Spiritual Warrior

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #77 Sun May 3 '26 I've started reading Presence by Rupert Spiral and I'd like to start by contemplating the nature of mind and body. If I feel a sensation within my hand, is that sensation what I am? No, I am aware of the sensation in the hand, that's what I truly am. Therefore, I must not be the body. When I envision a thought, is that thought who I am? No, I am aware of the thought. I am pure awareness experiencing a thought. Therefore, the mind and the body are obsolete when it comes to Truth. They don't need to be discussed any further. Yeah, that's all well and good but you still identify with your mind and body, your mind and body are running the show in your life, especially the mind. Your thinking about doing this, or doing that, Ooooh what if I end with this girl or that girl, should I go out to the club tonight or should I not? So although you realize that you are not the mind, it still has its unclenching grip on you. So the question remains, how do I unclench its grip? And if I do, what is going to be left? I've never experienced... Well I guess I should say that. I have rarely experience no thought states, but when I have they have been incredible, absolutely amazing moments, so maybe it is possible to completely turn the brain off, but I need an exercise to do. Just keep working on Truth work, everything will fall into place.

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #76 Sat May 2 '26 This journal is going to turn into something completely different. My job is to go Further. And further and further and further. I will not edit what I am saying. I am going to just continue to write until I found out the Truth or reality. My father's energy is so neurotic and gripping, his energy is suffocating, it feels as if I am being choked out by his presence. He is so far in his mind and he gets no peace. The more he is in my life, the harder it is going to become to become Enlightened. This man has been a thorn in my side for a very long time to be honest with you. I cannot blame him for my lack of Awakening but he surely has not helped. I just got out of heart surgery and he wants to visit me tomorrow and Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday. I don't want him to visit me on any of those days, I truly don't. All I want to do is go home and read books and rest. I don't want to see him AT ALL. He has got to be the most neurotic and in his own head ( which means completely disconnected from his Heart) person I have ever met. And of course he is my father. Lucky me... I feel bad feeling like this, I really do. I wish I could grab him out of his manic and scatterbrained head and bring him into a higher consciousness state but there's nothing I can do, he is too far gone. His presence right in this moment is already annoying me, he won't sit down, he's pacing around the room, and doing this thing where he nods to himself, imagining a conversation in his own head. I guess this is a good example of how my life could have turned out if I never shifted my awareness from the mind into the Heart. Now I have to deal with him for another 4 days, I am going to do my best to just be in my own zone while he's here, reading my own books and things of that nature. I'll probably eat a meal with him and then head to the porch to read and journal. I can't wait for this 8 week period in which I get to be without work and I can just work on my contemplations. I will not let one person ruin my vibe. The truth is that I don't need him anymore. Well that's not entirely true... I do sometimes need him for money. That is a whole different can of worms, why can I not get a handle on my finances? This stresses me out greatly. I will have to deal with this if I am going to live a happy and successful life. Anyways, let's get to Truth work, what is True? It is true that I am experiencing things in this moment. And who is I? I am me. I am this body. This awareness. Are you awareness or the body, which one is it? I am awareness. So you are not the body? No, I am just awareness, pure awareness. And what exactly does that mean? That means that I have the capacity and the capability to experience things in this life. Does that mean that you will stop having this capacity once you die? You did just say "in this life.." no, I believe that this awareness will continue because if I am aware is the Truth of the universe, the one and only Truth, then I may be that forever and ever. But how do you know that? Why can't you be aware in this life while you are alive and then it just ends when the body decays? (My dad is like a leech, when I open the door slightly, he barges in and sprawls his entire body onto the floor, filling up the entire room so that there is no room to breathe.) Yeah, I guess my awareness could end once I die. I mean why can't that be the case? But then what's left once you die then? Is it just Nothingness and if so then what is Nothingness? Or is it just an empty void? Is it Heaven? And how could I possibly know what is going to happen once I die? Cuz Im not dead! What does it mean to die? When I die my body will decay, it is going to be sent into the ground. My spirit will leave my body. My heart will stop working. My brain will not think any longer. But what does that even mean? A spirit leaving the body? What even is spirit? And is the brain connected to truth? How about the