Spiritual Warrior

Interlude: Stage Green Tribute & Surrendering to Gaia About 6 months ago, I realized that I was deficient in areas such as red and blue. I had poor self-discipline, work ethic, and was unable to stick up for myself. I spent lots of energy focusing on these areas in my life. This caused me to completely abandon stage green, which has been a favorite stage of mine for the past 6 years. I stopped going to yoga, stopped giving hugs, stopped focusing on love, and even stopped eating healthy. I am saddened that I completely abandoned this beautiful stage in my life, but I suppose that I needed to give the lower stages my full attention. What is green all about? Stage green is about surrender, surrendering the body, surrendering the self, surrendering the ego, surrendering the identity, surrendering control, surrendering it all in favor of love. Yes, this is a feminine activity. You can surrender yourself through yoga, through dance, and through meditation. Surrendering yourself fully is necessary in order to truly transcend into tier two, into the being stages. This is not going to be easy. There are many things that hold you back from surrendering control, the desire for sex and money and approval to name a few. You think that you are able to attain these things through control, through brute force, but this is not true. Surrendering to your divine maker, this is the catalyst to reaching your true potential. Right now, I am holding onto the feeling of hate, hate for things about myself and also for other people that I deem as unacceptable. Surrendering to Gaia: This is the divine mother’s will, to allow our bodies, our identities, our entire existence to be surrendered, to dissolve into the cosmos. This is what true healthy green is, to give yourself up fully and openly in all situations. This is what my maker has designed me for. To achieve all that I want out of life and then to throw it all off of a cliff in search of something higher, something better, something more true. This is honest truth work, integrating the entire spiral is truth work. It is climbing the ladder of truth. It is climbing the flag pole of consciousness. And I want to reach the top, not that there is a top, I just want to reach as high as I can possibly go. Help me, Gaia, help me to surrender my entire existence to you. I don’t need the attachment to this body anymore. I want to be rid of this cumbersome body, I want to rid myself of the skin that holds it together. I want you to swallow me whole, I want you to take my body as a sacrifice. My devotion to you is eternal. Show me your face, show me that you are real. I want to see you.

Stages purple, blue, and green are more spiritual than the rest of the stages in tier one of the spiral imo, take a look at those and see what you resonate with. You probably won't resonate with purple but you may want to get into stage blue or green; stage blue is organized religion based spirituality and green is love based, heart-centered spirituality. But I don't think true non-duality can be discovered until you reach tier two thinking (yellow and beyond), this is when you start to take your ego out of the equation and start looking at the world from a lens of "what is true?" If you're serious about nonduality, then study yellow and turquoise and see if you can start to engage in activities that will get you into truth work where you can have some insights into nonduality.

The best way to achieve material desires is by using the Law of Attraction

The universe has constructed these situations for you, the meaning behind them is a construction within your own mind. Surrender yourself to the process, trust your intuition, trust your feelings, trust that whatever path you take is the path that must be taken. Don't overthink these things, go with the flow, surrender yourself to the flow of the universe, surrender yourself to your true nature. Life is a magical place Thank you for sharing and best of luck to you.

Oh my God.. This video is incredible - going to add this to my playlist of things to watch while on shrooms. Thanks.

Nice song. Can you explain why you interpret this as turquoise and not green?

