Spiritual Warrior

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #171 ~ Thu Jul 2 '26 I am finding something rather ugly about myself right now. I am struggling to build lessons at the moment, I had 15 last week and only 9 this week. I just got back from heart surgery so I should be giving myself some grace and zooming out, this is just a phase, I have no momentum right now. But anyways, the thing thats ugly is I'll get pissed when I see my co workers doing well now, because I'm not doing well so seeing them succeed makes me feel inferior, makes me feel crappy and I think things like "what's so good about them, why are they getting all this success?" Ugly, really ugly thoughts. These are my friends. I care about them. But when I am in a mode where I feel shitty about myself, it's like I want everyone else to feel shitty with me. What a selfish fuck I am. I am really. What is wrong with me? The thing is though is that there absolutely nothing wrong with me. Being honest about how you are feeling and the thoughts running through your head, that is the start. I am being honest with you here. I am describing the ugliness of my thoughts. This is just where my ego is, he isn't able to zoom out when he's feeling down and realize that this is just one day, this is just one mood, things will in fact get better. He doesn't seem to be able to have that capacity to zoom out. Anyways, Ive done a good job of meditating every day, taking my meds and supplements daily, waking up for the most part at 8 am and washing my face and brushing my teeth at night. I am doing well right now. I have a masculine energy that is being directed towards work and working out. I'm pissed right now about a lot of things, that is what's fueling me. And again, there's nothing wrong with that, in the past, I would suppress this anger by saying, "I'm better than this, I shouldn't be mad at these people, I shouldnt want revenge." But revenge is a GREAT motivator. And its not like I'm not a loving person, I am. I am far too conscious through this work to have a net negative impact on the people around me. I'm far too aware of what I'm doing and thinking. But I want to prove all the doubters wrong, I am in the expert phase of my ego development, becoming uniquely good in this field and I am using strong emotions to fuel me, indicative of the LOC 300s, modeled by Ramaji. I have MUCH farther to go, I want to reach LOC 1000 one day, but this is a slow burn. My ego must embody and then transcend each stage. Daily goals list: Wake up at 8 am daily: 0 Meditate daily: 4 Brush teeth and wash face every night: 4 No porn: 0 No ejaculating: 4 "Progress doesn't shout, it whispers"

TheHabits & Disciplines Journey Entry #170 ~ Tue Jun 30 '26 Todays schedule: Wake up at 8 am ✔️ Meditate ✔️ Shower ☑️ Eat breakfast ☑️ 10:30 Head to the gym 11-12 Work out 12 Head to work to start on planning spreadsheets and working on certification 2:00 Practice dance 4-10 work 10 Work on certification What do I want? Smooth vest $200 Slimmer dance pants $200 New smooth shirt $200 Flowy costume $50 New rhythm shirt $400 New shoes $200 Total: $1250 And I have $5200 in my bank account. Should I do it? I am investing in my dance career, but is this too much? I am being sucked back into the void that is Arthur Murray. The grind does not stop. Of course, the skills that I am leaning are helpful. I'm becoming more organized, I have a vision for things now, I am more disciplined, I have something to work towards. My ego needs this right now. My ego wants revenge. It wants to be jacked and to get that girl back. It wants success and prosperity. It wants respect and dignity. It wants to be highly masculine. It wants to stop caring about what others think and to be grounded and stoic. This is what my ego wants and needs. So give that to him. And in the meantime, I'm going to continue to question what kind of void I am in in this life.

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #169 ~ Mon Jun 29 '26 Dear diary, I am ready to transcend this world and live in a nondual state. But help me allow this dream character of mine to grow and to understand and to experience everything that he desires. He deserves to be loved. He deserves peace. Help me bring the all of the success and the peace that he wants. This journal is back and I am going to start holding myself accountable to the habits that I have instilled for a specific reason, which is to reach a goal. This goal is out there in the abstract, but it is something to work towards. Todays Schedule: 8 am Wake up and shower 8:30 Meditate: 9:00 Eat breakfast: 9:30 Start cooking food for myself 10:30 leave for the gym 11:00 Work out 12:00 head to the studio 12-1 Work on spreadsheets 1-10 Work 10 Leave for practice 10:30-11:30 Practice Get home for midnight and go to bed Daily goals list: Wake up at 8 am daily: 2 Meditate daily: 2 Brush teeth and wash face every night: 1 No porn: 1 No ejaculating: 1 Weekly goals list: Workout 4x a week: I'm still really pissed off about my dance parter breaking up with me. It fuels me to be better than she will ever be. Sometimes I think that this mindset is wrong, and in a sense it is, its not very worldly, accepting, its just not very developed. To be hurt by somebody and to want to hurt them back.. you would think I'd be above that by now. However, I'm not... I want revenge on her. I want to get so good that she regrets ever leaving me. I want to win dance competitions with a different dance partner and I want to rub it in her face. I don't like her anymore. I want to become so good, I am unrecognizable.