heart? What does that got to do with Truth? (My dad is also incredibly controlling. Don't control me ever. No one likes to be controlled. I need to stay away from this toxic person's energy as best as I can. What a controlling and manipulative and selfish person. My mom always leaves the room when my dad is present and it's probably because she can't stand his energy.) Honestly, I don't know. Death is a concept that baffles me. How is it possible to know about something that isn't here yet? I don't know, that's a good point. How could I possibly know about death? All I've experienced is being alive... All I remember is being alive, therefore that is what I'm in touch with. Well let's dive into that a bit further... You are basing that off of a memory that you have in your head. Is there anything real about a memory? Well, it did happen to this human body, I went through pre school and then kindergarten and then 1st grade, so these memories must be valid, right? I wouldn't be so sure. If you are pure awareness, does a memory have anything to do with pure awareness? No and as a matter of fact, a memory takes you out of pure awareness and into your own mind, in which you are no longer experiencing Truth. The problem is that I have a self image of myself, I have a personal history, I have a family and friends and a job. Are we confirming that this is all a complete fabrication and has NOTHING to do either Truth? If pure awareness is all that there is, that is the Truth, then yes, that is what we're saying. You don't exist at all, it is all a fabrication made up in your head, completely made up and imaginary. Hold on a minute though... What are you talking about, why is everyone in on it then, I have loved ones all around me that care deeply about me, they know me as Ben, the dance instructor, the sweet guy. And they have identities as well, my boss is named Yvette, my best friend Paul, my mother Jane.. are we saying that they are not real either. Yes, that is exactly what we are saying.. Hold on a minute, I still don't understand this, I am looking at a picture right next to me of me and my family, that man right there that I am looking at is Ben, how can you deny that? He is Ben, I just know it. He grew up in a small town in East Hampton, CT, parents are divorced, good at sports, has a heart condition and an overprotective father. But that's not truth.... Huh? Not Truth with a capital T. And like I get it, I get what your saying, if pure awareness is all that there is within reality, then that means everything else must be bullshit, right? But how do you know that these things aren't true? Also if I buy into this Truth thing, then what am I going to do about my aspirations to be a world champion dancer? There would be no one to even receive the reward because I am imaginary. This is really boggling my mind.. Let's take this back to the fact that Pure Awareness is all that there is... How can I be so sure about that? Because other things seem true, like coca cola stock is 77$ that is just a fact, the earth is a sphere, 1+1 =2, etc. and also, how is EVERYONE deluded? Every single person on this Earth thinks they are someone, yet they are in fact NO ONE. How does that make any sense? Why are we all so blind? And if this really is true, what kind of psychopath created this world? Why does it even exist at all? Why not just have nothing? Everywhere I look is people with their egos. But how can I blame them? As soon as they popped out of the womb, they were given an identity, why would they think anything else? Why would they even question what's true? And what kind of twisted world is this? Feeling our youth lies and on top of that, we're not even aware of the lies that we are speaking, and how could we be? This takes intense contemplation and intense hand holding and guidance to come out of this dream we have put ourselves in. I am still struggling to truly grasp this though, it's like it does make sense, it really truly does, but that means I'd have to admit that myself along with everyone else is lying to themselves and has been their entire lives. But of course, we are lying to ourselves, each and every one of us. We are all in on this cosmic joke of a material world. And how has so few people woken up this fact? Also, how am I going to truly get out of this mess that I've put myself in. 10 years of spirituality work and I am finally starting to understand just what it takes to get there, just what it takes, not actually getting there. I understand now that I am no one, that everyone including me has concocted a personal story with a self image and an ego that has a personality and is good and bad at things. Everyone has an identity. And this is false. Completely false. It's a complete lie. See I can say that, but I still don't experience it, I still think I'm me, I still think I'm Ben. How do I EXPERIENCE this Truth? That I don't know. And this means that The Truth for all of my friends and co workers is the same thing, that of pure Awareness, their self image and self concept is not real yet they think that it's real. But these are real entities, right? Like I'm thinking about my co worker right now, I know him by Christian, whenever I think about him I am filled with joy, I want nothing but success for him. And he is not me nor am I him. However, the Truth is that his self image or self concept completely fabricated. The only thing that's real is what he experiences.