Transcending the Spiral - Journal Entry #11 - Fri Sep 22nd '23 I have another idea; what if I constructed a daily schedule in which I hit every stage of the spiral throughout my day. Something happened today that made me want to try this. So I went into yoga class, I just woke up and went to it. Yoga is a great stage green activity, but I walked up to the counter triggering red's embodiment of not being swayed, deep voice, don't fuck with me attitude. I came off as unfriendly, but its because I'm working on something deeper here. Now if I can get red (and blue for that matter) triggered and embodied before I go out into the world on a daily basis, I will be able to trigger higher stages when out and about such as orange charisma and green love and empathy. Remember, you are not simply letting go of red and blue after engaging in the activity in the morning, you are triggering it and then letting it settle into your being so then you can move up to the next stage. The lower stages need to be embodies first in order for you to truly be comfortable engaging in the higher stages, otherwise you will feel like something is off or missing. Red: I would start with working out, triggering stage red aggression. Blue: Then I do something that requires discipline such as meditation and making sure to drink my protein shake every morning. Orange: Next triggering orange, making sure that I look good by showering and grooming myself, dressing up in a nice fit. Adding in some success driven affirmations or visualizations would be the next step, but lets just start with proper grooming because I haven't properly instilled that habit just yet. Green: For green, I am going to consciously think about love throughout the day or if its a Saturday or Sunday by going to yoga class. The idea here is that I can put love into the work that I do and the interactions that I have with people. I do think that I should really be triggering orange charisma as well in social interactions, but lets start with love for now and see how that goes. Focusing on the tier one stages is good enough for now, I don't want to overwhelm myself. The second tier will come, I will find ways to instill tier 2 next after I feel as though tier one has been fully integrated. The idea is to get the foundational blocks set in stone so that I am confident that I can transcend upwards. Regardless, here are some ideas for tier two, I can start to dabble in these activities as I see fit: Yellow & Turquoise: Reading books on Leo book list, studying Spiral Dynamics, doing truth work in Spiritual Autolysis Journal Good luck, excited to try this. I've been wanting to instill a daily habit for quite some time and using the spiral as a guide makes it a lot more fun.

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #50 - Thu Sep 21st '23 - 1:26 PM Higher self: What is true? Lower self: It is true that the ego is a mind construction. He is not truth. Higher self: Yes, we've established this, let's go deeper.. Lower self: The ego is not truth, the body is not truth, my thoughts are not truth, my brain is not truth... Higher self: But what about your intuition? Lower self: My intuition feels truth like... because when I am out and about, sometimes I feel as though I am tapping into exactly what I need to do or say in a given situation. It's as if I can feel the energy pulling me towards or against something... Higher self: What does this have to do with truth? Lower self: It has to do with truth because there is just something to this energy field of life. Some of the most amazing moments are when I can surrender my mind to this energy field and am able to let it decide what I do. The antithesis of this is when I overanalyze everything inside of my own head.. "Should I do this..? Should I do that?... Will this person view me negatively if I do that?... Will I offend?... Is this the most efficient use of my time...?" The mind is a God damn menace sometimes I'm not going to lie... a very useful tool but can be very annoying. Higher self: So you have decided that truth can be attained through surrendering your mind to the energy fields of life.. how are you going to work on this? Lower self: As soon as I wake up, I would like to try and tap into this energy field through meditation, it doesn't have to take long, just 20 minutes. Surrender the mind to the energy fields of life. Higher self: Yes, let the universe guide you. Decisions should not be difficult to make. Your mind likes to make them difficult because it enjoys the drama of it all, "Should I do this, should I do that... what if I make the wrong decision..." ... no, your true self knows exactly what to do in all situations in life. Let it do it's thing, stop resisting.

This felt more like a therapy session, but this is what the mind wanted to talk about today. Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #49 - Thu Sep 21st '23 - 1:02 PM Lower self: Alright, back to truth work. What's up dude, how are you? Higher self: I am good. You gave me quite a bit of rest this morning, which I greatly appreciate... What would you like to talk about today? Lower self: I feel like I am starting to develop some distance between myself ( whatever I truly am) and my ego, which I know is separate from myself. I am able to look at my ego as it's being triggered by situations which invoke negative emotions and just take a look a what he looks like. I picture him as this little blob, when he is angry, hell get red in the face and he'll be hoottin' and holerin' "But if he did that... if he doesn't do this... well you did this to me... hes such a prick"... when the ego gets embarrassed, I look at him and he just gets sad, his bottom lip curls up a bit and his eyes swell up and get moist. I feel bad for the ego in these situations, he doesn't deserve to feel embarrassed, he is perfect exactly as he is, I just want to give him a hug and tell him that everything will be okay, you are a perfect being. Higher self: What about when the ego is feeling positive emotions, do you give him distance then as well or no? Lower self: Damn higher self... that is quite the question.. Id really like to give this some more thought before answering, but I will try my best to answer it now.. no I don't think that I detach myself from the ego when I am experiencing positive emotions. Why would I? Positive emotions feel great. I want to feel like I am the one that is responsible for feeling icy and confident and happy and like I'm on top of the world. Why would I want separation from the ego then? Higher self: If you are giving the ego separation during hard times, why can't you give him room to breathe during good times as well? No one wants to feel suffocated. That's how the ego feels when you try to control him and are needy for him to feel good. Let him breathe. You now know how to create some distance between yourself and ego, now try to do it in more situations. Lower self: Yes sir, I can do that for you. I'll let you know how it goes.

