Spiritual Warrior

Personal Story: Heart Surgery Coming on here to vent about a very personal situation. I just found out that I have to get heart surgery within the next 6 months. I have had heart surgery twice in my life, when I was 16 and when I was 21. I am currently 30 years old with a cows valve in place of my "human" aortic valve. A couple of things that I would like to note: finding out that this surgery has to occur within such a short time horizon has me rattled emotionally. I've just gained traction in my career and now I am going to have to be out for at least 6 weeks before I can dance again. That sucks. I am also well aware of how painful and difficult the recovery is for this kind of surgery. I was hoping that we would have the technological advancements to have a robot come in and replace the valve "non-invasively," but it sounds like they have to crack my sternum open again to do the procedure. I will know more on this when I talk to the surgeon. The second thing to note is when I zoom out on this situation, I realize that all of this is being done for my own survival. The doctor is looking out for my survival. The surgeon is looking out for my survival. The health insurance that I have is looking out for my survival, it is actually going to be paying the doctors for the entire surgery, which is over $100,000. If this system wasn't in place, I could not have this surgery and I would die at a young age. I am thankful that we have these systems in place. This is the purpose of having a society. We help each other survive and hopefully strive. Of course, death is imminent but let's all suck out as much out of this life that we can humanly stomach.

What do you enjoy most about life right now?

Interlude: Tarot Card Reading I have a new roommate that is a woman. She gave me a tarot card reading this morning. I love being around women. They are more in touch with energy fields than men are. I could learn something from them there. I sit down at the table with a smile and I immediately feel a surging attraction coursing through my body. I notice that she has a tarot card deck sitting on the table. I ask her to read mine and she excitedly agrees. I stare at her as she shuffles the cards. I appreciate all of her beauty as my body is surged with energy. This is physical attraction at work. Physical attraction towards a woman lights a fire within a man. If a man can harness this energy, he can transmute it and allow it to fuel his life purpose. In this way, the man remains loyal while also staying within the Truth of the current moment. She asks me to focus on an intention for the reading. I think to myself "I want to discover Truth," which is truly the most important thing to me right now. It's not getting laid, it's not making a lot of money, it's not winning a dance competition, all of those things would be nice but nothing is more important than Truth. ————————————————————— Here are my notes from the reading: Melting Mask - make a list of all of the roles that you play in life. These are your masks. For example, I am a good dancer, I am in touch with the energy around me, I am lovable. Take a look at this list and ask yourself: which ones feel energizing and which ones feel draining. Also, ask yourself; is there a difference between a role and an attachment? Moving Forward - to continue down this path, less things will be required. This means that you will have to let go of old habits and old friends. I saw this one coming. I have friends, items, and habits that I must leave behind. Make a list of things that you are ready to let go of. The lighter you are, the higher you can fly. Assistance with Access - in order to discover your True nature, you must first identify what you are not, which would be the "roles" that you play. Don't be shy, ask other people what they think about you and the roles that you identify with, you may be surprised by what you hear. Wishful Expectations - acknowledge that the Truth of reality is not perceived by you currently but is "hidden in plain sight." Sus out the smoke and mirrors and the Truth will be revealed to you. In other words, identify what is not True (the smoke) and whatever is left must be True.

Interlude: The Masculine and its relationship to death The acceptance of death is the masculine way being. The feminine is able to pass through the masculine because he has opened his heart towards death. Death is the ultimate sacrifice, it is pure selflessness. And without the self, you are free.

Interlude: The Flow State I feel as though I don't use logic and reason to deal with my problems. I use feeling. I feel what is coming through me and that's what I am compelled to do. The more I let go, the better I feel. I feel this way when I'm at work. I am able to flow at work for hours at a time. The more I teach, the more I flow. Use the flow state as a catapult to gaining success in this world ( while having fun doing it) the flow state is one of the most magical and enjoyable states of consciousness a human being can experience.. and it also provides lots of value to the world.