Spiritual Autolysis: Journal Entry #75: Sun Apr 26 God: What is True? Me: Nothing is True. God: Right, but what is Nothing? It must be made of something. Me: What is wrong with not knowing what Nothing is? God: If something is true, then it should be able to be explained. Me: Why though? Why does it have to be explained for it to be true? God: It doesn't. But you don't know whats true... thats why you are writing in this journal. I am trying my best to communicate it to you. But it is challenging. It is challening because it cannot be explained. Me: Why can't you explain it to me? God: I can actually but that doesn't mean you will experience it. Me: But I want to experience it and you said it yourself, I can create Anything I want. I want Truth. God: Okay, have it your way, but me communicating this to you won't do you any good. The Truth is that you are GOD. You are infinite. You are One. You are everything in existence. Me: But why don't I feel like I am all of those things? God: Because you as God have tricked yourself into thinking that you are in this world with a personal backstory and a family. None of it is real. The sooner you can stomach this, the sooner can get to the next level. Me: What does the next level entail? God: Whatever you want it to entail, you are the Creator, remember? Me: But why do I have to create? God: Would you rather destroy? Me: Sometimes yeah, sometimes I have to destroy what I've built in order to make room for the next creation, the next level. God: Bingo.

Yeah it does, but you have to shift your perspective and not care about what others think. I feel it sometimes when I hang out with my friends and they're all with their wives. But then I remind myself that I am taking a route that is very different from them, I am into spirituality, they are not, I have a job that I LOVE, they do not, I am NOT settling for a mediocre life, they are. I haven't made up for it yet, I have only had sex with two girls in my life so far. I wouldn't say I'm okay with this, I want to have more sex with more women, but at the same time I am in the perfect environment to find a wife through my job as a ballroom dancer. I know that I am going to become romantic with someone through work and it is going to explode in a deliciously sexual and intimate moment. In the mean time, I am going to work on my finances and owning my craft and reading self help / spiritual books. I am working on myself first and foremost. I want sex but am not needy for it. Expectations are constructed within your head, you can either allow society to determine the expectations that you have for yourself, or you can make up your own expectations. My friends live fine lives, there's nothing wrong with what they're doing, but I would never settle for what they have. I could have settled for this girlfriend that I had, she wanted to marry me but I knew that I wanted more out of a partner and I knew that I needed space to figure things out. Here's a good mantra: "I am constructing my own reality independent from the opinions of others." I am very passionate about this because you are in a unique situation that most people cannot relate to. I want you to first and foremost accept yourself as you are and accept the choices that you've made in your life that have brought you here. As a 31 year old single man, you are actually in a very good situation, you are way ahead of the competition maturity wise and much closer to God, which an actual woman of quality will be able to appreciate. Give yourself grace and stop caring what other people think about you.

Just want to let you know that you are not alone, I had my first girlfriend and had sex for the first time at age 29. I am 31 now and have since broken up with her so that I could put more time into my career as a ballroom dancer. At this stage in my life, I intuit that I am going to spend the rest of my life with one of the girl dance instructors at the dance studio. I am not pursuing casual sex right now as it requires a lot of my time for something that, to me, is unfulfilling. I would much rather work on my craft as a dancer, knowing that the deeper I go into this field, the more attention I will get from the opposite sex in an environment where there are lots of beautiful women and very few men. Set your intention and then LET GO and enjoy the ride.

Interlude: I am loved I am loved by my students so much. This was evident today when I got all the gifts from them. Such thoughtful gifts, and people are emotional for me. It's so touching. The truth is that they appreciate you. They genuinely appreciate the work that you put in to this business. And they are impressed by you and want something from you. This is the survival side of things. The human being needs things in order to survive. But survival is not just life or death, it's about surviving in a social sense, surviving in your culture. A lot of the students want to experience something. To experience something bigger than them. How does someone experience something bigger than themselves? By working their ass off in one particular field. The fields that I have chosen are dance and meditation. The students are also choosing dance. And they are spending a great deal of money on it. That's how much it means to them.

I've been getting into self deception recently. I have 3 of Leo's videos that I am watching. Can anyone recommend some books on the topic? I'm sure there are lots on Leo's book list, just not sure which ones. Please help, thanks! Here are his self deception videos: I actually have a couple of books I think would apply: Mistakes Were Made (but not by me) - this is more about the self bias that we hold in favor of ourselves in comparison to others I am a Strange Loop - haven't finished this one yet, but it's about the self identity and how it is a true paradox

Interlude: Hitting the Reset Button My name is Ben and I'm hitting a reset button on my life. There's certain people that I don't feel like talking or being around right now... So guess what... I'm not going to talk or be around them. I'm starting to give less fucks about what others think of me. This is a great milestone, good for you. I want routines and habits in my life but there has to be a good reason for doing the habits because otherwise I will not feel motivated to do them. Over thee next 8 weeks, I am going to take a good hard look at what I'm building and what it is going to take in order to build such things. Interlude: Women My mom's cat is psychotic. He doesn't know if he wants to bite me or wants to snuggle with his whiskers touching mine. It's like he has no ability to regulate his emotions. I feel like this is how women act. This sounds mean, and trust me I love women WITH ALL MY HEART, truly. But, it seems like they feel emotions so strongly and the emotions that they are feeling are all over the place, she sways to this side, then to that side, then she's not sure how she's feeling, then she wants to snuggle, then she wants to hit me... Like God damn... Make up your mind. At the same time, this kind of behavior is intoxicating and exciting, it arouses me, keeps me on my toes, and I want to feel this feminine presence as part of my being. So yes, to my male mind you are a little bit crazy, but I love it and I thank you for being who you are.