Transcending the Spiral - Journal Entry #10 - Thu Sep 21st '23 One thing that I have realized is that I am capable of tier 2 thinking, this very exercise that I'm doing requires a tier two approach. I am going to now start journaling about characteristics that I would like to enjoy at stages red, blue, orange, green, yellow, and turquoise. I'm not saying that I'm at turquoise or even yellow, but it doesn't hurt to start to become aware of what it's all about up there and what I'd like to get out of it. I am capable, leave your limiting beliefs by the door. What I am trying to do is integrate every stage from red to turquoise. Each stage builds upon each other like Lego blocks. For example, if I were to trigger in a stage orange charisma while instructing my dance class without also having triggered a stage red power presence that feels as though it deserves respect, the charisma that I show my to students will be childish and goofy. I want both the respect and the playfulness. Without further ado, let's crack into the things that I am going to focus at each stage. I'll try to use specific examples if I can. Red: Deep voice: a deep voice that commands respect, that is sure of himself, assure of what he is saying, a voice that can be assertive if it needs to be Not caring what other people think about me, not smiling nervously when I feel uncomfortable or don't know what to do or say Working out for strength, pushing yourself to in workouts, eating a lot of protein Stop jerking off so much. You lose your inner strength and internal balance the day after ejaculating and a few days after. There should be a better balance to this. If you notice diminishing energy after ejaculating, it means that you are doing it too much. Try to get back to circulating sexual energy while masturbating and/or just doing it less Blue: Always being on time to work and social gatherings - out of respect for other people's time Having high integrity in all situations and dealings with other people, being honest, non - manipulative, straightforward Being disciplined when it comes to eating habits and workout plans, if I say that I'm going to do something, I am going to do it Working hard when you are at work Orange: Start dressing like a dance instructor, buying nice suits and nice ties, tailored clothing Working out for looks, high protein, low card diet, you want muscles but also a low fat body composition, this will make you look good with or without clothes on Become more charismatic, more charming, joking around with people, overall just trying to talk to people as much as possible - this is how you get better Green: Being more open sexually, I am very closed off because sexual interactions scare me, I know that this is not normal for most guys, I really want to work on this Holding better eye contact Always eating healthy foods, and meat from ethically sound farms ------------------------------------------------------------------ Yellow: Continue to read books, diverse books from Leos book list, this will give you a more diverse view on the world, also continue the spiral dynamics book so that you have a better understanding of the spiral When interacting with people, sometimes you are able to tap into what is the right thing to say to this person that will help them on their journey in life, grasp these opportunities and try to say something that will steer them in the right direction Start trying to think about your how your own development and things that you do in the world can actually have an effect on humanity as a whole, just think about this and how you can apply it Turquoise: Continue doing truth work with your spiritual autolysis journal Read stage turquoise books, so anything on consciousness work and holistic thinking Understand that everything that you are integrating on this spiral are really just character traits for your dream self. There is no true self within the beliefs that you hold or the traits themselves. Your true self is further than that. Continue with your consciousness work and you will find out what is left.

