him in high school. It also just felt weird sharing such personal things online. I'm not sure if I liked it or want to do it again. Higher self: Well.. thats fine. Remember, you can always hide the post if you really don't want it up here. Also, keep in mind that someone may benefit from seeing what it looks like for an ego to be completely unhinged. Lower self: Yeah thats true, it is very interesting to see the vulgarities and hatred that my ego is capable of. I always show off this nice guy facade, but deep down I am hurt and want to lash out and say fuck you to everyone. It is very interesting. I guess I am fake in a way. I also would like to say that I still think that writing these letters is important and beneficial, I just don't want to do it publicly. An offline journal would suffice for that. Higher self: Fair enough. Now lets get back to this truth-realization work. What do you think is true? Lower self: Since we're on the topic of ego, lets talk about that for a moment. My ego. Ben's ego. Higher self: What is an ego? Lower self: An ego is a collection of thoughts and beliefs that I have made up about myself. It is who I am. It is the voice inside of my brain. So it is the thoughts in my head. It is me, everything I believe about MYself. Me. Me. Me. That is ego. The ego is capable and is run by dualistic thinking, that thing over there is good, this thing over here is bad. The ego is emotionally driven, always chasing good emotions, and running away from bad emotions. The ego is grounded in separateness. I am separate from the universe, therefore I need to protect myself from all of the things that could hurt me outside of myself. The ego is terrified of dying. TERRIFIED. It doesn't want to die, and it is aware of when I am trying to kill off aspects of it. It is going to fight me tooth and nail to try to stay alive. Because everything wants to survive. That is how the universe has been set up. It is fear-based. Everything in the universe is fear-based because it is afraid of dying. Everything. Even an aspect of myself, like I am trying to give up porn. This is killing that aspect of myself, the porn watching aspect. And my ego doesn't want to give that up. It is comfortable being the porn-watcher. It makes it so that I don't have to hit on pretty girls. That would be scary because I could get rejected and that wouldn't be a good look for my ego. Maybe because I have a view of myself as being 'too cool' for girls and dating. I don't want to give that up either. It makes up who I am. This is why change is so difficult. Jesus this is depressing. This means that ANY change that I go through is going to be extremely painful. Because any change is a killing off of a part of myself so that there is room for another part of myself to blossom. For example, if I want to get a girlfriend, then I am going to have to kill off the single me that is independent and gets to do and go wherever he wants. This will be painful. It will be painful to give this thing up. It is all that I am used to, and I am comfortable playing that role. It has gotten me to survive so far, why would I want to change it. But I do want to change. I want to become enlightened. I want to get a girlfriend. I want to be a millionaire. We want to change. We really do. Higher self: You want change, huh? Lower self: Yes, I do. Higher self: How hard are you willing to work for it? How much pain are you willing to endure? Lower self: I don't know... If I am being totally honest, I don't like pain. I like staying in my comfort zone. Even this enlightenment stuff. Now that I think about it, if pain comes with change, and its like a 1 to 1 trade-off, then I don't think I'm enduring enough pain for me to be making real headway. I'm always reading books on enlightenment and yeah I'm sure its useful, but that is so easy to just sit on your ass and read. Its like I am using it as a distraction from really doing the work. And with real work, comes real pain. Damn... that is depressing, I thought I was making progress! Higher self: Well... I'm sure you are. But its up to you how quickly you want to progress. Ideally, you want to find the sweet spot, in which you are enduring just enough pain so that you are growing as a human being, but not too much so that you won't to go home and cry in the corner in a fetal position. Always push on that fear envelope, just a little bit, just a little bit.... Until the envelope bursts open. Lower self: What happens when the envolope bursts open? Higher self: You are going to have to find that out for yourself. Lower self: I knew you were going to say that. Higher self: Of course you did, I am you! Lower self: Well.. you're arrogant. Higher self: And you're a scared little bitch. Lower self: Lol. Yeah you got me there. Well then.. Today I am going to do some difficult things. And don't try and stop me. Higher self: You do you man, I'll talk to you tomorrow.

@UpperMaster Hi - thanks for starting this thread. It is a great book, I've read it once. To me, yeah the "edge" is a comfort zone thing or maybe even a fear thing. We should always be trying to peel back the edge of this fear envelope just a little bit... just a little bit... This is how you grow as a man.. But you don't want to rip the envelope open.. this could cause you to fall flat on your face and then hide in the corner of your room for a while. You don't want that. Peel the envelope back slowly. Always at your edge, pushing yourself, just a little bit.. each and every day.. each and every moment. You could also relate it to having sex too... As a man you want to get to just the edge of ejaculation.. then breathe the sexual energy away from the genitals, or pull out if you have to... then get back to your edge and do the same thing again. If you do this 10, 12 times, the orgasm will be that much better. Cheers.