Interlude: Taking a Break & Reflecting on What I Want I am taking a break from this journal. There is so much that I am trying to figure out in my life. I am going to hit the reset button. I also have heart surgery in exactly 8 days. I am looking forward to getting this procedure done and over with so that I can come back stronger and more focused on accomplishing my goals. I've spent most of my life feeling lost. At 31 years of age, there is finally some clarity amidst the fog. I am fascinated by Enlightenment. I want to be come so clear headed that there are NO THOUGHTS running through my mind. I want to transcend thought. I want to fuck women. I want to be really good at fucking women. I want to have a dancer wife that I build an empire with. I want to compete with her and travel the world with her. I want to be a model of good health and healthy masculinity out there on the dance floor. I want to make a positive impact on the world and especially my students. Anyone that looks at my character sees a noble, disciplined, highly masculine man, one that is deserving of everything that he has worked for. One that is able to say that he has gone through the trials and tribulations and the hardships and he has overcome things that others won't even try. I am sober, lucidly sober. I am able to take a step back from emotional states and times of hardship and view things with detachment. Detachment from out come and detachment from emotion. People feel comfortable in my presense because I exemplify the fact that EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT. No matter what happens, everything is truly going to be okay. And I want to provide that sort of presence and energy to everybody that I meet. YOU ARE GOING TO BE OKAY. Even if you die tomorrow, everything is going to be alright, truly... because you are GOD and GOD is eternal and furthermore, eternally GOOD.

Imagine if we started contemplating the nature of reality at age 5? We can raise children this way if we so choose.

The Truth with a capital T is that he is not who she identifies with in an Absolute sense. He has concocted a story with characters and names and labels. NONE of it is real. In order for spirituality to run its course and work, she will have to admit this to himself; she is no one, he has no identity, she has no family, he has no friends, she has nothing. He is quite literally NOTHING at its core. This is so difficult for him to stomach because she is attached to this story that he has played out in her mind. To admit this Truth FEELS like he is experiencing her VERY REAL DEATH. He will not die in an Absolute sense, but her identity will die with the knowing of Truth. The sooner he can stomach this as reality, the sooner she can move on to the next facet of awakening.

Interlude: Contemplating structure in my life What is the current underlying structure in terms of my mind and where do I want to take this structure? As of right now I allow my mind to control the show, it has full control over my Spirit. Now, what do you want? I want to understand the world at a metaphysical level, beyond the material. This is my ultimate goal in life. Now, how do I get there? Right now, I have no direct experience of reality at a metaphysical level, none whatsoever.. I have some beliefs and concepts that relate to it, but I do not have any DIRECT experience of this situation. I have had short windows, mostly while on psychedelics when I am able to access a mind-state that is other worldly, but the problem is I am so bombarded by thoughts that I cannot experience the state for what it truly is. And what have you experienced? I've experienced what it feels like to have no identity, to have nothing to grasp onto. I understand what it feels like to be a floating ball of consciousness, to live in a world without labels, and it is .... TERRIFYING. To lose yourself, to lose what keeps you sane and grounded and stable and supported is one of the scariest feelings that a human being can experience. Why is it scary? Because losing my identity is the equivalent to death. If I lose myself then I will die. This is the conundrum that we find ourselves in when it comes to spirituality. Every one of us is searching for something that in the end will kill us, we have to let go and surrender everything that we hold near and dear to our hearts. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Interlude: The Masculine comes from the Heart I had a couple of cool insights about masculinity on my shrooms trip last weekend. Firstly, be who you are. No one cares about this made up version of yourself. Be secure with yourself. Don't feel like you need to subjugate yourself to ANYBODY... quite precisely because you are that somebody, therefore you don't need their approval or acceptance... you craving their acceptance is in essence craving your own acceptance of yourself, so focus on that first and foremost, love yourself for who you are.. for what you've done... for what you've accomplished. Love your being and it will shine outwards... you will have so much more room to make a positive and loving impact on the world. Sometimes I go through it, I don't know what to do, I'm confused, I need assistance, I'm sad, I'm annoyed, I'm not happy about this or that, but at the end of my life, I will die.. and I will meet my Maker, and I will tell him that I did the best I could with this life.. And thank you for allowing me to live it. I am eternally grateful. Ben is eternally grateful for this opportunity. Every man, as he climbs up the ranks in life will have more and more people depending upon him. A woman needs support to birth a child. The man's job is to be that support person, to be strong for her, to be stable and grounded, to love her being, to love her to the bones. He will also be a father, he has the same role there, he must be strong and emotionally stable yet loving.

Interlude: change the structure and the habits will follow ~ 4.17.26 This habits things has a structural flaw in it. I am trying to build habits and Disciplines in order to accomplish certain goals in life. But it's not changing the behaviors that are going to create the success that I want, I have to change the structure of the system that is my life. The structure has to change, not the content. There is a massive difference between those two things which you are going to have to unwire. And look at that... Now we're on a new page, perfect. It's not necessarily about changing your behaviors in order to create something new in your life, it's about changing the underlying structure of your life, which will create the need for certain behaviors and habits and disciplines. The underlying structure is the vision that you have for your life. Create the vision and the habits and disciplines will follow.

Thank you for all the replies

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