Transcending the Spiral - Journal Entry #9 - Tue Sep 19th '23 Some forum talk about tier 2 thinking got me thinking, what does it mean to be a tier 2 thinker? Am I engaging in it right now?... let's take a look: Tier One: Beige: Survival at all cost- style survival Purple: Tribalistic- style survival Red: Power hungry style survival Blue: Morale code style survival Orange: Materialistic style survival Green: Heart centered style survival I am using survival as the common denominator descriptive word for all tier one stages because thats really what it's about at tier one.. survival... survival of the ego. Tier one is characterised as perceiving the world in a way that says how can things benefit me. A prime example of this is Andrew Tate, he literally says that he does not care about truth, all he cares about is perceiving the world in a way that makes him competitive and successful. There is nothing wrong with this, this is just what he wants out of life. Now this is where things get interesting. At tier two of the spiral, the identity, the attachment to the ego, the neediness for it to survive starts to disintegrate. You start to perceive the world as how it is, what is the truth rather than how can my environment benefit myself or my own ego. We can call this needy perception at tier one and being perception at tier two. Tier two: Yellow: Systemic, multi - perspectival perception of the world Turquoise: Holistic perception of the world Assessment of myself as a tier 2 thinker: - Any honest to God truth work - trying to find out the truth in something no matter the cost requires you to put on tier 2 lenses * Do I engage in this? Yes. My spiritual autolysis journal is truth work, trying to discover the absolute truth of all of reality. Nice. - You start caring about the problems of mankind and the world as a whole, rather than merely your ego's problems * Do I engage in this? No. I do not care so much about the problems of all of mankind as of right now. My ego has many wants and desires that I have not actualized just yet. This is why I put so much focus on integrating the lower stages because I have many material desires. - You become aware that you are just one perspective out of many, and your perspective may differ from others. * Do I engage in this? I have a good understanding of this concept, but do I apply it in every day life when I make decisions? Ehhhhhh. I'm not sure.. I think that I can be pretty self centered when out and about in the world. I will look into this further. Let's say no for now. Conclusion: Will be looking for ways to integrate a more tier two thinking approach when out and about in the world from now on. This requires me to put my little ego on the side burner in a lot of situations. Could be a tall order.

For those of you that have read Jed's Enlightenment trilogy. Which facet of awakening do you think that he attained?

I appreciate the responses. For those that are interested, here's a list of the facets taken from Leos video: Facet of the Non-dual State: To enter a non dual state, to experience a mystical experience Facet of No-self: Realizing that the identity as a human self is an illusion Facet of I-am - Realizing that you are pure I-am ness, this is what the true Self is Facet of the Universe: You experience the entire universe Facet of Omni Presence: Realizing that the I-am-ness is not located anywhere - it's located simultaneously everywhere and no where Facet of Consciousness: You realize what consciousness is and that consciousness is all that there is Facet of Awakening: You realize what it truly means to awaken - you realize that you're entire life is a dream, you literally wake up from your dream state Facet of Oneness or Nonduality: You fully realize that you are one with everything, all boundaries are connected in a unified field of consciousness Facet of Truth: You realize that truth is absolutely everything, you realize what Truth really means Facet of the Absolute: You realize what it means for something to be absolute and not relative, absolute is something that is true under all conditions Facet of Absolute Infinity: You realize that consciousness is infinite, and you experience what infinity is Facet of Absolute Nothingness: You realize that everything is made out of absolutely nothingness, that's what reality is, absolute nothingness, infinity is synonymous with nothingness Facet of Why is There Something Rather than Nothing: You realize that something is the exact same thing as nothing - there is no difference between the two Facet of God: You have a direct encounter with God, you become conscious of what God is Facet of I am God: You realize that you are God Facet of Self Equals Other: The collapse of the boundary between you and other, all other entities are an illusion, you realize that you are all one, therefore you are totally alone Facet of Love: Becoming conscious of what infinite, absolute love is, and that love and truth are identical Facet of Infinite Mind: You realize that everything is Infinite Mind, everything is being imagined in this cosmic, universal mind, God's mind Facet of Self Design: You realize that you are creating and designing yourself, as well as the entire universe Facet of Birth: you realize that you were not born at all, that story is imaginary, you were born by imagining that you were born, you've been alive forever, you've always existed Facet of the Absolute Now: You realize that there is no past and future, everything that has ever happened is happening right now, this moment is completely eternal, you realize that time is an illusion Facet of Death: You realize that death is imaginary, death is impossible, you are totally immortal and eternal because God cannot die Facet of Heaven: you realize that reality is absolute perfection - you have no more fear of death because you realize that death is not real- when you realize that you are immortal, you are in heaven Facet of Bliss: Once you realize that you are living in heaven and that all there is is infinite love, you experience a state of eternal bliss Facet of Infinite Intelligence: You realize that consciousness is infinitely intelligent, you realize that the intelligence of human beings is a tiny little infinitesimal part of infinite intelligence, everything is intelligence Facet of Absolute Goodness: You realize that everything in the universe is absolutely Good, there is no evil Facet of Infinite Will: You realize that everything that is happening right now is happening through the will of God Facet of Infinite Power: God and Will is totally unlimited, you realize that God can do anything and everything because there is nothing outside of God that can limit it, God can limit a human but nothing can limit God Facet of Omniscience: The state of knowing everything Facet of Divinity: You realize what divinity is, what magic is, there's a profound mystery to everything, you realize that you don't know anything about being Facet of Being: You realize what being is, you realize what the substance of reality is Facet of Infinite Fractal: You realize that the universe is an infinite fractal Facet of Perception: You realize what is perception Facet of Life: You realize what it means to be alive and that everything within the universe is alive, the whole system is alive Facet of Purpose: You realize what the purpose of anything and everything that occurs within the universe is, and it is love, your love as God is the purpose of everything