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #71 Mon Sep 22, 2025 10:54 PM Attachment awareness exercise Lower self: Higher self, tell me again how am I going to take a big gust of wind and blow away all of my attachments? Higher self: What are some things that you hold as true? Lower self: I am a man. I am a ballroom dancer. I am funny. I am cool. I have lots of friends. I am shy. Higher self: Where is the commonality within all of these statements? I'll answer this one for you; It lies within "I am" you are experiencing what it is like to be a ballroom dancer or to be funny, or to be cool or to have lots of friends, but you are not the thing itself. The truth lies within the ability or the capacity to experience those things. Lower self: Okay great, again that makes sense conceptually. But how do I separate the two. Higher self: You like eating artichokes, correct? You eat the leaves first, right? The leaves are all of your attachments. There is the attachment to being a "family man" then there's the attachment to being "attractive" or "hot" then there's the attachment to being "short" you peel back layer by layer each attachment, you dis-identify with the attachment because that attachment is not who you truly are. What you truly are is what lies within the inner core of the artichoke, which is the heart, the most delicious and succulent part. Lower self: Yes yes yes. I get that, that's awesome, but give me an exercise that will help me streamline this process. I need a tangible solution, enough with these oddly relatable analogies. Higher self: Okay, fine. Write down every attachment that you have in your life. I'm talking everything about yourself, your personality traits, your personal history, your current situation, everything that you can think of. If you want Truth, you will need to first draw your attention towards your attachments. Now get to work. Lower self: Yes sir 🫡

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #70 Sat Sep 20, 2025 11:22 PM Lower self finds out his personal history is a fabrication Lower self: I've been dealing with a lot of human bullshit recently. I want to be more mature and stick to schedules and dive into truth work. Higher self, please help. Guide me back towards Truth. Higher self: Okay, let's start with the question, what are you? Lower self: I am... I am Ben. I am a boy.. no a man that is a ballroom dancer and that has lots of friends and a family that loves him and... Higher self: What is that? That is not Truth... Not a single thing on that list is actually true. You and the rest of the world have concocted that story. You are labeling yourself, your true self with story after story after story. It's a soap opera. Lower self: Okay, then why does all of this feel so true? Higher self: This is the illusion of Maya. Maya has it's unclenching grip on you. And not just your physical body but your constructed mental image. You say that you are "an attractive man" and whenever this image is threatened, your emotions are triggered, firing away. You believe that you have a "magnetic aura" but when people don't pay attention to you, you become sad. You say that you are a "great dancer" but when you see someone else that is better, you become insecure in your abilities. Lower self: But why... Why is this mental chamber necessary? Why has this culture constructed an environment in which we feel the need to construct a life story? Higher self: Let's take this way back to when you were little. What is your first memory? Lower self: I was in a pre school program at a high school when I was 3 years old. I don't remember much about myself but I remember the high school workers that were there. They looked so big and grown up to me, I thought they were so cool. Higher self: Okay, and then what happened next in your life? Lower self: I then went to another pre school and made some friends there. Then I went to kindergarten and met some new kids... Then 1st grade with my favorite teacher, then 2nd grade with a teacher that hated me, then 3rd grade and so on... Why are you bringing this up? Higher self: You have a personal history, right? You can remember this personal history using images in your head. This personal history is what grounds you so that you feel safe and secure and bounded. Im not going to deny that all of these things didn't happen, they did. The body that you are inhabiting right now did go to pre school, it did go to kindergarten and it did all of the other things that you've done in your life. The issue is that you identify with this body and everything that it went through as true when in reality the truth does not lie within the personal history, it lies above it. If you can find a way to look past the history to what your true nature is... Boom. There's your enlightenment. That's what makes the personal history false, it's not that it didn't happen, it's just not who you truly are. Lower self: Okay, yes this all makes sense conceptually... but how do I go above the personal history. How do I find my True face? Higher self: Let go of the personal history and see what's left. Lower self: But how .. how do I let go of something that I've been attached to for 30 years of my life? Higher self: Have you ever blown the fur off of a dandelion? It's exactly like that. Give all of your attachments a big gust of wind and see what's left. Numb your life down to the bare stem of the dandelion and there you have it. Lower self: Okay, thank you.