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #168 ~ Thu Jun 25 '26 i want to transcend all of my desires. unlocking the code that is women is not fun for me anymore. I want to transcend it. From now on, I am going to work on my craft, I am going to become an expert in the field of ballroom dancing. I am going to become an expert teacher, one that creates amazing dancers out of my students. I am done chasing women. I will not waste my mental energy on them anymore, I am done. No more songs about them, no more thinking about them, I am completely done. Lets start breaking down how my life should be scheduled from now on. I have a nice foundation of things that I would like to work on from here on out. I want to become an expert in the ballroom field, I want to be clear headed and have an organized life, and I want to have a shredded physique, one that is highly attractive. It really is that simple, that is all that I want. What am I going to do in order to achieve these things, lets set your life up right now. Sunday: Do laundry Meal prep Give yourself a haircut Monday: 8am Wake up and shower 8:30 Meditate 9:00 Eat breakfast & get ready for the day 9:30 head to the gym 10:00 Work out (Chest) 11:00 - head to the studio 1-10 Work Tuesday: 8am Wake up and shower 8:30 Meditate 9:00 Eat breakfast & get ready for the day 9:30 Head to the gym 10:00 Work out (Legs) 11:00 head to the studio 4-10 Work Wednesday: 8:00 Wake up and shower 8:30 Meditate 9:00 Eat breakfast & get ready 9:30 Head to coaching 10-12 Coaching 12-2 Dance training 2-10 Work Thursday: 8:00 Wake up and shower 8:30 meditate 9:00 Eat breakfast & get ready 9:30 head to grocery store 10 Grocery shop 11:00 Cook for Thursday, Friday, Saturday 1:00 Head to gym 1:30 Work out (Back) 2:30 head to studio 4-10 Work Friday: 8:00 Wake up and shower 8:30 Meditate 9:00 Eat breakfast & get ready 9:30 Head to the gym 10:00 Work out (Upper) 11 Head to the studio Work 1-10 Saturday: Open What does the remainder of my week look like: For today (today is Thursday): I really just want to get ready to do my routine on Friday, but I have things going on today that I have to take care of

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #167 ~ Tue Jun 23 '26 I've bee having a hard time grasping the things going on in my life right now. I am confused as to what to do, but the fog is starting to clear. Learning about the nine stages of ego development has helped me tremendously. I am still in the expert stage, attached to the way that I look, comparing myself to others, and there is a desire to become an expert in a field, to become the top 1% in that field, I want to be unique. But I can feel the achiever stage starting to bud. I can feel myself wanting to make a larger impact on a larger group of people, an impact that is more profound and deeper than just teaching people how to dance. After rewatching Johanna's video on The Achiever, I actually think that I resonate a lot more with this stage than the previous one, at least in terms of what I want for myself and what I can see myself moving towards. I don't just want to be seen as a competent person and dancer, I want to independently think and contribute to society in my own way. I want to no longer care about what others think of me in favor of having the impact that I want to have on humanity. In order to kick start this process, I want to continue to grow a youTube channel that touches on this kind of stuff and spiritual or philosophical content. Some things that I want at the... Expert Stage: I want a shredded physique, I want to be one of the best ballroom dancers in CT, I want people to want to work with me, I want people to think I'm incredibly hot. Achiever Stage: I want to have a profound impact on humanity, I want to help others accomplish their goals and I don't mind delegating my work in order for them to achieve that, I want to think for myself - I value independent thinking, I want to start thinking about what is best for the greater good, there is a budding interest in systems thinking and how to raise everyone up within the system. now, you may be wondering why am I talking about ego development stages in a habits and disciplines journal. This is the thing, for a while, I was grinding out routines and I thought they were helping and they were, but I need a reason for why I am doing what I am doing, which is indicative of the achiever stage, I am thinking for myself and creating a life for myself that matches the values and my vision. That is the goal here. Lastly, I am going to take a quick look at the pluralist or individualist stage, which is the next level above the achiever. Individualist Stage: So I am in no way full embodying the individualist stage, my ego is much to consumed by personal gain and personal success. However, you have to remember, this is just a model and also the model states that you can have little bits of each stage within you. Where I truly resonate with this stage is in my pursuit of Truth. I am thinking for myself about the burning questions of the universe and I don't give a damn what culture and society thinks about it. I am asking these questions for myself and by myself, completely independent of culture. This is where I'm heaing and I'm starting to believe that I am much more achiever and individualist based over the expert stage. This stage is literally describing an individual that is ready to transcend his own mind in favor of Enlightenment. He is past culture, he is past society, he is past caring what others thinking of him, his thinking is COMPLETELY independent, he is ready to realize that life is a dream.