@itsadistraction thank you, I appreciate the compliment and I'm glad that you see value in my posts, it motivates me to continue posting.

Alright, after my last post, I've realized that having to make these posts make sense and be enjoyable to read to a potential reader forces me to make sense of it in my own head, so I am not going to be sloppy with these anymore like entry #47. Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #48 - Sun Sep 17th '23 - 9:53 PM Lower self: I am the creator of the ego. I have constructed myself completely. All of my beliefs, my strengths, my weaknesses, I have constructed everything about myself. I choose my own actions, I choose my own destiny, I choose my own thoughts. I choose my friends, I choose how much time I spend with my family, I choose my job and my livelihood, I choose my hobbies. I am this one that creates a life for itself. Higher self: But where is he? Where is this creator located? Lower self: I don't know.. In the brain I guess... or no where... he's just here... Out in thin air... He has no location. I mean, does he really need one? The voice doesn't have a location. The ego doesn't have a location. Thoughts, emotions, theres no location to anything actually, location is an illusion, it's a relative term. To measure where something is located, it's position within the universe needs to be compared to something else, therefore there is no absolute truth in the location of something. What is absolutely true is that I am a creator. I am creating my life right now as we speak, with my words and with my actions. I am on a train, a train called life, and I can't get off. Even if I kill myself, the train continues moving down the tracks. This is true. Higher self: How do you know that life will continue for you after you die? Lower self: I don't. No one knows that. Higher self: Then why did you say it with such certainty? Lower self: It's like this, if existence is all that I know in my current experience, then existence must be all that there is. Therefore once this body dies, existence will continue because it is all that I know. It's the only thing that I can really count on as absolute truth. Does that make sense? Higher self: No.. that doesn't make sense because isn't it possible for non existence to exist, i.e. once you die and before you were born, you did not experience any existence at all, it was just a black slate, or not even a blank slate, it was just nothing, we can't even fathom or explain what it was because it didn't exist. Lower self: Can you not explain or fathom something that doesn't exist? Higher self: No... if it doesn't exist then it wouldn't be explainable. Something needs to exist in order for it to be able to be communicated. Existence is all there is. Anything that doesn't exist is obsolete, not real, not truth. Lower self: But don't some things exist as an illusion. For example, the TV in front of me exists as a TV, but that is a relative truth. In the absolute sense, it doesn't exist as a TV at all... Higher self: Yes, but it still exists. It exists as an entity. Lower self: ... Does it?? Maybe it doesn't exist at all? Higher self: What are you talking about? Why wouldn't it exist? What, now are you going to tell me that I don't exist either?? Lower self: Maybe you don't .. what if our existence is a simulation. Higher self: So what??? I'd still exist. Even if life is a simulation, the I am-ness would still be there. I would still experience the awareness, the consciousness. Lower self: Ahhh. There we go again, the awareness, the consciousness...what does having awareness and consciousness have to do with existence? Higher self: Well.. anything that exists must have awareness... wait I don't think that's true. Also, there can be awareness everywhere, awareness can be present without it being enveloped into a physical object.. For example, if I am perceiving a tree, I am aware of everything in that field of perception.. I am aware of the distance between myself and the tree, I am aware of the birds chirping, I am aware of the feeling on my toucas. Of course I can shift my awareness from one thing to the other, which is pretty cool, but it's almost as if the awareness is somewhere out there.. if I exist and I am aware... does that mean that existence is required for there to be awareness.. I don't know... maybe.. Lower self: I don't think existence should be talked about in truth work, I cannot trust my own existence. The only thing that I can trust as truth is my own awareness, my current awareness, which makes it so that I have the ability to think, perceive things, write, go to work, dance, talk to people, make love.. this is all possible because I am aware, I am here, I am conscious. Existence is not absolute truth because I do not experience existence. As a matter of fact, existence is a label. I am labeling that I exist.. but I don't know if this physical body actually exists because what the hell is existence anyway? Really, what does it mean for something to exist? Higher self: Existence... for something to exist, it must be here, present within the universe. If it is not present in the universe right now, in this very moment, then it doesn't exist. It's that simple. Lower self: Okay, so... That means that my body did not exist before I was born and it won't exist when I die.. then again the bodies existence is a relative truth. This is what I think the issue is with existence as being truth... the definition of existence... or at least our definition of existence is being used in regard to physical objects, tangible things. When I say that I exist, I'm really talking about the physical body.. the more truthful statement would be to say that I am aware. That is all that I know, that I am alive, conscious, aware. Awareness is everything, not existence. Until next time.