Interlude: an example of structure vs concept in my personal life The goal of wanting to have a jacked and shredded physique. Is that content or structure? The way that I "look" or are perceived is the content. The structure is the life surrounding the jacked physique. What does it take to have a jacked physique? 1. You have to work out regularly and consistently, at least 3 days a week. 2. You have to eat the right amount of protein for muscle growth (150g) 3. You have to eat the right amount of calories in order to have the energy to work out (at least 2,000) What about the goal of having a clear head? The clear head is the content. What sort of structure would a human being need in order to have a clear head? 1. Meditate every day - meaning you just sit there for 20 minutes 2. Eat clean foods - all organic and nothing processed 3. Drink plenty of water - at least 64 oz a day of clean water What about the goal of becoming spiritually enlightened? The enlightened person is the content. The structure surrounding the enlightened person is what kind of life he lives in order to become enlightened. What would that look like? 1. Journal every day, contemplating "what is true" or "what am I?" 2. Attempt to access a state of not-knowing throughout your days in which you are fully engrossed in the current moment 3. Read spiritual books about enlightenment What about the goal of being a ballroom dance champion? The vision of being a dance champion is the content, the structure is the lifestyle surrounding the dancer. What would this lifestyle look like? 1. Work hard at the technical side of dancing. This means 30 hours a week on just dancing ( let's take a trial run and see if this is too much or too little, I've never measured this before) 2. Develop the look of a champion in the way that you walk and carry yourself 3. Take coachings to better your dancing on a weekly basis What about the goal of building your dream home? The goal of building a house is the content, the structure is the steps that the human has to make in order to make the content possible. What would this process look like? 1. Pay back all of your debts ( Projected to pay them all back in March 2026) 2. Start saving a portion of your paycheck after March 2026 (10% maybe) . 3. Save up $30k by March 2027, this would be about $300/ month 4. Should be able to buy a condo in 2027

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #69 Fri Aug 29, 2025 8:57 AM Chapter title: Content vs Structure This is quite literally the one and only journal that is worth keeping up. Nothing matters but Truth. I will not stop contemplating until I have hit a little point called "Done". I've made a vow to become Truth realized by August 27th, 2027. This means that I have two years to discover the Truth Higher Self: What is something that is true? Lower self: C rex. Consciousness is all that there is. The universe and thoughts and all that is outside of my awareness is pure fantasy. Any theory about how the earth came about is all bullshit. Higher Self: What does c rex mean? Lower self: It means that consciousness, my direct awareness is all that exists, it is quite literally the only thing that I can confirm without a doubt. All this other shit about the cosmos and the universe and infinity, it's all.... Bullshit. How could I know any of that is true. This is the mistake that I have been making, my head is in the clouds, thinking that the Truth is out there but really it is right here in front of me, "hidden in plain sight."... Creating theories about the infinite universe, I am God... No.... These are all beliefs, your job in Truth work is to find out what is true without a doubt and where would you start if that is the case? You start with your direct experience here and now... And my direct experience is telling me that I am aware, I am aware of what is presently happening in this body, in this brain, in the current environment around me, that is what is true. But don't get this confused with the content of the thoughts and the things that are happening in your life, those are not true, that is the content. This is exactly what Leo is talking about in his video "Content vs Structure." The content is false, the structure is true. Do you see that? Now watch this full 3 hour video and this concept will start to seep in.

Interlude: Messages from Her Lower self: I am no one. There is no me. Don't you see that? There is no me. I do not exist. I, the person that I believe myself to be is not real. He is not a tangible thing. I've created a story inside my own head. My true nature is that of an infinite shape shifter, that can experience anything that it desires. The issue is that I will not allow my mind to get there. Why is that? Her: Fear. Lower self: Fear... But what is that? Her: Fear is what keeps you alive. Make your story beautiful. Cherish life. Dream up the most magnificent dreams that you can possibly imagine. Your hearts should be bursting with love and energy, spines tingling with joy at the majesty of existence.