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #166 ~ Mon Jun 22 '26 I am back working full time now. I am starting to question just about everything that I am doing with my life right now. I like a girl again, the same girl.. she doesn't like me back.. This whole saga fills me with negative emotions, at the same time, I want to be with her for the rest of my life, I want to end up with her. Can I just manifest that and let go? Does it work like that? Right now though, I wish I could get her out of my head, every time I see her, its nice until she leaves and then I'm sad and thinking about her all the time, longing for her, yearning for her. Its the yearning really, thats whats painful. Its the lack of having what you want. And since its a physical person, there is so much emotional charge to it. Its not an an object, its another organism that makes you feel things. Anyways, sometimes I really just want to forget about her, completely forget. And maybe thats exactly what you need. I mean do you even want a girlfriend? I don't know. Theres a lot that I don't know and it starts by taking a good hard look at the things going on in my life and what I want. Unfortunately, I don't have much time to set things up today because I am going into work at 1 o'clock today (This is my first week back). You know what, I think I do want to date somebody.. I just don't really feel like going through all of the trouble, but I certainly could. This is the time for it. And it would probably get my mind off of this other girl that doesn't like me like that. I honestly get annoyed with all of the yearning for a female in my life. I'd much rather meditate and work on becoming enlightened, but here we are, I am a heterosexual man after all and I haven't had intimacy since November of last year. I am a unique male in that I go long periods without intimacy. I don't express my attraction towards women in a smooth way I don't think and I don't handle rejection very well. This is a recipe for not getting laid very often. I'd like to focus on the man that I am going to become. Do not direct your thoughts onto one human, direct your thoughts onto whats in your future, what are you building, what incredible insight are you going to have today. How clear headed can you be? This girl, at least right now, is a total distraction to your spiritual pursuits. I have been looking into the "nine stages of ego development" and I would say that I am at times at the Expert phase but at times at the achiever. The expert wants to master something, he wants to be unique in some way, he wants accolades, he wants success in that field. Quite frankly, I have not maximized that out here at Arthur Murray, I have much more to work on there. The idea here though is you have to eventually transition into the achiever stage in which you are thinking more about the impact that you are having on the world. You take your career trajectory more seriously. Really though, I just want to experience deep insights about reality. And then I can share those insights with the world. Dancing is fun and all but there is a lot more to it than dancing, I have to choreography and perform, (which I do enjoy) and I have to plan things out and deal with lots of emotional turmoil when dealing with other instructors. I am confused as to what to do and honestly I just want time to myself to figure it out. But I have to create this thing for Pam, which maps out her future here for the rest of the year. And if I don't do it now, I'm not sure when I will. I want a break. I want a break from everything so that I can just chill by myself. But you had that for 8 weeks, did you not?