God damn I relate to this so much. I'm really working on this as well in my life. Thank you for sharing.

Transcending the Spiral - Journal Entry #8 -Sat Sep 16th '23 I'm starting to realize that I'm working on characteristics about myself that I see fit, and they span over a few different stages. Another thing that I'm realizing is that SD is just a model, there's nothing inherently true about it. Sometimes the characteristics overlap and they do not necessarily belong in one stage. Ultimately, I am working on what I would like to work on in life. I am using spiral dynamics as merely a guide. There are no rules to this, I do what I want. What am I working on at each stage: Red: Overall, just being solid, not being swayed in any direction by other people, being a force in this world Sticking up for myself or my own ego when I feel as though it has been disrespected or it has been treated unfairly Taking ownership of my own life, not making excuses or blaming others for my problems or shortcomings Not caring what other people think about me Grinding things out if I have to in a situation, whether at work or in a sport or while working out Continue to work out, getting more muscular Never wanting anybody to feel bad for me Blue: To summarize, having high integrity Always be on time to work Doing what I feel is the "right" thing to do in a situation. For example, this literally just happened. I am a host at a restaurant and I sat a party table(6+) in the 2nd servers section. I knew that it was the 1st server's turn for a party table but the 2nd server was standing there ready to serve the party. I had the opportunity to tell the server that the 1st server was going to take that table but I failed to do that because I just didn't want to deal with it. I failed to do what I knew was the right thing to do. I took the easy way out. I want to work on this. When an opportunity arrives to do what's right even though it is going to be difficult or painful, this is the perfect opportunity to work on having high integrity, being a noble, honest person. Working hard, not slacking off (mainly at work) - you need time to relax off from work Treating women with respect, integrity, honesty, being non manipulative towards them, and non needy, not needing anything from them (sex, validation, approval) Orange: Orange is going to be the centerpiece of my life for the next few years as I try to become financially independent, and start having success in dating and career. The finances and dating and successful career are going to take some time to fully actualize as it takes a while to first master my career, then build up the wealth, and also I'm basically starting from ground zero when it comes to success in dating, so let's start off small and work on some practical things. The goal is to become a very successful dance instructor. This will get you the wealth and will also help you be a better dating prospect. Continue working out, but not just for strengths like in stage red, for sexiness, 6 pack abs, look shredded Work hard in your dance training always push yourself to get better Work on relationships with people within the dance studio, this can get you clients and also good practice talking to people Finances: let's try to start saving some money with every pay check, even just a little bit. Some money goes into savings and it CANNOT be touched Charisma: work on cracking more jokes, being more humorous, being magnetic, commanding attention from other people. You can work on this ANYWHERE. At the grocery store, while hosting, while at dance studio And remember to be grateful and content with where you are at right now. Enjoy the journey. You want to be simultaneously content with your current situation while also enjoying the eagerness that comes with striving for new things in life. This is a really good start. Good luck sir.