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #68 Wed July 30, 2025 6:55 AM Samadhi Lowers self: Hey, we need to talk about this voice in my head. What is it exactly? Higher Self: What voice? Lower self: This voice. This voice that I can hear inside of my head that is being heard by me and then being typed onto this screen. What is it? Higher self: I don't hear anything... Lower self: What do you mean? Of course you hear something, we both hear it. It's right here. Open your fucking ears. Higher Self: Nope. Lower self: Okay, whatever. Then I am hallucinating a voice inside of my own head Higher Self: Yep, that is correct. Lower self: What is a hallucination anyways? Higher self: A hallucination is something that is not real, it is completely fabricated and imagined. There is nothing tangible or concrete about it and therefore is no Truth behind it. Lower self: But the voice inside of my head feels so real to me. I can hear it speaking to me. Higher Self: Who is speaking to whom? Lower self: The voice is coming from me and is speaking to me... Ben... The voice is telling me what to do, how to behave, etc .. Higher Self: Why do you listen to this voice? Lower self: I listen to the voice because I feel like I have no choice in the matter. I cannot shut this voice off. Therefore, it just feels like it is a part of who I am. Higher Self: Why can't you shut it off? Lower self: I'm not sure. But I virtually have no control over it. I am at the mercy of this voice and therefore cannot get any peace and quiet. I just want this voice to shut the fuck up. Higher Self: You can shut it off actually. This is what a samdhi experience is like. All of your attention is pointed towards one thing. This eclipses everything else around it and you dissolve into the experience of that one thing that you are focusing on. In this state, there is no mind, no thoughts, no emotions, just pure experience, pure nothingness, pure samadhi. Lower self: Wowwwww, that sounds amazing. Higher Self: It is amazing, now get to work...

"Kill the boy and let the man be born." This is the best line for a guy. There is something about transforming yourself into somebody that is masculine, mature, and capable that is so inspiring to me.

Gods Bathroom Floor The self image is a complete fabrication. It is a mockery of Truth. Anytime you think about what another individuals perception is of you, slap yourself across the face. Thinking like this is utter nonsense. Take me away. Release me from this prison, I don't want to be here anymore. I am ready to transcend.

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #67 - Sat July 19, 2025 7:24 PM Nothingness Lower self: We talked about nothingness a few chapters back. What is it and why does it have significance in Truth work? Higher Self: Nothingness is exactly that, it is an empty void that is made up of its own name, nothing. The tree next to me is nothingness, my car is nothingness, this water is nothingness, my body is nothingness. Lower self: I'm not following... Higher Self: Your identity is not Truth. Your mind is not Truth. The birds are not Truth. The sky is not Truth. You can make an infinite list of things that are not Truth. If everything is not Truth, what do you have left? You have nothing. Nothingness is the ultimate truth of the universe. Experience this. Truly experience this and you will transcend your physical body. The real kicker here though is that nothingness also equates to infinite creation. If there is nothing really there, then you have a blank slate in which you can create anything that you want. These creations remain in the relative realm while nothingness is forever present in the background as an Absolute Truth. Lower self: Okay, this all makes sense, but how do I experience this? I have no direct experience of this nothingness that you are describing. Higher Self: Sure you do... Just look around. "Close your mind, close your eyes, see with your heart" - Lupe Fiasco

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #66 - Fri July 18, 2025 12:22 PM The Eight Headed Octopus Higher Self: Hello little one. What is true? Lower self: It is true that I am. Which means that I am able to experience this, whatever this is… I don't know. But I am here. I am is all that I know. I know nothing else so I am going to enjoy the pure majesty of the feeling within this body, good or bad. I am is the essential truth. I am is true without a doubt, no ifs ands or buts. But this I am ness seems to be coming from the fact that this body is alive, the heart is beating, the brain is working, the muscles are firing. So what happens to the I am ness when the body decays? What on earth would happen then? I am unsure. And how could I know? I am honestly not sure about much. Which is why I am afraid of death. What is death? Higher Self: Death is a construction in your own head. Death is not real. Death is something that was made up by man. Lower self: But I don't understand… death is a real thing, my body will die, it will be buried in the ground and Ben will cease to exist. Higher Self: But remember… “Ben” is not a real and tangible thing, it is a mental construction. Sure, “Ben” will die one day in a relative sense, but the Absolute Truth of the matter is I am. That is all that you know and therefore is all that there ever was and will ever be. Lower self: But how do you know that? Just because I am experiencing the Truth in this current moment does not mean that the Truth will forever exist. Higher Self: The Truth is forever or it would not be Truth. Truth with a capital T is truth without any doubts, no ifs ands or buts. Lower self: Okay… then I am is not Truth because I cannot verify that this I am ness will last forever. I only experience what is occurring in this moment. Higher Self: There is no forever in the Absolute realm. There is just the present, which means that the present, this current experience, in this very seat, typing on this phone, is forever. Time is a mental construction. Stop thinking in the relative sense or you will never transcendent. Look for truth in every interaction, in every second of every day and one day it will reveal itself to you. It will come out of the depths of illusion like an octopus with 18 heads. This is infinite creation. Now go enjoy yourself, you only have one life in this current form.