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #165 ~ Sat Jun 20 '26 This journal needs to come back and I know it. Its great and all that I'm getting into all of these spiritual things, its awesome and I've gotten so much growth, I can see it and feel it. But now I'm back in the real world and Ben wants things in this life, he's not content just sitting and meditating all hours of the day, he has material desires, and you're going to have to allow him to pursue and fulfill on these desires. In a perfect world, everything is set up. My whole week is set. I know exactly what I'm doing, when and I'm doing what and I don't have any vices that I succumb to. I want to have a handle on my schedule so that it frees my time up to become spiritually enlightened and well educated, which are really my two greatest goals in this life. Besides that, I want a shredded physique, I want to become a world class dancer, I want to have a nice house that I can relax in but also entertain, and I want sexual experiences. That's basically it. My job now is to set my life up so that I am moving towards these goals and holding myself accountable so that I actually move towards them. women On a side note, I work with a lot of women. This is a good thing in a sense, it allows me to understand them better. But some of these girls drive me absolutely crazy. Now, the cool thing is that I am going to get hotter and hotter, I will become more and more desirable to these women the further I move down this personal development path. My strategy to attract them is to truly let go and just work on myself. I don't want to use porn anymore, really I don't. It would feel SOOOO good if I can knock this habit. I've had some breakthroughs too that should make this easier, I can now pleasure myself without any stimulation. I can just thing of some girls in my life and thats enough to get me aroused. I want to explore what life is like without any porn and I know I can do it. And I REALLY fuckin' want to. Objective: No more porn - lets count how many days in a row I can do. Then, at the end of every month, I will take into account how many days out of the month I was able to go without porn. This will be documented in a Google Sheet as well as on here. I like the format on here when it comes to daily tasks. Waking up on time I don't really see the need to wake up at the same time every day anymore. Maybe I'll change my mind about this, but every day is different and as a dancer, sometimes you are working on something into the late hours of the night. In those situations, I want to be able to sleep in the next day in order to recharge. Objective: None Shredded physique More than anything I want an absolutely shredded physique. I want to be hot as fuck. I also want to dress well and to have sexy tattoos. I want to turn heads when I walk into a room or roam around on the street. This requires me to stick to a meal plan, track my calories, and workout multiple times a week, which all sounds rather overwhelming, but with enough clarity and focus, I know that I can do it. Now, I'm honestly already feeling overwhelmed and I haven't even started keeping track of things. I'm going to bring my computer with me today, this weekend is going to be about getting my life set up so that I can be a better person for other people, I can be clear headed, and most importantly so that I can discover whats True. How am I going to hold myself accountable so that I fulfill on my dreams to have a killer physique? I know that I have to track my macros and to have a meal plan that I follow through on. I will need to cook for myself on Sunday and Thursday of every week, correct? Yes. I've had success doing that from time to time. My phone addiction I love to distract myself with my phone. I love to just lay down on my bed like a slurch and scroll on whatever app I've been using lately. This is detrimental to my ability to think clearly, ot my posture and to my discipline. I really want to cut this out. Remember, you have a big vision for your life and it goes way beyond becoming spiritually enlightened, yes thats important, but you also have many things that you want with this dream character that frankly haven't been actualized yet. And you will, these things require development over a long time horizon so just keep at it and things will fall into place and then you'll have new desires to fulfill. Work I am starting to look at my job as just a way to make money honestly. I'm not saying that I'm going to be crass and manipulate people for money, quite the oppositre actually, I'm just saying that I will be focusing my intentions on strategically getting ahead so that I can stack my money and but the things that I want. Where I went wrong in the past is I was paying for lots of dance coachings and travel to do competitions with a professional dance partner. This was fun and I don't regret it but I really don't care about that anymore and I only want to compete if it makes sense to my pocket book. The main objective with my work is to get paid and to do this with integrity is also of the utmost importance. I don't think I need to track my integrity however, I feel like through my educational process and spiritual/ personal growth, this will come naturally as I will continue to look at my student base and the dance studio as a system that I can help mold and lift up. This is stage yellow / tier two spiral dynamics thinking which I am getting closer and cloer to. Side note: Sometimes when I write on here, I am highlighting the very positive aspects of my life. It s a good thing to view yourself in a positive way. But you have to understand that I still have A LOT of vices that I fall into so don't mistake me for this holier than thou person, I'm just like you, trying to figure it out and I'm very flawed. But I have worked on myself a lot, and I'm not settling for a mediocre life, I know that for a fact and that heightens my value and motivates me. A big objective I have in my life is to just be completely non-needy, completely independent, so that I don't have to leech off of anyone (at least in an emotional sense) and I can just focus on providing value to as many people as I can. Whats going on right this second: its 11:14 AM - I have to meet some people at 12 pm to talk about their wedding dance. I need a notebook and a pen and I have to shower - lets get started on that now.

This was a profound insight for me as well. It's such a simple concept, but I never wrapped my head around this when I was young and naive.

Pretty much sums it up right there. Nice simple yet effective example ^

Find out the Truth for yourself and by yourself. Parroting others will never work, these are beliefs which are inherently false.