Hey man, I love the energy but it seems like you're trying to tackle too many things at once. It's like you're trying to apply spiral dynamics to all of your future plans in life. I'd recommend taking a step back and taking a look at one thing at a time. Maybe try to integrate a stage blue that you feel is healthy to you and not toxic, then when you feel like you have a good grasp on that, start to integrate the more success-driven orange, and keep working your way up as you see fit. I don't think anyone here is going to be able to answer your specific questions as a lot of them are personal to your circumstance and you're more than capable of making the assessment yourself if you want to look into them in-depth. Best of luck to you.

Trust your intuition. You already know what the right decision is.

Honestly, I would make a big life change if I were you. If you've been in this rut for years and things haven't gotten better, then I feel like there are some foundational issues that need to be worked on in your life. Maybe your not as happy in your career as you think? Maybe you're not as happy in your relationship as you think? Maybe you want a better social life or don't like the town that you live in? It's possible that you are convincing yourself that you are happy with these circumstances because it's more convenient. Just my two cents, best of luck to you. Also, this belief about yourself is very detrimental to your growth. Whatever you think of yourself is going to determine what actions that you take in life. Work on turning this belief into "I am a strong, capable human being, one that is able to tackle any challenges that life throws at me." You can help it. Start taking ownership of your crappy beliefs and work on turning them around. Best of luck.

I'm not tier 2 just yet :/.... I will be one day.

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #47 - Thu Sep 14th '23 - 10:54 PM * This one might be difficult to follow, I didn't edit it at all or try to write something concise that flows. I had some good insights though so I'm just going to post it. Keep going further. What is the ego? The ego is what I identify with. Any time I think of a memory in which I am in it, that is my ego. The picture of myself is the ego. My beliefs are part of my ego. My personality is part of my ego. How I view myself. Wether I'm attractive or not, tall or short, angry or sad, Can an ego be sad? Yes. For sure. My ego is sad all the time. It gets angry as well. It is the ego that feels things. As opposed to what else? The true self. And what is that? The true self is nothing, it is past the ego. The ego is false, it is not true. There's nothing true about it. It is made up. Completely. No inherent truth in the ego. It certainly feels like the ego is true though, it pulls me to do certain things, take certain actions, it controls everything that Ido. Does it? Does it really have control? Yes. It does. It makes decisions for me. I don't want to feel sad when I wake up in the morning. My ego is responsible for that. I don't want to feel angry or embarrassed or helpless, this is all egos doing. He's such a pest. Get him out of here. He's not a pest, he's trying to survive. And you're trying to kill him by seeing through his bullshit. He's not full of shit either. The world has told him that he is a separate entity. That he is whatever. Whatever beliefs that you have about yourself, that is what the ego thinks of itself. Everything that is possible or not possible, that is what the ego is. I just don't want to suffer anymore. I want to end suffering. And I also want a mature ego. I want to have high integrity. I want to have an ego that other egos can look up to. "Hey, that's a mature ego, one that is stable, solid, in control of itself." The ego needs to mature before it can be transcended. Why can't it mature and transcend simultaneously? These are not opposite things, there are no opposites in this world. I can do both at the same time. Yeah, that makes sense... but how are you going to mature the ego? By being mature about things. By not getting too wrapped up in my emotions about a situation. By doing what I feel is right in every situation, by having high integrity, being whole, living by solid principles, such as always being on time, treating everyone the way that you would like to be treated, respecting myself, respecting my own ego, respecting my egos desires as well, not dismissing my emotions, wants, desires as stupid, by having a confident ego, one that tackles objectives, one that doesn't step on anyone's toes. I want to develop my ego while still doing truth work. As a matter of fact, truth work is inherently required in order to help the ego mature. If I wasn't journaling then I wouldn't have realized this thing about the importance of my own ego. I now have a spotlight on him, a new realization of what he's all about and how I should handle him. Is the ego not you? No. Not at all. Who am I talking to right now? it feels like the higher self. Or my true nature, or maybe it's the ego, talking to itself. The ego knows that it can be irrational, but it is now aware of it. No, I like the idea that the me talking right now is about the ego. Im looking at the ego as a separate entity. This is going to give me clarity as to what it is. What about the voice? What is the voice? Is the voice ego? The voice... the voice is coming out right now. It is what's responsible for what's is being written in this page. This is the voice. These words are the voice, right now. Is this ego? Is this higher self? Who the fuck is talking right now? I am talking. I'm talking right now. I am. Where are you? I'm right here. That's all I know. I exist. I am here. That is truth. This is all I know. Is existence. Existence. Is. All. There. Is. I exist. I am speaking words onto a screen. Is that true? There's nothing true about the words or about my thoughts. Why not? Don't they exist? No, because they are fleeting. Words are fleeting. And they are just symbols on a screen. There's nothing foundational about them. Thoughts are always fleeting, nothing without a doubt true about that. But my very existence here on earth in this body is what truth is...well actually it's not the body or being on earth, those are stories. It is the awareness, the awareness that I have right now. The "i am" ness. That is all I know. That is all that there is. That's all that's true. The I am ness. The me ness. The existence. The present awareness of whatever's going on. It's not the thoughts or the body or the ego. As a matter of fact, the ego is made up of thoughts. That's all the ego is. Thoughts. Compounding thoughts. What is real is the awareness of the thoughts or the awareness of the body. Pure awareness. It's like the middleman between the perceiver and what is being perceived. So if I'm looking at a tree. I am the perceiver. The tree is the thing being perceived. What's real, what's true is that there is perception of the tree going on, there is an awareness, an ever presence going on in between the tree and myself. That's what is real, that's what is true. The tree is not what's real, the body is not what's real, it's the awareness going on between the two things.

This is a good opportunity for you to set some boundaries with your buddies if you are ready for that. If something that they are doing is angering you, then they should hear about it. I know I would want to hear about it if I was bothering one of my friends with my actions. If they are true friends and care about you, they will take what you are saying with respect. I would get it out any way that you can, but try to be as direct as possible, they need to know exactly what they are doing that is making you mad.

I wouldn't suppress the red shadow, if it comes up then let it run it's course. As you climb higher, it will fizzle itself out for the most part. I actually think that this is your psyche or higher self telling you that there are red qualities that you want to integrate in your life. A few months ago, I realized that I am too much of a pushover so I decided that I was going to make sure I had red more integrated in my life. I started thinking about my own needs over other people's, started working out (angrily I might add), and in situations with friends I would put conscious attention on making sure that I was solid - not allowing myself to be swayed to do things I didn't want to do or to react a certain way in order to get approval. I became a little bit more of a jerk and more standoffish for a short while, but I set some boundaries with friends and family, got a little bigger, and started to respect myself more. Eventually, the jerk facade faded and what was left was a solid, don't fuck with me internal facade. I'm not outwardly a jerk, but if you overstep the boundaries that I have set, you are going to hear about it. That's what integrating a healthy red looks like in my opinion.

This "catalyst" thing happened for me when I got a job back in June of this year. Prior to this, I took a break from working and was travelling and working on personal development. This started back in January of 2022. When I got back from my travels in January of 2023, I was very sad and couldn't motivate myself to get a job, this stint lasted 6 months. I finally got a job as a host at a restaurant. I've learned plenty of things from this job as I am now a better communicator and it also forced me to become more comfortable being around pretty women, who make me nervous. About a month and a half ago, I got what seems to be like my dream job. I went to this dance studio to learn how to dance and somehow a guy there got me an interview to work there. I was hired that following day, and I love everything about the job. The people there are amazing, it's located in a town that I love, and I genuinely enjoy going into work. This all started when I got off of my ass and got a job. I told the universe that I was ready to work and the universe took care of me. Like you said, this was not a magic bullet that solved all of my problems, there have been many ups and downs, and there will continue to be, but I am happy right now with the direction in my life.... until the next chapter. Best of luck to you man.