Hold onto me. Cuz I'm a little unsteady.... A little unsteady. My name's Ben and I'm a little unsteady. But this is a persona I'm putting on. It's a mood that I'm attached to right now. My mood shifts day by day, moment by moment. Any mood that you succumb to now will vanish in an instant. There's nothing real about your self image or your mood or how you feel about yourself, it's all fleeting, it will all vanish and it will all pass. So let go. Let go so that you can be with God. Die. Fuckin die. There's nothing wrong with that. Pass your life on so that another can live. The irony here is that we are all fighting to survive when in reality, none of it really matters. Sure, if I die people will be sad, but guess what, I will have finally merged with the Oneness that is within us all. Dieing is the ultimate letting go, it is the ultimate transcendence, it is the ultimate sacrifice. But my ego is well aware of what I am trying to do here and it is fighting tooth and nail to make sure that I don't find out the Truth. That is what makes this work so hard, I have an enemy inside of my own head that is fighting me at every turn. What is it that I'm holding onto? What is it that I want out of this dream state? What is it that's keeping me here? I could fly away out into the unknown but my wings are failing me. The truth is I like things here, I like the way things look, I enjoy feeling a certain way. I enjoy the presence of the feminine. I also have a craving to create. So I'm not done here. It's just difficult to work on anything when you know it's not real. It's a fuckin' dream... But does that mean I shouldn't live in the dream. The funny thing is, there's really no way out of the dream. You will continue dreaming, you're just aware now that you are dreaming, which makes it feel pointless, as if nothing really matters. And of course, nothing does matter.... But the feeling of an orgasm is still pleasurable. That burning feeling when you work out... You still feel that, that is a sensation coursing through your body that feels good. The fulfillment of winning a dance competition after all of that hard work, that is a real feeling. Just because you're dreaming doesn't mean that it's not real. It's real in a dream sense. So just enjoy it. Set your life up to enjoy the dream as much as possible. And for the love of God stop parroting how other people live. Live how YOU would like to live.

I am so low energy right now. And insecure. . No one is really here to experience it Just let go of your ego it's not that hard It is hard though, explain how to do it Youre not open to it right now, Yes I am give it to me You would shit yourself Remember when you peed yourself in a car? I am going to overcome anything and everything in my life. My family is going to be glorious But at the same time I don't care what happens Because it's not me doing it And guess what? I don't want kids for a while. I'm not scared I just want Truth before making any big decisions. So I have to let go of the ego. I have to deal with this shit. But I hate being low energy I want to go home in order to restore. But I can't. I have to go move into Ilkers. How about we leave at 10 pm. As you can see I'm having a mental crisis. I do not feel. Anything. They're not my feelings. I just exist. I am beyond the material. I am eternal. I am God. I am existence. I am awareness. I am everything but nothing at the same time. I control my own destiny. Ive never felt such distain for the obvious or thinking that things are obvious.

Conspiracy theories are stage blue because they are conformist. Im trying to find stage blue examples that do not have religious elements to it. It's also low on the consciousness scale. It's a lazy way of thinking. A stage orange person would be too busy maximizing his profits to even care about conspiracy theories. And a stage green person would realize that it doesn't matter. A stage yellow person would just find it interesting that A conformist can be doing something different than every one else but still being conformist. A stage turquoise person is on a mountain top contemplating wholeness.

This place isn't what I came here for. I don't want to live a lie anymore. Nothing else matters but truth. But this is your own ego making this a big deal. It wants to feel special. How much should I continue to allow it? And how much should I steer into the flood. And it is flooding. Spilling over with semen. I'm horny right now, been horny. This makes me want to fuck. Real bad. This is a good thing. I haven't had sex in months. Of course I just went through a lot. I had heart surgery. People should feel bad for me.. this is how my ego thinks. He is in shambles at times. He is in shambles right now. Or just lower in the ego developmental ladder. But remember, this is just a sign of development. This is NOT THE REAL THING. THIS IS NOT TRUTH. What am I even doing here?

Personally, I don't think its possible for me to live with 100% integrity. If I wanted to do that, I'd have to cut off all of my social ties to family and friends and somehow find a way to make a living in a highly ethical way that doesn't manipulate or exploit anyone AT ALL (which is very rare to come by and would probably take years to develop.) The best you can do in my opinion is to do the best you can. You have to survive, don't flip your life on its head, you becoming whole should not mean the death of you. Your states of selfishness will continue and that's okay, that's what you're here on Earth to do.